BRICK TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local punk Andy Chambers was seen shaking his head in frustration after a Costco employee marked his receipt without so much as glancing at the items in his shopping cart, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.
“I’ve been ripping off this store for a long time,” said 38-year-old Chambers, who clarified that he was referring to the Costco location in his hometown and had technically not shoplifted since moving to Brick Township over a decade ago. “Me and my buddies used to say we were coming in to buy hot dogs at the food court — you can do that without a membership — and leave with our pockets stuffed with bulk bags of candy. I might be a little older now, but I’m still that kid, and deserve to be treated as such. If it weren’t for my bad back, I’d carry this brand new TV in my cart up to the roof of my house and throw it off. Then I would exchange it for a brand new one, thanks to Costco’s incredible return policy.”
Brad Emken, the employee who had checked off Chambers’s receipt, said that he didn’t intend any offense.
“The guy was wearing a cardigan and the Vans only old dudes own,” said Emken, who reported that he goes to plenty of local shows and has never seen Chambers at any. “I don’t like to profile, but he wasn’t exactly setting off my internal alarms. We’ve got a lot of customers coming through the store, and I’ve gotta focus on the ones who look like they’re trying to sneak off with an extra package of toilet paper.”
The store’s manager, Matthew Sullivan, stated that he listens to all customer complaints and was taking the situation seriously.
“Mr. Chambers has been a member in good standing for nearly twelve years,” said Sullivan. “We endeavor to treat our customers right. I will personally create a performance improvement plan for the employee in question, and send a memo to all staff to remind them that Mr. Chambers is to be treated with the scrutiny he feels he deserves. I am prepared to call the authorities on him, if that’s the customer experience he wants.”
At press time, Chambers was seen calling a Costco employee over to the self-checkout register for assistance after the scanner failed to read his 72-count box of Starbucks K-Cups.