“A Band Is Like a Marriage,” Says Recently Kicked Out Bassist Who Is Also Divorced

Posted on by Scott Murray

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local bassist Randy Jacobs is reportedly doling out expert advice on maintaining relationships despite being currently band-less and having just finished going through an acrimonious divorce, confirmed disinterested sources.

“I could write a book on all the ways being in a band is nearly identical to being married. It’s a sacred partnership with a single goal—which is usually being impeded by the other person’s lame ideas for album or child names,” said Jacobs, 36, who most recently lost his job playing bass with the band Pipefitter. “Division of labor is also important. Johnny, my old guitar player, always made sure we got paid before leaving the venue, and I always made sure we’d used all our drink tickets. You need that sort of balance.”

Those familiar with Jacobs’ wisdom report that he has long since been a walking encyclopedia of unwarranted advice and misery, quick to share it with any bright-eyed newby, or patient bartender.

“When I met Randy things really clicked. As soon as we got together we dropped all our side projects to focus exclusively on our indie-rock duo, The Vows,” said local drummer and vocalist Jenny Hammond. “It was great for a few years, but we went our separate ways eventually. I kept telling him you can’t string a girl along forever, eventually, she’s going to want to make an album! But it all came crashing down when he broke things off to write songs with a talentless waitress at the restaurant where he washed dishes.”

Local Ph.D. student Pierce Mathis believes there is a science to relationship building.

“I’ve read a lot of advice out there about how to build and maintain lasting bonds, but you have to be careful where you look,” said Mathis. “In my research, I discovered this Dunning-Kruger-like phenomenon where people who have the most to say are typically emotional children who really shouldn’t refer to themselves as ‘experts.’ Money is often the biggest problem in relationships, I’m currently not in a band because I’m broke as hell. I knew a Ph.D. would put me in the poorhouse, but I definitely didn’t account for my former vocalist ordering 300 misprinted t-shirts with my credit card.”

At press time, Jacobs was seen repeatedly touting his ability to buy beer to a group of teenage musicians without a bass player.

Every Oasis Album Ranked by How Many Fistfights the Gallagher Brothers Had While Recording Them

Posted on by Doug Kolic

No discussion of Britpop is complete without mentioning the brash Mancunian brothers of Oasis and the two things they were best known for: pop-rock anthems and kicking the shit out of each other. Here’s our ranking of every Oasis studio album by how many fistfights Noel and Liam Gallagher had while recording them, ya daft wankers!

7. Definitely Maybe (1994) – 5 Fights
Since this album was their debut, the Gallagher brothers were much more focused on honing their craft than fighting. Other than the crystal meth-fuelled incident at Whisky-A-Go-Go when Liam threw a tambourine at Noel’s head, their relationship was mostly amicable.

6. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? (1995) – 9 Fights
This is the album that cemented Oasis as legends but, like their debut, they were still intent on recording songs rather than letting fights get in the way. The most brutal row occurred when Noel smashed Liam over the head with a cricket bat for claiming “Mad About You” was funnier than “Seinfeld.”

5. Be Here Now (1997) – 14 Fights
It’s common knowledge that Noel once ripped the unibrow off Liam’s face while in session, something which was covered in the 1998 MTV documentary “Celebrity Deathmatch.”

4. Standing on the Shoulder of Giants (2000) – 22 Fights
The biggest fight oc curred while recording “Little James,” a song Liam wrote for his pet turtle, Jameson. Noel didn’t think a song about a turtle would fly with their fans so after a weekend of punches, kicks, and elbows, they agreed to lie and say the song was actually about Liam’s son who was coincidentally also named James and was also little.

3. Heathen Chemistry (2002) – 36 Fights
Sources tell us Liam’s arrest in Germany for fighting the police was nothing compared to the brotherly smackdown that occurred in the studio after Liam urinated in Noel’s Corn Flakes, which was the inspiration for “Stop Crying Your Heart Out.”

2. Don’t Believe the Truth (2005) – 58 Fights
The band’s second to last album was so volatile that Noel and Liam were each fitted with shock collars. Their mutual hatred peaked in October of that year after they tore apart the studio while arguing over who got to be John Lennon for Halloween.

1. Dig Out Your Soul (2008) – 125 Fights
Noel quit the band in 2009 after Liam wielded his guitar like an axe at his head. But sources tell us the worst bloodbath occurred during recording when Liam thought they should cover Hanson’s “MMMBop” while Noel insisted he’d leave the “the biggest fucking band in the world” if it wasn’t Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi.”

The Mountain Goats Release Concept Album About Ken Burns Documentaries

Posted on by James Knapp

CLAREMONT, Calif. — Indie-folk mainstays The Mountain Goats recently released a daring new concept album that explores the dark and introspective complexity Ken Burns’ films, sources who commit a lot of time and energy to really weird, niche shit confirmed.

“Ken Burns is just one of those guys that you look at his work and think to yourself ‘that is exactly what I wanna be doing.’ I mean, thirteen hours about the National Park Service — that’s insane and I just love it,” said songwriter John Darnielle. “We’ve explored concepts from everything from wrestling to goth culture to… whatever ‘Heretic Pride’ was about. But this one is just another level. I’m not even sure what we’re gonna follow this record up with–although I did just learn that Ken has a brother who also makes documentaries, so maybe that’s something.”

Despite Darnielle’s enthusiasm, fans’ reactions were mixed about the new album.

“It was kinda cool, at times, I think. Though I couldn’t figure out what was up with that weird Civil War narration that was playing overtop of everything,” said longtime fan Patrick Jeffers. “I really wanted to like this one, but it was just too meta sometimes. I realize that all those guys are really smart dudes but holy shit, I did not ever need to know that much about Mark Twain’s sex life, let alone have it set to a reggae beat. That was just plain upsetting.”

Documentarian and Supercuts shareholder Ken Burns explained how his approach to filmmaking likely influenced the new album.

“When I get behind the camera, I’m not thinking about the audience’s preconceptions about the topic, because frankly, I don’t give a fuck about those dumb donkeys,” explained a surprisingly aggressive Ken Burns. “What? You thought ol’ Burnsy is some mellow jazz nerd, didn’t you? Well I’ll tell you what, I make documentaries that kick people in the teeth with knowledge. And if one ounce of that bled through into the Goats or whoever’s album, then you’re about to get your whole face rocked right the fuck off!”

At press time, Darnielle was seen feverishly researching Indiana tax code for inspiration.

Rad Man: This Guy Wore His Actual Domino’s Uniform to the Ska Show

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

I’ve been to hundreds of ska shows in my life but what I just saw is probably the most epic thing I’ve ever witnessed. I watched this band called “The Skallywags” have one of the best sets I’ve seen in a while. But it wasn’t the band that I couldn’t take my eyes off. It was the dude who showed up wearing his Domino’s uniform!

I’ve seen The Aquabats at least 37 times. I’ve seen Skankin’ Pickle perform the song “Hulk Hogan” while dressed as Hulk Hogan. I saw a dude dressed up as a giant fish at a Reel Big Fish show. But this is next level.

Look, I’ve been in this ska game a long time. I’ve been spit on by Eddie of Voodoo Glow Skulls. One time Mike Park of Skankin’ Pickle almost broke my neck stage diving on me. One of the dudes from Less Than Jake gave me the “live long and prosper” sign, but again, none of these things compared to the dude wearing his actual uniform from Domino’s.

I was transfixed from the moment he skanked past me wearing that shirt. This wasn’t some knockoff or even a promotional item. It was the real deal. This guy fuckin’ worked there, man! That’s so sick. Even if he was The Noid I couldn’t avoid loving him.

No matter what happens, I’ll never forget that dude in that Domino’s uniform and the way they both skanked into my heart without warning. You could call him a trendsetter but I hope I never see another Domino’s uniform in the pit again. Some things should only be seen once.

So You Made a Deal with God and Got Him to Swap Our Places: Now What?

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Wow! You actually did it, you absolute queen. After so much deliberation and preparation, you managed to do the impossible — you made a deal with God and got him to swap our places, you crazy son of a bitch. But you may find yourself thinking: “what’s next?”

Fortunately, we’re here to help you out. Here’s everything you need to know about how to move forward!

Step 1: Celebrate!

Seriously, you deserve it. It’s no small feat to strike a deal with the Big Man himself. And getting him to swap our places, of all things. Take a minute to really pat yourself on the back.

Step 2: Assess your surroundings

I would say I’m having a little party as well, but considering my place in this trade, supermax prison isn’t exactly the best place to do that. I’m in solitary right now, dude, and I’m starting to feel a little paranoid that maybe I got the short end of the stick here.

Step 3: Realize the extent of your crimes

I honestly had no idea you had fucked up this bad! I kind of assumed that this would be an equal deal, you know? Like God would at least give me something cool in exchange for giving up my spot in life. Instead I’m literally on death row. That’s fucked up of you twice over. You know, once for killing that guy and once for pinning it on me like this.

Step 4: Beg (Please God Help Me)

Actually, you know what? It’s fucked up of God, too. Isn’t he supposed to be benevolent or some shit? What did I do to deserve this?

Please. No seriously, please help. I’m manacled to the floor and getting really tired of eating mysterious food passed through a one-inch slot in the door.

Step 5: Acceptance

Well, I guess this is it for me. I’m doomed to live out how ever many days the state decides I have left in this hellhole. But in the meantime…

Step 6: Consider asking God for revenge

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? Right?

Cop Jealous of How Many Teenagers School Shooter was Able to Take Down in Single Day

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CEDARBURG, Wisc. — Local school safety officer Jacob Miller quietly admitted he was jealous of a gunman that opened fire on a classroom killing eight students and a teacher, confirmed sources close to the law enforcement official.

“I have a lot of free time during that day and yeah, sometimes I fantasize about putting on my tactical belt, throwing on a slick looking cloak, and just lighting up these little assholes,” said Officer Miller while stringing police tape around the crime scene. “These kids are so mean, they’re sort of asking for it. They walk by me and snort like a pig, and a group of the popular girls call me ‘fatty boombalatty.’ The student that did the shooting was a kid I used to mentor; I thought he would have had a great career in law enforcement if he didn’t blow his own brains out after reading a few pages from his manifesto over the school intercom.”

Members of the community were outraged to learn the police officer assigned to protect the school did nothing to stop the shooting.

“There is video footage of that piece of shit cop seeing the gunman entering the school and turning and walking in the other direction,” said local parent Maria Schultz. “Security cameras show Officer Miller ducking into the teacher’s lounge, locking the door, then breaking the glass on the vending machine and eating three Snickers bars faster than a hungry dog with a bone. It makes me sick to think that this was the man that was supposed to keep our kids safe.”

Despite being subjected to several mass murders each month, lawmakers are not expected to make any substantial gun control laws.

“You would think that America would finally wise up and do something to limit who has access to guns, but what actually happens is the gun lobby spins the narrative to say ‘we need more guns, guns everywhere will keep people safe,’” said gun control activist Tara Moyd. “These people are truly deranged and have lost the ability to reason. If your house was on fire they wouldn’t suggest calling the fire department, they would say ‘go spray the rooms that aren’t on fire yet with gasoline, the fire will be distracted by the smell.’”

Following the latest shooting board members at the NRA celebrated another record-breaking month for donations.

Hospitals Overloaded With Injured 40-Year-Old Men Following Release of New Botch Song

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TACOMA, Wash. — Doctors and nurses across the country were forced to set up triage stations to help treat middle-aged men with soft tissue injuries thanks to the new Botch single “One Twenty Two,” multiple sources needing ice packs confirmed.

“We haven’t seen anything like this since Cave In started playing their old songs live again,” said Dr. Alice Winston. “Within an hour of the song’s release, I treated over a dozen men for strained hamstrings, rolled ankles, and what many described as ‘some sort of pinched nerve’ in their neck. It’s just been ramping up all day long as more and more old dudes hear the single. Eventually our waiting room was full with these guys listening to the song together, talking about how many times they saw Botch live, and eventually making their injuries worse when they tried to show off some mosh moves.”

Daryl Tucker, one of the many men seeking treatment, believes the band is to blame.

“Botch should know better than to surprise their fans like this. If I had known a new song was dropping I would have visited my chiropractor, seen a massage specialist, and done some light stretching,” said Tucker while lying on the floor trying not to move. “This wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if the song sucked, but unfortunately, it rips, and we are all paying the price. My only saving grace is that I work at a motorcycle repair shop and all my coworkers including my boss also love Botch and ended up hurting themselves too. So we are closed until Monday at least.”

Physical therapist Anya Selle says this should serve as a warning for all hardcore kids approaching middle age.

“When Have Heart played those reunion shows a few years back, my website crashed from the amount of people needing help,” said Selle. “People have to understand that as we age our bones become more brittle, muscles are not as elastic, and fatigue sets in almost immediately. If you haven’t listened to the new Botch song yet, I recommend you do at least two weeks of cardio and some yoga, then maybe you will remain healthy. But take it slow.”

At press time, aging fans reported being mysteriously kicked off their health care plans as rumors of a full Botch reunion began to swirl.

“We Are Co-Headlining,” Claims Opener

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Touring punk band Crazy Cool Maggie told several sources that they are technically co-headlining with more well-known group S.O.A.P., despite the fact that they are clearly just the opening act, concert attendees report.

“When S.O.A.P. brought us on for this tour, we floated the idea of actually co-headlining and they were totally on board with it,” Crazy Cool Maggie frontman Blake Owen said to several bystanders who happened to be hanging around the merch table. “Technically speaking, we haven’t actually closed out a show yet, but S.O.A.P. had some family in the audience the past few nights so we let them take the lead. And before that we were near their hometown so it wouldn’t be right to steal the spotlight. There are still three more shows, so we will probably close after tonight, for sure.”

S.O.A.P., however, has no intentions of ever letting that happen.

“Yeah–I kinda remember them saying something about co-headlining, but we really just agreed to the possibility of it because they own a van and ours just broke down,” S.O.A.P guitarist Betsy Roy explained. “We figured that after two weeks they would get the hint, but they just aren’t. We are running out of excuses. Today we told them that our frontman is trying to kick heroin and he really needs the self-esteem boost. Now I have to go buy some heroin and plant it in his bag so it seems believable.”

Music Sociologist Dr. Nina Jackson explained that this behavior is often done to avoid confrontation.

“It is difficult to find a band willing to go through the stress of touring while being just an opening act, so many times larger bands will make promises that they never plan on fulfilling,” Jackson said. “Sometimes it’s a higher cut of the door revenue, or that they won’t have to load in everyone’s equipment. Being taken advantage of by a more successful band is all a part of paying your dues in the music business.”

UPDATE: Crazy Cool Maggie finally succeeded in becoming the headliner after S.O.A.P. dropped out of the last leg of the tour due to low ticket sales.

If Metallica Is Good Enough To Perform With a Symphony So Is Korn

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

When I first heard Metallica was doing another album with the world-famous San Francisco Symphony a few years ago, I was like, “Symphonies are for dorks,” but I was also like, “That should’a been Korn.” If it has to be done, Korn is the band that should bring the mosh pit to the Sydney Opera House–or at least the San Jose Center for the Arts–because Metallica is lame.

There are so many reasons why this is a great idea, and absolutely all of them have something to do with the 24-ounce Monster Energy I shotgunned five minutes ago.

I CAN TASTE COLORS!

For starters, Jonathan Davis is an accomplished multi-instrumentalist. Can you imagine some sick-ass symphony motherfuckers backing the band on “Shoots and Ladders”? Picture Jonathan Davis walking out on stage killing the bagpipes while a bunch of Ibanez 7-string violins in drop D tuning shred with Head and Munky. You know that would be sick. Obviously, Jonathan will wear a kilt, and symphony bastards love multicultural motherfuckers.

And don’t forget the scatting! All the Franklins, Theodores, and mistresses in the audience will BOOM-DA-DA-MMM-DUM-NA-EE-MA DA-BOOM-DA-DA-MMM-DUM-NA-EE-MA love that shit.

Scatting is art, and we need to normalize having a weird, thin mustache and spontaneously bursting into fits of syllabic seizure.

Sure, Metallica has a long history of dynamic songwriting, virtuosic solos, and a massive base of rabid fans that make them a natural fit to play a show with the fancy band geeks, but Korn would definitely do it better.

My heart feels like it’s gonna RUM-DUM-DI-DUM pop, dude.

Never forget that Metallica sold out, dude. James and the boys have been releasing an endless stream of absolute turds since “And Justice for All.” Know who never sold out? Korn. They never stopped making greasy music for the children of under-educated Midwesterners when they got popular. Maybe it was the meth. Maybe it was the continuous lyrical rehashing of unprocessed childhood trauma. Maybe they’re just physically unable to play different chords or strings or tempos. Who knows?

Bottom line: “A.D.I.D.A.S.” would sound better with bassoons and French horns. Plus, Korn shows are the only public place I can wear my Lee Pipes without ridicule.

Now, point me to a hospital. I CAN HEAR THE DEVIL TAKING A SHIT.

Inconsiderate Man Burdens Friend With Free Concert Tickets

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

INDIANAPOLIS — Local asshole Brodie Mccaffery had the audacity to burden his work friend Dianne Lin with 100% free, no strings attached concert tickets, multiple sources confirmed.

“I bought tickets to see Weed Killer a few months ago, but unfortunately my friend’s mom had unexpectedly passed away, so I’ll now be spending that evening baking casseroles for the family as they sit shiva. I’m disappointed I’ll miss the show, but it’s more important to be there for my loved ones,” said the incredibly rude and thoughtless piece of garbage Mccaffery. “Luckily, my co-worker Dianne is a huge fan. I’m just glad someone will get to enjoy the concert. Although she did seem kind of perturbed when I handed her tickets, but then I heard her mutter ‘mother fucking asshole’ under her breath, which I guess is her way of saying she’s really excited for the show.”

Lin explained her frustration with her coworker’s generous obligation.

“I really thought Brodie was my friend. But then, out of nowhere, he foists show tickets on me and carelessly offers to pay for parking. Now I have to fucking leave the house and be around people for a whole Friday,” said Lin. “I tried to weasel out of it, but then he said he’d finish my quarterly reports so I could leave work early, as well as change my oil on his lunch break. All I ever want is to Grubhub fast food and binge ‘Love It or List It.’ But now I gotta put on jeans.”

Perhaps related, Weed Killer lead singer Gina Dalton noticed a change in audience demeanor during the band’s recent tour.

“The other night I asked the crowd how they were feeling, but the reaction was lukewarm shrugs mixed with outright aggravation,” said Dalton. “Throughout the night I saw a bunch of people taking joyless photos of themselves in front of the stage, as if they needed evidence they were there. Then after our set, we went backstage before the encore. A few minutes later we returned to the stage and everyone vanished. We played two last songs for a few empty beer bottles and some servers breaking down their workstations.”

At press time, Lin is planning to fake a pregnancy and take maternity leave after learning Mccaffery is offering several of his coworkers a free, week-long stay at his lake house.