The Ten Most Underrated Geffen Records Albums That Still Helped Make David Geffen a Billionaire

Posted on by Scott Waldman

What you’re about to read is seemingly sponsored by nepo babies, but David Geffen wouldn’t have it any other way. Geffen Records was founded by Sir Geffen in 1980, and since then it has been affiliated with various labels including Interscope and has had a number of subsidiaries such as Drive-Thru Records and SureTone. Geffen Records has launched the debut records of powerhouses like Guns N’ Roses with their blockbuster debut LP “Appetite for Destruction,” and Olivia Rodrigo’s “Sour,” so its legacy will live on forever with nostalgia-based radio rock fans and tweens glued to Tik Tok. We attempt to list the top ten most underrated Geffen Records albums below and we already anticipate “what about band x” in the mentions. Shut up, turn on your TV set to a channel with commercials, and softly rock out to Enya on CD compilation commercials that don’t exist.

Depswa “Two Angels and a Dream” (2003)

If you aren’t an active rock enthusiast, you likely missed the boat on this band or are very, very shocked/surprised to see ‘em listed here, but we like to keep you miscreants guessing. Modesto, California is typically known for its conservative Christian populous, but Depswa, which, to save you time on Google, means “deep behind the moon” in Swahili, and deserves to be atop the things you think about when modest with an Italian accent. “Two Angels and a Dream” is the band’s debut full-length studio album and sadly their only release for Geffen Records, as, depending on who is speaking, they were dropped or requested leave. Whatever happened is between the band and a litany of attorneys, but there’s one thing for sure, it’s sad that their sophomore release came out seven years after this one, easily stifling any mainstream momentum that the band may have had.

Drop Dead, Gorgeous “The Hot N’ Heavy” (2009)

It is very, very rare to see a former Rise Records band on a major label, but for some sweaty reason or another, Suretone Records, a subsidiary of Geffen Records signed Denver, Colorado’s Drop Dead, Gorgeous, and released two far from radio-friendly chaotic albums from the band. While your neckbeard brother in your mother’s basement with a solid WiFi signal may have dug the heck out of this band then and even more so now, the global response was more warm and fit, but not too fit. The band’s third and last LP as of now, “The Hot N’ Heavy” may have debuted at 192 on The Billboard 200, but it quickly fell off, and the band broke up two years later after a seven-year stint, only to return this year for an upcoming holiday hometown reunion show between Christmas and New Year’s. They’re planning and laughing.

Elastica “Self-Titled” (1995)

Despite being huge in the United Kingdom for more than a minute, domestically Elastica just weren’t as big over in the US, and if you disagree, ask a random person on the street wearing a Nirvana t-shirt to name three songs from the band. Sadly, the band was swarmed with plagiarism accusations on this LP, and were subsequently unable to capitalize on their UK momentum anywhere outside of England and even IN England, which was proven with their next LP coming out five years after this one, a form of career suicide much like the aforementioned Depswa. Shortly after LP2, “The Menace” was released, the band started working on new material, and split up before it had the chance to finish anything.

Emmy Rossum “Inside Out” (2007)

Yes, THE Emmy Rossum was a total musical theater kid prior to becoming the badass lead actress that you love to love or hate to love on “Shameless,” and she parlayed her success in the film version of “The Phantom of the Opera,” which also featured a younger Gerard Butler two years before he became an A-List action star in “300,” to a record deal with Geffen Records. We know that we were joking about nepo babies earlier, and we will later, but Rossum, you ARE NOT a nepo baby; you earned that deal. Stylistically, if you were expecting the LP to be sonically MT, classical, or anything similar, think again, as this is a pop record, but with some off-kilter tunes. Surprisingly, the record barely debuted in the Billboard 200 at 199, and after a Xmas EP later that year, she was gone from the Geffen Records roster.

Finch “Say Hello To Sunshine” (2005)

This one is one of the more underrated post-hardcore, screamo-adjacent albums of the aughts and we will die on that hill, as close to the sun as possible. Temecula, California’s Finch released a classic by every sense of the word full-length studio album called “What It Is To Burn” via Drive-Thru Records in 2002, which was then a subsidiary of MCA Records, and when DTR’s deal moved to new label partner Geffen Records, Finch’s sophomore LP “Say Hello To Sunshine” came out three years later. You can try to argue against this, but you’re wrong, as this record is one of the most non-mainstream friendly major label releases ever. If Finch had played it safe, they could have made “What It Is To Burn” part 2, and would’ve had a longer career that paralleled The Used, but they listened to their hearts, bitemarks, bloodstains, and insomniatic meat.

The Like “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” (2005)

The next two mentions are the last two “nepo baby” full-length studio albums, but The Like was special because it paralleled HBO’s “Girls” in that ALL three of the band members had a successful pedigree prior to forming, putting the band above the rest from the start: frontwoman Z Berg’s father was a former, wait for it, wait for it, GEFFEN RECORDS A&R executive, and if you know much about that line of work, they literally sign the bands and assist with their respective albums. Bassist Charlotte Froom’s father was successful record producer Mitchell Froom and drummer Tennessee Thomas’ father drummed for Elvis Costello. Still, their debut record “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” would please rich fans at Coachella and rough fans at Riot Fest, and if you’re thinking what we’re thinking, you should spin their streamable music right this very minute! Once things look up, fall away.

Phantom Planet “Phantom Planet Is Missing” (1998)

A lot of people don’t know that Nicolas Cage is a member of the Hollywood dynasty family The Coppolas, but a lot of people DO know that actor/former Phantom Planet drummer/hipster icon Jason Schwartzman is, as his mom Talia Shire from “Rocky” is Francis Ford Coppola’s sister, and even she got some flak for being an early “nepo baby” in the Godfather series. Back to Schwartzman, why do so many people know about his uncheckered past? Blame the ‘net.
Anyway, Phantom Planet released just one album for Geffen Records, their debut, and it doesn’t get as much attention or fanfare as their four follow-ups, but we implore you to listen to the youthful by definition, “Phantom Planet Is Missing” if you want to hear a pre-”California” California band that had peers in Kara’s Flowers, another band that didn’t take off until they did.

Snot “Get Some” (1997)

And now for something a bit different Santa Barbara, California’s Snot’s debut full-length studio LP “Get Some” was heavy and you were probably introduced to it by your best friend in middle school with the older brother who smoked weed all the time. The record totally primed the band for a huge follow-up sophomore LP a la what System of a Down’s “Toxicity” was to their debut self-titled road warrior record, but sadly, the band’s enigmatic vocalist and frontman Lynn Strait and the iconic dog that adorned this album cover were both killed in tragic car accident just one year after this funky nu-metal record infected one head at a time in small venues and on huge Ozzfest stages. Over the course of nearly an hour, Snot rips through song after song that aggressively punches you in the gut and leaves each listener yearning for more.

Sound the Alarm “Stay Inside” (2007)

Brian Chiusano is one of the more underrated guitarists from the scene and beyond, and he has the dental and contradictory Diddy Riese pedigrees to prove it! To quote WWE icon and Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Angle, “It’s true! It’s true!” If you wanted Switchfoot to be more “Warped Tour” and less “Christian,” well do we have the album for you: Sound the Alarm’s full-length debut studio record “Stay Inside.” Lore states that the terrible music video for “Suffocating” is what did this band in, and while we won’t provide a counterargument, we still don’t get why the band didn’t rise to the heights of larger acts in a similar vein like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Mayday Parade, and The Starting Line. Picture perfect? Not really. The cream doesn’t always rise to the top, but it does form cavities. Yeah.

that dog. “Retreat from the Sun” (1997)

Rachel freaking Haden. Enough said.

Jack White Demands Trump Stop Using His Songs By Sending Campaign Cease and Desist Letter on 7”

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist letter on a one-of-a-kind 7” forbidding the Republican candidate from using his songs at campaign events, sources close to Trump confirmed.

“I couldn’t just stand and let these bigoted fascists use my songs to push their racist agenda,” said White while applying a thick layer of SPF 400 sunscreen. “I called up a few of my lawyer buddies and they brought their guitars to my studio so we could jam out and write a cease and desist letter that would rock Trump’s diaper right off his ass. I pressed it myself right here at the Third Man The plant, hand numbered it, and signed it. The B-side is three minutes of me talking about how Kid Rock is a fraud who isn’t even from Detroit. If Trump tries to flip this record on eBay for profit then he can expect a double LP in his mailbox outlining a litany of other lawsuits.”

Members of the Trump campaign found it difficult to extract any information from the record.

“We were setting up our latest rally in the great state of Pennsylvania when a guy who looks like he fought in the Civil War rode up on a horse and presented us with the package from Mr. White,” said Trump’s Deputy Director of Communications Margo Martin. “The cover art was a crudely drawn middle finger, but we had no way of playing it. I grabbed a couple of other staffers and we went to the public library to see if they had a record player we could use. Being surrounded by all those books made me sick, and I can’t wait for President Trump to take office again and do away with libraries once and for all.”

Music historian Liza Binder noted that White is just the latest in a litany of artists forbidding Trump from using their songs.

“You know things are bad for your campaign when even Nickelback doesn’t want you using their songs. If I were to list all the artists that have expressly forbid Trump from using their work then we would be here for hours, if not days,” said Binder. “At this point Trump is still legally allowed to use songs from Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and the White Knights, which was a band David Duke played guitar in for a few years before he became the Grand Wizard of the Klan. Other than that I’m not sure any other music is permitted.”

At press time, former president Trump was under fire once again for using Black Flag’s “White Minority” over footage of migrants crossing the border.

30 Fugazi Songs You Have to Pretend to Like More Than “Waiting Room”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Let’s face it, liking a legendary group’s most popular song can make you come across as an unseasoned veteran of a band’s fandom. It’ll look like you just started listening to them last week when in reality you got into them a few months ago. That’s why claiming Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” is their best song is socially risky and a major anthropological faux pas. Luckily, we’ve compiled an esteemed list of tracks you can pretend to like better in order to score those precious Fugazi points we all strive for culturally. (Read along while listening to the playlist, click here)

30. “Bad Mouth” (1989)

The verse on “Bad Mouth” almost feels “Waiting Room” adjacent, so if you’re trying to distance yourself from Fugazi’s most heralded track, this might not be the best option for playing make believe. Too suspect for our purposes, but you could do worse.

29. “KYEO” (1991)

Many consider “A Steady Diet of Nothing” to be Fugazi’s weakest release, which means you can just write all the track names down on little pieces of paper, blindfold yourself, and throw a dart to pick which one is better than “Waiting Room.” We hit “KYEO” on our first try.

28. “Back to Base” (1995)

One of the most effective ways to find your favorite non “Waiting Room” track is to skim every song in their discography for a good 15 seconds to get the gist. That being said, one-seventh of this song definitely rules.

27. “Facet Squared” (1993)

We can thank bassist Joe Lally for presumably coming up with that catchy “Waiting Room” line. It’s so good it almost makes you want to check out their other stuff, like whatever this song is. Your friend that really hates the “Fast & Furious” franchise probably loves this song

26. “Bed For The Scraping” (1995)

One of the core tenets of Fugazi is that their shows only costs five bucks. If anything, this band should reunite so people can have an affordable thing to do on a Wednesday night. In the meantime, we will all have to pay $50 just for socializing outside and pretending “Bed For The Scraping” is their pinnacle. Thanks, Fugazi.

25. “Full Disclosure” (2001)

Many will tell you that Fugazi’s last album is their best, which is rare for a band with six studio albums and a bunch of EPs. This is not something you have to worry about though since we’re only pretending that this is their best release and not whichever one has “Waiting Room.”

24. “Turnover” (1990)

Like “Waiting Room,” this song is the first track on “Repeater.” If you’re trying to look like a real fan by knowing their lesser known songs, the ones that open an album are probably not your best bet. We’re trying to make our musical taste look sophisticated and refined here.

23. “Margin Walker” (1989)

Perhaps more importantly than pretending to like any song better than the main one is the ability to pronounce Guy Picciotto’s last name correctly. Be sure to work on that before starting any Fugazi-related conversations.

22. “Reclamation” (1991)

While we’re on the topic, you should also know that Guy was also in a band called Rites of Spring. That one is pronounced like “Rights of Spring,” presumably.

21. “Bulldog Front” (1989)

This song comes immediately after “Waiting Room” on their creatively titled compilation “13 Songs.” It’s a little too obvious for what we’re going for here, but it’s still better than looking like “that” guy during Fugazi-based discussions.

20. “Repeater” (1990)

This track has the same name as the album it’s on. There are probably more mysterious Fugazi songs to pretend you prefer more than “Waiting Room,” but it’s difficult to choose from looking at song titles alone. This one is still solid though.

19. “Cashout” (2001)

“Waiting Room” is the “Love Will Tear Us Apart” of Fugazi. Characteristically, to be a respected fan of a band, you want to avoid saying your favorite song is their most popular one. That’s why Nirvana’s best song is a demo version of a B-side that was an exclusive bootleg in Japan that only 12 people have actually heard, not “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

18. “Merchandise” (1990)

Fugazi was notoriously against selling merch, so you can’t even really buy a legit shirt of theirs to bypass listening to any of their actual music. Think about us posers for a change, Ian.

17. “Epic Problem” (2001)

Since Fugazi shirts don’t exist, the best you can do is write their band name on a Gildan and call it a day. They really dropped the ball by not having an iconic logo like the Misfits, so those of us that don’t know them can actually look like a fan to strangers by wearing their official apparel.

16. “Styrofoam” (1990)

People seem to love this album, but let’s face it, it’s difficult to make time to listen to all 40 minutes of it when you have all of these Spotify Daily Mixes to catch up on.

Pages: 1 2

Nation’s Bird Watchers Finally Admit It’s Sexual

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — The National Association of Bird Lovers (NABL) finally ended years of speculation and admitted that their seemingly wholesome activity was based on nothing more than an uncontrollable sexual attraction to the winged creatures, validated sources reported.

“We know we’ve tried to convince everyone that our leisurely pastime where we spend all weekend creeping in the woods with binoculars is just a nice hobby, but it’s time to fess up and admit it simply gets our rocks off,” said President Todd Cornelius as he hid a sizeable bulge in his pants just talking about the subject. “You really thought our devotion to finding elusive beauties like the Antioquia Brushfinch was merely based on an innocent appreciation of their striking plumage? Think again. We’ve got a fever, and the only antidote is lusting after these featured little sluts.”

Eight-two-year-old Kitty LeFarge, who frequents the same park as many of the birders, shared her lingering suspicions.

“My husband Earl and I–God rest his soul–have been coming here for the past fifty years,” stated LeFarge. “At first, we thought these people were just engaging in a fun activity in the great outdoors by enjoying the fresh air and relaxing with nature. But when we observed them a little closer, we noticed that they’d let out a little moan when they spotted a bird that seemed to suit their fancy, then their hands would disappear into their cargo shorts. They should all be put on a watchlist if you ask me.”

John Dryer, manager of a local hobby store, explained that many popular interests are fronts for sexual deviance.

“These are all for perverts,” Dryer said, pointing to his entire inventory. “Bird watching, butterfly chasing, plant identification and even gardening have all been co-opted by sickos. Basically, any hobby that involves being alone outside is a breeding ground for degenerates. Makes you think twice the next time you see your neighbor tending to his favorite begonia bush, knowing he’ll probably try to bang it. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Mr. Sokowski.”

At press time, the NABL also admitted that the seeds they tempt the birds with are laced with a powerful aphrodisiac.

​​I’m the Guy Who Billy Joel Saw Fuck His Tonic & Gin, AMA!

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have the esteemed pleasure of being immortalized in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” as the guy making love to his tonic & gin. The readers of The Hard Times have submitted many questions, so let’s get right to them.

Q: Why did you call it a “tonic & gin” instead of a “gin & tonic”?

A: This was in the phase of my life when I was trying to coin new ways to say common phrases. For example, I referred to a ham & cheese sandwich as a “cheese ham and sandwich.” None of these caught on, everyone in my life hated it, and I ended up very alone.

Q: How does one “make love” to a cocktail?

A: Ah, my favorite question. It is actually a very involved process. On that particular night, I was served my cocktail in a particularly wide highball glass. So to get the proper pressure and friction, I had to wrap my firm dong in my ballsack much like a bun wraps a hotdog. You then take this bunned sausage and jam it into the glass while screaming “TONIC AND GIN! TONIC AND GIN!” I do my best to keep time with the rhythm of whatever song is playing but the drink is so cold that all caution quickly goes to the wind. Since a proper gin & tonic has plenty of ice, you only have a few seconds to mash your turgid dong in and out before everything goes south.

Q: Have you received any money for being the inspiration of “Piano Man?”

A: No, we muses fuel art but are abandoned once the art starts making money. Girlies, who can relate? Not only do I not get royalties, Billy Joel has never come back to the club. Most people don’t after they see me pork my drink.

Q: According to the song, you were an old man in 1973. How are you still alive?

A: Perverts like me exist outside of time and place. We do not conform to the limitations of the human body; we have transcended such boundaries. We will always be with you, near you, whenever you need help.

Q: Are you still a Billy Joel fan?

A: Never was. I prefer Ronnie Radke.

So-Called Punk Show Still Features Organized Ticket Line and Thorough Safety Procedures

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ATHENS, Ga. — Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s is facing backlash from confused and disappointed punks due to the apparently above-standard safety precautions, orderly ticket sales and hygiene standards at a show for folk-punk band “Sproingus” Wednesday night.

“It was atrocious,” said Sproingus vocalist and “rhythm” guitarist Alex Cromwell. “Vomit everywhere; crying, filthy, unsupervised toddlers; a dude with a head injury screaming about the government–those are all staples of punk shows, and what I expect. And this place had none of them. There were single file ticket lines, security that wasn’t taking part in the mosh pit… I think I even saw someone get carded. I mean you wouldn’t go to a Phish show and then get mad at the people selling nitrous out of balloons. It was disgraceful to the Sproingus name.”

Show-goers such as Athens scene legend Lonny “Long Lankin” Lautrec were all too eager to voice their displeasure.

“I lost my right leg at a Misfits show in ‘83,” said Lautrec, who is best known for a 1987 restraining order filed by the members of REM. “It got torn off by a gang of dudes dressed like they were in ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and then moshed up to the stage. Jerry Only picked it up and started playing it like it was a bass. He even signed it for me. It’s hanging above my fireplace at home. It kills me to think that today’s young punks might not get that same experience. Whiskey Dick’s really dropped the ball.”

For the venue staff, however, the heightened security and orderliness was not meant to ruin anyone’s good time, but simply a response from too many bad experiences.

“We love being a place where Athens punks can come and cut loose,” said bar owner and titular “Dick” Richard McGraw. “But at a certain point, you just have to be mindful. Too many of our shows have ended with some poor janitor having to go into the bathroom with a hose because someone wrote ‘party girls don’t get hurt’ on the bathroom wall in feces. We all want to be punks. But what does that mean? Is the punk rock lifestyle about being nasty and gross and vulgar? No! It’s about following the rules and staying safe. That’s how everybody has a good time.”

At press time, Sproingus was packing their gear into the 2005 Pontiac Aztek with malfunctioning airbags which serves as their tour bus.

Top 20 Oasis Songs for Starting a Lifelong Argument with Your Brother

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Winter is coming back to Michigan. The stench of the dogfood factory won’t leave your clothes. But at least Oasis is back together! Time to pretend it’s ‘90s London once again. Britpop is back, baby! Gotta nab those tickets somehow, but it begs the question – who do you bring? Perhaps your older brother Kyle, who loves them as much as you do, but you two absolutely cannot stand each other’s company for more than a half hour. Then again, you are a social recluse with few friends or contacts. Reminisce over your favorite 20 Oasis songs and possibly open a can of shit worms by sending an innocuous Oasis-related text to your brother! (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. “Wonderwall”

This was a rare bonding moment for you and your brother. Once on a bus, a busker was singing this very song, only to be derided by a drunk mob begging him to play anything else. Instead of letting the busker feel demoralized, you and your brother loudly joined, singing the entirety of “Wonderwall” on repeat for the entire bus route home. This included well past your exit, even after the busker got off. In fact, you’re not allowed to ride local transit anymore. You’re known as “The Wonderwall Boys,” there are photos of you distributed. You’d take Ubers but they’re so expensive and your job at the dogfood factory hasn’t quite blossomed into the career you were hoping for.

19. “Live Forever”

The 1994 debut album kicked off a lifelong fascination with Britpop between you and your brother. You remember when he used to pretend to have a British accent on family vacations, trying to act mysterious and from Manchester before having his cover blown by your parents. He’s still mad for the supposed cockblock you pulled on him in Disneyland. It comes up way too frequently, you actually worry that he’s not getting out much and blames you as the root for his social ineptitude.

18. “Don’t Look Back in Anger”

The one that kicked off the lifelong feud. Your brother is convinced that this is about a woman named “Sally Canwait” but sophisticated gents like yourself know this is about a woman named “Sally Can” simply being told to wait. See the difference? Anyone can see that. This fight led to a shove through a glass porch window and an altercation in front of neighbors, all while this song blasted on a loop throughout the entire cul de sac.

17. “Stand By Me”

In retrospect, the band’s third album ‘Be Here Now’ has aged well in comparison to 21st century efforts, but you’ve been here since the beginning. This familiar tune was playing when your brother pissed on burger patties you were barbecuing Fourth of July 2015. You forget the initial kernel that inspired the fight, but he completely ruined a barbecue spread you had going. You remember throwing urine-soaked charred meat at him, eventually tackling him into a swimming pool as guests politely left. This song is not on the regular rotation, firmly on the “No Play” list due to the memories conjured.

16. “Supersonic”

The reunion comes as a surprise, especially since Liam balked at ever showing up to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2024. You and your brother frequent the local dive bar, after clearing up arguments. The most recent outing came from saying “I’m feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic” over twenty times to the bartender, your brother insisting you pipe down before a fistfight ensued. Of course you both reconciled at the same bar before another brawl broke out, ad infinitum, time being a flat circle and all, caught in our dang own cycles like Oedipus with an Oasis haircut.

15. “The Masterplan”

The B-Side to “Wonderwall” was one of your favorite inclusions in their 1998 compilation album, played on repeat, mostly to drive your brother insane. By now he’d given up on Oasis, written them off as a “has been,” but you were still devoted. Kept the haircut. Had the poster taped up. Eagerly awaited news of their next tour. It was at this point that your brother got into “butt rock” post-grunge wave, a decision that has aged poorly in comparison and which you still won’t let him live down at family functions. Asking “Where’s your Puddle of Mudd shirt?” will trigger his blind rage.

14. “Half the World Away”

After you studied abroad in Amsterdam, you had a celebratory return dinner where all friends and family were invited. Much like their 1996 MTV Unplugged, your brother declined to show up due to laryngitis, only to appear several booths over smoking, drinking, and singing along with other high school hooligans. When you tried to confront your brother over the incident, he put tater tots into his ears and shouted Oasis lyrics. Unfortunately this led to a slap fight in front of your entire family, but at least you ate for free at Denny’s that night (while never being allowed to return to the Traverse City location again.)

13. “Cigarettes & Alcohol”

Your drunken wandering into howling snowstorms for booze and Camels has led to encounters with local reporters coming up to you and your brother wrestling in the middle of the road, blocking snow-plows, arguing about who is more “rock and roll.” In fact, your arguments in front of reporters are not dissimilar to the infamous 1994 argument “Wibbling Rivalry” recording (credited to Oas*s) of Liam and Noel shouting in front of a NME reporter. Your recorded argument has twice as many “shut ups” and “bullshits,” with a handful offhanded “Ya think you’re better than me?” jabs thrown in (and for some reason, sobbing).

12. “Talk Tonight”

More like, avoid talking tonight. Your brother owes you an apology. He stole your Oasis shirt! You know, the black one with the rectangular logo in the center. He stretched it out, left salty sweat stains, ripped the armpits and gave it lingering B.O. stench. What are you gonna do, go out into public without your Oasis shirt? Might as well die. Or hit him in the head with a hammer, but you wouldn’t want to endow him with musical abilities (seriously, this is how Liam learned to appreciate music, a hammer whack to the head – look it up).

11. “The Importance of Being Idle”

Just like the Gallagher brother skirmish at the Whiskey a Go-Go, you and your brother have been banned from most local music venues. This is due to excessive yelling over who will pay for beers, screaming requests at the band, light pickpocketing, and general anti-social behavior. You’ve begun to visit the smaller, DIY venues just to see live music again, usually wearing a disguise of some sort, trying to “be idle” per this track off the sixth Oasis album, 2006’s ‘Don’t Believe the Truth’. Problem is: you still pick fights with strangers, because they remind you of your stupid brother.

10. “Married with Children”

While you noticed everyone around you was getting married, having children, you thought it would be funny to spend your days consistently tweeting out photos of your rotund brother with the caption “Potato” over and over again. The relentless campaign came to a head when your brother drove over from the catfood factory to the dogfood factory to smash your windshield with a crate of potatoes. Luckily no one could understand his shouting through the windows due to his terrible attempt at a Mancunian accent.

9. “Go Let It Out”

Much like the broken guitar that represented the (second) end of Oasis in Paris onstage in 2009, you still have the broken Gameboy remnants that your brother smashed after losing a bout of Pokémon. The beautiful lime-green Gameboy bits are in a plastic bag with the other smashed memories of your childhood, including a cracked CD case for the fourth Oasis album ‘Standing on the Shoulder of Giants’. Why do you save these trinkets and mementos of pain from the past? To keep your hate for your brother alive, like the eternal flame at JFK’s grave.

8. “She’s Electric”

It’s thought that the sibling rivalry between Liam and Noel goes back to an early teen incident of Liam drunkenly peeing on Noel’s stereo. In a strange twist of events, your brother has a similar beef. It all started when you came home and took a steaming shit on his iPod speaker dock. He used to blast the second Oasis album ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ on repeat from those speakers. You weren’t even drunk, it was just a quick thoughtless decision. In fact, your brother’s anger is pretty justifiable. You’d offer to get him a new iPod speaker dock, but that’s an antique at this point.

7. “Magic Pie”

The one time you did actually get to see Oasis in 2009, your brother chanted “Magic Pie” until security escorted him out. Unfortunately he was your ride home, so you two had the opportunity to argue outside the stadium while the crowd roared along to Oasis. It hurts your soul to know you missed their final tour because of your brother’s shitty antics. Which is why you’re so happy they’ll be touring again. Time to pick up extra shifts at the dogfood factory!

6. “Cast No Shadow”

One of Liam Gallagher’s favorite songs. You love singing this one in the car, on any occasion: to the grocer, to the pub, to the post office, behind a karaoke mic with your hands clasped behind your back. Unfortunately your older brother is enraged whenever you begin songs a capella. “Leave it to the greats,” he chimes in. What does he know about music? Of course this kicks up a nasty fistfight. Anyone that happens to be with you becomes the Paul ‘Bonehead’ Arthurs of the scenario, the persistent third victim, witness to brotherly bantering.

5. “Going Nowhere”

Like your brother’s life and future, going nowhere. But you, you’re different, pal. You’ve got a fast-track to middle management at the dogfood factory. Just another 22 years, as soon as Gus the Assistant Director retires. And the owner doesn’t care for you, which is why you don’t even bother trying to impress him, instead spending lunch jamming out to this song in your car, pounding Hamm’s, hiding the cans in your trunk. Sometimes your brother even joins, but he hasn’t been invited back since getting into a fight with the parking lot security officer.

4. “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Much like Noel Gallagher eventually needing to form his own band High Flying Birds (famously redubbed as “High Flying Turds” by Liam), you decide to move out of your parent’s home and rent a studio apartment above the Domino’s on Main Street. Your brother, jealous of the newfound respect you’ve earned over such adult decisions, has moved into the apartment above the vape cartridge outlet store across the street. Every night he makes lewd gestures out his window or sophomoric hand puppets against his curtains. The truth is that this crippling sibling rivalry has led to many nights of crying alone, as cited in this song from the fifth Oasis album, 2002’s ‘Heathen Chemistry’ – just make sure your brother never finds out. He’d beat your ass if he found out you secretly loved him so much. Keep those feelings squashed way down and maintain that toxic masculine posture, king.

3. “Sad Song (Mauldeth Road West Demo, Nov ‘92)”

Much like founding Oasis drummer Tony McCaroll, your brother was there for formative early moments in your life. There are fond memories, even stellar jam sessions together, but that was until he broke your acoustic guitar and blamed it on a meteorite. Really? A meteorite, in Michigan? He maintains this lie to this very day. Not great at being confronted with wrongdoing, sticking to his guns until the very end. That’s OK: you keyed his Nissan, but blamed it on a ghost. It’s like any relationship one has to endure: the mutually accepted lies to keep cordial familiarity afloat.

2. “Champagne Supernova”

Guided by the steady bass of the enigmatic Paul McGuigan, this is a song half-familiar to infants and senior citizens alike, part of the wallpaper of modern public life. Like air, it’s everywhere. But you admit an honest kernel to your brother, one which sends him into a rage: you’ve never cared for this song. It’s a bit treacly, self-indulgent at 7 minutes, also just so overplayed. Never been a fan of the harmonium. You jump to skip this track at every occurrence, knowing this will begin a weeklong feud with your brother.

1. “I’m Outta Time”

You remember ‘Dig Out Your Soul’ was released in 2008, from the most recent Oasis album. Your brother raced home from his job at the catfood plant to purchase this vinyl. It was the last time you two bonded. Unfortunately, this was the only song you could both agree on liking, instead opting to separately nitpick the entire album. This debate ended up in tables overturned and you thrown through a screen door. Unlike the infamous cricket bat used in the 1995 Gallagher studio skirmish, a wooden broom that just happened to be laying around did some serious damage to your brother’s shins. In fact, there is trauma associated with this track. Better to maybe just play Blur tonight.

Check out the full palylist, save it, revisit it when you are down:

Transformers Ranked by How Likely They’ll Transform Into a Cybertruck

Posted on by Dan Rice

A lot of the Transformers we know and love have changed over the years. Some of those changes make sense, like cosmetic updates to their disguised vehicle forms to help them blend in. Other changes make no sense, like how a bunch of them became racist caricatures for the Michael Bay movies.

Since the Cybertruck is basically the Michael Bay movie of cars, it seems likely that for better or worse one of our favorite Autobots or Decepticons will become one, but who? We’ve ranked all the fan-favorite robots in disguise to determine which one is most likely to take part in the most nauseating cross-promotion of all time.

30. Jazz

Of all the Autobots, Jazz loved human culture the most. The key word there is “culture,” not a word that comes to mind when looking at a car that resembles PS1 graphics come to life. To quote the man himself “Do it with style or don’t bother doing it.” While Jazz the Robot is canonically deceased and voice actor Scattman Crothers is for real deceased, we doubt the Cybertruck would meet either one’s definition of “style.”

29. Arcee

While Elon Musk undoubtedly applauds Arcee for introducing gender to the cybertronian race, there’s no way in hell he’s going to let his car be a girl.

28. Optimus Prime

“Autobots, it looks like it might rain today, activate wash mode so you don’t permanently shut down and roll out!” See, that just doesn’t seem like something a leader would say. Or, like, how a car should work. Besides, he’s already died once before, the last thing Optimus needs is an accelerator that sticks.

27. Hound

Hound loves the earth more than any transformer, preferring it to his home world of Cybertron. He secretly desires to become human. The only thing less human than a Cybertruck would be Elon Musk himself, so he’s a hard pass.

26. Wheeljack

Wheeljack is the Autobot’s chief scientist, inventor, and weapons designer, and the most proficient driver in car mode. He wouldn’t be caught dead as a Cybertruck, but he does love watching the clip of its bulletproof glass shattering to lift his spirit whenever he feels fucking dumb.

25. Bumblebee

He’s the cutest transformer, and he knows it. Bumblebee is extremely aware of his personal brand and wouldn’t be caught dead associating with Musk, it just wouldn’t bode well with his demo. The last the Bee needs is another Shia in his life.

24. Ultra Magnus

Ultra Magnus is a dedicated soldier who rose to become 2nd in command of the Autobots. He was briefly the leader, but, recognizing his own shortcomings in that role, voluntarily passed the matrix of leadership down to Hot Rod. His selflessness, self-awareness, and willingness to sacrifice his own gain for the greater good are completely antithetical to all things Elon.

23. Omega Supreme

Omega Supreme was actually the original name of the Cybertruck before the Tesla board talked Musk out of it. Anyway, he’ll stick to being a badass truck with rocket launchers please, and thank you.

22. Hot Rod

Initially a souped-up sports car, Hot Rod became Rodimus Prime after succeeding Optimus as leader of the Autobots and assumed the car form of a futuristic truck. But like, a real futuristic truck, not an embarrassing behemoth that can’t even get windshield wipers right. He’s all set.

21. Soundwave

This dude is still rocking cassette tapes, so it’s unlikely he’s got enough tech-bro in him to become a Cybertruck.

20. Ratchet

Ratchet is the chief medical officer of the Autobots, meaning it’s extremely important that he gets to where he needs to be as quickly as possible. He doesn’t have time to be getting recalled every two months because it turns out his door handle stabs people or some shit.

19. Grimlock

He’s the leader of the Dinobots who, like Elon Musk, struggles with pronouns due to a lack of processing power. Though his current disguise form is that of a tyrannosaurus rex, Grimlock doesn’t want to become a Cybertruck for fear that it will make him stick out too much.

18. Sideswipe

No way. Sideswipe already has a sweet jetpack and can travel to space. Sure, Elon Musk can do that too, but Sideswipe can also land without exploding.

17. Ironhide

Ironhide is known for his strength and resiliance, so he’s unlikely to transform into a vehicle with bulletproof glass that a baseball can somehow shatter.

16. Brawl

Brawl already is the tank that sad-sack Cybertruck drivers like to pretend their car is.

Pages: 1 2

Drake Pretty Sure He Has an In at Trader Joe’s Until He Can Get Back on His Feet

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his highly publicized beef with Kendrick Lamar blows over, report the last remaining sources from within the Drake camp.

“People are gonna forget about this whole thing by winter, it’s no big deal. I figure I can just pick up a few shifts and get health insurance until I release my next album,” said Drake, who has been rumored to have asked Vanilla Ice for a feature or two. “I got a friend from back in my Degrassi era who works there and it looks pretty fun according to his Insta. I’m sure he’ll text me back any day now and I’ll shoot over a resume, which is just a photo of my awards. Oh, man. Should I change that and make a real one?”

An employee at a Los Angeles Trader Joe’s offered advice on aspiring actors and musicians who attempt to bolster their financial situation until they “make it.”

“I’ve seen it a million times–some hotshot comes in and thinks they are just gonna work for the summer until they get a record deal. Then suddenly four years pass before the blink of an eye,” recounted Renee Kaine, longtime manager of the Sunset Strip Trader Joe’s and its in-house polycule. “I don’t know who this Drake guy is, but I hope he’s ready to stock some shelves. I put my employees to work! And I swear if he tries to get any customers to check out his SoundCloud, his ass is kicked to the curb.”

Fellow rappers expressed sympathy and consolation for Drake’s difficult situation.

“I let him sleep on my couch for two nights, but he thought it was turning into a long-term thing so I had to kick him the fuck out,” said Future, who is suing Drake for being the weak link on their collaboration “What a Time to Be Alive.” “I took pity on him at first, but at a certain point you gotta take a long look in the mirror, take an unsafe dosage of percocet, and turn things around yourself. Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, get a job or something.”

At press time, reports indicate that someone strongly resembling Drake was seen passing out CD-R mixtapes near the Santa Monica pier.

I Was Legally Dead for Five Minutes and All I Saw Was a Little Man Dancing To Cool Jazz in a Weird Red Room

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

A month ago today, I was hit by a minivan in a Golden Corral parking lot. A tunnel of white light enveloped me with a warm puppy-like comfort. I didn’t plan to die that day, but I respect God’s plan for me. The light grew brighter and warmer before it shattered like one of those dang hippie lava lamps and I felt my body become solid again.

I opened my eyes and found myself in a room. Now this wasn’t just any room; red curtains surrounded the premises, three leather easy chairs, a few lamps, and a naked statue of the homeliest woman I ever saw. This was heaven?

I sat on one of the easy chairs and waited for what couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like several years. I heard the footsteps of what sounded like a child, but in danced this tiny man.

“Excuse me, sir, where’s Saint Peter?” I asked.

He smiled and in the oddest backward voice said, “I am the arm of Saint Peter. He had the strangest voice, like he was speaking backward but I understood him?

He snapped his finger and some gosh darn beatnik jazz music played.

“Let’s rock.” He snapped again and I lost control over my body. Please don’t tell my wife, but I danced with this strange little man. Was this what death is? I wasn’t sure until we sat back down and he said, “Hold out your hands”.

“Garbonzia”, he said. Then, a creamed corn-like sludge fell from above into my hands and he ate it out of my hands like a goat in a petting zoo.

Things got a bit spooky when a gaunt, stringy man with long, grey hair crawled from underneath the curtain and leaped onto me. He screamed and nibbled on my ear with a little too much pressure.

Again, please don’t tell my wife about this, she’ll insist I go to therapy again.

I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then a giant kraut the height of two Larry Birds rubbed my shoulder and told me, “See you again in twenty-five years.”

I woke up in the ICU and learned I was legally dead for five minutes. For years, when anyone asked about my near-death experience, I just told them about the warm white light; I couldn’t bear to ruin folks’ preconceived notions about hell.