Steve Carrington’s Canadian girlfriend. We’ve all heard this stuff before, but it’s so incredibly unbelievable that I genuinely thought Steve was joking for like a year. It honestly blew me away when he kept insisting that she really existed. Still, that was nothing compared to how shocked I was to learn that Chloe Long is real.
Perhaps most incredible of all is the fact that learning this didn’t actually improve my opinion of Steve, like, at all.
Steve Carrington, who I should emphasize has never been cool for a single moment of his goddamn life, really does have a super hot girlfriend who lives in Canada. She visited town last weekend, and honestly, she really seems great. I’m really happy for Steve, who once lost his shoe inside a revolving door and then the other shoe trying to get the first shoe back.
Chloe seems happy with Steve, despite his complete and utter lack of positive or even particularly interesting qualities. I know they don’t need my approval for their relationship, but I also know for a fact that when Steve was 17 he drove his mom’s car over a borrowed skateboard and claimed it “couldn’t handle his skills.” I don’t know if Chloe knows that story, or if it would change her opinion of him. I know that she should, and it ought to, but whatever.
I still don’t know if Steve and Chloe were actually dating when he started telling this story in middle school. It seems absolutely ridiculous, but fuck me, apparently, anything’s possible. If the story can be true when Steve is 31 and routinely gets ignored by bartenders, why couldn’t it be true when he was 14 and put a fake Smirnoff label on a plastic water bottle to try and impress us?
I just don’t know what to make of this. If we’re lucky, Chloe might visit more often in the future, which would make spending time with Steve way more bearable. The whole thing got me wondering about that other kid at school who kept talking about his “uncle who worked at Nintendo.” Nah, fuck you, Colin Fils-Aime, I still don’t believe you.
Okay, let’s face it. Ian Duncan is too self-involved to even care that a school shooting is taking place. He’ll already be home by the time the SWAT team arrives. But the more likely scenario is him not even being on campus due to a 3-day alcohol binge.
Buddy is that one guy on campus who, towards the end of the school year, appears out of nowhere and you ask yourself, “Has he been enrolled here this whole time?” He’s so forgettable that a campus shooter would walk right past him and not even realize he was there. If anything, Buddy’s looking to get shot just to fit in.
Nobody knows who inhabits the racially ambiguous, gray unitard-wearing, Human Being, but one thing is certain, due to his vision being obscured, he’ll knock himself out the moment he turns a corner.
Pierce is the type of person who would push a handicapped person out of the way to get himself to safety. In a school shooting situation he would do one of two things, he’ll either grab a gun and join the shooter or he’ll pay the gunman a million dollars to spare his life but on the condition he also gets to shoot one student of his choosing.
Sometimes authority figures can give the false illusion of safety and protection. That’s why if you were to run into Greendale School Board members Richie Countee and Carl Bladt, you should run the other way. They will only slow you down with their befuddled gaze when you try to warn them about the active shooter. They’ll assume you’re talking about alcohol and then ask you to point them in the direction of said “shots.”
Stopping the gunman would not be one of Star-Burns’ priorities. He’d take the opportunity to start looting the campus of any valuables. He’d break into lockers, offices, and probably even wallets off of dead classmates. Because of the optics of his crimes, he would probably be charged as an accessory to the gunman.
It’s generally a good rule of thumb to not put your trust in happy-go-lucky people because oftentimes they’re full of shit. Professor Whitman unironically repeats the phrase “Carpe Diem,” which means that the moment he’s staring death in the face, he will crumble like the glorified fortune cookie aphorism he pretends to subscribe to. There will be a lot of tears and little seizing of the day.
Elroy would be one of the first to flee campus. He would jump in his RV and skip town, never to return. He’ll vow to never step foot in a “white man’s town” ever again.
This German coward would be useless in this situation. He’ll use his two goons as a distraction to run away. That’s why you should never trust someone who plays foosball.
I have one rule I live by: Never trust a white guy in a dashiki. Especially one that’s repulsed by the Whoopi Goldberg classic “Ghost.” The only way Professor Holly would be of any use is if, for some strange reason, the gunman broke out in song and sang “Unchained Melody” by The Righteous Brothers.
Fake Moby and Dean Pelton impersonator, Faux-by, doesn’t have a mind of his own. If there’s nobody there to tell him what to do, he will freeze up and stand completely still, hoping people will mistake him for a house plant.
Despite being the Dean of Greendale Community College, Craig Pelton, will most likely lock himself in his office and scream until the loud noises stop. Only after the gunman is apprehended will he realize those fireworks he heard were actually an AR-15. His first thought will be how this affects Greendale’s reputation. His second thought is if Jeff Winger made it out unscathed.
Leonard has hit that point in life where nothing matters. He lives life as if there’s no tomorrow because, well, he’s old as shit. If you think he’s gonna give two fucks about a gunman storming Greendale, you got another thing coming. The most Leonard will muster is a middle finger in the air while muttering, “Up yours, nerd,” as he continues to eat his chicken fingers.
Sure, Koogler might be that cool teacher you brag to your friends about well into your late 30s who you have to continuously defend with phrases like, “Well, 2007 was a different time,” but unless you’re a beach blonde bombshell with “huge knockers” you better believe he won’t care about your fate.
Meghan has the perfect combination of mean girl energy and self-loathing. This would make anyone think she’d be a worthy adversary against an impotent school shooter, however, her easy capitulation to Abed’s trash talk means that she’s all bark and no bite.
Since Rich is exactly the type of person to hide a zombie bite, it’s obvious he’s always looking out for number one. He, undoubtedly, will use the nearest person as a human shield and then memorialize the poor soul as if he actually gave a shit about them.
Professor Cornwallis will be rather perturbed to fall victim to the failings of American gun regulation as he’s far too smart and British to be caught up in some little incel’s vengeance plot. He’ll remind everyone that the UK has very strict gun laws and has had only 2 school shootings since 1996.
There’s no question in my mind that Vaughn would be the first to approach the gunmen, hoping his charm is persuasive enough to disarm him. But, unfortunately, “Yo bro-chacho, let’s hug it out” is the best he can come up with. After, inevitably, getting shot he utters his last words: “This is so not tight.”
Actor and Greendale alumni, Luis Guzman, has enough star power to make a gunman briefly stop and gush over his performance in 2000’s “Traffic.” Luis will get a free pass to safety and you best believe he’s gonna take it.
Britta is known for being both pro-social justice and anti-establishment so she’s not afraid of telling the gunman like it is. She’ll equip herself with snide remarks about the gunman’s lack of female attention is due to deep seeded maternal issues, or, what she calls an “odysseus” complex. However, once she gets his attention she’ll quickly apologize before running away.
This corporate puppet has no clue how to act outside the bounds of his corpo-humanization handbook. He’ll be running around campus like a headless chicken, humming outdated Subway jingles and wondering out loud if Quiznos was behind this attack. Luckily for him, after the dust clears, Subway (the company) will likely settle out of court and pay him millions and millions of dollars.
If you’ve listened to this whole album, which we are willing to bet most of you haven’t, this probably comes as no surprise to you. We are all for bands experimenting with their sound, just not like this. The worst part about this whole thing is that the album doesn’t make us want to do anything the band suggests we do to it; except for die to, because then we wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.
This one features artists like YUNGBLUD, Nova Twins, and Amy Lee. It also has an appearance from BABYMETAL, a band with a strong following of middle-aged men who definitely only like the group for their musicianship and absolutely nothing else. The album starts off super strong with the fast, highly moshable track “Dear Diary,” but the vibe quickly shifts with whatever the hell “Parasite Eve” is. The rest of the album ebbs and flows until Amy Lee sends the listener off choked-up and teary-eyed, as she’s been known to do.
Not only did this album launch BMTH into the spotlight, it also made frontman Oli Sykes the heartthrob of every middle-school-aged girl with a Hot Topic aesthetic, and, speaking personally here, some middle-school-aged boys fitting the same description. While CYB certainly wasn’t doing anything new, it nailed a sound that many bands at the time were desperately trying to attempt. Thankfully, most “____core” bands from this era have either evolved or faded into obscurity. Let’s hope those that did never return.
The band’s second full-length was a true sophomore album in every sense. They showed growth but were still kinda immature and cringe. Between the music video for “Chelsea Smile” and the infamous “I partied naked with Bring Me The Horizon” merch drop, the boys seemed to be trying to craft this bizarre scene jock image. If you can look past that though, the album is still pretty solid.
This album has it all; riffs, breakdowns, sing-alongs, and dance tracks featuring Grimes. “amo” was, at the time, easily the band’s most ambitious release in terms of experimentation and blending genres; and it worked, really well. The commercial success of this one came as a surprise to many, with tracks like “medicine” even getting play in large grocery store chains, serving as a harsh reminder to former scenesters turned suburbanites that they used to be cool, and that those holes in their ears aren’t going to close.
Oli always, like, kind of sort of teased singing on previous releases, but “Sempiternal” was the album that would give him a new signature sound, and the band’s eventual Tik-Tok stardom (unbeknownst to literally everyone at the time.) What was obvious to most is that this was the album that would shape the band’s sound from here on out, which some liked, and others still aren’t over. “Sempiternal” also gave us the “this is sand pit turtle” meme, which is still funny as far as we’re concerned.
No one expected a band like Bring Me to put out an album that you could play in the car with your parents and they’d tolerate. And let’s face it, your parents have hated everything you’ve ever done since you decided to major in poetry in college. Put simply, this is a really good, accessible rock album. If you were still trying to gatekeep the band at this point, you really had your work cut out for you.
This album is so good that we are willing to overlook the annoyingly long title, but it was the style of the time after all. BMTH did the seemingly impossible with this one; evolved their sound in a way that even the metalcore purists could get down with. This release essentially came with an announcement that fans should expect the unexpected from them moving forward, and that whatever they decided to do, it would be good. Besides “Music To Listen To…” of course.
