Opinion: I’m Sorry I’m Late for Work, but if I Can’t Curate the Most Bomb-Ass Pre-Work Get Psyched Playlist Then What’s the Point?

Posted on by Livy Berry

Look, I know I’ve been late more often than I’ve been on time since starting here, but you really need to consider my perspective. Every morning I have to sit in my car and personally curate the most incredible, bangers-only playlist to perfectly tailor my mood and get me going in a way that will carry me through the work day. That’s a lot of pressure for a playlist, and I’m a professional, but that’s going to take some time.

Umm, no. Obviously I cannot just make and save one playlist and listen to that every day; do you even hear yourself? The world changes every day, and I have to change with it, or my work is seriously going to suffer. How would the higher-ups at this company feel if they found out that you sacrificed your best temp’s work all because of a measly 23 minutes per day? Brenda from accounting is late all the time, and that’s tolerated just because she’s caring for an ailing parent, but I can’t be late to care for my ailing mental state? Get real.

There is no way you just said the word ‘shuffle’ to me. If I can’t produce a sense of life-altering whimsy within myself by listening to Solsbury Hill at least four times spread out perfectly throughout my drive, then why even do any of this? You clearly don’t understand; I can’t just roll straight from Paul Simon to Kendrick Lamar; I have to be taken on a journey, or maybe you want me to walk into the ocean.

It’s like you don’t even care that the new Noah Kahan album just came out and now I’m basically working overtime to balance out the devastating sadness in his music with something that makes me even capable of going to work at all. If you can’t get behind my need to listen to that album while also taking the time to undo the emotional damage I get every time I listen to it, then honestly, what the hell are we even doing here?

Do I ‘apologize’ for being late to work every day? Sure, I guess, but this whole thing is really bringing to light what you actually think of me and what I contribute to this company. I’m going to have to seriously consider whether I’m prepared to forgive you while still 100% coming to work because I need this job to survive. I need to go out to my car and run a few reps of Tubthumping by Chumbawumba before I’m prepared to get started on my workday. Good day, sir.

Centipede Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Punk House After Eating Termite

Posted on by Steve Packosky

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A centipede dwelling in the bathroom of a local punk house has become its highest contributing member after stalking, killing and consuming a termite in the door frame, sources report.

“I figured nobody else in this house is doing anything useful, so I might as well step up and take care of a wood-eating pest,” said the centipede. “All I do is stand around on the wall all day, and even I’m surprised by how shiftless and lazy everyone else is. The tenants in every other place I’ve lived in have at least had the good sense to be creeped out by me, but these guys have yet to acknowledge my existence. I even stood on some dude’s shoulder while he sat on the toilet the other day, and he didn’t even notice I was there. There were a shit-ton of other bugs already crawling through his hair, though, so maybe he wasn’t the best example. And don’t even get me started on the shower. I’ve been here two weeks, and I’ve yet to see anyone use it.”

Human house tenant Stan “Scuzz” Brackenridge was aggravated when he heard of the centipede’s efforts.

“Doesn’t that thing know it’s making the rest of us look bad?” Brackenridge complained as he rooted through the kitchen trash can in search of a smokeable cigarette butt. “I’m doing my best here, so it’s certainly not appreciated when some snobby thousand-legger shows me up by killing a house-destroying bug. It’s not like I’m worthless, man. Who stole that 12-pack of Keystone Ice from the Meijer down the street yesterday? That’s right, I did. Granted, I drank all of them on the walk home, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m so sick of being shown up by arthropods.”

Entomologist Lucille Rattakul has seen this before.

“It’s extremely common for bugs to be the most productive members of the houses they occupy,” Rattakul noted. “Whether it’s a spider trapping a fly in its web or a ladybug feasting on houseplant-destroying aphids, these little beings make much better tenants than a 34-year-old punk who doesn’t have a job, any marketable skills, or even a toothbrush. While many people find centipedes to be unnerving, they at least clean themselves, which is certainly not the case for most punk house residents.”

At press time, the centipede had moved to a nearby crack house in search of better roommates.

Study Shows Storming off While Muttering the Word ‘Ridiculous’ Still Best Way To Let Teenage Retail Workers Know You’re Displeased

Posted on by Steve Packosky

STANFORD, Calif. — Sociologists at Stanford University found that suddenly walking away from a conversation with teenage retail workers while muttering the word “ridiculous” is still the best way to let them know you’re displeased.

“This was an extensive field study,” said head researcher Anna Fairgold. “And we conclusively discovered that overpaid and underworked teenagers employed at soulless corporations totally care when you storm away from them while shaking your head and saying ‘ridiculous.’ In virtually every instance, the workers were extremely upset that they couldn’t help you retrieve an item that you accidentally scheduled for pickup at another location, or recognize a 30% off sticker that had expired the previous day. Your method of letting them know you’re incensed really gets through to them, so you definitely should keep doing it.”

Frequent displeased customer Sandra Kessel was vindicated by the findings.

“I’ve known this for years, but it’s nice to have it confirmed,” Kessel noted. “It’s my go-to for getting through to, say, a swamped 17-year-old Target employee who’s operating the only open checkout lane. I just know that when I pull out this card, they’ll be beside themselves with grief for having lost me, and not relieved in the slightest for having one less customer to deal with. My business is valuable, so I’m going to continue making these kids feel awful if they’re not able to pull whatever strings are needed to keep it.”

Teenage Walmart worker Joe Gerken reacted to the news.

“Oh, no, please don’t do that,” Gerken remarked as he hit a vape pen outside the store. “The last thing in the world that I want when I clock in for my 12-hour shift that barely covers the gas it costs for me to drive to work is to not be harassed by patrons. I definitely have a personal stake in the best interests of our customers that goes above and beyond the amount I need to care to ensure my boss doesn’t bother me about it. I want everyone who comes into this store to know that, if they have a complaint that I’m unable to resolve, walking away and giving me some peace and quiet would be the absolute worst outcome.”

At press time, the same study found that telling these workers you’ll no longer shop at the chains employing them really makes them feel bad about not doing enough to assist you.

5 Classic Films That Would Totally Get ‘Canceled’ Today, by Warner Brothers, for Tax Purposes

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

Not every classic film has “aged well.” Luckily, modern Warner Bros. executives understand that their creative decisions have the potential to influence some of the most important issues of today, like shareholder confidence, quarterly EBITDA targets, and their upcoming severance package.

With that in mind, here are five beloved classic films that would totally get canceled today by Warner Bros. Discovery for tax purposes.

1. Casablanca (1942)
Packed with iconic dialogue, timeless performances, and emotional sincerity, this wartime romance represents exactly the kind of long-term cultural investment modern studios are trying to avoid. Sure, audiences have spent decades quoting lines from the film and introducing it to new generations, but maintaining that kind of enduring emotional connection to art can rack up some serious server bills. Rick sacrificing personal happiness for a cause larger than himself may have resonated in 1942, but 2026 Warner Bros. leadership understands that no one should ever prioritize principle over quarterly earnings guidance. Preserving Humphrey Bogart’s little black-and-white MPEG forever simply isn’t fiscally responsible.

2. The Exorcist (1973)
When this horror classic premiered, audiences reportedly fainted, vomited, and fled theaters in terror. Back then, Warner Bros. mistakenly believed provoking strong emotional reactions could help sell movie tickets.

Rather than releasing an ambitious, controversial horror film from an unpredictable director, modern studio leadership would courageously perform a “strategic content realignment initiative” and quietly shelve the project two weeks before release.

3. The Shining (1980)
Production on this film was famously difficult. Stanley Kubrick demanded endless takes, the shoot ran long, and early reviews were mixed. Unfortunately, Warner Bros. in 1980 was still trapped in outdated ideas like “supporting filmmakers” and “exploring domestic violence and child abuse through supernatural horror as both catalyst and metaphor.“

Contemporary media executives would immediately recognize the warning signs: an over-budget psychological horror film with almost no potential sequel or spinoff series about the ghost bartender. The project would be written off halfway through production, with the remaining footage later sold as a six-part HBO Max documentary called How To REDRUM A Movie. Plus, Stephen King never liked it, and he directed Maximum Overdrive, so yeah, I think the studio could have trusted his instincts.


4. Goodfellas (1990)
Martin Scorsese spent years crafting one of the greatest crime films ever made, featuring elaborate tracking shots, expensive licensed music, and wall-to-wall profanity and violence. In 1990, Warner Bros. released the film in theaters and allowed it to become a cultural landmark.

Streaming-era executives understand that spending millions licensing classic songs for a standalone adult drama is irresponsible when the same money could instead fund a few more concurrent Batman reboots.

5. The Matrix (1999)
When the Wachowskis pitched this strange cyberpunk action movie in the late ’90s, executives somehow agreed to finance a dense philosophical sci-fi film filled with simulated reality theories, kung fu, latex trench coats, and dialogue that reportedly confused everyone except Laurence Fishburne. Amazingly, the gamble paid off. Audiences lost their minds over its groundbreaking visual effects, philosophical themes, and revolutionary action sequences. “Bullet time” and kung fu became action movie go-to’s, and phrases like “there is no spoon’ and “red pill” entered the modern lexicon. But is all that worth more than a CEO’s stock options?

Today, the studio would cancel the movie midway through post-production because audiences “no longer respond to original sci-fi concepts.” After all, groundbreaking art comes and goes, but executive compensation packages are forever.


I don’t think anyone envies the difficult artistic choices that must be made by the modern studio executive. The pressure is enough to make anyone question whether or not art even needs to exist.

Manager Who Says ‘We’re Like a Family Here’ Willing To Testify Against Any Employee

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

AUSTIN, Texas — Emphasizing the close personal bonds shared throughout the company, regional operations manager who says “we’re like a family here” Greg Talbot declared Monday that he would be more than willing to testify against any employee if asked to do so, sources confirmed.

“We’ve all built really close relationships here over the years,” Talbot said while encouraging employees to cooperate with HR and legal counsel regarding an ongoing internal investigation. “People support each other, confide in one another, and do whatever is necessary to protect the family when times get tough. If that means sitting down with attorneys and providing detailed accounts of conversations, emails, Slack messages, or inappropriate conduct I may have witnessed from members of my own team, then that’s simply what you do for family.”

Employees said the manager’s repeated emphasis on familial values had helped contextualize many aspects of the workplace culture.

“When Greg first said we were like a family, suddenly the 12-hour workdays, canceled vacations, on-call weekends, and lack of raises all started making more sense,” said account coordinator Devin Morales. “And honestly, when he voluntarily submitted detailed written statements, personal Slack logs, meeting transcripts, and timestamped screenshots implicating basically everyone on our team except himself, that really made the place feel like the home I grew up in. There’s just something incredibly familiar about watching adults immediately protect themselves while calmly explaining that this is what’s best for everyone.”

Human resources consultant Dr. Rebecca Lin explained that family-oriented workplace environments can be extremely effective organizational tools.

“Cultures that emphasize trust, loyalty, obligation, and emotional closeness often create very strong internal compliance structures,” Lin explained. “Employees become deeply invested in maintaining approval from leadership and preserving group stability, which can make them significantly more willing to monitor, report, and ultimately incriminate one another once protecting the organization becomes the top priority. The emotional dynamics of a family structure often allow companies to obtain levels of cooperation that would be difficult to achieve in a workplace employees viewed as purely professional.”

At press time, Talbot was reportedly thanking employees for their honesty and sacrifice before announcing that, unfortunately, the company would be making cuts and needed to let several members of the family go to prison.

8 Weeks of Conversion Camp No Match for Scissor Sisters Album

Posted on by Dan Rice

DOVER, Pa. — For the tenth consecutive year in a row, every single participant of Pray Straight, a controversial religious-based gay conversion therapy camp, has “relapsed” into homosexuality after hearing just one song by flamboyant pop-rock band Scissor Sisters, sources close to the Pennsylvania bigot community report. 

“I have to admit, between the preaching, sleep deprivation, and physical abuse, I walked out of that camp thinking that maybe I was straight after all!” recalled Pray Straight graduate Trevor Malcolm. “Then I heard the first verse of ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’’ again, and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, no, I’m totally gay!’ It was probably just low blood sugar. Did I mention they starved us? Yeah, they starve children at those things.” 

Senior staff at Pray Straight expressed frustration and bewilderment at their camp’s now zero percent success rate in converting gay youth with access to Scissor Sisters’ aggressively sexy music.  

“I just can’t believe all the hard work we do gets continually undermined so easily!” lamented Pray Straight director Peter Leotardo. “Eight solid weeks of shamming, manipulation, physical abuse and starvation completely undone, and why? Because ‘Lights’ just so happens to be an undeniable banger? Because every track on ‘Ta-Dah’ happens to be brimming with an exuberance that invites you to cast off the shackles of doubt and conformity and be your true, beautiful self? It’s intoxicating! I mean, disgusting! I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I gotta go to the gym!” 

Parents who send their gay children to Pray Straight have grown increasingly irritated at the camp’s recent lack of success. 

“I just can’t believe my son would just unlearn eight weeks of rigorous Bible study and shamming after hearing just one damned song!” lamented conservative parent Bob Earlman. “The kicker is, it wasn’t even a song off of ‘Ta-Dah.’ If ‘She’s My Man’ or ‘I Can’t Decide’ made him gay again, I could understand, but he caved to some deep cut off of ‘Night Work,’ and it wasn’t even ‘Whole New Way!’ Uh, I mean, er, what’s Scissor Sisters? And, uh, what’s ‘being gay’ even? Whoa, would you look at the time, I need to leave immediately!” 

At press time, Pray Straight director Peter Leotardo was last seen flooring a convertible to Providence, Rhode Island with “Tits on the Radio” blaring out the speakers.  

Opinion: So You’re Gonna Judge a Guy Solely by What He Says and Also Does and Thinks?

Posted on by Malia Simon

Alright, let me get this straight: If I say one thing, which is based on a thought I’ve had, which is derived from a comprehensive worldview that dictates all my intuitions and behaviors, public and private, from morning to night, suddenly that’s who I am?

I’m sensing a straw-man argument.

We might ask ourselves: what kind of world do we live in where in 2026, we’re still judging books by their thoughts, feelings, guiding moral principles, and subsequent behaviors? I guess a world where it’s A-OK to just disregard all the other important aspects of a person’s character, like what they might think in a hypothetical universe in which they were a different person.

How about, instead of jumping to conclusions, people get it through their heads that there is such a thing as context. Let’s run a thought experiment, shall we? Let’s say I told you I believe incest is justifiable. Sounds pretty bad, right? But then what if I told you that alongside just saying incest is okay, I was also having regular, repeated sex with my first-cousin? If it were up to the online keyboard warriors, apparently that makes me some kind of incest-lover. All because I said it was okay, did it a bunch, and then publicly defended it.

Have we completely lost sight of the moral gray area? Have we forgone the classical American value of “I didn’t mean it, guys; just pretend I didn’t do that, OK”? It’s as if we live in a world where it doesn’t matter what you want other people to think you believe, and instead all people care about is what you seem to display by all available instruments of measure. Well, I won’t stand idly by while this change takes place; I think I speak for all Enlightenment thinkers when I say: stop using my words and actions to form opinions about me, unless you pinky-promise me they’re gonna be good ones.

Horror Movie Monster Sick of Representing People’s Trauma 

Posted on by Charles Bill

HAUNTED TOWN, British Columbia — Frustration boiled over today as a monster from a horror movie announced that it was sick of representing people’s trauma, confirmed A24 sources.

“It’s so annoying that people have some traumatic event, and then I have to come along and represent it,” explained the monster, a formless void that manifests itself as an individual’s greatest regret. “I look at my predecessors Jason, Freddy, the Leprechaun, they aren’t a metaphor for shit, they just get to murder horny teens all day without having to worry about being a manifestation of some chick’s depression. I just want to eat people and not have it be a whole thing. In the last two months I’ve had to represent abuse, divorce, the feeling you get when you have a hangnail and pull it off and it brings way more nail than you want, and severe diarrhea. That last one was the easiest to kill, they couldn’t move from the toilet.”

The monster’s frustration did not prevent him from gaining further traumatized victims.

“It all started when I let my friend fall off that cliff,” explained final girl Danica Jones. “It wasn’t my fault, but I still felt immensely guilty. I closed myself off to the world, and then suddenly I see my friend who fell off the cliff, following me. He’s super bloody and still wearing climbing gear so I know right away that this is a monstrous representation of my guilt who has come to punish me by tearing my face off. Fortunately I was able to create a makeshift blowtorch from a propane tank right as I overcame my guilt, and that seemed to kill the monster.”

The recent influx of trauma-focused villains has caused monster hunters to re-evaluate their chosen methods.

“We used to use crossbows and stakes, but now it’s all about therapy,” said 7th generation monster hunter Quinta van Helsing. “Instead of hunting these things down, all we have to do is go to the person being haunted and have them talk about their childhood. It really makes things easier. Honestly, recruitment sucks now because you need to be a licensed psychotherapist. It used to be just a bunch of murdering, but now it’s more about feelings. Kind of lame.”

At press time, the monster was forced to haunt a new victim who is still tortured by their not donating to the Salvation Army at Christmas.

In Honor of David Attenborough’s 100th Birthday, Here’s Some Narration We Did of Him Eating, Mating, and Showering

Posted on by Stephen Bell

The British Isles are home to more than 67 million people. One of the rarest sights is that of a wild David Attenborough. Regarded for his wispy white hair, sardonic wit, and disarming demeanor, he has become one of Britain’s most beloved creatures. Secret cameras disguised as common household items have allowed us to view this centenarian in his native habitat. 

The kitchen. This is the place where meals are made. David, being quite wealthy, has been able to acquire the use of a private chef who cooks all of his meals for him. Unlike your average subject of the King, the classy and sophisticated David can be seen eating a variety of foods that have been properly seasoned and are a great deal more complex than beans on toast. Using his yellow and gnarled teeth, typical of English males, we see him chewing his meal into a fine paste. It is believed that a David Attenborough needs to consume 1/150th of its body weight every day to survive. 

Unlike the females, male humans can produce even into their old age, even if it’s not a good idea. Success with mating can depend on many things. Humor, wealth, status, and broken condoms can all contribute towards fruitful couplings. We witness Sir Attenborough approaching a group of potential female mates. Their boyfriends, who are much sprier than David, feel threatened by his presence and begin to beat their chests. Which strategy will he employ to show himself to be the superior male? Simply by stating “I’m David Attenborough,” these women abandon their partners and immediately begin to copulate with him. A new generation of velvet-voiced narrators is all but assured. The other males can only look on in envy. 

12 hours later, we see David emerge from the morass of satisfied bodies, ready for a post-orgy shower. His emptied testicles swing wildly as he lathers himself completely with a fine emulsion of hibiscus petals, lavender, and sodium lauryl sulfate. While washing his hair, David appears to notice our camera in the center of his showerhead. He quickly sends out an alert cry to his security team in the form of a high-pitched yell. Pretty soon our team is discovered, and a vicious club beating is placed upon us. Such is the price to be paid when messing with the most dominant of males. 

Four Out of Five Physical Therapists Now Recommend Just Astral Projecting Out of Your Fucked Up Body  

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Four out of five physical therapists now recommend the technique of astral projection for dealing with chronic pain, sources from the American Physical Therapy Association confirmed today.

“Our best practices don’t change often,” explained Diana Riley, one of the top physical therapists in the nation. “We have decades and decades of rigorous scientific and medical research backing our approaches to all manner of injuries, imbalances, and pain disorders. But we’ve been seeing a real uptick in just completely beyond help, fucked up bodies. More and more people are just falling apart no matter what we do. So we started thinking outside of the box, which got us to thinking outside of the body. Literally. We’re teaching people to have their consciousness be anywhere other than their shitty body.”

Many people with chronic pain who have felt dissatisfied with their physical therapy experiences are reacting to the news.

“This is honestly kind of a relief because I’ve been to physical therapy like eight different times and I’ve never actually felt that much better,” shared Sarah Blake. “I always go to my appointments and I do my exercise homework diligently and they don’t believe me when I say I’m still in pain. It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one who’s been experiencing this, so much so that they had to change a huge part of their programs to address it. And it’s even more of a relief to know there is now such a practical alternative available to us.”

Experts in the field of astral projection have begun to share their expert take on this new development.

“I could have told you astral projection was the answer years ago,” shared Adam Gilson. “My community hasn’t been in our bodies for like a decade straight. Have you seen the conditions out there? We’re all just hanging out in the astral projection world version of Tomodachi Island. We know about that because we have someone report back every week. I’m using astral Zoom technology for this interview right now.”

Physical therapists across the nation are now looking into this thing called “opium” to help those less experienced at astral projection, with talk that they may even open special centers or “dens” for the treatment.

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