So you hit up the Taco Bell Cantina happy hour with some co-workers, slammed spicy margs till last call, were forcibly removed from the premises, got behind the wheel, passed out at a stoplight and woke up in jail with puke on your company polo and a big fat DUI on your record. Now you’re licenseless (and jobless once HR catches wind), but you’re not totally hopeless. Actually, you’re an inspiration. That’s right. The entire genre of straight edge music exists thanks to poor lifestyle choices like yours. And now’s the time to get empowered by the very movement your boozy ass started!
Here are 21 fist-raising, finger-pointing straight edge anthems that’ll give you enough PMA to fight your DUI in court with the same ferocity you fought that bartender who cut you off. (Listen to the playlist as you read this informative piece, click here)
Minor Threat “Straight Edge”
Failed sobriety test and body cam footage be damned, as you begin defending your “innocence,” start with the song that started it all. As subtle as an Xd up fist to the face, there’s a reason why this track is the genre’s namesake. Nobody’s safe from edge evangelist Ian MacKaye’s vice-hating vitriol. Coke snorters. Glue sniffers. Speed freaks. Middle-aged middle-management binge drinkers like you. Listen up, then lawyer up, ideally with an attorney as good at winning as this song is at calling out losers.
Youth of Today “Thinking Straight”
Butt-chugging Tecates in the Taco Bell bathroom with Nick from IT is pretty much the exact opposite of what Ray of Today is preaching here. But if you take anything away from this youth crew ripper – other than everything fun in life is terrible for you – it’s this: don’t dwell on past mistakes. Keep your eye on the prize, which for you is sweet-talking the judge into letting you slide with some detox and a few community service hours.
Earth Crisis “Gomorrah’s Season Ends”
This ‘90s metalcore vegan straight edge moshterpiece™ is a charcuterie board of beefy riffs that can tenderize even the toughest tofu. Lyrically, it’s about maintaining integrity in the face of temptation. And no one knows more about integrity than the judge you have to tapdance before. Play this straight edge screed as you approach the bench and let the lyrics do the talking, instead of that public defender you’ll probably get appointed.
Chain of Strength “True Till Death”
Chain of Strength look like they all met at Foot Locker back in ‘88 and bonded over hi-tops, Youth of Today and making a fucking difference. This anthem is SoCal youth crew with a capital X, and if you want to avoid serving hard time, your family, friends and especially lawyers will need to be “True Till Death,” or at least true ‘till the trial is over.
Project X “Straight Edge Revenge”
You know you’re straight edge when your full-time straight edge band isn’t edge enough to satisfy your need to express more straight edgeness. Formed by NYHC’s drug-free-est, Project X was a short-lived side hustle that gifted the genre with one of its angriest and most enduring anthems. Speaking of side hustles, you’ll probably be needing a few of those to offset the massive debt your DUI has put you in.
Wide Awake “Last Straw”
Wide Awake isn’t a household name like your Minor Threats and your Gorilla Biscuitses, but “Last Straw” goes fingerpoint-for-fingerpoint with anything on Revelation Records or Dischord.
None of this info will help as you justify to the jury why you rimmed your margarita glass with cocaine instead of salt. But this youth crew classic does kick off with a minute-long mosh, which means make your opening statement fucking count.
Bold “Nailed to the X”
Know who else was nailed to an X for his beliefs? That’s right, Jesus. You’ll hear his name dropped often at your court-ordered AA meetings. Until then, focus on why this NYHC sXe classic, while not religious, is as quotable as John 3:16 and something you should steal a verse or two from for your testimony. “Straightforward actions, common goals. Working together with straight clean souls.” No further questions, your honor.
Judge “Fed up!”
“Fed Up!” is really, really pissed at you for your weak, boozy ways. But this isn’t the judge you need to worry about. It’s not that judge in the robe, either. The judge you should fear is the 81-year-old retired war veteran who gladly volunteered to serve on your jury and didn’t do two tours in Vietnam so you can get shitfaced and teabag the salsa verde. Now that guy is fed the fuck up.
Ten Yard Fight “Proud to be Straight”
Named after the second-best Nintendo football game, Ten Yard Fight wouldn’t be here if they had called themselves Tecmo Bowl. We’re splitting hairs, but straight edge – like the law – leaves zero room for semantics. You’re drug-free or you’re not. You blew a .45 on the breathalyzer then turned it into a bong in front of the cop, or you didn’t. You’re either “Proud to be Straight,” or you’re you.
Side By Side “Living a Lie”
Two people you never lie to: your judge, and any edgeman. Both are bullshit super smellers. So let this underrated slab of sXe NYHC be a cautionary tale as you consider pulling a fast one over your honor with excuses like, “I was overserved,” or “My stepdaddy never played catch with me.” Instead, tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Even the part where you shat your khakis.
Uniform Choice “No Thanks”
Possibly the only straight edge song ever to say please and thank you, this politely profane plea to think before you drink would have come in handy when you stuck your head under the beer tap while the bartender’s back was turned. But here we are. Spin this Orange County classic when the boys hit you up to grab a cold one the night before your hearing.
Insted “Not For Me”
You wonder if the boys in Insted had a few in them when they misspelled their own name, but the lyrics to this uplifting straight edge salvo prove otherwise. Obviously alcohol is very much for you, and according to the toxicology report pills, weed, cocaine, ketamine and model glue are too. Don’t add jail wine to that list. Follow the sober wisdom of this anthem and “try for better,” which clearly means finding the lawyer with the punniest billboard headlines to represent you.
SSD “Xclaim”
SSD stands for Society System Decontrol. These Boston legends also stand for unity, loyalty and a drug-free lifestyle. So when it comes time for you to take the stand in court, make sure you stand for the exact opposite of whatever it is you stood for the night you could barely stand up and no one could understand one fucking word coming out of your sloppy mouth.
Slapshot “I’ve Had Enough”
Slapshot is the second athletics-themed straight edge band from Beantown on this list, which is funny because since when has Boston been known for sports? Anyway, being the Ivy-league alcoholic you are, “I’ve had enough” are three words that are simply not in your vocabulary. And since Slapshot’s singer goes by the name “Choke,” you should probably just do whatever he says.
Floorpunch “Washed up at 18”
Man, what you’d give to be washed up at 18 again. What Minor Threat would call the “salad days.” Back when getting your stomach pumped was a badge of honor. But now look at you. Despite what Jersey juggernauts Floorpunch think, it’s never too late to clean yourself up, and by that we mean literally clean yourself up. Shower. Shave. Definitely change out of the clothes you got arrested in. Jesus dude, we know you’re in a rut but do you want to win this thing or not?
Gorilla Biscuits “First Failure”
When you fuck up like you fucked up, you get criticized. By family. By friends. By literally every track on this playlist. Except this one. “First Failure” isn’t a straight edge song per se, but where most sXe bands are quick to hate, Civ, Wally and the gang are giving you a big ol’ hardcore hug. Technically, this is your eighth or ninth failure, but the message still tracks. “Brush the dirt off (in your case vomit), get up and try again!”
Bane “Count Me Out”
If you’ve seen Bane live, you know their singer doesn’t even need to be in the band. Edge classics like “Count Me Out” are so anthemic, the crowd literally sings every lyric for him. That’s called working smarter not harder, which means you should hire a lawyer who’s a lush just like you. Someone with some deewees under his belt, who’s seen the inside of a cell and both sides of the bench. Who knows the loopholes, and will be the first one to get you fucked up when you win your case.
Have Heart “Armed with a mind”
Heart counts for something, but not everything. That’s why these straight edge torchbearers also come “Armed with a Mind.” You however need heart, smarts, legal counsel, lots of money, a tight alibi and above all, a fucking ride to your hearing. If you were Have Heart, fans would crowd surf your carless ass to the courthouse. But unfortunately you’re just some dude, and you’ll probably roll up on a Bird scooter wearing a thrift store suit that fits like a Hefty bag.
Carry On “X’s Always Win”
Obviously, Carry On never played tic-tac-toe. But if you only listen to one song, this is it. Not because it’s the best, though it might be, but because it’s only :53. And if you want to win in court as much as Carry On wants to win at straight edge, you’ll need that extra time to prep your case against the mountains of damning evidence, eyewitness accounts and surveillance footage of you funneling tequila while somehow deepthroating a churro.
Throwdown “Don’t Lose Sight”
Seeing that you mistook a cop car for your Pontiac Vibe, then drove most of the way home in reverse, including an Arby’s drive-thru, you seem to be more of a live-in-the-moment fella. Since there’s a strong chance you’ll be going away for a very long time, if not forever, let this straight edge metalcore headbanger be your crash course in longevity, self-discipline and clean living – three friends you’ll definitely need on the inside.
Strife “Force Of Change”
It should be obvious by now that straight edge is sacrosanct. To some, the only thing worse than not being edge is breaking edge. Strife is one band (there are multiple on this list) whose X has been replaced with an asterisk by gatekeepers over time. However, you have consistently been a drunk since forever, and one listen to this ‘90s hardcore fist raiser will reveal your loyalty to alcohol is just as strong as any straight edger’s commitment to abstaining. So, congrats…?
Good lord no. Beard or no beard any threesome involving First Officer Riker would be a nightmare. Best case scenario he rebukes your advances and reminds you “On this ship we do sex by the book!” Worse case, he’s all horned up and agrees. You walk into his quarters and he greets you in a silk robe that is way, way too short, even for sex. Riker is definitely the kind of guy who serves raw oysters to people he’s about to fuck, so there’s that to deal with. Then when you think he’s finally going to get down to business, out comes the “seductive” jazz trombone. How this lame hack ever wound up with Deanna Troi we’ll never know, but don’t make her mistake!
Well, first off, we’re pretty sure Wesley is underage during the entire run of TNG, so that’s a hard no. Even if he wasn’t though, he would still be a bit too uh, you know… Wesleyish. This character basically existed as a way for Gene Roddenberry to insert himself into Star Trek, do you really want to let him insert himself into your relationship? A quick Google search into Roddenberry’s personal life and attitude towards women will tell you no, hell no you do not.
You don’t want your first threeway to be with a know-it-all, especially one who cuts your hair.
Anyone who can’t see the basic humanity in Data is not emotionally equipped for healthy group sex.
Sex with any Klingon carries certain risks, both due to their temperament and, probably, their anatomy. You’ve seen their foreheads, imagine what they’re working with down there! Add to that the fact that Gowron is a politician through and through, with, presumably, the deviant appetites of the elite, the rewards here are just not worth the risks.
She slept with Riker despite being the only character to adequately hate them, and while both parties suffered memory loss at the time, you just can’t trust those instincts.
Reginald acts out self-aggrandizing sexual fantasies with copies of his co-workers on the holodeck, and that’s just the part of his depravity they allowed on television in the early ’90s. You don’t want to know how far Reg’s rabbit hole goes.
Half Klingon, half human, all woman. Talk about a total K.I.L.F. K’Ehleyr identifies more with her human side and tries hard to keep those explosive klingon tendancies in check, until she finds herself in a combat situation or, presumably, the bedroom.
The main difference between Romulans and Vulcans is that Romulans fucking FUCK. None of that life of quiet meditation and mate every seven years nonsense. While undoubtedly a skilled cocksman, Tomalak can be duplicitous and deceitful. Don’t just take his word that he’s tested and had a vasectomy in college.
Geordi is the kind of guy who would talk a big game leading up to the threesome but at the end of the day, he’s a try-hard clingy mess who has no idea what he’s doing romantically. Get a few more at-bats under your belt and we’ll talk, okay Geordie? No, holodeck girls don’t count.
Well, he did win Counselor Troi over, so he must be doing something right in the bedroom. Then again, so did Riker. As a Klingon raised by Russian humans, Worf is out of place wherever he goes, and even the most basic emotional situations can make him flush with awkwardness. Get a few Romulan ales in him and he might be fun, but the breakfast would be excruciating.
While presumably equipped with the same sexual functionality and flawless mechanical stroke as his brother Data, Lore’s unstable emotional matrix makes him a selfish lover.
Miles is a great guy and probably a fine lover, but we have a hard time believing that the most Irish man in space is open-minded toward things like group sex.
