Elvis Presley Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Exhibit to Steal Layout of African American History Museum

Posted on by Liam Stephenson

CLEVELAND — Officials at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’s Elvis Presley exhibit announced they will be copying the exact layout of the African American History Museum in an attempt to accurately honor rock star Elvis Presley’s legacy, multiple sources confirmed.

“Elvis Presley is one of the most important figures in music history,” said exhibit curator Ethan Crabb. “That’s why we’re doing what he would’ve wanted by stealing the creative work of Black people, repacking it, and selling it to White people. The exhibit is sort of like the music section of the African American History Museum, but less genuine and more palatable to the people that seek out the Rock &’ Roll Hall of Fame. We expect most people will praise the Elvis exhibit as groundbreaking and basically get all the credit for reshaping how we view museums.”

The exhibit is facing sizable backlash from music critics, which angered many Elvis fans across the country.

“What’s the fuss about? He’s literally the king of rock n’ roll. The entire museum should be dedicated to the man,” mumbled Elvis superfan Buford Limroy, sporting a Blue Lives Matter hat. “Besides, all those musicians should be honored that Elvis loved their work so much. If Elvis stole something from me, I’d piss myself with happiness. Hell, I’d let Elvis bang my wife. He’s a pioneer, and ‘originality’ or whatever will never take that away from him. I really wish he was still around and would bang my wife. Just imagining his hips thrusting back and forth does something to me.”

Museum critic Lincoln Hazel, however, doesn’t find this decision out of the ordinary for museums.

“Most museums are just houses for stolen goods,” said Hazel. “Considering the amount of colonial terror they’ve caused, pretty much any given history museum in England is a crime scene. This Elvis exhibit is no different, though at least the curator is honest enough to admit he’s reinforcing racism in the art world. I, on the other hand, prefer to keep that to myself.”

The exhibit will debut and run exclusively in February of every year to take attention away from Black History Month.

Bummer: This Guy Was Born 4/20/69 but He’s Not Remotely Fun or Interesting

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

You don’t need to spend much time in the smoke shop or the sex shop to know about the numerical significance of both “420” and “69.” And anyone bestowed with the natal honor of being born on April 20, 1969, would ideally be a true ambassador for free-spiritedness and non-conformity. Sadly, we met someone born on that date, and in all honesty, he’s pretty boring. And that’s putting it nicely.

On the surface, Greg Paulson seems like a pretty run-of-the-mill guy, a 54-year-old systems analyst who lives in the suburbs and who “treats himself” to Buffalo Wild Wings every Friday. But underneath the surface, well, there’s not much there either.

To be honest, we’re not even sure if he’s aware of how significant his birthdate is. When giving his DOB, he didn’t smirk or show any sign of trying to contain himself. And when we said “nice” in response, he didn’t react at all! He seemed more confused if anything.

Now, he might not “partake” in the chronic. But you don’t need to know your sativa from your indica to know about 420. Honestly, we’d be surprised if he’s tried anything stronger than Metamucil.

That alone would be unfortunate. But his birth year really adds insult to injury. If there’s one thing you don’t think around Greg, it’s “this guy fucks.” Granted, we know he’s married and has kids. But “has had sex” is not the same thing as “fucks.” And he doesn’t seem like someone who gives oral in any position. He makes Hank Hill seem like a regular Casanova.

Maybe it’s a generational thing? Like, 420 and 69 have been known about for decades. But maybe it didn’t spread so fast in the pre-internet age, and he missed the boat? But that still doesn’t fully explain it. After all, should someone with that birthdate just be naturally charismatic, with a million stories to share about all the crazy shenanigans they’ve gotten into over the years?

Well, he might have a stable career, home ownership, and a loving family. But what’s that ultimately worth when it means wasting such a meme-worthy birthday?

We Ranked Every Rites of Spring Song Because Some Guy In Our Comments Section Called Us Posers

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Here’s the deal. We love Fugazi and we love Minor Threat. We’ve mentioned both bands several times in print because they rule. However, some ice cream eating motherfucker in our comments section had the gall to insinuate that we’ve never heard of Rites of Spring and therefore are ‘fake emo bullshit posers’ simply because we haven’t given them much press. First off, fuck that guy. We don’t give a shit about what he thinks. Secondly, it really bothers us that he called us that.

We should probably take the high road here and just let it go, but we can’t live with the stain this slander has smeared all over us. To prove this asshole wrong and come out on top, we’ve ranked every song from Rites of Spring’s self-titled album and EP, ‘All Through A Life.’ Please don’t tell our therapist. We can’t afford another emergency session.

17. “For Want Of”

There’s likely nothing less punk than enjoying something with over three million streams on Spotify. Because this is arguably the band’s most well-known song, we’re going to err on the side of caution here and place it dead last as to not seem pedestrian. We’re not posers, so we have no way of knowing for sure, but putting a super popular track higher up in the list sure seems like something a poser would do. It would be like ranking “Waiting Room” as the best Fugazi song.

16. “Hain’s Point”

‘Hain’s Point’ is a noble effort, but sounds notably unfinished when compared to the rest of the band’s catalog. Picciotto may feel as though he’s ‘falling through a hole in his heart’ throughout the track, but we just feel like we’re falling through a half-assed song written to fill the tracklist. Maybe we’re being harsh, but the track almost sounds as if they didn’t know they were part of the motherfucking Revolution Summer Movement and that’s unforgivable.

15. “All There Is”

Rites of Spring are often credited as the originators of Emo music. Many point to the band as an example of how far the genre has strayed from its fundamental roots, and they’re usually right. This song, however, is whiny as shit. If you’re attempting to prove to your MCR-loving friend that Emo is more than just breakup songs and bad poetry, you’d be well advised to stay far away from this track.

14. “Hidden Wheel”

This probably would have been a great cut had it been sped up and recorded with the ramshackle intensity of the band’s previous work, but with the cleaned-up sound of their EP, ‘All Through a Life,’ it falls tragically flat. Remember that time you told your rowdy as fuck friend to get his shit together and he corrected his course way too hard? He’s boring as hell now. That’s essentially the deal with this song.

13. “Persistent Vision”

There are some pretty neat backward guitars at the end of this one. We can’t confirm, but we’re pretty positive the Rites Boys were the first band to ever think of incorporating reversed sounds on a track in the entire history of recorded music. That small bit of innovation aside, this song doesn’t offer much else to differentiate it from the herd and isn’t going to send anyone running to the record store for a copy anytime soon.

12. “Theme”

There’s some sort of phaser or flanger or chorus or something on Mike Fellows’ bass during this track. While we’re not sure of the exact stomp-box that was utilized, everyone knows using any effect on bass other than distortion is gross and not punk at all. If we had to guess the ‘theme’ of this track, it would be ‘we just got a bunch of goofy pedals.’ The band would have done well to leave that flashy shit behind. No one likes a showoff, Brendan.

11. “Patience”

Ugh, again with the flanger or phaser or whatever. It just doesn’t sound good, and it never will. If you’re in or starting any kind of band at all, get that shit off of your pedalboard immediately like Picciotto did after Rites of Spring broke up. Despite the aural misstep, this is a fine track. It just doesn’t seem to fit with the band’s overall image or sound and it mostly just makes us want to listen to the more successful permutations of Picciotto’s songwriting in Fugazi’s discography.

10. “All Through A Life”

As the opening track to the band’s final EP, an immediate departure is conveyed in ‘All Through A Life.’ The biggest difference is that it actually sounds kind of listenable. Ian MacKaye’s increased recording skill coupled with a more rehearsed band helped craft a more polished sound. Because we aren’t actually ‘talentless losers with zero integrity,’ as some would have you believe, we think that higher production values equate to worse-sounding music, so down in the lower half it goes.

9. “By Design”

This song is fine. Maybe due to its late position in the original tracklist of the band’s debut, it gives off a bit of an ‘okay, we get the gist’ vibe. There is nothing terrible or even remotely remarkable about this song, which means that guy who called us ‘hacks’ on Instagram last week probably fucking loves it. Sorry, this is a smack-dab-in-the-middle song at best.

8. “Other Way Around”

If you happen to have an original pressing of Rites of Spring’s self-titled LP, you might notice that this song is nowhere to be found. That’s because it was only added when the album was repressed in 1987, a full year after the band dissolved. Because this song wasn’t even readily available when the band was actually active, and the act of adding it as a bonus track for a fresh pressing feels a bit cash grabby, we must rank it lower here no matter how much that riff in the intro fucking shreds.

7. “Drink Deep”

While not the worst song in the world, and clearly a foundational composition for future Fugazi numbers, this track is nearly five minutes long and we have shit to do. Guy Picciotto claims to ‘believe in moments’ during the lengthy and mostly uneventful runtime of ‘Drink Deep.’ Our only wish here is that he would have had less faith in at least two minutes’ worth of the track’s moments while crafting it.

6. “In Silence/Words Away”

Though much of the band’s last EP proved to be a bit underwhelming after their riotous debut, this track has a bit of the familiar edge. Stuck somewhere firmly between Picciotto’s past and future stylistic choices, ‘In Silence/Words Away’ can almost be seen as a fitting swan song to his previous life as a sole frontman before careening wildly into sharing the outsized role in Fugazi. Sorry to ramble, we’ve been listening to a lot of Rites of Spring as you have probably gathered.

5. “Remainder”

If you listen closely, you can almost hear every one of your favorite punk-adjacent bands from the last twenty years being conceived throughout this track, which is one of the more melodic entries into the band’s brief catalog. The outro riff alone likely spawned an entire generation of pop-punk legends. Blame Rites of Spring or praise them depending on your feelings about the FuseTV-era of Emo and Punk, but one thing is certain, they bear nearly all of the responsibility.

4. “Nudes”

Before you start undressing and finding your most flattering selfie angle the next time you receive a text that says “send nudes,” stop and consider that the sender probably just needs help finding a link to Rites of Spring’s classic, ‘Nudes.’ This will potentially save you a ton of embarrassment down the line, and the track’s groove is as undeniable as its lyrics are existential and weird. ‘Nudes’ showcases the band at the near peak of their performative abilities, which is more than we can say for the last time the idiot that called us ‘phonies’ was in the buff.

3. “Spring”

Now that’s how you start a goddamn insanely influential and genre-birthing debut album. ‘Spring’ wastes no time kicking the absolute shit out of you. One blink-and-you’ll-miss-it snare hit and it’s ‘buckle up, fucker.’ At a neck-breaking two-minute run time, a casual listener will barely have time to get back on their feet before the final guitar notes ring out. We’re no casual listeners here, though. In fact, we’re still cleaning up all the shit we knocked over while slam-dancing to this one in the office.

2. “Deeper Than Inside”

Oh fuuuuuuck yeah. This is a ripper that is sure to have you strutting circles around your living room in no time. This one’s got angular riffs, chants a plenty, and a Picciotto voice constantly on the verge of completely going out. There aren’t many songs that more accurately sound like the term “emotive hardcore.” At least not outside of Rites of Spring’s discography, there aren’t.

1. “End on End”

I know we just recently criticized ‘Drink Deep’ for being almost five minutes long, so you’re probably wondering why we put a nearly eight-minute-long song in the top spot. Well, idiot, the reason is that ‘Drink Deep’ is a boring slog, and ‘End on End’ is batshit crazy levels of incredible. If Rites of Spring released this song, and only this song, they would probably be equally if not twice as legendary as they are now. Essentially, ‘End on End’ condenses everything great about the band’s sound into a singular track that could pass for a respectable EP in its own right. Even Dischord Records used the track’s title as the name of the compilation release of their repackaged discography. You literally can’t fight us on this, and we will not be fielding any arguments at this time. (Plus it’s the opening song in “Jump Off a Building.”)

/**/

Senator Feinstein Briefly Hospitalized After Altercation With Van Helsing

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

WASHINGTON—Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was briefly hospitalized earlier this week after a reported altercation with legendary vampire hunter Van Helsing, multiple Beltway insiders confirmed.

“Oh, my daughter helped me with the groceries earlier this week,” said Feinstein, which, while nice, had nothing to do with the question. “Margaret got me oranges, they’re so sweet. I remember eating the oranges my father used to get. No second rate vampire hunter will ever kill me, no matter how hard they try. I’ll fight them until my dying breath which won’t be for another 300 years if the prophecy holds. How I love oranges.”

Mr. Van Helsing gave his expert insight into the incident, explaining that this sort of behavior from elected officials is more common than the public realizes.

“See, it’s always these older senators that are the worst,” said the esteemed monster hunter in a comically thick Dutch accent. “They don’t have any experience on what the average American’s life is like, so there’s no way they can effectively govern over the people. Also, they prefer to gorge on the blood of the innocent in order to retain their power. It’s an ineffective system at best.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell vowed to stop the “politically motivated” attacks on his fellow creatures of the night.

“When that young upstart tried attacking me earlier this year, I was in a pretty weak state. I hadn’t fed for days and just barely managed to get away,” said McConnell. “I still get flashbacks about the attack, the last one was a couple weeks ago. This cannot happen again. I am going to introduce legislation to Congress ensuring that we get at least one or two human sacrifices per session, so all representatives will be able to fight against a holy blade.”

As of press time, McConnell’s “Sacrificial Lambs for Congress” Act was passed with complete bipartisan support.

Slippery Slope: Funk Singer Asking You to Give It to Him One Time Probably Going to Ask You to Give It to Him Two Times

Posted on by Jeff Bender

LAGRANGE, Ga. — Several hundred fans were torn Friday night over whether to give it to funk singer G.T. Stone and his band again after having given it to him once already during a set out of fear that he would ask for more, apprehensive sources confirmed.

“I don’t like giving it more than once, especially this early in the night,” said longtime Stone fan Marcia Stipp. “I mean, when does it end? I’ll give it to anyone once, sure. Then if they ask again, I’m more or less obligated, right? But here it gets tricky. Three times? Whoa. Four times? Now I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Sometimes I don’t think these funk singers take into consideration what it means for people my age to give it up—or even turn it loose.”

Stone admitted there is a science to the give-it-to-me strategy, which dates back to the early days of funk.

“It’s the classic foot-in-the-door technique, developed by Stanford psychologists Jonathan Freedman and Scott Fraser back in, oh, I wanna say 1966?” said Stone. “It goes something like this. If I can get you to say yes to one thing, I can get you to say yes to another thing—and so on down the line. And it doesn’t matter if the ‘thing’ here is a simple hello or a million dollars in life insurance or something more nuanced, like the universal ‘it’ of funk, man. And don’t ask me what ‘it’ is again. I’ve been down that funk railroad too many times.”

Prize-winning funk historian Al “Lay-It-Down” Brown testified to being able to see both sides of the coin.

“It is indeed a slippery slope, and I myself won’t give it to a singer even once. Most singers coming up through the system try to squeeze out as many as they can from the audience,” said Brown. “Isaac Hayes used to average a good nine per night. One sweltering night in Newport News I saw a crowd give it to James Brown 73 times in a row—but that’s rare. No one will ever come close to that again. Fans have learned their lesson.”

At press time, Stone was heard saying, “Let’s hear it for the band one more time,” while the crowd deliberated over whether having already applauded twice was sufficient.

Every Samiam Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Trevor Graham

If you’ve ever found yourself in a basement show singing along to some possibly bearded band playing upbeat music with sad lyrics that surely were written about something exactly what you’ve gone (or are going) through, you have Samiam to thank. Coming up at the same time as their Bay area counterparts Green Day and Jawbreaker, Samiam never quite reached the same household status but is still consistently putting out music that is listenable. Be honest, the last Green Day album you actually listened to had songs about George Bush on it.

Over the past 30+ years, Samiam has put out nine albums with a revolving door of members besides the two core members of Jason Beebout and Sergie Loobkoff. If you’ve never heard of Samiam it probably seems like those are made-up names and even if you already like Samiam you probably didn’t realize these were their actual names, did you? It’s ok, we’ve done the heavy lifting and dove headfirst into the details of the band and their discography and are here to rank everything from their shockingly underrated career.

9. Trips (2011)

Samiam later in their career always kind of rode that line between catchy punk and mainstream radio rock and this is the one where that line is crossed. This is a perfectly fine album but it’s also the one that you can almost imagine being played over the loudspeaker at your local supermarket.

Play it again: “80 West”
Skip it: “Magellan” It’s great to not always do the same thing but sometimes that new direction doesn’t find its destination (navigation pun)

 

8. Whatever’s Got You Down (2006)

After a six-year hiatus, they returned with this album and immediately something seemed off. All the elements are there for the most part but the recording sounds like it was done with a boombox placed in the middle of the practice room. The backlash to this was so bad that they released a remixed version in 2013 to fix the glaring mistakes but even this new version doesn’t really seem to have the goods.

Play it again: “Storm Clouds”
Skip it: “Hog” Come on, even by 2006 it was a bad idea to end your CD with a joke song you thought was funny because you were high in the studio

7. Stowaway (2023)

It’s probably unfair to compare a band’s brand-new album to everything they’ve been doing for three previous decades, but then again life isn’t fair. We have to judge this one based solely on the music itself without any rose-colored nostalgia corrupting our judgment. The good news is the verdict is this a really good album with a lot of it sounding like something from their catalog in the late ‘90s.

Play it again: “Monterey Canyon”
Skip it: “Stowaway” It’s not often that the title track is the skipper but here it is

 

6. Self-Titled (1990)

1990 was a weird year for music. The punk and hardcore bands of the ‘80s had burned themselves out and the Whitesnakes of the world dominated the airwaves. This was the year Samiam released their first full-length and in a way picked up where Hüsker Dü left off even though it may be a little rough in spots.

Play it again: “Speed,” “The Bridge,” and “Home Sweet Home”
Skip it: “My Eye”

 

 

5. Astray (2000)

Maybe it was the fact that nothing happened on Y2K, but by 2000 Samiam seemed to cool their heels a bit and relaxed into a mid-career cruise. Astray is both a little more angsty than its predecessor and also a bit more tame. We spent most of the year 2000 eating through our doomsday rations anyway.

Play it again: “Super Brava,” and “Dull” (Any song that mentions The Doughboys is alright with me)
Skip it: “Curbside”

 

 

4. You Are Freaking Me Out (1997)

Their second major label release and from a production stance, arguably their best-sounding record. Beebout’s vocals are clean but powerful and you can tell he was really swinging for the fences. This is the soundtrack to a slacker alt road trip to find the best thrift store two states over.

Play it again: “She Found You,” and “Ordinary Life”
Skip it: “Cry Baby Cry” Oh my God, enough with the fucking Beatles already

 

 

3. Soar (1991)

The second album for every band is tricky. While some bands make embarrassing cringe-tastic decisions on their second album (“Let’s add violins!”) Samiam instead solidified their sound and smoothed off just enough of the rough edges from their debut.

Play it again: “Sky Flying By,” “Friend,” and “Clean”
Skip it: “Louie” It’s a nice little instrumental palette cleanser but it’s not a go-to banger

 

 

2. Clumsy (1994)

Their first major label release and their big breakout which earned them some modest airplay on MTV and even an appearance on the early Jon Stewart Show. The deep pockets of Atlantic Records afforded them better production but luckily they avoided the pitfalls of the overly slick and sanitized sound so many bands seem to fall into once Daddy Music Label opens their wallet.

Play it again: “No Size That Small,” and “Capsized”
Skip it: “Sima” Let’s save the songs about cars for the rockabilly crowd, please

1. Billy (1992)

What a sad fucking album this is but somehow it still makes you feel happy. Well, maybe not happy but possibly less depressed. Is it emo? Shit no. But it’s emotional as fuck. It almost feels like a concept album with the concept being life is shit especially when you’re broke and lonely.

Play it again: The whole thing top to bottom but “Don’t Break Me,” and “Regret” are the hits and “Head Trap” is the real sleeper surprise
Skip it: Don’t break me. I don’t mean the song, I mean don’t actually break me if you disagree with this ranking

Duolingo Adds New Eddie Vedder Course

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

PITTSBURGH — Popular language learning app, Duolingo announced they will be adding a new “Eddie Vedder” course to their catalog designed to help members learn how to read, write, speak, and comprehend the linguistic eccentricities of Pearl Jam frontman, Eddie Vedder.

“It’s all part of our effort to give the world the opportunity to learn the most obscure and endangered languages so they can flourish,” said Duolingo executive Donna Corbett. “Right now, outside of Mr. Vedder himself, the only other people that speak Eddie Vedder are the other members of Pearl Jam and a few die-hard fans. And even they’re not very good at it. That’s why this course is designed to be easy to come to, with a focus on rudimentary words and phrases like: ‘HEEYYYYYYEAAAAHH,’ which means hello ‘WHOOOOAMAAAHGNH,’ which is woman, and ‘Juuuuuuussd Breaaaaatttthe,’ which translates to help, I have diarrhea.”

Duolingo subscribers who grew up listening to Pearl Jam are already finding the new course highly beneficial.

“The app really keeps me motivated to keep going,” said user Graham Fraybaugh. “I look forward to doing my Duolingo Eddie Vedder first thing in the morning while I’m having my coffee. But even if I forget, it’s okay. Because if I haven’t done my lesson by 8 p.m., my phone will start blasting ‘Glorified G’ at top volume until I start doing my lesson. It’s great… it’s really great. Right now, I’m learning how to talk about what I do for work. And I can tell you… Yyeeahaeh Guuuuughghl, Iaa Builddid da Builddidghgns. That means, ‘I’m an architect.’”

The course has only been available for a few days on Duolingo’s server, but it has already become popular, lapping languages like Finnish after not even a week.

“The course is perfect for anyone who wants to engage with a modern and still-developing language and anyone that plans on taking a trip to Seattle and plans on stalking Mr. Vedder,” said sociolinguistics professor Roberta Conlon. “I know to some it may sound like grunts and moans and bellowing, but I’m confident that based on current trends, Eddie Vedder will be the official language of the United Nations within the next half-century.”

At press time, developers at Duolingo were hard at work on another new course, for 90s music aficionados, promising that soon, anyone who wants to will be able to “HEE-HAW-HAW” their way through a Dave Matthews course.

Opinion: What America Needs Is a Show Where Celebrities Share Their Love of Rare and Expensive Cars

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s no denying that we as a nation are living through the curse of “interesting times.” Our economy is terrible, our climate grows worse every year, and the divide between right and left has never been wider.

What we need more than anything right now is something we can all get behind, something to restore our crumbling mono-culture. I’m referring of course to a television show where rich celebrities talk about cars most of us could never afford.

Imagine seeing a famous guy who’s always in movies driving a fast car actually driving a car and saying “Hey, I’m the guy from the thing and I own this with money I have.” Think of the curative effect that would have on us as a people right now.

What’s more, the celebrities could be using the cars to do everyday things, like get coffee, brag about their lucrative careers and treat waitstaff like animals, just like us!

I’m tired of seeing people like Robert Downey Jr. in movies forced to play some schluby Iron Man type. Just once I would like to see him in nice clothes driving a fast car that costs more than my family’s net worth put together and just generally showcasing how cool his life is.

Unfortunately, with the exception of “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee,” “Jay Leno’s Garage,” “Million Dollar Wheels,” “Downey’s Dream Cars,” “Celebrity Car Wars,” “Top Gear,” “West Coast Customs,” and “Paul Hollywood’s Big Continental Road Trip” there are hardly even a dozen shows that fit the bill.

I know new projects are hard to green-light right now due to the writers and actors strikes, but that’s what makes this the perfect time for my idea! Like many Americans I am naive enough to believe that reality shows aren’t scripted, and the celebrities would just be playing themselves!

It’s time for Hollywood to accept the fact that the content they put out sends a message to society, and that message should be “Jason Momoa looks great in a Ferrari.”

50 Bassists Ranked By How Good They Would Be to Go on a Cross Country Road Trip With

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Once in a while, we as a society recognize a bass player for their musicianship. But they often get completely overlooked for their performance on long road trips. That’s the real shame. This is why we took it upon ourselves to rank 50 bass players by how well they’d handle 40 hours in a car with a complete stranger.

50. Mike Huckabee

There is no way in hell I’m sharing a vehicle with this man. But I guess if I absolutely have to, this would be my one and only opportunity to push this guy out of a moving car.

49. Gene Simmons

The Kiss bassist wouldn’t wear a seatbelt the entire time because, according to him, no one ever did back in his day. This is going to make me wonder how many other basic safety considerations he’s going to forgo on this trip.

48. Murdoc Niccals

The Gorillaz bassist would somehow run over several small animals while driving. It wouldn’t be until the third or fourth time he took out a possum that I’d start to think he was actually intentionally aiming for them. It’s really killing the adventure and wanderlust vibes.

47. Fat Mike

It’ll be six hours into this road trip before Fat Mike informs me that he doesn’t have a driver’s license. Then he’s going to tell me he forgot his wallet. Also his toothbrush, so he’ll have to use mine. Nothing but red flags.

46. Nikki Sixx

You just know Nikki smells like a combination of hairspray and cigarettes even though I’ve never seen him smoke. The Marlboro aromas are fine, but I draw the line at anything that smells like Axe Body Spray.

45. Krist Novoselic

Krist is 6’7” so he’s going to be so uncomfortable in my compact car. We’d have to stop every 20 to 30 minutes so he can get out and stretch his legs. Road trips are typically more suitable for short kings.

44. Duff McKagan

The Guns N’ Roses bassist has been sober for decades, so I feel like he’s going to judge me when I crack open a few drinks when it’s my turn to drive. I just function better when I’m a few beers deep. Is that so wrong?

43. Geezer Butler

The Black Sabbath bassist would complain about gas prices the entire time. Buddy, I know gas was a quarter per gallon in the ‘70s, but that was before the government allowed rampant corporate greed to take over. Get with the program.

42. Steve Harris

The Iron Maiden bassist would throw all of this trash on the floor even though I have a plastic bag for this exact purpose. At least he separates it beforehand. Recycling goes in the passenger side, general garbage in the back, and food scraps go out the window.

41. Sean Yseult

White Zombie’s bassist would want to bring her pet snake with her and it’d ride in the backseat. I’m going to be staring at that thing in the rearview mirror the entire time. She’s the reason I’d have to institute a stern “no reptiles” rule on future road trips.

40. Mike Herrera

The MxPx bassist would Instagram the entire trip, as if anyone cares we just hit Indiana. He’d even post reels like a total dork. I wouldn’t mind it so much, but he keeps using the hashtag #vanlife and it’s bothering me because we’re in a sedan.

39. Fieldy

The Korn bassist would be a fine companion on the road to a certain extent, but he’d only consume Red Bulls, Mountain Dew, and Five-Hour Energy the entire way. I’d never see him drink water and I’d start to get worried.

38. Jason Newsted

The former Metallica bassist would always need to turn down the radio when he was trying to concentrate on the road. I don’t understand why that would help, but I notice he mainly does it during pre-1986 and post-2001 Metallica songs, specifically.

37. Nikolai Fraiture

The Strokes bassist would prefer to sit in silence the entire time because he’s “not much of a music fan.” Just what am I supposed to pay attention to while driving?

36. Les Claypool

Les famously took bass to a whole new level. Unfortunately, he’s going to keep bringing that up the entire car ride. I’d have to pretend like I have to take a dump at every single rest stop just to get a break from him.

35. Gaye Advert

The Adverts bassist may be iconic in the punk world, but she’d want to hit every roadside attraction in the US. It doesn’t matter that the world’s largest ball of twine is three hours out of our way or the giant statue of Paul Bunyan’s ox is on the other side of the country, Gaye’s bucket list is somehow the priority.

34. Paul Simonon

The Clash bassist is extremely British. That means he drives on the opposite side of the road. I generally don’t have a problem with that, but US traffic cops might. Seems like more trouble than it’s worth.

33. Tina Weymouth

The Talking Heads bassist would pack several charcuterie boards full of cured meats, pâtés, and spreads. That’s fine and all, but she wouldn’t leave any room on the board for Funyuns, which is my go-to road trip snack.

32. Mike Watt

90 minutes into the excursion, the Minutemen bassist is going to ask “Are we there yet?” even though I told him beforehand that this was a cross country trip. Starting to think he’s never seen a map before. That must be why he didn’t seem to quite understand the concept of Wyoming.

31. Jerry Only

Jerry has a whole list of attractions he wants to see along the way, but they’re all Spirit Halloween stores. Jerry, I assure you that the Spirit Halloween in Nebraska has the same stuff as the one in New Jersey.

Pages: 1 2 3

Stage Diver Encounters Freaky Bioluminescent Audience Members in Crowd Depths

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

DANVERS, Mass. — An especially deep stage dive by local Garry Beverling established contact with long-fabled unsettling bioluminescent punks who thrive down there, sources confirmed amid shudders of fear.

“I had always heard of these wonders of the pit, but had never gotten a chance to see them with my own eyes. I took that leap from the stage, and got pushed further and further down, until I was face-to-face with these hideous, yet beautiful creatures. Glowing, with huge protruding teeth, and stark naked since they had never been able to make it to a merch table in their lives,” said DIY adventurer Beverling. “Oh, and I just want to say a big fat ‘I told you so’ to everyone who ever made fun of me for showing up to shows in an old-timey scuba suit. I knew it would pay off one day.”

One of the creatures in question delivered a message of curiosity by using a translation device provided by the American Oceanography Institute.

“The surface is a place we’ve long feared to tread. With its searing hot stage lights, and disconcerting rhythmic pulsations, we bottom dwellers know not of the land of live shows. We prefer the safety of the darkness down here…that’s what we tell ourselves, anyway,” remarked Deep Undercrowd Test Subject #1, codename ‘DUTS.’ “I must admit that someday I would very much like to feel the sour beer-encrusted air on my gills, and yell an ironic cover song for the ones onstage to play, and possibly elicit a faint chuckle from the one or two of my audience brethren. But for now, I’ll lurk on. For these depths are my home, and home is good. Plus, the drinks seem super overpriced up there. ”

Local wharf worker and known “old salt” Captain Harrison Bristols was quick to offer a tour of the under-pit to those who wish to venture there.

“Ay, to be sure, I can bring ye Hardened Timers a whole slew of those denizens o’ the deep fer interviewin’…for a price, that is! Why, me hearty crew of stout ‘n sturdy men are chomping at the bit to plumb whatever briny depths thar be to plumb,” said Bristols, as he twirled a harpoon just a bit too lackadaisically. “The brinier the better, we say! And plumb we shall, even the most treacherous of mosh pits in the most unkempt of basements. If the price is right, that is! And that right price? Oh…how about 60 bucks and whatever change we find down there? Sound good? Tight.”

At press time, the giant sperm whale that had gone unnoticed in the pit was eating half the audience.