Primus Fan Has More Pictures of Basses in Wallet Than of Own Children

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WOONSOCKET, R.I. — Local dad and moderator of the “Rhode Island Primus Alliance” Facebook group Chester Bakersfield admitted to keeping more photos of basses in his wallet than of his own children, confirmed sources who weren’t surprised after remembering the number of times he’s brought up Les Claypool in unrelated conversations.

“Your wallet is like a pocket photo album for what’s most important in life,” said Bakersfield while adding a printed-out screenshot of the standup bass used in the ‘Mr. Krinkle’ music video to one of the credit card slots. “That’s why my wallet contains laminated photographs of each of my basses, a couple pics of basses that are on my wishlist in case anyone asks, and exactly one school photo of my first of four born children because there’s simply not enough room for all of them.”

“Sure, there’s hardly any space for cash either, so it’s a good thing I never have any money or else I’d have to shift some things around. But if push came to shove I could probably remove that photo of Chester Junior. I know what he looks like,” he added.

Those close to Bakersfield wished he would cool it with the bass fanboyism.

“I once overheard him refer to his recently purchased Fender Precision Bass as ‘the new Harrison’ which is the name of our second born,” said his wife Amanda Bakersfield. “It’s bad enough he dipped into their college savings to buy a $5,000 rare copy of ‘Sailing The Seas Of Cheese’ on vinyl. And I’m still mad at myself for letting him convince me to name our youngest daughter Mud. Really should’ve gone with Wynona after that beaver song now that I think about it.”

Experts were well-aware of this sort of parenting behavior amongst die-hard fans.

“Being a dad is hard, but being a dad who loves music is even harder,” said family counselor Gabriella Vianca. “Think about it. You have to balance something you love more than anything in the entire world versus your children. It’s like when that die-hard Rush fan famously skipped his daughter’s recital to wait in line for an autographed copy of ‘Geddy Lee’s Big Beautiful Book of Bass.’ Priorities, man.”

At press time, Bakersfield had no choice but to delete several photos from his iPhone of his son’s tee ball game where he hit three home runs in order to make room for a handful of videos of Victor Wooten live performances.

Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BEATRICE, Neb. — Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations’ “woke politics,” confirmed disappointed sources.

“Now that Disney has gone woke, me and my family will personally see to it that they go broke. That’s why we will now only visit Disney World once a month and just twice a month in December. And we’ve set a strict merchandise budget of just $1,200 a trip. We’re gonna send that gay lovin’ mouse to the poor house,” said Anderson. “And we’re not stopping there. I also canceled Disney+, at least until ‘The Mandalorian’ comes back. And we’re only getting the regular Blu-Rays of Marvel movies, not even the collector’s edition. It’s a huge sacrifice, but it’ll be worth it to ensure my kids aren’t indoctrinated.”

Disney World funployee Emre Cantrell noticed an “odd” change in behavior among certain park guests as a result of the spreading boycott.

“I’ve heard a lot of talk about conservatives claiming they will never come back, but this place is packed with people wearing InfoWars merchandise. Not sure why. Maybe it’s the nostalgia, or Disney’s idealized version of the past, or Walt’s racism. Who are we kidding, it’s definitely that last one,” said Cantrell. “They still visit the park, but now they try to act like they’re completely miserable. It’s so bizarre seeing a sunburned guy in a MAGA hat angrily chomping on a $22 churro, or screaming ‘let’s go, Brandon’ while spending their children’s college fund on diamond encrusted light sabers.”

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is leading the fight against Disney after the company spoke out against his office’s highly controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill.

“As a Republican governor, my mission is not to serve the people of Florida, but to stick it to the libs. See, I love freedom and capitalism so much that I’m willing to screw over any corporation that dares express an opinion that differs from mine,” said Desantis. “Sure, by stripping Disney of certain legal protections I am completely screwing over everyday Floridians who will need to contend with a billion dollar tax bill. But I bet Disney will think twice now next time they consider showing sympathy and human decency to a marginalized group of people.”

At press time, ongoing conservative boycotts have resulted in Disney’s projected quarterly profits to plummet from $22,000,000,000 to a measly $21,999,958,000.

Performative Allyship? Corporations Ditch Shark Week Branding the Second It Ends

Posted on by Max Barth

It’s that time of year, folks. It’s the time when brands, corporations, and other institutions pledge their unwavering support to a marginalized community for a defined period, only to revert to ignoring their cause for the rest of the year. “We support you,” they say, only to return all their branding and logos to normal a short time later. We speak, of course, of Shark Week.

The Shark Week community is diverse and intersectional, residing on every continent and under the ocean. Self-described corporate “allies” are quick to ride the wave with splashy ad campaigns and ubiquitous gill-inclusive logos, only to predictably leave the community adrift once the week is over.

We must remember that, for many, Shark Week never ends. It’s easy to love and support sharks for seven days but corporate partners must do more to actively protect and advocate for them all year, rather than using the community like temporary mascots to raise brand awareness.

The first Shark Week, thirty-five years ago, was a pivotal step forward for the community. Now? It’s hard not to feel that the once revolutionary event has lost its teeth. Or worse, that it has been co-opted by market forces that are fundamentally at odds with the sort of policies that would actually protect sharks.

For instance, oil conglomerates spend the week shouting about preserving aquatic habitats and sustainable fishing until they’re blue in the face, but the self-congratulatory tone of their social media presences this week does little to actually help. In addition, policymakers score cheap political points by throwing a shark emoji at the end of their posts as electoral bait, despite spending the rest of their terms doing little to nothing about ocean acidification. If you ask me, it’s time we speak up and demand better than performative allyship from corporations. Our aquatic neighbors deserve better.

Depressed Man Inadvertently Gets Totally Ripped From Using Weighted Blanket

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA – Local man Justin Clark, who suffers from clinical depression and anxiety, inadvertently became completely shredded following months of sleeping under a weighted blanket, sources confirm.

“It’s ok, I suppose, but it doesn’t really fix my problem,” Clark said. “Now I just have to buy new clothes, which means I have to leave the house, which is a nightmare given my mental health. Then again, being hotter does make my depression more credible in the eyes of jaded medical professionals. I guess they think, ‘well, if someone this jacked is reporting 24/7 ennui, it must be real’.”

The designer of the weighted blanket, Lucinda Frahm, offered her insight on the unintended perks of the product.

“The weighted blanket isn’t a revolutionary idea, really,” said Frahm. “We basically saw what works to keep dogs calm during thunderstorms and upsized it for humans. During clinical sleep studies, we realized it was effective for treating certain sleep and anxiety disorders. In the majority of cases, participants did get relief after using the blanket, though we had to keep increasing the weight because they got so utterly swole after so many sets of tossing, turning and sitting up to scream in their sleep.”

Dr. Steven Jackson, Clark’s physician, wasn’t surprised to hear of his patient’s now-prodigious brawn.

“When I first diagnosed Justin with clinical depression, I put him on a series of medications which weren’t terribly effective. Meditation, dietary changes…these things helped, but it wasn’t until I threw the weighted blanket at the problem that he started to feel better, though I did break his arm. I’ve been pleased to see his physical progress, and grateful for his help moving the furniture into my new office. His strength additionally will keep him from harming himself in certain ways, as it is difficult to cut through so much raw muscle.”

As of press time, Clark was using a sunlamp prescribed to aid in his seasonal affective disorder to tan his six pack.

Jimmy Eat World Issues Formal Apology for Telling Us Everything Everything Would Be Just Fine

Posted on by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

MESA, Ariz. — Members of Jimmy Eat World posted a video on their official Instagram page formally apologizing for their 2001 hit single “The Middle,” where they erroneously told the world, “everything, everything will be just fine.”

“We really screwed the pooch here, and we feel terrible for misleading our fans for over two decades,” said lead singer Jim Adkins. “Christ, we white-knuckled it through the Bush years with this song, we temporarily scrapped it from our setlist during the back half of the Trump administration, but we really thought we’d turned the corner after the 2020 election. At this point, though, it’s clear that nothing is going to be ‘just fine,’ let alone ‘alright, alright.’ To our fans, we sincerely apologize for twenty-four years of upbeat and catchy false hope. Our next song is going to be a more realistic look at climate change, political inaction, and terrible gun violence. We know it won’t be as catchy, but it has to be done.”

Long-time fan Anais Wilson, who had the lyrics to the song inked on her arm when she turned 18, felt the band’s apology was long overdue.

“I’m glad they finally tried to make this right,” said Wilson. “‘The Middle’ may be a straight-up banger, and it certainly got me through my divorce. But between government-sponsored attacks on trans kids, this Supreme Court bullshit, and Trump returning to the White House, it was time for the band to admit they fucked up. I have zero regrets about scheduling an appointment to get the lyrics covered up with a skull that has a swirling black void for a mouth.”

Arizona State University climate scientist Dr. Davy Brennan agrees that while the band’s best-known song “still slaps,” its optimistic themes are no longer appropriate.

“With the state of our planet, we have much bigger worries than what their bitter hearts are going to say,” said Brennan, gesturing at a chart that showed rates of polar ice caps melting. “I mean, fuck, monarch butterflies are now endangered and we will be fighting wars for water within the next 15 years! Jimmy Eat World may have said it just ‘takes some time’ for things to improve, but I think we can all admit that it’s not happening.”

At press time, the band had just released a follow-up video announcing changes to the song’s lyrics, including that the little girl no longer has any rights and that everything will be horrible forever.

Local Gun Store Makes Record Profits With “Back to School” Sale

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GARLAND, Texas — Garland Guns and Ammo reported they are on track for their most profitable month ever thanks to a highly popular “Back to School” sale, confirmed heavily armed sources covered in body armor.

“We love our guns here in Texas and it brings a tear to my eye to see people from our community, and hundreds of patriots from all across these United States driving up to support our little mom and pop operation,” said owner Dermot Walker. “We’re offering killer deals, like buy one assault rifle and get a handgun free. All of our tactical belts and vests are marked down 25%, but if you have a high school ID card we are taking 50% off and we will throw in a bucket of assorted bullets. Here is the best part, with each purchase you get six free classes on how to handle your new weapons from my buddy Jacob who was kicked out of the Marines last year.”

Local teenager Jimmy Borishan lined up early to make sure he didn’t miss out on any deals.

“I basically slept here overnight, exposed to the elements, because I could go off the grid if needed,” said Borishan while loading the three rifles, two handguns, smoke bombs, and a live hand grenade he just purchased into a duffle bag. “I’ve had it kind of rough in high school. Girls don’t talk to me, and the guys make fun of me, but for the first time in a long while, I’m actually looking forward to the first day of school. I can’t wait for everyone to see how much I’ve changed over summer break. I can’t wait to see the look on their fucking faces.”

Local law enforcement officers supported the sale, despite the pushback from some gun reform activists.

“I assure you that everyone working at Garland Guns and Ammo are doing enough in the eyes of Texas law to keep everyone safe. I’ve even personally done a few onsite background checks,” said Sherriff Joe Perreria. “I stopped a few of the customers that were sweatier than normal and straight up asked them ‘hey, are you a crazy person?’ and most of them said no. Then I asked if they loved God and their country and they mumbled some Bible verses and that was good enough for me.”

Other businesses in the area are also seeing an increase in sales thanks to the sudden influx of guns, including Sullivan’s Casket Depot which announced a 50% off sale if your loved one was killed in a mass shooting.

Season 1 of Stranger Things Is the Best Because I Stopped Watching After That

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Every time a new season of Stranger Things comes out there’s going to be an influx of opinion pieces regarding its quality. While most pander to the latest social media hot takes, some of us aren’t afraid to speak the truth. No matter what the verdict is, someone online has got to have the guts to say the opposite of what everyone else is saying about it. That’s why I can confidently say that season 1 of Stranger Things is the best, mostly because I stopped watching after that.

The first season was so tight, narratively speaking. Just a group of kids, a group of teens, and two adults with some burgeoning sexual tension. We had a satisfying, clear-cut story about a mother going through literal Hell to save her son, a child escaping institutionalized trauma, and a father learning to let go, all tied up with a pretty neat bow in the final episode. Sure there was that little cliffhanger with Will in the bathroom, but hey, what would a Netflix show be without the tease of a sequel?

And by “sequel” I mean the other seasons, which I am entirely uninterested in watching. But that’s fine! I really felt like the story hit a natural stopping point after the first and only season that I have watched. None of this Russia stuff that I’ve seen third-hand by way of memes and clickbait. No extraneous characters who, as far as I can tell from the internet, exist for a few plot hinges and one-liners. Just our base crew of the kids, and Joyce and Hopper, whose relationship I’m sure will not be degraded into total cliche bullshit by the writers in the rest of the show.

Not that I’m going to find out, though.

I firmly believe that my analysis is the hard truth that no one wants to hear. Just like I don’t want to watch the rest of this series because I truly cannot be bothered to catch up at this point. Anyway, anyone wanna listen to Kate Bush with me?

Review: Mom Jeans “Best Buds”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week we are committed to bringing you reviews of essential albums that you need to add to your record collection. This time around we’re taking a look at Mom Jeans’ debut studio album “Best Buds.”

Mean Jeans, Pissed Jeans, Mom Jeans. Of all the jeans-based bands out there, Mom Jeans is simply one of the best. Not to mention this “Best Buds” record is excellent from start to finish. It’s got certifiable bops like “Death Cup” and “Edward 40hands.” And like most people, I discovered the band from “Now That’s What I Call Music!” Volume 58.

The year was 2016. I had been a huge fan of the “various artists” genre of music for quite some time, so naturally, I purchased this compilation CD from a nearly empty Sam Goody store. It just so happened to be marked down 80% off for some reason. Basically a steal. Anyway, immediately the track “Scott Pilgrim vs. My GPA” by Mom Jeans took me by surprise. Mostly because it was sandwiched between Kelly Clarkson and Selena Gomez songs.

Never in my life had I been so caught off guard by an album put together by Sony executives, except maybe that time the 2002 NTWICM! compact disc inexplicably included Slayer’s “Raining Blood” as track 16. Say what you want about this anthology, but they really like throwing curveballs.

And as someone who had the previous 57 volumes in his collection organized by a power ranking system that’s updated annually, I can tell you that Mom Jeans really stood out from the pack. Mainly because it was like a “one of these things is not like the other” type of situation.

Anyway, hard to believe but many people will actually argue that the Now! series hit its peak around volume 37, despite a promising showing from editions 24 through 29. But after discovering Mom Jeans on volume 58, you could easily argue that this one is the all-time best. Definitely top 15 at minimum.

But I think we can all agree that volume 49 was pure shit. I mean, the first few tracks were terrific, but it took an odd turn when the next 12 consecutive tracks were Louis CK standup bits before closing with a Bruno Mars song. Mom Jeans would never do that.

Score: 82 out of 82 volumes of “Now That’s What I Call Music!” compilations minus the 49th edition.

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Insecure Iggy Pop Wears Shirt In Pool

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MIAMI — Legendary punk icon and notoriously topless frontman Iggy Pop turned heads the other day after wearing a shirt in the pool at a local party, confirmed witnesses who collectively did a double-take.

“A little known fact about me is that I actually hate taking off my shirt when I’m around people, especially when submerged in four-foot-deep water and all eyes are on me,” said Pop in a fully drenched t-shirt that he’s had for 30 years yet only worn four times. “Sure, my stage persona is that of a confident shirtless wonder who runs around during live performances haphazardly smearing peanut butter on his bare chest when the mood strikes, but when I’m on my own time I’m just plain old self-conscious James Newell Osterberg who’s got the same amount of insecurities at my nephew’s 10th birthday pool party as the next guy. Honestly, I would wear a shirt all the time if it were socially acceptable for me personally.”

Friends of Pop couldn’t believe their eyes as the “Godfather of Punk” floated gently atop a pool noodle fully clothed.

“That guy didn’t even wear a shirt to my wedding and he was the best man,” said Lucille Copperbach, longtime friend of The Stooges frontman. “Even more curious is that he showed up to the front door of this party completely bare-chested, but when it came time to hop in the pool he put on a shirt before belly-flopping stomach first into the water. I’ve known him for 40 years but it wasn’t until this day that I was aware he even owned apparel from the waist up.”

Music historian and amateur psychologist Amy Harrisburg didn’t seem surprised at the singer’s choice in pool attire.

“Even legendary musicians are insecure and self-conscious about seemingly insignificant things, just like regular people,” said Harrisburg. “For instance, Henry Rollins has a fear of public speaking so he pictures everyone in the audience in their underwear and in physically worse shape than himself. Glenn Danzig is uncharacteristically afraid of the dark and has a little night light by his bedside. And then there’s GG Allin who surprisingly couldn’t piss or shit in a public restroom when there were too many people around. Unbelievable, right?”

At press time, Pop was seen putting on a full body wetsuit before taking a dip in the public pool at the YMCA.

PepsiCo Announces New ‘Pepsi Boneless’

Posted on by Ted Pillow

HARRISON, N.Y. — Executives at PepsiCo announced the launch of a new beverage called Pepsi Boneless which they hope will break through the discerning Gen Z consumer demographic, confirmed disturbed sources in attendance at a press conference held yesterday by the industry giant.

“Here at PepsiCo, we’re always trying to evolve along with our consumers,” said PepsiCo Vice President Glenn Anderson moments before product launch. “We’ve listened to thousands of focus groups, and they’re all saying the same thing. The message of the American public is loud and clear: no bones! Bones are inedible, they’re unnecessary, and they remind you of little skeletons. They are spooky and they belong in the graveyard. That’s why we’re delighted to bring you a thrilling new alternative in the soft drink market: Pepsi Boneless!”

Although PepsiCo claims to have spent millions on research and development, many have reacted to the news with confusion and unease.

“It’s fucking gross,” explained Zach Derwin, a 35-year-old electrician who describes himself as a frequent Pepsi drinker. “Boneless chicken wings are one thing, but this announcement is just freaking me out. Literally no one was asking for this. Not only will I never try Pepsi Boneless, but it has me thinking that I don’t want to drink any Pepsi products anymore. Did the FDA force them to do this or something? I mean, are they saying that regular Pepsi has bones in it? This might be just the sign I need to make the switch to Coca-Cola products. Always wanted to try their new limited edition Oven-Roasted Coke.”

Despite these vocal concerns from consumers, retail experts expect other companies to make similar announcements in the coming months.

“This is going to be like the Flamin’ Hot trend all over again,” noted retail analyst Alana Robinson. “You’re going to see all of the major snack and beverage companies jumping on the boneless bandwagon to try and cash in on this exciting new market craze. For example, I’ve already heard that this fall we’ll be seeing the release of Oscar Meyer Boneless Hot Dogs and Boneless Tropical Skittles. Dasani supposedly has something in the works, too.”

As of press time, PepsiCo announced an expansion to their breakfast offerings with Hairless Quaker Oats which is expected to pair well with their new beverage line called 2% Pepsi.