New Superhero Emerges With Power To Know Exactly How Many Cars Would’ve Fit on This Curb if Everybody Didn’t Park Like Fucking Assholes

Posted on by Livy Berry

LOS ANGELES — Reports have come in of a new hero with the superhuman ability to tell how many cars would have fit on along a curb if not for the fact that everybody parked like absolute fucking assholes, confirmed sources.

“I don’t know how it happened, I just woke up today and I could tell something was different. I was unable to park on the curb outside my favorite coffee shop and something within me just knew that seven cars should be able to fit on this curb, but there were only six. At that moment I knew I had to use this power for good,” the hero explained, who said his true identity was a secret, but that he’d like to be known as Auto-Otto. “To be honest, the answer is usually one or, at the absolute most, two more cars than are currently parked on any given curb. This new ability is a blessing and a curse.”

Auto-Otto kicked up quite the fuss, letting everybody around him know about his incredible discovery.

“I had just parked and heard him roll his window down before shouting that one more car could fit along the curb, and my mind was blown,” said Kevin Alonso, a witness to the incredible event. “I said to myself, that guy is a super genius, and he’s doing the public a great service with his ability. Honestly, I just feel lucky to have been there for such a historic event. He’s not the hero we need, but he’s the hero we deserve.”

The surfacing of this hero has already brought many figures of Auto-Otto’s past out of the woodwork, the most relevant one being Courtney Miller, an ex-girlfriend.

“I don’t know where he got Otto from, his name is Josh,” said Miller. “Part of why I broke up with him was that he had such terrible road rage. He would always roll his window down and scream at people. Seeing this change in him has been eye-opening, I mean he must have learned a lot to choose such a selfless path.”

At press time, Auto-Otto was seen spending some time greeting his new fans before speeding off into the sunset in his Toyota Corolla to continue saving lives. 

Pretty Neat! Here Are Five Canadian Metal Bands Who Don’t Have To Worry About Going Bankrupt From an Emergency Room Visit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Along with its publicly funded universal healthcare system, Canada has a long, storied history within metal music. As if having understood that medical care is a fundamental human right isn’t enough, our show-off neighbors to the north have produced bands that stand amongst the genre’s all-time greats. As such, here are five Canadian metal bands for whom a single trip to the emergency room won’t cause a life-ruining amount of medical debt.

  1. Voivod

These French Canadian weirdos have been playing their specific brand of progressive, technical, and experimental thrash metal since the early eighties, and have likely been unconcerned about having their finances destroyed by a sudden injury or late-night illness in the process. Give 1987’s “Killing Technology” a listen, but don’t headbang too hard, lest you end up with a savings-draining case of whiplash!

  1. S.T.R.E.E.T.S

Vancouver’s S.T.R.E.E.T.S (Skateboarding Totally Rules Everything Else Totally Sucks) play some sick-ass crossover thrash that serves as a perfect accompaniment to mastering your heelflip over that gap in your apartment complex’s parking lot, but only if you live in Canada. If you’re an American, just don’t even attempt it so you don’t end up having to choose between being seen by a doctor and having a roof over your head.

  1. Gorguts

And we’re back to French Canada! Gorguts is one of the best death metal bands of all time, and whether it’s the old school death metal mastery of “Considered Dead” or the otherworldly dissonance of “Obscura”, you can’t go wrong with any of their albums, so long as every dollar you earn for the rest of your life isn’t claimed by the debt you accrued from visiting the hospital in a country that refuses to join the 21st century. If that’s the case, you likely have bigger fish to fry. At least Gorguts doesn’t have to worry about that, so they can focus on writing killer metal!

  1. Cryptopsy

Fine, we guess we’re staying in Quebec for now. Cryptopsy revolutionized both technical and brutal death metal with 1996’s “None So Vile” and are continuing to release sick metal to this day despite a couple hiccups since then. We’re willing to bet their maniac drummer Flo Mounier has never refrained from hitting those blast beats for fear that a shoulder sprain will have him maxing out his credit cards.

  1. Thantifaxath

These guys play some gnarly-ass avant-garde black metal that—fuck! Goddamnit! Is our carpal tunnel acting up again? Ugh, we definitely need to get this looked at, but we don’t have insurance. Shit.

Bruce Springsteen Clarifies He Meant ‘Little Girl’ in the Misogynistic Way, Not the Pedophile Way

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

COLTS NECK, N.J. — Music legend Bruce Springsteen released a statement to clarify that his intentions in the song “I’m On Fire” were misogynistic in nature and not sexually depraved, sources confirmed.

“With all these guys who like to diddle little girls apparently running our society, I couldn’t just stand idly by as the king of New Jersey,” said The Boss himself. “Let me make myself crystal clear: I am not sexually attracted to minors and I would never write something so disgusting and vile as a song about lusting after a little girl. Yes, I did say ‘Hey little girl is your daddy home,’ but get your filthy minds out of the gutter! I meant, ‘Hey lady, is your boyfriend around?’ You gotta understand that I simply don’t respect females as my equals. Come on!”

Sarah Bell, a PR representative from Springsteen’s team, shared some additional insight on the statement.

“It just became more and more apparent that a clarification was needed given the sheer amount of pedophiles,” said Bell. “It’s completely understandable that someone would misunderstand that line and think that he was talking about little girls when he said little girls. But we have strong values here and we as well as Bruce would like to distance ourselves from evil people as much as possible. And may I add that we really would like the focus to be more on the not being a pedophile part than the hating women part.”

A professor of Gender Studies at Stanford University shared a unique professional perspective on the issue.

“You can’t really say that the ‘little girl’ lyric is misogynistic in nature versus pedophilic in nature, because misogyny is itself largely rooted in the pedophilia,” said Jamie Ashcroft. “You see it in the way that beauty standards emphasize the importance of smallness and weakness and how people call women ‘girls’ but men get ‘guys’ instead of ‘boys.’ The reason these pedophilic ideals have been normalized is precisely because of the ruling class’s depravity. It’s not a fluke. But I don’t really expect a talking baseball glove from Jersey to understand these nuances, so I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt.”

At press time, Springsteen also wanted to add that the song doesn’t mean he’s literally on fire. 

We Interviewed Vertical Horizon While Thinking They Were Tonic, but It Didn’t Seem To Make Any Difference

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, we can’t possibly be blamed for this little snafu. Can you say that you’d be able to tell the difference between these two bands? Be honest. So we thought Vertical Horizon was Tonic the entire time we were interviewing them. Big deal. Luckily, we were able to get through the entire conversation without our mistake seeming to make any difference, so no harm, no foul. Here’s the interview.

The Hard Times: Hey, it’s great to meet all of you! How are you doing?

Vertical Horizon: Likewise! We’re doing well. Happy to be here!

HT: So, your music was obviously heard by basically every millennial on the radio during their formative years. It must feel great to know that you touched the lives of so many in the late 90s and early 2000s.

VH: Of course, it was really a shock to us when “Everything You Want” was released, and we were hearing it all over the place. That was a special time for all of us.

HT: Oh…yeah, because you guys definitely wrote that one, too. We totally knew that.

VH: …yes. So anyway, it does feel fantastic to have our music appreciated by so many. We’re truly blessed.

HT: So what’s in the pipeline for y’all?

VH: We’re in the planning stages of a new album, which will be our first since 2018, and we’re about to embark on a nationwide tour with our friends in Tonic, which we’re really looking forward to.

HT: You’re going on tour…with…Tonic?

VH: Yes, later this year, but we can’t wait to get out there and see all of our fans again.

HT: …great! Well, we’re ecstatic to hear new music and see…your band on a new tour! Anyway, it was fantastic catching up with you! Good luck with everything!

VH: Absolutely! It was our pleasure!

There you have it. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we think we handled the situation really well. We may not be the most experienced or informed interviewers, but we can disguise our own ignorance with the best of them. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with Seether. Or is it Shinedown? Shit, we should probably double-check.

Sleep Paralysis Demon Pretty Nice Guy Once You Get to Know Him

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CLE ELUM, Wash. — Local man Vincent Yangford assured his wife that his sleep paralysis demon was a “pretty chill dude” once you got to know him, confirmed sources who’d prefer to take his word for it. 

“He’s just like you and me, only he shows up when my body is legitimately paralyzed while my brain appropriately freaks out for a good 20 to 30 seconds,” said Yangford. “Sure, on paper he’s terrifying and doesn’t say much, but we can’t fault the slumbertime ghoul just because he’s a little socially awkward. Once you understand that he’s just a little shy and isn’t good at first impressions, you’ll see that he just wants to be friends, albeit at the worst possible time. I mean, would it kill him to show up when all my appendages function perfectly? Anyway, let’s give the guy a chance. Besides, it’s not like he’s ever severely harmed me, so how bad could the demon be?”

Longtime sleep paralysis demon, who goes by Kevin by his close friends, was glad that someone finally understood him for who he is. 

“They always say that it’s hard to make friends as an adult sinister presence,” said the 37-year-old demon in between routine hauntings. “But I’ve been trying really hard to make connections. Believe me, I’ve done everything. I’ve tried standing motionless over people as they sleep, smirking at them from the corner of their bedroom at three in the morning, and even sitting on their chest while playfully choking them. I guess these people just don’t get my dark sense of humor. Well, at least Vincent does. We’re best friends now.”

Experts have long been intrigued by sleep paralysis and the demon that can occasionally accompany the phenomenon. 

“Hard to believe but a lot of these shut-eye devils are kind of dicks in person,” said sleep specialist Louis Wayne. “You’d be hard pressed to find one who just wants to kick back and have a few beers with you while you can’t move a single muscle in your temporarily lifeless body. But they are out there. You just have to give them a chance. Once you see that they’re just like you and me, and need an emotional bond, you’ll soon come around to their malevolent force and you’ll be pickleball partners in no time.”

At press time, the sleep paralysis demon was seen asking Yangford if he wanted to grab a bite to eat at 3:30 a.m.

Boss Who Doesn’t Pay You Enough Wonders Why You Don’t Travel More

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SANDY SPRINGS, Ga. — A local marketing manager who pays his employees next to nothing was perplexed as to why they don’t take more vacations, according to nearby sources trying to leave the office on time in order to make it to their second jobs.

“This younger generation just doesn’t know how to have fun!” said 56-year-old Greg Lewis as he sauntered in from a two-hour lunch. “I’ve known Tyler for many years, and I don’t ever remember the guy going on any type of vacation. Not so much as a trip around the world or even a three-week sojourn to the Himalayas. It’s almost as if his age group just doesn’t have what my generation liked to call the ‘joie de vivre.’ I’m not sure if it’s all the harmful social media or addictive video games sapping their desire for adventure, but it’s really sad. I just wish there was something I could do.”

The overworked and underpaid Tyler Pierce described why he didn’t travel more.

“I can barely afford my rent each month, so the only vacation I get is when I’m dead asleep after another 16-hour day,” said Pierce as he popped an Adderall mid-shift. “Greg has never once given us a raise, so I’m not sure why he keeps saying he’s baffled that we don’t go on multiple vacations a year like he does. Whenever he comes back from globetrotting to yet another exotic destination, he forces us all into his office to look at the pictures, then makes one of us go through them and delete any duplicates. Saying we hate his guts is an understatement.”

Employment expert Brittney Cabela described the boss’s behavior as being part of a larger trend of employers being seemingly unaware that poverty exists.

“Bosses historically have no clue about the conditions their employees face,” Cabela stated. “They assume just because they inhabit the same physical office space that they must live relatively similar lives. They fail to see reality because their socio-economic bubble is just so vastly different, not to mention, and this is the real crux of the matter, that their heads are usually lodged so far up their own asses that they can’t see straight.”

At press time, the boss also wondered why his staff spends so much time bitching about public transportation when, according to Lewis, “Driving your own Range Rover to work is so much easier.”

Well Fuck Me Then! Friend of a Friend Introduces Himself Like We Didn’t Already Drunkenly Meet at a Party Nine Years Ago

Posted on by Kyle Donley

So apparently Mike’s friend Clay doesn’t seem to know about Mike’s friend me, and I don’t know, maybe it’s a small thing, but WHAT THE FUCK!? Is this guy serious? Aren’t we Facebook friends or something? I almost hugged this fucking guy, thank god he said something first!

Does Mike not talk about me to his friends from Ithaca? Should he? I can’t really imagine why he would, but now I’m angry. Like, oh, now I’m the “weird guy who can’t stop thinking about Mike’s friends”. No dude, you’re clearly Mike’s friend Clay! I know this because you’re the only person I’ve ever met named Clay. I also know that you like BMX bike stuff and that you had a really hot girlfriend who I used to Facebook stalk a little bit, which means we are almost definitely friends on Facebook. 

Those are all the things I know about Mike’s friend Clay. It’s not a creepy amount of stuff to know about him; it’s a normal amount, a courteous amount for friends of friends. He’s all trying to shake my hand like, “Nice to meet you, dude,” without even attempting the “I feel like we must’ve met at some point” routine that is certainly customary in this scenario. But I guess to Clay, 2017 never happened. Poor guy, he must have no idea about the #MeToo movement or Blade Runner 2049. Surely he suffered some 2017-specific brain injury or maybe some amnesia that only affects his memory of Mike’s former co-workers. 

I went to Taco Bell with this motherfucker! 

I hate Clay now. He’s my enemy. It’s honestly super weird that he doesn’t remember me because I know for a fact that I got embarrassingly drunk the night we met, and everyone was talking about it. In fact, we were asked to leave the Taco Bell because of me! I threw up, it was freaking hilarious. Like, ok, fine, maybe you don’t remember my “name” but you could at least have the decency to say, “Hey, weren’t you that guy who barfed on the counter at Taco Bell, that was hilarious!” or something along those lines. 

Fucking Clay… It’s funny, now that he’s introduced himself, he’s never felt more like a stranger. 

Second Lemmy Added to Mount Rushmore of Bassists

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — In a controversial but, according to organizers, “inevitable” decision, the International Bassist Council (IBC) confirmed Tuesday that a second likeness of Motörhead’s Lemmy Kilmister will been added to the Mount Rushmore of Bassists, joining the first Lemmy and Primus’ bassist/frontman Les Claypool, sources within the IBC confirmed.

“Look, we tried to do this the right way. We put Lemmy up first, obviously, no debate,” said IBC spokesperson Harold Vance, standing in front of a statue of the Motörhead bassist that stands in the IBC offices. “Then we added Claypool. But after that, we really struggled on who should be added next. We had council meetings and held votes but we just couldn’t come up with another name worthy of the honor. At a certain point, we realized the only fair thing to do was to add Lemmy again. I’m not going to lie, a lot of this has to do with getting non-bass fans interested in the instrument so you have to choose names people are familiar with. We already had to add Flea, despite his problematic ties to The Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

The decision has drawn backlash from members of the bass community, many of whom feel certain bassists had been overlooked.

“It’s ridiculous! There are so many incredible bass players out there. Innovators. Technicians,” said local bassist Trent Alvarez, who, sadly, has been playing the instrument for 18 years. “I mean, what about Geezer Butler? Or John Paul Jones? Or, or, or fuckin’, Carol Kaye?! Geddy Lee crushed it in Rush and he didn’t need a 40 piece kit to do it. Bassists are the artery of the band, without us nothing flows. Maybe this bass organization would like to have a word with the legend Bootsy Collins! This is all politics man.”

Experts say the situation reflects a deeper, long-standing issue within music history.

“Bassists have always been at the mercy of narrative control. The most famous ones like Paul McCartney and Sting actively try to make you forget they played bass,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, Professor of Bass History at UC Berkeley. “Guitarists dominate the discourse, and over time they’ve rewritten history to minimize the role of bass entirely. What you’re seeing here isn’t favoritism, it is history being written by the winner.”

At press time, the IBC confirmed that discussions are underway to finalize the fourth face, with early proposals including “Young Lemmy,” Spinal Taps’ Derek Smalls and Paul Rudd in that scene in “I Love You, Man.”

Tom Hanks Reveals His Character in ‘Saving Private Ryan’ Was Also a 13-Year-Old Who Had Wished To Be Big

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Actor Tom Hanks revealed that his character Captain John Miller in 1998 epic war film “Saving Private Ryan” was actually a 13-year-old who had wished to be big, much like his character Josh Baskin in 1988’s “Big,” surprised sources report.

“Few people know this about John Miller, but his origin story is that he is indeed an adolescent trapped in a grown man’s body,” Hanks noted. “He had been bullied by some older teenagers at a carnival near his house before wishing he was bigger on a Zoltar fortune telling machine. Unfortunately for Miller, however, is the fact that this happens in 1943, so he’s promptly conscripted into the United States Army and sent to France to take part in the Normandy invasion. I did my best to convey Miller’s background in my performance as he braves the German onslaught on Omaha beach before embarking on his mission to rescue Private James Ryan, but perhaps I could’ve done a better job if this wasn’t clear to the audience.”

Movie fan Ramon Andrade was taken aback by the news.

“Oh wow, I’m a huge fan of ‘Big’ and ‘Saving Private Ryan,’ but I didn’t know both movies were so similar,” Andrade reacted. “I guess it’s kind of hard to tell what Miller’s origin story is when he’s getting shot at and narrowly avoiding stepping on land mines. I know there’s a whole subplot of the other rangers trying to figure out his hometown, so I suppose that’s an allusion to the fact that there’s more to his backstory than one would assume. Now I can’t wait to rewatch each of them so I can pick up on all the subtleties that I missed before.”

Cinema expert Megha Bhandari expounded upon Hanks’ filmography.

“Not many people know this, but all Tom Hanks movies take place in the same cinematic universe,” Bhandari revealed. “For example, his character in ‘Castaway’ had spent some time in his youth as a child’s cowboy action figure, and his Conductor character in ‘The Polar Express’ is actually Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger. It’s certainly easy to overlook these, but I encourage all Tom Hanks fans to rewatch his movies to see how many of these connections they can pick up on their own.”

At press time, Hanks had also revealed that John Miller had had a love affair with a mermaid before he was drafted overseas.

Weird: This Person Who Listed Their Political Affiliation as ‘Moderate’ on Dating App Seems To Love Donald Trump

Posted on by Charles Bill

Sometimes things are not what they seem. A blessing might be a curse, a horse might be a donkey, and a person I met on a dating app who listed their political affiliation as “moderate” is really into Donald Trump.

The date was going just fine, we were discussing our favorite Peter Jackson movies, and we were shocked both of us said the Desolation of Smaug. We ordered our food, and he commented on how the waitress had purple hair. I thought he was just showing off that he notices things, but it seemed to really upset him. 

We sipped on our cocktails and he kept talking about how hilarious Trump was, which I thought was odd for a moderate, because normally they don’t have opinions on anything. As the chicken wings came to the table he declared that ‘Iran really did have it coming.’ Whatever, a little weird, but I stuck around because he told me his penis was ‘bigly’.

‘Both sides are bad,’ he said. I assumed he was talking about his cole slaw and his mac and cheese, but he elaborated to say that the stuff Joe Biden did was just as bad, if not worse, than Trump’s actions. I asked which of Trump’s policies he didn’t agree with, and he deflected by showing me how much hot sauce he could eat at once. 

As our date progressed, so did the praise for our president. I mentioned how gas prices are killing me and he gave me a three-minute, seemingly pre-rehearsed, speech about how it is a short-term loss for a long term gain. I tried to order dessert and he told me that the Dow is over 50,000, which it isn’t even.

I kept waiting for his moderate positions to come out, like being apathetic and aloof, but he instead dropped ketchup over himself and blamed it on the Obama administration.

He insisted on paying for the check because he claimed he was a “high-value man,” but his credit card bounced and I took care of it.

All in all, it was an ok, if confusing date. He is the first man I’ve met on Grindr who wanted to repeal gay marriage, so that was interesting.