Nazi Saluting Elon Musk Sees Spike in Approval Rating Amongst School Shooters

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s double Nazi salute during today’s inauguration parade led to a tidal wave of approval amongst the nation’s potential school shooters, online forums indicated.

“It’s been hard dealing with being called an ‘unfuckable incel loser’ by my peers, even after I’ve used their class photos for target practice. But seeing Elon today celebrating the swearing-in of our Daddy in Chief with not one but two Nazi salutes just validated the entire existence for those of us who are just one manifesto away from spraying the school cafeteria with bullets,” said Jeff Wilder from his mother’s basement. “Everyone in the forum I run about final solutions for the woke mind virus agree as well. I know we have to put in some work telling the libs online it was a ‘Roman salute,’ but we all know what’s really going on. Tomorrow at school when I wear my swastika armband and a 9mm tucked into my pants, everyone better know it’s our time now.”

As of press time, Wilder accidentally shot and killed himself after attempting to perfectly mimic Musk’s Sieg Heil with a loaded handgun. Nobody is expected to attend the funeral.

Voldemort Found Hiding Under Melania’s Hat

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

WASHINGTON — Famed Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort was spotted at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration, hiding under First Lady Melania Trump’s hat, multiple sources confirmed.

“It was horrifying to witness a wet, wrinkly face peeking out from behind Melania’s head, and it’s something I won’t soon forget,” said BBC Journalist Terry Clarins. “I felt something was off the minute Trump started his speech. Melania was staring daggers at the back of his head, which I first assumed was due to fake tanner dripping onto his collar. But then she started hissing some sort of snake-like language under her breath and her eyes flickered red. It felt almost like she was cursing him, or like she was controlling his every move. I followed her backstage when no one was watching, where I saw her remove her hat and reveal this misshapen, humanoid growth pulsating at the back of her head. It was so grotesque I fear I may never have a solid night’s rest again. I could hear her talking with it—they were discussing murdering this teenage boy and taking over some school with dark magic. I could only hear every other word, but I definitely heard them say, ‘There are only two pronouns,’ and, ‘Build a wall.’ Also, I have no idea what it means, but there was a mention of a ‘Horcrux’ inside J.D. Vance? Didn’t sound great!”

At press time, the First Lady denied all claims of “assisting the Dark Lord with his bidding,” while donning a large Pharell hat to accommodate what she said was “just a really bad headache.”

Every Cradle of Filth Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Some might say Cradle of Filth has too many albums. In fact, we’d say that. So here we go: Cradle of Filth has too many albums. Seriously. We’re fans, but there’s like 3 or 4 in here that we completely forgot existed. And prior to making this list, several albums here had gotten maybe, MAYBE, one full listen. The thing is, their good stuff is great. They have like 7 really solid albums. This is pretty incredible considering how many bands can barely put out one. Something that the band is both praised and hated for is their willingness to embrace the whole camp of it all. And in that, they can come off really cheesy, which works. It can make some of their harder to swallow stuff actually much more digestible. But let us not pretend it’s something it’s not: it’s cheese. And as we all know, some cheese is better than others.

Also, let’s be real: they were never trve kvlt black metal. They’re theater kids from Shropshirefordbagginsworthmouthfordport or wherever in England. So the whole “their early stuff is the only REAL metal they made” nonsense doesn’t work. And just a reminder, we only rank full-length OG albums and they have like a billion EPs, live albums, compilations, and re-rereleases, so there’s a good chance your favorite release isn’t on the list. Alas.

13. Thornograpy (2006)

“Thornography” was one of the band’s more obvious attempts at breaking into the mainstream. Unfortunately what makes it so obvious is that it sucks. No shade for trying to sell out. We’d do it if anyone was buying. Healthcare is expensive, and capitalism is a death cult. We all gotta pay bills. But if you’re gonna sell out and pander, please make it better than this album. It’s not like it’s terrible or anything. Honestly, none of their albums are unlistenable. But when you have 40-something releases out, you gotta give us a reason to care about specific albums. And with this one, we don’t.

Play it again: “I Am the Thorn”
Skip it: “Temptation”

12. Darkly, Darkly Venus Aversa (2010)

More like “Boring, Boring Venus Aversa.” This album sounds like a generic CoF album, and not in a particularly good (or bad?) way. It’s got some songs. It has some spooky sounds. Dani Filth screeches a bunch. It’s fine. But there is literally nobody on earth who has this listed as their favorite album of all time. Literally nobody. Also, the Tim Burton/Hot Topic album art isn’t helping.

Play it again: “The Cult of Venus Aversa”
Skip it: “Forgive Me Father (I Have Sinned)” is just bad

11. Cryptoriana – The Seductiveness of Decay (2017)

Cradle of Filth seemingly has two types of album covers: A.) Fucking sick! Or B.) I’m embarrassed to own this. So while supposedly “Cryptoriana – The Seductiveness of Decay” is probably an ok album, it is solidly in the B category, because we couldn’t get past the cover. It’s bad. Sure the art is competently done, but so was “Young Sheldon.” So no, we didn’t listen to this album. At all. The only reason it’s not last is because it seems to be a popular one of the modern era. But we’re not getting past the cover. Seriously, everything about this cover feels like the band is watching you change without your consent. And I don’t know about you, but here at Hard Times Incorporated, we won’t watch you change without your consent.

Play it again: Couldn’t tell you
Skip it: agreed

10. The Manticore and Other Horrors (2012)

Kinda forgot this one existed. Lots of people like it, but the production feels off and Dani’s vocals are even less appealing than usual. Like most of the albums on this half of the list, there’s just nothing pulling us in besides name recognition. That said, because we’re not nerds, we had never heard the word “manticore” prior to this album coming out. But the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a manticore as “a legendary animal with the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a dragon or scorpion” and honestly that’s pretty dope.

Play it again: “The Abhorrent”
Skip it: “Frost on Her Pillow”

9. Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder (2008)

This album is overall pretty meh. It’s pretty rare that we come back to this one at all. In fact it would be lower on this list if not for one song title that cracks our shit up, every. damn. time. “Shat out of Hell” will never not be funny. If you’re not laughing, then you’re not picturing Meat Loaf bellowing “SHAT OUT OF HELL I’LL BE GONE WHEN THE MORNING COMES!” Incredible. Otherwise the album is whatevs. And it definitely loses points for having a track called “Tragic Kingdom” despite it not being a No Doubt cover. Bogus.

Play it again: “Shat out of Hell”
Skip it: “Tragic Kingdom”

8. Nymphetimine (2004)

This album came out in between “Damnation and a Day” and “Thornography,” and it sounds like it. There are epic moments and some actual bangers, but overall it feels like the band is stretched a little thin. It almost feels like they threw everything they had at “Damnation and a Day” and then when it didn’t do well they kinda just slapped a bunch of leftover “Damnation” riffs together and tried to make things a little more palatable for the mainstream. This album teeters right on the edge of being good and bad, depending on our mood.

Play it again: “Nemesis”
Skip it: “Nymphetimine Fix”

7. The Principle of Evil Made Flesh (1994)

Starting with this album, everything from now on is a “good” CoF album. This one is kind of like the classic film “Nosferatu.” Not the new remake. The old-ass one. It’s classic and honestly pretty great. But are you gonna watch it more than once a year? Nah. That’s this album. It’s miles better than some of their more recent and boring stuff, but it still feels like nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake.

Play it again: “The Forest Whispers My Name”
Skip it: “One Final Graven Kiss”

6. Existence is Futile (2021)

From the jump, great title. And for being their newest release, “Existence is Futile” is pretty solid. It’s kinda like the AFC Bournemouth of CoF albums. It’s never gonna be number one. It’s just not gonna happen. But it’s not even close to being in last place. And honestly, when it comes down to it, this album goes pretty hard. The cover art is… trying. It’s trying its best. It’s like almost scary? The problem is unless you’re looking at it close up, it kinda looks like a giant ant in a chair. Which I guess is cool. Ants are actually pretty neat.

Play it again: “Unleash the Hellion”
Skip it: “Discourse Between a Man and His Soul”

5. Hammer of the Witches (2015)

First off, the album title rules. Easily their most metal-sounding album title. For a band that puts out a lot of cutesy, winky, spooky album titles, this one is just so sick. On top of it, this album rips. Out of all the “modern era” CoF albums, this one is easily the most re-listenable. It blends the riffs and the orchestral/keyboard shit in a way that harkens back to the heyday of the band. And speaking of riffs: they got some riffs. We can’t exactly put our finger on why the riffs riff so hard on this album, compared to their other newer stuff, but they do. They riff. Hard. Hard Riffs. The hardest. Of riff. So hard, those riffs. Hard riffs, riffing hard. I’m having a stroke.

Play it again: “Yours Immortally…”
Skip it: “Blooding the Hounds of Hell”

4. Dusk… and Her Embrace (1996)

We know. It should be number one or whatever. We never get album rankings right. Do we even listen to CoF? Etc etc etc. Look, It’s a good album and there are some all-time tracks on here, but it’s just not as good as the other ones on this list. If “The Principle of Evil Made Flesh” was “Nosferatu” then this album is Coppola’s Dracula with Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder. It’s kinda corny, but it’s also super awesome. And you’re pretty much never not in the mood for it. It’s a solid reminder of where the band came from. And thankfully the albums ranked higher prove that the promise of this album wasn’t a fluke. Plus the last minute of the title track absolutely rips.

Play it again: “Funeral in Carpathia,” and “Dusk and Her Embrace”
Skip it: We can get down with some of their intros, but “Humana Inspired to Nightmare” is a bridge too far for us.

3. Cruelty and the Beast (1998)

This album should be number one. But the drum production is embarrassingly bad. It makes Lars’ “St. Anger” drum sound seem ahead of its time and punchy. Speaking of Metallica, the drum production on this album feels like a prank on the level of the bass on “…And Justice for All.” Like the band were intentionally being dicks, thinking it was funny, and now the album sucks. The drums on this album sound like Nick Barker played on a cardboard box. Which is wild, considering he is EASILY a top 5 metal drummer of all time. He’s rumored to have quit the band over what they did to his drums, and we don’t blame him. They recently remastered “Cruelty and the Beast,” and so obviously it sounds better now. But at Hard Times, it’s OG or go home. And the OG version of the drums on this album suck a butt. In a bad way.

Play it again: “Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids”
Skip it: “Portrait of a Dead Countess” is entirely unneeded.

2. Damnation and a Day (2003)

Here’s the thing: People hate this album, and it doesn’t make sense. This album fucking shreds. It’s over-the-top, out of control and pompous. It’s genuinely everything we love about Cradle of Filth. Is it too long? Yeah, but literally every single one of their albums is. That’s like saying you don’t like this album because Dani Filth makes a screechy sound. This album has the riffs, it has the moody vibes, it has a concept. But most importantly it has a budget. DaaD is the band’s one and only major label album, and they milked that shit for everything it’s worth. Some bands sound better when they’re recorded on a phone behind a dive bar. Cradle of Filth sounds best with the 101-piece Budapest Film Orchestra. It’s their longest album and it’s their most epic album. And were it not for how good number 1 is, it’d be the pinnacle of what this band does.

Play it again: “Presents from the Poison-Hearted,” “Hurt and Virtue,” and “The Promise of Fever”
Skip it: “Babylon A.D. (So Glad for the Madness)

1. Midian (2000)

If you’re a fan, you already know. This is it. This is the most “Cradle of Filth” Cradle of Filth album. It’s gothic and scary but also so corny in the best way. They take it so seriously and yet the whole album feels like a giant wink. But then the riffs are so killer this whole album is a paradox. It’s a heavy, heavy album that also heavily features the harpsichord setting on the Casio. Why does it work so well? Who knows. But it does, and its their best. HARD TIMES HAVE SPOKEN!

Play it again: yes.
Skip it: don’t

Stephen Miller Unwinds After Long Day by Rewatching the Horse Death Scene From “The NeverEnding Story”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller capped off his day by rewatching the death of horse Artax in beloved 1984 children’s fantasy film “The NeverEnding Story,” appalled sources confirmed.

“Spending my day fighting to enact policies requiring mass deportation and family separation of migrants is exhausting,” Miller said as he reclined in his loveseat and giggled at the sobs of character Atreyu. “It feels great to come home every night and watch Atreyu struggle futilely to pull his beloved horse out of the muck as he succumbs to the crippling depression pervading the Swamps of Sadness. I’m not even a big fan of the movie as a whole; I just like this and the scene depicting children bullying the character whose mother just died. There’s just something about the gut-wrenching despair enveloping Atreyu that makes me feel so warm and content.”

Wife Katie Miller reacted to her husband’s behavior.

“Look, I love misery and suffering as much as the next God-fearing American,” Miller confided as she watched her husband squeal delightedly and clap his hands before restarting the scene. “I just think he should branch out and watch something different every now and then. I work in the Department of Government Efficiency, which I know is a complete joke. Nevertheless, I’d still like to be able to relax and watch something else at the end of the day, but Stephen is always watching that stupid horse die. As much as I enjoy seeing my husband revel in a child’s anguish, it’d be nice to be able to play an episode of ‘Yellowjackets.’”

Psychologist Chike Adeoye weighed in on the situation.

“Malevolent government leaders love to revisit upsetting scenes from childhood movies in their downtime,” Adeoye offered. “I see this all the time in my case studies. Whether it’s Vladimir Putin rewatching the old lady die in the beginning of ‘Up’ or Ronald Reagan having Charlotte’s death scene in ‘Charlotte’s Web’ played on repeat during White House holiday parties, the psychopaths running the world all have a specific taste for childhood trauma. Dick Cheney had a 65-inch TV set up in the US Naval Observatory just so he could watch the funeral scene from ‘My Girl,’ so Stephen Miller’s proclivities are certainly nothing new.”

At press time, Miller was beginning his nightly bedtime routine by rereading the end of “Where the Red Fern Grows.”

Real-Life Cinderella: This Woman’s Dealing With a Rodent Infestation and Her Family Hates Her

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Take note, Charles Perrault! And would someone PLEASE shove the hemorrhaging corpse of Grace Kelly out of the driver’s seat?? Because there’s a new, real-life Cinderella in town, and she’s a 36-year-old unemployed Missouri woman with a severe rodent infestation.

“My name is Dolores Twarp, I got rats and my stepmom is a bitch, what of it?”

We had the chance to speak with Dolores one enchanted evening outside a Kirkwood methadone clinic, where she regaled us with stories from her uniquely fairy-tale life.

“I moved in with my stepmom and stepsisters a few weeks back. But they’re always on my case about how I never do my chores and I need to stop free-bleeding on the ivory beige carpet. I’m also friends with a couple dwarves and one of em’ is pretty angry and the other is fucking stupid. But yeah, Cinderella works, I guess. Can I have a cigarette?”

And just like Cinderella, Dolores has a pretty hazardous rodent infestation.

“Oh shit yeah, the rats definitely do my bidding, but I don’t got much use for fancy gowns and elegant balls, so instead I make my rats grab me a Lunchable from the fridge, or if I sell some of my used panties online I’ll let them box ‘em up and take ‘em down to the post office. Sometimes it works, and then sometimes I find my old boy shorts serving as the load-bearing wall of a rat’s nest. But it’s the price of unpaid rodent deliveries.”

Unfortunately, Dolores does not have a fairy godmother and must deal with her evil stepmother on her own.

“Yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m the one who gave everyone in the house sucking lice. But I only did it because I thought they would eradicate the Rat Lungworm infestation. And no, actually I don’t know how everyone in the house caught Rat Lungworm. Why does everyone blame the lady with the loose rodents scrounging in her bed? Maybe my mom picked it up at the rotary club. You can’t prove she didn’t.”

But like every true princess, at the end of the day, Dolores simply wants true love.

“I’m just looking for a Prince Charming who won’t require me to wear a dental dam. So if you know anybody, tell ‘em to hurry up because this pumpkin’s already starting to rot.”

Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, indeed!

Descendents Announce New Album “Milo Moves to Canada” Set to Release Late January

Posted on by Kimberly Scott

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Punk band Descendents announced a new album titled “Milo Moves to Canada” in response to Donald Trump’s election victory, which is set to release late January, confirmed sources.

“It’s the natural progression of Milo and his coming of age story,” said lead singer Milo Aukerman while testing out his brand new bunson burner he ordered off eBay. “First you go to college, then you don’t want to grow up, because naturally everything sucks, but then all of a sudden a wannabe dictator is reelected president and you have no choice but to move to Canada. Song titles include ‘Ontarioage,’ ‘Trudeauage,’ and ‘I Wanna Be a Moose.’ We even have enough material for a follow-up EP. That one will be titled ‘Milo Gets Universal Healthcare’ and will be released as soon as Milo becomes an official citizen of Canada.”

Fans couldn’t wait for the new album.

“Finally the band seems to be getting back to their roots,” said Greg Hypson. “I thought they were taking Milo in some sort of Bill Nye the Science Guy direction with their 2016 release of ‘Hypercaffium Spazzinate,’ since it had a bunch of beakers all over the album cover. Hell, Milo’s head and body were even depicted as some sort of nightmarish Lovecraftian laboratory flask. That one just didn’t speak to me. But moving to British Columbia is a message I can get behind.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances in music history.

“This isn’t the first time a punk band was going to title their album about our neighbors up north in response to major political events,” said critic Mel Drapson. “Green Day’s concept album ‘American Idiot’ was initially called ‘Canadian Genius.’ That was going to be about a guy who immigrated to Calgary during George W. Bush’s time in office. The Misfits’ ‘Walk Among Us’ was at first going to be titled ‘Walk Among Us in Saskatchewan,’ which was a concept album about an American zombie vampire werewolf living in Saskatoon to escape the Reagan administration. Punk bands are always trying to escape to Canada. Or at least writing about it.”

At press time, Descendents announced a 30-city Canadian tour that coincidentally begins on Inauguration Day.

Naive Man Puts Money Into 401(k) as if Future Exists

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BENTONVILLE, Ark. — Local naive man Collin Blakeman blissfully contributed savings to his 401(k) despite the fact there is no future in which he will be able to use them, sources who need to have their Xanax prescriptions refilled confirmed.

“It’s exciting watching my portfolio grow and it gives me peace of mind knowing that by the time I’m ready to retire decades from now, I’ll have a nice little nest egg,” said Collin Blakeman, 34. “I’m on track with my retirement fund that by 2057 I’ll have enough saved up that I’ll be able to travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef and also Alaska to see those giant icebergs and maybe some polar bears. Heck, I’d even be happy to go to Los Angeles and see Malibu. There will be so many opportunities for me in the future.”

Some friends of Blakeman say they think he is wasting his time and money by saving for a future that doesn’t exist, however.

“I don’t get why Collin, or anyone for that matter, would bother wasting their money saving for the future. Does he not see what is going on around him?” said Tim Slinger while frantically scrolling news stories on Reddit. “Everything is so fucked and the world is literally on fire. And oh… look at this! It’s an article about how microplastics are basically everywhere and are probably floating around in my brain right now. If I were Collin I would just spend my money getting wasted to numb the crushing weight of reality which is what I am going to do right now.”

Financial planner Kelly Trainor says she understands how in these troubling times some may be wary of saving for an uncertain future but she still advises her clients to contribute to savings and not just because otherwise her career would become irrelevant.

“I always tell my clients that I get it. You look at any news now and you can’t help but feel like things are bleak,” said Trainor. “But I always say to them that if you just ignore the certainty of an impending climate disaster, escalating global nuclear tensions, international terrorism, domestic terrorism, the near certainty of worsening pandemics, major US cities engulfed in wildfires, whatever the fuck those drones are in New Jersey, and probably some other unimaginable hell that surely awaits humanity, it’s still best to continue to invest in their futures.”

At press time, Blakeman said he was in talks with a realtor about buying a house that as he claims “Will be great to raise a family in and who knows, maybe someday even have my grandchildren visit.”

Opinion: I Have Finally Come Up With a Theme for My “Pandemic Album” and That Theme is Isolation

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

As a creative, it has always been imperative for my art to speak to its moment without feeling confined to any particular zeitgeist. Timelessness cannot be forced. Instead, it must be cultivated naturally through curiosity, trust, and patience. That’s why I’m proud to say that I’ve finally realized isolation should be the prevailing theme of my album about the COVID-19 pandemic.

I can still vividly recall – back in 2020 – when the coronavirus was declared a pandemic and everything started shutting down. The loss of regular in-person human contact was disorienting, to say the least. As was being confined to my basement studio, which didn’t get much in the way of sunlight. I knew this period – however long it may be – necessitated chronicling. What I struggled to arrive at was an overarching concept, one that evoked not just this era-defining event but also bridged it to humanity and its inherent need for connection. I knew it would come to me eventually. But when?

There were a few false starts. For instance, in October 2020, I thought the theme could be “werewolves” but then I remembered I had just rewatched “The Howling.” Then, I think it’s a murderous bipedal revenge demon until nope, I had just rewatched “Pumpkinhead.” I was kind of freaking out about it once stuff started opening back up. For my own peace of mind, I had to let go and let it come to me. I won’t say my hope didn’t waver at times. But I never gave up entirely. The other night, as I was falling asleep, it suddenly hit me five years later: isolation.

Like, just think about it. The pandemic was a time of distance, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’ll never forget – on about the fourth day of quarantine I started looking through old yearbooks and talking to my cat like he was my therapist. If that’s not isolation, I don’t know what is.

It didn’t stop there. If anything, this sense of isolation grew the more time I spent by myself, gradually losing touch with the outside world. It may seem like an obvious theme in hindsight. But some things can only be realized in hindsight. And I truly believe that the time spent waiting for it to come to me has only strengthened my ability to communicate it.

And the best part? The lyrics are all already taken care of thanks to ChatGPT.

Questlove Wonders What He Must Have Done in Past Life to be Forced to Listen to Jimmy Fallon Every Night for Past 15 Years

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW YORK — Ahmir K. Thompson, better known as Questlove from the band The Roots, recently questioned what kind of horrible person he was in a past life to have been forced to work for Jimmy Fallon on “The Tonight Show” for the past 15 years, according to other staff members wondering the same thing.

“I know it seems like I’ve got a good thing going here,” a rehearsing Questlove stated before being pushed aside at his drum kit by Fallon who wanted to spontaneously riff. “But as you can see there’s more to life than money and fame. You know what it’s like when you feel pressured to laugh at every stupid joke your boss makes? It’s like working with a real life version of Michael Scott without the charm. I’ve never believed in reincarnation until a few years ago when I figured I must have been a real piece of shit in a previous life to have to see this guy’s face every day. I probably massacred a whole village of 18th century peasants or something.”

Fallon chimed in with his take on Questlove’s employment.

“He’s such a kidder!” giggled Fallon as he handed out copies of his latest holiday album to anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact. “Seriously, that dude knows he’s lucky. He gets to practice his craft while at the same time having a front row seat to one of the funniest shows and most zaniest hosts on TV. Trust me, bro, people love me. They tell me to my face all the time each year when I do their yearly reviews and their paychecks depend on it.”

Expert Katie Simpson explained how reincarnation may impact other celebrities.

“The list is long,” said Simpson. “Many celebrities in unfortunate situations may very well have done misdeeds in past lives. According to my research, Kevin Eubanks, who spent his career working with Jay Leno, lived a past life where he was in charge of signing off on the safety of hydrogen to fuel the Hindenburg. And DJ Tony, who had the dubious honor of working with Ellen Degeneres on her talk show for eight years, was found to have very likely been the reincarnation of Joseph Stalin.”

At press time, Questlove nearly drove off the road after Fallon jumped up from the back seat with one of the Jonas Brothers for an impromptu karaoke song.

Every Book on Elon Musk’s Shelf Just False Lever That Reveals Yet Another Katana Room

Posted on by Matt Husser

STARBASE, Texas — A contractor working on Elon Musk’s new Texas mega-mansion revealed that every book on the billionaire’s shelf was just a false lever that reveals a katana room, sources confirmed.

“You have no idea how much of a nightmare building this library was—see that shelf over there, the one with forty copies of ‘The Art of Epic War by Elon Musk’? Each copy is a fake lever that opens up its own individual katana room,” said Mark Galloway, examining the blueprints of the Imperium Wing. “Normally I’d be excited to win a contract this big, but every day he’d come in and give weird notes like ‘more yeet’ or ‘can you make the katana moan when I remove it from the display.’ Not to mention he keeps trying to pay me in something called SkibidiCoin. Sir, I don’t know what that is but I don’t want to accept any currency that comes out of a virtual toilet.”

Elsa McCormick, a maid at Musk’s mansion, revealed the difficulties of cleaning the labyrinthian interior of his palatial manor.

“Mr. Mus—oh, excuse my insubordination, he prefers God-Emperor of Mankind—The God-Emperor is very specific about how I clean his ‘cerebral dojos’,” said McCormick, carefully dusting a custom katana with a handle carved from a copy of ‘Atlas Shrugged’. “I do prefer this job to working in the Holodeck rooms, though. It makes me very uncomfortable when he commands me to read a bedtime story to his thirty virtual children who are programmed to call me ‘Mommy Grimes.'”

Musk himself insisted that his many secret rooms were necessary to concentrate on pioneering the next technological revolution.

“You must keep your mind as sharp as a fine katana forged from the rarest space metals, and my many cerebral dojos allow me a place to complete complex astrobiomechanical calculations while honing my skills with the blade,” said Musk, hacking through a stack of ‘woke’ video games. “In fact, I have the highest-IQ master blacksmiths forging me new katanas around the clock. Satoshi-San here wrote me a fantastic haiku the other day: ‘Lord of space and time. Not weird, but cool, actually. Daddy would be proud.’ Simply tremendous, I shall have it emblazoned on the gates of my first Mars colony.”

At press time, President Trump visited Musk’s mansion and asked why he was having pajama parties with Benihana chefs in his dumb knife rooms.