How To Tell Smiths Songs From Morrissey’s Solo Work by Whether or Not It’s Good

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

We’ve all been there. One moment, you’re listening to music in your car, and the next thing you know, you hear Morrissey’s voice on the radio. The part of you that loves The Smiths wants to be delighted yet the part that hates Morrissey is frightened. What if you inadvertently support his lackluster solo career?

Luckily, it’s surprisingly easy to tell The Smiths and Morrissey apart. One put out several great albums and the other is Morrissey. One’s albums sell for modest prices on Discogs while the other rots in a used record store’s dollar bin. Some tracks are harder to identify like Morrissey’s cover of the classic Smiths hit “How Soon Is Now?” but listen closely and you’ll quickly learn where to draw the line between lonely and pathetic.

Think about it. The Smiths may not be known for releasing happy music but at least you find yourself tapping your toes to Johnny Marr’s delightful little riffs. Those usually play for at least 30 seconds before Morrissey opens his mouth. Listen for one of those before you get scared and skip some of the greatest music of all time. Besides, no merciful god or DJ would play solo Moz on the radio. You’re probably safe if you’re listening to a half-decent radio station.

You’re statistically more likely to accidentally skip a good Smiths song than you are to enjoy a whiny Morrissey solo track. The average casual listener skips 12 or 13 Smiths songs a year, though most of those skips are from people who feel guilty when “Meat is Murder” starts playing in the McDonald’s drive-thru line. True Smiths fans know better than to make this mistake.

If you really can’t tell the difference between a great band and a grown man having a melodic tantrum, close your eyes and do some soul-searching. Ask yourself — are you having a good time? Would you recommend this music to others? If either is true, it’s The Smiths. If not, at least your unironic enjoyment of Morrissey’s objectively terrible music makes you far more open-minded than he is.

Encore Actually a Timeshare Presentation

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SEWICKLEY, Pa. — Audience members of last night’s Duck Cruncher show were surprised by an elaborate timeshare presentation instead of a proper encore, intrigued yet fiscally cautious sources confirmed.

“Look, the fact of the matter is, we care about our fans and wanted to let them in on this deal of a lifetime. If that means putting our instruments aside for a moment, and showing a few slides of this property in Montauk–which is beautiful this time of year, might I add–so be it,” said longtime Duck Cruncher guitarist Freida “Gizmo” Paramus. “Pardon us for trying to give the crowd their hard-earned money’s worth! I mean, have you ever been to Montauk in the spring? You haven’t? Well, at least take a few of these complimentary full-color brochures.”

Employees of the Kitchen Sink, the venue of the Duck Cruncher show, expressed dubiousness over the band’s ethics.

“Oh, it’s a total scam. But I’ve seen it work on a huge slew of ill-advised audience members over the years. It’s no wonder that band has such fancy new gear all of the time,” said bartender Lemon Kendrix. “Any time one of them needs a new amp or they want to upgrade the stage lights, out comes the Powerpoint presentation. Still, I must admit, they really do make Montauk sound like a paradise. Perhaps I’ll take them up on a week or two in the summer months, around my birthday.”

Strikingly obvious audience plant Orvis Pfeffer refused to drop the bit, even during his interview.

“Wow, what a fantastic deal! You’d have to be crazy to mosh past a bargain like that,” shouted Pfeffer, while slyly circulating paperwork throughout the crowd as they left. “Gee, is it just me, or should they just do the presentation a few times through, instead of playing more of those pesky songs? Oh, and if nobody has a pen, I’ve got a bunch right here. Better sign up, before I take the whole year. Montauk ‘n roll forever!”

At press time, suspicions regarding Duck Cruncher’s scamming were enforced when they turned their merch table into a Three-Card Monte station.



Oasis Reunion in the Works After Noel Gallagher Finally Venmoes Liam Gallagher the £8 He Owed Him

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

MANCHESTER, England — An Oasis 2024 Reunion Tour is currently in the works after Noel Gallagher finally sent a Venmo payment to his brother Liam Gallagher for the £8 he’s owed him since 2009, sources close to the brothers confirmed earlier this week.

“It was the same old shit with him, man. I owed him a couple shekels for two vodka sodas and he let it blow up into this big huge thing,” said the elder Gallagher brother. “He’s always trying to be the martyr. Imagine all of the fucking music we could have been making if had just let this slide. I know for a fact that me mum gave him the 8 quid years ago, but the wanker said ‘That doesn’t count.’ He kept her money though, the right prick.”

The legendary rift between the two brothers was solidified in 2009 after an argument over a bar tab, but according to Liam, the argument went much deeper than a few measly drinks.

“Listen, when we got to the bar me, and Noel both agreed that we would each have our own separate tabs. He looked me in the eye and told me that he would,” Liam said. “Then when it came time to close out I saw that this bloke put five vodka sodas on my tab. When I confronted him about it he only paid me for three. Aren’t we brothers? I’m supposed to play for tens of thousands of people every night knowing that he owes me for two drinks? It’s about so much more than just the two drinks, it’s about trust. I’m happy to put this behind us, but I’ll always have both of my eyes on him from now until the day I die”

David Waterman, a top Manchester therapist for treatment, was hired by the duo’s mother Peggy Gallagher in hopes of having her sons finally on good terms.

“This was one of the most severe cases of emotional avoidance I have ever seen,” said Waterman. “First off the session started late because Liam didn’t bother to show up, when we finally started the session it was just two hours of complete silence with the two men staring at each other menacingly. I finally suggested that Noel just Venmo Liam the money he owes him. The transfer went through, they shook hands, kissed each other on the cheek, and then left. They both need some serious help .”

At press time, the Gallagher brothers were apparently in another argument about guitar strings Noel borrowed from Liam without asking.

15 Bands You’ll Listen to in College to Avoid Being Seen as a Complete Loser

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

College. These are the good ol’ days if you were a loser in high school and then continued being a loser after college. There’s so much that changes during college and it’s hard to believe you ever had an iPod full of pop punk and nu-metal. Your music taste should expand, hopefully for the better, so here are our picks for the 15 bands everyone discovers for the first time while at college.

Every My Chemical Romance Album Ranked

Posted on by James Knapp

My Chemical Romance proved to the world just how far an oversexed MySpace profile could take you in this world. Sex it up right and you’ll play shows sold out stadiums, look cool in a marching band uniform and have access to all of the eyeliner you could ever possibly eat. MCR did what we all should have been focusing on while instead, we curated our Top 8. Here’s our definitive ranking of every My Chemical Romance album.

4. I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love (2002)

Let’s just get this one out of the way awhile. “I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love” is a fine album. For a first record it is quite strong and all the other things you’re supposed to say about a good band that’s still developing. My only real complaint… it smells. Like the actual CD that I had as a kid, it was stinky. I don’t know what the hell that was about and MCR, if you’re reading this (yeah, you’re reading this), I’m glad you were able to avoid that literal disc stench for future releases. Christ, that CD really did smell like Jersey.

 

Play on repeat: “Skylines and Turnstiles”
Skip it: “Our Lady of Sorrows”

3. Danger Days: True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (2010)

What is it with really successful punk bands that feel they need to change up their image or style and so they do and it works really well and then for the next thing they do after that they pretty much do the same fucking shtick over again. I get that growth is hard but c’mon! Wasn’t this exactly what you were just trying to avoid? Probably the dumbest part is that we all buy into it all the same. Like we have some sort of cultural amnesia that just takes us over and we stand, dumbfounded with mouth agape just ready to be fed whatever the next compliance-induced morsel the producers decided to drop down on us. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, “Killjoys” is pretty good.

Play on repeat: “Bulletproof Heart”
Skip it: “DESTROYA”

2. Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge (2004)

“Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge” sounds the way riding the bus in middle school feels, but in a good way. This album is the equivalent of finally being cool enough to sit all the way in the back row where the bus driver can’t see you and getting to do some over-the-clothes hand stuff with the grade-up girl who is way too hot for you. Hooray for public school negligence!

Play on repeat: “Thank You For the Venom”
Skip it: “Interlude”

 

1. The Black Parade (2006)

Once in a generation an album comes around that completely redefines our cultural appreciation of music. For the life of me I have no idea what that record would be for 2000s emo kids, but “The Black Parade” kicks a whole lot of ass so screw it, let’s say this is it.
I don’t know what to compare it to, so let me take another big swing and say, uh, “Freewheelin’.” There you go. “The Black Parade” is “Freewheelin’” for a smattering of baggy Hot Topic pants clad millennials.

You know what, I don’t actually hate that analogy.

 

Play on repeat: “Welcome To the Black Parade”
Skip it: Do I really have to pick something to skip? I do? Fuck. Fine, I guess “Disenchanted” doesn’t kick that much ass. Nah, it actually does. Whatever, I’m done now.

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

Greek Orthodox Punk Celebrates Record Store Day Thirteen Days Later

Posted on by Max Barth

NEW YORK – Local Greek Orthodox punk Roland Lee admits he regularly misses out on limited edition Record Store Day releases due to the fact he and his fellow practitioners celebrate the occasion 13 days later than most.

“Our scene runs on the Julian calendar,” said Lee, a self-described “Archpunk” who has led the Greek Orthodox scene “since before you were even fucking born, pal.” “Which is a thing my Greek friend Julian made up to explain why he wasn’t actually behind on rent one month. The whole house kinda ran with it, it grew and grew, and now a bunch of us celebrate Record Store Day two weeks after the rest of the world. It just sucks that last year we missed out on the Wipers reissue, so the only thing I was able to get was a copy of Kirk Hammet’s solo project, which I never even bothered opening.”

Sean “Booger” Howell, the owner of a local independent record store Booger’s Picks, lamented the Greek Orthodox punks and their effect on the store during the spring holiday season.

“Record Store Day used to be this big unifying thing,” said Howell. “Everyone in the scene came by, shot the shit, maybe bought an exclusive reissue or something. Now I gotta hold some of my best stuff for these weirdos or they get pissed, which in turn pisses off everyone else. And it’s not just Record Store Day that causes problems – it’s all the big holidays. I’ve had Orthodox employees showing up absolutely baked on May 3rd claiming that’s ‘their 4/20.’”

Other scenes in the tri-state area have taken notice of the Greek Orthodox punks and are said to be developing their own calendars, number systems and even variations in recording noise albums in suburban basements.

“We’re super inspired by what they’ve done over there,” said a member of a nearby scene, granted anonymity due to ongoing inter-scene drama. “The Greek Orthodox Punks are groundbreaking… the culture hacking, messing with the temporal bedrock of capitalism itself. We’re thinking of going even harder in that direction. Maybe we’ll celebrate Record Store Day zero times. I mean, who can afford that shit anyway?”

As of press time, Lee began stockpiling nicotine gum to prepare for his biannual 40-day cigarette fast.

Opinion: It’s Not Too Late for Kiss To Start Making Good Music

Posted on by Chris Bowen

I know Kiss gets a pretty bad rep. Yeah, they have legions of “fans” who probably only like them for being a real-life Saturday morning cartoon show or because they’re suckers for drama, or whatever. But one thing is certain: people don’t claim to like Kiss because they have some amazing discography or anything like that.

But I say, it’s not too late. It’s not too late for a band that has been around for 50 years to start writing music they can be proud of! I mean, 5 decades of practice is more than enough time to hone their chops to finally write some bangers. Look at it like this: the last 50 years can sorta be like that of a prize fighter’s amateur fights. Now it’s time to start getting into the professional big leagues.

All of the elements are there. Their branding is on point. They have cool make-up and crazy outfits. They have millions of fans and experience playing in arenas. All that’s missing is a halfway-decent song.

Let’s face it: what Kiss has become is just sad. Between the drama with Ace and Paul, Gene Simmons being Gene Simmons, and not releasing music since 2012, they’ve gotten stale. I think Kiss should capitalize on the fact they aren’t raking in all that cash anymore to focus on writing good stuff. No more crazy distractions.

I would think that if Kiss were to do their 8th “farewell” tour, they would at least want to have a couple of full-fledged bangers to leave a lasting impression on folks. I just don’t think “Heaven’s on Fire” is going to really “wow” the younger generations into the Kiss Army life.

They say age is just a number, and when it comes to 70s rock bands, there’s no time like the present for Kiss to shock the world and prove that beyond all the ridiculous signature theatrics, nonsensical band drama, and prerecorded live backing tracks, they can actually write some music to be proud of.

9 Names to Consider Before Naming Your Child Aiden

Posted on by Tim Graham

So, you’re expecting—that’s amazing! I just know you’re going to be such a great parent and you’ll love and nurture that perfect little angel. So why the fuck are you going to give him a played-out name like Aiden?

We can trace the current popularity of Aiden back to “Sex and The City,” though the name has ancient Irish roots. That’s cool and all—but enough’s enough. Playgrounds are chock-a-block with Aidens these days. Here are 9 other names to consider for your beautiful little boy.

Norman

It’s really cute to give babies old-person names. Besides, you can almost guarantee your child will have a lucrative career as a CPA with a name like Norman.

Joel

If you’re going to name your kid based on a character from a popular TV show, you could do worse than the mass murderer with a heart of gold from “The Last of Us,” right? Joel is a tough, rugged name. Can you imagine how much the show would suck if Ellie were running around shouting for “Aiden” all the time?

Nebuchadnezzar

Biblical names have been popular for thousands of years. However, people tend to choose safe, boring names like David, John or Paul. Don’t be a coward—go with a deep cut that’s bound to make your special little one stand out from the crowd.

Lemmy

How cute would it be to dress your baby Lemmy in a little black hat and shades? You could get a custom pacifier that makes it look like he’s smoking a tiny Marlboro Red.

Raiden

Simply adding the letter “R” transforms the lame, uninspired name Aiden to Raiden, the cool, lightning badass from Mortal Kombat who slices people in half with his razor-hat.

Varg

Okay, I know Varg Vikernes is a horrible racist and murderer, but how cool a name is Varg? You can be sure with a name like that, no schoolyard bullies would dare fuck with lil Varg’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards.   .

Dorito

It’s very likely that Frito Lay will pay you a lot of money to name your kid after their delicious nacho cheese chip. They’d probably even toss in a few snack crates if you tattooed “Cool Ranch” across the bundle of joy’s forehead. Just go ahead and name him Dorito first and worry about inking a deal later.

Glenn

Why wouldn’t you want to name your child after Glenn Danzig? Just make sure to explain to people that you’re naming him after early-Misfits-through-Danzig-4 era Danzig (including Samhain) and you want nothing to do with whatever bullshit he’s been up to for the past couple of decades. And when the youngin is acting up you can threaten to legally change his name to Michael Graves. Beats the hell out pretending to call Santa, right?

Mug

I don’t know, I’m just looking around the office and spitballing here. Basically, anything is a step up from Aiden. You know, something like Folder or Raisin or Xerox…anything will work, really. I guess what I’m saying is everyone named Aiden or has named someone Aiden can get fucked.

10 Phoebe Bridgers Songs You Can Mention to Impress Your Hinge Date

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Dating can be tough. Do you ever find yourself wondering how to be less of a dweeb and feel more hip around prospective partners? You’ve come to the right place. Unless you have abysmal taste in music or have been living under a rock for the past six years, we’re sure you’ve heard of the universally acclaimed indie-rock angel, Phoebe Bridgers. We’ve scoured her excellent solo works, side projects, and one-off covers to present a list of songs that are sure to help you stay relevant and seem cool when you finally meet up with your latest Hinge match.

Disclaimer: If you’re only reading this article for tips on how to get laid, please refer to our upcoming podcast: “The Hard Times Guide to Fucking Your Way Through Tinder.” Hinge dates are more about feeling seen.

“That Funny Feeling”

We’re no gossip hounds here, but rumor has it that Bridgers and comedian Bo Burnham just might be friends IRL. If your date seems to be the type that likes to dish that hot goss about two strangers minding their own business in steamy settings like public airports, be sure to work this fantastic Burnham cover into your conversation.

“Scott Street”

If you happen to be a drummer and somehow find yourself with enough spare time or charm to date anybody, you already have the perfect excuse to spring this one. Thanks to lines like “you said ‘it’s too much shit to carry’,” you’ll be provided with the opportunity to mention your Phoebe phandom as well as your questionable instrument choice. You might be thinking that you’ll lose points by bringing up one of her most popular songs, but esoteric doesn’t always equal intriguing. Chances are, your date will love the fact that you aren’t too cool for one of Bridgers’ top five tracks on Spotify.

“Me & My Dog”

boygenius is the first and only project that granted Bridgers the opportunity to work with equally talented songwriters. Having the knowledge of this supergroup is not only mandatory for your eardrums, but is essential to mention if you don’t want your date to think you’re a total fucking dud. Bringing this song up will almost certainly lead to a conversation about how much of a total piece of shit singer/songwriter Ryan Adams is. If you fancy yourself a fan of his and start feeling the ick, politely excuse yourself from the table and go fuck yourself, because that’s the only action you’re going to get from this rendezvous and possibly for the rest of your miserable, lonely life.

“Didn’t Know What I Was In For”

Back in 2019, before the world went to shit and you still knew how to make eye contact and talk to humans properly, Bridgers and folk-rock icon Conor Oberst surprised audiences with Better Oblivion Community Center. A dual effort that displayed both artists’ best skills and even made Oberst sound like he was a good singer for once in his life. The opening track to their eponymous debut features several signature Bridgers motifs and is sure to exude an attractive “they listen to other music too” quality. We know what you’re thinking, though: “What if my date asks: ‘isn’t Conor Oberst kind of a dick?’” We’re not sure if he is, and the pair seem to be on amazing terms, but we’ve got you covered.

“Moon Song”

This track has long been rumored to have painted a rather unflattering portrait of previous bandmate Oberst, which must be a bit awkward for him having contributed backing vocals and co-writes for the album on which it is featured. We’re not here to churn the mill on that topic. If your date happens to be, though, you’re sure to unlock hours upon hours of decrypting the allegedly coded lyrics on this one. Just be sure not to let the conversation go off the rails into your ill-informed defense of John Lennon or Eric Clapton.

“Emily, I’m Sorry”

You certainly won’t be sorry for bringing up this absolutely heart-destroying lead single from the latest boygenius album. Name-dropping this one not only shows you aren’t afraid of feeling your feels (people on Hinge eat that shit up), but also that you stay up on current trends. It’s a great aura to emanate as there is no bigger turn-off than being anywhere but in the present moment.

“Georgia”

We’ve given you a lot of the hits here, but you’re worried your date is going to think you’ve just skimmed a few tracks for conversation pieces. Breathe. You’ve got this. Nothing gives off that sexy “I’ve listened to ‘Stranger In The Alps’ all the way through” vibe quite like uttering the name of this tucked-away sleeper hit. Go ahead king, queen, or anywhere in between. Show your illustrious studied side and let your date know you might be the one.

“Friday I’m In Love”

Hopefully, you don’t make the fatal mistake of telling your date you love them after the two of you have only just met, but if you do, don’t sweat it. It’s been a lonely couple of years and you’re trying your best. When your date recoils at what you hopefully just muttered under your breath, save the day by explaining you were just asking their opinion of Bridgers’ excellent cover of the Cure classic “Friday I’m In Love.” It’s a track that makes Robert Smith’s songwriting sound likable, and it just may help you avoid total disaster.

“Sidelines”

We’re sure we’re not the first to say it: Confidence is sexy as fuck. You can’t go wrong by claiming you relate to a song in which the first line says “I’m not afraid of anything at all.” Phew, did it just get hot in here or is it you? Bonus points if you can work in how you tear up anytime you hear the line about talking to your houseplants. Unbridled sexuality is nothing if not paired with a strong, yet gentle, nurturing side.

“Motion Sickness”

You be asking yourself, “What if my date is also lame and has no clue what the fuck I’m rambling about?” That’s totally fine. Your date is definitely familiar with this TikTok anthem at the very least. Use this one to throw them a bone if the vibe starts getting rocky. They’ll be fascinated upon learning that the song features two verses and a bridge in addition to the chorus they certainly already know the words to.

Septum Piercing Fights Handlebar Mustache for Ultimate Control of Man’s Face

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

NEW YORK — Local man Wyatt Whitaker experienced a one-of-a-kind event when his septum piercing began fighting his handlebar mustache in an attempt to win ultimate control of his face, sources who weren’t sure which one to root for confirmed.

“I was walking around Prospect Park when I felt a weird tugging near my ‘stache,” said Whitaker while showing the ten stitches in his philtrum. “At first, I thought maybe a fly got in there again, but when I saw fresh blood on my t-shirt I knew something was wrong. Next thing I knew different sections of my face were going hog wild on each other. I briefly considered taking my piercing out as a way to wave a white flag, but my septum had other plans. Either way, it was like a Civil War on my face.”

Janae Griffith, a barista working at a nearby coffee shop, saw Whitaker’s injury after he ran inside shouting for help.

“That dude was not OK,” said Griffith while playing a video she recorded of Whitaker on her iPhone. “I figured he just had a crazy nose bleed, but when I zoomed in closer it was like a scene from ‘Fight Club’ happening right above his mouth. He locked himself in our restroom after grabbing a stack of napkins and asking if we had any extra disposable razors in the back, so I called 911.”

Dr. Jonah Wiley, sociologist and author of the highly-regarded “Conflict Resolution and Body Piercing,” offered his opinion on the matter.

“The fight for facial dominance makes sense, especially if we consider the fact that the man’s septum piercing was new and that he had pre-existing facial hair,” Dr. Wiley explained while drawing on a nearby whiteboard. “To put it in context, the piercing was like a new baby, and the mustache was like an older sibling trying to adjust to the change. Occasionally professional piercers neglect to mention this potential side effect to clients, but it is in small print on the standard liability waiver.”

At press time, things got even more tense when Whitaker’s inner lip tattoo gradually started shifting to the front of his lips, making it a three-way competition for facial dominance.