Every Against Me! Album Ranked

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Against Me! has experienced quite a rocky road through the punk scene. They were pretty much the last band to get hated on for “selling out” before people stopped caring about that. Even initially, they were dismissed by the punk scene because they played acoustic guitars. They even got called sellouts for going electric in 2002; a concern that was just as ridiculous as when Bob Dylan went through it in 1965. They got called sellouts for everything. Hell, they were called sellouts when they thought about signing to a major label. And, of course, once again when they eventually did sign to one. Yet, all the while, AM! has been consistently releasing music that pushes the boundaries of punk, while maintaining a very devoted fanbase, who remain diehard despite the many changes in the band’s lineup and sound. Today, we rank the albums of the band that no one wants to admit created folk punk. Oh, and spoiler alert: I’m a music snob who prefers the old stuff.

7. Shape Shift with Me (2016)

The latest Against Me! album, Shape Shift with Me, is a solid addition to the band’s catalog, but it suffers from an issue that many other alternative bands’ albums suffer from in their later years. They know their sound and their audience so well that newer releases often sound like a fanfic version of their own band.”Shape Shift with Me” has some great moments but this record feels pretty paint-by-numbers. But what do I know? I’ve only been listening to them since before you were born.

Play it again: “Boyfriend”
Skip it: “Suicide Bomber”

6. New Wave (2007)

Okay, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, this is probably their most critically and commercially successful release and, yes, this is probably the album that got you into the band. Unfortunately, this is a weak album in the context of AM!’s entire discography. It’s mostly mid-tempo songs that sound like a mix of punk and butt rock, which we’ll just call “Buttflap Rock.” The screams were dialed back to yells and the songs are structured and arranged in conventional ways that fail to showcase the best of what Against Me! has to offer. Or maybe I’m just still mad they signed to a major label.

Play it again: “Piss and Vinegar”
Skip it: “Animal”

5. Searching for a Former Clarity (2005)

This record shows a direct bridge between two distinct eras of Against Me!’s sound. Prior to 2005, the band’s songs tended to have an unconventional, almost freeform structure. Another aspect of their signature sound was having two rhythm guitars playing different parts overtop one another. “Searching for a Former Clarity” captures the band as they were shifting to a more conventional sound. Still better than New Wave though.

Play it again: “Even at Our Worst We’re Still Better Than Most (The Roller)”
Skip it: “Holy Shit!”

4. Transgender Dysphoria Blues (2014)

Lyrically, this album brings back the gut-wrenching honesty that made early Against Me! records draw in such a devoted fanbase. While recent AM! records spoke mostly on external topics like politics and the music industry, Transgender Dysphoria Blues is a return to form in digging deep inside oneself to pull out gems of brutal honesty and self-reflection. Plus, the band was no longer on a major label so it was okay for me to like it.

Play it again: Transgender Dysphoria Blues
Skip it: Osama bin Laden as the Crucified Christ

3. Against Me! As the Eternal Cowboy (2003)

The songs on this record were rushed. As a result, you have the accidental masterpiece that is The Eternal Cowboy. The songs are fast, loud, and short yet their structure is closer to jazz or prog rock at times. The album flows so well. The whole is absolutely greater than the sum of its parts. Also, check out their demo recording of this album. Ironically, if we were ranking that version, my “play it again” song would be Unsubstantiated Rumors Are Good Enough for Me to Base My Life Upon.

Play it again: “Rice and Bread”
Skip it: “Unsubstantiated Rumors Are Good Enough for Me to Base My Life Upon”

2. White Crosses (2010)

When it comes to this band’s ability to write more conventional music, White Crosses is far and away the best AM! release to date. The leads are memorable and catchy, the lyrics and vocals are compelling, and the polished production matches the music perfectly. Lyrically, Against Me! produced some of their best scream-along songs in almost a decade on this record. It was so good I was able to forgive that it came out on Sire Records.

Play it again: “Bamboo Bones”
Skip it: “Rapid Decompression”

Honorable Mentions: Crime as Forgiven by Against Me!, Against Me! EP, and The Disco Before the Breakdown (2000-2001)

If it were up to me, all of these EPs (along with “Vivida Vis!” and the “Against Me!” demo) would be tied for number one. However, the very strict guidelines that make up The Hard Times rankings system clearly dictate that all EPs, live albums, demos, and any bootleg recordings I made are ineligible for consideration. But go listen to these albums.

Play it again: “Tonight We’re Gonna Give it 35%” (Try to find the demo version that sounds like it was recorded in an airplane bathroom. It’s perfect)
Skip it: N/A, these albums are flawless

1. Against Me! Is Reinventing Axl Rose (2002)

From start to finish, “Reinventing Axl Rose” hits you with one iconic scream-along song after another. This transcendent punk album was lightyears ahead of its time. Plus, it’s the band’s only full-length release featuring Dustin Fridkin on bass and backing vocals. The way Dustin and Laura’s voices combine is indescribable and, even though the band released some great stuff after his departure, the loss of Dustin’s voice took away a lot of the power of Against Me!’s vocals. To me, this record is Against Me! at their best. And by that I mean I like that they were on No Idea Records at the time.

Play it again: “I Still Love You Julie”
Skip it: “Jordan’s First Choice”

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

Breaking: Scientists Detect Presence of a Different Mazzy Star Song

Posted on by Dave McNamara

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Scientists at the Kalvi Institute for Astrophysics and Space Research recently made an unexpected discovery: a Mazzy Star song that wasn’t the one you slow danced to during your eighth-grade semiformal.

“I found it by accident, actually,” said Research Associate, Lisa Brown. “I was looking at some reels on my phone and I saw two seconds of a Mazzy Star video that didn’t appear to be ‘Fade Into You.’ I brought this up during our weekly planning meeting and everyone got very excited. We immediately tried to detect the occurrence again using our extensive parabolic antenna collection, but couldn’t get any signal. I know this wasn’t a fluke, and if another Mazzy Star song exists in the galaxy, our equipment will pick it up eventually. We just have to be patient.”

Hope Sandoval was the voice of Mazzy Star and looks back fondly on the band’s success with “Fade Into You.”

“Yeah, we actually had four records and recorded dozens of other songs,” Sandoval said while clutching her stomach and swaying slightly. “All anyone seems to remember is ‘Fade Into You,’ which we’re grateful for, but really, we had a lot of other music. For some reason, no one seems to believe me when I tell them this. I’ve played physical records for people to prove it, but they just zone out and say something like ‘I’ll just have to take your word for it.’ They only want to believe in that one song they used to make out to when they were fourteen.”

National Science Foundation Chief of Staff, Neil Peterson states that the organization plans on awarding the Kalvi Institute with a generous grant for its work on the Mazzy Star Finder project.

“We’re all obviously very excited about the research being done at the Kalvi Institute,” said Peterson. “For nearly three decades we’ve believed there was only one Mazzy Star song available. The thought of finding a new one, or possibly several others within our lifetime, is a very compelling idea. This discovery could have massive implications for our civilization, particularly on Gen Xers’ sex playlists. That is why we’re awarding the lab with this five million dollar grant.”

At press time, the Kalvi Institute detected what they believed might be a new Mazzy Star song, but it turned out to be just some leftover reverb from “Fade Into You.”

We Asked Werner Herzog For an Action Movie and He Gave Us Two Hours of Landscape Footage and Narration About Mankind’s Struggle to Conquer Nature

Posted on by Dustin Newman

With big-budget action movies like “Top Gun: Maverick,” “Avatar: Way of the Water,” and “John Wick 4” taking over the box office, we contacted legendary director and “The Mandalorian” star Werner Herzog to get back behind the camera and make the next great action film.

Having raised a nearly unlimited budget via crowdfunding, then giving the great auteur as much time as he wanted, Herzog finally came back with mind-numbingly boring landscape footage and dry narration about humanity’s endless, brutal conflict against nature.

Knowing full well that we financially took a bath on this one, we sat down with Herzog to discuss the project:

The Hard Times: “Werner, I just want to say, we respect you and your vision but this isn’t what we were expecting. Maybe you could talk us through some of these scenes, like the roughly thirty minutes of a cactus you chose to open the film with.”

Werner Herzog: “Splendid. As I say in so many words in the scene, the cactus stands alone, as we all must, against nature, against time. The cactus with its spikes which poke ever so sharply, is like a reverse prison, only instead of metal bars keeping one in, its spikes keep us all at a distance, only able to guess what lies within. I can imagine nothing more suspenseful than this.”

THT: “Really? Nothing? Let’s just move on to this next scene. Here we see a partially constructed building. Again, nothing really happens in the scene, Werner.”

WH: “I suppose if you consider man’s struggle to conquer nature to be meaningless then you are correct, nothing happens. However, if you look closely you’ll see nature and man are a blight upon one another. Mankind’s armament is composed of concrete, steel, and its machines. Is it hopeless? Nature is an imposing foe and man itself is of nature. Man surely cannot conquer nature with what it must take from nature itself. This fact I have laid bare within the scene, the tension is quite palpable.”

HT: “You aren’t really making me feel any better about this action film Werner. Okay last one, is the whole third act just footage of you driving?”

WH: “Precisely. A young person at an electronics store convinced me to purchase and install a recording device, which I believe may colloquially be referred to as a dashcam, in my personal vehicle. The footage is truly captivating.”

Our Continued 4/20 Coverage That You Will Be Too Stoned to Remember Tomorrow

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

We all know that 4/20 is one of the most important holidays on the calendar and we have done plenty of reporting on it over the years. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

New Study Confirms Cannabis Does Whatever the Fuck You Gotta Hear to Make You Feel Better About Yourself

“You feeling bad about the way you look? Blam — this study proves that doing edibles means you’re hotter than your friends. You want your parents to love you? 10 out of 10 of our doctors agree that vaping makes your dad enjoy paying your rent while you do freelance for Vice.”
Read more….

We Asked a Local Stoner to Shut the Fuck Up

Just shut up already.
Read more…

BREAKING: Thing Would Make Great Bong

“With a little bit of Gorilla Glue, a dremel tool with a glass cutting attachment, some PVC piping, and that hooka I broke a few months ago, this thing would make a pretty killer bong.”
Read more… 

Netherlands Celebrates Fourten Twitzen, A Day Where Sober Children are Beaten With a Sack of Oranges by Sinterkush

“It is much fun to be had for children to be doing the smoke drugs, and if they blaze hard enough the Sinterkush will reward them by filling der hats with Cheetos for da munching. Really it is me. I fill de hat with de munchy Cheetos, but you mustn’t tell dem!”
Read more… 

Sleep Album Still Playing From Last 4/20

“I never wanted to be the grumpy neighbor, but I heard that record through the walls every day for God knows how long. I never knew if it was the same song or a new song — I felt like I was losing my mind.”
Read more… 

Guy Poking Head Through Beaded Curtain Can Tell You Exactly Why It’s Called 420

“So, what happened was, like, there was this school in California, and — wait, did someone let the cat out? You gotta watch your feet when you come in, or he’ll run out!” Cobb said, who went on to yell “Bonkers!” several times in an effort to locate his cat, Bonkers.
Read more… 

Domino’s Drivers Putting On Their 4/20 Tires

“You need these more durable tires to get you through our mandatory 24-hour 4/20 shift with traction and toughness to spare. This is what we train for all year. This is when the professionals show what they’re made of.”
Read more… 

420 Credit Score Almost Worth It

“Sure, I’ll never buy a house, it’ll be super hard to find a good job, and no one will probably ever rent to me, but all of that is almost worth it to have a mildly funny credit score for these next couple weeks until it changes again.”
Read more… 

Modern Day Cinderella Leaves Half-Smoked Bowl Behind

“I’ve gone to parties with Spencer [Cobb] for years, and I’ve seen a ton of girls get bored and just leave while he’s in the bathroom or something… and he just goes back to playing video games or whatever. But I’ve never seen him run after their busted-ass Honda Civic, asking for their name. She must be really special.”
Read more… 

Stoner-Tech Metal Band Trying Really Hard to Write Song in 4/20 Time

“We took a much-needed smoke break at practice when [bassist] Steve [Fernil] goes, ‘What if we wrote a concept album with 420 super-short tracks?’” said guitarist Ricky Hensley. “But, then, I’m like, ‘What if we wrote a song in 4/20 time?’ We knew this was huge, so we immediately took one more massive rip and got to work.”
Read more… 

Funyuns and Shasta Left Out For Weed Guy

“I really hope he drops by tonight and gets me that Watermelon Kush I asked for. I’ve been pretty good this year, so I’m optimistic,” reported one local stoner.
Read more… 

Cannabis Dispensary Closes to Observe 4/20

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

DENVER — Local dispensary Cloudbuster Cannabis Club announced they will be closed all day today in observance of 4/20, red-eyed sources report.

“I believe 4/20 is one of the most important days of the year, and in that spirit, I’m giving all of my employees a 24-hour smoke break to listen to ‘Dopesmoker’ in their bedrooms,” manager Shane Westcott said while assembling celebratory goody bags for his staff. “I’m sure people will get heated about this but it’s their own fault for not taking care of their holiday shopping sooner. It’s not like anyone here would have been willing to work the afternoon shift anyway, let alone do so in a state where they can provide decent customer service.”

Unaware of the closure, longtime customer Brooklyn Moore was enraged to see the empty shop this morning while attempting to purchase cannabis products for today’s festivities.

“Just because I want the day off to celebrate doesn’t mean I support essential businesses doing the same,” Moore said outside the dispensary’s darkened storefront. “Now I’ll have to walk all the way across the street to another shop that doesn’t offer nearly as many strains. I just hope nobody else gets inspired to give their workers the day off next year. If King Soopers can stay open on Thanksgiving, I don’t want to see any more dispensaries closing their doors on 4/20.”

Drug policy expert Logan Decker criticized the closure as a hypocritical slap in the face to those unable to access marijuana or paid time off.

“We can talk about making 4/20 a government-recognized holiday when weed is legal nationwide,” Decker said after failing to get PTO at his university teaching position. “Hell, even if that happens, 4/20 should be a day where people get a little blazed at work. At least that’s what I tell myself when I light up in the men’s room during my lunch break because CU Boulder wouldn’t give me the day off. This is off the record, right?”

Not to be outdone, the Colorado State Penitentiary will also celebrate 4/20 by offering all inmates with marijuana charges a 20% discount on select commissary items.

As Your Mayor, I Can’t Wait To Use Our New Marijuana Sales Tax Revenue To Give More Money to Cops

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Greetings, citizens! As our great state takes the bold step of legalizing marijuana this year, I am thrilled to announce that this city will be allowing the retail sale of cannabis. And with that comes a nice chunk of tax revenue. But don’t worry, we’re going to use that money well. Mostly to increase our police force, making sure we torpedo any hard-fought gains for our communities that have been disproportionately harmed by marijuana arrests.

Look, our cops have been pretty busy these past few years. At one point, it seemed like maybe they were going to have to cut back on their murdering. But fortunately, that wasn’t the case, and now we’re gonna need to expand the force some more.

Now, you might try to tell me that the taxes we collect from our legal cannabis establishments should be used for other town needs like the library, the schools, or maybe even the pothole-riddled roads. Everyone wants good roads, right? Not having your tires blow out every time you try to go to the grocery store should be apolitical.

All of those are fine ideas. But not as important as giving more money to our police officers. Just imagine how many arrests they can make with more funding, especially now that they have to plant drugs on people that are more expensive than weed.

They’re gonna have to get creative. Maybe they’ll use that sweet tax money to pad out the yearly civil rights lawsuit defense budget. However they use the money, the point is cannabis legalization is a HUGE step for our fine city. It’s a chance to change the narrative. To empower our communities. And, above all, to make sure our police officers can buy whatever cool new murder toys they want.

Cool Smoke Shop Doesn’t Card If You’re Wearing an Electric Wizard Shirt

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

AUSTIN — Self-described “cool” smoke shop Throne Room Tobacco will not require photo ID for customers who are wearing Electric Wizard shirts, bearded sources report.

“Most Electric Wizard fans are well in to their 40s by now, so this policy is the perfect way for us to improve the shop’s reputation without landing in hot water,” Throne Room manager Chuck Greene said as he restocked Delta 8 gummies. “Everyone hates being perceived, especially people who just want to get their glass products and blast ‘Funeralopolis’ in their bedrooms. It’s not right to make those folks show ID. Also, doom metal merch is practically the uniform at the board game shop next door, so this is a great way for us to make new friends.”

Longtime Throne Room customer Scott Freese wasn’t aware of this policy when he mistakenly wore merchandise from other bands to pick up his smokes.

“I thought this was a pretty cool establishment because the staff always complimented my Electric Wizard tee, but today I wore a different shirt and everyone treated me like a total stranger,” Freese said after reluctantly fishing his license out of his pocket to show a cashier. “They even scanned my ID to double check that it was real because they didn’t trust the old photo of me from before I grew out my beard. Mind you, I’m wearing a Weedeater shirt and a matching beanie right now. A really cool smoke shop would respect that instead of asking invasive questions about my home address.”

Tobacco expert Cliff Sowards suggested the shop take additional measures to improve its coolness.

“If Throne Room really wants to be an ultra-hip smoke shop, they should stop carding altogether,” Sowards said loudly over a sludge riff. “At the very least, they need to extend their Electric Wizard exception to include other strains of metal, for the safety and anonymity of their clientele. Under the current policy, people could get busted just for having Electric Wizard shirts in their closets. Training employees to recognize more bands and logos remedies that problem while improving the shop’s reputation among loyal customers.”

In other news, the local Hot Topic now requires photo ID to purchase Electric Wizard merchandise.

Report: Clarence Thomas Received 50% of Supreme Court Merch Sales Without Disclosing It

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON – An audit of Supreme Court merchandise sales revealed that Justice Clarence Thomas pocketed roughly half the proceeds while failing to disclose said income as required by law, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“After a careful review of the cash in my desk drawer and undisclosed island bunker complex, I will be directing my financial advisors to retroactively report the income from said merch sales,” said Justice Thomas in a statement. “At no time did I intend to be caught benefiting financially from my position of great power and responsibility, nor did I intend to besmirch the honor of a court that recently reversed decades of established law to deprive women of their bodily autonomy.”

Chief Justice John Roberts, reached for comment by shaking him awake at his desk, was forceful in his condemnation of ethical lapses by members of the Court.

“The Court holds itself to the highest nonbinding and unwritten ethical standards, which is why I am pleased to announce that Justice Alito will be resigning due to what happened to all those puppies,” said Justice Roberts. “I will say that at the time of the event he did not know the puppies were still alive. Wait, what are you asking about?”

A representative from Punks for Merch Transparency, the nonprofit group that performed the audit, disclosed how the investigation unfolded.

“We got a tip from the Court’s previous merch guy that an unidentified Justice has been regularly skimming the profits from the RGB keychains and, most recently, the entire Kavanaugh Vineyards line,” said Tyler Torrenson. “We started asking questions and Justice Thomas was the only member of the court who didn’t deny it. Alito just hissed into the phone, which I’m told is normal.”

As of press time, Justice Thomas was retroactively investing the retroactively reported profits into shares of Amazon.

Death Metal Band’s Vocalist Hasn’t Memorized a Single Lyric in 15 Years

Posted on by Chris Bowen

TAMPA, Fla. — Murderkiller vocalist George Kostner admits he takes pride in the fact he hasn’t committed a single lyric from any of his band’s songs to memory, several camouflage pants-wearing sources report.

“One time I just repurposed the lyrics of ‘Oops…I Did It Again’ for our song ‘Release the Meat Hooks’ just for the hell of it,” Kostner explained. “In fact, I’ve never even owned a notebook in my life. All I have to do is yell and near-rhyme shit like ‘gore’ and ‘morgue’ and the crowd is none the wiser! I’m sure the lyrics our bassist and founder of the band writes are brutal and all, but little does he know, I’ve basically freestyled ‘Drillbit C-Section’ for the past 15 years now.”

Longtime Murderkiller fan Jessica Garcia noticed the legendary death metal singer’s peculiar stage presence.

“I love Murderkiller, and always have. But just like any other death metal band, I don’t look to them for lyrical content I can relate to,” Gracia explained. “That being said, George has some pretty curious stage mannerisms. He’s always covering his mouth with the mic and keeps his head down the entire show almost like he’s hiding something, but who cares. No one goes to death metal shows to join a sing-a-long anyways. As long as I get those brutal song title introductions, I’m a happy customer. Even though he seems to get a lot of the song title intros wrong.”

Extreme metal expert Carlos McCoy noted other musicians in the black, death, grind scenes who have coasted through their careers.

“I’m just going to throw this out there now: the majority of these metal scenes consist of musicians and singers just winging it,” a shiny bald-headed McCoy said. “You think Karl Sanders is actually saying anything about Egypt and shit up there? In fact, he likes to switch it up with each show by screaming lyrics about other ancient civilizations. Best one I heard was his entire off-the-cuff set on the ancient people of Göbeklitepe. Very brutal yet super informative!”

At press time, Kostner also admitted that he hadn’t even written a single lyric on Murderkiller’s previous album, noting that most of the words derived from random items on past grocery lists.

10 Satanic Classic Metal Songs of the 1980s That Will Make You Pledge Allegiance to the Dark Lord

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Heavy metal is the devil’s music. It’s written in the Bible. When you die (and if you try hard enough, when you’re alive) and you inevitably end up in Hell, you’re going to want to get on Lucifer’s good side. So we’ve provided you with a list of bonafide ‘80s metal tunes you and your new eternal Beelze-bub can play on what we imagine would be a killer sound system and headbang together too. And sure, you might ask, “Who the fuck is this band?” but you want to impress Satan with your heavy metal knowledge while you burn in hellfire for all eternity, right? We thought so.

Running Wild “Chains and Leather”

Before Germany’s Running Wild grew out of their satanic imagery phase towards a more mature, dignified pirate gimmick, they released two of the decade’s most deliciously cheesy Satanic metal records. Gates of Purgatory is probably the more evil of the two, but Branded and Exiled has the song “Chains and Leather” on it. And with lyrics like, “Even Satan wears leather, our souls to it forever,” it holds a place on this list.

Slayer “The Antichrist”

Slayer is synonymous with two things: Satan, and Slayer fans. While we’re sure much of Slayer’s fanbase probably would end up going to hell, we’re here to talk about the devil’s number one fans, Kerry King and Co. And although any number of songs from their classic catalog could have made this list, “The Antichrist” is just….a cut above the rest.

Sabbat “The Church Bizarre”

Sabbat’s 1988 masterpiece, “A History of Time to Come” is a bit different from what most bands who praised the dark lord back in the ‘80s were doing. The imagery, atmosphere of the record and most of all, the lyrics, set them apart from the goofy, comic book villainy nature of most of their contemporaries and take a much more “I like, actually disagree with the church” approach. Definitely one you’re sure to “wow” Satan with.

Mercyful Fate “Black Funeral”

“All hail Satan, YES HAIL SATAN”

Venom “In League With Satan”

When you die, you’ll no doubt see Satan sitting on his throne of skulls or whatever, wearing a Venom shirt. Is he vain to wear a shirt with his own face on it? Who cares! Venom is the band that took blasphemy to new heights within heavy metal music and we can’t imagine when he wouldn’t be their biggest fan.

Possessed “Seven Churches”

Although most of the songs featured on this list are in the more “traditional” sense of the genre, it would be hard to write a list of blasphemous songs without mentioning death metal (yeah, death metal) pioneers, Possessed. Sure to have a high spot on the dark lord’s playlist.

Stormwitch “Priest of Evil”

It’s about a priest. An evil priest. An evil priest who spits on every crucifix.

Black Sabbath “Disturbing the Priest”

The fact that this album sounds like it was recorded in some dark hallway in hell, using a black box from a 1970s 747 jetliner adds to its devilishness. Plus the album cover has one of the few pictures of baby Satan known to man. Not their best, but definitely their biggest ode to the big man.

Mercyful Fate “The Oath”

“I WILL KISS THE GOAT”

Witchfynde “Would Not be Seen Dead in Heaven”

This song takes a unique approach to being evil. A “making your little brother walk 10 feet behind you while walking to school so you aren’t embarrassingly seen with him” sort of way. And the results are fantastic.