ATLANTA — A bombshell accusation was made against so-called do-it-yourself band Slither In which revealed the band bought premade instruments for which they use to make their music, sources who were not mad but disappointed confirmed.
“I used to respect these guys as an integral part of the DIY scene,” said dejected basement show fan Elle Topher. “They’d come to shows, set up all their own equipment, do their own mic checks, and you’d think ‘Ok, these guys are legit DIY.’ Then they’d take out their instruments. They were perfect. They clearly weren’t crafted from driftwood or stolen lumber from a construction site. What’s the point of even seeing a house show if the drums aren’t made of trash cans? Next they’re going to tell me they bought their clothing premade from a store.”
Members of Slither In were taken by surprise by the negative reception to their store-bought, albeit sell-out, instruments.
“The crowd was going nuts while I was setting up my homemade pedalboard,” explained Slither In lead guitarist and heartless deceiver Jackie Monroe. “The second I bring out my guitar to plug it in, the crowd goes dead silent. They ask me what name is on the guitar, I tell them Gibson. They freak out, screaming ‘is your name Gibson?’ Luckily before a riot started we sent our bassist to put some rubber bands over an empty tissue box and staple it to a yard stick, and that calmed the crowd down a bit. Shit sounded terrible when we covered Red Hot Chilli Peppers.”
The negative reaction to Slither In has made waves across social media, compelling DIY luminaries to weigh in.
“Fake DIY has always been a problem,” explained Peter Squibb of the National DIY Institute, headquartered in his neighbor’s basement. “If a band really wants DIY credibility they need to go out into the woods and Minecraft their instruments from scratch. I don’t want to see a DIY band play unless they’re rocking on crudely hewn instruments that sound like dogshit. I used to be in a band and I absolutely crushed with dried reeds stretched over two sticks.”
At press time Slither In was receiving more criticism for using Eventbrite rather than smearing goat’s blood on people’s doors with the showtime.
Looking like Danzig probably isn’t going to do you a lot of favors if you’re looking to climb the corporate ladder. But if you’re looking to level up through class ranks, you’re in luck. You know who’s willing to pay for their hobby, despite what your LinkedIn profile picture looks like? Dungeon Masters who probably look like you anyway.
Or just go straight to being a Dungeon Master. You can even wear a cloak if you want to. You can do voices, right? We think you should do voices. What’s the difference between a troll and an elf? Work it out.
You know how to totally avoid judgment of your appearance? Put on a full-body HAZMAT suit. And with all of the spooky paraphernalia you’ve been collecting your whole life, dealing with hazardous waste will be a cakewalk. As a bonus, they’ll probably let you keep any horrifying thing you find.
Fine, “Cryptozoologist,” nerd. Whatever you call it, the weirder you look the better. Now get out there and tell that camera why you missed this elusive beast again!
Think the eerie Newport mansions, where every opulent hallway and room is shrouded in haunting melancholy. The Gothic spires and ominous shadows cast by the grand chandeliers make you feel right at home. As a bonus, everyone knows that thick jet-black hair means you are immune to ghosts.
A.K.A. Funeral Home Employee. We don’t think you’re up for the director title just yet. Plus, no one’s looking at you. The families are much more focused on the grief and the exorbitant amount you are charging for a casket. We just can’t believe they picked a KISS casket over an Official Original Misfits™ one.
Dead men tell no tales and dead animals absolutely don’t judge. Even if you form their cute little inanimate faces into kind of a judgy frown, you fucking weirdo. Who else can turn a hobby of stuffing the once-living into a career of perpetual still life? Only a face not even a mother would give a job to.
If you can deal with the smell, you’re in! No questions asked. Maybe besides… What do you normally do that this doesn’t bother you? As you mop up the remnants of someone’s last bad day, remember, you’re the one who never learned to read a tab.
Yes, more suit stuff. But hey, at least you’re the center of attention this time, even if it’s the outfit getting all the laughs. Just watch out, the last guy got his eyes gouged out by a child trying to reach into the dinosaur’s mouth.
You don’t even have to do anything real! Just buy a machine that beeps, and then yell “apparition” or something from time to time. And who knows? With your spooky aura, maybe some real spirits will show up, and you’ll be back on a lesser History Channel.
You know the kind of place. Maybe it’s called “Duke’s” or something. They have a greaser type, a punk, a hipster. You might have to grow a beard but you’ll make it work. You’ll get along well with the lady next to you who is still trying to explain the moral ambiguity of her serial killer portrait sleeve. And obviously, you’ll be known for crafting perfect devilocks.
This one is simple. You get to wear a big Crocodile Dundee hat, and it pretty much covers your face.
Another easy one. People are looking at the falcon. You’re not the star of this show, bud.
The need for N64s is back, and you’re ready to fill that market gap. You might be worried about having to interact with people when dropping off packages at the post office, but after learning about Stamps.com on your favorite D&D Podcast, you can avoid the small talk entirely. It’s just you and Mario from here on out.
Put that spooky look to the test. Buy a hauntingly distinctive mansion in Bangor, ME and lock yourself away until you’ve produced the next Dreamcatcher. We’ve never read Dreamcatcher actually, is it any good?
You’ve got a face for radio and a voice for the void. Just make that 80th Squarespace ad read sound a little more natural, please.
Certainly, the mask helps. And the bees don’t care about your face, they’re more interested in your fear.
Sorry if this is so obvious but we’re just trying to be helpful. They’ll even compliment you on your weird Jack Skellington tattoo that you got when you were 15 and asked a man in a dirty garage to trace from a picture of Pete Wentz.
The humans are all at work anyway. Just hope a man that looked like Danzig didn’t abandon this scared rescue dog you’re about to pick up.
Mother! Actually, keeping her in the dark for life is a pretty good idea. A mother needs a dark wet area to flourish, so keep it healthy and you’ve got a gut-healthy good business in your closet. Sell it spiked on the side for some extra cash.
We’re saying get a job as the guy who buys pig blood for Rob Zombie movies. It’s not about who you are, it’s about how real the gore looks. And maybe how cheap you can get a gallon of… something’s blood.
The four-piece’s final studio album was a solid swan song but sadly one record had to be listed in the dreaded lowest position, and this moon with a curious amount of loopholes loses. Still, like all Fountains of Wayne LPs, this one is awesome, and it’s, of course, critically acclaimed. Admittedly a little folkier than their previous four LPs, likely inspired by their prior acoustic rock and roll tours, “Sky Full Of Holes” comes in at number five mostly because it had the least amount of replay spins in the band’s concise catalog that is not sponsored by Victoria’s Secret but endorsed by High Times. This makes sense because all rockers eventually grow fold!
Hip-hop, country music, and post-grunge squall, yep, we said squall, can take a partial summer vacation, as we’re applying some number forty-five sunblock and putting up a sign saying, “Gone fishing for power pop!”: 2007 was a superb year for pop-rock or whatever a California sex lawyer wants to call it with Jimmy Eat World’s underrated “Chase This Light” LP, Mae’s also underrated “Singularity” record, Say Anything’s tad long but still tasty “In Defense of the Genre,” and “The Big Doe Rehab” from klezmer mastermind Ghostface Killah. However, Fountains of Wayne’s fourth album “Traffic and Weather” got lost in a miserable combo of bad LA traffic and worse Woodland Hills weather. Still, “Maureen” is one of the band’s catchiest, and we’re not tipping over any seatbacks/tray tables for saying such. We want you around so please read below for our takes on the group’s first three.
As you know, you only get one chance to make a debut record. The band’s self-titled offering, is a solid 90s pop-rock record and a debut that sets the smart and well-constructed tone for the band’s following four LPs. Barbara H., Barbara Streisand, Barbara Bush, and the script from Pamela Anderson’s Nobel prize-winning “Barbed Wire” must be proud of FOW for starting things off in style, elegantly showcasing that the band has got a flair for the dramatics/department store stylings.
We know that you won’t admit that you’re here because of the band’s biggest hit by a millennium and this album’s amazing single “Stacy’s Mom,” but we know the truth about you, your family, your lack of friends, and your lack of taste about all things life. Anyway, “Welcome Interstate Managers” opens with Fountains of Wayne’s best song “Mexican Wine,” and if you haven’t heard such, we implore you to stop reading this ranking piece right now and take a few minutes out of your non-busy schedules to spin it. If you previously heard said track, you’re in the oh-so-cool club, but if you disagree with our take on the track, you’re not only dead to us, but you deserve to rot in a dump. Also, you may have a Napster version of “Stacy’s Mom” incorrectly tagged as Bowling for Soup.
We once read in an inferior publication that “Utopia Parkway,” Fountains of Wayne’s only “no skip” studio album was endorsed by Sir Elton “I Am Not Billy Joel” John, and you should totally fact check us, because once you do, you will learn that Reginald actually phoned the band to sing its praises. Badass. While this album was both a grower and a shower sales size, its quirky single “Denise” which references the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy, was a minor hit for fans of life. Overall, “Utopia Parkway” is far from a sophomore slump, and the band metaphorically created an exciting laser show for all but antisemite Roger “Pink Floyd Now Has A Shitstain On Their Sonic Legacy” Waters with this record. We hope that several of its songs become prom themes for eternity and that you have a good day.
Sometimes all you need to deter a potential attacker or Disney fan is to set strong verbal boundaries. Project confidence and be clear on your intent. Let them know right away they picked the wrong victim to talk mouse with.
Another thing that can scare an attacker off is attention. Wave your arms around and loudly tell everyone around you “Hey everybody! This guy just said ‘The magic of Disney’ to me sincerely! He wants to know my top 3 princesses, help!” With any luck, the potential Disney adult will crack under the heat and flee to a dark alley where they belong.
Legs straight, toes pointing forward, feet shoulder-width apart. Hold your arms in front of your body, with closed fists and elbows slightly bent. Let your attacker know you’re ready to do whatever is necessary should they try to talk Disney at you.
Even if you’re confident you can take your opponent, they’re bound to get in a few annoying lines of creepy corporate worship before you neutralize them. Always avoid conflict if you can. Distract them by pointing behind them and saying “Is that Prince Eric?” then become one with the shadows.
Research has shown that even an adult who watches old episodes of “Zack & Cody” has enough cognitive activity to be deterred by blunt strikes to the chin. It’s sort of like punching a shark. It doesn’t do much damage, but they’ll instinctively swim off for an easier one-sided conversation about Splash Mountain.
If you’ve ever swung a hammer you can land this blow, and let your would-be conversation hijacker know that they’re in for a whole new world of pain if they don’t shut up about the benefits of season passes to “the kingdom.”
Use your cunning. Tell the Disney adult that there simply isn’t enough room for your Disney talk style here. Point to a small rowboat off the pier, and suggest taking it to a small island where there is more room. Once they get in the boat, push it adrift. Hand the rope over to a pack of vengeful children who will delight in taunting a grown adult who happily shells out $300 for their own lightsaber.
If your opponent can’t see, they can’t access their photo album and prove to you that they have in fact met every legacy character at both Orlando and Anaheim.
In a street Disney adult situation, there is rarely time to think. Just bash the hardest part of your body into the softest spot on theirs you can find and run.
If you’re starting from the outside you can recruit your abdominals to give that elbow strike some extra power. They’ll be on the ground faster than you can say “You’re talking about a company that banned ‘ethnic’ hairstyles for their employees until like 2 years ago, stop loving them.”
Most Disney adults are also Harry Potter fans, and this fake-out move exploits that. Casually mention the franchise, and just before they tell you which house they’re in, hit them with “Don’t you think it’s troubling to support a property created by a transphobic TERF like JK Rowling?” They’ll short-circuit like a robot trying to solve a riddle. Just watch out for the sparks.
When you’re in a corner and someone is in your personal space praising CGI-laden live-action remakes of animated classics, there’s no time to think. You’re going to want to strike them with as much force as possible as fast as possible. A quick knee strike to the abdomen should incapacitate your corporate shill attacker long enough for you to run away and live happily ever after.
You’re enjoying a coffee at a cafe with a rainbow flag out front. You think you’re in a safe space. You’re approached by someone in a well-cultivated thrift shop garb and a “them/they” pin on the lapel of their coat. “What could go wrong?” you think. Suddenly, they ask how many times you’ve seen the latest movie by Disney, a company that shies away from making characters openly gay so that their films sell better in China. The push kick is your ticket to some much-needed distance between you and whatever the hell that’s all about.
Some people call Disney a cult and accuse their fans of being lemmings who would blindly jump off a cliff at the company’s behest. This is categorically false. Lemmings do not jump off cliffs. That is a myth created by the 1958 Disney nature documentary “White Wilderness” in which filmmakers threw lemmings off of a cliff and edited the footage to make it look like they jumped—that’s fucking true. If you’re cornered by someone who can turn a blind eye to that because the Lion King soundtrack “slaps,” you’re going to want them completely incapacitated as fast as possible, so go with a rear naked choke if you can pull it off.
You accidentally roll your eyes at the mention of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in front of the wrong person. Suddenly they’re an inch away from you demanding you name a more compelling villain than Thanos, the purple alien. Here are two more compelling villains for you: a quick knee to the groin and a fast getaway!