Every Bright Eyes Album Ranked

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Long before Conor Oberst was known for posing nude on Instagram with Phoebe Bridgers’ guitar resting atop his bare dick, he was the leader of a little-known folk-rock outfit called Bright Eyes. You may remember them as the soundtrack to your most excruciatingly painful breakup, or perhaps as the band you endlessly ridiculed your friends for listening to in high school. Either way, it’s time to grab some tissues and double check that your ex’s number is still blocked as we rank their studio output.

9. A Collection of Songs Written and Recorded 1995-1997 (1998)

Even a bad Bright Eyes album can top a lot of people’s best work. Not this one, though. It’s essentially garbage. We legitimately thought this record was a haphazard compilation of demo recordings, but Wikipedia assured us that it is indeed considered to be the band’s legitimate debut album. If we were to do a ranking of the most unlistenable albums of all time, “A Collection” would certainly hit the top 5. Imagine someone found all of your journal entries from the eighth grade and paired them with all of the half-written songs you have saved in your voice memos. That should give you a pretty good idea of what this record sounds like.

Play It Again: Absolutely not
Skip It: Burn it (like, with fire, not onto a mix CD)

8. Letting Off The Happiness (1998)

Bright Eyes’ sophomore album was released in the same year as their aforementioned debut. Seemingly someone at their former label Saddle Creek finally got around to listening to “A Collection”, vomited profusely, and demanded a proper release out of Oberst and company. “Letting Off the Happiness” was the first Bright Eyes record to be produced by current member Mike Mogis. Bringing Mogis in was a great move on the band’s part considering his contributions lifted Oberst’s half-baked ideas into the territory of actually listenable music. The seeds that would eventually blossom into the band’s signature sound were firmly planted on this album. It would take a few years, however, for Oberst’s incessant tears to properly saturate the soil.

Play It Again: “Touch”
Skip It: “Tereza and Tomas”

7. The People’s Key (2011)

This album proved to be such a disappointment that the band would go AWOL for nine years after its release. Not a bad record, per say, but also not a great one. At the time that was reason enough to mark it as a nearly irreparable fall from grace. “The People’s Key” attempted to return to the sound and style that informed earlier releases like “Digital Ash in a Digital Urn”, but more often sounded like a cheap imitation. Several tracks uncomfortably appropriated Rastafari and it’s even harder to forgive the QAnon-esque monologues of Denny Brewer that permeated the entire album. No amount of Mogis spin could fix those egregious errors. All things considered, “Triple Spiral” still slaps.

Play It Again: “Triple Spiral”
Skip It: Any part where that creepy dude is talking.

6. LIFTED or The Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground (2002)

This album is about as exhausting to listen to as its title is to read. Although the record birthed several fan favorites including “Lover I Don’t Have to Love”, the majority of “Lifted” feels overcooked and desperate to please. Remember that time in college when you really felt like you were pulling off that newsboy cap? Now you only feel regret when you are reminded of that phase. That’s essentially this record’s deal. Much like your dweeby hat, “Lifted” seemed cool at the time, but retrospectively failed to give off the matured look the band was hoping to achieve.

 

Play It Again: “Let’s Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and To Be Loved)”
Skip It: “The Big Picture”

5. Down in the Weeds, Where the World Once Was (2020)

“Down in the Weeds” marked a surprising and triumphant return to form for the Nebraska outfit. Rumor has it that this comeback record was inspired by Phoebe Bridgers advising Oberst to “write a good song for a change”, a suggestion for which she should have received dozens of humanitarian awards. He understood the assignment well and delivered not just one, but twelve of his most memorable works in years.

Play It Again: “To Death’s Heart (In Three Parts)”
Skip It: “Pan and Broom”

 

4. Cassadaga (2007)

Born out of a spiritual and creative awakening for Oberst that produced nearly 30 songs, “Cassadaga” remains one of the group’s strongest albums. Oberst was so relaxed during the sessions that he no longer felt the need to sing like a vibrating goat. This record also gets significant bonus points for featuring original Sleater-Kinney drummer, Janet Weiss, on three of its best tracks. “Cassadaga” only ranks lower here because several of the songs extend well beyond their welcome. We get it, Conor; you love belonging and you hate the government. We don’t need upwards of a thousand verses on nearly every track.

Play It Again: “Soul Singer In A Session Band”
Skip It: “I Must Belong Somewhere”

3. Digital Ash in a Digital Urn (2005)

Released in conjunction with “I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning”, “Digital Ash” granted Bright Eyes an excuse to explore their more electro and distorted side without making the fatal mistake of releasing a double album. The results of this outing deserved the stand-alone designation. Mogis’ production hits such dizzying heights here that, by the record’s end, you won’t even remember that time your date stood you up at Homecoming.

Play It Again: “Take It Easy (Love Nothing)”
Skip It: “Theme to Piñata”

2. I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning (2005)

Name another massively successful album that starts with a shaky one-minute-long ramble of a monologue. Oh, did we mention that track is one of their most popular singles? Seriously, what the fuck is that about? On “Wide Awake”, if Oberst isn’t serving as the soundtrack to every fledgling romance with tracks like “First Day of My Life”, he’s moonlighting as a weirdly horny political activist on cuts like “Land Locked Blues”. What a ride. We recommend spinning this one in the springtime. That way you can point to allergies as the source of your puffy eyes when “Lua” comes on and crushes the living fuck out of you.

Play It Again: Hey, why not? It’s cheaper than therapy.
Skip It: We won’t judge you if “First Day of My Life” is too painful to revisit right now.

1. Fevers and Mirrors (2000)

“Fevers and Mirrors” is an undisputed classic for a reason. To put it simply, this record has everything that makes a Bright Eyes album a Bright Eyes album. Every idea the band would later expand upon exists within its 55 minute runtime. Need a cathartic breakup anthem to snottily scream in your car? “Fevers and Mirrors” easily has about five or six. Not only that, but Todd Fink of the Faint delivers an incredible impression of Oberst in a fake radio interview toward the end of the album. That section alone deserves to rank higher than most of the band’s output. If anyone ever tells you this album isn’t the best one, politely tell them to eat shit and die. Just be sure to turn around before they see the single tear running down your cheek.

Play It Again: You’ll want to if you have two ears and a broken heart.
Skip It: If you skip anything you’ll miss all the cool transitions Mike Mogis put in between the songs.

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Drummer Who Accidentally Dropped Stick During Performance Unable to Make Eye Contact With Anyone Ever Again

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Drummer Brent Englewood of local punk band Crows and Ravens was uncharacteristically dejected after dropping one of his sticks while performing in front of a packed house on Saturday night, multiple cringed sources report.

“I….I…I’m not sure what happened,” a clearly distraught Englewood explained. “The place was packed, the energy was high and the entire crowd was loving every minute of it. Then it happened: I went for a very simple fill during our fourth song and next thing I know, the stick in my dominant hand went hurling across the stage and into the audience. The worst part is that I forgot to bring a backup pair, so I was forced to play the rest of the set with only one stick. I’m strongly considering entering the witness protection program or something to save face.”

Englewood’s girlfriend Mary Stonold noticed an immediate change in his behavior since the incident.

“Our relationship just hasn’t been the same,” Stonold said. “Whenever we go out to dinner, he just does this 1000-yard stare with his head down, directly into his food. I tell him it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and that it happens to a lot of drummers. He even wears drumming gloves 24/7 now ‘just in case.’ I almost got him back from his depression before he accidentally dropped one of his chopsticks while eating sushi last night. He may never return to normal now.”

Music historian Todd Burke noted other musicians who found themselves in embarrassing situations on stage.

“Since its inception, rock and roll has been littered with onstage blunders,” Burke explained. “The standard for embarrassing mishaps was set pretty high in the early days. When Chuck Berry played ‘American Bandstand’ for the first time, he was rip-roaring through his performance up until the minute he did his first duck walk. He went scooting across the stage and all of a sudden, BAM! Blew out a knee right on American TV. His career somehow still took off even after that egregious gaffe.”

At press time, Englewood decided to duct tape his drumsticks to his hands during performances, which helped him maintain full control of them a good 75% of the time.

We Look Back on Billy Joel’s “River of Dreams” Because Dad Picked Me up at the Airport

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

“River of Dreams” was released on August 10, 1993, but The Hard Times is looking back at Billy Joel’s final studio album a few months prior to the 30th anniversary because my dad gave me a ride from the airport.

I got into Westchester Airport on Thursday night for my cousin Trevor’s wedding. In the car, “Big Mike” switched from 1010 WINS to the CD that has lived in the stereos of a 1992 Plymouth Voyager, a 1999 Dodge Caravan, and three Subaru Foresters.

In Billy Joel’s 12th outing, the “Angry Young Man” has reached a bitter, frustrated middle-age, ready to express himself in songs that are meticulously crafted, produced, and truly just fucking awful.

1. No Man’s Land
In the opening track of the quadruple platinum album, Joel attempts a Springsteen-esque rant against consumerism and the suburbs, but comes off like tryhard Huey Lewis yelling “Operator!” to a recorded phone menu. In exchange for getting a ride to this familial obligation, Dad has enlisted me to look at his phone, laptop, and Roku.

2. The Great Wall of China
At the time of recording, Joel filed lawsuits accusing both his lawyer/manager and ex-brother-in-law/manager of ripping him off. This song allegedly addresses these individuals and his subsequent loss of trust in a way that comes out cranky and goofy. To make conversation, my dad mentions that Trevor’s finance is loaded. He trails off repeating, “Must be nice” seven or eight times.

3. Blonde Over Blue
A song by a successful musician about how much he loves his supermodel wife. Yawn. By trying to be the romantic, the working man, the philosopher, and the showman all at once, he misses the mark on all of them. Dad makes sure to mention that Joel used to be married to Christie Brinkley and “Uptown Girl” was about her.

4. A Minor Variation
Another track rumored to be about the former friends who ripped him off. An effort at blues-tinged rock that just comes off as whiny. Also, I learned Mark, from the Hebrew School carpool, has his own escape room now.

5. Shades of Grey
An over-produced philosophical rock jam, which would be at home as a Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen B-side. The song is lyrically overstuffed, much like my boxes in the attic, which apparently I need to “clean out.”

6. All About Soul
This is a more straightforward tune about Christie Brinkley, who I am once again reminded was the subject of “Uptown Girl.” It’s probably the best song on the album, but again, a guy in his Hamptons mansion belting out an 11 o’clock number about his devotion to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Cover Model. And that Long Island choirboy singing about his version of “soul” backed by Color Me Badd was gross back then, radioactive now.

7. Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
The album’s tone switches from impotent rage to enthusiastic expressions of faith. A very pretty song, but to borrow a joke structure from the era, “I liked it better when it was called ‘Golden Slumbers.’” Better to rip off the Beatles than another ham-fisted attempt at black music. I asked my Dad if ever sang me a lullaby. He snorted and said that was my mother’s job. Then I asked if he ever changed a diaper, he said it was a different time, jackass.

8. The River of Dreams
The title track hit number three on the singles charts, but it sounds and feels uncomfortable and forced. It’s a gospel “homage” which is just white musician for “appropriation.” To break the tension, Dad tells me that Uncle Sean used to sleepwalk when drunk and piss everywhere.

9. Two Thousand Years
This is a filler song on a filler album, employing ambiguous Christian imagery, unconvincingly trying to convince himself to have faith. One gets the feeling the writing of the song was sensitive and sincere, but somehow in recording it comes out canned, shallow, and cheesy.

10. Famous Last Words
A stumbling meta song, with lyrics about this being the last thing he’ll write mashed up with a clumsy metaphor comparing the end of summer to reaching middle age. It’s a footnote and will just be remembered solely for being his last studio record, but in a 60-year career, does that matter? “River of Dreams” debuted at number one and stayed for three weeks and earned a Grammy nomination for Album of the Year. It doesn’t seem like he sold out, maybe he just is that corny, shallow, and mediocre, which makes him a true boomer icon.

1. No Man’s Land
We hit some traffic on the way to Poughkeepsie, so the album repeated and we barely talked, aside from mentioning that they made a TV version of “True Lies” and that “Uptown Girl” was indeed about “Christie Brinkley.”

Kirk Hammett Fears it May be Too Late to Rejoin Exodus

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — Thrash metal legend and rhythm guitarist for Metallica Kirk Hammett admitted he has serious doubts that he’ll ever be able to rejoin Exodus, the band he created 44 years ago, several sources hidden behind their lawyers exclaimed.

“The last couple of decades with Metallica have been fun and everything, but after reading the comments online about our new record, I’m starting to feel like maybe leaving Exodus was a mistake,” Hammet said while being surrounded by several large bags of money. “The millions and millions and millions of dollars I’ve made with Metallica is great and all, but I really only do it to fund my monster movie memorabilia collecting habit. I just want to go back to making kickass thrash metal again, and I don’t think Lars and James would be all that into that idea.”

Current lead singer of Exodus Steve Souza weighed in on the idea of having Hammit rejoin the band.

“I personally feel like if it were 10 or maybe even 20 years since leaving the band we could make it work, but 40 plus years simply isn’t feasible, “Souza explained. “I think it’s great Metallica is trying to make an honest effort to maintain some credibility within the genre as well. Of course it’s not as good as Exodus’ new stuff, but Kirk should be happy where he is. Plus unlike Exodus, they have a repertoire of crappy songs people seem to love and will pay hundreds of dollars to see played live. Might as well live that out until retirement.”

Carl “Fastkill” Jackson, a thrash metal expert and creator of the webzine, “Pit Circus,” uses modern AI technology to see what it would’ve been like had Kirk never left Exodus in the first place.

“According to the data presented, had Kirk never left Exodus to join Metallica, the outcomes of both bands would obviously be very different than they are today,” Fastkill stated. “One big difference on the Exodus timeline is about 1996 or so. There, we see Kirk clearly cosplaying as Chris Cornell, and a buzz-cut Gary Holt rocking a goatee and chain wallet. Sure, Exodus is making millions of dollars at this time, but they’re clearly fuckin’ posers.”

At press time, Kirk Hammett was spotted feverishly practicing the riffs for “Piranha” in the Metallica jam space.

Every Dead Kennedys Album Ranked

Posted on by James Knapp

Look, if you know anything about the Dead Kennedys then nothing in this ranking will surprise you, so let’s make things interesting. I’ll list the albums in their proper order of quality, the way our lord and savior Jesus Christ intended, and instead of reviewing the album I’ll describe the affiliated lawsuit each album incurred. Sound good? No? Well fuck you, I’m doing it anyway.

4. Bedtime for Democracy (1986)

“Bedtime for Democracy” is the best effort in giving up that the band could muster at the time. Which is why the court case most closely associated with the album was actually a simple slip and fall case in which frontman Jello Biafra, fully racked up with a neck brace and only one crutch, hobbled out of the studio on the last day of recording. The singer claims to have tripped over a slice of loose carpeting in the booth, and that’s why this album blows.

Play it again: “Take This Job and Shove It”
Skip it: “Fleshdunce”

3. Frankenchrist. (1985)

Alright, alright, we all know about the penis lawsuit. The PMRC shit their collective khakis over the “Frankenchrist” album art. But did you know that the band was later sued again over the dick poster, this time by Tipper Gore alone. Apparently she eventually grew quite fond of the boner cavalcade after many a late night studying it over and over again at PMRC headquarters, and decided to sue the band again for, as it states in the court transcript, “opening [her] eyes to a bright and frightening world of sexual possibilities [she] never would have known otherwise.” In this context, it really adds new meaning to the lyric “invasion of the beef patrol.”

Play it again: “M.T.V. – Get of the Air”
Skip it: “Goons of Hazard”

2. Plastic Surgery Disasters (1982)

This runner-up of a record saw the band gettin dragged to court by the Peace Corps of all fucking things. This was because at the time recently passed legislation required all publicly distributed images of horrific global conflicts, famine and humanitarian disasters were required by law to be accompanied by an official Peace Corps “But We Tried” sticker. It’s unclear whether the band did not include this sticker as a protest or if someone at Alternative Tentacles just kinda forgot to throw it on there.

Play it again: “Moon Over Marin”
Skip it: “Winnebago Warrior”

1. Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables (1980)

“Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables” has all of DK’s best stuff. “Kill the Poor,” “Let’s Lynch the Landlord,” “California uber Alles,” fucking “Holiday In Cambodia” – it’s all there. What’s also there is the class action suit that was filed by Chiquita for defamation. The banana juggernaut claimed the band was slandering the quality of their produce “gratuitously and consistently.” Frankly we have no idea where they got that impression, but still, a judge found in favor of Chiquita and forced the band to pay out $479 million dollars for hurting the multi-billion dollar corporation’s feelings.

Play it again: “Kill the Poor”
Skip it: “Funland at the Beach”

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10 Best Grunge Bands That Aren’t Nirvana So You Can Identify Posers Who Claim to Love the ‘90s

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Back when we were a proper country, rock stars were real men who wore spandex, fetish gear, and more hairspray than a Jersey housewife. Thankfully, a little band called Nirvana came along and their grunge sound put an end to whatever the hell those other jagoffs were supposed to be.

While Nirvana was at the forefront and continues to be the standard bearer of the genre, it was more than just them. There was a diverse array of bands whose legions of impersonators continue to audibly torture us to this day. Here are ten of them:

Punk Avoids Paying Taxes for Sixth Straight Year by Not Knowing How to File

Posted on by Rob Ryder

FREDERICK, Md. – Local Punk Jake Mitchell avoided paying any federal or state taxes for the sixth straight year simply by failing to acquire even the slightest bit of knowledge of how to do so, confirmed multiple sources wondering if they could do the same.

“Once I was on my own I knew that it was something people do every year. I took one step into H&R Block and they’re coming at me with, ‘do you have all your paperwork?’ ‘do you have your I48983 form’ and ‘you can’t bring a pet rat into this office,’ it was just straight harassment,” said Mitchell. “My brother turned me onto Tubrotax, but no shit, he gave me a CD. Who the fuck has a CD drive anymore? When I worked at the Mini-Mart I remember them giving me a W2. I felt like it was all written in Latin or something. I haven’t seen that much useless information since I read the liner notes of a Blink-182 album.”

Mitchell’s older brother David has heard about his brother’s tax troubles and even sympathizes with him in some way.

“Honestly, it should be pretty easy for him. I think he only made like $750 last year. He had like four jobs but he would get fired from each one after about a week,” said the elder Mitchell from his office where he specializes in real estate law. “He doesn’t have any bank accounts or any possessions of value. Even his supposed career managing bands doesn’t really change anything. What’s he gonna do, write off the cost of a Vandals T-Shirt and a few cans of PBR?”

IRS Agent Sandra Lewis says she is familiar with Mitchell’s delinquency and has been following his case for the past three years.

“Yes, we are well aware of his tax evasion. We don’t have the resources to go after large corporations cheating the system, but we have an abundance of agents ready to track down low-income tax cheats. Our system uses a sophisticated algorithm to not only find, but track these criminals as they move around,” said Lewis. “He’s good, he’s real good. Changing his address every few months, keeping his income off the books, going by various aliases like Skunk, Cucumber, and Bigfoot, he doesn’t even own a car! It seems like a crazy life, but that’s what you gotta do to stay ahead of the law.”

At press time, the IRS doubled its resources into the investigation of Mitchell after further details revealed he owes the federal government $47.

We Sat Down With a Straight Edge Doom Metal Fan to Figure Out His Deal

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Most doom metal fans love weed so when we saw a guy with X’s tattooed on his hands drinking Shirley Temples at the bar before an Electric Wizard show, we had to sit down with him and figure out his deal.

Lucky for us, 25-year-old straight edge doom metal fan Dave Shepherd was eager to chat about how he manages to listen to “Dopethrone” and “Dopesmoker” without smoking dope.

The Hard Times: Hey man, cool tats. Are you straight edge by any chance?
Dave Shepherd: You know it! I’m probably the only straight edge person here but I don’t give a shit. Someone’s gotta be the designated driver and I’m the only one who isn’t fucked up tonight.

Oh, so you’re not that into the band then?
No way, I’ve been waiting ages to see Electric Wizard! I’ll admit that I didn’t know all the words to “Funeralopolis” the first time I saw them, but their performance was an experience unlike any other. I felt like I was floating on a cloud of darkness above an evil castle. God, their set ruled.

That sounds really trippy. Are you sure you’re straight edge?
Sure as hell! I’m actually allergic to weed so my eyes got all red half an hour into the show. I ended up going to the back of the crowd to get away from the smell. Normally I try to get as close to the barricade as possible but I have to be careful not to break edge at doom shows.

So going to doom shows isn’t an edge break, but being too close to the front is?
Most straight edge elders say you can see as many shows as you want as long as you never inhale. Using protection also helps. I wore a gas mask to Sleep’s 4/20 show last year and had a great time. I actually got that idea from the straight edge guys on the “Dopesmoker” album cover.

The straight edge guys?
They wear cloaks to keep their X tattoos out of the sun and gas masks to prevent themselves from inhaling smoke in the riff-filled land. If that’s not edge, I don’t know what is.

10 Biggest Sellouts From Back When People Cared About Stuff Like That

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Thanks to platforms like social media and YouTube, selling out isn’t really a thing anymore. But back in the days when record companies had a stranglehold on all large-scale music distribution platforms, some artists would actively change their sound after signing to a major label. This caused many artists to be labeled “sellouts,” sometimes even before they released any new music. Here are 10 “sellouts” from back in the day when people actually cared about stuff like that.

Man Fails to Hide Anal Cunt Poster in Background of Work Call

Posted on by Charles Bill

BETHESDA, Md. – Local accountant Peter Wombach reportedly failed to successfully hide a signed Anal Cunt poster in the background of a work Zoom call, sources already in conversation with HR report.

“About 15 minutes into the meeting I realized I didn’t cover my Anal Cunt poster with my ‘I’m With Her’ campaign poster from 2016 and I had to get creative,” said Wombach while grinning maniacally. “Framing a Zoom call is an art, and I am Michelangelo. I have a map to my right, so people think I like maps and nerd shit like that. To my left is a picture of my dog in case I need to start a conversation, and above me is my Anal Cunt poster. I got it signed after Seth Putnam fucked my girlfriend in Reykjavik and he felt bad about it. It’s only barely out of view, so it feels kinda dirty to have it like, right there. And even if someone saw it, no one knows what it is but me due to the borderline illegible font. What a thrill.”

Other members of Wombach’s firm were not as confident in the poster’s subtlety.

“The words ‘anal cunt’ were directly above his head, almost like a title,” said irritated manager Sandra Tyler. “We kept trying to call him out on it, but he constantly deflected, thinking that we were talking about his maps or his ugly greyhound. I told him to examine his framing, but he told me that he would circle back with me offline, and there’s really no comeback to that. I’ll talk to him later about what’s appropriate on Zoom calls, and why Dying Fetus is so much better than his dogshit taste.”

Anal Cunt’s public relations team have recently started using this incident as a lesson in Zoom etiquette.

“You need to be careful, because most corpo-drones are fucking pussies,” said publicist Reggie Ryan. “Show up for Zoom calls early, dress well, and never visibly cut yourself with razor blades unless you’re sure everyone is cool with it. Try to cover up your badass posters with wussy shit like Radiohead. That will let your coworkers feel cool about their music taste and distract them from the fact that you’re naked from the waist down.”

At press time, Wombach was called into a meeting about his performance, and forgot to hide the vial of GG Allin’s semen he bought on eBay.