Every Touchè Amorè Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Robert Butler

One of the more memorable bands to have come from the 2010s (even though they started just prior to 2010, but whatever.) is Touchè Amorè. They’re also one of the most annoying band names to type, so I’ll keep that to a minimum. Furthermore, the name is also difficult to get the pronunciation right. For me personally I didn’t get it right until 2019. I’ve been pronouncing it wrong longer than I’ve been pronouncing it correctly. I’m not even going to clarify the correct way to say it aloud, I’ll let you go out the same way I did on that for 8 or 9 years.

With that out of the way we can get into the reason you are here, the undeniably correct rankings of Touchè Amorè’s catalog – note this is just the official full-lengths in this list, not including any splits, singles, etc.

5. Is Survived By…(2013)

Why hello there “Loveless” inspired album art, we see you there. The blue is kinda cute. Kinda sets the tone even at a glance there. That’s right, you’re in for a fair amount of delay on the guitar with this one. It’s still a good album by all means, it’s just a lot like the album that came before it. Seemingly more of a focus on sweet jingly reverbed guitar and more of a dive towards the shoegaze side of the pool. Which makes sense because when this came out you were probably still listening to a lot of Title Fight and there was a bit of that going around back then. For a third album, they’ve at least shown consistency.

Play It Again: “Anyone/Anything”
Skip It: “Non Fiction”

4. To The Beat Of A Dead Horse/ Dead Horse X (2009/2019)

This one kinda breaks the rules, but not really. “Dead Horse” was the band’s first full-length debut back in the ancient days of 2009 when you were starting to realize you didn’t quite fit into your tight pants anymore. In the more recent but still distant past of 2019, the band decided to give the album one big birthday party and re-recorded the entire thing and called it “Dead Horse X.” It’s kinda like when they remastered the first few Resident Evil games, really. This album is pretty cool, even if the smell of debut full-length clings to it. The bass is way more thumpy and prominent than anything else they’ve released, so that really stands out about it overall. Besides that, you can really tell the seeds of something cool are planted, but there’s still something missing. (The secret ingredient is that special shoegazey sauce becoming spicier on everything else they do.)

Play It Again: “Throwing Copper”
Skip It: “Suckerfish”

3. Stage Four (2016)

Do you ever get this feeling like you want to be helpful to someone? Like you’d rather be the shoulder to cry on for a change and be that person for someone? Well here’s a real treat of an album for you. Next time that feeling hits you don’t bother reaching out to see if everyone is okay or if anyone needs to talk. Everyone is fine. But right now you need to sit down and listen to everything the lead singer of Touchè Amorè has to get out. It’s gonna get intense at times, but it’s okay – you’ve got this. Luckily you’re there for him and everything is going to be okay. This album is particularly filled with the saddies, so I don’t recommend playing it at parties or near any kind of vulnerable person. But on top of all that, how about some post-rock vibes, huh? That makes it a lot easier to process the painful gut-punching lyrics being shouted at you and taking the air out of your lungs.

Play It Again: “New Halloween”
Skip It: “Skyscraper”

Honorable Mention: 10 Years / 1000 Shows: Live at the Regent Theater (2018)

This is the only one of these I’ll bother doing. Simply because part of what makes this band is their live show. They don’t hold back ever, all gas – no brakes. So might as well stick this in there because as far as live albums go, this is as good as the next good one. There are a lot of people on this recording who like to show off that they know all the words. They sound like they’re having fun, you’ll have about a 1/8th of the amount of fun they seem to be having by listening to this record.

2. Lament (2020)

More of anything? How about just more of everything? The most recent release from this band is quite the showcase of every tool in their belt. A lot of work went into this one, and it shows when you hear all 7 minutes of “Limelight” and crash right into that wall of sound. Not many albums out there have this many hooks you’ll involuntarily sing along to with a bubble in your throat while getting all teary-eyed. It’s real, it’s relatable, the guitar work is best described with a chef’s kiss. Upon first listen it might catch you completely off guard, strap you down to the arms of a chair and give you one big shot in the arm – OF EMOTION. I imagine since this one was released, pits at their shows have a fair amount of sobbing and everyone’s bottom lip is doing the quivering thing with tears in their eyes.

Play It Again: “Limelight”
Skip It: “Savoring”

1. Parting The Sea Between Brightness And Me (2011)

The second full length seems to be where the band collectively had some sort of “a-ha!” Or “eureka” moment and really figured things out. The opening track with a title being a weird little symbol “~” just jumps out at you from around the corner with an obnoxious “HEY, CHECK OUT THIS DOUBLE KICK!” And we all fall for it every time. Wanna clap? Well, you’re gonna. It’s there, and it works. If you’re looking for that sweet spot of sounding sad and angry, you’ll find it here. There was a lot of tough guy stuff coming out around this time, PTSBBAM really stood out because it’s more or less the opposite of that. To say there’s a lack of chest-thumping mentality here is an understatement. If nostalgia plays any factor, you’ll hear this and go back to the olden days of owning an iPhone 4. All of Touchè’s albums are individually great, but this one earns the badge of “Instant Classic”.

Play It Again: “Pathfinder”
Skip It: “Crutch”

Top 10 Songs by Atom & His Package You Can Listen to Instead of Going to See “Oppenheimer”

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Jeff Bender

Adam Goren’s one-man band Atom & His Package played its last show in 2003 after a diagnosis of type-1 diabetes forced Goren offstage toward a growing family and what he’s called “Plan A”: a job teaching high-school science. (He holds an M.Ed. from Penn.) What can be said of his cut-short career in pop-punk? Atom was brilliant, as sarcastic as he was kind, as blistering as he was sweet. If you vaguely antagonized this underdog, he went after you with all his teeth. If he loved you, he went after you too. Sure, some science snuck into his songs, as in “(Lord It’s Hard to Be Happy When You’re Not) Using the Metric System.” But the real magic of Atom & His Package is how this “science guy” wrote such artful lyrics and compositions. Here are his ten best.

10. “Punk Rock Academy”

Okay. Before you crucify me for putting “PRA” at number ten, allow me to say this song barely made the list. Yes, if you went to see Atom live, you’d want it to be the last song (as it is on the 2004 live album “Hair: Debatable”). And yes, he played out comedian Chris Gethard’s eponymous show with it in 2017. But I really think Atom has written better songs. Nine of them, in fact.

9. “Goalie” by The Zambonis (feat. Atom & His Package)

It’s a little startling to hear Atom backed by a real band, but it’s great too. The track features kid vocalists and interstitial making-of footage. Atom, a full-fledged dad at this point, sings lead and seems joyfully at peace with the stadium claps and wall-of-sound backing vocals. A jock-jam by Atom & His Package? Correct.

8. “Undercover Funny”

A “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode in song form: The singer’s disappointed that his coworker is “only funny when I’m not around.” It’s a really good poppy start to the band if you’re looking to get in. But be careful: You’ll find the lyrics on repeat in your head when you get up to pee at night.

6. “For Aliza Whenever She May Sleep”

A friend once told me this song is about Atom’s sister, Aliza, who was in medical school at the time. It’s a sort of prayer for her health and a stealthy rebuke of the med-school system: “Rite of passage / Healthwise amazing / Educational shroud hides amounted hazing.”

5. “Atari Track and Field / New Controller Conspiracy”

What a wonderfully odd pairing. The “Atari” intro resembles Madonna’s “Open Your Heart,” which Atom will “polka” later in the album. And like a lot of Atom’s music, “New Controller Conspiracy” trades violence and tenderness. Toward the end, a female voice appears seemingly out of nowhere:

What do you think is in store for us?
Is it living room furniture terminus?
I think that’s ninety-five percent acceptable and okay.

Yes, the guy can write, absolutely. At the same time he seems to be tempting mis- or self-interpretation. How many of us, in the chorus, hear “laughed at you” instead of “left that room”? And how “acceptable” would Atom find the error? Ninety-five percent?

4. “If You Own the Washington Redskins You’re a Cock”

Who would have guessed a Y2K punk singer could have forecasted the demise of Redskins-Commanders owner Dan Snyder? The song generally addresses the dehumanizing of racial groups — specifically within what Atom calls “Native American nicknamed teams,” which he rhymes with “awful and mean.”

3. “Upside Down from Here”

The voice from “New Controller Conspiracy” is back — singing the entire opening verse. It turns out to be Goren’s sister, Aliza (remember Aliza?): “North is not up and East is not right / Except for Milwaukee Wisconsin that night.” What the hell happened in Milwaukee? What is Atom saying about geography and physics? Unclear. Doesn’t matter. Great song.

2. “I’m Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy with Just a Hammer”

This is maybe Atom’s best song, lyrically, and maybe his best song ever. It glides through a litany of concrete objects and proper nouns, which few songwriters, Craig Finn aside, can really pull off. Like so many of Atom’s songs, it’s about the coexistence of love and physical destruction. He wants to love you. He wants to break things too.

1. “Does Anyone Else in This Room Want to Marry His or Her Own Grandmother?”

The sweetest punk song ever. You’ll love it. Your kids will love it. It’s about, well, the singer proposing marriage to his grandma — wait — because her husband died: “It breaks my heart to see you alone / Grandma, let’s elope.” Here we get Atom’s lyrical power on full display:

I’ll pay the bills, we’ll cross the words and watch Murdoch
We’ll dine on the samples at the grocery store
We’ll find a place and paint this whole town purple
Purple-ize the walls and purple-ize the floor

Sins of Omission:

“Mustache T.V.”: Instructions for Scotch-taping a mustache to your TV screen and watching it settle onto people’s faces.

“Hats Off to Halford”: A tribute to Judas Priest’s openly badass frontman Rob Halford.

“Trump”: Listen to Atom’s delightfully condescending whisper during a conjured game of Tripoli: “I see your bad hand.”

In 2021, Goren teamed up with his childhood friend Brian Sokel to release a self-titled album “Dead Best.” Their follow-up is due out this winter.

Photo by Markbellis

Plane Crash Survivor on Desert Island Shocked to Find His Five Favorite Albums Are There

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Jessica Lillian

UNINCORPORATED TERRITORY SOMEWHERE IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN — Plane crash survivor and avid music fan Chris Ackerman was pleasantly surprised to see his top five albums nestled in the remote palm tree grove where his Australia-bound Boeing 767 had exploded into flames, blood-spurting fellow passengers report.

“Oh sweet, they’re all here!” Ackerman confirmed, hopping across the sand on his severely wounded leg to flip through the top albums he had mentally picked out years ago. “I always went back and forth on ‘Nevermind’ vs. ‘In Utero.’ I felt a little weird about the 20th anniversary deluxe edition. But all those demos and bonus tracks are going to be clutch here because my phone got incinerated, so I don’t have Spotify or anything. Or food. Or a tourniquet. Or a record player, now that I think about it. Guess I’m just supposed to just look at these album covers and imagine what they sound like.”

Non-audiophile survivors on the island were confused by Ackerman’s ill-timed music discussion.

“We’re thousands of miles from civilization, we need water and medical care, and frankly we’re all going to die soon,” said fellow passenger Kara Montevarchi. “But this guy won’t shut up about how The Clash’s self-titled debut is superior to ‘London Calling’ and how amazing that the years he spent deciding on his ‘five desert island albums’ finally paid off. Did he get brain damage when the plane lost oxygen or something? Or is he just one of those insufferable music weirdos who will eventually die of dehydration one way or another? I need to go lie down.”

Music anthropologist Warren De Witt explained that “five desert island albums” may oftentimes appear mysteriously when island-bound disaster strikes.

“It’s true. We’ve seen it happen a few times now,” De Witt said. “You wind up on a desert island for whatever reason, and as long as you still have a heartbeat and ears and you picked out those five albums at some point, you’ll see them all there. Usually they’ll be in the preferred audio format, too. That’s why it’s so important to keep your top five mentally updated. We found a case where someone hadn’t thought about her desert island discs since middle school, and she wound up stuck with Smash Mouth and a few ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CDs 15 years later after a sailing accident. Tragic. And then she died, too.”

At press time, Ackerman had passed out from excitement and critical blood loss, prompting others to attempt to revive him by smacking him with a stack of liner notes.

All Dogs Go to Heaven: How To Exploit That Loophole by Impersonating a Dachshund at All Times

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

Dogs aren’t just man’s best friend: canines are the Almighty’s most favored species by a goddamn mile. Alone among all created beings, dogs have been assured that each member of their slobbery kind will enter the gates of Heaven, no questions asked. Pretty good deal for a group that already gets to sniff crotches in public, if you ask us!

But we’re not here to debate whether all dogs should go to Heaven or if some deserve to roast in the depths of Hell, eternally distant from the ecstasy of proximity to God’s presence. Instead, we’re here to give you tips on how to live as a dachshund, so when death calls you to reckon for the many grotesque sins you crave, you’ll be a shoo-in to humping angel legs in Heaven!

DO: Stay Low to the Ground, Always: This might be intuitive, but in order to convince God that you’re actually a dog and that your life of disgusting hedonism should have no consequences, you have to get on all fours, all the time, like a short-legged little wiener dog. It might be difficult at first, but do you really want to rot in Hell, especially after that shit you pulled in Vegas?

DO: Purchase High-Quality Artificial Ears: One of the most distinctive things about the dachshund breed is their floppy “drop” ears, which protect them from getting dirt and debris stuck in there. Acquiring a pair of high-quality ears (preferably made from actual fur) is a must, especially if you are always getting any number of bodily fluids in your ear canal. Because of weird sex stuff.

DON’T: Accidentally Speak, Always Bark In German: One thing you must never do is accidentally speak like the human full of sin that you actually are. Always bark with the distinct Teutonic tonality that we all expect from dachshunds. You will likely find it helpful to hook up with a German puppy play polycule to get used to this, especially if you want to pass through the Pearly Gates while also committing rampant tax fraud.

DO: If You See A Badger, Fuck It Up: Dachshunds were originally bred to flush out badgers from their subterranean dens, hence their distinctive narrow body shape. In order to keep up the canine charade and escape eternal damnation for your wallowing in every perversion imaginable (we know about the ice cream), you’re going to need to bite some badgers to death.

DO: Have Ridiculously Soulful, Pleading Eyes: Everyone knows dachshunds have those big ol’ sad eyes that make you want to give them anything, from a puppy treat to unquestioned admission to eternity in paradise! Make sure you’ve got some of those.

DON’T: Make A Deal With Satan: At a certain point, keeping up the lifestyle of a dachshund is going to be tough, but don’t give in and make a quick deal with Satan Himself. It just doesn’t ever work out. Stick with the dog thing.

What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

Friedrich Nietzsche once said that “Without music, life would be a mistake.” Reportedly, he uttered that famous quote years before he could see your Spotify playlist and retract the statement. We tend to believe in the power of learning from the error of our ways here, and we’d like to pass this knowledge along to you. With our help, your horrid musical taste of today can be drastically transformed into your passable-at-best musical taste of tomorrow. Take notes as we look at some of the freshest tracks to grace our ears this week, as well as a few classics approaching some notable anniversaries.

King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard “Gila Monster”

King Gizz and The Liz Wiz have just released what we’re pretty sure is their millionth record after a notably long eight-month dry spell. To make up for not releasing a new album every week this year, the band has filled this one to the brim with menacing guitar fuckery a la White Zombie. Metalheads are sure to fucking love it, and zoologists across the world will be thrilled to hear how much the guitar riff in the intro of “Gila Monster” evokes the image of the namesake’s reptilian tongue.

No Pressure “Say What You Mean”

Here at The Hard Times, we’ve always believed that Pop-Punk would never die. Now that legions of TikTok users have deemed it acceptable to enjoy the genre, we’re no longer afraid to admit it. Los Angeles’ No Pressure has been churning out hit after hit since their debut EP dropped in 2020. Their latest single, ‘Say What You Mean,’ is no exception. There is no shortage of hooks and Warped Tour nostalgia within its two-and-a-half-minute runtime, making it the perfect way to escape reality and feel fleeting moments of youth again on your lunch break.

boygenius “Stay Down, Man (Dan Reeder Cover)”

boygenius recently took a break from their massively successful tour to serenade satellite radio listeners with a rendition of Dan Reeder’s ‘Stay Down, Man.’ It’s a harrowing and beautiful cover complete with the boys’ trademark three-part harmonies. You might be thinking to yourself, ‘who the fuck listens to satellite radio?’ Fortunately for us, SiriusXM is aware that almost no one uses their services and has put the entire session up on YouTube so cheapskates like us can enjoy the track too. Grab a pillow to muffle your cries and sink into the dulcet tones featured on this track.

Faye Webster “But Not Kiss”

Indie wunderkind, Faye Webster, has been dazzling audiences nationwide since her amazing eponymous debut in 2017. Since then, she has released two critically acclaimed full-lengths and an EP featuring orchestral arrangements of her already classic catalog. After a short rest, Webster is back with her most arresting single to date, ‘But Not Kiss.’ If you’re making a playlist for your crush but don’t want to seem too eager or forthright, this track is basically designed to confuse the absolute shit out of prospective partners. Confoundment aside, they’ll probably appreciate your niche, yet expansive, musical palette.

Sigur Rós “Gold”

After a ten-year bout of silence, Sigur Rós have surprised the fuck out of everyone with the sudden drop of their new full-length ‘ÁTTA.’ Our in-house Hopelandic expert tells us that the new release displays a more introspective side of the band, marking a departure from their scathing diss tracks of the past. Lush orchestration atop minimal arrangements gives the album a somewhat understated feeling without sacrificing the anthemic power for which the group is known. Though the cherub-like vocals on tracks like ‘Gold’ might give listeners images of idyllic underpinnings, a quick translation reveals that ‘we all die, anyway.’ Yeesh.

Time continues to march on relentlessly, marking moment after meaningless moment of humanity’s banal existence. Just the thought of another year going by is enough to drive even the strongest mind to the brink of utter insanity… But hey, at least there are classic records to soothe our troubled souls. Here are a few of our favorite songs that are reaching significant calendar milestones this year.

Blink-182 “I Miss You”

None of us could score tickets to the Blink-182 tour this year, but fortunately we have their studio output to tide us over. In less than four months we’ll be celebrating the 20th anniversary of their 2003 self-titled masterwork. This means we’ll also be honoring two decades of doing our best Tom DeLonge impression in the chorus of ‘I Miss You.’ This song still feels so modern that you might not be able to comprehend such an anniversary, but try not to let it get to your ‘ead.

Refused “New Noise”

Holy fucking shit, ‘The Shape of Punk To Come’ is almost twenty-five years old, and we’ve been playing it like it came out yesterday. It’s hard to fathom what the true Shape of Punk would be today without this record. Refused broke up shortly after the album was released, and in just two years, we’ll be celebrating a decade of them ruining that legendary move by reuniting and putting out a much shittier record. We’ll always have the memories, though. Be sure to add this into your rotation if you want the attendees of your next party to think you’re not a fucking sell-out.

Iron Chic “Spooky Action At A Distance”

Notably ahead of its time, Iron Chic’s ‘The Constant One’ celebrated its tenth anniversary at the top of the year. Overlooked and underrated, it’s possible you’ve never heard of them and we’re totally not judging you at all for that, you fucking nerd. Now that the electronic-infused emo sound that the band helped propel is quickly garnering favor in the trendy halls of social media, you can easily pretend to be an elder statesman by saying you’ve liked this excellent cut since the day it came out. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you read it here. For all we or anyone else knows, you’ve always had a mind of your own and excellent taste to match.

boygenius Tour on Hiatus After Julien Baker Goes on Arm Wrestling Streak at Truck Stop

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Ben Friedman

HAMEL, Ill. — Indie supergroup boygenius announced their North American tour is on hold after Julien Baker found herself in an unstoppable arm wrestling streak during a layover at a Pilot truck stop, confirmed multiple bearded sources.

“I was just trying to buy some fucking chips, and this gross asshole behind me makes a comment if my ‘hard work’ tattoo applied to making sandwiches. I don’t know what came over me but I knew that I had to destroy this man. I said I’d do it if he could beat me in arm wrestling, and that was three days and 25 of his little trucker friends ago,” said Baker between opponents. “Doing this tour with my best friends is important for me and the fans, but humbling misogynistic hicks is what I need to be doing right now. You can’t imagine the staggering power you feel pinning a guy with 16-inch biceps and a shirt that says ‘If you can read this the bitch fell off.’”

While Baker’s win streak was quickly becoming something of a folk legend, the band’s tour manager was desperate to get the tour back on track.

“We were supposed to be in Chicago yesterday, and now I’ve had to postpone that show and four more. I thought Lucy and Phoebe would want to get the show on the road too but they’ve been hyping Julien up and egging on more opponents. At this rate we may as well cancel all the European dates unless I can find a fight promoter,” said tour coordinator Trevor Falk. “Fucking look at her, there’s no fear in her eyes and no fatigue in her arms. If these rednecks don’t swallow their pride and just walk away, this tour will be a financial disaster.”

Truck stop owner Herschel Clemmens was impressed by Baker’s athleticism even compared to other artists who’ve passed through.

“They say legends are made on the road, and this young lady is a regular Annie Oakley. Truth is though many women singers have passed through our small town on the way to Chicago and shellacked unsuspecting locals,” said Clemmens “I met Stevie Nicks here in 1978, but I wouldn’t know she was a singer the way she was hustling guys in five finger filet in the parking lot. We once had a young lady named Fiona Apple come through and she drank a whole convoy under the table before playing a show. These fellas never seem to learn not to mess with these alternative ladies.”

As of press time, the tour announced it would resume immediately after the band quickly got back into the road upon Baker snapping a trucker’s arm like a twig.

Every Dwarves Album Ranked

Posted on June 24, 2023 by James Knapp

Look, I know that most of you only clicked on this ranking for the tits, it’s why I decided to write the dang thing. But if you look very closely, you might also notice that there are words in between those tits where I talk about the Dwarves albums which, for the past thirty-seven years, have also been largely sandwiched between tits – big, bountiful, blood-spattered tits. Here is our definitive ranking of every Dwarves album, perverts.

11. Toolin’ For a Warm Teabag (1988)

Just calling this one an album is generous in pretty much every way. Seven songs in just over seven minutes is short even by Dwarves standards. And the fact that all of them just sound like someone threw a bunch of aluminum tubes down an elevator shaft doesn’t make for a good record, and barely passes for a low budget “we made it shitty on purpose” punk record.

Play it again: Might as well be the whole fucking record considering it’ll take less time to listen to it than it does to take a piss.
Skip it: Skipping the whole thing is a good option as well, however.

10. Sugarfix (1993)

The first album not to feature HeWhoCannotBeNamed on guitar after his brutal murder by stabbing, “Sugarfix” really shows the loss his influence has with the band. At the very least we can all be grateful that HeWho dramatically rose from the grave shortly thereafter to take over the role again like a guitar-shredding satanic christ – at which point, SubPop promptly told the entire band to “fuck right off.”

Play it again: “Saturday Night”
Skip it: “Action Man”

9. Take Back the Night (2018)

“Take Back the Night” listens like a “previously on…” recap for the last episode of a TV show that hasn’t been any good for three seasons now. It hits on a lot of Dwarves staples but none with enough depth or fresh perspective to leave any lasting impression. Ultimately it just makes the listener feel like the band would just make the jump to a feature length format already (that TV show analogy is still holding up, right?).

Play it again: “Nowhere Fast”
Skip it: “Down and Dirty”

8. Horror Stories (1986)

I was gonna kick this review off with something like “it sure is… a horror story… I mean this album… is a horror story… eh?” But besides that joke being beyond any semblance of stupid the truth is this album isn’t all that bad. It’s not good by any stretch, especially when the Dwarves have done the same thing better so many other times. But if you’re a hardcore Dwarves-head (fuck, I hope that isn’t actually a thing) then this album with probably make you smile.

Play it again: “Sometimes Gay Boys Don’t Wear Pink”
Skip it: “Love Gestapo”

7. The Dwarves Are Born Again (2011)

Technically speaking, after twenty-five years of consistently putting out a diverse collection of albums, pretty much anything could be considered a return to form. All the same, “The Dwarves Are Born Again” births the band back to the early thrash umbilical cord they had long since cut themselves from. It may not have the same impact as those first records, but does what it sets out to do, and in this case that’s enough.

Play it again: “You’ll Never Take Us Alive”
Skip it: “Fake ID”

6. Thank Heaven For Little Girls (1991)

Listening to “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” has the same equivalent effect of taking a cattle prod jolt to the scrotum. It’s a quick burst of shock rock, intentional offense with no real subtext, but after it’s over you get to laugh and enjoy the experience like the low-rent “Jackass” crew of a person you are. No, THFLG isn’t gonna win any subtlety contests, but thank fuck for that because what the hell even is a “subtlety contest” – that sounds insane.

Play it again: “Fuck ‘Em All”
Skip it: “Three Seconds”

5. The Dwarves Must Die (2004)

After a few years hiatus and a “greatest hits” record which omitted some of the band’s best material, the Dwarves came back with incredibly creatively sprawling and energetically fierce “Must Die.” It ended up becoming the last album they would release for nearly eight years after. And while I’m glad it wasn’t, if “Must Die” turned out to be the final nail in the Dwarves dick-shaped coffin, I think I could have been alright with them going out like that.

Play it again: “The Dwarves Must Die”
Skip it: “Blast”

4. The Dwarves Invented Rock & Roll (2014)

With age can come great insight. And in the immortal words of Blag Dahlia, “We are the sluts of the USA, we are the sluts of the USA. And we can suck and we can fuck and we can bust a nut. We wouldn’t have it any other way.” The Dwarves may not have actually invented rock and roll, but as a band they certainly personify the spirit of the genre. And this album is a strong example of the energy and attitude that makes punk rock so compelling in the first place.

Play it again: “Trailer Trash”
Skip it: “Irresistible”

3. Come Clean (2000)

“Come Clean” is a weird album, and I totally get that some of you have already fled to the comments section to tell me what a jackass I am for ranking it this high. But much like the Dwarves when they recorded this album, I don’t give a fuck what you expect from me. It’s a bold choice for a band to spend years writing the most offensive shit they can think of (and believe me, there’s still plenty of that here), but then shift gears into what is basically angry dance-pop. And by that metric alone, “Come Clean” absolutely deserves the number three spot in this ranking.

Play it again: “Better Be Women”
Skip it: “Production Value”

2. Blood Guts & Pussy (1990)

SPIN magazine once called this record “the most offensive album ever made,” which is high praise when we’re talking about Dwarves albums. “Blood Guts & Pussy” is a thirteen-minute-long rail of cocaine that you don’t even realize you’ve done the whole thing until it’s three days later, you haven’t slept, and the garbled caterwauling of “Motherfucker” is still driving you to find another fix. You can be offended all you want at this record, but you can’t ever deny that it just plain fucking rocks

Play it again: “Drug Store”
Skip it: “Insect Whore”

1. The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking (1997)

Perfection has never been anything the Dwarves strove to achieve – you could even make the argument that they actively fought against perfection for their entire career. But, well, “The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking” is fucking perfect. It hits that sweet spot between the gnarled “fuck you!” that was “Blood Guts & Pussy” and the pop heavy danceability of “Come Clean.” It represents a band that is in its “we have the exact right amount of our shit together to make an amazing record but we still need a floor to crash on” phase of their existence. “The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking” soundly solidifies that the band will, in truth, be young and good looking forever.

Play it again: “Everybodies Girl”
Skip it: I’m gonna say “Demonica.” I don’t actually think it’s a skip, but I kinda wanna see what everybody has to say about that choice.

10 Hidden Tracks On Classic Albums You Were Too Lazy to Find

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Sean Fallon

Hidden tracks, the post-credits scene of the album world, have been around for a while and are sometimes used to hide tracks that didn’t quite fit on an album, rewards for the patient listener, or crap that the band found funny. We found some hidden tracks on classic and not-so-classic albums that people don’t really talk about enough.

Wu-Tang Clan “Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)”

Wu-Tang listeners know that the boys from Shaolin like their king Fu movies. Their songs are littered with samples and references to the Wuxia genre but it is still jarring to hear the hidden track on their debut album where each member of the clan reads out their favorite Kung Fu movies with no backing beat or emotion in their voice.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono “Double Fantasy”

Released a month before Lennon’s murder the album features a hidden acoustic track in which Lennon dares someone to shoot him. The song is notable in that Lennon seems to imply that he wants Ringo Starr to be the one that pulls the trigger with the lines “Ringo you were shit on the drums/come and murder me ya bum.”

The Fall “Hex Enduction Hour”

The Fall’s fourth album contains one of the longest hidden tracks on this list as a listener will find if they wait two minutes after the end of the final track “And This Day” they’ll hear another complete album that The Fall recorded and forgot to release. Tenacious fans will also be rewarded if they wait for the hidden album to end as that also has a hidden track which is an album-length rant from Mark E. Smith about how much he hates Morrisey.

The Beach Boys “Pet Sounds”

Known for taking their music literally (while recording 1970’s “Sunflower” they ate nothing but sunflowers), the Beach Boys hid a track on their classic album with the vocals and instrumental work all performed by their own pets. While the vocals and guitar work is pretty rough, the drumming by Brian Wilson’s pet cat Leary is some of the best ever recorded.

Taylor Swift “Folklore”

During the Watergate affair, it was revealed that Richard Nixon was recording most of the conversations happening in the Oval Office. Strangely when the tapes were listened to, there was a missing 18 minutes that people believe were wiped to protect the president. How fortuitous then that those 18 minutes were found nestled in the end of Taylor Swift’s cottagecore masterpiece, “Folklore.” And while they don’t have the usual catchiness of a Taylor Swift bop, they do show the leader of the free world engaged in high treason in a way that shakes the very foundations of the country to its core.

Bloodhound Gang “Hooray for Boobies”

The soundtrack for horny pre-2000s teens, “Hooray for Boobies” featured the classic tracks The Bad Touch, I Hope You Die, and A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying. What listeners might not realize is that after the final track, there is a little treat for listeners in the form of a complete 39 hour long audiobook of Simone de Beauvoir’s masterpiece of feminist philosophy, “The Second Sex.”

Morrissey “Viva Hate”

Patience rewards the listeners of Morrissey’s 1988 solo album because if they wait for twelve minutes of silence after “Margaret on the Guillotine” they get to hear Morrissey order 8 cheeseburgers with everything before proceeding to eat them one by one seemingly in a state of transcendental ecstasy. While Morrissey has never commented on the track, he has been known to drool uncontrollably when asked about it in interviews.

Metallica “St. Anger”

If you wait a few seconds after the end of “All Within My Hands,” you’ll be asked by the record for your name. If you answer, the album will then serve you a lawsuit from Lars Ulrich for any number of crimes be in peer to peer file sharing, not enjoying the flat drumming style of the album, or enjoying that episode of “South Park” that made fun of him. You’ll then need to appear in court within ten days.

Michael Jackson “Invincible”

Famously not a fan of rock and roll, Michael Jackson did make an exception for Iowa natives Slipknot. On his 2001 album, Jackson hid a cover of “Wait and Bleed” that returns the frantic anger of the original while still adding a dance breakdown and a guest appearance by Chris Tucker.

Slipknot “Iowa”

Slipknot never shied away from declaring that the main influence on their music, outlook, and appearance is the post-disco stylings of the Jackson 5. It is fitting then that they hid a track on their second album dedicated not just to their love of the Jacksons but also their love and peace and understanding. Their version of “Heal the World” may contain eight thousand separate drums but the emotions stay true to the original.

Dom Panics After Accidentally Feeding Chocolate to Puppy Play Partner

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Mimi Kenny

NEW YORK – A local BDSM play party took a turn for the stressful when dominant “Silvan E” absentmindedly fed Nutella to their puppy play partner, leading to immediate worry about possible chocolate poisoning effects on their submissive, leather-clad sources confirmed.

“Everything was going great,” said Silvan while wearing a gimp mask and stroking their favorite bamboo cane. “I was in this big loveseat and Lappy came crawling over all fours, wearing the collar I got him for our anniversary. And there was this thing of Nutella just sitting on the coffee table. So, without even thinking I put a little on my stomach and, of course, he licked it right off. But then I immediately realized what I had done and started freaking out. Everyone knows dogs can’t have chocolate, and I was like, ‘oh my god, I have to get help right away.’”

The incident reportedly led to an immediate mood shift at the event, with multiple witnesses recounting Silvan hurriedly removing Lappy’s mask and checking for indications of pupil dilation.

“I was enjoying the rush of having searing candle wax drip down my nipples blindfolded,” said host “Jesse X.” “When, all of a sudden, Silvan is getting all worked up, asking how close the nearest ER is. “Lappy seemed fine to me. I mean, he was basically passed out on the floor but I think that was more due to working a double and taking one too many dabs that night than anything related to the scene at hand.”

After some emergency group coping and relaxation techniques were deployed, Silvan summoned the fortitude to call a pet poison helpline.

“I always ask how old the dog is and how much they weigh,” said agent Susan Harrington, a 1-800-Pet-Help representative for five years. “And when they told me ‘28, 165 lbs, and completely hairless’ I thought they were putting me on. I just said they should take him to an emergency vet because this shit is way past my pay grade. But I still can’t believe that dog is real. And if it is, well, it’s an absolute miracle of science.”

At press time, kitten play aficionado and fellow attendee “Donna Gato” was stopped before they could try and eat a decorative lily plant sitting on the dining room table.

So You Made Plans on Adderall: Here’s Five Ways To Fake Your Death

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Liam Stephenson

We’ve all been there. You took Adderall to clean your apartment without crying and now you’re slotted for thirteen different brunches at the same time. Coming down from that hyper-focused high has turned you from a social butterfly to a paranoid, hibernating squirrel.

You just want to watch Fred Armisen impressions on YouTube all day and only leave the house to wave down your UberEats driver. We get it, and thankfully there’s a solution for avoiding those plans: convince the world that you died. Here are a few death-faking strategies for the amateur plan canceller:

Randomly appear during the Grammys “In Memoriam”
The stars! The paparazzi! The harrowing reminder of our mortality! Nothing says “I’m busy” like appearing in a slideshow of dead celebrities while Alicia Keys belts out a collection of Billy Joel medleys. Now instead of texting you, your friends will be texting condolences to your grieving family! You’ll be “resting in peace,” indeed.

Disassociate until nothing is real
Now that you’ve calmed down from 15 mg of focus pocus, it’s time to space out until your brain melts into a fine paste. Say “goodbye” to those plans and say “hello” to existential hell as you lose track of your weight in space and time. With practice, any ADHD-ridden adult can disassociate until everyone assumes them dead. Look at you putting that chemical imbalance to good use!

Kill someone that looks a lot like you
With this strategy, you might be thinking, “Huh? How would that help?” We know you’re a thoughtless sack of bones without Adderall, but think about it! This murderous power play will cancel that bar crawl in SECONDS after your friends see a vaguely familiar dead body on the news. Just find a tired-looking loser with no private or public records and give ”em’ the ol’ blunt force trauma! Worst comes to worst, you’ll be guaranteed a private cell in the prison psych unit.

Just die
Jumping in front of a train. Drinking a gallon of children’s Benadryl. Going to an American public school. There are thousands of easy ways to get killed and they’re all patiently waiting for you to try them. You won’t have to go to dinner at six if you’re six feet under!

My Adderall ran out
It appears that my Adderall has worn off after conjuring four brilliant ways to fake one death. I am completely out of ideas. Maybe you could… um… I don’t know, tell your friends you don’t want to hang out? No, bad idea. Sorry for even suggesting that. How about you make the damn list? I’m busy making sure the Grammys used the correct black-and-white photo of me.