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Duolingo Adds New Eddie Vedder Course

PITTSBURGH — Popular language learning app, Duolingo announced they will be adding a new “Eddie Vedder” course to their catalog designed to help members learn how to read, write, speak, and comprehend the linguistic eccentricities of Pearl Jam frontman, Eddie Vedder.

“It’s all part of our effort to give the world the opportunity to learn the most obscure and endangered languages so they can flourish,” said Duolingo executive Donna Corbett. “Right now, outside of Mr. Vedder himself, the only other people that speak Eddie Vedder are the other members of Pearl Jam and a few die-hard fans. And even they’re not very good at it. That’s why this course is designed to be easy to come to, with a focus on rudimentary words and phrases like: ‘HEEYYYYYYEAAAAHH,’ which means hello ‘WHOOOOAMAAAHGNH,’ which is woman, and ‘Juuuuuuussd Breaaaaatttthe,’ which translates to help, I have diarrhea.”

Duolingo subscribers who grew up listening to Pearl Jam are already finding the new course highly beneficial.

“The app really keeps me motivated to keep going,” said user Graham Fraybaugh. “I look forward to doing my Duolingo Eddie Vedder first thing in the morning while I’m having my coffee. But even if I forget, it’s okay. Because if I haven’t done my lesson by 8 p.m., my phone will start blasting ‘Glorified G’ at top volume until I start doing my lesson. It’s great… it’s really great. Right now, I’m learning how to talk about what I do for work. And I can tell you… Yyeeahaeh Guuuuughghl, Iaa Builddid da Builddidghgns. That means, ‘I’m an architect.’”

The course has only been available for a few days on Duolingo’s server, but it has already become popular, lapping languages like Finnish after not even a week.

“The course is perfect for anyone who wants to engage with a modern and still-developing language and anyone that plans on taking a trip to Seattle and plans on stalking Mr. Vedder,” said sociolinguistics professor Roberta Conlon. “I know to some it may sound like grunts and moans and bellowing, but I’m confident that based on current trends, Eddie Vedder will be the official language of the United Nations within the next half-century.”

At press time, developers at Duolingo were hard at work on another new course, for 90s music aficionados, promising that soon, anyone who wants to will be able to “HEE-HAW-HAW” their way through a Dave Matthews course.