Justin Gordan Cooper, Author at HARDTIMES

Every Kylesa Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on March 7, 2024 by Nigel Powers

Formed by Laura Dern’s metal clone, Laura Pleasants, Kylesa provided walls of swampy sludge, straight from Savannah, Georgia, right to your ear bones. Joined by fellow riffster and singer Philip Cope and longtime drummer and the least hateable Carl (most hateable goes to Carl from the Walking Dead)in the form of Carl McGinley on drums for the majority of their career, hooo he, was it country bumping too, with sonics attune to the crushing weight of a fatty gator pasta, to the light, earthy atmospherics of gumbo with mushrooms added for “flavor”, Kylesa sent you on a climb to new heights and dimension when they were active workhorses from the late 1990s until the dreaded “indefinite hiatus” in 2016, leaving a void that spirals into you in their absence.

A void we have decided to fill by reminding everyone about one of the best and most influential sludge metal bands of all time. So saddle up, partner, and prepare to stare into the void with us as we rank every Kylesa album from worst to best.

7. Exhausting Fire (2015)

More like exhausted fire, this album feels like a step back from the previous release “Ultraviolet,” with frankly doomier sounds, without as much gloom as previous records. The band sounds checked out man, and not in a good, tripping our manner, but in a fucking around on Excel until you get your paycheck and fuck off kind of way. Not a bad record by any stretch, but the band was clearly losing steam, and the ensuing hiatus should not have came as a surprise to anyone, but the band closed their career with one of the best and most inventive Black Sabbath covers ever with a beautiful, ethereal “Paranoid” laying Kylesa peacefully to rest (for now).

Play It Again: Crusher
Skip It: Lost and Confused

6. Self-Titled (2002)

No, the band didn’t start their career with a Metallica cover, but it would have been poetic if they did, as their career bookends with another cover of a legendary metal band. This album is Kylesa at their rawest, with much more extreme metal influences being thrown into the proverbial stew that was Kylesa’s evolving sound. This record definitely feels like a calibration record, with the band’s influence on clear display, whereas later records would see their ingredients mixed with more flair and pzazz that is uniquely their own, just like good and spicy Jambalaya on the Bayou where the meat is cooked juussstttt right.

Play It Again: “Testing of The Good of Man”
Skip It: “Descend Within”

5. To Walk A Middle Course (2005)

Kylesa in peak sludge metal form here, and ‘In Memory” kicks things off with a riff as memorable as it is crushing, and the rest of the riffs would make Tony Iommi and co. proud mixed with modern sensibilities, hence the death growls courtesy of noisy jowls, Laura and Phil really come into their own on this record as both guitarist, songwriters, and singers. While it may not have been the first Kylesa record, it was the one that clearly established them as a blazing force in modern metal (of both the riff and spliff variety). The only really bad thing to say about this album is that it doesn’t quite hit the highs of later albums, but you gotta test your rockets before you make a moon landing, and while Kylesa doesn’t quite land on the moon, closing track “Crashing Slow” makes us feel like we’re damn close.

Play It Again: “Welcome Mat To An Abandoned Life”
Skip It: “Eyes Closed From Birth”

4. Spiral Shadows (2010)

More atmospheric and expansive when compared to its predecessor, this record is not a drag, but it does take a drag off you, just like the weed plant in the first Scary Movie lighting up Shorty, which makes sense when coming off hot from Static Tensions. This to say, the record is on fire, and if you don’t play it at the right speed on your record player, it may just get hot enough to start a fire, but it also functions as a better lighter than your stove element when your mate has pocketed your lighter, getting two birds stoned at once without having to leave your living room.

Play It Again:…One Big Mac With Bacon Please, after climbing the Mcdonald’s steps through a “Tired Climb”
Skip it: No, I’m Good

3. Ultraviolet (2013)

Kylesa’s most straight-up moon orbit record, there’s less aggression here than all of the previous records but that’s not such a bad thing. Phil and Laura firmly cement their place as the Dave Murray and Adrian Smith of sludge, and masters of the guitar trudge, with the ever-reliable Mr. McGinnley on drums, and Eric Hernandez playing bass, drums AND Guitar on this record, there’s more talent on display here than on many contemporary records. Satisfies like a Po’boy when you have the munchies.

Play It Again: ‘Exhale,” right after a faaatttt inhale on a spliff
Skip It: Nah, you’re next in rotation

2. Time Will Fuse Its Worth (2006)

Starting off as slow thicc Southern gravy, with just as rich and complex a flavor profile, a funky taste too, and quite frankly, were not sure quite what’s going on now, apparently the flower is turning into some person and their face on the album cover, but the vibes are good man, lots of weird song structures, this album is both crushing and uplifting at the same time. Woooaaaaahhhh!!! And if we’re not, we’re just dust in the wind dude, one with all and all with one, and if anything is worth anything, time will surely fuse its worth. We’re cool, we swear.

Play It Again: “What Becomes an End”
Skip It: Intro, and Outro

1. Static Tensions (2009)

“Scapegoat” starts the album by creating an aural experience mimicking the feels and spirals sometimes provided on little strips of paper, this is not just an album but an experience. The two-drummer setup kicks the Grateful Dead’s sorry hippie asses to the curb with an experience just as psychedelic but without all that wonk wonk guitar crap, rending splendor for all of your sense holes. Serious props to Phillip Cope on not just the guitar, but the production as well, providing the right balance of filth and fervor, perfecting the sound to a collection of perfect songs, with a sound cleaner than your average hippie or crustie, defining haut sludge.

Play It Again: Yeah dude!
Skip It: …huh, nah I’m good Man.

36-Year-Old Didn’t Expect to Have Entered the “Did You Hear Who Died?” Phase of Life Already

Posted on March 7, 2024 by Tim Sheard

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Aging tricenarian Colleen Myers admitted to being surprised by the sheer amount of conversations she is having about acquaintances passing when catching up with friends, those close to Myers who are still alive reported.

“You have that time in your 20s when you are shocked to hear about someone you went to school with who died in a car accident or drugs or whatever. It’s always a tragedy but you can make sense of it,” Myers said while attending a much postponed check-up with her doctor. “But now it is just so casual. It seems like every time I talk to someone I hear about people my age just dying… like, of natural causes. Their body would just stop working, and I’m afraid that can happen to me at any moment. I didn’t expect this to start happening at least until my 40s.”

Friends of Myers have taken notice of just how hard she seems to take the news of others’ passing.

“I actually didn’t even tell her about Gregory Wheeler’s heart attack. We used to play Nintendo in Greg’s basement, I just don’t think [Myers] could handle it,” said Heidi Parsons, a grade school friend of Myers, while attending another memorial service. “We are all struggling with getting older but Colleen is taking it harder than most. I remember always thinking it was weird that every time my parents ran into someone in the store or something all they would do is swap stories about someone who died. I guess we all become our parents eventually, but even when my parents were in their late 30s I thought they were nearly 100 years old.”

Noted Gerontologist Dr. Isabel Romero, PhD of Cornell University explained that this phase of life is something everyone goes through.

“It is the hallway gossip for adults, everyone wants to be the first person to pass around the news that someone even remotely tangentially close to them has died,” Romero explained. “We all reach this stage in life where the only interesting thing we have to talk about with other people is death and the weather. This has only gotten worse with the invention of social media where you find out about the passing of old classmates you otherwise wouldn’t have even thought about in twenty years.”

When reached for an update, Myers had taken a week of mental health leave after hearing someone she used to play soccer with, whose name she couldn’t recall, died while shoveling their driveway.

Photo by Marielle Kho

Uh Oh, It’s Time to Actually Do the Things You Were Sexting About

Posted on March 7, 2024 by Charles Bill

So it finally happened. You met someone on Tinder and have been sexting them for the past week and a half. You were supposed to meet last week, but you were too stoned and you had to rain check. Now the time has come. You actually have to do the things you were sexting about. Fortunately, as long as you follow the coming advice you’ll be out of there with only minimal embarrassment.

It’s essential that you act like you’ve been here before. When you were sexting you talked about all kinds of wild things, things you’ve only read about or seen in esoteric pornography. You cannot let your partner know that you are essentially crafting a fantasy narrative. Fake it until you make it and pretend that you know how to use your genitals even if you don’t. Loudly project confidence in the hopes that it’ll trick the other person.

Stretch first. The things you were sexting about require flexibility that you’ve never had, so you need to limber up a bit, otherwise you’ll throw out your back. Speak confidently, pretend that you’re texting, but use your voice to say the words.

Whatever you do, don’t recoil in shame when you hear yourself dirty talking. If you could stand saying it through SMS you can stand hearing it in your goofy ass voice.

Drink plenty of water. You don’t want to have to tap out three minutes into mutual disappointment for a sweat break. You want to be able to keep up your pale imitation of your sexting persona for as long as possible.

It’s essential you review your texts before you meet up with your partner. You’ve made campaign promises, and now you’re in office and have to fulfill them. Remind yourself of all of the ridiculous things you promised to do to them, order a five-gallon tub of lube from Costco and give it your best shot. Who knows, you might actually be good at sex and not know about it. Probably not, but maybe?

Suicidal Tendencies Now Going By “Suicidal Ideation” After Making Progress In Therapy

Posted on March 7, 2024 by Kimberly Scott

LOS ANGELES — Members of Suicidal Tendencies announced they will be changing their band name to Suicidal Ideation after reaching an important milestone in therapy this week, multiple sources confirmed.

“I heard for years that I should talk about what was bothering me but I didn’t want to end up in a white shirt with long sleeves. People were always saying you’ll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. But I’ll be honest, the last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable was when I asked my mom for a Pepsi and she insisted I was using drugs,” said Suicidal Ideation frontman Mike Muir. “I always had a bad view of therapy. I figured by the time they fix my head, that you know, mentally I’ll be dead. But I’m changed, I’ve put in the work, and I feel so refreshed that I’m barely suicidal.”

After noticing dramatic improvements in his own psyche, Muir went on to encourage the rest of the band to seek the help that they needed.

“At first we weren’t sure why he wanted us to get involved, we thought it would be more of a ‘Mike’ thing. When I was asked to join the band back in 2018 I had some baggage, but I didn’t think rehearsals would eventually be observed by a therapist that had us walk through our feelings after each song,” said guitarist Ben Weinman of The Dillinger Escape Plan. “It’s a lot of work, for sure. But Mike’s right talking things over with a professional has been great for us. And like our therapist says ‘Just cause you don’t understand what’s going on don’t mean it don’t make no sense. And just cause you don’t like it, don’t mean it ain’t no good.’”

Suicidal Ideation is just one among many in a growing trend of bands seeking mental health treatment.

“I’ve worked with many bands over the years and their subsequent material after working with me is universally loved,” said noted therapist Dr. Daniel Liverton. “Back in 2009 I worked with Rivers Cuomo and the rest of Weezer and later that year they released ‘Raditude.’ Which is still considered a classic of the genre. I also worked with Blink-182 when they released ‘Neighborhoods’ and that album is full of fan favorites.”

At press time, Muir was overheard mumbling something about how it “doesn’t matter I’ll probably get hit by a car anyway.”

15 Noise Albums That Turn 30 This Year So You Can Remind Your Mom How Much She Loved Listening to Them in the ‘90s

Posted on March 6, 2024 by Matt Youngspruce

The year 1994 was such a great year for music but an even better year for noise music. Remember when television was the greatest thing and you could find some random cords and run the audio through distortion pedals? Or when you could screw around with your Dad’s hifi stereo and run his Eagles through distortion pedals. It sounded like eating your own brains. That was something else!

Eventually your flannel shirts and denim jeans changed into black t-shirt and black cargo pants. Your mom asked ”are you ok?” and you screamed back gibberish through a microphone that was connected to a bunch of distortion pedals. Always searching for that perfect atonal (anal) tone.

Well search no further buddy, cause we go down the memory lane of 15 noise albums that turn 30 this year so your mom can listen to them again.

Ninth Massacre “Flesh”

Well-known figure in the ‘90s American noise scene, Richard Ramirez (his given name) is also the artist behind this masterpiece, cleverly entitled “Flesh.” Songs like “Fucked with Nails” and “Genital Torture Chamber” sound exactly like they sound when said out loud. If you play this through your Bluetooth speaker on the subway, everybody will leave you alone. Or maybe you’ll get a new weird friend. Either way it’s a win win!

C.C.C.C. “Gnosis”

Songs like “Untitled” and “Untitled” are one of the best sing-a-long hits of this beautiful genre. Immerse yourself with the smoothing sounds of Japanese adult actress Mayuko Hino and her ex-husband Hiroshi Hasegawa as they take you through this karaoke hit spree. Just beware, you might like it. Or not. Probably not. This is only for the true noise fans. POSERS NOT ALLOWED.

**Unseen Noise Death* / M.I.T.B. : Bastard Noise / Bizarre Uproar “Sources Of Power From Another World”**

This threeway split features a more delicate approach to noise but that makes it even more intriguing. If the name of the band is “Unseen Noise Death” it can’t suck, right? Well it does not suck at all. “Panic In Nuclear Power Station” gives you radioactive powers through surgically manic sound waves. Bastard Noise’s “Lesson’s Translation Applied To Man” feels like you are listening to a horse having a seizure in his heavily sedated sleep. It’s one of the most touching noise ballads I have ever listened to. Last but not least, Bizarre Uproar’s “Tidal Wave Audio Disintegration Of Sound” brings back memories of heavily sedated grandma. Life was good back in 94.

Masonna “Like A Vagina T.V.” (VHS)

Masonna has released such classics as “Hate”, “Ejaculation Generater” and “Spectrum Ripper”, but I think it’s safe to say that no studio album compares to Masonna’s live show experience. “Like A Vagina TV” VHS is full of Masonna’s microphone into distortion, into guitar amp signal chain performances that are known to last for 3 minutes. He was the pioneer of short attention span audiences. Masonna would be the perfect act to play at the Vegas Sphere with U2 as the warm up act.

Macronympha “Ultimate Vibrator”

Before “hipster noise,” American noise was living its best days in the ‘90s. This album came in a painted wooden box with artwork and metal wire (or a circuit board) attached to the box itself. Only 15 to 20 of these bad boys were ever made. If you think about what would be the “ultimate vibrator,” it would be Macronympha’s “Ultimate Vibrator.” Good vibes only.

Ophx “O2”

When you start a band, the first releases will be noise hopefully. Some bands stay in the lane, some start doing actual songs. Which sucks. Ophx’s early release will take you to places like “Reservoirs of Infection” and “Oven Run Tongue.” If those names will make you think about eating a fish from an aquarium and vomiting it over your laptop, well it’s probably because they sound exactly like that. All that served with a peachy cover and voilà!

Erik Disorder “Noizturbation”

Erik Disorder’s Noizturbation sounds like ZZ Top’s drummer having horrible withdrawal symptoms and recording them. I am not entirely sure if ZZ Top was a major influence for Erik but whatever it was, this album is a masterpiece.

Mamarracho “Demo #2”

Have I been hit by a car? What the hell is happening? Where is all this noise coming from? Oh nevermind! It’s MAMARRACHO! What happens when you combine drums, noise and voice together? I don’t know but MAMARRACHO’S Demo 2 sounds like you are getting impaled by a moose. Las Tipulas!

Government Alpha “Doze”

Japanese noise musician Yasutoshi Yoshida’s Government Alpha is the only government I want to be a part of. He has a magical talent for making his music sound like he is actually doing something. I have to be honest with you, there are a lot of noise albums where the artist is just outside his studio smoking cigarettes while the record button is on. There is nothing wrong with that, we have all been there. But when President Yoshida takes the stand, we obey.

The Hanatarash “Aids-A-Delic”

Have ever heard of the noise act that destroyed a venue with a bulldozer and the sound from that was the show? Well those guys were The Hanatarash and with their “AIDS-A-Delic” album they went into places no noise artist has ever gone. Well they just did something else than perverse use of distortion pedals. It is actually possible to create a noise album with just basic tape editing techniques. Some might argue they sold out, but let me say this, it’s noise if your mom can’t stand it! Then again everything is noise, just ask Luigi Russolo.

Incapacitants “Ad Neuseum (Edition Mikawa)”

My mom fucking hates this tape. And it’s tough not to blame her. The best way to describe anything on this tape is “abrasive.”

Monde Bruits “Selected Noise Works 93-94”

Monde Bruits’ album “Selected Noise Works 93-94” sounds like when you die in a motorcycle accident and record it. In a twisted noise way Monde Bruits died eventually in a motorcycle accident. This album is his “Black Star,” but made 11 years before dying. Genius!

Aube “E-Power”

If you enjoyed Aube’s relaxing “Luminescence” 1994 VHS, then you probably won’t enjoy this the same way. Even though this is the perfect companion album. Feeling relaxed? Have some “E-Power” champ and start having panic attacks! Aube blasts through this album like Taylor Swift on meta amphetamine. Zero fucks given with a synth on other hand and howling rabid wolf on another.

Sshe Retina Stimulants “Kusa’i”

If you listen to this album in complete darkness, you will hear the voices of ancient cultures screaming to you. They scream “Play it louder!” and as you turn the volume up your neighbor calls the cops. After a delightful night in jail you can go back to my apartment and play it again. This goes on for a few weeks until you end homeless living in your friend’s basement and building an amplifier out of metal junk so you can contact the ancient again.

Merzbow “Venereology”

I don’t know man, there is something in the music of Merzbow that is nowhere else, it’s his unique approach to expression. Or maybe it’s the hamster that died listening to this album or maybe it’s just my tinnitus that blends perfectly with his music? Anyway ‘Venereology” is one of the all time classics of the genre. Album of the year. Grammy winner. Next time you go to the dentist, ask the dear old doctor to play this loud.

My mom gives all of these albums 1 out of 5, just like in 1994!

The Top 20 Things to Fear When Your Uber Driver Is Playing “The Joe Rogan Experience”

Posted on March 6, 2024 by Dan Rice

Ride shares are expensive and highly exploitative of their employees. You want to avoid them, but sometimes your hands are tied and you gotta do what you gotta do. And usually, it goes fine. Every once in a while though, the universe will actively choose to punish you for your transgression.

As tip-based workers, most Uber drivers go out of their way to make sure their passengers feel safe and relaxed. That’s what makes it all the more alarming that this particular driver has chosen to subject strangers to “The Joe Rogan Experience.” Here are the top 20 things you’re going to want to start being afraid of the moment you realize whose car you just got locked in.

20. Realizing you forgot to charge your headphones

Of course, it would be today. You can try rolling the window down and hoping the highway noise is loud enough to drown out another conversation about whether or not a chimp could beat a sumo wrestler in a pie-eating contest.

19. Conversation

Yeah, sure enough, this dude is super chatty for a guy already listening to a conversation. “You seen all this woke-ass shit Marvel is doing now?!” That’s his opener. That’s where he wants to start. This is “Hello” in this guy’s world, and you just took a seat in it. Better buckle up, this will be the longest 16 minutes of your life.

18. The seatbelt is broken

Right, sure, real men don’t wear those or some shit, so why would he have his in working order? He only drives strangers around for a living, no need to roll out the red carpet or anything!

17. You are suddenly clocking multiple signs of damage on the vehicle

The driver-side rearview is attached with duct tape, there are multiple dents, it sounds like the muffler is dragging and the dashboard looks like it’s been punched multiple times for some reason. Oh, there, he just punched it because the light turned red. That explains that one at least.

16. Misinformation seeping into your brain if you drop your guard for even a second

Sure, we all like to think we’re not susceptible, then next thing you know you’re having coffee with friends casually mentioning that a lot of what we call “global warming” is actually caused by normal shifts in the Earth’s electromagnetic field.

15. The fact that you’re on your way to a doctor’s appointment

Hopefully, he doesn’t notice what your destination actually is until you get there, because if he does you’re in for an earful about how Western medicine is bullshit and how you need to be paying more attention to your stomach biome. This is all while he drinks Mountain Dew and eats beef jerky from a gas station.

14. Accidentally laughing at something Duncan Trussell said

Fuck! He thinks you’re cool with this now! It’s not fair! Duncan is so accessible and charming, he should not be allowed on this show!

13. Traffic jam

No no, take your time everyone, I’m just locked in a confined space with an unbridled psychopath who assumes I hate trans athletes too, no big deal!

12. He’s probably microdosing

As a freethinking alpha male your driver is very likely to have consumed just a SMALL amount of powerful hallucinogenic drugs for breakfast. It helps him think outside the box. Boxes like “I should wait until that elderly woman finishes crossing the street” and “the speed limit.”

11. He probably eyeballed that microdose

“Micrograms, grams, what’s the difference?!” The difference is your driver keeps getting super paranoid and asking if you think the black Cadillac is following you guys when there is no black Cadillac.

10. What was in that water he gave you?

You’ve been making a big show of drinking it, hoping to convey that you’re far too busy hydrating to answer questions like “Could you fight a Brazillian?” and “Think Biden’s gonna steal another election?” but come to think of it, was this thing even sealed when he handed it to you? You drank most of it and you feel kinda funny.

9. Your ride is shared, and your co-passenger is pumped to hear Rogan

You are now trapped in a car with two maniacs, one of whom is sitting right next to you and not even beholden to the Uber star rating system, not that the driver seems to give fuck all about that in the first place! Why the hell didn’t you bail when he picked this guy up like that voice in your head told you to?!

8. His driving is becoming more aggressive, along with everything else about him

He’s cutting people off left and right, way over the speed limit, and the podcast is getting louder and louder. Oh shit, he’s monologuing about how one day a real rain will come and wash all the scum away. That’s from “Taxi Driver” right? This is bad,

7. There is probably a gun in the car

And he knows where it is, and you don’t.

6. Your life is in this person’s hands

Yup, you built a secure life for yourself, you work out, you haven’t had any saturated fat since 2009, you’ve tried to make the right decisions your entire life, and all of a sudden that means fuck all because you figured an Uber would be quicker than taking the bus. A man who takes horse tranquilizer and raw eggs to treat COVID-19 can end it all with one wrong turn, and judging by what you can gleam of his life, this dude loves wrong turns.

5. The last thing you said to the person you love was “I think mango has been giving me the runs”

You could fire off a quick “I love you” follow-up text, but those two messages will look super weird together.

4. DMT. That’s what was in the water, it was DMT

Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!

3. The singularity, bro

I mean you ever think about that shit bro? Because the stuff the scientists are doing NOW, in their labs, with the AI and shit, it’s just bringing us closer to an invention that’s going to change EVERYTHING. Once we create a truly intelligent machine advances in our technology are going to happen at a rate that we perceive to be INSTANTANEOUS bro, I mean when you really look at what’s going on we’ve got nanotechnology, we’ve got quantum computing, we’re learning to decode and manipulate the human genome, all of these factors that contribute to, hey what kinda weed we got in this car, can we smoke some weed?

2. Hollywood elites want to turn you into a cuck

It’s like you can be anything you want but masculine and straight these days bro! You can’t say ANYTHING anymore, because the second you speak your mind you get canceled by the woke mob thought police. It’s all just part of the globalist agenda to create a more complacent and docile populace bro, incapable of putting up a fight so jack-booted socialists can come take our property and round us up into death camps. Have you seen this woke ass shit Marvel is doing these days?!

1. Straight white men are facing genocide bro

Yup, being dosed with DMT and exposed to 30 minutes of Joe Rogan was all it took. You’re cured now. You see the light. Time to confidently inform your driver you will no longer be going to the tracking chip murder factory you once called a hospital, and instead bring you to the nearest gun store that also sells elk jerky. Don’t worry, he knows just the place!

DJ Utilizes Downtime on Stage to Do His Taxes

Posted on March 6, 2024 by Ben Friedman

LAS VEGAS — Enterprising DJ Brian “Blaze” Johnson took multitasking to a new level after utilizing the majority of his downtime on stage to finish his taxes, attendees of his set have reported.

“The downside of automating my setlist so thoroughly is that it leads to too much free time, and I won’t know what to do with my hands. But April 15th is right around the corner so I figured tonight would be perfect to pay Uncle Sam. When else does everyone expect me to do it, during the daytime when I’m sleeping?” said Johnson. “I feel bad not engaging with the crowd, but they’d understand if they knew how much I owe this year. It’s a huge pain in the ass trying to write off all the ecstasy I took as a business expense.”

Clubgoers who were present during the set could tell something was off about Johnson’s demeanor.

“We all see Blaze is just going through the motions. He’s usually bouncing around the booth but tonight he’s been staring motionless at his laptop for like two hours straight while fiddling with an adding machine and wearing one of those green visors. I didn’t think it was weird at the time but he did walk in earlier with one box of vinyls and two other boxes labeled ‘shit to deduct’,” said Vanessa Lorenz. “Plus when I peeped behind his setup he had a bunch of Excel spreadsheets open. If he was just going dick around with his finances all night I could’ve just got drunk and listened to Usher at home.”

While most people in the crowd were irritated by Johnson’s half-hearted set, his account couldn’t be happier.

“I get a lot of clients who either give me only half of the necessary paperwork or wait until the last minute to file. It surprises my colleagues that those in the music field, specifically the musicians who contribute the bare minimum, are my favorite. It’s not lost on me that Blaze is just pretending to tweak knobs for a few hours, so him killing two birds with one stone and getting all his 1099’s in order saves me a lot of time,” said accountant Roger Miller. “If only all of my clients were club DJs, lo-fi indie keyboardists, and drone metal guitarists I could work on cruise control too.”

As of press time, Johnson killed the entire club’s vibe entirely after accidentally playing a voicemail from H&R Block right before dropping the bass.

Androgyny Win? This Doctor Believes Me Because He Thinks I’m a Man

Posted on March 6, 2024 by Dom Turek

Before embracing my naturally androgynous features, I tried to wax, contour, and push-up bra my way into feminization to avoid mean remarks from children and confused second glances from adults. It wasn’t until a recent doctor’s appointment shed new light on my situation, that I thought there was nothing more insulting than a waiter insisting, “Enjoy your meal, sir” or someone calling me a pervert for using the women’s restroom.

As a chronic migraine sufferer for most of my life, doctors have run a gamut of tests on me reserved for female patients, including, “Are you on your period” and “Have you tried losing weight?” Moments before I lost consciousness last year due to an abrupt cluster headache I even had one doctor tell me I would never know true pain until I was hit in the ball sac with a whiffle ball bat.

During my most recent visit to the ER, I was dumbfounded when the doctor recommended an MRI and complete neurological examination to treat my ongoing migraines. He even documented his findings with his pen instead of twirling it around his fingers like a little baton and checking his watch every 30 seconds. Since I’ve never left a doctor’s office with anything more than a handful of ibuprofen and the sneaking suspicion I was the victim of gendered medical malpractice, I was shocked until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

During my mad dash to the hospital to relieve the feeling my brain was trapped in a hydraulic press, I had forgotten to do my makeup or change out of my sweats. This accompanied by my new gender-neutral haircut gave me all the answers I needed. This doctor thought I was a man, and I was reaping the benefits of his error in judgment

I was almost tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and attribute his professionalism to the medical oath he took so many years ago, but my initial assumptions were confirmed after he called me a “brave little man” and told me I would be “out playing football again with the guys in no time.”

Limited Edition $200 Red and Gold Swirl “Jane Doe” Record Played on $29 Amazon Turntable

Posted on March 6, 2024 by Matt McInerney

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local man Malcolm Evans recently purchased a limited edition $200 red and gold swirl copy of “Jane Doe” and plays it nonstop on his $29 turntable from Amazon, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I understand it’s not ideal to listen through these built-in speakers here, but a good turntable is prohibitively expensive. And with the economy and inflation…” said Evans as he trailed off. “I’m just saying it all adds up. There’s rent, food, and of course, that $100 limited silver and blue ‘We Are The Romans’ 2LP record I found on eBay. Oh, and streaming services. Those keep going up, along with the bid price of that holographic purple copy of ‘Pyroclasts.’ After shelling out for all of life’s necessities, I just don’t have the budget for better sound.”

His roommate, Antonella Curtis, is used to this kind of tragic behavior.

“I’m still not over the adapter incident. I’m no audiophile, but I still cringe thinking about him listening to vinyl over Bluetooth,” said Curtis as Evans shouted “don’t call it vinyl!” in the background. “I seriously watched him plug a 1/4″ jack adapter into the record player, then into an auxiliary Bluetooth car adapter. Which, of course, he tried to pair with $15 noise-canceling headphones he found on TEMU. And yes, this was after his speech about the superior quality of analog sound. It’s almost impressive how poorly he adheres to his own annoying beliefs.”

Kolton Vargas owns a collectibles shop in the neighborhood and lent his expert insight.

“I just hope that idiot doesn’t ruin something nice with his garbage setup. About once a week he asks me about what he should upgrade, but he’s never pulled the trigger. I don’t know how many times I can say ‘everything,’” said Vargas. “I even offered him a nice wooden frame for free so he can just put that ‘Jane Doe’ record on a wall. I tried to explain FLAC to him, but he said it didn’t sound great on the headphones he stole from a Spirit flight. I’m just hoping he never buys the vintage Slayer shirt he keeps eyeing on the wall. I just know I’d see paint stains on it a week later.”

At press time, Evans was seen attempting to install a new set of high-end custom wheels on his 1998 Honda Accord.

Scrappy Underdog Jeff Bezos Defies Odds And Reclaims World’s Richest Man Title

Posted on March 5, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

SEATTLE — Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos once again reclaimed the title of “World’s Richest Man” by pulling himself up from his bootstraps and working extra hours to make more money than one human could possibly spend in several lifetimes, sources confirmed.

“These past few years have been tough. When Elon (Musk) got the title in 2022 I thought about hanging it all up, cashing out, and starting a space colony on the moon with me and 200 of the most beautiful women on Earth,” said Bezos from his mega yacht. “But after a few days of hunting humans on a private island in the South Pacific I realized I just needed to grind harder, set some goals, and I could be back on top. I saved money by eating at home with a world-class private chef instead of going out every night. I made coffee at home using beans from the 75,000-acre region of Columbia I bought, and I saved money on my Prime subscription by watching it with commercials. It’s that easy.”

Fans of Bezos were thrilled to hear he was once again on top of the world.

“I do whatever I can to support Jeff. Whenever I go by a mom-and-pop book store I make sure I give the owner the finger and then dump a bottle of piss I always keep in my backpack on some of their display books,” said Tony Lincoln, moderator of the “Crazos for Bezos” Facebook group. “I also only shop at Whole Foods, I’ll stock up on food and throw most of it away to help the cause. These billionaires work so hard to give us all the conveniences we need as a society, the least we can do is give them our money, and online bully anyone that tries to unionize an Amazon warehouse.”

Leading financial analyst Luis Pererro says he isn’t surprised to see Bezos as the world’s richest man once again.

“The mega-rich are doing an amazing job at hoarding wealth like we have never seen before. A simple rounding error on Mr. Bezos’ bottom line would be enough to change the lives of most people living paycheck to paycheck, but they still somehow skirt responsibility and paying taxes,” said Pererro. “I guarantee within the next 20 years there will be a colony on Mars made up of billionaires and we still will not have a reasonable minimum wage in the United States. And we have people like Mr. Bezos to thank for the hell we all live in.”

At press time, Bezos’ net worth skyrocketed by an additional $23.87 after stealing the tip jar from a local sandwich shop.