Black Metal Band Therapist Suggests Series of Team-Building Church Burning Activities

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.

“This will play an integral role in getting the band back to the cohesive, effective unit that they used to be,” therapist Sonya Jensen provided. “They had come to me complaining about their recent inability to reach common ground with their songwriting, so I suggested incorporating activities with shared objectives into their regular church burnings that will bring them into a more aligned style of thinking that will undoubtedly pay dividends in the studio. They’re really having a blast, pun intended.”

Frontman Anders Lund eagerly followed Jensen’s instructions.

“We’ve really lost the true essence of evil that inspired the filth and repulsion of our earlier works, and I’m hoping this will help regain it,” Lund offered while geocaching for the lighter and gasoline needed for their latest venture. “The purpose of our music is to drain the faith of every Christian infecting this cursed planet, and we can’t do that until we’re able to come together as a team. I never would have thought using a GPS app to locate the tools we need to destroy this grotesque house of the Crucified One would be what we needed, but I’m already feeling closer to my bandmates. I can’t wait to hear the newest collection of hellfire-forged hatred we will create after this.”

Fan Marissa Lowell was optimistic about the band’s efforts.

“Their last few albums were definitely lackluster, so if it takes the band conducting a scavenger hunt in the ruins of a church they’ve just razed to the ground, I’m all for it,” Lowell said. “I never would’ve thought that’s what they needed to return to the genius of their debut EP ’Cult of Unholy Perversions,’ but then again, I’m not a therapist. I’m really looking forward to hearing how this affects their next album. Hopefully it’s not a repeat occurrence of the therapist session in Metallica’s ‘Some Kind of Monster’ documentary, because we all know how that turned out.”

At press time, Jensen suggested a band outing to happy hour at TGI Fridays to talk through the drummer’s feelings of wanting to murder the guitarist and make a necklace out of fragments of his skull.

Every Machine Head Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Machine Head are an Oakland-based groove metal band formed in 1991 by guitarist and vocalist Robb Flynn at a Metallica show. The band’s lineup has been in flux since its inception, but its best and most well-known lineup is Flynn, lead guitarist Phil Demmel, bassist Adam Duce, and drummer Dave McClain. Besides being the primary creative direction, Flynn is also known for stuffing natural harmonics in his songwriting. As such, Machine Head’s tablature has more diamonds than an African mine. Flynn also likes his online interactions like he likes relationships with former bandmates—bitterly antagonistic. Anyhow, I guess we’re gonna let freedom ring with a shotgun blast by exploring the band’s ten records.

10. Bloodstone & Diamonds (2014)

Like a Tesla in self-driving mode, Machine Head refused to stay in their lane. As such, their unfocused eighth album finds them having an identity crisis. They’re still a groove metal band at their core, which is why the experimentation here—strings, keyboards, some bouncy djent—sounds like two different bands. Worse yet, “Bloodstone & Diamonds” mostly operates in mid-tempo, making its 71 minutes kind of a slog to get through. It’s unfortunate, because there are several terrific melodies here, some nifty riffing, and some of Flynn’s most venomous (read: best) vocals to date. The latter’s fitting, because his political criticism is as biting as ever: “Live to buy, or time to die / It’s all for sale on credit lines / Until the fucking end of time / Shackled to the dotted line.” Ultimately, much of “Bloodstone” is wasted potential, making it the band’s most frustrating full-length.

Play it again: the title track
Skip it: “Sail into the Black”

9. Catharsis (2018)

This isn’t the rap-metal disaster you’ve heard it is. Rather, the majority of “Catharsis” answers the Mad Libs-esque question, “What if Imagine Dragons tried nu metal?” Indeed, this is an overlong pop-metal album in the most literal sense: the emphasis here is on inviting melodies and gigantic choruses, and in that regard it’s a success. The record’s real strength, though, lies in some of Flynn’s best-ever writing. Topical stuff—“Wall Street and the billionaires / Convinced us they’re so smart / Saying, ‘Vote with your wallet / Instead of with your hearts’”—is generally sharp, but it’s the story songs about drug dealing and Louis XI that are truly engaging. This bears the least resemblance to the band, yes, but its focused nature makes for a more coherent and more satisfying work than “Bloodstone.” In reality, “Catharsis” is a good album, but not a good Machine Head album.

Play it again: “Volatile”
Skip it: “Eulogy”

8. Supercharger (2001)

Machine Head’s fourth outing is their other scatterbrained one. On the one hand, “Supercharger” is a fascinating exploration of (presumably) Flynn’s psyche growing up (“When drawing stick-men of pornographic men and women / Thinking all the time there’s something wrong with me”) and the accompanying shitty behavior (“I was that kid prank-calling your girlfriend / Couldn’t get a goddamn date”). On the other, it’s an album of growing pains wherein the band tries to let go of nu metal and return to groove metal, resulting in a quasi-schizophrenia to the proceedings. Yet, it’s a mostly-successful endeavor, thanks to this being their best-played and best-sounding record to this point. Neat riffs and some stellar drumming almost save it. But “Supercharger”’s true notoriety is its lead single, “Crashing Around You,” being released just before 9/11, an event more unfortunately timed than Kublai Khan’s invasion of Japan.

Play it again: “Bulldozer”
Skip it: “Deafening Silence”

7. The Burning Red (1999)

This is the band’s worthwhile nu metal-infused record—yes, that’s a thing if you’re a nostalgic Millennial—and it’s more fun than you remember. That’s despite the awkward sorta-rapping, the brief foray into trip-hop (!?), and the overachieving-high-schooler poetry (“See my fate, underestimate / I intoxicate while you emulate”) likely aimed at the disaffected youth this was made for. Fittingly, Flynn largely sets aside politics and world events, and instead writes like the record’s key demo (“Emptiness fills inside me / Bitterness has denied me / Faith that this world / Could ever really give a shit”). But “The Burning Red” isn’t a downer, because there’s a whole lotta groove, plenty of enjoyable riffing (perhaps thanks to new lead guitarist Ahrue Luster), and even a handful of songs with something approaching a hook. “Burning” may be dated—especially due to the brittle mix—but it’s still better than most metal bands’ late-’90s trend-chasing.

Play it again: “From This Day”
Skip it: the title track

6. ØF KINGDØM AND CRØWN (2022)

Machine Head’s tenth record offers a bit of everything: multi-part prog-groove, soaring and/or dueling leads, hooky melodies, festival-metal choruses, gnarly riffing, balladeering, and thrashy galloping. Guitarist Wacław Kiełtyka (of Decapitated) and session drummer Navene Koperweis breathe new life into the band, making this the most alive MH has sounded in more than a decade—especially the drumming, the most impressive of the band’s career—and it’s a shame this lineup didn’t last. “ØF KINGDØM AND CRØWN” is also notable for being the band’s first concept album. It’s a story-cycle about lost love and killing sprees—i.e., standard fare for Machine Head—but Flynn still finds room for timely political commentary: “Fracking ripping holes in the soil / Fossils of centuries; spill our mother’s sacred oil.” This record is an excellent sample-platter of the band and is, thus, the easiest entrypoint into their catalog.

Play it again: “CHØKE ØN THE ASHES ØF YØUR HATE”
Skip it: “KILL THY ENEMIES”

5. Burn My Eyes (1994)

Machine Head’s debut LP established hallmarks of the quartet’s sound and career, including a penchant for harmonics, trading solos, speeding up for a song’s final section, and snarling socio-political commentary. Of that last one, Flynn basically spends the whole time ranting about corruption everywhere: religion, government, media, the justice system, etc. “Fed up with this whole system / It’s gone on far too long” works as a makeshift thesis, and it’d be subtitled “An open mind with a closed fist.” The lean songwriting and arrangements, meanwhile, allow the riffs room to shine. The only real downside is drummer Chris Kontos: he’s an excellent musician, but he plays like an over-tightened screw, and his stiffness holds the band back. Still, like Pantera’s “Cowboys from Hell,” “Burn My Eyes” is a landmark in groove metal, and one of the most important metal albums of the ’90s.

Play it again: “Davidian”
Skip it: “Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies”

4. The More Things Change… (1997)

Machine Head’s sophomore effort is an upgraded version of their debut by being thrashier and angrier. The musicianship is improved and more confident—including newcomer McClain on drums, who lends some much-needed looseness—the riffs are sharper, and the arrangements are smarter and more complex. In other words, “The More Things Change…” is what “Burn My Eyes” shoulda been. Flynn, meanwhile, seems to be more frustrated than an incel on Tinder (“My faith has waned / Because I feel the strain / In my eyes it’s all gone wrong”) because of the continually-broken system (“I got a friend might not walk again / And your laws never helped at all / Go fuck your clause, your probable cause / Power-trippin’ above us all”). “Burn” may be the more important record, but this is the superior one, and the band’s best of the decade.

Play it again: “Take My Scars”
Skip it: “Violate”

3. Through the Ashes of Empires (2003)

Luster left in 2002, and then MH lost all traces of nu metal. Helluva coincidence there. “Through the Ashes of Empires,” then, is fantastic thrashy, proggy groove metal—i.e., what they should be doing. Here, Demmel replaces Luster, and Demmel’s presence is felt immediately in flashy leads and tasteful soloing. With inspirational lyrics like “Love will be my rock / The rock that I stand on” and “Let go your sorrow / Sun will shine, this I promise,” “Through” might be MH’s most positive record—though, keep in mind the bar to clear that is sitting in a deep hole. Lest we forget who we’re discussing, much of the album finds Flynn further working through a tortured upbringing that’d make Tomás de Torquemada flinch. Operating at near-peak capacity, they’d take this energy and somehow improve with the follow-up (see #1).

Play it again: “Imperium”
Skip it: “Wipe the Tears”

2. Unto the Locust (2011)

This is essentially a sleeker version of “The Blackening” (see below). At 48 minutes, “Unto the Locust” is their shortest album to date. The record has a stronger melodic focus than its predecessor, with bigger and more memorable choruses, but is no less technical or flashy. Perhaps the band was tired of seeing people grabbing a beer during the ninth and tenth minutes of individual songs on the previous tour. That pairs well with the exhaustion found throughout: “Take the ache beneath my bones / Peel the skin away and leave my body exposed / No grace awaits this broken soul.” That said, there’s some cautious optimism to the proceedings: “So pray to music, build a shrine / Worship in these desperate times.” “Unto” is the band’s last classic, as well as the last with the classic lineup.

Play it again: “Locust”
Skip it: The final minute or so of “Who We Are”

1. The Blackening (2007)

Witness 61 killer minutes of impressive groove metal played with a shit-eating grin, and Machine Head being justified in doing so. All four members peaked at the same time, resulting in this stunner of an album. It’s stuffed full of technical-yet-catchy riffs, dueling leads, and catchy melodies. (The band recorded covers of “Battery” and “Hallowed Be Thy Name,” which is a handy short-hand for the record’s songs.) Lyrically, this is an aggressively-topical record, with the Iraq War being a major throughline: “’Cause blood is their new currency / And oil pumps the heart of money.” There’s also a fucked up love song, anger over an awful take on Dimebag’s murder, and criticism of religion—normalcy, in other words. “The Blackening” remains the band’s finest hour, as well one of the century’s best metal releases.

Play it again: “Wolves”
Skip it: the final 45ish seconds of “Aesthetics of Hate”

Local Man Still Riding High Off Successfully Recommending Band in 2016

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local resident Calvin Davenport continues to experience unprecedented levels of euphoria nearly a decade after successfully recommending midwest emo band Dad Pants to his college roommate Drew Patterson, despite his life being in complete disarray.

“You know, people always say the happiest moment in your life is holding your newborn in your arms, and yeah, that was pretty cool,” said Davenport, before he pulled up the screenshot of Patterson’s text that read “Dude, it’s really good. Thanks for sending it.” “But nothing compares to knowing you’ve introduced a true musical treasure into someone’s life that they never would have known about otherwise. Sure, my ex-wife got full custody and I’m being sued by three different credit card companies, but every time I think about Drew’s first listen to Dad Pants, I get this warm feeling that just washes over my whole body. This is the meaning of life.”

Patterson was bewildered by Davenport’s apparent elation.

“I’m just confused. He’s unemployed, divorced, and had to move back in with his parents,” said Patterson, shifting uncomfortably after running into Davenport at a 7-Eleven. “Yet despite all this, he’s always weirdly cheerful when I see him and immediately brings up the band he showed me like eight years ago. And to be honest, I listened to maybe two songs and thought they were fine but nothing to write home about. I sent him a polite text and somehow that became his entire personality. I just don’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t life-changing. He just seems so happy.”

Dr. Marcus Chen, lead researcher at Portland State University’s Department of Neuroscience, believes Davenport’s case could revolutionize mental health treatment.

“Traditional antidepressants may soon be obsolete,” noted Dr. Chen, methodically documenting Davenport’s dopamine and serotonin levels. “Our research suggests that the neural response to a perceived successful music recommendation is more powerful than any pharmaceutical intervention we’ve studied. We’re already developing a new form of therapy where clinically depressed patients are paired with people who will pretend to enjoy their Spotify playlists.”

At press time, Davenport was seen smiling contentedly after remembering that he once successfully recommended a local Mexican restaurant to a friend.

Happy New Year! My Wife’s Leaving Me for a Puppeteer

Posted on by Travis Tack

Wow, what a year it’s been! I hope this letter finds you happy, healthy, and not being cuckolded. Because I was cuckolded this year, and let me tell you, it’s not as fun as the internet makes it seem.

Looking back, 2024 was a year full of growth and change. For example, my wife changed our relationship status, and I grew sad.

As we ring in 2025, I’d like to thank all of the people who suggested I hire a puppeteer to perform at my birthday. That was a great idea… It’s hard to believe that at this time last year, I was having dinner with my wife and she was telling me all about the interesting man she’d met at my party. She was telling me how “smart” he was and how much she thought I’d like him.

Boy was she wrong about that!

But let’s talk about something I do like: New Year’s Eve! It’s the one night we’re present in the moment and free from obligation. The one night when we dance because we want to dance, and not because some mysterious person is pulling our strings while they sleep with our wives.

New Year is a time for resolutions. You could choose to drink less alcohol, or give up red meat, or — just throwing this out there — stop having sex with my wife. Because none of us are perfect. Like me: I’m going bald, I’m not great at sex, and apparently, our dog prefers the puppet-guy. Also, I’m currently being investigated for securities fraud. But do I let that get me down? Of course, I do.

It’s been a tough year for all of us. A wise man once said: “There are two types of pain. The pain that hurts, and the pain that changes you”. But it turns out, there is a third type of pain – a pain you can only understand when your wife has sex with a puppeteer and then the SEC raids your house.

Luckily, it’s never too late to try something new! For a couple of months, I even considered getting into puppetry myself. I bought a $300 marionette and now it’s sitting in my garage, silently judging me as I run the car with the door closed.

As we close out this year, I encourage you to take a moment to look back on all of your achievements this year. For instance, I earned a promotion at work! But then the executives blamed me for a bunch of financial crimes so that’s sort of a wash.

If you’re going out this year, try to stay safe. And if you’re hosting a party, don’t invite street performers into your home. Did I mention that I confronted the guy in November and he tried blaming it all on his puppet?

Happy New Year!

Chaos in Times Square as Millions of Baby Spiders Hatch From NYE Ball

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Chaos and panic overwhelmed Times Square after the famous New Year’s Eve ball unexpectedly hatched causing revelers to be showered with millions of spiders, sources at the scene have confirmed.

“This black, ambiguous mass emerged from the ball like some kind of Eldritch horror and we all thought it was some kind of mixed reality advertisement for something dumb like body wash. But no, it was six million fucking banana spiders from the depths of hell and now it’s straight up mayhem. A knockoff Elmo just self-immolated and half the crowd is trying to escape into a single Duane Reade,” said terrified onlooker Mark Chesney. “Though seeing Ryan Seacrest falling through a manhole cocooned in spiderwebs was pretty amazing, we’re all certain this is the end times. Tell my wife I love her and don’t open the windows!”

City maintenance crews attempted to hold back the horde after it became clear help wasn’t arriving.

“Of course the mayor’s office took the lowest bid for this year’s countdown ball and we obviously got what we paid for. I knew something was up when we were installing it and it sounded like it was alive,” said sanitation worker Scott DeMaio. “The cops weren’t going to help until I told them spiders were trying to jump the subway turnstiles, but all they did was shoot indiscriminately into the air while running away. It looks like once again the sanitation team and our brooms are the last line of defense between chaos and civilization.”

Pest exterminators were brought in to assess the situation, though the outlook was bleak.

“Oh yeah, if you import anything from south of the equator, you’re bound to get some stowaways. These little buggers aren’t poisonous but damn are they nasty looking, so I don’t blame these folks for all the clawing and trampling. My brother in Tucson had the same problem when their countdown ball cracked open and out came a whole army of those horned lizards that shoot blood from their eyes,” said Frank Lambowski. “I’d have to use a three-year supply of poison to kill them all, so the best I can do is spray down the trains to keep them from escaping into New Jersey.

As of press time, Governor Hochul declared a state of emergency and asked FEMA to release 900,000 bats into the city to eat the spiders.

Total Loser Spends New Year’s Eve Partying and Having Fun With a Bunch of People in Magical Night They’ll Never Forget

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NEW YORK — Total loser Jay Draboll plans to spend his entire New Year’s Eve partying with friends in what will be deemed an unforgettable night, confirmed sources from their couch.

“I’m going to get blackout drunk so it’ll be an extra memorable evening,” said Draboll while buying novelty 2025 glasses. “There’s going to be friends, booze, games, barnyard animals, carnival rides, candle-making classes, a Danny DeVito lookalike, basket-weaving tutorials, meth, a Gin Blossoms cover band, Settlers of Catan tournament, illegal gambling, Civil War reenactors, Jake Paul’s security guard, bath salts, LARPing, Russian roulette, model train demonstrations, and a live tiger. Sure, it might sound like a small affair to some, but it’s the little things that make me happy. Plus, I get to binge drink and no one is allowed to judge me for it. What a time to be alive and intoxicated.”

Friends of Draboll wished he wasn’t such a nerd when it came to holidays.

“What kind of dork parties on New Year’s Eve with a close group of 50 friends?” said longtime pal Derek Volcan without breaking eye contact with his television. “Me on the other hand, I cannot wait to take an edible, eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and stream ‘Alf’ with my cat before nodding off at 9:30 p.m. and getting a good night’s sleep. It’s going to be the best evening of the year even though it looks identical to every other night of the last 365 days. Besides, the last time I went to a party I accidentally made three or four new friends. Gross.”

Experts highlighted a “to each their own” strategy when it comes to the last holiday of the year.

“Partying is unique to each individual,” said social psychologist Dwayne Mars. “Some prefer the company of as many people as possible to distract from the existential dread of another year’s passing and the realization that we are closer to death. Others actually embrace the nothingness of life and just want to believe that New Year’s Eve is just another day. Either way, we are all losers on the inside.”

At press time, total dweeb Draboll already had plans to sleep in until 3:00 p.m. and order Thai on New Year’s Day to nurse his inevitable hangover.

Look, There’s a Lot Happening in the World Now but I Really Think You Should Give Frank Zappa Another Listen

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Endless wars. Corporate Greed. Decline of living wages. There are many societal woes in this country that continue to get worse with little positivity in sight. Many issues feel out of our control. Still, there is one issue that remains in your control, and it’s your refusal to check out my Zappa recommendations.

I know we’ve been through this before, but I really think you will enjoy his work if you heard the right tracks. You probably haven’t heard the best stuff. He released sixty-two albums and a hundred twenty-nine more posthumously. I refuse to believe that you bothered to give all of that a listen. His ability to blend genres is far too vast for you to hear a couple of songs and go “I’m done here. He’s just trying too hard to be weird and coming off pretentious”.

As you fear for the future of this country and planet as a whole, take a few hours out of each day to appreciate the soothing music of complex time signatures mixed with kazoo sounds. Lots of great orchestral jazz adjacent experimental work from albums like Hot Rats, Lumpy Gravy, Civilization Phaze III, and ofcourse, Jazz From Hell. I know you said before that you are not into long instrumental jazz pieces with improv dialogue, especially how one features the comedy of uh, Michael Rapaport, but what if I told you that the music sometimes sounded like a Fred Flintstone running on his tippy toes?

Check out the song “I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth” and you’ll be thinking “what kind of drugs was he smoking when he came up with that one?” Zappa never did drugs once. He was pure Zappa. That’s what makes him special. I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth is not something he came up with high, but something from the heart. It’s good to remember such passion as you pace back and forth wondering if its possible to raise children in our inevitable future.

Please, please, PLEASE stop watching the news and check out his movies as well. 200 Motels, Baby Snakes, and Uncle Meat are great as long as you skip the terrible attempts at comedy and focus on the animation each one has for about 10 minutes which are all very good. Or perhaps you’d feel better if you heard the music live. He may no longer be with us but his son Dweezil continues to perform all the songs his dad wrote about banging groupies.

It’s time to open that mind, stop having panic attacks, and concentrate on the meaning behind “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow”.

Clown From Slipknot Makes New Year’s Resolution to Hit a Beer Keg With His Baseball Bat at Least 50 Times a Day

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a day in 2025, sources confirmed.

“I fell into a routine with this thing and my skills diminished as a result,” Crahan said. “I’m not going to let them slip away, though. I consider it an honor and a privilege to undertake keg and bat duty in Slipknot. Starting now, it’s going to be 50 hits a day, no excuses. I’m also going to keep proper form at the highest priority. No more half-assed, one-handed swings. Going forward, I’m choking up with both hands and staying on the balls of my feet with my weight concentrated on my right side. Just wait until you see me a year from now. It’ll be like a completely new man working the keg on that stage.”

Fan Justin Richer remarked on Crahan’s resolution.

“I just saw Slipknot at their Sacramento show in October,” Richer mentioned. “They were awesome, as usual, but I definitely got the feeling that Clown was phoning it in on the keg. It just didn’t seem like he was putting forth his best effort, even when they played ‘Duality,’ which is where the keg work is most prominent. It was disheartening because there are millions of people who would kill to be swinging that bat up there. I’m glad he’s determined to better himself, though. Honestly, I had been considering swearing off my fandom entirely, but now I’m excited to see them perform after he’s improved his skills.”

Nu-metal life coach Aubrey Carvalho offered her expertise on the situation.

“New Year’s is a great time for our favorite Tripp pants-donning musicians to improve upon their performances,” Carvalho offered. “Whether it’s Fred Durst dusting up on his slow-motion pelvic thrust to full-body headbang he demonstrated so adroitly in the ‘Faith’ music video, or Mudvayne’s Ryan Martinie perfecting the creepy smile in time with his iconic bass line to ‘Dig,’ the decision to resolve to better themselves at the start of the new year is commendable. It’s my job as a life coach to make sure they stick to it, and you’d better believe I’m going to make sure Clown keeps hitting that keg.”

At press time, Slipknot’s other percussionist also vowed to mime masturbating the long nose on his mask for at least an hour every day.

Car Racing, Prostitutes, and Mountains of Cocaine: A Breakdown of Jimmy Carter’s Final Days

Posted on by Dan Rice

Today the world continues to mourn Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President, Nobel Prize recipient and noted humanitarian, who died yesterday at the age of 100. He leaves behind a legacy of exemplary statesmanship, charity, and goodwill. Police are still trying to piece together the torrid, complicated, high-octane series of events that led to his tragic death when the mega yacht he had stolen exploded, along with an estimated 2.6 billion dollars worth of cocaine. Here’s what we know so far about the final days of former President and legendary underworld anti-hero, Jimmy Carter:

December 24th, 2024

Georgia Home, 7:00 – 9:00 a.m.:
According to family and loved ones, President Carter began the morning of Christmas Eve like any other. He awoke from under a pile of philosophical musings, song lyrics, and erotic poetry he had written the night before, downed two cups of cold brew coffee, and performed a nunchaku kata shirtless in the light of the rising sun.

A niece reported that around 8:00 a.m. he received a phone call from a still unknown associate. The former President listened to the speaker intently, his face growing stern, before replying “You tell Ramirez that this time, it’s personal.” and hanging up. When his niece asked who the caller was, Carter simply smiled and replied “Oh, just a ghost from Christmas past.”

Moments later Carter entered the living room where he stood a while transfixed by the family Christmas tree. After a long contemplation, he announced to the room “You know what this tree is missing? Some trim. Looks like ole’ Jimmy’s goin poon huntin.” His family members rolled their eyes, knowing protesting was pointless. They all knew that when Jimmy had pussy fever, there was only one cure.

Sure enough, moments later, his security detail could be seen scrambling helplessly as Jimmy Carter’s trademark fire-engine-red 1971 Dodge Charger jumped the gate blaring “Slow Ride” by Foghat. The Secret Service would remain one step behind the former President right up until the explosion that claimed his life.

Miami, 11:00 p.m.:
Carter arrives at Breakneck Alley, a notorious hotspot for high-stakes drag racing, sex workers, and drug trafficking, with a convoy of four other souped-up muscle cars all driven by members of his loyal mercenary group known only as “The Family.” A cheering crowd surrounds the convoy. Carter is something of a legend in the world of underground street racing.

Carter steps out of the car, humbly raises a hand to quiet the crowd, and says “I know what a lot of you young bucks are thinking right now — ‘Is today the day I race old man Jimmy out of his pink slips?’ Well if you want a lesson in humility, there will be time for that later, but right now me, and the fam want ourselves a merry little Christmas, and that means we need us some hoe hoe hoes. How many of you sexy ass ladies wanna go skiing with Jimmy Carter?!” He is heard saying “Just move the guns over” as the last woman of the night filed into the back of his car, and the crew speeds off into the bright lights of Miami.

Hours later, the crew throws a party at a Motel-6 the cops know to stay away from. According to the manager, “Carter and the family broke every damn bed we got.”

December 25th, 2024

Fort Myers Beach, 7:00 a.m.:
In the span of 45 minutes and with the assistance of half a dozen call girls, Carter builds 400 homes in a community recently devastated by a hurricane. A helicopter touches down to retrieve them, armed men urgently waving Carter on saying “Move move move, go go go!” Carter gets one foot in the chopper, turns back to the thankful crowd, and tosses a large ring of keys to a 12-year-old boy saying “You’re in charge now little man. Keep the faith.”

The Docks, 11:45 p.m.:
Surveillance footage seems to show a large drug shipment being received by a Bolivian gang. One of the gang members can be heard saying “You know, after this, I might go shoot a kid just for fun!” and everyone laughs, so you know these are really, really bad guys. Suddenly, Carter and his team emerge from the shadows, guns blazing. They are hopelessly outnumbered but if that scares them, they don’t show it. With expert tactics and marksmanship Carter and the family take down gang member after gang member, who as we established are particularly evil so you don’t have to feel bad about it. Eventually, the gang’s leader finds himself surrounded and alone. Carter approaches him, reaches into the pocket of the gang leader’s duster jacket, and retrieves a microchip of some kind.

CARTER: Looks like someone’s been naughty this year.
GANG LEADER: You’re crazy man! Do you have any idea who you’re stealing from?!
CARTER: You go tell your boss he’s next. Go, before I change my mind!

The gang leader scampers off sheepishly. Carter hands the microchip to one of his mercenaries.

CARTER: Get this to Mr. Nobody. Tell him Jimmy says Merry Christmas.
MERCENARY: What do we do with all the coke?
CARTER: Well, I don’t know about you, but I like to snort it.

December 28th, 2024

Paris, 2:00 p.m.:
A security camera catches Carter wearing a button-up shirt with the sleeves cut off and a large chain necklace. In one hand he holds a bottle of wine, in the other an NPR tote bag containing a baguette and a single rose. It is unknown how he got there, but he bears the look of a man who has been double-crossed, left for dead, and doesn’t know what comes next.

7:00 p.m.:
Carter gives an impromptu public reading of a book he wrote just hours before. Everyone fortunate enough to have heard it claims it to be his magnum opus. It details his philosophy of humanitarianism, offers a solution to the conflicts in the Middle East that would absolutely work, and ends with a poem on the fertility of red Georgian soil that would make the most money-hungry conservative in the world weep like a child. He then lights his zippo and tosses it atop his manuscript, the only copy. When the crowd of Parisians, tears in their eyes, ask “Why?” Carter replies “Because the time for words is over. Now, it’s time for action.”

December 29th, 2024

Mendoza’s island, 6:00 a.m.:
Little is known about the final showdown between Jimmy Carter and his shadowy arch-nemesis Ramirez, but INTERPOL has been able to confirm a few key details:

  • Ramirez was overseeing child slaves loading his yacht with cocaine, cementing his status as extremely evil.
  • At some point, Carter performed a crazy motorcycle jump.
  • The guy from Carter’s crew who betrayed him to Ramirez turned good again at the very end, sacrificing himself to save Carter. Carter assured his dying friend that they would always be family, and he was dying a hero.
  • Carter coldly wished Ramirez a Happy New Year right before triggering the explosion that killed both men.
  • At the time of the explosion, Carter was fully erect.

It’s easy to despair facing the loss of one the greatest Americans in living history, but we should all try to remember the words of the man himself. “If I die going fast, don’t mourn me, because I died doing what I love.” Jimmy Carter, dead at age 100.

Bombshell Report Claims Tony Hawk Did Not Actually Write the Song “Superman by Goldfinger”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — A shocking new report by citizen journalist/unemployed man Gary Russo claims that skateboarder Tony Hawk did not actually write “Superman by Goldfinger,” shocked and confused sources confirmed.

“As everyone is well aware, famed skateboarder and Bagel Bites spokesperson Tony Hawk invented both the 900 and wrote the ska-punk classic ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ on the same day, but according to some earth-shattering information, I believe this may all be a lie,” said Russo. “I was able to access the dark web by entering ‘Incognito Mode’ in my browser, then navigating to this underground website, Wikipedia. According to them, ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ was actually written by an obscure ska band called Goldfinger. Tony just stole the song for his video games. Just know, if I’m found dead in the coming months, it was not a suicide.”

When reached for comment, Hawk was flabbergasted by the situation.

“I don’t really get the confusion, honestly. Neversoft came to me with a big list of songs and I just started approving the ones I liked. But somehow that song and I have become so intertwined. It’s not like anyone ever accuses me of writing ‘Jerry was a Race Car Driver,’” said Hawk. “Granted, I have sung the song on stage with the band a bunch of times, and I don’t really go out of my way to correct people when they tell me how much they love it, but I’ve never flat-out said I wrote it.”

Pop culture expert Marna Skeech added that this confusion is not unique to ska and skateboarding video games.

“This sort of thing happens all the time. A song becomes synonymous with a video game or movie or show that most people can no longer separate the two, leading to confusion,” said Skeech. “Consider how when the lead singer of Smash Mouth died, the hashtag #ripshrek was trending, with millions eulogizing the fictional green ogre. It also happens in reverse with a particular sound associated with a particular artist. The way that hearing diarrhea violently spraying against porcelain makes everyone think of Imagine Dragons.”

At press time, John Feldmann of Goldfinger has fired back at Hawk by claiming he invented both the frontside 540-Rodeo Flip, and the Saran Wrap.