We Should’ve Listened: Five Times VH1’s “Pop-up Video” Tried To Warn Us About 9/11

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The original iteration of VH1’s “Pop-Up Video” ran from 1996 to 2002 and featured popular music videos with interesting bits of trivia intermittently shown on screen, providing the viewer with information both directly and tangentially related to the artists and songs being played. While the information was usually comprised of charming and innocuous little tidbits, there were some darkly portentous messages thrown in. As such, here are five times “Pop-Up Video” tried to warn us about 9/11.

  1. Lisa Loeb – “Stay”

We were genuinely intrigued at the knowledge that Ethan Hawke directed this bare-bones little video filmed in a Soho apartment. However, a chill went down our collective spine when one of the bubbles contained the message “Six years from now there will be a catastrophic terror attack in the same borough this music video was filmed in. For the love of God, you need to act to prevent it”. We know hindsight is 20/20, but we really should’ve listened.

  1. Richard Marx – “Don’t Mean Nothing”

We hadn’t known that Playgirl had ranked Richard Marx one of the 10 sexiest men in rock ‘n roll in 1988, and we certainly didn’t know that the same ranking in 2001 would be overshadowed by the largest attack on our country since Pearl Harbor. The bubbles told us this, and what did we do? We stared slack-jawed at our screens and tapped our feet to this admittedly catchy tune, completely indifferent to the tragedy we could have stopped. Shame on all of us.

  1. Jewel – “Who Will Save Your Soul?”

“54% of Americans believe organized religion can save their souls” the bubbles told us. “However, the god they are praying to is a cold, indifferent monster who will look the other way as the symbol of American power and economic prosperity crumbles into heaps of ash” they also said. Maybe we were in the kitchen grabbing another Surge or something during this warning. We’ll just tell ourselves that so we can sleep tonight.

  1. Des’ree – “You Gotta Be”

Black and white television commercials are three times less effective than color ones, if the bubbles are to be believed, which they certainly should be considering all the warnings about the poor communication between the CIA and the FBI and the horrific calamities that were likely to result in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington D.C. We were just kids watching an awesome R&B music video, though. What could we have done? Why couldn’t the bubbles have warned somebody with more agency?

  1. Metallica “The Memory Remains”

Wait, not only did the bubbles warn us of 9/11 during this music video, but they also predicted Metallica’s release of the execrable “St. Anger” in 2003? How could we have sat idly by and let this message go ignored? It’s time we faced up to it: we’re the bad guys here. 9/11 was our fault, and even worse, so was that god-awful song “Frantic”. We’re so, so sorry, America.

Mark Zuckerberg Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Metaverse Demonstration Just a Dire Straits Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PALO ALTO, Calif. — American multinational technology company Meta’s chairman and chief executive officer Mark Zuckerberg found himself hoping that nobody noticed his latest Metaverse demonstration was just the 1985 music video for “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits, sources report.

“Oh man, I’ve been so focused on AI recently that I completely forgot about the Metaverse,” Zuckerberg told reporters as he left the stage. “Do you think anyone noticed that was just a music video played on MTV in the ‘80s and later on VH1’s ‘Pop-Up Video’? I mean, it looks just like Meta Horizon Worlds, right? I didn’t realize I had to give this presentation until a half hour before it started, so I honestly think that went pretty well, all things considered. I mean, that music video is like 40 years old, so it’s not like anyone in the audience recognized it for what it was. At least, I’m sincerely hoping that isn’t the case.”

Audience member Yesenia Ceja reacted to the presentation.

“Wow, that really fucking sucked,” Ceja observed. “It was just as bad as the demonstration he gave like three years ago, which was the last time I heard anything about the Metaverse. Wasn’t he all gung-ho about getting people to use this shit instead of commuting to their jobs? Whatever happened to that? To be perfectly candid, I only showed up to this thing out of morbid curiosity, and you’re telling me that I was just watching some music video from 1985? Could’ve fooled me, especially because it didn’t look any worse than the actual Metaverse. Can we finally admit that this dude is just some dumbshit without any good ideas who stumbled and backstabbed his way into being a billionaire?”

Tech expert Keith Rhodes expounded upon the situation.

“Obviously, it was always ridiculous for Zuckerberg to be pushing the Metaverse,” Rhodes said. “It looks like a shitty PlayStation 1 game and makes half the people who use it seasick. Hopefully, this sad excuse for a presentation is the final nail in the coffin for this failed endeavor, and he can go back to focusing on AI until he inevitably fucks that up as well. That was a catchy song that accompanied the video of those 3D construction workers walking around, though, I have to admit. I feel like my dad would love it.”

At press time, Zuckerberg admitted that he had also used clips from his old VHS copy of “Lawnmower Man” to make the presentation longer.

Help! My Therapist Claims There’s Not a Diagnostic Code for Repeatedly Listening to the Metallica Version of Whiskey in the Jar, So These Sessions Are Getting Really Expensive

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Folks, am I ever in need of some serious help. I finally found the Holy Grail: an in-network therapist. And wouldn’t you know it? My condition of “I Can’t Stop Listening to the Metallica Version of Whiskey in the Jar” isn’t covered! 

Now, I know this isn’t a unique issue to have in these United States. We’ve all heard the stories. The man who wasn’t approved for chemo despite his stage 4 cancer diagnosis, the woman who was about to get surgery for breast cancer when her insurance called the doctor in the OR to cancel, and now me, a person who can’t stop listening to the Metallica version of Whiskey in the Jar. And because of this despicable lack of awareness, I’m expected to shell out $150 per therapy session.

Before we’re able to overhaul the United States healthcare system, we at least need the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to accurately reflect the landscape of mental health struggles, so we can get our therapy covered by insurance. Homosexuality wasn’t removed as a disorder from the DSM until the ‘70s. This shows they can make a change with enough public pressure. It’s time we come together and force them to recognize this serious condition. Just the other day, I walked by a group of kids on their iPads. Except, they weren’t watching their typical brainrot YouTubers. They all had on an endless loop of the Metallica Whiskey in the Jar music video. That was when I realized this issue is bigger than just me.

But it’s also about me because I’m really broke, and $150 is a lot. I thought about going cold turkey, but the only thing that makes me feel better about my finances is listening to the Metallica version of Whiskey in the Jar. I did manage to find a job that lets you have one earbud in while working, but I just started going unevenly deaf because you can’t not put that song on full volume. I handed in my two weeks, and they said “We don’t do that here. This is a Waffle House. Please just leave.”

I don’t know what I’ll do until we make a change. All I know is that some men like a fishin’ and some men like the fowlin’. And some men like to hear, to hear the cannonball roarin’. Me, I like sleepin’. Especially soundly because I haven’t just sent all of my money to Cheryl Grisham, LMFT.

Festival-Goers Not Sure Whether Bluegrass Band From Appalachians or Brooklyn

Posted on by Jason Clemence

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local attendees at the Champlain Americana Festival struggled to determine whether bluegrass quintet Green Label Blues hailed from deep in the Appalachian Mountains or from Brooklyn, confirmed sources who “could really go either way on this one.”

“On the one hand, these guys definitely know their stuff. I mean, no wonder they got a headlining slot, they’re crushing it up there,” said audience member Stellan Wright. “And the banjo player [Christine O’Neil] is playing faster than that kid in ‘Deliverance.’ No way she learned that anywhere outside of West Virginia. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure the guitarist [Adam Wolfe] is wearing American Apparel jeans, so that definitely makes you wonder. And is that a pack of cigarettes rolled into his sleeve? That’s a bit much. My biggest suspicion came during the jug solo. It was sick, but the guy used a Carlo Rossi bottle; no way that thing’s ever seen a drop of real moonshine. There’s a good chance it’s just hipsters cosplaying as hillbillies.”

Green Mountain Blues’ tour manager Buck Freehold was unable to shed any light on the matter.

“I couldn’t care less where these guys are from,” Freehold said while adjusting his bolo tie. “I saw them play a little bar in Utica last year and, even though I don’t have any experience in the music industry, I convinced them to let me be their manager. They’re as naive as the day is long; I mean, I somehow manage to get a 50% cut of everything they make, and they don’t bat an eye. They get mainstage gigs at festivals, move a ton of merch, and usually don’t make a mess when they spit their tobacco juice, so who gives a shit where they started out? That being said, I actually think they’re from rural Oregon. Or maybe Silver Lake. And yet I think they have Midwestern accents. Your guess is as good as mine.”

Music-Ethnocologist Dr. Mary Hartwell confirmed that most fans have a hard time appreciating bands if they can’t identify where they’re from. 

“As my last peer-reviewed article explains, Geographic Poserism is very real,” Hartwell explained. “Back in the late ‘80s, you could be playing death metal on par with ‘Altars of Madness,’ but if you weren’t from the greater Tampa area, you might as well have been doing Poison covers. If you want to succeed in a niche genre, your zip code is a lot more important than your songwriting.”

At press time, the mystery persisted as Wright realized that the band’s percussionist [Bill “Scooter” McGraw] was playing an actual drum kit instead of a washboard.

DHS Agent Spying on Reddit Can’t Resist Chiming in on ‘The Golden Bachelor’ Discussion

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — Some Homeland Security agents tasked with monitoring Reddit discussions have a difficult time not commenting, sources within the department confirm.

“This might come as a surprise to some people, but DHS monitors everything that is said and done online, especially when it comes to reality television dating series commentary,” said agent Wilson Beringer. “In the interest of national security and all that, I was assigned to the Reddit beat a few years ago, figuring it would be an easy gig. However, one of the subs they put me on was ‘The Golden Bachelor.’ We’re supposed to maintain a professional distance, but sometimes the users’ takes are so wrong that I have no choice but to fire back. Last week some idiot was saying that Mel and Peg were a bad match! I just had let this person know what an utter moron they were, though I probably shouldn’t have had my full name along with ‘Official DHS Agent’ as my username. I’m in deep now.”

Fellow agent Denise Spalding, who monitors the main “Game of Thrones” subreddit, also has trouble staying out of the fray.

“That sub is full of wild speculation on how ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ will play out—if it’s ever finished, that is,” said Spalding. “Sometimes I’ll weigh in with a comment about what I think will happen. The thing is, I actually know how it will end because I’m also in charge of monitoring George R. R. Martin himself. He writes on an antiquated word processor, which I can’t access remotely. However, I am able to get into his home security cameras and I’ve taken screenshots of his whiteboard. Wait until those idiot redditors find out I was right about Hot Pie becoming the King of the Seven Kingdoms—not Bran.”

Government watchdogs like the Electronic Freedom Foundation have been warning about the impending surveillance state for decades.

“Certain federal agencies have always done a bit of domestic spying, but 9/11 and the PATRIOT Act really kicked it into overdrive,” said Peggy Fleming of the EFF. “Now law-abiding citizens aren’t even able to engage in conversations about their favorite movies and shows online without the government watching—and in some cases actively participating. Social media is crawling with feds trying to influence discourse. I can’t prove it just yet, but I’m convinced I was arguing with a federal agent about the end of ‘Bugonia’ the other day on Instagram.”

At press time, agent Wilson had been put on paid leave after he swatted a Reddit user who accused Golden Bachelor Mel of being a narcissist.

Aging Scorpions Singer Now Only Able To Rock You Like a Severe Tropical Storm

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HANOVER, Germany — Klaus Meine, longtime frontman of the popular hard rock band Scorpions, announced that he is now only able to rock you like a severe tropical storm, distressed sources confirm.

“I’m getting along in years, and a severe tropical storm is the best I can do,” Meine said sheepishly. “I had the best years of my life rocking you like a hurricane, but I’m almost 80 at this point. I hate to disappoint our fans, but I’ve been in this band since 1969. There are countless hours of video evidence of audiences being rocked by my cyclone-esque performances all over the world. People are just going to have to turn to those if they’re in the mood to be rocked to that designated level of preference, and cut me some slack if they come out to any upcoming Scorpions concerts.”

Scorpions guitarist Rudolf Schenker empathized with his friend’s plight.

“People don’t understand how difficult it is to keep our rocking at hurricane levels of magnitude, night after night, for decades on end,” Schenker explained. “Sure, when we released that song in 1984, we were in our mid-30s and fully capable of keeping up that kind of intensity, but the rock and roll lifestyle can wear down on you with time. I support Klaus in his plight, and will be right next to him on stage as he bravely rocks our audiences to a level that hasn’t quite reached the power necessary to register on the Saffir Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale, and I hope our listeners are open-minded enough to understand that he’s trying his best.”

Scorpions fan Ben Colefield was enraged at the news.

“Is he fucking kidding me?” Colefield spat. “I own every Scorpions album, and pay top dollar to see them every time they play Chicago, and this is how they repay me? It was one thing when they stopped playing ‘Sails of Charon’ live, because you can’t have anyone but Uli Jon Roth playing that killer intro solo, but the least they can do is play their hits like they always have. Their ticket prices better reflect the fact that they’re no longer going to be rocking me to a degree akin to that of Andrew hitting Dade County in 1992, or I won’t be in attendance.”

At press time, the band had announced they would now be playing “Breeze of Change” at their live shows.

Here Are Some Bass Tips if You Haven’t Yet Figured Out That You Can Just Play Anything

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The bass guitar can be astonishingly difficult and rewarding if you want to learn how to play it correctly, but why would you want to do that? Sure, you can take the time to develop an actual skill with the instrument after years of lessons from an accomplished instructor, but to what end? Seriously, just pick it up, join a band, and play anything. We guarantee you’ll get away with it. Still determined to master it? Fine, whatever. Here are five tips to help you do that, weirdo.

  1. Pay attention to your right hand’s positioning.

If your right hand is placed over the bridge, the notes will have a tighter sound to them, whereas if it’s closer to the fretboard, they’ll be richer and fuller but a little less precise. Knowing the right times to position your hand will give your songs much more texture if, like, Victor Wooten is listening, but nobody else will give a shit. Go ahead and store this information in your brain, but honestly, just hit any note while your bandmates do their thing. We promise you they won’t notice either way.

  1. Learn basic fingerstyle technique.

Ugh, please don’t tell us you’re going to do this, dude. Just use a fucking pick. Really? You want to learn fingerstyle? Alright, well, plant your thumb on the pickup and alternate plucking the strings with your index and middle fingers. To be perfectly candid, though, you’re wasting our time as much as your own by having us teach you this, and we’re starting to get a little aggravated.

  1. Tap your foot along to the drums as you play.

Yeah, go ahead and do this if you want to learn to stay in time and ensure your band has a dynamic and cohesive rhythm section, or you can do it if you want to just make it look like that’s your endgame. We advocate for the latter. Remember, appearance is everything here, because, and we can’t stress this enough, it does NOT matter what you play.

  1. Learn music theory.

No, no, no, no. Alright, do us a favor. During the first song of your band’s next practice, we want you to just mime like you’re playing your bass. Don’t play a single note. We’ll bet every dollar in our bank accounts that they won’t notice a goddamn thing. Knowing this, you’re still going to tell us that you want to read a bunch of sheet music? Fucking nerd.

  1. Develop your signature sound.

We actually laughed out loud while typing that. Sure, waste your money on a good effects pedal with a compressor, equalizer, and overdrive, or don’t, and achieve effectively the same results, only then you can buy yourself a Switch 2 or something. We’re just making recommendations, though. It’s your money.

Continuity Errors Ruining Porn Scene for Letterboxd User

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOSTON — Undergraduate film student and frequent Letterboxd user Barry Cospin had his afternoon ruined after noticing a slew of continuity errors in an otherwise perfectly good porn film he was watching, confirmed sources.

“It’s just amateurish,” said Cospin while giving a handful of two-star reviews on Letterboxd. “You of course allow for some suspension of disbelief given the genre but the mistakes here are unforgivable. The time on the clock in the headmaster’s office jumps all over the place. In one shot Elaine Knockers is wearing stockings and in the next they’re gone. It totally breaks the immersion. Stellar performances by Ms. Knockers and the ever-reliable Tom Schlong are let down by the production team.”

Members of the production hit back at Cospin’s comments, calling them overly critical and damaging to smut cinema.

“People don’t appreciate the work that goes into making a film. ‘Bad, Bad Girl’ had been in production hell for years before we took it on, because we believed in what it was trying to say,” said director Sly V. Oyeur. “We put our blood, sweat, tears, and several other bodily fluids into this work. Any schmuck can write a bad review but believe you me they wouldn’t last a day in my shoes. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. No really. It isn’t easy on set, especially with the writers’ strike going on for as long as the industry has existed.”

Representatives of the Porn Writers Guild of America noted that this is what happens when you don’t compensate workers properly.

“It’s all fun and games when clothes are a-flying and desks are a-thumping but the reality is you can’t cut corners in this business and expect to get away with it,” said industry veteran Polly Whirl. “Fans are smart, and the eagle-eyed ones will catch the tiniest inconsistencies. That’s why you need top quality continuity directors on set and experienced editors behind the scenes. Otherwise you wind up with garbage like this. The horndog public deserves better.”

At press time, Cospin submitted his Letterboxd review and moved on to OnlyFans in search of more independent filmmaking.

How to Speedrun Your Panic Attack With Cold Brew and Old Weed

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Alright, my panicked pals, LOCK IN because it’s time to learn a panic attack hack that your therapist and psychiatrist don’t want you to know. Do they have valid reasons because it’s probably bad for your mental health in the long run and also medically inadvisable? Sure, but we’re not living in some utopia where we can actually get our prescriptions filled in a timely manner and breathing techniques actually work because the worst thing about our day is some light traffic. We live in a world of death and destruction, and that sometimes calls for the Send It option. I’m going to teach you how to speedrun your panic attack using cold brew and old weed so you can get it over and done with in time for Love Island.

Listen, we’d all love it if there were some quick hack for actually stopping a panic attack other than a big ass Xanax, but whether CVS rudely told you it’s too soon to refill your prescription or you’re off it because you were way too on it, chamomile and breathwork aren’t cutting it. Sometimes the best bet is to just go max anxiety to get it over with faster.

You’re going to want the most concentrated cold brew you can find with no ice and no sugar. The goal is not enjoyability; it’s to make yourself have so much anxiety you circle back around to not caring. Next, you’re going to find some old weed you forgot was in the back of your nightstand. No, don’t use the fresh shit you just picked up. That’s for your ‘me time’ later. Right now, we’re trying to knock on the door of mild psychosis. Chug the cold brew, light up the old weed, and pull up “Clown Quartet” on YouTube for good measure. Sure, you increase your risk of a heart attack, but technically that would also bring relief.

You’ve got this. You’ll be so anxious you transcend space and time and enter The Blissful Unknowing in no time.

Best of luck, and please do not blame me if you end up in the hospital.

Metallica Finally Track Down and Sue the Bootlegger Who Sold Beavis His Shirt

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica proudly announced that they have finally tracked down and sued the bootlegger who sold Beavis from “Beavis and Butt-Head” his signature blue shirt, disgusted sources report.

“It took over three decades, but we finally found the bastard,” said drummer Lars Ulrich. “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was for me after all those years of seeing Beavis wearing a shirt I knew he did not obtain through legitimate means. Trust me, I sign off on every single t-shirt, jigsaw puzzle, pinball machine, and bottle of whiskey with the Metallica name on it, and we’ve never sold that item that Beavis has been wearing so brazenly while watching music videos from his couch. Rest easy that this selfish bootlegger who took money out of my pocket back in 1992 won’t be able to harm any more musicians.”

Highland, Texas resident bootlegger Harold Butler was distraught over the lawsuit.

“How am I going to make a living now?” Butler despaired as he read the cease and desist letter. “I’ve been selling bootleg Metallica, AC/DC, and Winger shirts since the early ‘90s, and the Metallica ones have composed 80% of my business. Nobody’s even purchased a Winger shirt in decades. I really should’ve known better than to think I could get away with selling fake Metallica shirts, but I thought living in an animated universe would keep me safe from those guys. They’ll sue anything that moves, though, so I suppose I got what I deserved.”

Sandra Ng, professor of law at University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.

“Most bands wouldn’t stoop so low as to sue a cartoon character, but come on, we’re talking about Metallica here,” Ng noted. “One only needs to listen to any of the albums they’ve put out in the past 30 years to understand that they have absolutely no shame. Honestly, I’m surprised Beavis continued to wear that shirt after the band released ‘Load,’ but then again, he doesn’t appear to listen to much music outside of the videos he watches with Butt-Head. Anyway, they’re so litigious that anyone who rips them off is at risk of legal action, regardless of whether they inhabit a fictional universe, so be warned.”

At press time, Metallica’s legal team had garnished all of Beavis’ Burger World wages until he stopped wearing the shirt.

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