Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Quiznos Mascots From 2004 Still Looking for Forever Home

Posted on May 23, 2026May 21, 2026 by Matthew Micheletti

APPLETON, Wis. — Quiznos mascots the Spongmonkeys have reportedly been looking for their forever home since the mid-2000s, confirmed sources who prefer to call them lemurs from Hell.

“All we’ve wanted all these years is a nice warm forever home to reopen our portal back to Hell after our contract ended,” said one of the Spongmonkeys. “You know who doesn’t have to sleep in garbage juice for years behind a Panda Express? The fuckin’ California Raisins! They get a nice place to live forever because they play the saxophone and wear sunglasses. What a load of crap! We will work for literally anyone. Jimmy Johns, a Buc-ee’s, it doesn’t matter as long as we get a permanent place to crash and mildly freak out customers.”

Bettie Salmonich, a volunteer at a local unemployed mascot center, explained the forever home crisis facing these symbols of capitalism.

“You know, many Americans don’t consider what happens to these corporate mascots once they stop appearing in ads. Many are left struggling to find a nice forever home to take them in once they retire or get phased out,” said Salmonich. “A classic example is The Noid. He had it all: The pizza fame, the pizza money, the pizza women in little red rabbit suits. Eventually, he too was cast out on the streets and forgotten when he was caught fornicating with batches of pizza dough at multiple Domino’s locations. Unfortunately, that’s the way the pizza slices.”

Mascot legend Joe Camel knew all too well about forgotten colleagues.

“You know what really happens to some of these mascots who don’t find a forever home, right? CEOs order them to be hunted down. No care, no love, just a bullet between the eyes, man. It’s hella sad, bro,” explained Mr. Camel while smoking a Marlboro. “We never really think about the Travelocity Gnome or the Burger King himself anymore. It’s getting so sad that even Microsoft’s Clippy stuck himself into a power outlet after 10 years on the streets. All they really wanted was a warm place to crash and the love of a caring corporate advertising family.”

At press time, the Spongmonkeys were heard to have a lead on a new forever home with 7-Up’s Cool Spot, but they were tragically run over outside in an Arby’s parking lot.

The Next Jordan Peterson? This Transphobic Twit Makes His Bed Before Getting Numb on Benzos

Posted on May 23, 2026May 21, 2026 by Ryan Darrah

Few public figures have established their credentials as transphobic assholes more convincingly than Canadian professor and YouTuber Jordan Peterson.

Even before Peterson started deadnaming trans celebrities and throwing tantrums about being asked to refer to his students by their preferred pronouns, I couldn’t see him as anything more than a smug mediocrity with a punchable face. But for a time, he was a media darling, and he still attracts a cult following in Incel-adjacent circles of the Manosphere.

And now, in a horrifyingly cruel twist of fate, I share my apartment with just the sort of pill-popping transphobic twit who may be the next Jordan Peterson!

When budget constraints forced me to solicit a new roommate on Craigslist, I knew there was a chance I’d end up cohabitating with someone of questionable moral fibre. I never imagined, however, that I’d get stuck living with a benzo-addled cis-supremacist who has declared a dietary jihad on fiber.

Admittedly, the red flags were there from the start, but I guess I was too cash-strapped to notice: when Troy came by to check out my apartment’s spare bedroom and assured me he’s a bit of a ‘neat freak’ who makes his bed every morning, I thought he was just trying to make a good first impression. Sadly, I didn’t pick up on his not-so-cryptic signalling that he’s the kind of asswipe who swears by Jordan Peterson’s ‘12 Rules For Life.’

Next thing I know, he was moving his meat fridge into my spare bedroom. Even then, I just naively assumed he had an iron deficiency. I figured that would explain why he needed a short lie down after every item he moved into the room.

Only after his check for his first month’s rent cleared did I find out that he wasn’t knackered because of a shortage of iron in his diet, but because he also emulates his intellectual hero by popping Xannies until he’s more anaesthetised than an elephant getting a root canal.

If he just stayed in his room when he numbs himself on benzos, maybe we could make things work. But his religious adherence to Peterson’s carnivore diet — eating chuck-eye steaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner — means the whole apartment constantly reeks of cheap cuts of beef. And when I confront him about it, I get called an enemy of Western Civilisation!

Cutting my rent in half just isn’t worth having him hog our only couch while he gets teary-eyed during a diatribe defending some new anti-trans post by JK Rowling. And if he’s gonna keep berating me for having the eating habits of a cultural Marxist and throwing away my bread and vegetables when I’m at work, I’m gonna have to kick his Jordan Peterson-wannabe ass out.

Dying Fetus Album Features World’s First ‘Prenatal Advisory’ Warning

Posted on May 23, 2026May 21, 2026 by John Danek

GREATER UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — All future pressings of American death metal institution Dying Fetus’s 2023 album “Make Them Beg for Death” will feature a “Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Content” warning, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced.

“We have been warning parents for decades about objectionable content on albums, but we are finally providing necessary guidance to music-loving fetuses, embryos, and zygotes,” declared RIAA chairman Mitch Glazier, who is rumored to have been pressured into this change by the Trump administration. “The number of Evangelical Christians buying Dying Fetus albums under the impression they contain pro-life messages of worship is bigger than you think. As much as I love to throw down in the pit to some brutal tech-death, I don’t think it’s quite suitable for our in utero music fans.”

Dying Fetus’s founding guitarist and vocalist John Gallagher expressed indifference towards the unusual warning.

“I don’t give a fuck. If anything, those warnings make our albums look cooler and signify to fans that this is the real shit,” said Gallagher, who has threatened to punch or dox any interviewer who asks him about the politics surrounding abortion. “I’m just disappointed that we live in a world where people are so dumb that one could see an album named ‘Make Them Beg for Death’ by a band named ‘Dying Fetus’ showing someone getting their throat slit and wonder what the content inside may be like. It ain’t exactly the Bluey soundtrack. How much more hand-holding do you need?”

Obstetrics researchers have confirmed that any music consumed by a fetus during pregnancy can have powerful effects on the person’s subsequent life.

“We’ve known for decades that playing classical music for a child in the womb can lead to anxiety and unrealistic expectations on math scores in their childhood and teen years,” stated Dr. Laurie Englund, lead researcher at Johns Hopkins Medicine. “But the effects of death metal, grindcore, powerviolence, and related genres are woefully understudied. In an informal study, I played heaps of pageninetynine for my son Gary while he was in the womb, and other than having obsessive-compulsive disorder around the naming of documents, he turned out fine.”

The RIAA has also recently announced that any new albums by controversial ambient musicians will contain a warning of “Parental Advisory: Implicit Content.”

Opinion: This Global Energy Crisis Means People Need Improv More Than Ever Right Now

Posted on May 22, 2026May 20, 2026 by Malia Simon

With a worldwide energy shortage close on the horizon and people expressing more and more fear about total economic collapse, it’s important to remember that there’s never been a time when the human race more desperately needed joy. And by joy, I mean live improv comedy.

We’ve long known that art has the power to change the world. Remember when a group of street artists took to the Berlin Wall in the 80s to paint murals that conveyed the dangers of political division? This is like that, except it’s six of us assembling into a big line across the stage and pretending to be some sort of locomotive with a zany personality.

This whole oil bottleneck stuff is scary. I’ll say it. But our troupe, GOOD GRIEF, has the power to remind people that there is more to life than energy, resources, democracy, electricity, and global infrastructure. There is also the chance to watch six aging art school grads miming an unhappy school bus. Like, we took an inanimate object like a school bus, but had the idea to personify it and make it totally off its rocker. Think Kramer from Seinfeld, but with big rolling wheels. The original idea and the staging for it might’ve been mine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t value my troupe and each of their contributions, no matter how small.

What folks are craving right now is not a “stable job market” or a “guarantee that they will own a home in 3 years.” They are craving a performance from people who have put blood, sweat, tears, a year of practice, sometimes even 2, plus $650 of their child’s college fund into the Upright Citizens Brigade. Some of us have put up to $800, and these things definitely show up when you take to the stage, not that it matters or anything.
The point is, as artists, we have a responsibility to our communities to continue our crafts, whether people are asking us for it, if they’ve forgotten how to ask for it, or if they are literally on their hands and knees begging us to stop. It’s our unspoken contract with the world. We bring you an hour of joy and imagination, and you bring us $15.50 and your cousin’s friend who’s in town, whom I’ll casually sidle up to at the bar and ask who they think stole the show, if they’re being honest, until they scoot away to the bathroom. How’s that for a crisis of energy?

Landlord Adds $500 Pet Deposit for Rats Living in Attic

Posted on May 22, 2026May 20, 2026 by Bill Conway

BOSTON — Local landlord James O’Toole informed his tenants that he will be instituting a $500 pet deposit for every rodent living in the attic of his rental property, frustrated sources confirmed.

“No more Mr. Nice Guy. I’m always being taken advantage of. If I don’t start charging them for all the rats in the attic then soon they are going to ask me to fix their hot water, or help identify the smell in the kitchen that’s ‘making everyone sick,'” said O’Toole from his vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. “My tenants don’t understand the stress I’m under all the time. One of the country clubs I attend is upping their rates next year and I might not be able to afford the Diamond Platinum Member Package if I don’t start making some more money. That level grants me after hours access to the clubhouse, and that’s when all the fun happens.”

Ryan Livingston, the tenant required to pay the new pet deposit, believes this is an unfair policy.

“The only reason Peter even knows about the rats is because I complained about all the noise they make running around and scratching at the ceiling. They have been a menace for months. They come out of the attic at night and eat everything in the cabinets. I’ve spent nearly $200 on trail mix this month alone,” said Livingston while sweeping up rat droppings. “The thought of having rats as pets is gross. They are dirty disgusting creatures and I’m afraid to let my salamanders free roam because one of those rodents might attack them.”

Tenants rights lawyer Gabrielle Pinto says landlords are always trying to find ways to extract more from the people living on their property.

“I had one property owner in Braintree who tried claiming a broken toilet that didn’t have any water in the tank was actually a low flow model to comply with a new building code. And another who tried claiming that a burst pipe in a kitchen ceiling that was leaking all over the room was a new ‘eco-friendly dishwasher,’” said Pinto. “I’m not sure if greedy people become landlords, or being a landlord makes you greedy. Either way, I’d love to see every landlord loaded onto a bus and driven straight into the ocean.”

At press time, O’Toole announced he would be raising the rent after finding out the mold in the walls is only toxic to children under five.

Study Finds America’s New Retirement Age Is Death

Posted on May 22, 2026May 20, 2026 by Jesse Kubanet

NEW YORK — A recent study that analyzed the latest Census data revealed that America’s new retirement age is death, confirmed sources who kind of already knew that.

“It’s best for Americans in this current job market to prioritize their job over life, family, friends, a vacation of any kind, and of course the very idea that one may be comfortable enough to one day not work,” said Matthew Terry, a project manager with Economics Enterprise, who helped conduct the study. “We surveyed 100 middle-aged people and found that their current retirement savings are roughly -$50,000, if you account for consumer, medical, and student loan debt. So you have no choice but to work until your soul leaves your body and your body stays in an upright position with your fingers hovering over a keyboard. You know that thing in movies where someone discreetly closes a dead person’s eyelids? It is very likely an overworked and under-paid paramedic does that to you while your eyes remain transfixed on an Excel spreadsheet.”

Readers of the study felt a surprising sense of relief.

“Hearing this is actually really comforting,” said Jules Arnold, a middle school vice principal who also bartends four nights a week and drives for Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. “I don’t have to bother saving up for retirement anymore or figuring out what a 401(k) is. I was pretty sure I was going to keep slaving away at life until my last breath leaves my body, and this confirms it. It’s a weight lifted.”

Chief Economist at Fitches Ratings Brian Coulton weighed in on the current economic state of Americans mulling retirement.

“It’s best to shove those thoughts deep, deep down and never really put them in the front of your mind,” Coulton began. “Even in your wildest dreams, really. It just does not make economic sense. Between tariffs and a new forever war with Iran, the notion of retiring at all right now is laughable. You have to hustle as an 85-year-old to make it in this economy. Your only hope is that you’ll get one of those life-threatening illnesses and die at a young age.”

At press time, most Americans can be found weighing their options between donating plasma or semen in order to afford one bag of green grapes.

Four California Common Core Education Standards Not Being Met in the “Hot for Teacher” Music Video

Posted on May 21, 2026May 20, 2026 by Steve Packosky

In order to stray from passive learning environments, which hinder conceptual understanding, California has Common Core State Standards (CCSS) in place to help students compete with high school graduates from around the country, and even around the world, in our century’s rapidly changing job market. The standards, intended to emphasize critical thinking and class discussion, have indeed helped the state show progress. However, popular rock band Van Halen has unwittingly introduced us to the wanton disarray plaguing Southern California’s education system. As such, here are four Common Core Education Standards missing from their 1984 music video for “Hot For Teacher”.

Reading Standard #1: Cite textual evidence to support analysis of what the text says explicitly as well as inferences drawn from the text.

The opening classroom shot seems promising as students are shown with books on their desks, but any discussion of what’s contained therein is quickly dismissed as we see their teacher enter the classroom in a blue bikini. The resulting ruckus is far from a thorough demonstration of subject matter comprehension, and we recommend the students revert their focus to their assigned reading.

Writing Standard #4: Produce clear and coherent writing in which the development, organization, and style are appropriate to the task, purpose, and audience.

There’s a moment of potential after the first chorus as we see the students holding up their pencils, but that quickly vanishes as the setting quickly changes to the cafeteria, where the teacher once again enters in a bikini. We are beginning to think the required credentials for educators are not strict enough, and strident leaps need to be made there before we can address the kids’ writing deficiencies.

Literacy in Science and Technical Subjects #6: Analyze the author’s purpose in providing an explanation, describing a procedure, or discussing an experiment in a text.

Literacy in science is especially wanting in today’s world, which is why it’s so heartbreaking to not see so much as a science textbook, let alone a test tube or Erlenmeyer flask, in this video. The teacher needs to cut some minutes from her classroom’s designated debauchery hour so as to leave some room for introductory analysis of peer-reviewed journals.

Writing Standards for Literacy in History/Social Studies, Science, and Technical Subjects #9: Draw evidence from informational texts to support analysis, reflection, and research

What’s particularly distressing in the video is the chalkboard behind the strutting bikini babe going completely unused. This valuable tool should be utilized to foster discussion with her students to help them strengthen their burgeoning analytical skills, but instead it’s being completely ignored and unused as the room’s focus is wastefully directed at her physical attributes.

Sociologists Confirm: Midday Coffee Best First Date For People Who Love Shitting and Panicking

Posted on May 21, 2026May 20, 2026 by Arielle Andreano

SEATTLE — Sociologists at the University of Washington confirmed that midday coffee is the best first date for people who can’t get enough of shitting and panicking, confirmed sources who couldn’t wait to find the love of their life between the hours of 12:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m.

“We’ve been studying dating options for a while to narrow down what kinds of dates work best for what kinds of people,” shared a top sociologist Sarah Fleming. “With most dates, we’ve had trouble breaking down exactly what makes them special. But finally, we were able to distill a coffee date into its most basic elements: panic attacks and IBS. After that, the conclusions pretty much drew themselves. It’s like God designed the perfect date for panicked poopers, and it was right under our noses all along. We think this will really elevate the Starbucks-based dating experience.”

Singles in the local dating pool shared their thoughts about the news.

“I’d been struggling to find a first date venue that works best for me. I was tired of bars and the whole late night scene,” said Ariana Allen. “You know, I’m not really a night owl, so I’ve often felt really out of place on dates. I’m more of a stay home and get cozy having a panic attack on the toilet kind of gal. So hearing about this discovery has opened up a whole new hyped up, poop-filled dating world for me. I think I might finally be able to find love.”

Madison Perretta, a certified dating expert, spoke in depth about the implications that this study will have for the dating world.

“It’s important to pick a first date that is true to who you are to guarantee your own long-term happiness, as well as to make sure your partner knows what life with you could look like,” said Perretta. “So it makes complete sense that a coffee date would be absolutely perfect for couples who have embraced their IBS and panic disorder. This discovery will be so validating for so many people. Especially the aforementioned shitters.”

It’s being reported that in light of this news, the makers of Coffee Meets Bagel are working on a sister app called Coffee Meets Bowel.

Scientists Discover Direct Link Between Sending AI Videos to Your Friends and Being a Fucking Dweeb Who Can’t Read the Goddamn Room

Posted on May 20, 2026May 20, 2026 by Samuel Abraham

WASHINGTON — Scientists at the Brookings Institute happened upon an irrefutable link between those who feel compelled to send their friends AI videos and being a hopelessly socially deficient dweeb who is unable to gauge the atmosphere of their surroundings or the world around them.

“I’ve never seen findings this conclusive,” began Dr. Mia Reginald, the sociologist who spearheaded the study. “We had a large sample population, and all were given the opportunity and ease of infrastructure to send AI videos to their friends, in spite of how astonishingly repellent they are. We then would interview every participant after they were given the chance to send said videos. After months of rigorous, detailed observational and interactive studies, we noticed that every single person who opted to send AI content was indeed, a giant fucking doofus. Just a thick, inept goddamn dope that possessed absolutely no social skills or any necessary presence of mind that these modern times call for, whereas the subjects who didn’t send any AI content exhibited more or less normal amounts of assholery that you’d expect from your average citizen.”

Carl Bilgewater, a participant in the study and real fucking drag of a person, was eager to offer their perspective.

“Hey, man. These videos are cool. I love sending my friends these things! It’s like, there’s a little cat but it’s riding a motorcycle!” said Bilgewater. “I even took my money from the study to get a better subscription to ChatGPT and even scored a couple Louis CK tickets, too. The study was a nice break from the family, they never seem to like my cock jokes or whenever I wanna talk about my podcast about libertarianism at our Sunday dinners. Like, lighten up!”

Harland Gorkey, professor of social sciences at Harvard, offered grave warnings of the implications of Reginald’s discovery.

“These findings have ramifications that go well beyond the study,” said Gorkey. “If someone is this inept at reading the room, how are we to expect them to function in society long term? Fuck me, these fucking dorks are probably all going to have kids, too, and a gender reveal party that ends with 12 dead and a call to the fire department because they just had to use pyrotechnics in a forest during the dry summer season. Jesus Christ.”

As of time of printing, Bilgewater sent his family a total of 17 AI videos of his face on Rambo’s body doing pushups despite them all being upset that their grandfather just passed away.

Bitch Alert! This Woman With No Kids Enjoys Her Life — Guest Post by That Creepy Guy Staring Across the Bar at You and Your Friends While You Bask in Your Beautiful Independent Life

Posted on May 20, 2026 by Violet Meeker

What’s worse than a woman? A childless woman.

What’s worse than a childless woman? A childless woman enjoying her life.

If you want to press charges, the real crime is that one can only assume a childless woman has aborted at least 37 potential Kid Rocks. With that math, we could have more Kid Rocks. And what person is so bereft of culture to not desire such a thing?

Speaking of abortions, my wife says that until I find the clit I don’t get to decide if we keep it or not. Since I can’t procreate, it’s everyone else’s problem now. Including all the women I don’t know. I may not know the childless woman laughing at the bar with her friends that I’m staring down in a way that can only be described as “bone chilling,” but I know that a woman is one of three things: A girl, a mom, or a slut. So what the hell is this divergence? I just learned that word from a Marvel movie I watched another man watch on Twitch last night. It was fucking awesome.

Call me a breeding kink advocate, but I think it’s important to procreate if you can. It’s not a huge risk, either, considering the children we’re having now will probably be required to enlist in the U.S. Army by the time they’re ten years old. It’ll be just like the good old days! Procreation for the sake of the herd, and group trauma that bonds our nation under God. It’s making me hard just thinking about women being forced to not reach their full potential. The only things women do when they’re not having kids are get nose rings and do stand-up comedy. I think we can all agree that those are dangerous experiences a woman should not be participating in.

Women should be made to rear the mirror image of their fathers, not “finding themselves.” That’s weird, and whenever they do, they’re really mean to me.

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