HOUSTON — Soon-to-be retired senator Joe Manchin’s suit was hung from the rafters at ExxonMobil’s headquarters during a tearful farewell ceremony, according to alarmingly wealthy sources who attended.
“To say we’ll miss Joe Manchin is an understatement,” said misty-eyed ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods. “To us, he wasn’t just a politician, he was a friend. I can’t think of another figure in contemporary politics who has done more to advance the agenda of our great industry. This guy wouldn’t say no to anything. Our lobbyists usually have to keep upping the ante to get results, but never with Joe. He would say ‘yes’ to the first offer, every time. It’s as though he loves corruption itself; the money is almost secondary.”
Manchin said he was proud of all he had accomplished in his time as a US senator, but he does have a few regrets.
“If I only had more time,” said the woeful senator as he shredded sensitive documents. “I could’ve done so much more for my good friends in the fossil fuel industry. But I’m getting older, and my grift game ain’t what it used to be. What’s next for ol’ Joe Manchin? Well, maybe Gayle and I will move to our Appalachian cabin full time. From up there, we can sit on the porch and take in the majestic view of the treeless, decimated mountains and the rivers that run black with coal waste spillover. That’s our happy place.”
The tradition of industry giants honoring retired corrupt politicians in this manner goes back generations, according to American University historian Linda Hammond.
“People usually associate the practice of hanging a garment from the rafters with sports teams,” said Hammond. “But there are accounts of this sort of tribute in the political realm dating back centuries. An early documented case was when railroad tycoon Cornelius Vanderbilt put the robe of a retired judge on display in his office. The judge, who had a terrible gambling habit and was very amenable to bribes, had been instrumental in facilitating the destruction of poor neighborhoods to make way for Vanderbilt’s railway.”
At press time, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema released a statement reassuring concerned lobbyists that she is young, corrupt, and open for business.
“Pull the Thorns from Your Heart,” Senses Fail’s sixth studio album and first full-length for then-new label Pure Noise Records, current home to both The Story So Far and Fats Domino, is easily the biggest misstep in SF’s career, and even you trolls know we’re right. The LP had the misfortune of following up their most underrated album “Renacer,” and its majority sadly sounds like demos and B-Sides that never should’ve been unleashed on the world. On a more flattering note, and we say this with the courage of an open heart, we really dig its album cover, which is just as lavish as the studio, which they cut some of the record at. Also, the band recorded this album with Shaun Lopez of (Crosses), Far, The Revolution Smile, and Beethoven fame, but even Mr. Lopez couldn’t make good, great. Take refuge and surrender.
“The Fire,” Senses Fail’s fourth studio album, and last for a non-imprint of Vagrant Records, has some good songs, but the total vibe is just a sea of overall exhaustion and tiredness that sadly puts out any je ne sais quoi of a positive metaphorically fire burning. Overall, it is the band’s first disjointed and inconsistent LP, and we believe that it truly slightly set the group back, until they came back with guns and lifeboats swinging and Saint Anthony shipwrecking on the aforementioned “Renacer,” the band’s follow-up departure, in the best way, record. When Irish eyes are smiling, err, smile.
Surprisingly to many, and certainly you, but not us, Senses Fail is still going strong in the year of our lord known as 2023, and released their eighth album “Hell Is in Your Head” the year before to great reviews. This particular record is the first to be listed here with little filler in your head, and we’ll die on that hill via water, plasma, or fire, but likely go to heaven instead of hell once we pass on because we’re perfect. Like its former, and next to be mentioned “If There Is Light, It Will Find You,” this LP was produced by Saosin’s Beau Birchell, and Mr. B successfully chewed the fat and brought out the best in SF. We’re excited to see what’s next for the five-piece, as it will be number nine, number nine, number nine.
Lucky #7 album “If There Is Light, It Will Find You” was a nostalgic, yet “current,” return to form for Senses Fail, and a necessary restart of an engine that many in the scene thought was corroded and smelled like the New Jersey Turnpike. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t and it isn’t right now either as the band appears to be set on a path to “career” status. Would you have thought such in the mid-aughts? Don’t answer that because moving forward, it’s always going to be Senses Fail’s year! This effort is the band’s best for Pure Noise Records as well.
The word “renacer” is Spanish for “reborn,” the term “mi amor” means “my love,” and SF embodies a love reborn throughout this record’s twelve biting tracks, and especially with the song title, “Closure / Rebirth.” This is also SF’s second heaviest record, as the lowest ranked one, “Pull the Thorns from Your Heart” takes the crown, albeit with a more saturated fats, anti-antioxidants, and artery cloggers, so “Renacer” is also their best heavy, screamy, loud AF and brutal blegh bowel moving breakdown effort. Also, this LP is the band’s first and only record on Staple Records, an imprint of Vagrant Records that also featured Thrice, La Dispute, and James Brown, and last via the Vagrant familia.
As you know, a band only gets one chance to make their debut effort, and such can take almost a lifetime for some, OR a surprisingly short amount of time for others, but Senses Fail clearly supplanted their legacy in the Warped Tour mid-aughts post-hardcore/“screamo” world with their first album, and likely the majority’s intro to the NJ five-piece, the constantly misspelled “Let it Enfold You.” Produced by Steve Evetts, the man behind albums from Saves the Day and Ashlee Simpson, and a human who many bowed down reverentially to in the late-90s, the album debuted at thirty-four on the Billboard 100 and was certified gold, yes, gold.
Basically, this album was a perfect follow-up to their second record “Still Searching,” and an almost flawless one altogether. The band seemingly recently realized this album’s grower and not a shower legacy, and just got off a tour for the fifteenth, holy moly artichoke, anniversary of “Life Is Not a Waiting Room,” with openers Holding Absence, Thousand Below, and O-Town, and it needs to be mentioned via notarized contract here, that SF CONSTANTLY gives back to the rock world by taking smaller acts on the road with ‘em; much respect for the manner by which SF maps the streets of the scene as sort of elder statesmen.
“Still Searching” = Sophomore slump? Hell no. Even though every day is a struggle, we respond to said math inquiry by saying, “Far from it, priests, matadors, cars, and slap bracelets.” In addition, this is SF’s only “no skip” studio album, and producer Brian McTernan deserves crowded rooms of applause for successfully turning a group in mid-puberty to fully-grown competent and confident adults, which is more than showcased with better musicianship, lyrics, songs, and overall confidence; Maryland’s Salad Days Studio should get name-dropped almost as much as the states famous crab cakes.
You would think that on a list of “Mad Men” characters who make us want to smoke, the heir to the Lucky Strike empire would rank high, but no. One look at this machiavellian, manipulative, predatory fuckhead and all we can think about is violence. He’s probably the most punchable character in Mad Men, and that’s saying a lot.
“Stop smoking so much—it’s a sign of weakness.” Bert’s right on the money about that one. The only time the man who puts the Cooper in Sterling Cooper makes us want to duck out and light up is when he starts telling us to check out Ayn Rand.
Bob’s all about positivity and good vibes. And appearances. And duplicitousness. And maybe murder? Anyway, he’s not about cigs.
She managed to get Pete Campbell to chill the fuck out, so this woman can pretty much do anything. I assume she doesn’t want me to smoke, so the pack I have hidden inside a lunchbox buried in my backyard will stay closed.
We only see Sally smoke twice: once when she gets caught by her mom and locked in a closet, and another time when her mom decides to reward her with one. God parenting was easy in the ‘60s. Anyway, that child actor still has a lot to learn about making smoking look cool.
Harry is a despicable parasite. I can only remember him being earnestly kind toward another character once and even then he still got with the dudes girl. Nothing Crane does looks cool, not even smoking, the coolest thing you can do.
Another non-smoker, and a passive-aggressive judgy one at that. Actually, that does kind of make us want one. Hmm.
If Ida makes you wanna light up you probably think Maxine comics are pretty funny. Ida is there to suppress base urges not encourage them, right Don?
Can’t remember if he even smokes, but if he does you know he makes it look terrible. John’s defining attribute is not being able to pull things off.
The last thing we see her do is throw a cigarette dispenser at Don. He deserved it, and then some, but it doesn’t tempt us to go to the bar down the street and dig through the ashtray outside to see if there are any snipes left in there.
He doesn’t make us want to smoke more than any other baby in the world, which is to say a little bit, but only if we’re in the room with him.
Lou doesn’t smoke, scouts honor. He is also incapable of expressing passion or feeling joy in any way. No one wants to be like Lou, and if he did smoke it would actually be a powerful deterrent.
He’s the most innocent character on the show, so why do we kinda want one already? Oh man, this is gonna be a long list.
This rank-and-file conservative shill is too square to make us want a smoke, and yet we want one. You can wear two patches at once right?
Joey’s charming on the surface but eventually we see his attitude toward women is so toxic it’s cancelable even by ‘60s standards. You know what else seems super charming on the surface despite its known toxicity right now? A fucking smoke.
Jimmy Barrett’s overly ambitious wife/manager is bad news, and Don knows it right away. Why does he sleep with her anyway? Because the man has an addiction. Sexy, delicious addiction. Maybe we’ll try the gum and the patch together?
Getting involved with Jane is a lot like going back to cigs. Clearly a huge mistake that the whole office will judge you for, but hard to resist.
If we had to be Roger’s secretary we would smoke three packs a day. That’s a lot of fires to put out all day, you might as well enjoy some.
Remember that whole thing she went through with Peggy and the flowers? How the hell do you even navigate that kind of awkwardness without sweet sweet nicotine?
It’s impossible to be Pete’s secretary without smoking at least a pack a day. Actually it’s impossible to have anything to do with Pete Campbell and not smoke a pack a day.
She’s probably strung out and chain-smoking at William S. Burroughs’ place right now, daddio.
You couldn’t be a comedian in the ‘60s without cigarettes, it wasn’t even allowed. A pack of Lucky Strikes has a writing credit on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.”
Peggy’s sister drudges up a lot of negative feelings. Jealousy, spite, judgment… all feelings that go great with a Marlboro.
All you have to do is sit behind a desk and smoke and Meredith will tell you what a great job you’re doing and mean it.
The former Governor of New Jersey seemed to realize his chances at winning the nomination were slim, so he used his limited speaking time to push his clumsily-named new podcast “Chris Christie Rewatches The Sopranos and Then He Talks About the Episode w/ Chris Christie.” When asked about continued support for Israel Christie said “That reminds me about Tony Soprano’s continued support of Chrissy Moltisanti. I actually just had Michael Imperioli’s former assistant on the latest episode of the podcast which is available wherever you get podcasts.” Christie closed by urging Americans to use promo code “ChrisChristieRewatchesTheSopranosandThenHeTalksAbouttheEpisode” for 25% off their first HelloFresh order.
Haley has been critical of Ramaswamy’s use of TikTok, which led to Ramaswamy calling out Haley’s daughter for being active on the social media platform. This caused a tense exchange which, as it soon became clear, was all sort of some sick psycho-sexual foreplay between the two candidates. Haley called Ramaswamy “Scum” and he replied “I’m so fucking hard right now, my dick is about to knock over this lectern.” Haley then turned to the moderators and asked “Does this building have flood insurance? Because my pussy is so wet it’s about to raise the sea level.”
The South Carolina Senator seemed distracted throughout the night and had trouble staying on message. “I don’t think it’s out of the question to ask your Uber driver to turn down the music in the car, but this guy seemed offended when I asked and then started smoking with all the windows up,” said Scott when asked about Biden’s handling of the economy. “I tried telling him I needed to focus because I was coming to this debate, and then he told me if I didn’t leave him a good tip he would say I tried kissing his neck.” Scott then asked for help contacting Uber’s customer service.
The two presidential hopefuls shared a terse exchange about their political experience levels which led the Florida governor to say “I want you inside me so bad right now, like I wish you could split me in half in front of all these people.” Ramaswamy responded by saying “It’s like I have a cinderblock made out of flesh in my underwear right now. Did we ever find out if this place had flood insurance? because I’m about to cum so much it will raise the sea level.”
When moderators asked Ron DeSantis how he feels about the current poll numbers he replied “SMOKIN’!” and then danced around the stage for two minutes before returning to the podium and screaming “SOMEBODY STOP ME!” This led to an exchange with Chris Christie where Christie admitted his favorite Jim Carrey movie is “The Number 23.” The audience responded to the admission with a chorus of boos.
Following a tense exchange over their support of former president Trump, Chris Christie said to Ramaswamy “I’ve got a plump New Jersey sausage that I want you to devour.” Ramaswamy then admitted he does not feel a spark with Christie, saying “Most of this debate I’ve been so rock hard that I’ve felt lightheaded, but you caused my penis to get so soft that I’m afraid it might disintegrate.” Christie tried to laugh it off by saying “I was just kidding anyway,” but he was clearly about to cry.
“Sometimes when I’m driving at night it’s tough to see people in the crosswalk, and yeah my car is always covered in random dents and blood because of it,” said Haley. “That’s why if I become president my first order of business will be making sure the sun stays out 24 hours a day.” Haley did not apologize to any of the families she hit with her car, but does hope they will be able to vote for her.
Towards the end of the evening, Ramaswamy admitted he wished Asa Hutchinson qualified for the debate because “That man’s mouth is like a velvet-lined vacuum” and Mike Pence “Did things to me that made me see God, and cum buckets.” Ramaswamy then made it a point to remind Chris Christie that he is not invited to the orgy, which Christie claimed he didn’t want to attend anyway because he had a sexier orgy to attend.