Old age comes for all skaters. Knees weak from jumping down the four block at the local park, tired livers from drinking Modelos every night for three decades. You used to have the best frontside flip in the entire county, and now you can’t even drag yourself to the couch to pop in that withered DVD copy of “Baker 3” without assistance. What the hell!
Don’t fret, old man. There’s a special nursing home designed just for you and all your hesh buddies, and they even built a dedicated wing for all the “CKY” fans.
It’s a riot in the CKY Wing, and they’ve got special activities tailor-made just for you. On Monday afternoons, you’ll get free reign to slap around the Don Vito blow-up doll in the rec room. Every Friday, there’s an electric wheelchair demolition derby. And every Sunday night, you’ll be treated to readings from Thrasher by Raab Himself. Seem too good to be true? It definitely is.
You’ll probably have trouble sleeping most evenings, as your neighbor will most likely be blasting “96 Quite Bitter Beings” through the night. And when the music subsides, you’ll have to deal with your roommate quizzing you on who kicked that 75-yard game-winning field goal in 1986. You’ll notice that I’m only using masculine pronouns in this little write-up – it goes without saying that no woman would ever subject herself to this debased life you’ve chosen for yourself.
Residents are assisted through various stages of the aging process. Some can still drop in with just a little hand-holding, while others struggle to even remember the differences between Tony Hawk’s Underground and Tony Hawk’s Underground 2. (You cannot play as Benjamin Franklin in THUG 1.) Our services aim to meet our patients exactly where they’re at, which is likely blacked out and covered in cheesesteak behind the American flag bowl at FDR Park in Philly.
Sadly, every week residents from the CKY Wing are lost. But rest easy knowing that when you do pass into the great West Chester, Pennsylvania in the sky, we promise to fashion you with a set of angel wings and shoot you out of a cannon like Johnny Knoxville in the new “Jackass.”