All the ‘Hellraiser’ Films Ranked By How Good They Are to Show at Your Marriage Counseling Sessions

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

You can only refer to your spouse as Pinhead so many times. “It’s not a cute nickname!” she says. If only she understood this was actually a compliment, for Pinhead is the leader of the Cenobites! You try to explain to your wife the ins and outs of the ‘Hellraiser’ series, while she insists on spending any mutual free time in marriage counseling sessions. Can you save your marriage while appreciating the work of horror master Clive Barker? Luckily, this ranking will help you prioritize which installments to use as illustrative points. Look lovingly at the licensed therapist before whispering “We have such sights to show you,” only to launch into your deck presentation covering all eleven ‘Hellraiser’ entries.

11. Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Yes, the ninth installment was produced solely so Dimension Films could retain franchise rights. Yes, this was made in less than three weeks. Yes, this may be one of the worst horror films you’ve ever seen. Still, you absolutely love it. You’ve seen it umpteen times. You use the “found footage” aspect as justification to film more vacations together, even maybe in Mexico per the film. You mention that this is the first release of the franchise (unfortunately) without Doug Bradley as Pinhead, showing how we can change and grow past old attachments. You use it as an example of how powerful a shared vision can be: when you come together as a team, you can complete a project in record time (even if it is a hot mess, oddly comparable to your neglected marriage.)

10. Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

“This one has a party train! Wouldn’t using public transportation be more fun? We could be a conscientious couple,” you plead, showing clips of the seventh installment. The dreary Romanian setting does you no favor. But there is an ambitious female journalist as a protagonist (a recurring theme of the series), one that you accidentally and condescendingly point to as a potential role model. “Please turn this off,” the therapist asks, especially during the unpleasant black and white flashbacks. Your wife mocks the title: “Deader? Really?” and for some reason, this makes you begin to cry. Not to worry, you’re able to dry your eyes with the collar of your official Pinhead flannel from Hot Topic.

9. Hellraiser: Judgment (2018)

“The tenth one isn’t that bad!” you find yourself saying. When has the tenth installment of anything been worthwhile? How fortuitous that you’re about to unpack ‘Hellraiser: Judgment’ in this cramped office. New characters! You’ve gotta love The Auditor. Also, this one has a sense of humor! Sharing jokes from this film with those stuffy executives is actually why you lost your old job. Significant as the last film in the series before it was all rebooted, the end of an era. You want to hold space and recognize how major this entry is, as personally significant as your marriage. If anything the ‘Hellraiser’ series teaches you to set expectations, be realistic, embrace “what is.” This backfires, as your wife doesn’t appreciate the comparison of your marriage to the “direct-to-video” tenth installment of a supernatural horror franchise.

8. Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)

The final film here to have a theatrical release, you use ‘Hellraiser’ entry number four to illustrate creativity and potential. The multiple time period plot device sees this film oscillate between the 1790s, current day and centuries into the future with scenes set aboard a space station. However, it’s Adam Scott’s presence that you use as an illustrative point. “Look where he started, and now look at him! He’s Adam Scott! Just like our marriage, we have potential to grow.” Both the therapist and your wife encourage moving away from vague meaningless metaphors. You at least point to the canine Cenobite as justification for potentially adopting a pet. Your wife vetoes the idea, citing every dead houseplant in your cramped one-bedroom apartment.

7. Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)

The sixth film has the best ending of the franchise, hands down. They bring back Ashley Laurence, an actress from the earliest roots of the franchise! What a fantastic return. The therapist’s patience is tried as you fast-forward to the finale, making an illustrative point on finishing strong, a.k.a. seeing this marriage through to the end. Your wife asks you to skip the acupuncture scenes as she has a fear of needles. You ask her “How could you have a fear of needles? I talk about Pinhead all the time!” She explains that this is exactly the kind of disconnect that brought you both here, how you aren’t ever listening to her. You try to comprehend what she’s saying but you’re too distracted by the appearance of Dean Winters in this film. Isn’t he the Allstate insurance “Mayhem” guy in those commercials? That is so cool!

6. Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Surely your wife is going to enjoy this one, the eighth ‘Hellraiser’ with retro “cyber” qualities. You cite the early web aesthetic, the RPG plot and 2000s computer software design as nostalgic reference points. “You had to have one of those Nokia brick phones at one point, right babe?” you ask, tenderly attempting any connection over shared life experience. You receive no response. Maybe it’s because Henry Cavill appears in this film. Huge trigger in your relationship. She once mentioned that she found his chiseled jawline attractive, which led to a 47 hour jealousy fit where you drove into the desert and wrecked her car. But surely, you’ve changed! Henry Cavill has aged and you’ve grown too: the entire episode would totally last under a day now.

5. Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)

You really insist on the fifth entry as one your wife will enjoy. You cite the influences and tone: it’s like ‘Se7en’ meets David Lynch meets ‘Law & Order,’ to which your wife reminds you that she isn’t interested in any of the above. “I like Christmas movies and documentaries. Where have you been during our marriage?” She says you ignore her interests, but your attention is pulled by how particularly dark and murky this ‘Hellraiser’ entry is. You love it. You remind the therapist, “This director Scott Derrickson went on to make one of those ‘Doctor Strange’ films! Maybe I can direct a film in the MCU one day.” The therapist asks how your work as a data entry clerk will manifest into this brand new, never-before-mentioned goal. She elaborates on a concept known as “delusions of grandeur” but you’re too busy drawing the Lament Configuration on old TGI Friday’s napkins you found crammed in your pocket.

4. Hellraiser (1987)

You warn your wife and therapist ahead of time: this will be a controversial take. You reveal that you do not particularly enjoy the very first ‘Hellraiser’ film. Expecting a gasp or at least a raised eyebrow, your exhausted wife stares at you while the overly-patient therapist politely looks down. “It just isn’t for me!” you exclaim, diving into how the film makes you feel physically ill when you see The Chatterer, or how Butterball reminds you of being bullied during your obese youth. You wish something would cut through the silence. Light moves in a square along the carpet of the still office, an afternoon lost trying to translate your love for this franchise into a workable resolution to your marriage. Your wife gently sobs. Perhaps it is because she loves the first ‘Hellraiser’ movie too much and your lower ranking is so controversial. Yes, that must be it.

3. Hellraiser (2022)

“Perhaps this is the most important entry because it’s the reboot, which is exactly what I’d like to do to our marriage: give it a reboot!” This line doesn’t go over as well as you thought it would. Never mind that you can barely see what is going on in this dimly lit installment. You appeal to your wife’s Croatian roots by reminding her that famed actor Goran Visnjic is in this film. Also you mention Hiam Abass from ‘Succession’ appearing here, citing happier times when you both watched the HBO series together. Or rather, she watched the series and you occasionally looked over while digesting other lengthy horror franchises. The therapist calmly explains that life isn’t like a film franchise, there are no “reboots” and that instead you should focus on being grateful for each individual day, one step at a time. She says something else but you don’t hear: you’re busy checking travel details after impulsively booking a second honeymoon to Thailand without informing your wife. It’s fine, her retirement savings can cover the trip.

2. Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)

Sequel number three reminds you of the early days in your relationship: meeting in the big city and being out all night. Those warehouse dance scenes remind you of partying past dawn, plus the rotating Pillar of Souls conjures the museums and art shows you used to frequent as a nascent couple. What happened? What changed? How much do people transform over the years? Suddenly, you are strangers in bed together, performing cosplay for a facsimile of a life that felt right years ago. The flashing sliver of insight poofs away like smoke, that burst of introspection quickly ameliorated by remembering the “epic kills” in this entry. “There’s a DJ that’s literally killed by flying CDs! And then he becomes a Cenobite that shoots lethal compact discs! Can you believe it? So wicked cool.” At this point, your wife is packing her belongings while the therapist is urging you to stop talking about ‘Hellraiser’ and perhaps book a solo session.

1. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

You save most of the presentation for the second film, your favorite in the series. What’s not to love about it? It’s surreal, it retains most of the original cast, it feels like an M.C. Escher painting mixed with ‘Alice in Wonderland’ – a great improvement on the first, in your humble opinion. “Progress is possible! We can move forward, like the transition from the first ‘Hellraiser’ to the second!” You say this to an empty room, your wife having left long ago while the therapist uses an adjoining office for the next patient. You wish rattling hooked chains would fly from another dimension to rip you apart, just like the victims in these films. Your heart feels strung up and tortured, a pain worse than anything those eternal Cenobites can inflict. Like all conflicts of your life, you squash any emotion down, only to somehow stumble through another day. You make a gameplan: if your wife is home upon your return, get ready to win her back by breaking down the ‘Hellraiser’ comic books instead. Yes indeed, that’s exactly the ticket. Use the graphic novels to get your point across! You genius. Pinhead can tear your soul apart, but not your marriage.

Heartwarming! Venue Names Only Bathroom Stall After Deceased Scene Legend

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk venue Lost Star announced that it would be honoring the life of recently deceased scene legend “Rabid” Robbie Johnston by naming its only bathroom stall after him, attendees of the unveiling ceremony have reported.

“In the ten years I’ve been running the place I don’t think Robbie missed a single show. He really was the glue holding this scene together both artistically and as a weed plug. After he was crushed by a garbage truck while dumpster diving I thought the most appropriate way to commemorate his life was to name our bathroom stall after him. It was where he spent a majority of his time after all,” said owner Travis Adamski. “I know it means we’ll have to clean the toilet more than twice a year, but for Rabid Robbie it’s worth it. I hope when anyone uses it from consuming too many pickled olives and Old Styles, they’ll think of him.”

Johnston’s brother was on hand to represent his family during the naming ceremony.

“I can’t think of a higher honor for Robbie than this. Truth be told he spent a considerable amount of time passed out in the trough, but naming the stall after him is a bit more dignified. I wish the rest of my family could join us but they were worried about getting tetanus,” said Michael Johnston. “I miss him dearly, but it’s comforting to know his legacy will live on as a place where punks can write obscenities and ACAB on the stall walls like he would. Rest in power, brother.”

Despite multiple requests, the City of Oakland declined to make the venue’s stall an official memorial site.

“The fact that Johnston’s family is filing a wrongful death suit against the Department of Sanitation has nothing to do with denying the bar’s request for an official memorial plaque. It’s just that we want our commemorations reserved for community leaders and trailblazers, but we are flooded with requests to name streets and parks after some crust punk who saw Discharge 50 times,” said city hall rep Janice Jones. “That’s not to say we deny all of them, we just relegate those tributes to back alleys and bus stations, but certainly not bathroom stalls. Then again that might inspire punks to stop urinating on existing memorials.”

As of press time, the stall officially opened to the public after the ceremonial puking into the toilet.

Embarrassing! This Guy Clearly Started Singing the Words To “Guerrilla Radio” When “Testify” Came On And Everyone In the Car Heard It

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Life is full of little embarrassments. Toilet paper on your shoe, forgetting a co-worker’s name, eating an entire bowl of fake plastic fruit in front of your girlfriend’s parents and then denying that it happened. We’ve all been there. You move on, apologize, and buy new plastic fruit if necessary. But for Todd Coulstring, life would never be the same.

It was an average Monday night. Todd and his boys – Brandon, Corey, and Justin – were on their way to a gentleman’s dinner. Todd allegedly had an in with the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings and the vibe on the car ride over was jovial to say the least. Todd regaled his boys with familiar stories about the time he had to take a shit at a Faith No More concert and how he was one of the naked dudes at Woodstock ‘99. To those who knew him well, this was “Classic Todd.” But when “Testify” came on the radio, everything changed in an instant.

“He was all like, ‘Lights out! Guerrilla TESTIFY!’ as if everyone in the car would not realize the subterfuge at play,” Brandon recalled. “I was embarrassed to call him a friend. I deleted his number from my phone while he was still sitting next to me, and I texted my wife and told her to remove him from our Christmas card list.”

What was even more unnerving was the fact that Todd didn’t even say “my bad” or “ahh shit.” According to multiple reports he made no mention of the blunder and immediately became preoccupied by the air conditioner settings. Upon pulling into the parking lot, he dropped his boys off, stating they should get a table while he looked for a spot even though there were multiple empty spots. He has not been seen since.

After an outpouring of support on social media, Rage frontman Zack de la Rocha had this to say about the incident. “Super disrespectful. I mean ‘Testify’ was all about the Marxist Conflict Theory and American media’s blindness to global inequality and ‘Guerrilla Radio’ was about how the American media shapes our presidential elections. Not the same thing at all. Plus one is all like ‘Nur nur nurnur nur nur nur nur nurnur’ and the other’s all ‘Nur nur nur nur nur nur whoosh whoosh nur nur.”

If anyone knows of Todd’s whereabouts, please contact The Hard Times so that we can further investigate how an otherwise ordinary man could get two obviously different singles from “The Battle of Los Angeles” confused.

Nation’s B-List Celebrities Announce Plans to Randomly Appear in Ad for Online Casino App

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS ANGELES — B-list celebrities from every facet of the entertainment industry announced their plan to randomly appear in some casino gambling app you’ve never even heard of before, sources who always bet on black confirmed.

“We’re all super excited to help promote the seemingly unending stream of gambling apps that have hit the market in the last few years. It’s a great way for Americans to merge their addiction to gambling with their addiction to staring at their phones,” said “Suits” star Patrick J. Adams. “So be on the lookout for me, Kris Jenner, Paris Hilton, Joel McHale, and every cast member of ‘The Real Housewives’ to randomly appear on your TV or in the middle of a YouTube video shilling for some digital nightmare gambling thing that looks like it was cranked out by Russian A.I. real soon!”

Some consumers say they are confused by the sudden onslaught of celebrities appearing in the ads which even seem to include some notable A-list celebrities.

“I don’t understand what’s happening. I just saw Jennifer Lopez in an ad for some gambling app called Coin Master. And Jamie Foxx did one for MGM,” said a confused Allison Cranford from her couch. “I know a lot of mid-tier famous people do these ads, but J-Lo? Jamie Foxx? I even saw one with Kevin Hart. Do these big celebrities really need to be doing these ads? I assumed they would be concerned about their reputation. I remember when celebrities had to go to Japan to do commercials because they were too embarrassed to have them in the U.S. market. Guess those days are gone.”

Hollywood talent agent Kyle Schulster says the ads have given his clients a new revenue source in an increasingly competitive industry.

“With declining interest in movies and television, many of the actors we work with are looking for new ways to find work and stay relevant. Quite a few have done appearances on Cameo or ads for some kind of cryptocurrency, which even by Hollywood standards is pretty sleazy,” said Schulster. “I would say in about five years most celebrities won’t be acting in anything at all and will just be exclusively doing ads for casino apps and nothing else.”

At press time, the B-list celebrities also announced their plans to appear in ads for home internet service, insurance companies, car rentals, and pharmaceutical drugs for diseases you’ve never heard of.

“Home Movies” Characters Ranked by How Likely They Are to Vehemently Defend Crowdkilling

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

If you were a kid in the early 2000s who often stayed up a little too late watching Cartoon Network – or if you were one of the seven people who actually watched UPN back in 1999 – you probably stumbled upon “Home Movies” at one point or another.

The brainchild of future “Metalocalypse” co-creator Brendon Small and future “Bob’s Burgers” creator Loren Bouchard, this delightful little oddity of a show centered on a trio of misfit kids who made their very own films—all while facing the struggles of preadolescence and dealing with their alcoholic soccer coach.

Most of the characters in “Home Movies” are involved in their local creative arts scene—be it directly or by association. So, it stands to reason that a few of them would find themselves at a hardcore show every now and then. This begs the question: Who among them would staunchly defend their God-given right to whale on the poor bastards hanging out in the outskirts of the pit?

30. Ken Addleburg

Ken Addleburg may have been written as a comic relief character who has a borderline incomprehensible accent of indeterminate origin, but he’s still arguably the most responsible and well-adjusted adult in the “Home Movies” universe. That doesn’t mean he’s anti-fun, though—he just knows his moshing etiquette. He knows that willingly jumping in the pit means consenting to getting a bit roughed up. He also knows that deliberately targeting people outside the pit with your flailing limbs is a dick move.

29. Josie Small

Josie Small doesn’t know what crowdkilling is due to the fact that she’s a literal infant. Her only concerns are eating, sleeping, and shoving marbles up her nose. There will come a day where she’ll be able to comprehend the fact that she exists and look for a way to cope with it just like the rest of us. But it’s unlikely she’ll find that solace in crowdkilling. If anything, she’ll become an unfulfilled artist like her mom and brother.

28. Mike and Miguel

Performing arts camp counselors Mike and Miguel are voiced by John Flansburgh and John Linnell of They Might Be Giants. If you see someone crowdkilling at a TMBG show, either they drunkenly stumbled into the wrong venue or the end times really are upon us. Either way, Mike and Miguel wouldn’t approve.

27. Mr. Lynch

Mr. Lynch is about as square as they come. Can you imagine a middle-aged elementary school teacher with a pencil-thin mustache and a bowtie going anywhere near a hardcore or metalcore show? He wouldn’t condone a harmless circle pit, let alone crowdkilling. Just seeing a kid in an Asking Alexandria t-shirt would be enough to make him start lobbying for stricter dress codes.

26. Paula Small

Paula Small is a single mom raising a baby and an eight-year-old on a teacher’s salary (when she has a job at all, that is). You think she wants to go anywhere near a hardcore show after a long day of putting food on the table? You think she wants to be involved in crowdkilling discourse? She’s far more likely to go home, have a glass of wine, and go to bed before 10. And you know what? Good for her. Leave her alone.

25. Dr. Fizzel

Dr. Fizzel is an anger management counselor (one voiced by the late, great Mitch Hedberg, no less)—so he strongly opposes violence in all its forms. He hates crowdkilling and he’ll be sure to let you know it. Let’s be real—he probably loves Fugazi. But much like Fugazi, he may come off as a bit sanctimonious for some. To make matters worse, he often talks over his patients. Still, you can tell his heart is in the right place.

24. Nurse Kirkman

Like Dr. Fizzel, Nurse Kirkman is a medical professional. Wait—school nurses have to take the Hippocratic Oath, right? Well, assuming they do, she’d never openly condone crowdkilling. She already has to deal with puke, snot, scraped knees, and probably more puke. The last thing she needs is kids spin-kicking each other in the face at recess. However, she might quietly make an exception so long as Coach McGuirk is the one on the receiving end.

23. Cynthia

At first glance, Cynthia seems like your run-of-the-mill ballet kid. But she’s actually quite active in her local alternative music scene. More specifically, she works as a choreographer for the metal band Scäb. That said, she clearly takes her craft very seriously, and probably wouldn’t support dancing being used as a means to hurt bystanders. The only thing she kills is Brendon’s ability to not make a complete fool of himself.

22. Dwayne

Dwayne fronts the previously mentioned band Scäb—and he’s actually pretty chill as far as metalheads go. If anything, Dwayne’s liable to get crowdkilled while simply trying to cross his arms and nod his head to the music in peace. The dude is all about the vibes. Plus, he wrote a whole-ass rock opera about Franz Kafka. Do you honestly think anyone who will go to bat for crowdkilling has any idea who Franz Kafka even is?

21. Stephanie

Paula’s friend Stephanie is the definition of a wild card. Her college party animal phase lasted well into her 30s. And when she finally grew out of it, she became a cult leader. Like the pit at a hardcore show, she’s unpredictable. No matter how she feels about crowdkilling—good, bad, or indifferent—her stance is bound to change at some point. Whether it will be for the better is anyone’s guess.

20. Andrew Small

Brendon’s dad Andrew is a strange case. He’s not exactly the most present father in the world, but he’s not a complete deadbeat either. He does fun things with his son when he’s not busy being a lawyer, but he’s also content to peace out of that son’s life for long periods of time. This will probably give Brendon a complex that pushes him towards the punk scene in the first place. As for Andrew himself, he’s unlikely to defend crowdkilling—especially in the legal sense. He mostly deals in out-of-court litigation.

19. Junior Addleburg

Just because Junior Addleburg has the exact same voice as his father doesn’t mean he always shares his old man’s values. To be fair to Junior, he’s a pretty good kid. In fact, he’d probably be the first one to help you up if you were to fall down in the pit. But his peers aren’t the best influence on him. You just know Eugene is filling his squishy little head with some crap about how crowdkilling is just part hardcore—and anyone who doesn’t like it doesn’t belong in the scene.

18. Melissa Robbins

Melissa Robbins is undoubtedly the most reasonable and level-headed of the main trio of “Home Movies” characters—under normal circumstances, at least. Her rationality tends to go out the window when things get personal. She’d never be okay with crowdkilling strangers. But if you’ve wronged her in the past and she spots you just outside the pit, you’d better fucking watch yourself.

17. Brendon Small

Main protagonist Brendon Small is a rather naïve kid, but he’s never been one to advocate unnecessary violence. That said, he is still a fictionalized version of his creator/voice actor—who fronts his own cartoon heavy metal band, let’s not forget. So, Brendon has definitely been around crowdkilling in his life. He won’t openly support it, but he will absolutely film the chaos if he thinks it’ll make for good b-roll.

16. Clarice

The thing about Clarice is that while she’s not actively malicious—far from it, in fact—she tends to just smile and go along with whatever Jimmy Monet (her douchey mooch of a boyfriend) wants. She won’t explicitly defend crowdkilling, but she also won’t say a word as Jimmy laughs at Dwayne for catching an unwarranted elbow to the eye. To her credit, though, she at least had the good sense to ditch Jimmy in the end.

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Every 3 Inches of Blood Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you have been unfortunate enough to visit the YouTube comments of the video of any given metal band, you’re well aware of the ever-present arguments over which subgenre said band belongs in. Well, a couple decades ago, a certain ragtag group of gentlemen from Vancouver addressed these questions with a resounding “WHO GIVES A SHIT? SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK CARES?” If you were so inclined, you’d be able to find evidence for 3 Inches of Blood being power metal, NWOBHM-worship, thrash, melodic death metal, or any number of other compartments your eager little Cheeto-stained fingers desperately want to type into the keyboard. Or, they argue, you can just shut up and headbang. We at the Hard Times are quarrelsome internet chuds by our nature, and while it’s difficult to resist the call of our true selves, we’re going to opt for the latter here. Let’s rage!

5. Battlecry Under a Wintersun (2002)

A promising debut that doesn’t deliver so much as it hints at the fantastic devilry to come, “Battlecry Under a Wintersun” is plagued by some rough production (particularly on Jamie Hooper’s high screams,) and some questionable songwriting choices. We’re glad the band decided to largely abandon clean vocals after this. With that being said, there’s a lot to enjoy here. “Curse of the Lighthouse Keeper” is catchy as all git out, and “Conquerors of the Northern Sphere” starts out with a killer thrash riff that hearkens back to James Hetfield’s super-precise rhythm work (before Metallica became the exemplars of shitsucking we now know and love them to be.) Toss this on at the end of your D&D playlist, after you and your little nerd buddies have had your fill of old Emperor and Satyricon tunes.

Play it again: “Balls of Ice”
Skip it: “Sunrise Over the Fjords”

4. Here Waits Thy Doom (2009)

Alright, now we’re talking! Eschewing much of the gritty attitude present in their early releases (largely due to Jamie Hooper’s departure,) for a bit more of an NWOBHM approach, 2009’s “Here Waits Thy Doom” doesn’t skimp on the metal by any stretch of the imagination. Just listen to that thrashy outro to “Battles and Brotherhood” and try not to start a circle pit in Tim Horton’s (that’s where we presume all Canadians are physically located at any given time.) Guitarist Justin Hagberg fills in on the harsh vocals nicely, reminding us of Jeff Walker in the post-reunion Carcass releases. Overall, this is a fantastic album, and its position at Number 4 should only serve as an indication of how sick the rest of their discography is. Play it loud!

Play it again: “Call of the Hammer”
Skip it: “Preacher’s Daughter” (it starts off with a catchy riff but it ends up getting kind of boring)

Honorable Mention: “Anthems for the Victorious” EP (2011)

Two songs of crunchy, catchy riffs and album art that’s like a cuddlier version of Bolt Thrower’s “War Master.” What more could a metalhead ask for?

3. Long Live Heavy Metal (2012)

It’s fitting that the title of this album is such an obvious nod to Rainbow, because we can detect Ritchie Blackmore’s stank all over this bad boy. “Chief and the Blade” reminds us of “Temple of the King” off the first Rainbow album, and “Look Out” has some serious “Kill the King” vibes (there are probably a lot more similarities, but we’ve headbanged ourselves stupid revisiting these albums.) Vocalist Cam Pipes (yes, that’s his real name) employs more of a King Diamond falsetto here over his more biting rasp from prior releases, which fits given the more classic feel of the album. On the whole, this is the most varied album in the band’s catalog, and is certainly worthy of endless replays. Fun fact: if you’re not wearing a leather jacket while listening to this, one will materialize on your torso before it ends.

Play it again: “4000 Torches”
Skip it: “My Sword Will Not Sleep”

2. Advance and Vanquish (2004)

One listen to that opening riff of “Deadly Sinners” and you’ll know why that’s such a fan favorite (and provides the perfect accompaniment to a Rune Glifberg Christ Air in “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2.”) This album fucking rips, due in equal parts to the superior songwriting and FAR superior production of the debut. Cam Pipes and Jamie Hooper complement each other perfectly, providing a torrent of devastation as they sing about God knows what (just look at those song titles,) over the twin guitar assault of Sunny Dhak and Bobby Froese. Use this to drown out the Bryan Adams emanating from the house of your Canadian neighbors, and they’ll soon be headbanging with you while you collectively wonder what the fuck a “Wykydtron” is.

Play it again: All of it
KILL it: The orcs! Slay the orcs! Destroy the orcs!

1. Fire up the Blades (2007)

Holy shit, this is good. With their third album, the band took everything killer about their second and improved upon it, with maybe a bit more influence from the extreme metal realm largely due to drummer Alexei Rodriguez. Just listen to “God of the Cold White Silence” and try not to lose your goddamn mind. Overall, what sticks out most to us in this album are the riffs, which abound throughout the entire thing, and hit their peak levels of catchiness in songs like “Trial of Champions,” “Assassins of the Light,” and “The Hydra’s Teeth.” This is a must-have for even the most casual fans of metal, and if you haven’t crushed an entire case of Moosehead by the time you reach its end, may you be cut down by a demon’s blade!

Play it again: Yep
Skip it: You should’ve skipped this fucking article and listened to the album instead. What were you thinking?

Man Debating Whether Next Short-Lived Obsession Will Be Cycling, Cast Iron or Pickling

Posted on by Tim Graham

BENNINGTON, Vt. — Local bartender Jerome Skinner is nearing a final decision on what subject he will become temporarily engrossed with next, according to sources who are sick of hearing about it.

“I’ve narrowed it down to just a few options,” said Skinner while manically adding cycling accessories to his Amazon cart. “My next hobby will probably be biking, but I’m also considering getting way into cast iron cookware for a while, or learning to make my own pickles and kimchi. Whatever I decide to focus on next, trust me, this one’s going to stick. I know I’ve had some brief, costly obsessions in the past, but this time it will be different. If I’m going to sink all of my disposable income, mental energy and spare time into something again, it’s definitely going to last, except for the times I tried woodworking, photography, and ultra marathon running.”

Skinner’s wife says their apartment is already crowded with implements from his previous fleeting interests.

“The hall closet is completely jammed with skateboards, helmets and knee pads from when Jerome got super into skating for like two months,” said Gayle Skinner while deftly sidestepping a stack of books on homebrewing. “On our first date, I was impressed with how passionate Jerome was about baking—it was all he talked about. Little did I know that was only one of dozens of hobbies he’s cycled through. He hasn’t broken out the Kitchenaid mixer in years. I just pray his next hobby is something that doesn’t take up a lot of room, like bonsai trees or building ships in bottles.”

Psychologist Bentley Cross says certain people are susceptible to becoming addicted to the excitement of a new hobby.

“It sounds like Mr. Skinner tends to get more of a thrill from the fantasy of a hobby rather than the hobby itself,” said Cross. “He enjoys the rush of researching, buying equipment and daydreaming about a whole new lifestyle surrounding the hobby du jour. But most people that ‘chase the dragon’ in this manner end up burning out and losing interest once any actual effort or dedication is required of them. I myself am no stranger to the siren’s call of a new passion. I became preoccupied with taxidermy for a time but unfortunately it didn’t last. Now my garage is full of moldering pelts and glass eyes.”

At press time, Skinner had been observed carrying several large aquariums into his apartment after deciding that fishkeeping would be his next endeavor.

Cool! These Weed Gummies Are Legal Everywhere Because They Don’t Work

Posted on by Travis Tack

“GrooveChews” are the popular new THC-gummy that’s available in all 50 states – even the ones where marijuana is illegal. How’s it possible? Simple: They do not work.

It used to be if wanted to buy marijuana that doesn’t work, you’d have to find a shady guy in a public park, but thanks to “GooveChews”, that’s no longer the case. That’s right – no matter where you are, you too can order marijuana edibles (kind of).

After seeing the ads every day on social media for a year, I was curious. I don’t actually like doing marijuana, but that doesn’t mean I want to miss out on the trends.

I was worried these gummies might make me feel paranoid or start liking jam bands, but thankfully none of that happened. With these gummies, I couldn’t even feel the sugar!

And the best part is, even though you won’t get high, they’ll still cause you to fail a drug test. But don’t take my word for it – just ask my friend Steve (during visiting hours, of course.)

Because they don’t really do anything, these gummies are perfect for eating whenever or wherever you feel like. But I wouldn’t take them before driving because they contain a lot of alcohol sugars and may cause diarrhea.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

I caught up with ‘GrooveChews’ founder Eli Wertzel to ask him how it’s possible.

“Our products use only the highest quality ingredients and the worst quality marijuana,” Mister Wertzel said proudly. “Thanks to the 2018 Farm Bill, it’s now legal to sell weed with almost 0% THC to simple people all over the country. And we guarantee our product’s ineffectiveness by sending GrooveChews to third-party labs where they’re regularly tested on disappointed stoners. As a result, you’ll never believe all the places they’re available, or how little they do.”

And Wertzel says sales have been great, especially since GrooveChews started retailing in stores. We talked with GNC franchise owner Michael Diaz, who says the product is incredibly popular with his customers.

“When the creators of these gummies told me they didn’t actually do anything, that’s when I knew they belonged in GNC,” Diaz explained. “And the best part is, since the gummies don’t have any psychotropic effect, that means they’re perfect for Scientologists like me. Because these gummies aren’t drugs, in fact, they’re barely even food. I recommend mixing them with echinacea and fenugreek, if you really want to not feel anything.”

“Time After Time” Being Played on Supermarket Speakers Provides Man With First Emotional Feeling in Over a Decade

Posted on by Trevor Graham

INDIANAPOLIS — Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 hit song “Time After Time” being played in a Trader Joe’s supermarket caused a man to have an actual emotional reaction for the first time in over ten years, sources who say if you’re lost you can look and you will find them confirmed.

“So there I was browsing the frozen aisle looking for a microwavable pizza for one like always when suddenly I hear Cyndi Lauper’s tragic yet somehow hopeful masterpiece ‘Time After Time’ being played and I actually felt… a feeling,” said Chris Faban. “Something about the bittersweet melody and the heartbreaking lyrics broke through a decade’s long fog of blank numbness I’ve had and made me experience what I remember as an ‘emotion.’ For a few minutes there I almost felt like a kid again with hopes and dreams and not just an adult empty husk devoid of a soul. Unfortunately, it all went away the second the song ended.”

Other shoppers in the store say they noticed Faban and were confused by his quiet moment of self-reflection in the aisle.

“I saw this guy standing there with the freezer door open and he just seemed to be lost in thought. I wasn’t sure if this was like some kind of low-effort TikTok prank or what but then I realized the tears forming in his eyes were because of the song playing over the P.A.,” said fellow Trader Joe’s customer Jennifer Stillar. “I thought it all seemed a bit too dramatic but then the song ended and ‘Come Sail Away’ started playing and suddenly I felt a heaviness in my chest as I also fantasized about being taken away from… all of this by a group of angels. Or was it aliens? The lyrics get kinda weird toward the end.”

Trader Joe’s marketing manager Liz Collins says the nostalgic soundtrack played in their stores and the reaction it has on its shoppers is no accident.

“Research shows that when aging Millennials and Gen-Xers hear emotionally charged songs from their childhood they are more likely to buy comfort foods and overpriced sugary snacks,” said Collins. “Since we implemented this sad yet also triumphant playlist in our locations, sales of frozen chocolate bonbons have increased 72% and we can’t even keep the pumpkin streusel muffins stocked on the shelf anymore due to demand because of these sad aging saps.”

At press time, employees of the local Trader Joe’s location reported every shopper in the store stopped dead in their tracks once “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House started playing.

Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Appears in Court Shirtless for Sex Trafficking Charges

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex trafficking charges, court reporters have confirmed.

“I’ve seen some brazenly dumb stunts unfold before a judge but this takes the cake. I’m assuming he believed the judge would be impressed by his naked torso and overpriced jeans as if this were a mall in 2003, however it’s not the look you want to present when you’re being accused of tricking young men into prostitution,” said Michael Schwartz. “It also didn’t help that the cologne Mr. Jefferies was flirting with the stenographer, and he was nearly found in contempt because he kept oiling up his nipples. I wouldn’t want to be the Marshall who has to extradite him to New York City tomorrow.”

Jefferies’ attorney denied any wrongdoing by his client.

“While we are taking these allegations very seriously, there’s been a huge misunderstanding. The fact that my client looks and acts like a high school bully who’s never been held accountable and openly won’t wear shirts in public doesn’t mean he is using that lifestyle to coerce young men into interstate sex rings in exchange for modeling contracts. I’m sure you can see how the two are conflated,” said Frank Laggio. “I told the judge Mr. Jefferies’ shirtless look was him merely living the A&F values, which in hindsight probably didn’t help and is why the bail was set to $10 million. Maybe I should’ve at least given him my tie.”

Anti-sex trafficking advocates pointed out that Jefferies’ charges were not surprising.

“Jefferies appearing sans shirt, even in federal court, is proof enough that these executives are brazenly depraved. Have you ever been in an Abercrombie, Zara, or Hollister where you didn’t feel like you were about to be groped?” said Ally Williams. “This is a great day for justice and for exposing the dangerous world of douchebag clothing chains. One day you think you’re going to be modeling in front of a clothing store across from Auntie Anne’s, the next you’re tricked into giving a lap dance to some asshole hedge fund manager. I just hope the people he hurt can finally get a sense of peace.”

As of press time, court recessed for the day after Jefferies doused himself in Abercrombie’s signature “Fierce” fragrance, causing a mass evacuation of the courthouse.