PUEBLO, Colo. — Local man Trigg Barrett hoped that the Diarrhea Planet t-shirt he put on would distract his girlfriend’s parents from his more offensive Goatwhore tattoo, according to sources frightened by his taste in music.
“This is gonna work, I’m so fucking smart!” stated a confident Barrett. “Jess’s parents just stopped by unannounced which barely gave me enough time to hide my Goatwhore tat. They’re super conservative so if they saw it they’d probably think I worshipped Satan and would pressure her to dump me again. Luckily I was able to quickly dig out my Diarrhea Planet shirt from my pile of dirty clothes I always keep in the middle of the room. I figure everyone shits, even devout Christians, so maybe this could be a cool convo starter.”
Barrett’s girlfriend Jess Arbach questioned his approach with her parents.
“No, his stupid diarrhea shirt didn’t distract from anything, it just made them hate him even more,” said an angry Arbach. “When I said he needed to cover up his ink I meant with a nice oxford shirt, not with a sweat-stained tee with a disgusting band name on it. Sure, the shirt successfully distracted my parents from the Goatwhore tattoo temporarily but they had 10 times more questions than if he just would’ve just put on a cardigan or something. I think I’m gonna have to break it off with this guy, not because of my parents, but because I can’t take him anywhere.”
Music sociologist Lawrence Capella explained that people who follow bands with offensive names should be wary of sharing their passion with the general public.
“Music fans need to realize that most people are pretty mainstream,” pontificated Capella. “Just because you’re comfortable with bringing your Dying Fetus CD to your cousin’s baby shower doesn’t mean anyone else will be. Read the room, and at the very least hide some of your merch next time your grandma comes to visit. She may have survived WW2, but she might not make it out alive after catching a glimpse of your Anal Cunt wall art.”
At press time, Barrett was lighting up a spliff to distract from the cocaine he left on the coffee table.