The holidays are upon us, and we’ve been getting cozy with some of our favorite classic films to get into the spirit. While stumbling across the world-renowned ‘Jack Frost’ we were delightfully reminded that Henry Rollins has an outstanding cameo as Charlie’s hockey coach, Sid. Given his knock-out Oscar worthy performance, it got us thinking: Why didn’t Rollins ride this wave further to the motherfucking bank? There are countless movies that could have been elevated by a simple one-liner from him. Here are twenty that come to mind immediately.
“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”
The Griswold’s neighbors Todd and Margo are easily the worst characters to ever be written into a scripted film. Can you imagine if Todd was played by Henry Rollins though? They’d probably make at least four spin-off movies and a Disney+ series out of it. Also, if Clark said to Henry even half the shit he says to the original Todd, you bet your ass he’d take the bottom of a mic stand to his fucking teeth. As we all know, any scene in which Chevy Chase suffers serious physical harm is the best scene of all time.
“It’s a Wonderful Life”
“It’s a Wonderful Life” is an undisputed classic in its own right, but let’s be honest, after being played marathon-style every Holiday season it’s starting to lose its edge. Through modern technology, producers could easily craft a scene in which Rollins appears as an angel and delivers an impassioned twenty-minute monologue to George Bailey regarding his need to burn down the Bailey Bank and Loan, making the film finally enjoyable for audiences new and old.
“Die Hard”
We’re gonna go out on a limb here and be the first to designate “Die Hard” as a Christmas movie. Now that that’s out of the way, we’re not just going to say that it should have had Rollins as a cameo. He should have been a fully-fledged co-lead. Everyone can agree that Bruce Willis really needed a friend in this one, and who wouldn’t want to see Henry Rollins beat the ever-living fuck out of Alan Rickman?
“Love, Actually”
Everything about this movie is so saccharine that watching it has been linked to several cases of adult-onset diabetes. A brief scene with a hardcore punk legend could have helped to roughen up the edges and who wouldn’t want to see Henry Rollins beat the ever-living fuck out of Alan Rickman?
“The Santa Clause”
Tim Allen’s breakout Christmas hit, “The Santa Clause” is certainly not without its charms. Still, we can’t help but think that Rollins would have made a great elf. Maybe toward the end of the movie he would have gifted audiences with an unhinged performance of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” that resulted in a mosh pit so rowdy it destroyed Santa’s Workshop. That would have been a way better setup to whatever bullshit the sequel was.
“Four Christmases”
Through a comedy of errors, Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon find themselves having to visit their respective parents separately during what should have been a vacation getaway to Fiji. Vaughn’s character obviously tries to get out of it whenever it is humanly possible. A simple solution was staring him in the face the entire movie: Just hire a ringer. Henry Rollins is just passable enough as a Vaughn stand-in that it could have worked wonders. Not only that, we’d get to finally hear Rollins’ oft overlooked voice-acting skills.
“Bad Santa”
Picture this: Billy Bob Thornton’s character is drinking himself to death in a bar, when Henry Rollins shows up to lecture him about how he’s poisoning his body. While it doesn’t end well, Rollins – having been charmed by Thornton’s “take no shit” attitude – shows up at the end to beat the shit out of all the cops during the penultimate scene. Isn’t that markedly cooler than the original?
“The Nightmare Before Christmas”
Why should goths have all the fun with this one? We thought Christmas was about bringing people together. Rollins wouldn’t even need a speaking role to bring much needed unity to the deeply fractured state of punk and goth relations. That’s the true meaning of Christmas.
“The Muppets Christmas Carol”
While The Muppets franchise may have created the single greatest adaptation of A Christmas Carol ever put to film, it is severely lacking in a puppet version of Henry Rollins. Close your eyes and picture some beefed up Muppet Rollins popping into a scene and tell us the movie wouldn’t have won Best Picture at the Oscars.
“Scrooged”
A modernized retelling of the Dickens classic “A Christmas Carol,” “Scrooged” took a lot of liberties with the original material. Rollins could have made a quick appearance as The Ghost of Christmas Future’s Assistant who briefly shows Bill Murray’s character what could happen if he doesn’t start going to the gym more.
Obviously dead last. Krampus is the guy who does Santa’s dirty work and he’s never given a gift in his centuries-long life unless you count a birch rod to the face. Krampus isn’t someone you want to see on your best day, let alone fresh off the heels of a drunk driving rampage that caused $96,000 in property damages and 14 injuries that made the news in 3 states.
This lusty, giant-headed goat-skinned Italian creature is not to be confused with Krampus, but will also be of little help to you. As the tradition goes, villagers lull the Badalisc into a trap with a young maiden, and then he spills the whole town’s secrets in the form of a rhyming poem. Well, good luck rhyming “Destroyed a Starbucks” with “Narrowly avoided running over an elderly woman despite his best efforts” you goat-snitch bastard!
Santa at his most pious and non-secular is unlikely to be any help to you. He is the patron saint of, among other things, children, sailors, and archers, each of whom you injured in your drunken joyride. He is also the patron saint of repentant thieves, so maybe if you can convince him that you’re sorry you robbed that archer of his right arm, who knows? Seriously though what the hell was that archer doing in the middle of the road that night?
No! What are you an idiot? How is an idea going to give you a PS5? We’re trying to play Spider-Man 2, not wax poetic over gushy holiday sentiment. Don’t waste our time.
The name is French for “Father Christmas,” though he also goes by “Papa Noel” or, “Daddy Christmas” if you nasty. As a Frenchman he has a pretty lax attitude toward drinking and finds our American drunk driving laws to be oppressive, so he’s with you. Unfortunately, he only leaves gifts in shoes that are left by the fire filled with carrots for his mule, so unless your shoe is big enough to fit a sick-ass PS5, your chances are slim.
He’s exactly like Père Noël, but Cajun style! That is to say, he delivers gifts out der oun da Bayou in a boat that is drawn by a team of 8 alligators. In other words, there is no way that dude is sober, and he doesn’t give a damn about your DUI. He doesn’t have the same shoe-sized gift restrictions as his namesake, but unfortunately, anyone traveling by gator boat is likely behind the times. We hear he’s still giving out N64s.
He does not forgive you for drinking too much alcohol and getting behind the wheel that night. He just doesn’t understand why you had to get all liquored up when you could have enjoyed the rich taste of an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Whether it’s classic, cherry, or any of their caffeine and calorie-free varietals, nothing pairs better with the moments of our lives worth celebrating than a Coca-Cola. (bottle pop sound, glug glug noise) Aaaahhh.
Upwards of 90% of robotic Santas go berserk and try to kill you. It probably won’t have anything to do with the fact that you were going 75mph the wrong way in a school zone per se, but unless that roboSanta has a PS5 in its chest (which would be dope!) your chances are slim.
Father Christmas and Santa Claus have become sort of synonymous in recent centuries, but back in the day, Father Christmas was the personification of Christmas itself. He’s an elemental avatar, like Swamp Thing, only with Christmas instead of plants. Unfortunately, he has no connection to gift-giving of any kind. He’s all about feasting and merry-making, which of course means drinking. He certainly won’t judge you, but when it comes to playing Spider-Man 2 you’re shit out of luck here.
The Dutch O.G. who puts the Saint Nick in Santa, Sinterklaas is no stranger to mistakes. The whole “Black Pete” thing went on way too long. Unfortunately, the forgiveness of your DUI notwithstanding, he can’t give you a PS5 because in the Netherlands Christmas already happened on December 6th! If only you had been busted for the drunk driving you did weeks ago, you might have started asking sooner!
Ugh, goddammit, the Hungarian Santa is another useless shoe guy who pretty much just leaves candy and finishes his rounds by December 6th. Curse you, bishop of Myra!
He also had his licence taken away and also doesn’t have a PS5 but thinks having one would be rad. Basically, he’s exactly like you only smellier and dressed like Santa. And just all-around worse.
The Santa of Texas is the latest incarnation of the jolly old gift giver. We’ll say your odds are 50/50 with Cowboy Kringle. It’s all about how you frame it. Instead of saying “I was recklessly driving under the influence and I hurt a lot of people,” try saying “I got my license cancelled by the woke-mob.”
The “Daddy Christmas” of Brazil is pretty much exactly like the American Santa, only he gives gifts through windows instead of chimneys because there aren’t a ton of chimneys in Brazil. He’s also notably sympathetic, so we’ll put him a notch above Santa Prime, but honestly, it’s hard to sympathize with someone who kept shouting “Points!” every time they drunkenly ran over something.
Yup, just your traditional old-school Santa. He’s sort of an amalgamation of every Santa on this list, so, lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what have yous’. As the most Hallmarky interpretation of old Saint Nick, he is capable of forgiving your vehicular rampage and getting you that PS5, but you’ll have to work for it. We’re talking super grand gesture here, like adopting some of those kids you displaced when you crashed into that orphanage. Honestly, maybe not worth the effort.
