Quiz: Are These Led Zeppelin Lyrics About Lord of the Rings or Fucking?

Posted on by Tim Sheard

We’re big classic rock fans here at the Hard Times, so it naturally follows that we love genre stalwarts Led Zeppelin. From the trailblazing drumwork of John Bonham to the often insufferable crooning of Robert Plant, we can’t get enough of the band our dads think is the epitome of all music made in the last century. As such, we thought we’d have a little fun with this article and present you with a quiz concerning the only two subjects Led Zeppelin’s music ever covered.

You may be a fan yourself, but do you know them enough to excel in our little quiz? Give it a shot, and see if you can discern whether the following lyrics are about Lord of the Rings or fucking!

Question: “Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby, move me while you do me now” – from “Black Dog” (Led Zeppelin IV, 1971)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

If you guessed “fucking”, you were way off! This excerpt from the hottest song on every Boomer’s Facebook feed was unquestionably written as a clear personification of the Ring and its allure to the Hobbits as they flee the Nazgûl by cutting through the Old Forest at the beginning of “The Fellowship of the Ring.” It’s actually kind of upsetting that you would infer a sexual connotation from Frodo and his pals narrowly avoiding death as they escape invisible wraiths. Maybe you should talk to someone about that?

Question: Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love, I’m gonna give you every inch of my love” – from “Whole Lotta Love” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

You said “fucking” again, didn’t you? What the hell is wrong with you? It’s well-known that this lyric explores the deep fraternal love that Sam feels for Frodo as he rescues him from the tower of Cirith Ungol after having believed him dead from Shelob’s attack. This is a love that each of the two feels with every inch of his being. Sam thought his best friend was dead, for Christ’s sake. Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one measly second of your miserable, Onanism-centric existence to appreciate that? Ugh, on to the next one.

Question: “The way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right outta bed” – from “The Lemon Song” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

It’s Lord of the Rings. It’s so clearly Lord of the Rings. “Fall right outta bed” refers to Gandalf falling into an abyss in the Mines of Moria after the gang is attacked by a Balrog. Luckily, Gandalf ultimately survives, and thank God for that, but the Hobbits didn’t know that at the time. Honestly, we’re starting to think you might be a hardcore deviant or something. Remember in the first question, when we suggested you talk to someone? It’s no longer a suggestion. We’re telling you that you need to stop taking this quiz and immediately see a psychotherapist.

Question: “Put on your night shirt and your morning gown, you know by night I’m gonna shake ‘em all down” – from “Custard Pie” (Physical Graffiti, 1975)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

Why are you even still here? You need to be getting help.

Question: “‘Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, but Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her” – from “Ramble On” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Fucking

This is an obvious allusion to a common sexual position, and you must be some kind of puritan if you don’t recognize it. We won’t go into the details, and really, if you’re an adult, you should already be aware of them. Suffice it to say we were surprised when we saw such a bawdy lyric come from the usually Middle Earth-minded rockers, but it served as a good reminder that they’re not as much of a one-trick pony as the questions before this might’ve intimated.

Well, there you have it. How did you do? Sound off in the comments and let us know, and be sure to stick around for our upcoming lyrics quiz about Aerosmih’s 1989 hit “Love in an Elevator!”

Tool Announce “Lateralus Gold” Experience Where Fans Can Pay $10,000 to Massage All Four Band Members for a Day

Posted on by Tyler Roland

LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the band for a day, penniless sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we just wanted to give something back to our fans by allowing them to work the kinks out of our shoulders and massage our soft tissue areas,” said singer Maynard James Keenan as he finished tracking vocals on a demo for his primary project, Puscifer. “That’s right. Whoever buys this will definitely ascend, open their third eye, and become pneuma. Don’t worry, we’ll provide the massage table and oils. And hey, if you can’t afford this package, we also offer the ‘Lateralus Silver’ experience where fans can crack our backs after a set.”

Longtime fan B.J. Sampson could not be more excited, despite the fact that the experience does not include airfare, lodging, transportation, or anything else.

“Fuck yeah!” Sampson exclaimed as he used an electric toothbrush to dust off one of his several Tool posters. “I know they had it priced at $10,000, just like their supremely underrated album ‘10,000 Days.’ That was a lot for me, but totally worth it to drain the two college funds I had started for Jimmy and Hofmann, and sell my 2001 Pontiac Sunfire. Not to mention, a couple of family heirlooms. I can’t wait to get my hands all over their drummer to see if he really has eight limbs, like the octopus he is on the skins!”

Gene Simmons, Kiss bassist and perhaps music’s greatest con man, expressed his support for Tool and their offering of the “Lateralus Gold” package.

“Tool are a spectacular band, but an even more spectacular brand,” Simmons declared. “I see they’re rising to Kiss Kasket levels of profit. That ‘Tool In the Sand’ gimmick they just did was a nice start, but this is a different echelon. I wonder what they’ll do next. A Black & Decker Toolbox collaboration? A cruise? A ‘fetus in skull’ maquette? Oh wait, they already did that one.”

At press time, Tool guitarist Adam Jones was instructing Sampson to work his back in a rhythm corresponding to the Fibonacci sequence.

Arsonist Improves Cybertruck

Posted on by Doug Kolic

MODESTO, Calif. — A local arsonist who torched a brand new Cybertruck as it sat on the lot of a nearby Tesla dealership claims his crime should be overlooked because he provided a community service by improving its design, according to onlookers who couldn’t disagree.

“Yup, that was all me,” stated the masked man who did not want to be named. “I torched the fucker. Not because of any politically motivated reasons, just because it was the most hideous piece of junk that I’ve ever seen. Not only is it incredibly offensive to the human eye, it’s also so poorly made that a tiny child can literally rip pieces off of it with minimal effort. This kind of abomination deserves only one fate—to burn in the pits of hell from which it came.”

Bystander Craig Berger couldn’t be more impressed with the new design.

“I’m normally a big law and order guy, but in this case the artistic wonder created definitely should give the culprit a pass,” posited Berger. “I’ve never seen so much raw talent before. The way that arsonist was able to melt the weird pointy top into something more appealing was really a thing of beauty. I’m just a small town boy who’s never been outside of the USA, but I’d like to think what this guy created was on par with the great manmade wonders of the world like the pyramids or that Italian statue of the naked guy with his pecker out.”

University arts professor Yvonne Banham says oftentimes vandalism actually improves the original work.

“What we’re seeing in the US is a world-wide phenomenon,” said Banham. “Our first reaction when we see things being defaced is outrage, until we have some time to digest what has occurred. Then, oftentimes, we realize that perhaps the original piece of art as it was initially designed was sub par. I don’t have any opinion on the Cybertrucks per se, but I do know throwing some orange soup on the Mona Lisa sure improved the aesthetics by giving it some edge. Without it, that bitch was as basic as you could get.”

At press time, a few customers were already expressing interest in purchasing the newly designed trucks.

Lo-fi Masterpiece or Did I Just Forget to Export All the Audio Channels?

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

I’ve worked my entire life trying to break into this industry. Several years as a violinist, a stint with indie rock, and a regrettable six months spent at Shaffer Conservatory. Seven albums, fifteen singles, and a pirate radio station later, and I hadn’t seen a drop of success. Until earlier today, when I “uploaded” a “Lofi” track.

Half a million downloads for pleasant_beats_v12_final(2).mp3. Yes, that is the name of the Bandcamp listing. You’d think that’d shoot the SEO in the foot, but I’ve already gotten comments praising the originality of the name.

The problem? I didn’t even mean to do this.

I don’t know if it was a misclick or a solar flare flipping a bit on my motherboard, but I only exported three of the audio tracks. Some humming, a gentle knock on the table, and the sounds of me chopping up the vinyl of Taylor Swift’s Tortured Poets Department. Looped over an hour, and uploaded to Bandcamp purely by accident.

At first, I was horrified. I’d torn apart a creation I’d spent hundreds of hours on! Apparently, that was a waste of time. All I needed to do was loop three tracks, crackle the audio like some microwave popcorn, and stick an anime girl on the cover. Instant success. I left a recording of me kicking my desk in there, and someone commented how nostalgic it made them for their old office.

I haven’t had so much as a dozen downloads of my previous music. The only review I ever received was someone calling me a ‘tonal plebeian’ and bragging about how they were making $5,000 working from home, every single hour. But now I’m receiving praise for my “dedication to Schafer’s original definition” and “ensuring good grades for Gen Z”?

I don’t even like the genre.

Why would you intentionally make your music sound worse? It’s 2025. Your computer has the power to transform some muffled gas-station bathroom conversation into the cleanest, highest-fidelity track you’ve ever heard. And yet there are some twisted people who think that popping speakers makes for a sick beat.

Oh well. No getting around it now. Especially since my music is now being featured in YouTube Lofi compilations. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go and scratch up some vinyl for my next big hit.

Dead Punk’s Scattered Ashes Poison Entire Ecosystem

Posted on by Doug Kolic

OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for generations, according to nearby sources gasping for breath.

“We knew that these types of individuals were infamously noxious, but we didn’t expect just how much of a negative impact their deceased bodies would have on everything around them,” stated a very concerned Dr. Jacoby Kinsley. “Normally when a person croaks and gets incinerated, their ashes pose no external threat, but what we witnessed with this one particular scumbag was a fallout worse than what happened after Chernobyl’s number four reactor exploded. And those people had a better chance of survival.”

Local resident Carly Leung described the impact that the poisoned ashes had on her family.

“One day we woke up and it looked like the apocalypse,” said Leung. “My prized vegetable garden suddenly shriveled up and turned a putrid black without any warning, then all of our livestock began foaming at mouth before committing mass suicide by jumping off the cliff. At first I thought there must have been a leak at the nearby sewage treatment plant, but then I heard on the news that some stupid punk had his burnt up leftovers tossed off the bridge and into the main river. I’m a devout Christian and I know he’s already dead, but I wish he was even deader.”

Keith Forge, a mortician with over 30 years of experience, weighed in with his thoughts.

“Most people don’t realize that a punk, in any form—whether solid, liquid, or gas—is one of the most dangerous elements known to man,” Forge explained. “Never scatter a punk’s ashes into the air. Instead, try to bury their remains as quickly as possible after they expire as deep down into the earth’s core as you can. Then pour all the cement you can find on top, before encasing it all in an airtight titanium chamber. Then pray that God exists. And if he does, hope he can protect you from the evil that you just messed with, because you’re very likely going to be cursed.”

At press time, the airborne particles of ash were reportedly seen raising the dead of a nearby graveyard.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Loudly Complaining About Every Festival Lineup

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Spring is in the air, which means festival season is upon us. It’s a glorious time to gather with friends, get violently dehydrated, and leave scathing comments on social media about how upset you are that your fest of choice doesn’t have every band from your ‘recently listened to’ section on the lineup. While we’re excited to see the Beach Boys at – checks notes – Riot Fest this year, here are some songs we listened to instead this week.

Lung ‘The Mattress’

Dayton, Ohio’s genre defying cello/drum duo, Lung, announced their new record ‘The Swandiver.’ Lead single ‘The Mattress’ is the musical equivalent of the panic attack you just had while reading a random infographic. If they ever make a movie about a sinking Titanic-style cruise liner that symbolically represents America in 2025, we recommend that they tap Lung to fill the role of the string-quartet that keeps playing as the ship cracks in half before meeting its demise.

Tropical Fuck Storm ‘Dunning Kruger’s Loser Cruiser’

Not so long ago, ‘Dunning Kruger’s Loser Cruiser’ was the oddly specific and insulting name your friends would call your ‘94 Corolla behind your back. Now it’s the latest single from Tropical Fuck Storm. What a turnaround. Not only is the track as loud as that car was, it will also invoke that borderline bad acid trip feeling you used to get from the exhaust fumes during long drives. At this rate, we expect the band’s forthcoming album to come with a warning that you shouldn’t operate any heavy machinery while listening.

Planning For Burial ‘You Think’

About halfway through Planning For Burial’s new single ‘You Think,’ ‘you’ might ‘think’ that your speakers have blown. It’s a fair assumption given the fact that nearly every device you own is in a broken and nearly unusable state, but this time it’s just the unforgiving guitar tone and production style of the one man band’s progenitor, Thom Wasluck. You might be saying to yourself, ‘Wait, that’s just one dude? How on earth is he making that much noise?’ We don’t want to spoil the magic by explaining drum machines and overdubbing, so just listen without investigating any further.

Cut Cult ‘Lame Horse’

Wake up, babe. Another Holy Fuck side project just dropped. Cut Cult – featuring current and former Holy Fuck members Brian Borcherdt, Loel Campbell, and Matt McQuaid – just dropped their debut single ‘Lame Horse.’ Notably, this comes on the heels of new music from Noble Rot, which features Holy Fuck’s Graham Walsh. Suffice to say, fans of the band have a lot to dig into this summer. As a bonus, if this pattern of side project formation holds, we are only three new bands away from the members of Holy Fuck accidentally recording a new Holy Fuck record under an entirely different name.

Dave Heatwave ‘Star City’

If you’re anything like us, you’ve always wondered what it would sound like if Orville Peck traded in his famed fringed mask for a Luchador mask and went to space. Turns out, it sounds like Dave Heatwave. His latest single, ‘Star City,’ is reminiscent of a celestial lounge act in which all of the stars in the sky have been replaced by ‘80s synths. As you float through the lush – yet somehow sparse – arrangement, you’ll start to wonder how much time has passed on Earth. Unfortunately, the track does end and shatters the illusion, thrusting you back into your normal time continuum where rent is still due next week.
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Want the chaos and confusion of your favorite festival from the comfort of your own home? Check our official playlist. It’s got every song we’ve listened to this year, and all of your favorites are set to play simultaneously on separate stages that are too far to walk to. Like, follow and listen below:

Conservative Wants Guarantee None of Girls’ High School Lacrosse Players He Creeps on Are Trans

Posted on by Tim Graham

ABILENE, Texas — Local school sports fan Steven Flick will no longer offer his support if there’s a chance he could accidentally ogle a trans girl, according to the vitriolic YouTube Short he recorded in his pickup truck.

“I faithfully attend every Abilene Armadillos game, home and away. I even go to their practices to root them on,” said Flick as he waved a giant foam finger from the empty bleachers. “I’m their biggest supporter. These girls are just amazing, running up and down the field on their tanned, muscular legs. But now there’s all this talk about trans girls competing in girls’ sports. That’s not cool. I’m out here to encourage the team and admire these young athletes at their peak physical condition. But if any of them turned out to not be biologically female, well that would be a total betrayal.”

Armadillos’ midfielder Alyssa Porter says she and her teammates are put off by Flick’s constant presence.

“At first, coach asked us to just ignore him because he donates so much money to the school during fundraisers,” said Porter. “But honestly, we don’t feel comfortable with him sitting there, staring at us with binoculars all the time. He definitely gives off a creepy vibe, especially when he wears a trenchcoat. Recently he posted on Facebook about how there should be locker room inspections to make sure we’re all AFAB. Coach said he’d crossed a line and promised to ban him from school grounds or beat the shit out of him. Or possibly both.”

Flick’s behavior is familiar to those who study abnormal psychology.

“What I believe we’re seeing played out is called ‘reaction formation,’” explained clinical psychologist Emma Chen. “It’s likely that Mr. Flick has conflicted feelings about trans women that make him extremely uncomfortable. Rather than admit to and confront these feelings, he makes a public spectacle about how abhorrent he finds the subject of his secret fascination. It’s a tale as old as time. We often see a similar dynamic in regard to homophobic pastors who are themselves gay, for example. I do acknowledge it’s unethical to publicly diagnose someone who isn’t even my patient, but on the other hand, fuck that guy.”

At press time, Flick was reportedly standing guard inside his local Olive Garden women’s restroom, purportedly in an effort to “protect women from creeps.”

Big Win! Guy Manages To Take Off Sweatshirt Without Exposing Nipples

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Are you a man over 30 with a little tummy and weird patches of overgrown body hair sprouting from your torso? Are you tired of showing these parts of your body off to the entire waiting room at Pep Boys because you thought you could just nonchalantly remove your sweatshirt? We’ve been led to believe that this is simply the way the world works. Your nipples will be readily available to all passersby. One man, however, dared to dream differently.

Blake Kidder is a man of simple means. The Duluth, MN native and elevator repairman took his sweatshirts off 2 nipples at a time just like the rest of us. As he puts it, “There was a time when sweatshirt issues were ruining my life. Whether it was a job interview or volunteering at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, sooner or later my shitty little tummy and hairy nips would be on full display again.”

Blake officially hit rock bottom in the Fall of 2024, when he got into a fist fight with his waiter at Bob Evans, who assumed he was coming onto him when he tried to remove his sweatshirt in the middle of ordering his meal. Facing misdemeanor assault, he was running out of options. He could tuck his t-shirt into his pants when he wears sweatshirts but then he’d look like a total fucking idiot. He could try dieting and exercise to mitigate the shame but that sounds like it would fucking suck! Of course, he could stop wearing sweatshirts altogether but as a 38 year-old man wearing sweatshirts is all that he had left.

Then, the unthinkable happened. March 21st, 2025. It was the day of Blake’s hearing and he was feeling a little warm. With nothing left to lose, he began to remove his best Volcom sweatshirt to a hushed courtroom. With a series of choreographed hand maneuvers and furtive shirt-tugs, Blake successfully removed his sweatshirt without baring his breasts and in under four minutes no less. The courtroom erupted in applause as the Bob Evans waiter was escorted out in handcuffs. Case dismissed.

Bob is currently serving an 18 month prison sentence for his assault, but let’s separate the art from the artist here. Bob, you’re a hero to self conscious men with nipples everywhere, and they can never take that from you!

Archaeologists Close to Uncovering Different Song by Jet

Posted on by Tim Sheard

MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“Despite decades of widespread belief that Jet only had that one song, my findings are inching closer and closer to disproving that theory. Everyone called me a quack and a madman for believing they had more songs, but I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!” said University of Melbourne archaeology professor Dr. Clement Q. Tarraway, with a psychotic gleam in the eye not covered by the eyepatch. “Soon my grand plan will come to fruition, and we’ll all be bopping our heads to a previously unheard-of neo-garage-rock-revival track that will have the entire world saying, ‘Yeah, it’s fine, I guess. Sure, whatever’ at last!”

The primary guy from Jet, whose name even top researchers couldn’t manage to drum up from their memory banks, was even dubious of Dr. Tarraway’s claims.

“Look, this is coming straight from the main guy from Jet’s mouth, ok? Even I don’t think we had any other songs than the ‘Be My Girl’ one. Not even any ideas for them, in fact,” said that guy from Jet. “Even the song we did have was just lifted from the riff from Iggy’s ‘Lust For Life’ which, come to think of it, was jacked from a Supremes bassline. How the hell did we manage to get on the charts in the first place? Anyway, I’ll go to my grave knowing we just had that one song, or my name isn’t, um…aw hell, what is my damn name? Hold on here.”

University President J. Hallickson Mandrill echoed the professor’s optimism, hoping that it could lead to big things for the school.

“Imagine the possibilities in the realm of one-hit-wonder expanded universes that could lead to. Why, if a band like Jet could have another song, there could be others just like it! We could be standing on soil that could be hiding another song by B*Witched, Wheatus, or even the legendary second Venga Boys single!” exclaimed an exuberant Mandrill, with a giggle. “Any one of those could get our fair alma mater funded for years to come. Are we playing god by treading into areas mankind wasn’t meant to? Perhaps. But that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

At press time, Dr. Tarraway was dismayed to find out that what he was actually unearthing was just another in a long line of new dinosaur species before uttering, “back to the drawing board.”

Supreme Court to Release Opinions Early for Patreon Subscribers

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON — Justices of the Supreme Court announced that they will release their opinions early to select subscribers of a new Patreon account for die-hard fans, confirmed sources.

“SCOTUS+ subscribers at every level will receive exclusive access to our decisions as we overturn decades of jurisprudence. Plus, one actual Court decision each term will be crowdsourced directly from our highest tier supporters, members of the Harlan Crow Premium Plus Robing Room,” said Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh while drinking Rumple Minze from a shoe in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven. “We know people hate all the undisclosed gifts from billionaires, the jet travel, fancy vacations…using court employees to sell our books. But two hundred and seventy-whatever thousand a year doesn’t go as far as it used to. Hence the Patreon.”

So far, subscribers seem to be happy with the service.

“I dig it. For five bucks a month I get this unreleased and rare stuff directly in my inbox,” said Zac Ward. “I’ve been a SCOTUShead since ‘93, when my dad gave me a tape of Justice Scalia’s confirmation hearings in mono. I can’t quite swing the $4 million to get into the Harlan Crow Premium Circle thing where you get the signed Nazi memorabilia and all that, but man, I’d love the chance to go on a safari with those guys. Especially Kavanaugh.”

Court watchers noted that the proposed Patreon could violate the first written Supreme Court Code of Conduct which was released in 2023.

“The problem with the ethics pledge is that it doesn’t specifically say that you can’t make a Patreon at the highest court, and even if it did, there’s no mechanism to enforce it. The 2023 code is more like a glorified Notes app apology after a few of them got caught being shady,” said Tatiana Hall, Professor of Ethics at Princeton University’s Bezos School of Communications. “SCOTUS+ is an entirely different model. It’s about promoting public confidence in the Court by transparently giving ‘We The People’ what we want: early access to an opinion which explains what Gouverneur Morris would think about Plan B.”

As of press time, Congressional leaders from both parties were outraged that they weren’t being cut into the action.