So it finally happened. You met someone on Tinder and have been sexting them for the past week and a half. You were supposed to meet last week, but you were too stoned and you had to rain check. Now the time has come. You actually have to do the things you were sexting about. Fortunately, as long as you follow the coming advice you’ll be out of there with only minimal embarrassment.
It’s essential that you act like you’ve been here before. When you were sexting you talked about all kinds of wild things, things you’ve only read about or seen in esoteric pornography. You cannot let your partner know that you are essentially crafting a fantasy narrative. Fake it until you make it and pretend that you know how to use your genitals even if you don’t. Loudly project confidence in the hopes that it’ll trick the other person.
Stretch first. The things you were sexting about require flexibility that you’ve never had, so you need to limber up a bit, otherwise you’ll throw out your back. Speak confidently, pretend that you’re texting, but use your voice to say the words.
Whatever you do, don’t recoil in shame when you hear yourself dirty talking. If you could stand saying it through SMS you can stand hearing it in your goofy ass voice.
Drink plenty of water. You don’t want to have to tap out three minutes into mutual disappointment for a sweat break. You want to be able to keep up your pale imitation of your sexting persona for as long as possible.
It’s essential you review your texts before you meet up with your partner. You’ve made campaign promises, and now you’re in office and have to fulfill them. Remind yourself of all of the ridiculous things you promised to do to them, order a five-gallon tub of lube from Costco and give it your best shot. Who knows, you might actually be good at sex and not know about it. Probably not, but maybe?