Lockheed Martin CEO Takes Bite of Drone 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

BETHESDA, Md. — Lockheed Martin CEO James Taiclet recently released an Instagram video of him taking a bite of a Vectis Combat Drone during his lunch hour, confirmed sources. 

“I love this product, we’re going to do a tasting here. I’m going to have this drone for lunch,” said Taiclet, seated at a Lockheed break room table with a Coke Zero and a giant drone in front of him. “We have tested this already on schools, hospitals, and weddings all over the world. And now for the most important test: the taste test. Sure, it could use a sesame bun, but at Lockheed, we’re not picky with our unmanned aerial vehicles.”

Warehouse Foreman George Maxwell said it wasn’t the first time he’s seen their CEO on the premises.

“He’s in here sometimes. Occasionally, I’ll see him taking a bite out of a new missile recipe. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him eat a drone though,” said Maxwell. “I don’t eat any of the drones myself. I don’t think any of the other guys do either. I usually have something leftover that my wife made for dinner. If I don’t have leftovers I usually have a sandwich or something. Never a drone though. Too many carbs.”

Lockheed Martin Communications Director Brittany Shamlock was on hand to oversee the video shoot. 

“It’s important to jump on these trends when they’re out there,” Shamrock began. “I’m fresh out of Vanderbilt where I studied mass communication and I know when the CEO can get out there, show their personality, and eat a weapon of mass death as a meal, it’s something you’ve got to do. Jim is so down to earth and grounded. He’s a father of daughters. It’s so fun to see him let his hair down! This is what the public doesn’t see every day. A man who gets up, drops his girls off at school, and then makes weapons to bomb schools just like that overseas. It’s special.” 

At press time, Taiclet made an appearance on “Hot Ones” where he tasted bombs with increasing levels of spice.

Success Story? Man Finally Makes Enough Money To Have His Health Insurance Taken Away

Posted on by Dom Turek

After countless years of shoveling shit, kissing corporate asses, and innumerable acts of self-betrayal, dejected data entry clerk Thomas Brock was beginning to think it was all in vain, but not so fast, Brock. As older, wiser data analysts before him have said, “don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens.” 

It’s a good thing he heeded their advice, because two weeks after he’d secretly vowed to quit his job, move to a fishing port off the Florida coast, and spend more time with his wife and kids, his job gave him a pay increase so impressive that he and his family lost their health insurance. Welcome to the big leagues, buddy. You finally made it. 

Sure, the increase in salary comes with longer hours, which means there will be less time to spend with his rapidly aging dog, and almost no time for hobbies, but sacrifice comes just before greatness. If keeping up with the Joneses means switching your daughter’s prescription inhaler for a generic one that looks like a kazoo, then so be it. With your new pay raise, you’ll be able to afford an air purifier from Sharper Image that will make her forget she even has asthma.  

When wait times go down, and he gets a representative on the phone (which should happen any minute now), he and his family will be switched from the meager “Essential Plan” to the “Gold Plan.” Finally, a plan with some balls and insignia. Before you ask, yes, the premiums are astronomical, the benefits minimal, and the only in-network dentist is technically a veterinarian, but the new plan has the word “Gold” in it, and isn’t that what matters most?

This is just the beginning for Brock and his family. If he stays with this company five more years, he’ll get another pay increase and be eligible for the “Platinum Plan,” which only one other person in the office has. Unfortunately, the exclusive plan doesn’t cover ophthalmology visits, but once you’re able to afford an inground pool with an artificial grotto, your kids will barely even remember that their Dad wears an eyepatch now. 

Black Metal Band Wouldn’t Have Burned Down Church Had They Known It Would Detract From Priest’s Latest Abuse Allegations

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MOBILE, Ala. — Members of black metal band Christspearer found themselves regretting setting fire to St. Mark the Evangelist’s Catholic Church after realizing doing so had detracted from abuse allegations against its priest, Father Ronald Mayhew, sources report.

“We really need to do more research before we do this shit,” said frontman Alex “Razael” Rodriguez. “We shouldn’t have just run out and burned down the first church we saw. Now there’s a pedophile priest who might evade justice just because everybody’s attention is now focusing on the fact that his house of worship is a pile of ash. Now there’s probably going to be a big outpouring of community support to raise funds for his parish, with fucking bake sales and shit like that. He’s going to end up so much better off than he would’ve been had we just left his church alone.”

Mayhew was obviously relieved to see his workplace destroyed.

“When I showed up to the church this morning, it was like that last scene in ‘Office Space,’” Mayhew said while wiping his forehead in relief. “There’s like 20 allegations of abuse being lobbied against me, and if I’m being completely honest, they’re all legit. Hopefully that will all blow over, though, as everyone’s focus gets turned to the church being set ablaze. We’re in the South, too, so I can maybe use some talking points from the Satanic Panic about this evil heavy metal band that’s burning churches in some kind of ritual. That’ll certainly keep everyone occupied, at least until I can get moved to another parish.”

Community member Dara Crestfield was upset by the arson.

“I’m pissed off, and not because a fucking church got burned down,” Crestfield lamented. “I couldn’t care less about that, but now everyone in this town is going to be up in arms about it instead of trying to get that awful priest arrested. Couldn’t that band have been satisfied just taking some pictures in the forest while wearing corpsepaint, or even killing each other and wearing their skulls as jewelry? There were a ton of other things they could’ve done to prove how evil they are. We just gave this robed creep free reign to keep up his horrible behavior against the people he’s supposed to be guiding and protecting.”

At press time, Catholic Church leaders were hoping for this to happen at several thousand other places of worship around the world.

ICE Agent Getting Impatient With Leniency Towards the Irish and Italians

Posted on by Jose Balderas

NEW YORK — Newly minted ICE agent Jake Barnes was overheard complaining about the agency’s ongoing leniency towards Irish and Italian residents, confirmed sources.

“It’s not even about meeting our daily quotas but I just think we’ve gone too far ignoring the fact that there are tons of Irish and Italians running around this city who think they belong here!” said Barnes while eating a calzone at O’Sullivan’s Pub. “They want us to clean up America but our pool of candidates to pick up off the street is diminishing. We can only keep picking up the same Puerto Ricans until management thinks we’re slacking off! What happened to the America that also saw the Irish and Italians as unwelcomed? That’s the America I want to get back to!”

Coworker Rodolfo Barrera believes Barnes is being influenced elsewhere.

“Since he joined the agency a month ago he always wants to talk about ‘Peaky Blinders’ and asks everyone if we’ve seen it,” said Barrera. “But none of us have and he keeps talking about how we need to beat up the Irish and Italians like on that show but when we asked him why they do it he said he’s only seen the previews. He’s actually really good at stopping people of color but you can tell he’s not enjoying it. He threatens everyone with deportation back to Dublin which, honestly, sounds like a reward more than a punishment.”

Department of Homeland Security recruiter Jennifer Luera detailed how they try to prevent an agent from disobeying orders.

“We have lots of agents who are very eager to go above and beyond their required duties currently assigned and while we love the motivation to clean up America we don’t suggest they go outside of their current missions,” relayed Luera. “Historically, our agents aren’t well-equipped to fight anyone of Irish or Italian descent so they have strict orders to only question and detain anyone at least 10 years older than them, preferably female, and ideally too old to put up a fight. Our insurance package will not cover injuries sustained while on the job and we have no doubt they would lose a fistfight 9 times out of 10.”

At press time, Barnes was seen releasing an undocumented Canadian from custody after confirming with another ICE agent that Canada is in the United States.

What, So Carving “Slayer” Into Your Forearm Is Normal, but Carving “Toad the Wet Sprocket” Isn’t?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The nineties were a great time as far as iconic rock tunes were concerned. We couldn’t turn on our radios without being bombarded with catchy choruses over major-chord arpeggios, and we were better off for it. There’s no shame in being a die-hard follower of our favorite bands of the era, which leads me to wonder why carving “Slayer” into your forearm is normal, but carving “Toad the Wet Sprocket” isn’t.

Seriously, double standard, anyone? Why do thrash metalheads get a free pass to act self-destructively while alternative rock fans are expected to comport themselves in a more socially acceptable manner? Just because I’m not as enthused to air guitar the solo to “The Antichrist” doesn’t mean I’m not a music nut who’s willing to spill blood to show his fandom.

Speaking of which, this is a lot of blood. Maybe I should’ve been a little safer and gone with an acronym instead of the full band name? At the very least, it would’ve probably been a good idea to clean the knife before putting it to my skin. Just grabbing a dirty one out of the sink was admittedly a rookie move. I have no fucking clue what this thing was just used on, but it must’ve been something with a lot of bacteria, because there’s an awful lot of pus coming out of the wound, which is a drag because it’s starting to obscure the lettering.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Toad the Wet Sprocket. Sorry, I’m just starting to get a little lightheaded. “All I Want” is a stone-cold classic, and you’re lying to yourself if you’re pretending it hasn’t brought you to tears at some point in your life. It certainly has for me, and whether said tears are the result of Glen Phillips’ soulful crooning or my arm rapidly succumbing to what appears to be a rather serious infection remains to be seen. The only thing I know for certain is that there’s absolutely nothing weird about the action that brought me to this place.

But I digress. I think I’ve made my point perfectly clear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better nip this problem in the bud and get some antibiotics. It’s only been about a week since I had to get the Better Than Ezra brand on my bicep looked at, so the gang down at the MedExpress will probably remember me.

Study Confirms ‘Two Beers In’ Even Better 12 Beers In

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic midwest emo anthem “Two Beers In” is even more enjoyable after 12 beers, confirmed sources. 

“As the Midwest’s premiere academic institution, it’s an honor to be a part of this culture-defining discovery,” quipped Northwestern University researcher Sarah Planter. “I was born and raised in Peoria, so my friends and I grew up listening to American Football and Cap’n Jazz. We always knew midwest emo fucked, so we turned to science and Anheuser-Busch as a way of helping others enjoy the genre that shaped us. According to brainscans and magnetic imaging, we can conclude with certainty that one of midwest emo’s greatest hits gets even better the more fucked up you are. We encourage all readers of the study to try this at home for themselves. Don’t forget to drink irresponsibly.”

One of the study’s participants isn’t shocked by the findings. 

“I’ve always suspected it sounded better the more hammered I got, so it’s cool the scientists were able to prove I’m not just imagining things,” said participant Brett Billings. “After the first few, I just started singing the chorus louder. Then after like eight, I started my own solo mosh pit. But after drinking the whole 12-pack, I started crying and wishing I had been a better partner to my ex. That was awesome. The study also helped me understand the song’s subtle artistry. Because when they sing about having two beers, it’s actually foreshadowing for having a shit ton of beers, and I think that’s beautiful.”

Other researchers are eager to weigh in. 

“We’ve all heard anecdotal evidence surrounding the idea that substances can enhance a music listener’s experience. So from an empirical perspective, it’s truly incredible to have proof that these claims are true,” said Johns Hopkins professor Moira Dabney. “Back in the day, we used to just give hippies a few tabs of LSD, send them to a Phish concert, then ask them how it was afterwards. And while I’m ecstatic to read the study’s findings, I’ve learned that as a result, the school has pulled funding for a new study where we’d give cocaine to people at a Municipal Waste show. Which, speaking scientifically, is a total bummer.”

Since publishing, the study has met criticism from other researchers, where many have suggested that a dozen beers isn’t nearly enough to fully study its effects on the listener.

Surgeon General Confirms: Housing Two Large Stuffed Crust Pizzas Without Lactaid Still Best Treatment for Constipation

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — The Office of the Surgeon General released comprehensive guidance on using two large stuffed crust pizzas as a first-line medication for severe constipation, a spokesperson confirmed.

“Scientists work ‘round the clock to discover breakthroughs in cures to elusive conditions such as cancers and post-viral illness, but sometimes the most effective treatment is Domino’s,” explained Office of the Surgeon General representative Samantha Mirala. “We’ve confirmed that scarfing two large pizzas infused with mozzarella without the help of any added enzymes is almost as effective as colonoscopy prep to clear you out, and we’re here to tell America: It works 100% of the time. Much like the wheel, pizza shits just don’t need improvement. We’d like to thank Papa John’s for funding our study.”

Looking to share more details about how to incorporate these findings into everyday life, leading gastroenterologist Dr. Matthew Jenkins shared some insights.

“Constipation is on the rise in this country and it has been found to contribute to rates of colon cancer, which has also been increasing,” said Dr. Jenkins. “With intervention at the forefront of my medical praxis and knowledge of the importance of stuffed crusts when it comes to poop, I’ve been prescribing weekly pizza parties for all my lactose intolerant patients. I didn’t need this announcement to know that’s what works best. In medical school, you learn that dairy can be ‘binding’ for the bowels, but butts-on-experience will always win out over textbook knowledge. It’s as simple as this: If you’re backed up and even a little sensitive to dairy, call your favorite pizza delivery boy and light a candle in the bathroom.”

Longtime pizza eater Dave Gregory himself confirmed the Surgeon General’s claim.

“Dude, I knew wearing diapers when I eat pizza without Lactaid pills every day was a healthy choice,” said Gregory. “People are always telling me, ‘Dave, you need to eat vegetables. Dave, you need to eat fruits. Dave, you can’t have pizza for every meal and sometimes as a snack.’ But would fruits, vegetables, and a balanced diet give me such regular stool? I don’t know, I’ve literally never tried. It’s nice to know the Surgeon General and I are on the same page. Suck it, food pyramid!”

At press time, the Department of Health announced that it is working with insurance companies to bring the cost of a 14-inch pizza from $15 to $645.

Opinion: Can You Believe They Named a Major U.S. City After the Band Chicago?

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

I just didn’t realize Chicago was that big. Like, sure, I’ve heard “Saturday in the Park” and “If You Leave Me Now,” and yes, they’re great songs. But “permanently rebrand the third-largest metropolitan area in the United States” great? That’s how you know you’ve really made it.

Imagine being such a huge band that six major sports franchises bear your name. The Bulls? Named after the band Chicago. The Bears? Chicago. White Sox, Cubs, and Bruins? All Chicago. Oh! And I almost forgot Chicago Fire FC. You can’t forget Chicago Fire FC. Or the Chicago Sky. Great team. Real success. I watch women’s sports, and I support women’s sports. I have League Pass. Just because I didn’t know the city of Chicago was named after the band Chicago does not make me some kind of knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. 

Really think about it. Linkin Park was a huge band, and they only got a park. Boston was a pretty big band too, but they only got Boston, Massachusetts. Chicago? That’s a whole damn real ass city! Color me impressed. 

I had no idea that before the city officially became Chicago in 1971, following the release of the wildly successful Chicago II and the massive hits “25 or 6 to 4” and “Make Me Smile,” the city was simply called “Sausage Lake City.”

Wow. Good for them. For most bands, success is selling out Madison Square Garden. For Chicago, it’s naming an entire metropolitan area. A musical, two newspapers, a river, pizza, hot dogs, the whole kit and caboodle. I will never listen to “You’re the Inspiration” the same way again. I had no idea the inspiration for the city of Chicago was the band Chicago. Go figure.

Apparently, Chicago got their name from an Algonquin word meaning “wild garlic” or “wild onion.” The band members encountered it during a visit to the Field Museum of Natural History in 1967. It was Peter Cetera’s birthday, and he said he wanted to “go see da big dinos,” so the band took him there. While at the museum, Cetera announced that he “want snack,” and on the way to the café the band passed an exhibit on Indigenous peoples of the Midwest. Despite Cetera’s protestations and repeated insistence that they proceed directly to snack, the band lingered long enough to see the word shikaakwa, which French colonialists later rendered as checagou, and eventually, Chicago. The band, who at the time were called The Big Thing, immediately decided to change their name, and then got Cetera a hot dog and a Coca-Cola for being such a patient, good boy. I can’t believe I didn’t learn any of this in school. It almost feels like they kept this history from us. What else are they keeping from us?

“People Die in War,” Shrugs Man Who Has Spent Hours Screaming About Trans Kids Playing Softball

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, famous for his loud, impassioned tirades about such topics as high school trans athletes, the contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, and the democratic hoax of affordability problems for the average American, reaffirmed his basic indifference toward the death of U.S. soldiers at a recent press conference. 

“People often die in war,” shrugged a totally cool, calm, and collected Trump to reporters regarding the death of American sons and daughters, adding, “That’s the way it is.” 

Members of the press found this new Donald Trump to be a far cry from the man who, on countless occasions, had screamed himself red in the face endlessly about such trivial things as the size of his own hands, parade attendance, and Taylor Swift. 

“I honestly could not believe this was the same man I’ve been covering all these years,” recounted long-time White House correspondent Tricia Harding. “I can tell you, this is the calmest and most concise the president’s comments have been since quipping ‘I like people who weren’t captured’ in reference to Senator John McCain, or dismissing a request to pose with an amputee veteran with a curt ‘It doesn’t look good for me.’ If I didn’t know any better, I would say he is completely indifferent about, or perhaps even mildly gratified by, the notion of U.S. servicemen dying for him. Maybe he was tired that day.” 

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth defended the President against accusations of callousness on Instagram Live. 

“If you think Donald Trump is disrespectful of military personnel, you clearly did not see him during the dignified transfer of the fallen soldiers. Look at the baseball cap he chose to wear! Not a MAGA baseball cap, not a promotional Trump 2024 baseball cap, no, just a pure white baseball cap with USA on it. Oh, and his presidential number on the side. That is the baseball cap of a man observing pomp and circumstance to its most respectful height! I’d say it’s a hell of a kind gesture considering how bad those troops made him look by being dead like that and all!” 

At press time, Trump was rumored to be cutting a deal with McDonald’s, which would supply half-priced Big Mac promo codes to the immediate family of fallen soldiers, good for two weeks after the time of death.

Wife Begrudgingly Encourages Husband To Buy the Fender Custom Shop Guitar Instead of AR-15

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LA MIRADA, Calif. — Kat Rapier decided to let her husband purchase a Fender Custom Shop guitar he’d been eyeing for years after he suddenly became interested in AR-15s, confirmed sources.

“I know the country’s in a current shit-state and everyone’s getting paranoid about our leaders but the moment my husband started going down a semi-automatic rifle rabbit hole for ‘home defense’ I knew I had to make the sacrifice and pivot his interest elsewhere,” said Mrs. Rapier. “I’d constantly catch him looking at a ‘68 Fender Telecaster Thinline which means nothing to me but when I thought he was up to something nefarious in the middle of the night he would just be watching YouTube videos about it. The day I saw him on a gun website I knew I had to bite the bullet, no pun intended, and let him buy the dumb guitar.”

Husband Will Rapier explains how one of the happiest days of his life came about.

“I was talking to my wife one morning about possibly buying military-grade weaponry to protect our suburban home, even though our biggest intruder is a neighborhood racoon but you never know when you might have to stand your ground and defend your castle. Before I made the commitment to buy it my wife blurted out ‘Buy the Telecaster’ and I immediately knew which one she meant,” recalled Mr Rapier. “The fact that she knows how special it is to me will only make it much more. I was on the phone with Fender within minutes and they convinced me to pick up a ‘64 Custom Deluxe Reverb amp too. When I told my wife they even offered 5% off I could tell she was stunned by how wide her eyes went. Anyway, this has thoroughly depleted the budget for any other purchases for a good while and I’ll just have to defend our home from intruders with some sweet licks.”

Fender Custom Shop manager Leo James said this was not an uncommon experience.

“Nobody ever wants to look at our charts but we’ve graphed how spikes in public unrest and violence always leads to an uptick in high-end guitar sales,” said James. “It’s quite wild and I’m surprised no one has accused us of being part of a grand conspiracy to sell more guitars via control of world politics. Spouses and partners rush their significant others to buy something that will actually appreciate in value over time instead of a firearm. The only downside of this trend is that it overshadows our sales of Squier guitars that we see real guitarists buy.”

As of press time, Mrs. Rapier encouraged her husband to buy the Tom Morello signature Fender “Arm The Homeless” guitar after she noticed him getting a little too invested in Civil War history.