How to Ruin Both Your Soda Stream and Your Sobriety in 5 Easy Steps

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

First of all, hello, I’m Colleen, and I’m 24 months sober. Pretty cool, right? If you’re reading this and anything like me, you’ve probably fallen off the wagon a couple of times, but I’d like to personally commend you for sticking with it. Being a recovering alcoholic is hard work, so I like to make little games of everyday tasks when I can.

I recently bought a Soda Stream so I can make my own seltzer and pop at home! Here are some of my favorite things to do with my new appliance in the name of staying healthy, followed by the thing I actually did to keep my cycle of substance abuse spinning.

1. Stare Longingly at the Bottle of Wine You Got Recently In a Moment of Weakness

Ah, wow, yeah, that’s funny! This is gonna be a struggle right from the get-go, isn’t it? I really was hoping to use this thing for like, artisanal spritzers and shit, but…I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? A Soda Stream can definitely handle alcohol, right?

During this step it’s important to tell yourself that you won’t actually drink it, you’ll just let your roommates enjoy it. You’re just being a cool roommate, not falling off the wagon! Yeah!

2. Give In and Grab That Fucker

Fuck, okay, we’re gonna give this a shot I guess. Uncork that baby and take a deep whiff, and God, that smells good. Resist the urge to just drink some out of the bottle — we’re doing this for science, not so you can get fucking hammered at 11 am like you used to.

I just wanna see if this works, that’s all.

3. Pour The Whole Fucking Thing In

We’re committed now, so let’s do this thing! Dump the contents of your delicious Malbec right into the little plastic bottle of your Soda Stream, screw it in, and start carbonating, baby!

I should probably have one sip, just to make sure I’m not giving my roommates bad soda wine. I can spit it out though, no big deal.

4. Realize This Isn’t Going to Work

Shit — oh god, there’s fizzy red wine everywhere, and your Soda Stream is making weird fucking noises. God dammit, this is going to be a huge pain to clean up. This is a fucking mess. FUCK.

This is the kind of shit that makes you really want a drink.

5. Consider Calling Your Sponsor and Drink the Results Instead

Ok don’t panic, don’t panic, you’re having a moment of crisis. This is what your sponsor is for. All you have to do is not grab the half-carbonated remnants and chug them, and hop on the phone instead.

Just fucking kidding. Bottoms up!

Probably for the Best: Noggin Is Pulling the Episode of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” Where Bill Teaches You and Your Horny Friend How To Create a Woman With Your Computer

Posted on by Dan Rice

Whether you’re a parent trying to educate your children, a nostalgic ‘90s kid, or just an idiot who still needs basic science explained to you, Bill Nye The Science Guy is the infotainment you need! Unfortunately, not every episode has aged well.

In light of the modern cultural climate, Noggin has decided to pull the episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy in which Bill instructs you and your horn-dog buddy to put bras on your head and use your computer to create a nubile, godlike woman who will obey your every command from it’s streaming library.

The show is now prefaced with the following message from Noggin:

“Due to its antiquated objectification of women, the ethical questions raised by creating sentient life, and the threat to national security presented by the ownership of an omnipotent sex woman, we have decided to pull the episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy titled “Build-a-babe.” Enjoy the comparatively more wholesome episodes about building potato clocks and what clouds are.”

While this is objectively the right call, we made the mistake of asking what you think about Noggin’s decision on Twitter. Here are the top replies:

“First I can’t see Ken Jeong in blackface, and now this? Thanks a lot, lib-cucks!”
@electricboogadude

“I would not personally allow my horny stepson to watch that particular episode, but it should be my choice, not the choice of a corporation.”
@SonSoHorny6969

“When I was growing up me and my buddy Mark (my horniest friend at the time) made a woman on our computer. She made us a gang of mutant bikers, and they took over our entire town. Looking back on it now, it was a formative experience and probably the best summer of my whole life.”
@finnwolfhard

“Kids today are being robbed of a real childhood. They don’t go outside anymore, they live on their goddam phones, and they don’t create sentient computer gods that are also super hot. It’s sad.”
@HornyMark_09

NPR’s Tiny Desk Acquired By Live Nation

Posted on by Jose Balderas

WASHINGTON — Live Nation, the largest entertainment promoter in North America, paid an undisclosed amount of cash to buy the world-famous NPR Tiny Desk in a blockbuster acquisition, confirmed disappointed local donors.

“Live Nation is already putting together an experience Tiny Desk would not be able to provide in such a small and intimate setting,” said Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino. “We’ve got the best pyro techs in the industry working on a spectacular show that’s going to accompany our upcoming Coldplay tour. The original desk didn’t work for our vision, so we’ve tripled its size, which will be surrounded by a slew of other smaller desks around it and bring what will be the most high-tech experience currently on tour. NPR’s reach is notably smaller than our email list and we expect the arenas we’re coming into to be at capacity at every stop.”

While some long-time Tiny Desk fans aren’t sure what to make of the acquisition, the development was well received at NPR headquarters.

“Even though it hurts to sell such an established part of NPR’s rich musical history, the long-term benefits are astronomical,” stated NPR CFO Deborah Cowan. “We’ve struggled with getting people to donate, because you know we operate with donations from listeners like you. We couldn’t keep begging knowing so many people in their cars would turn the volume down when the donation script was being read or just straight up thought ‘I’ll do it next time.’ Now, look at what happened. We had to give up our prized Tiny Desk so we can keep ‘Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me’ alive.

Randy McNalle, a Live Nation customer who cannot figure out how to unsubscribe from the promoter’s email list, was one of the first people to receive an email blast about upcoming Tiny Desk concerts.

“This is depressing. As a long-time listener I’m devastated NPR did the worst thing possible and sold out like so many of our heroes,” stated McNalle. “I don’t think I’ll be attending the tour because I don’t care for any of those acts and the email I got said the next Tiny Desk tour will be Twenty-One Pilots opening for KISS! I’m beyond crushed! NPR said the sale was to cover funding but how can that be when we’ve all spoken very highly of their programming for years? It’s almost like my tweet about how I really enjoy ‘Up First’ was worthless.”

At press time, LiveNation has renamed the tour to “Rockstar Energy Drink Presents Tiny Desk.”

Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, And Superchunk to Headline Black Plastic Glasses Convention

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

CHICAGO — Bespectacled acts Dinosaur Jr., Weezer, and Superchunk are billed to hit the star-burst stage at this year’s Black Thick-Rimmed Glasses Convention, vision-impaired music enthusiasts report.

“Listen, we traffic in irony, and traffic is bustling,” show promoter Vance Vargle stated. “Half-remembered bygone eras, shabby chic sweaters… and that style outlier since the 90s is the false nerdy glasses. The only issue is our consumers are no longer solely found in urban areas. How do we get them to congregate again? Well, we play them the siren calls of a vaguely nerdy guy writing songs to a woman he will never actually talk to, and those nerds will be wrecking their wimpy bodies on the rocks of our nostalgia in no time.”

Excitement was high in the convention hall as vendors and showgoers arrived.

“This is big, really big,” stated black-rimmed glasses adorned Ferguson “Fergwad” Stoker. “I had no idea there was an entire music genre specifically for folks like me with astigmatism, but there it is! It’s like going to a baseball game and meeting the team mascots, but these mascots are just normal-sized humans with slightly oversized glasses. Now if I could just get these Dinosaur Jr. fans to stop giving me wedgies I will be having the best time I’ve ever had at a concert, outside from the time I saw Weird Al with my mom.”

The convention lineup attracted more than just the vision impaired as audiophiles arrived in droves.

“I was really hoping for the Get Up Kids, but I have to admit that Weezer was a great get,” commented avid music enthusiast, Jenny Staleman. “Without them, who knows if we would have The Anniversary, Reggie and the Full Effect, or even Ozma. And truly where would music be without Casiotone for the Painfully Alone? I’m fully prepared to name a minimum of 50 more bands if anyone asks, but as a fully vision-able person, I’m more worried about presenting as a true black-rimmed glasses enthusiast. Luckily a vendor was selling commemorative plastic glasses outside so I can blend without being socially accosted for the authenticity of my presence.”

At press time, organizers were reaching out to flannel shirt designers to sponsor next year’s convention.

How To Support Your Friends Unless They’re Doing Better Than You

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Being a good friend means more than just texting someone every few months to see if they can drive you to the airport on short notice. It actually involves supporting them in their goals in life, no matter how out of reach they may be. Unless, of course, they’re doing better than you. In which case, fuck those unworthy fucks.

Not exactly sure how to spot your true friends? They’re the ones who are doing worse than you. So here are a few ways you can be a real friend to those clearly beneath you:

Listen
Whenever one of your broke friends goes on and on about never having any money, just listen. Poor people love that. And if listening gets too boring, try thinking about something else entirely until they’re done with their little soliloquy. The trick is to make it look like you’re listening. But if they’re wealthier than you, simply end the conversation the minute they use the term 401k.

Reach Out
If you’re concerned about a friend’s emotional well-being, get in touch and ask them how they’re doing. Text, call, email. It doesn’t even matter. A simple one-off “u up?” should suffice. However, if your friends seem to be thriving at all mentally, simply go about your day as if they never existed. Out of sight, out of mind.

Compliment Them
Did your friend just start a creative hobby and it’s complete garbage, yet they’re considering opening an Etsy shop to sell it and earn an extra $5 a month on the side? Definitely shower them with kindness to boost their confidence. At least until they give up on their own. However, if their online store that sells handmade throw pillows in the shape of Timothy Olyphant’s face is doing absolute numbers, do not buy any for yourself no matter how badass they’d look on your couch.

Give Advice
There’s nothing your friends will like more than your personal opinion on their nuanced problems, especially if it’s unsolicited. If they’re going through something emotional, definitely tell them how they should fix it quickly so you can go back to talking about yourself. But what if they’re doing better than you? Still give them advice, but make sure it’s absolute dog shit of an opinion. That way it’ll knock them down a level so you can view them as friends again.

Concertgoer Finishes Adjusting Earplugs in Time for Final Chorus of Encore Song

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Audience member Dustin Toms finally positioned his earplugs perfectly in his ear canals just in time to enjoy indie garage band Iris Ever’s final chorus of their encore song, sympathetic friends reported.

“I started inserting my $60 Earfreak earplugs right before the set—that’s where the problems started,” stated Toms, who also wears disposable plastic shoe covers to concerts out of fear of damaging his sneakers. “They kept slipping out while making this creaking sound because my ears are so waxy. Then I tried jamming them in as hard as I could which caused me to panic thinking I couldn’t pull them out again. This process basically repeated the whole show. Anyways, I finally got them dialed in right as the show was ending. Had a blast singing along to the last few lines and would definitely go see them play that final chorus again live the next time they come to town.”

Friends of Toms are critical of his caution-focused approach to attending live music events.

“I don’t know why Dustin can’t just chill out and enjoy the music without jumping through all these hoops,” screamed friend Peter O’Reilly, who has already suffered substantial hearing loss at age 24. “How can you feel the music if it’s not assaulting your brain? It will never sound as good with earplugs in. And a side benefit is that when I’m older, I won’t have to act like I can’t hear my annoying kids and grandkids—I genuinely won’t be able to hear much of anything. Win/win. Two birds. Et cetera.”

Otolaryngologists offered professional advice for concertgoers who wish to protect their hearing.

“There’s a fine line between protecting your hearing and ruining the live music experience entirely,” said ear, nose, and throat specialist Dr. Wendy Wilcott at First Presbyterian Hospital. “My general guidance to patients is to use earplugs if it’s a band you’re lukewarm on. But if they’re one of your top 10, you should probably just rawdog it. Yes, you’ll suffer immeasurable hearing damage. But you don’t want to miss any sick guitar licks or drum fills.”

Sources report that Toms is self-sabotaging his enjoyment of the Summer Forever Music Festival by repeatedly running to shade and reapplying sunscreen in lieu of actually watching any band play.

Review: Social Distortion “Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and revisits a notable album from punk history. Except for this week, when we got drunk and listened to Social Distortion’s “Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes” instead.

We began our review process as we always do, with a hollow promise to our editor that we wouldn’t write it while listening to the album through a shitty jukebox and slamming doubles at LongShots all night. Obviously, this was a lie.

Unfortunately, we forgot that it was karaoke night on Wednesdays and the jukebox was turned off. But we were able to quickly improvise a solution by offering a shot of rail bourbon to anyone willing to perform a song off the album as their choice of karaoke night jam.

This tactic resulted in seven separate versions of “Machine Gun Blues” being sung as well as one cover of “Reach For the Sky,” which only later did we learn was not a track from this album. Still though, we felt like we had enough to get the gist of it and proceeded to begin our review.

That’s when we noticed some hack from Pitchfork was eyeing us up from down the bar like he was trying to start some shit. We thought to ourselves “what would Mike Ness do in this situation?” So we walked over and flicked a lit cigarette at the pretentious motherfucker before beating him senseless with a ridiculously-chalked pool cue.

Anyways, after the bouncer pulled us apart and the police began taking statements from everyone, we realized we still have not begun our review of the album. This didn’t matter so much as karaoke had ended and our company laptop was entirely lost in the fray.

Still, we felt as though the night that the album inspired, and the bail posting which the site will almost certainly not cover, were a pretty good analogy for how this record feels overall.

SCORE: 8 out of 10 pool cues busted over a hipster’s sternum

/**/

Marvel Fan Outraged after Jean-Luc Godard’s Obituary Features Zero Post Credit Scenes

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

RIO RANCHO, N.M. — Self-proclaimed Marvel mega fan Devin Hume was shocked and outraged after seeing legendary filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard’s obituary featured absolutely no post-credit scenes, confirmed sources currently digging into the Godard-iverse.

“I’m a huge film buff. So even though I’ve never seen any of this John Luke guy’s movies, I still gave his obituary a read. But this thing is boring as hell. It’s all ‘cinema verite’ this and ‘innovative narrative structures,’ and assisted suicide, that. So, I skim all the way to the end, but there’s nothing there. No post-obituary scene, no cameos, just me, alone in my apartment, as always,” said Hume. “I mean, this guy is supposed to be some brilliant filmmaker, and his death didn’t even set up any sequels or spin-off TV series. I spent hours combing that whole website thinking maybe the Privacy Policy page or something would contain an easter egg hinting at Tarantino taking up Godard’s mantle. But I was just disappointed.”

Wife Elysha Underwood believes that her husband’s latest outburst is indicative of a larger mental issue.

“It’s not just movies. Marvel has completely warped Devin’s worldview,” said Underwood. “Last year, he shared with me his elaborate ‘fan theory’ on why his estranged father would make a surprise cameo at Christmas. And when that didn’t happen, he claimed ‘Feige works in mysterious ways’ and insists it’s all part of his grand plan for a heartfelt reunion in phase 5. I love him and I really want him to get help, but if he quips to me again that he wants to play ‘hide the zucchini’ I will divorce and/or murder him.”

Filmmaker Martin Scorcese claimed that Hume’s response was yet another sign of Marvel’s damaging effect on the film industry.

“I know I got flak for it, but I stand by what I said. Marvel movies are not real cinema. Too much CGI and product placement have completely destroyed the young generation’s attention spans. That’s why they can’t appreciate real art, like an eight-hour experimental film about a guy sleeping. Now that’s a movie,” said Scorcese. “Back in the ‘70s, me and Bobby never needed silly costumes and theme park rides to make films. All it took was a great story and enough cocaine to give a beluga Whale a coronary.”

In related news, DC movie fandom has been added to the DSM-5, and all DC fanboys are being preemptively put on suicide watch.

Photo by Gary Stevens.

Genetic Study Reveals 30% Of Canadians Have Broken Social Scene DNA

Posted on by Doug Kolic

OTTAWA — A recent study revealed that over 11 million Canadians, or roughly 30% of the country’s population, have Broken Social Scene DNA.

“We discovered the findings accidentally while testing the wastewater for infectious diseases like Covid and Monkeypox,” stated Gerry Lapine of the prestigious Sutherland Institute. “But then we noticed a new genome sequence which was replicating at an astonishing rate each time we tested. Our analysis confirmed that most Canadians at one time or another were either in or are direct descendants of Broken Social Scene. We knew the band had a lot of members, but the extent to which they have infiltrated our genetic makeup was truly remarkable. It used to be rare to bump into a member of a famous band, the same way it was to find Polio in the water, but here we are.”

Local Canuck Tim Thomson described his feelings about learning his heredity.

“Holy geez! I was a bit shocked when I found out about my musical ancestry, but then I kind of remembered being in a band during my boozy college days, and it turns out that band was Broken Social Scene,” said Thomson. “Everyone always jokes that half the country was in the group at some point, and in my case that was actually true! Turns out my wife was also in the band, so was our dentist, and the same with our Labradoodle, which explains where our pooch Stanley was when he went missing for a week last summer before eventually coming home with a tambourine in his mouth.”

Founding member of the band, Kevin Drew, explained how this was only the beginning of their grand plan.

“It’s no coincidence that we have so many members,” began Drew who was in the middle of onboarding a busload of new musicians. “Today it’s Canada, tomorrow The States, and next week we’ll rule the entire world! There’s a reason why we’re always recruiting new members at a rate the US army could only dream of. We’ve set up hundreds of indie farm systems around North America that act as feeder leagues for us, which will ensure our DNA not only takes over the earth but also one day the universe.”

At press time, Elections Canada announced that membership in the band now comprised the largest and most powerful voting bloc in most provinces.

Pitchfork List of “100 Greatest Songs About Being a Little Teapot” Somehow Ranks “I’m a Little Teapot” #2

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Pitchfork’s ever popular yearly list of Greatest Songs About Being a Little Teapot reportedly made the debatable choice to rank “I’m a Little Teapot (Short and Stout)” at number two, insider sources confirmed.

“Look, I know it might be a controversial ranking, but our readers look to Pitchfork for hot takes, and this is one of the hottest takes you could ever have,” said staff writer Linda Bemmelman. “While we’re not discounting the validity of ‘I’m a Little Teapot (Short and Stout),’ one must keep in mind that it’s a very mainstream hit, whereas we pride ourselves on being part of the music journalism’s vanguard…so we had to give that top spot to the rare Strawberry Alarm Clock 1966 B-side ‘The Teeny, Tiny Teapot Is Little Ol’ Me-pot.’”

Though some of Pitchfork’s readership was stunned, most were simply perplexed that such a niche list continues to exist.

“It’s honestly nuts that list goes up year after year. I can name maybe two songs about being a teapot, tops,” said longtime Pitchfork reader Brittany Wartwell. “I was maybe going to say the title song from ‘Beauty and the Beast’ was my personal favorite choice, but it turns out that one doesn’t even count since it’s just sung by a teapot, not about the experience of being one…I’ll be frank with you, every time they put this list out, I think about making the switch to becoming a Stereogum gal.”

Most troubled by the verdict was Clarence Z. Kelley III, the only living descendant of one-half of the original composition team behind the classic song.

“A second place ranking is not only a slap in my face, but it’s a slap in the face of my ancestors who worked day and night to compose ‘I’m a Little Teapot,’” said an enraged Kelley. “You think you just come up with the idea to rhyme stout with spout in a week’s time? It took months…years even!”

“And speaking of even, that’s just what I intend to get…even with Pitchfork,” Kelley added, sinisterly. “And we’ll clear the good name of my family’s legacy. It’s not just tea that’s gonna be boiling…it’ll be blood.”

At press time, a drunken Kelley III was reportedly even more “steamed up” to the point where others “heard him shout,” which led to a rather violent “tipping over” and an inadvertent “pouring pee out.”

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