You finally did it, after watching countless hours of home renovation videos on YouTube you finally finished your sex dungeon. Now it’s time to convince some of your more adventurous friends to come over and try out some of the amenities. To set the perfect mood you are going to need the right soundtrack, and that absolutely should consist of a single song from Jimmy Eat World, it makes absolutely no sense to play any of their songs while sucking, fucking, or both at the same time. But here are the 15 worst songs for your foray into the world of BDSM. (Listen along to the playlist)
15. “Let It Happen”
The simple fact of the matter is this song is a bit too upbeat for any sex dungeon playlist. Everyone knows that darker music fits the mood better. Also, this song has multiple moments where the vocals could sound like mocking laughter. Maybe this works for someone with a humiliation kink, but most people will find it distracting.
14. “Feeling Lucky”
A song with a lyric “Suck that lucky feeling out of me” might seem like a fit for your filthy fuck palace, but the fact of the matter is there are going to be a few people who aren’t “feeling so lucky” because their Dom just hooked a car battery up to their nipples. They claim they like it, but the screaming makes everyone uncomfortable.
13. “For Me This Is Heaven”
This is a song you put on a mix tape for your crush back in high school. Back then it was much easier for you to get off. This song would just serve as a reminder of more innocent times, when simple penetrative sex was all it took, you would find yourself humming along while a large man in boots grinds his heel into your balls and be so distracted you wouldn’t feel a thing.
12. “Please Say No”
If “No” is your safe word then you are going to ruin the sex dungeon experience for everyone. Think of something more creative. A word that people don’t use in passing conversation all that often. Try words like “Caveman” or “Sweetness” instead. If this song was written by Trent Reznor and was about some sort of sodomy then it would be a good fit, but Jimmy Eat World still has yet to write their sodomy anthem.
11. “Action Needs An Audience”
This song title makes a lot of assumptions about the types of people you will be inviting over. Yes, some people are going to want an audience when they are flogged, gagged, or being mocked for their tiny, almost invisible penis, but some people still want to be flogged, gagged, and have their tiny, almost invisible penis mocked in private.
10. “23”
Sure this song might seem like a good idea at first, it’s a bit slow and somber. But inevitably someone in your sex dungeon is going to be a huge fan of Michael Jordan. They will start harping about how Lebron and Kobe are trash compared to Jordan. It’s going to really ruin the vibe, sports and bondage do not mix.
9. “Closer”
If this were the the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name you would be in business. Great choice for your playlist, but instead this song is a mid-paced rock song that never once mentions fucking anyone like an animal. A complete miss by Jimmy Eat World here.
8. “Blister”
Oh no, your Dom bought a new pair of boots and she didn’t break them in properly. This song reminds them that they need some quick help fixing their new footwear so they don’t get a painful blister. This unassuming rock song is now the reason you are on all fours shining a pair of thigh-high boots with your tongue.
7. “Stop”
Another bad choice for a safe word. And the song itself is too light for the nasty things you and your associates do on a nightly basis. If you can imagine this song being played while you have your entire fist in someone’s anus then you might be even more depraved then you realize.
6. “Pain”
This song title is a bit on the nose, and honestly it doesn’t deliver. If you are going to have a song called “Pain” you want it to have a Type O-Negative and be some sort of instruction manual about how to ratchet up the pain to deliver the ultimate pleasure, which is of course a massive orgasm that is no problem at all thanks to the high end flooring you installed that is easily cleaned, and prevents slipping.
5. “The Middle
Yeah this is a great song for almost any playlist. But there is a huge problem having it on your sex dungeon playlist. Everyone is going to start singing along, tapping their toes, and bopping their heads for the entirety of the song. Is that what you want? A fun time singing with friends? Or do you want to humiliate each other sexually to the point you don’t make eye contact if you see each other in public? Thought so.
4. “Cut”
Here is another song that you think might actually fit in with the theme. Surely you have a couple friends that are into knife play. But our friends in Jimmy Eat World say “I’m sorry” way too many times in this song, and this dungeon is not a place for remorse, it’s a well ventilated place for absolute depravity.
3. “Bleed American”
The title track from Jimmy Eat World’s breakout album is an absolute classic, and this album also came out a few months before 9/11 and the album was then renamed “Jimmy Eat World” following the attacks. Why is this a big deal in your dungeon? Because one person is surely going to know that fact and start talking about how jet fuel can’t melt steel beams while you are being suspended from your testicles.
2. “Pass The Baby”
The song title alone is enough to make this a terrible choice. If you can’t get a babysitter then you cannot be in the sex dungeon, that’s one of the only rules you have and if anyone argues with that then maybe you need to alert the authorities.
1. “Hear You Me”
This song is about a person who died in a car crash who was friends with Jimmy Eat World. There are a lot of kinks out there, but most reasonable people don’t want to be thinking about the tragic loss of life while being pegged.
Short of kicking out Kelly’s boyfriends, Al Bundy doesn’t really take much interest in his kid’s lives. If it’s not Psycho Dad or something No Ma’am affiliated, the likelihood of him showing up to your show is pretty slim. After a long day of selling women’s shoes at the mall, which leads us to ask how in God’s name he was able to afford his house, a man is entitled to sit on the couch with his hands down his pants. As we get closer and closer to middle-aged, we’re starting to see why doing that is so appealing.
If it’s not related to sports, we can’t see Ray taking any sort of interest. His kids mostly seemed like they were background characters anyway, so who even knows if music is something they’d be interested in. The writers didn’t really do much in the way of exploring those characters beyond them being Ray and Debra’s kids, so that’s really more on the writers for not taking the time to develop them more. If anything, he and Debra should be using that time to attend couples counseling because that marriage was clearly on a downward slope.
To his credit, for lack of understanding his son (his words not ours) he is generally supportive of Bobby’s endeavors, even if it’s only as the result of Peggy forcing him to. But even the most supportive parents have their limits and we’re pretty sure that Hank Hill wouldn’t even qualify drone metal as music. Bluegrass, country, classic rock, and even the occasional boy-band are more his speed. Besides, he’d probably spend the whole evening complaining how asinine the whole thing is. You could try pointing out the pyrotechnics are powered by propane, but he may not approve of propane being used in such a manner and rat you out to the fire marshall.
Neither of the Griffin parents are an example of good parenting. Given that Peter openly hates Meg, goes out of his way to avoid spending any real time with Chris, and has foisted parenting duties for Stewie onto his dog, he’s probably going to spend the whole evening at the Drunken Clam. Also, it’s canon that he’s a KISS fan so drone metal will probably sound like a robot with diarrhea to him. This is likely for the best as he’ll likely spend your entire set insisting you play ‘Surfin Bird.’ Which sounds like a good cover on paper, but your band doesn’t do covers.
Since the story of how he met your mother took about seven years to tell, there’s a good chance that you’re not making the show either. And, to be frank, this is starting to become a problem. We don’t want to say there’s talk of you being kicked out of the band, but let’s just say your frequent absences and lateness have not gone unnoticed. Seriously, get your shit together, we told you when we invited you to join the group we needed someone reliable and we’re not buying those bullshit excuses that your dad won’t stop telling you his goddamn story.
Guy Blank appears to have locked-in syndrome or something so, this is a hard no. Maybe if he were still fully in control of his mental and physical capacities, there’s a chance. But, it’s hard to imagine a guy whose only daughter becomes a boozer, a user, and a loser was the best parent. Again, we’re just speculating, but there are studies that support this theory.
At the time of this writing there’s a strong possibility he’s either in prison or a fugitive from the law. Not that this is any kind of real excuse for him not being more present in your life. Your therapist has been over this time and time again that this is toxic behavior and it’s detrimental to your own personal growth and self-esteem to make excuses for him. Sure, you’re expected to be a character witness at his fraud trial, but God-forbid he makes just a little time for you. He had a one-armed guy teach his kid’s life lessons by traumatizing them. When are you going to come to your senses and just cut him out of your life already?
You’re probably wondering why we’re ranking the frontman of the Rippers so low. Allow us to explain: first of all, he’s an Elvis guy so drone metal probably isn’t his jam. Secondly, he’s probably too busy hanging out with the Beach Boys. What was the deal with that anyway? Did the Tanner’s have dirt on them or something? They just always were inexplicably at their house. The series really should’ve done more to address that.
Oh where do we begin with this piece of shit. Even if he did come to your show, he’d probably try and steal some of the door money and take and use all your drink tickets to buy appletinis, which we’re sure the bartender at a metal venue is not going to enjoy making. Plus, would you really want him there, awkwardly hitting on girls half his age and genuinely making you wish your mom went through with the abortion? Fuck this human parasite.
Did he have a name? We can’t remember and our internet connection is kind of shitty so Googling it wasn’t really an option. Actually, we don’t really know much about him. That show was a little before our time and we weren’t really in the target demographic. Maybe we shouldn’t have included him on this list, but we kind of needed to pad the numbers. We’re sorry.
Homer has been shown to have appreciation for rock music, so he’s got that in his favor. Also, he took his kids to the show’s in-universe version of Lollapalooza, which let’s be honest, most of our dad’s probably wouldn’t have done that for us. Sure he might be quick to anger, and a borderline alcoholic, but at his core, he does legitimately care for his children. He’s already got tinnitus so he won’t really have much to complain about noise-wise. Just make sure he doesn’t find out about drink tickets because, well as we mentioned earlier with borderline alcoholism.
Not only will he be there, he’s probably fronting the money to host the show. Now, before you go giving Frank platitudes for supporting the Philly metal scene, it’s probably that he’s got ulterior motives if footing the bill for this one. Expect to see Wolf Cola being heavily promoted and sketchy bridge people in the crowd. Okay, the latter crowd would probably feel right at home come to think of it. Though, you should probably tell the doorman not to let Pondy in. Either way, don’t expect to get paid for this gig.
Yes, with a but. That but being that it only if it were for Ross. Throughout the series, they seemed to indulge his every whim and shortsighted decision to the point that it likely severely stunted his emotional growth and development as an adult. We figure that’s the only reason for Ross’s increasingly bizarre, childish, and selfish behavior throughout the series. Come to think of it, Ross seemed to be a mostly absent Dad for his kid, so maybe we should be asking if he would have gone.
Danny Tanner’s attempts to prove to his kids that he is still their ‘rad, bad, dad’ range from cringe to downright traumatizing. So, as much as you try to fight it, he will be there front-row center, and probably trying to clean your pedal board mid-set due to his undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. At the same time, he seems to have an inability to allow his kids to spread their wings and grow, so there’s a chance he won’t approve of drone metal and force you to quit the band. If that happens, just tell him he doesn’t love you anymore and that you hate him and he’ll cave and no one will really learn anything.
Like it or not, he’s coming. He will wear a band tee, probably make a sign or something, tell everyone there he’s your dad, and then injure himself attempting to stage dive in violation of the venue’s strict policy on that. His attempts to fit in will result in something that will come across as embarrassing at best and extremely racist at worst. The best thing you can do in this situation is take advantage of enthusiasm by getting him to work the merch table or lug all the gear. You can justify this by saying you’re doing it for his own advantage, which likely isn’t far off.
What’s new is always bad and what’s bad is always new… this adage can be applied to your grubby klezmer band named after your cousin’s trapper keeper, but it cannot and should not refer to Cake’s sixth/latest LP as of now known as “Showroom of Compassion.” You want passion, it’s always in fashion! Anyway, Cake’s discography may have some meh songs but the band doesn’t have a bad album; no no no. And, in the Easter egg to end all Easter eggs, the final track on “Showroom of Compassion,” the simply and elegantly named “Italian Guy” clocks in at, wait for it, three minutes and eleven seconds. For the plebs in the room, that’s freaking 311! That number inspired more teen pregnancies than it should have but also didn’t. In closing, this is Cake’s lone independent release because they’re independent men.
2004 was an incredible year for the world in both politics and music: GW “Nepo Baby Of Babies” Bush became our nation’s vice dictator for the second of two terms, which proved Relient K’s 2004 blockbuster “American Idiot” title track correctly in spades for all Moses’ in Urban Spaces. Dick Cheney may want a word with you, me, and everyone we know. Cake’s fifth album “Pressure Chief” was also released that year of all things years, but other Cornerstone acts sadly superseded it. Still, Cake has a high caloric amount of super fans, all of which are prescribed Ozempic, and “Pressure Chief” won one or more for the Gipper! The band’s last major label release, and literal conglomerate LP to hit stores (remember those?) altogether debuted at an impressive seventeen on the Billboard 200, proving that the Sacramento icons had many in the palm of their hands.
Rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle up so close: 1994 was the true year that punk rock broke through the mainstream with such blockbuster bands as The Offspring, Green Day, Rancid, and Anal Cunt getting a flurry of radio acclaim. In addition, incredible movies like “Pulp Fiction,” “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Forrest Gump,” and “Citizen Kane” were also released said supernatural year. It’s interesting to note, and we use the word “interesting” to describe an ugly painting, that Cake started their full-length studio album career in the nineteen ninety four with an album that was “interesting” in an interesting way. Yeah. Fun fact: This album was recorded at a place called Pus Cavern. Yeah part 2. Anyway, ardent supporters of desserts, sweets, and vegemite may scoff at this “low” rating, but that’s show business, baby!
Cake’s fourth album is their best album from this century BY FAR and not just because of a short jacket and long skirt, but because the songs are consistent quality-wise, making this LP the first to be mentioned here with nearly zero filler; shadow stab us if you disagree, we will still LOATHE you madly. Deservedly, this album went gold, which during this century is a huge accomplishment, and contains their best song title, albeit not best song, in “Meanwhile, Rick James…”. Speaking of colored awards, single #1 from “Comfort Eagle,” “Shirt Skirt, Long Jacket” went platinum and we ain’t mad about it; nay nay nay. If you have the chance, watch its music video even if you’ve seen it before.
Cake’s third album altogether/last of three ‘90s efforts, contains one of their biggest, if not biggest hit single, at least chart wise, “Never There”; you are never ever there and we are never ever sorry. Also, we posit the supreme and earth-shattering opinion that this album’s opener, “Satan Is My Motor,” is not only the band’s finest opening track (sorry, Nancy Sinatra), but also the best song in their vastly superior sonic catalog; hear our motor caaaall. “You Turn The Screws” is almost as good, and “Sheep Go To Heaven” is the most haunting and gorgeous portrayal of livestock this side of the Mississippi. Back to “Never There”: Its opening line truly sucks you in from the start and the badass riffery/horn lines keep ya guessing/stressing. You may be more of a McNugget than a Copperfield, but this album is for everyone!
The only “no skip” release of Cake’s career, which is likely your gateway drug to this band, whether you tools are willing to admit it or not, “Fashion Nugget” is an all killer no filler of a sophomore LP, and wins the gold here, whilst Frank Sinatra sings “stormy weather” sans Daniels. The world wasn’t prepared for a mainstream assault of spoken word musings with a trumpet sans upstrokes, but the band was thinking of someone for whom the world still burns, and created a studio album worth surviving for; to quote Kurt Angle, “It’s true! It’s true!” We may get hate for this, but “Fashion Nugget” also contains perhaps, perhaps, perhaps the best lineup of Cake of their career, and that’s all we have to say about that, except it isn’t. In conclusion, friend is a four letter word and we can’t spell and/or speak English good.