We Sat Down With a Straight Edge Doom Metal Fan to Figure Out His Deal

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Most doom metal fans love weed so when we saw a guy with X’s tattooed on his hands drinking Shirley Temples at the bar before an Electric Wizard show, we had to sit down with him and figure out his deal.

Lucky for us, 25-year-old straight edge doom metal fan Dave Shepherd was eager to chat about how he manages to listen to “Dopethrone” and “Dopesmoker” without smoking dope.

The Hard Times: Hey man, cool tats. Are you straight edge by any chance?
Dave Shepherd: You know it! I’m probably the only straight edge person here but I don’t give a shit. Someone’s gotta be the designated driver and I’m the only one who isn’t fucked up tonight.

Oh, so you’re not that into the band then?
No way, I’ve been waiting ages to see Electric Wizard! I’ll admit that I didn’t know all the words to “Funeralopolis” the first time I saw them, but their performance was an experience unlike any other. I felt like I was floating on a cloud of darkness above an evil castle. God, their set ruled.

That sounds really trippy. Are you sure you’re straight edge?
Sure as hell! I’m actually allergic to weed so my eyes got all red half an hour into the show. I ended up going to the back of the crowd to get away from the smell. Normally I try to get as close to the barricade as possible but I have to be careful not to break edge at doom shows.

So going to doom shows isn’t an edge break, but being too close to the front is?
Most straight edge elders say you can see as many shows as you want as long as you never inhale. Using protection also helps. I wore a gas mask to Sleep’s 4/20 show last year and had a great time. I actually got that idea from the straight edge guys on the “Dopesmoker” album cover.

The straight edge guys?
They wear cloaks to keep their X tattoos out of the sun and gas masks to prevent themselves from inhaling smoke in the riff-filled land. If that’s not edge, I don’t know what is.

10 Biggest Sellouts From Back When People Cared About Stuff Like That

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Thanks to platforms like social media and YouTube, selling out isn’t really a thing anymore. But back in the days when record companies had a stranglehold on all large-scale music distribution platforms, some artists would actively change their sound after signing to a major label. This caused many artists to be labeled “sellouts,” sometimes even before they released any new music. Here are 10 “sellouts” from back in the day when people actually cared about stuff like that.

Man Fails to Hide Anal Cunt Poster in Background of Work Call

Posted on by Charles Bill

BETHESDA, Md. – Local accountant Peter Wombach reportedly failed to successfully hide a signed Anal Cunt poster in the background of a work Zoom call, sources already in conversation with HR report.

“About 15 minutes into the meeting I realized I didn’t cover my Anal Cunt poster with my ‘I’m With Her’ campaign poster from 2016 and I had to get creative,” said Wombach while grinning maniacally. “Framing a Zoom call is an art, and I am Michelangelo. I have a map to my right, so people think I like maps and nerd shit like that. To my left is a picture of my dog in case I need to start a conversation, and above me is my Anal Cunt poster. I got it signed after Seth Putnam fucked my girlfriend in Reykjavik and he felt bad about it. It’s only barely out of view, so it feels kinda dirty to have it like, right there. And even if someone saw it, no one knows what it is but me due to the borderline illegible font. What a thrill.”

Other members of Wombach’s firm were not as confident in the poster’s subtlety.

“The words ‘anal cunt’ were directly above his head, almost like a title,” said irritated manager Sandra Tyler. “We kept trying to call him out on it, but he constantly deflected, thinking that we were talking about his maps or his ugly greyhound. I told him to examine his framing, but he told me that he would circle back with me offline, and there’s really no comeback to that. I’ll talk to him later about what’s appropriate on Zoom calls, and why Dying Fetus is so much better than his dogshit taste.”

Anal Cunt’s public relations team have recently started using this incident as a lesson in Zoom etiquette.

“You need to be careful, because most corpo-drones are fucking pussies,” said publicist Reggie Ryan. “Show up for Zoom calls early, dress well, and never visibly cut yourself with razor blades unless you’re sure everyone is cool with it. Try to cover up your badass posters with wussy shit like Radiohead. That will let your coworkers feel cool about their music taste and distract them from the fact that you’re naked from the waist down.”

At press time, Wombach was called into a meeting about his performance, and forgot to hide the vial of GG Allin’s semen he bought on eBay.

Every Streetlight Manifesto Album Ranked

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Streetlight Manifesto is a hard band to classify. They blend many genres into songs of epic length that are packed densely with so many riffs and hooks you can re-listen to their albums countless times and still notice something new. Fortunately, they have horns so we can just call them ska. Anyway, this ska band has experienced some massive trials and tribulations just trying to release these records, so we at the Hard Times figured the least we could do was perch on a throne of melted brass instruments and judge them like a ska king.

5. 99 Songs of Revolution Vol. 1 (2010)

This cover album came out when Streetlight Manifesto was vying to be released from their totally not predatory contract with Victory Records. The plan was to release like 9 of these things as they ran out the required number of albums on their record contract. We’re still waiting on 8 of ’em. In the meantime, this record is full of obscure, interesting, and unexpected covers that are a really fun listen, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the band’s original material.

Play it again: “Such Great Heights”
Skip it: “Skyscraper”

 

 

4. The Hands That Thieve (2013)

Remember when Streetlight was attempting to finish out their record contract with cover albums? Well, Victory Records wasn’t exactly into that so the band went back to finish their obligatory 5th album on the label with original material. “The Hands That Thieve” (I wonder where they got the idea for that title) is a perfect encapsulation of what Streetlight Manifesto does: write catchy, genre-defying sing-a-long anthems at blistering speed. After the album was released, the band was free to go from their contract and- oh wait, no. Victory decided the cover album didn’t count towards their contract, and when the band refused to make more music for them, Victory sued Streetlight for a million dollars and refused to release this record. While you can stream the record anywhere now, for quite some time after its “release” you could only pirate the record, which was heavily encouraged by the band.

Play it again: “The Littlest Things”
Skip it: “Toe to Toe”

3. Keasbey Nights (2006)

Ahh, what a classic. “Keasbey Nights” is, of course, the record that singer/songwriter Tomas Kalnoky made with his previous band, Catch 22. It was going to be re-released by the label under the name “Streetlight Manifesto” but the band decided to pay out of pocket to re-record it for the release. These are the same amazing songs that many have argued launched the “4th Wave” of ska. While some believe the songs on this record don’t have the same heart as the original, they are performed much tighter, plus this album includes Jim Conti’s God-tier backing vocals.

 

Play it again: “Sick and Sad”
Skip it: “This One Goes Out To…”

2. Everything Goes Numb (2003)

After quitting Catch 22 five years prior, Tomas Kalnoky returned to music with a new band and this album. Streetlight Manifesto took the next-level-ska sound Toh-Kay created on “Keasbey Nights” and refined it into the signature sound this band has been known for since. These songs are much darker than Keasbey and the passion behind them is clear with every note and lyric. One could argue that this is their best record and we’d say that’s fair but you’re also a hipster who only likes “their older stuff.”

Play it again: Failing, Flailing
Skip it: The Saddest Song

 

1. Somewhere in the Between (2007)

This is Streetlight Manifesto’s epic masterpiece about life and death and the beyond. The songs manage to be catchy earworms despite the epic length and sheer number of sections and riffs in each song. The production is uncanny and the rhythm section of Chris Thatcher and Pete McCullough is worth focusing on for entire listens of this record.

Play it again: “The Receiving End of it All”
Skip it: “One Foot on the Gas, One Foot in the Grave”

Aging Metalhead Feeling Pathetic After Hearing Darkthrone’s “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” in the Grocery Store

Posted on by John Danek

ARLINGTON, Va. — Ryan Trent, a lifelong metalhead in his late 40s, is having a crisis of identity after hearing Darkthrone’s black metal scorcher “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” while shopping at Harris Teeter, worried friends reported.

“It’s disturbing to hear music you once thought was iconoclastic and edgy used as background music while buying cereal,” admits Trent, who regularly vacations in Norway and Sweden to visit beloved metal record stores. “As I was rounding the canned vegetables aisle, the Wallflower’s ‘One Headlight’ was finishing up, which makes sense for grocery store radio. Then I heard the explosive beginning of ‘Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust’ with Noctruno Culto shrieking his head off, and stopped in my tracks. ‘No, no, this can’t be’ I muttered. But it was. It was true…”

Employees at the Arlington grocery store claim they are slowly being driven mad by the banal tunes played over the store’s PA system.

“Uggh, I’m so sick of all this ersatz boomer music, like Bob Seger, Melissa Etheridge, and Darkthrone. I’m tempted to stab some Pocky sticks into my ears so I go deaf in order to escape this pointless noise,” exclaimed cashier Marissa Wright, who was recently reprimanded for playing 100 Gecs over the store PA. “‘Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust’ plays like twice per day, I can’t believe that people thought it was cool at one point in time. All I hear is bland, boring waiting room music. I bet they already use it in a Cialis commercial.”

Members of Darkthrone expressed surprising emotions at having their once-irreverent music being used as sonic filler in public.

“It’s fucking great! I get some extra royalties and still never have to play a live show as long as I live,” boasted founding member and drummer Fenriz. “The older I get, the more I appreciate just chilling out. When I was a teen, it was all hate and setting churches on fire. Nowadays, I’m more into techno, raw denim, and perfecting my pour-over coffee technique. Let the kids worry about being edgy and kvlt, I have some Ethiopian yirgacheffee beans to try.”

Those close to Trent report he has cut off all communication with the outside world after learning that Taylor Swift has been covering Mayhem’s “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” in her recent concerts.

Man Appreciates A24 Horror Films for Including Long Pauses Where He Can Explain Plot to His Date

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

LOS ANGELES — Local cinephile Lucas Glazier praised the slow pacing of A24 horror films for giving him the opportunity to explain important plot details, homages, and easter eggs his date “likely” missed, sources terrified for all the wrong reasons confirmed.

“Long pauses are actually a brilliant way for filmmakers to build tension throughout their films while giving true horror fans space to point out details to casual, plebeian viewers,” Glazier explained while hogging a popcorn bowl. “In an age where fast-paced films squeeze in two kills before I finish my spiel about the opening scene was actually a subtle nod to Hammer horror, it’s refreshing how A24’s films take their sweet time getting to the action. Thank god Ari Aster sticks so many lingering shots of naked old men in his films, forcing my dates to look away from the screen and into my eyes while I wax poetic about his directing.”

Hailey Welch, who met Glazier on Letterboxd, described her date with him as “elevated.”

“Turns out ‘Hereditary’ is an absolutely harrowing date movie,” Welch said while giving the film a four-star review. “Every time the pace slowed down, I wasn’t sure whether to cover my eyes because of the nude cultists or cover my ears before Lucas pointed out all the nude dick and balls represented Toni Colette’s grief. But I have to admit that his commentary was pretty insightful at some points. Hearing him explain how the makeup designer used prosthetics and a fake head for the telephone pole decapitation scene made me less grossed out by all the close-up gore. Unfortunately, I still felt kind of queasy because he was leaning in really close and clearly hadn’t thought to take a mint before the movie.”

Director Ari Aster admitted the long pauses in his films were intentional.

“Cinema is meant to start conversations and inspire viewers to ask questions, usually questions of how many people get decapitated in my films or whether I have a good therapist,” Aster said after a long silence. “Also, the higher-ups at A24 are always asking me to make scenes as slow as possible so there’s more room for commentary on the DVD bonus features. How else am I supposed to get through all the Paimon lore without alienating my audience?”

At press time, Glazier was seen frantically putting a “Hereditary ending explained” article through a thesaurus in order to sound smarter while explaining it to his next hookup.

Acoustic 100 gecs Show Somehow Leaves Dozens With Permanent Hearing Loss

Posted on by Sam Eardley

ST. LOUIS – Hyperpop icons 100 gecs shook local coffee shop The Brewstory to its foundations with an intimate acoustic show that seemed to defy all known laws of sound, newly-deafened sources confirmed.

“I thought seeing an unplugged Gecs show would be a low-stress way to make me seem cool, but now I guess my hearing is trashed forever?” whimpered local 38-year-old Mark Disley, wiping a trickle of blood from his ear. “They came out with acoustic guitars, no mics, and some Rube Goldberg-looking assortment of weird objects that I guess was their effects rack, and within seconds I was pinned to the back of the room with the sheer volume. Half the crowd staggered out after two songs, and the other half, who were all, like, 17-year-olds, rolled their eyes at us and called us ‘little piss-babies’.”

Laura Les, one half of the paradigm-shifting duo, explained their approach for the show at The Brewstory.

“Yeah, we thought it’d be nice to take it down a notch from our usual shows, create more of a chill vibe,” said Les while hitting a cotton-candy-flavored vape. “But we still wanted it to slap, so we just put together a pretty basic acoustic signal chain. We aim the guitars into the horn of a haunted gramophone, then run the sound through the plumbing of the coffee shop, do parallel compression through 16 on-fire bassoons, and resonate it in the carcass of a sperm whale. Comes out at about 120 decibels, which is barely louder than a small jumbo jet. Pretty mellow, really.”

Audiologist Dr. Joyce Amoako offered her scientific opinion on the show.

“I’ve studied sound and hearing for 40 years, and I’m completely stumped,” said Amoako. “Hearing damage on this scale should not be possible from an entirely unamplified performance in such a small, intimate setting. A survivor of this incident told me he saw one of the so-called ‘musicians’ pluck a 40 Hz sine wave out of the air, perform a manual linear fold on it, then thread it through the ears of a man in the front row like floss. These are sick, dangerous individuals.”

At press time, the band were seen diligently sweeping up the smashed panes of glass that they had used for all their snare hits.

Every Tool Album Ranked

Posted on by Tyler Roland

We desperately needed to raise our IQ by a few points, so we decided to re-listen to Tool’s five full-length albums and deliver a comprehensive ranking of them. If you are intimidated by this musical monolith and are looking to get started, or are just hoping to have your smug sense of superiority that stems from listening to a band that uses the letter “Æ” validated a little, our ranking of every Tool album is here for your convenience.

5. Undertow (1993)

Coming hot off the heels of their edgy, middle-finger-to-the-priest debut EP Opiate, Undertow sounds more like a pissed-off Soundgarden than the holier-than-thou musical mathematicians we know today. Check those sick drop-d riffs and slightly esoteric lyrical themes, though – they hit the ground running. Still, if you’re looking to “spiral out,” as the kids say, this isn’t the best place to start.

Play it again: “Flood,” the only track on here that vaguely resembles the epics Tool would go on to craft that last almost an entire high school geometry period.
Skip it: “Disgustipated,” unless you’re on shrooms with a friend you’re looking to piss off.

4. Fear Inoculum (2019)

This is what people who don’t like Tool think Tool sounds like. The six “main” tracks all run over ten minutes. You get the sense that the shortest of these, the 10:05 “Culling Voices,” was carefully dragged out just to get it over 9:59. The interludes are just ridiculous – they can’t even let their strongest asset, drummer Danny Carey, rip without including an incredibly irritating synthesizer on “Chocolate Chip Trip.” We haven’t even gotten to the level of pretension required to name a song “Pneuma.” This thing wasn’t worth waiting for thirteen months – let alone thirteen years.

Play it again: “7empest” actually twists this album’s weakness (that it sounds like a non-fan’s interpretation of Tool) into its strengths, with moments that recall the band’s history and a kickass guitar solo chucked in for good measure.
Skip it: “Pneuma” and every single crummy interlude they threw in as a “bonus” on the digital version.

3. 10,000 Days (2006)

Ah, now we’re getting into the hotly-contested top three. With a catalog this small, Tool’s fourth album is equally argued as being one of their best and one of their worst. We ranked it exactly in the middle so as not to piss any Tool diehard off, but some stellar moments are on this thing. The emotional climaxes of the title track and “Rosetta Stoned,” the former teary-eyed and the latter tongue-in-cheek, both work. Experiencing the pair might clue you in as to why so many fans of this band willingly walk around with a shirt bearing generic insult meaning ‘douche.’

Play it again: That title track is a genuinely moving song. You don’t need to be a Freemason to appreciate its power.
Skip it: It would be cheating to choose the “Viginti Tres” soundscape or the “Lipan Conjuring” interlude, so we’ll go with “Vicarious” for its lyrics that reek of a parent yelling at you to turn off the television.

2. Ænima (1996)

With muddy, hard-hitting production and songs dealing with everything from hookers with penises to musings on the psychological theories brought forth by the late Carl Jung, this is the reason why Tool fans are so fanatical about this band. It’s annoying to type out the title on an American keyboard, but [ed. note…*sigh* ctrl+c, ctrl+v] Ænima is a bonafide classic.

Play it again: “Third Eye” is a worthy successor to “The End” by The Doors, only without the Oedipus stuff. Hopefully we didn’t give Tool any ideas.
Skip it: How is a track named “Stinkfist” overplayed? Oh well, it is. Basic butt rock by Tool’s standards, pun not intended.

1. Lateralus (2001)

Cries of “spiral out, bro!” notwithstanding, this album is worthy of at least some of the Reddit-honed comparisons to The Dark Side of the Moon that it’s been gifted. From that earth-shattering scream in “The Grudge” to the final jam that is “Triad,” Lateralus is a phenomenal record if viewed in a vacuum devoid of vape clouds and ear gauges. Apart from the last track…

Play it again: Tracks 1-12.
Skip it: Track 13…well, unless you really want to open your third eye and ride the spiral, etc., etc…

 

Check out more rankings of your favorite bands

 

 

 

 

 

Review: boygenius “the record”

Posted on by John Danek

Supergroups are often far less than the sum of their parts, but it would be a mistake to write off boygenius’ debut full-length as a whimsical side project for the trio’s illustrious members. “the record” contains some of the most brutal technical death metal and blackened crust tracks this side of Scandinavia.

Opening track “Without You Without Them” provides a quick, haunting prelude before the album hurtles into the crushing brutality of “$20.” Drummer Phoebe Bridgers’ (Goregrifters, Decrapitated) frantic, chaotic rhythms lay the jagged foundation that allow her fellow musicians to discover new depths of sonic bile. Bridgers unleashes double-kick blast beats so tight, you’d be forgiven for thinking she has four legs. The drumming in “Emily I’m Sorry” simulates gunfire and artillery perhaps a little too well— I was so scared while listening in my car that I accidentally drove into a froyo shop and hit three people and destroyed two frozen yogurt machines.

If guitarist Lucy Dacus’ (Botched Vasectomy, Mausoleum Hemsworth) dizzying sweep picking doesn’t leave your shoes covered in vomit, her revolting 8-string guitar tone will. The grinding, clanging chugs carry “Cool About It” to its epic, dissonant conclusion. Eat your fucking heart out, Meshuggah. Normally I’d complain about a 6-minute guitar solo like in “Anti-Curse,” but Lucy’s fretboard gymnastics never lull for a second.

Vocalist Julien Baker (30,000 Megatons of Shit, Casketweaver) summons sounds out of her voice that few humans have ever produced. Vicious pig squeals, guttural growls, and ghoulish black metal shrieks all make the record a horrifying, hypnotic experience. Her screams on “Satanist” make Behemoth’s “The Satanist” sound like Gordon Lightfoot. boygenius’ lyrics traffic in blasphemy in ways that would make Anton LeVey blush.

boygenius have just laid waste to the ideas of what a metal supergroup can be. Bloodbath, Dead Cross, and The Haunted all better take notes, lest they be left in the trail of brain chunks and spinal fluid left behind by “the record.”

Score: 5 out of 5 botched vasectomies

We Looked Back at Those Demos We Gave Out Sophomore Year and They Are Even More Embarrassing Than We Remember

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

It was the summer between Freshman and Sophomore year. I demoed 3 new songs and gave them out to anyone that would take one on the last day of school. And now that I’m listening again? Oof. Way more embarrassing than I remembered. Like, WAY more.

I knew they weren’t perfect. I was a bratty little emo kid at the time and it showed on those songs. I figured it would be listenable at least. But I was wrong. So wrong.

Whenever we played live we were tight but for some reason in the recordings, the drums are just a little off from the guitar and bass. Wait, were we out of sync live too but just never noticed? Oh God, I wonder how many of my bands actually sucked this whole time.

This sounds awful. How is there so much tinny reverb? Where did that even come from?

Then the real source of shame: The vocals. These were some of the cringiest, pseudo-poetic Conor Oberst knock-off lyrics, dripping with Melodyne artifacts on every word. The harmonies sound like a robot!

Every song was about this girl Julie from my bio class, despite my assuring everyone they definitely were in no way about her. It’s totally a coincidence her name is in the lyrics and that the girl I’m singing about is described as looking exactly like her wearing that green hoodie she wears literally every day. Everyone had to have known, right? How could they not?!

Wow, I’m embarrassed for younger me just thinking about this now. Brutal. It’s crazy to think how dumb and weird and not-self-aware I was back then. Anyway, check out my latest record which I assure you is not about the barista at the Starbucks next to my apartment and is totally meant to be microtonal.