Quitting Drinking for Attention Leads Man to Relapse for Attention

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

SANTA FE, N.M. — Local man Jacob Wilmer recently gave up drinking for attention, only to relapse for even more attention, confirmed sources.

“I’m often prone to little japes when I’m not getting the attention I feel I deserve,” said Wilmer. “Like when I bought a senior dog so I could have brownie points for adopting it and then sympathy while I watched it die. Or my ambiguous illness that no one can figure out and the doctors don’t think is there. The one that makes me incredibly sick when my friends get married. I’m a japer. It’s what I do. This is just another classic Jacob jape. And let’s face it, straight-edge people are already super annoying about it, so getting on the wagon was a natural idea. Falling off again was just a perk.”

Still, not everyone has been so enthused about this latest ploy for attention. 

“Quitting drinking is one of the best decisions you can make for your health,” said wife Nadia Wilmer. “So when Jay told me that’s what he was doing for his resolution this year, I was thrilled. Then I realized he was only saying it so all our friends could hear. Cut to five months later and nobody’s asking him why he only orders zero-proof IPAs and suddenly he becomes Mr. ‘I’m Gonna Down Three Mai Tai’s And Get Behind the Wheel of My Car.’ I suppose we’re just lucky that family settled out of court.” 

Concerned friends and family gathered for an intervention at the Wilmer family home only to discover this too had been a booby-trap for their sympathy. 

“Jacob was deeply disruptive and disrespectful all the way through his intervention,” said long-time friend Adrian Gomez. “Blurting out obscenities whenever he got the chance and accusing us all of being hypocrites and enablers. But you could also tell he wanted us to drag out the letter reading as long as possible. It was fun for him. And honestly, I kind of enjoyed it too.”

At press time, Jacob Wilmer was reportedly attending his first AA meeting in the hopes that he could become one of those guys in the program that constantly says shit like, “It works if you work it” and “Meeting Makers Make It.”

We Sit Down With the Original Lookmaxxer, Mickey Rourke!

Posted on by Ian Steffé

Braden Eric Peters, aka “Clavicular,” has been the figurehead of a movement of young men altering their looks in unconventional, sometimes violent ways to achieve masculinity of their own design. To understand this controversial practice, we sat down with a man who seemed to invent the concept of being in direct combat with his own face: Mickey Rourke.

THT: Thanks for taking the time to talk LookMaxxing with us Mr. Rourke. So, what’s your morning routine look like? 

ROURKE: I wake up with a full 8 hours after being punched to sleep.  When my eyes open, I wait for my body to agree it still belongs to me, checking what still works and what has already started to go. Sheila, the waitress, she holds my head in her lap. Says she wants me to take her away from all this. I don’t answer. I just listen until the moment passes.

What does a typical day of eating look like for you?

I do what’s called “The Original Mediterranean Diet.” I eat steaks after they’ve been on my eye to reduce the swelling. I then chase that down with a few eggs out of a coffee mug I also use as an ashtray.

These are only sources of fuel. It is to maintain my body as an instrument that smokes cigarettes and writes poetry about Marvin Hagler. 

What’s your biggest beauty or grooming tip?

Fuck, there’s blood on my shirt.

How much does confidence matter compared to physical appearance?

I only care what dogs think. Big, small, doesn’t matter. A dog doesn’t perform for you, doesn’t dress up the truth. There is a purity to them. You can shake hands with one, sure. But push it far enough, leave it hungry long enough, and it stops being polite, if you know what I mean.

I have never lost a fight to a dog, you hear me? But we always walked away the closest of friends.

Do you have any advice for the younger people who want to begin their own journey of physical transformation?

Yes sir, a dog knows exactly what he is. You can make fun of the dog’s movies. You can steal a dog’s beautiful turquoise belt. You can break his nose. Pee on him a little, but in a rude way (not the kind he pays for). Leave him unconscious out in the rain.

I’m saying I’m the dog here. I hope you caught that.

Even Harsher Feedback Coming From Noise Artist’s Dad

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Even harsher feedback was reportedly coming Monday from a local noise artist’s dad, whose sustained barrage of personal insults and practical life advice could be heard throughout an otherwise overwhelmingly abrasive experimental music set, confused audience members confirmed.

“There was already all this feedback and scraping metal and what sounded like someone dragging a microwave down a staircase,” said audience member Colin Mercer. “Then there was the shouting coming from the back of the venue, adding this whole new layer of sonic texture from the artist’s father calling his son a talentless burnout fucking around with garbage instead of getting a real job. I thought the set had already peaked, but then the dad started saying that his brother’s plumbing company was still hiring and that nobody in the family understood why his son insisted on living like this at 38. It was brutal. I can’t wait for the next show.”

The veteran noise artist, Trevor Hale, was remarkably upbeat about the performance after the conclusion of his set.

“You know, I felt an unusually engaged energy from the crowd tonight, especially during the sections where I was exploring collapse, repetition, and the violence of sustained psychic abrasion through contact microphones and amplified sheet metal,” said Hale, unaware the audience heard every word his father said. “Audiences rarely remain that intensely silent and emotionally pinned down for such long stretches. You could tell everybody in the room was really absorbing the emotional architecture of the entire performance.”

Experimental music critic Dana Vescovi explained that the confrontation aligned naturally with the genre’s core artistic goals.

“Noise music is frequently intended to evoke discomfort, alienation, and prolonged emotional strain, but most performers can only simulate those sensations through distortion, volume, or repetition,” said Vescovi. “When Hale’s father calmly spent 40 straight minutes outlining all the normal, achievable life paths his son had deliberately avoided, the audience experienced an unusually pure form of psychic devastation that many contemporary noise acts spend years unsuccessfully attempting to produce.”

At press time, fans were reportedly excited to see if his father had any solo stuff they could check out.

‘I Need To Have Kids to Leave a Legacy,’ Says Man Whose Legacy Will Be DUIs

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Local Payroll Specialist and office pest Derek Norton decided to prioritize having children as a means of carrying on his supposed “family legacy,” despite his true legacy still being his three DUIs, confirmed sources who witnessed the man come to this conclusion following a near death experience at an adults-only trampoline park last Friday evening. 

“I’m good breeding stock,” Norton incorrectly self-reported. “I have to have children to pass on my genes, which have an enormous tolerance for alcohol; my fine motor skills, which are fine enough to nearly dodge a school bus; and my pain tolerance, which can’t feel a nail even after it’s dug all the way through the meat of my foot. I mean let’s face it: without children and not counting the dent to the side of the Papa John’s, what does a man really leave behind?”

Still, the quest for love has not been an easy one for Norton, with potential partners seeming less than thrilled by his offer to “get inseminated on.” 

“There’s a tradition in Ohio to publicly shame the wine-os by making them get special license plates,” said Dana Haywood, who went on two Tinder dates with Norton a while back. “When Derek showed up to our first date with that license, I knew it was gonna be rough. But for several months now, he’s been trying to tell me differently. Well, good for him for trying, I guess.”

Even Norton’s family seems less than optimistic about his chances at reproduction. 

“Derek is a wonderful boy,” said his mother, Marilyn Norton. “He was on the football team in high school. And he survived crashing into the quarry. So he’s really our miracle baby. But in a realer, greater sense, he’s also a layabout and a stain on the family name. Let’s face it, kids are a blessing from the Lord above. And Derek, let’s face it, is not a very blessed man. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, God hates him.”

At press time, Derek Norton was attempting to pay the 19-year-old waitress at TGI Friday’s to blow into the breathalyzer tube that starts his car. More on this story as it develops.

Opinion: Legally, You Have To Tell Me if You’re a Member of the Blue Man Group if I Ask

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey man, I’ve noticed some things about you since you moved to Vegas. For one, you’ve completely shaved your head, and I’m not buying your bullshit about “male pattern baldness”, either. Your hair was like a goddamned lion’s mane the last time I saw you, and that fivehead isn’t going to suddenly show itself over the course of a couple months. Another thing, I saw your Honda Civic pull into the Luxor parking garage last Wednesday, and it just so happened that the Blue Man Group was performing there that night. So be straight: are you one of them? Legally, you have to tell me.

So go on, out with it. Have you, in fact, joined the famed performance art company that’s taken the world by storm for more than three decades? I flat-out asked you to your face, so it’s technically against the law for you to lie. I went to high school with a girl whose cousin was a member of the Blue Man Group, and when she asked him, he lied to her, and he ended up going to prison. I know this because she told me. Well, she didn’t, necessarily, but a guy who used to live next door to her did. Do you want to go to prison? We’re friends, but I’ll call the cops on you if I have to. 

Look, this situation can get ugly really fast. I know the rules, and I even thought about applying to law school before I learned that I likely wouldn’t get in without a high school diploma. Regardless, I’ve learned the ins and outs of our country’s justice system after several run-ins with my local police department. We don’t need to get into the details, but suffice it to say I thought that construction zone’s copper wire was free for the taking. So, what’s it going to be? Are you an anonymous, blue paint-slathered performance artist or not? I’m going to find out either way, so you might as well adhere to the legislation that governs our society and fess up to it.

I’ve made my case, and because we’re friends, I’m going to give you a few minutes to dwell on it. You’d better think carefully, and in the meantime, I’m starting to suspect that guy over there is in Cirque du Soleil, and he’d better be forthright with me if I approach him about it.

Chillinoutmaxxing Still Popular Among Willennials

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

PHILADELPHIA — Chillinoutmaxxing reportedly remains the defining trend among Willennials, with analysts noting an ever-increasing interest in the cultural attitudes and personal philosophies associated with the turn of the Willennium.

“I’ve been taking chillinoutmaxxing way more seriously lately,” said 39-year-old Marcus Denton while slowly spinning a basketball on one finger. “I try to keep it simple and spend most of my days at the playground, shooting the occasional game of B-ball. In this neighborhood, it’s all cool, you just sit back, relax, and avoid major confrontations, except maybe one little fight. But even though that got some people scared, including my mom, it’s not like I’m not gonna flip, turn upside-down my life, leave and move in with some random relatives in California because of a couple of no-good guys. I mean, that kinda thing isn’t typical, if anything I could say that it was rare.”

Cultural analyst Dana Mercer noted that while chillinoutmaxxing has long remained popular among Willennials, he has seen a noticeable uptick in adherence to its principles recently.

“Willennials are increasingly returning to many of the cultural practices associated with the late-90s and early-2000s era,” said Mercer. “It is very common for many practitioners to kick back, particularly in the summertime when the weather is high, waiting for somebody to ring-ding-dong-ding-diggity you at the cookout. You’ll often see them biting cigars without lighting them, boating offshore in 500-degree weather, and just generally going wicki-wicki-wild. Many Willennials have even embraced more recent but related activities like highly public personal humiliations and desperate attempts to convince everyone they’re still having fun no matter how sad and uncomfortable things have become.”

Will Smith, whom many consider the original chillinoutmaxxer, says he’s excited so many Willennials continue to embrace chillinoutmaxxing.

“It’s so great to see so many people who were alive during, uh, uh, and can remember, haha-haha, the turn of the Willennium continue to embrace chillinoutmaxxing,” said Smith. “You know, chillinoutmaxxing was never just about relaxing all cool, it’s honestly a whole willifestyle. And as long as you’re willilling to put in the willork, it’s never too willate to willive the willife you willant, you know, and seeing every Willennial willith that willenergy makes willeverything willorth-willhile.”

At press time, several Willennials were reportedly debating whether or not Will Smith had recently suffered a series of strokes.

Jackass Now the Strongest American Institution

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — As confidence in America fades globally and domestically, polls find that Jackass is now the only American institution people trust.

“The American Dream is dead,” declared Rick Dale, a DC pollster with no light in his eyes. “Pointless wars, reflecting pools, AIPAC-owned politicians, and a dominant billionaire class have left Americans struggling to hold on to their love of their country and culture. The only institution still standing uncorrupted and true is Jackass. Trust in government, healthcare, media, and law enforcement has all cratered, but seeing Johnny Knoxville get flipped over by a bull and knocked the fuck out? That still has 100% of Americans standing up and saluting.”

Jackass: Best and Last is in theaters now,  and Johnny Knocksville has confirmed there will be no further sequels. It’s been a good run, America. 

Eagle Scout Finally Putting Knot Tying Skills To Use as Shibari Instructor

Posted on by Stephen Bell

DES MOINES, Iowa — Highly decorated Eagle Scout Jeff Bronson was excited to finally put his knot tying skills to use as a shibari instructor, according to several sources familiar with the proud 23-year-old. 

“Whether it was being a surgeon, a sailor, or a cattle rancher, I always knew I wanted to use the knot tying skills the Boy Scouts of America taught me for some greater purpose,” said Bronson, currently heaving a tightly bound customer into the air. “Little did I know I’d find my calling as a shibari instructor in Iowa. It turns out that tightly winding rope around people’s genitals, fixing them into erotic positions, and using the cords to help people unlock a level of intimacy and spirituality never before experienced is my true calling. And it wouldn’t have been possible without my scout leaders!”

Customers of Bronson’s shibari instruction school were equally impressed by his ability to incorporate other scout skills into the activity. 

“Me and my boyfriend wanted to incorporate candle wax play into our session,” said newbie shibari enthusiast Meghan Burns. “Unfortunately we didn’t have a lighter or matches for the candles. But Jeff was able to show us how to build a fire with just two sticks and a lot of friction. His leather working badge also came in handy as we developed new bondage outfits for ourselves. The Boy Scouts really helped turn him into a one man kink machine!”

Not everyone was impressed by Bronson’s turn towards shibari instructor, including his former scout leader Guy Demars. 

“This is not exactly what I intended for Jeff when I taught him those knots,” said a frustrated Demars tightly clutching his Bible. “Maybe it was all the talk of whippings and the way Jesus was bound during his crucifixion that subconsciously affected him. But that wasn’t kinky, that was for the sins of humanity! I guess this was bound to happen after we let women and gays become Boy Scouts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to another settlement hearing about sexual abuse by scout leaders.” 

In related news, Bronson’s girlfriend Erika Cade has been putting her Girl Scout art merit badge to work as she has become one of the most popular Rule 34 artists on DeviantArt.

Ugh, Just Skip Him: This Make-A-Wish Kid Requested To Be a Cop for a Day

Posted on by Tim Sheard

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has been giving special boys and girls a chance to live their dreams for well over four decades at this point, and has granted requests from meeting John Cena to visiting Disney World during that time. These kids have shown extraordinary bravery facing monsters most of us can’t even begin to fathom, and the organization has delighted in helping them forget their troubles, even if it’s only for a day. Nearly every one of their clients deserves the opportunity to experience some happiness while fighting their mighty battles, and we salute these tiny warriors and wish them all the best.

We say “nearly”, however, because of one exception. Meet 9-year-old Blake Hoffman of Winthrop Harbor, Illinois. This kid, who we once thought of as a cool, tough little dude, is currently fighting osteosarcoma, which is a type of bone cancer. Brett really enjoys playing baseball and Fortnite, and we considered him to be pretty cool until the Make-A-Wish Foundation contacted his family and discovered that he wanted to be a cop for a day.

Ugh, really? Is there a way they can just, like, skip him or something?

Seriously, what the hell is this little twerp’s problem? Doesn’t he pay any attention to the news? Cops are the bad guys; end of story. What kind of fucking psychopath sees riding around in a squad car harassing and assaulting minorities as a fun recreational activity? Also, does he think we don’t have enough policing in this goddamn country, and his local squad could use an extra hand? Save yourself the effort, Blake, and just schedule an extra chemotherapy session instead. 

While we’re at it, will the world really be better off if Blake fights his little heart out and beats this awful disease? We’re not saying we’re hoping for the alternative, but unless he profoundly changes trajectory, he’s just going to grow into another limpdick bully with a badge. We have far too many of those motherfuckers in this country as it is. Seriously, we hope Blake pulls through, but if he doesn’t, we just won’t be crying as hard as we did when that kid who wanted to meet Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed. 

In conclusion, while we fully support the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s mission, we think there should be some exceptions. Maybe if they skipped Blake, that would give him some time to ruminate on the life decisions that led him to this point. It’s not called the Make-A-Bootlicker’s-Wish Foundation for a reason.

Tall Guy at Local Show Pretty Sure Female Bass Player in Love With Him After Two Instances of Accidental Eye Contact

Posted on by Max Astle

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local 6’4” man Kyle Beebe is reportedly convinced that the bass player for touring band Skab Kickers is deeply in love with him after the two locked eyes a few times during a recent show, confirmed sources.

“Yeah, it just really felt like we were vibing, ya know? I always love seeing women playing music in the scene. I support women fully, so whenever there’s one playing at a local show I typically like to really lock in and stare at them for their whole set to show my support,” said Beebe after Skab Kickers finished their last song. “The first time we made eye contact probably didn’t mean anything. Just a stolen moment. But that second time we locked eyes, time really stopped for me. We were practically banging. Just really feeding off of each others’ positive energy.”

One of Beebe’s friends also in attendance called into question the magic of this moment.

“Things got pretty uncomfortable when Kyle leaned over to me and loudly said, ‘this bassist wants to do me nasty-style’ right when the band’s fourth song abruptly ended and everyone was really quiet. I think it dissuaded people from applauding,” reported the very short Mike Bledsoe. “I don’t think the bassist was actually reciprocating any interest at all, but I can’t claim to understand the power of eye contact. I typically only go up to other peoples’ torsos, so eye-to-belly-button or eye-to-nipple contact is the best I can do.”
Emma Wiltern, the bass player in question, confirmed that feelings were indeed not mutual.

“I guess we did lock eyes for like one total second? His head was kind of just levitating above everyone else’s so it was impossible to miss. I don’t know, I didn’t think anything of it until he blurted out the thing about doing it nasty-style,” said Wiltern. “I didn’t realize how tall he really was until he came up to me after the show to let me know that the one song I sang lead on reminded him of ‘this band called Paramore.’”

Later that night, Beebe was seen at a local grocery store making out with a box of Frosted Flakes on the top shelf after he believed Tony the Tiger was giving him “fuck me” eyes.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.