SAN DIEGO – Local man Colin Rafferty found a way to break up the soul-crushing monotony of living his creative dreams by taking on a part-time data entry gig to decompress, bewildered and envious sources confirmed.
“When your livelihood involves doing all of the amazing things you’ve wanted to do since you were a kid, it all becomes so stressful,” Rafferty stated while opening up multiple browser tabs and applications before unwittingly locking himself into a six-hour shift. “I can play the shit out of a guitar, edit videos, and generate short-form viral content, but when all is said and done, the things that once brought me joy are now jobs with their own sets of rules and conditions. But when I’m tasked with producing digital copies of medical records, I feel at peace with the world.”
Rafferty’s boss, Michael Daley, suggests that his latest new hire is delusional, but quietly reaps the benefits of finally having an employee who’s devoted to the job for all the wrong reasons.
“Colin keeps calling this job his ‘new hobby,’ which frustrates me to no end, but the guy knows how to get the work done,” asserted Daley, whose team has boasted record-breaking productivity during Rafferty’s short tenure. “He keeps calling his direct deposit and health care package ‘unexpected perks,’ but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t a valuable asset to our team, as stupid as he is. He seriously went from doing whatever creative shit he wants to do all the time, on his own terms, to asking HR if he can take Christmas day off to spend time with his girlfriend.”
Fellow content creator and veteran moonlighter Casey Mitchells suggests that Rafferty should just settle down with a soul-crushing day job.
“Doing what you love for a living fucking sucks,” said Mitchells before reluctantly breaking away for a Zoom meeting with her social media team. “When you work for an actual company, you take on no risk, and there’s something to be said about showing up, putting your hours in, and going home at the end of the day without a worry in the world. Colin is 25 years old, but he looks like he’s 45. The fact that he’s genuinely happy being a cog in the machine should be alarming, but I really just hope he sticks with it for his mental health.”
At press time, Rafferty was spotted trying to cancel band practice so he could pick up an extra shift.