James Kineen, Author at HARDTIMES

Trump Campaign Confirms He Was Hit By Four Shots But His Love For America Acted As Bullet Proof Vest

Posted on July 15, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

BUTLER, Penn. — Trump campaign officials confirmed that the attempted assassination of the former President this past weekend resulted in a minor injury to his ear and light bruising to his chest due to four additional bullets which were deflected back at the shooter by Trump’s undying love for his country, multiple MAGA sources confirmed.

“President Trump is in high spirits today and ready to get back on the campaign trail. Some people are calling him lucky for surviving the shooting, but we’ve known for years that he can’t be killed by conventional weapons,” said campaign adviser Louis Gimble. “His unmatched love for America is like a forcefield that protects him anywhere he goes. It’s why he’s perfectly healthy at his age while only eating American-made fast food. Some people might doubt this claim and say ‘Well then why was his ear injured?’ And the answer is simple, his ears are vulnerable because that allows God, Jesus, and the Founding Fathers to talk with him directly.”

Butler resident Scott Winston was in attendance at the rally when shots rang out.

“I was never scared, not for one second. I heard gunfire and the sun seemed to dim just a little bit as bullets ricocheted off Mr. Trump. Some people think he dove to the ground to avoid more bullets, but it was actually because an American flag had fallen off his podium and he was jumping on top of it to protect Old Glory from bullets,” said Winston while wearing a MAGA hat and a shirt that said “Set Joe Biden on Fire in Front of His Family.” “Unfortunately the crowd wasn’t so lucky, one man was killed and two more were critically injured, but if President Trump is reelected he will be powerful enough that his love will protect all his supporters when someone enacts their Second Amendment right in public.”

Right-wing musician Kid Rock was quick to offer his support to the former president in this trying time.

“Listen up you Anitfa fuck faces, if you mess with Trump anymore I’m going to come to your house and dip my balls on your old lady’s forehead, then I’m going to take a dump in your kitchen sink, you hear me?” said Kid Rock. “The only way to stop another assassination attempt is to make sure everyone at those events is armed and vigilant. Come to my place and grab a gun, let’s ride Cowboys.”

At press time, Trump officials were trying to convince Bon Jovi to change the lyrics from “Shot Through the Heart” to “Shot through the ear, Biden is to blame, Trump brand steaks are the best in the game.”

Metalhead Discovers How Much Vomit New Slayer Igloo Cooler Can Hold After First Use

Posted on July 15, 2024 by Chris Bowen

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Slayer superfan Dwayne Imico inadvertently discovered how much of his own puke his new Slayer Igloo cooler could successfully hold recently after binging on the 30 beers he kept inside of it, several greasy sources report.

“First thing I did with my new Slayer Igloo cooler I got as a gift for finishing my community service was load up with a 30-rack of Modelos, and headed down to the river to crush them while blasting my favorite tunes on my car stereo,” Imico explained. “Tell you what, this puppy sure can hold some barf! My old Metallica cooler could only hold about a gallon of puke, and this thing at least doubles that! I didn’t have to empty it out into the river where a bunch of kids were trying to swim. Everyone wins here!”

Slayer frontman Tom Araya is elated by the opportunity to cash in on his band’s name once again.

“I always figured that saying we’re calling it quits, then reforming whenever we get offered ungodly amounts of money to play a festival here-and-there wasn’t going to be enough,” Araya stated. “We were going to have to branch out with merchandising. And we thought, ‘Slayer fans love to drink, they barf all the fucking time, and they hate the embarrassment of vomiting on their own boots.’ So a Slayer Igloo cooler was the perfect way to take on all those things! This was a way better idea than the Slayer Easy Bake Oven idea.”

According to one representative of the Igloo company, the road to releasing the Slayer cooler wasn’t without its share of obstacles.

“When about two-thirds of our research and development team quit within the first day of vomit-testing, we knew this wasn’t going to be easy,” Igloo spokesman Ridley Anderson explained. “We hired metalheads specifically for the puke testing stage, but ironically, all of them kept calling off due to massive hangovers. So, we settled for major pro-wrestling fans to take their places, and our research staff were none the wiser. It was a huge success!”

At press time, Kerry King announced he would be releasing a cooler as similar to the Slayer one as he could without it actually being the Slayer one.

Tragic: This Villain Just Launched Into A Musical Number But His Henchmen Clearly Don’t Know The Choreography

Posted on July 15, 2024 by Peyton Cabral

When you see a car accident it’s tough to look away. You know you might see something that could haunt your dreams for months to come, but you keep staring. What happened to. Rex Masterson, CEO of Toxabrand Industries, is arguably far worse than seeing the decapitated body of person just trying to ride their motorcycle to work, far worse.

Without warning, this evil titan of industry started singing and dancing, but his hired thugs clearly didn’t know what they were doing. It was tough for everyone involved, especially those who had to watch.

Masterson had just muttered the words “…but first, they need a little inspiration,” to his rival on the phone before pointing to a brass section. As the instruments started playing a bombastic tune, several henchmen who were supposed to act as his stairs failed to get in position in time, leaving Masterson having to awkwardly jump down his pedestal.

As the CEO sang, “I have a silver spoon in my mouth and a steel knife in my hand,” employee Robby Mastrobuoni casually tossed the knife in Masterson’s direction. This caused him to jump back in fear and bump into the crowd of brought-in synchronized dancers that Masterson had hired. The collision caused all of the dancers to fall like dominoes, making most of the henchmen who had been on time get even more distracted.

Determined to finish his song, Masterson lunged to press the giant red button that revealed a pool with crocodiles and sharks. Unfortunately, the henchman’s union had a designated lunch at that exact moment and foolishly set up their tables on top of the trap door. Though in an instance he lost twenty hired men, he still aimed for the grand finale upon the catwalk above.

Bellowing the chorus “I make enough green, so why do I need trees?” the CEO high stepped up the ramp, but it was pretty rusty and squeaked with each step. As the remaining goons tried to keep down vomit at the sight of their dead coworkers and put their hands above their head, the claps between his words failed to be syncopated. Most of the giant screens surrounding him showed his nefarious deeds, but one work-from-home neerdowell accidentally pulled up Zoom on the huge TV, frantically trying to turn it off.

The worst part is that Masterson can’t redo this. He sold way too many of his own stock options to be able to afford this, so he can’t exactly easily redo the performance. This was supposed to be broadcast directly to his rival’s lair, but the goons had somehow overlaid a compilation of Stephen A. Smith hot takes in the right corner.

We hope he learns his lesson and never tries this again.

M.I.T. Scientists Announce Discovery of First Zoom Meeting To Begin Without Awful Small Talk

Posted on July 15, 2024 by Tim Sheard

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.

“Observations on the weather. Awkward icebreakers. Questions about turning your camera on. We’ve seen it all,” said Dr. Klaus Buford from his basement office. “We’ve been monitoring virtual American workplaces since the pandemic began, and now we’re utilizing A.I. to assist us in identifying fumbling anecdotes at the start of any online group meeting. However, just last week, we were able to highlight a single meeting that experienced a ‘small talk vacuum,’ a blip of silence or ‘dark matter’ before anyone even spoke. We think it’s a step forward in quantum physics. Also of note was the swift end to the meeting. There was a rare finality–not a single person had a straggling question or awkwardly waved to the screen.”

Longtime Boston resident and data analyst Gus Robbards disputed the quality of the groundbreaking meeting.

“That was the worst meeting I’ve ever been to,” said Robbards over the phone while clipping coupons. “This was supposed to be a meeting for our regional office, and I came prepared. I had jokes! I had complaints about my commute. Plus there’s a new Chipotle near the main office, that’s something worth bringing up, right? Damn it, I even saw a rare bird over the weekend! I wanted to talk about how O.J. Simpson died! Sure, that was a few months ago, but still – it’s O.J.! Remember that whole thing? It would’ve gotten the social lubricant going. This is a classic tactic of mine–pick a news item, ask a stranger what they think about it, and just parachute into a one-way conversation where I hold court.”

Efficiency advocate Diana Lee-Mifsud praised the lab’s progress in workplace communication.

“I’m thrilled by the news,” admitted Lee-Mifsud from her D.C. thinktank headquarters. “Here at ‘Fighting for Time Back,’ we strive to reduce wasteful chatter on the fringes of any virtual social interaction. We encourage guests to show up early, and keep mics off unless necessary. Somehow these simple requests are repeatedly ignored. We’ve gone so far as to use ball-gags and handcuffs for ‘over-talkers’ in an attempt to quell such behavior. This year, we’re looking into voice-encryption for the hosts allowing the meeting to Start, or fines for anyone wasting a group’s time. Punishments would include loss of access to their account, banishment to the barren wasteland of Skype, or even worse: having to make actual phone calls.”

At press time, Dr. Buford was prepared to share results with the University Board, only to be delayed by small talk about everyone’s favorite seltzer brand and sandwich due to one person eating lunch on screen.

Five Jet Skis That Say, “She Left Me and Took the Kids”

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Dom Turek

Here are some fun facts you might not know about kids; they have more tastebuds than adults, they’re born ambidextrous, and their undying loyalty is to their mother regardless of your status as sole breadwinner and objectively better-looking spouse. If Annmarie wants to move forward with the divorce proceedings and file for full custody of the kids, be my guest because I’ll be cruising away from my problems on Lake Kalamazoo at a cool 42 miles per hour. Here are five kick-ass jet skis to put the “party” in your ex-parte divorce.

SeaDoo GTX Limited Edition

This ride touts durability and “ultimate family fun” as its major selling points, but who needs a family when you have all the hottest girls at the lake flashing you while you do donuts on the lake? Sometimes the best things in life are free, but sometimes they cost 12 monthly payments of $2000.

Yamaha WaveRunner FX

Playful, fun, and stylish. All the traits my wife said I lacked can be found in the WaveRunner FX. This stand-alone beauty could be yours for $20000, which is pocket change now that I’m saving loads of cash not providing food, clothing, or shelter for my loved ones.

Kawasaki Ultra

Real men know that a high-performance vehicle is the only way to supplement a low performance in the bedroom. Bright colors, loud noises, and glow-in-the-dark decals will leave your new hot young girlfriend so satisfied, that she’ll probably forget all about your laundry list of penile dysfunctions

Honda Aquatrax SLT

With a meager price point of $600, the Aquatrax isn’t exactly something to brag about, but if the judge doesn’t rule in your favor, it may be the only watercraft you can afford. Sure, it might not attract the most attention but who wants to attract materialistic, gold-digging women anyway? That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

Polaris Jet Blaster

Somehow cheaper and even more dangerous than the Honda Aquatrax, we’ve arrived at the infamous jet blaster. Liable to explode at any moment and leave you stranded in the middle of the lake missing an arm, it offers the most affordable adrenaline rush on the market. Looks aside, this no-frills jet ski gets you from point A to point B and will likely be the only asset left in your name.

Biden Assures American People He’s Still Running Despite Being Decapitated by Helicopter Blade

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — President Biden insists he’s not dropping out of the presidential race even though his head was separated from his body in a freak helicopter accident suffered while exiting Marine One, according to blood-spattered sources.

“Listen, Jack, I’m the only one who can beat Trump, so of course I’m not stepping down,” said the president’s head from within a tank of preservative fluid. “Ignore the decapitation thing for a minute and look at everything I’ve accomplished. We had historic wins in 2020 and again in 2022. Under my leadership, we beat Medicare. I formed the League of Nations. I’m the guy who can stop Project 2025: A Space Odyssey. Folks, I’m fit as a fiddle. And to prove it, I’m challenging Jesse Owens to a foot race as soon as my head’s back on my body.”

Many people who were disturbed by Biden’s recent behavior say they’ll still vote for him in November.

“I voted for Biden in 2020 because he was the nominee, and if he’s on the ballot this time, I guess I’ll have to vote for him again,” sighed registered Democrat Alice Peppard. “Do I wish we had a younger option? Yes, of course. Also, I would prefer someone in decent health with his head still attached to his body. Maybe we’ve still got a chance—but if Trump does win, my plan is to try to get a Canadian to marry me to get me out of this shithole country. Barring that, I’ll just get a red baseball cap and try to blend in with the fascists.”

There are no laws or statutes which prohibit a disembodied head from running for office according to constitutional scholar Gareth McNary.

“Nowhere in the founding documents does it state that a candidate must have their head connected to their body in order to be eligible,” said McNary. “In fact, candidates aren’t required to have a conventional body at all. In 1840 a gentleman named Rudolph Weiss vied for the Whig Party nomination. Weiss was little more than an amorphous puddle of flesh that had to be wheeled around in a cart. He didn’t win the nomination—not because of his disfigurement, but because he advocated for the abolition of slavery, something that was pretty unpalatable to most voters of the time.”

As of press time, Biden’s head had been temporarily grafted onto a Boston Dynamics robot dog, allowing the president to return to the campaign trail.

Who Cares if Artificial Intelligence Is Depleting Energy Resources When You Can AI Generate As Many Pictures of the Rainforest As You Want

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Adam Frost-Venrick

I feel like there’s just no pleasing you people sometimes. In 2021, I went out and I bought Etherium and Dogecoin because they were blowing up! And you all laughed at me. In 2022, I bought some Bored Ape NFTs. And it was the joke of the season. Now I go out and I do some absolutely fantastic work with AI technology and you all look at me like I’m Grandpa’s big wet chode.

Lately, there’s been a lot of chatter that AI is harmful to the environment. That the network required to keep AI up and running is a catastrophic power sucker. That generating one image is like leaving your phone plugged in for hours and hours. But I’m here to tell you, that’s an idiotic concern. “Oh won’t someone think of the poor trees. You’re destroying the rainforests!” I can hear the environmentalists shriek. But tough titty. With AI, I can generate as many pictures of the rainforest as I want, with happy little six-fingered monkeys and stretched-out palm trees.

And speaking of pictures, let’s talk about why some of the powers that be really don’t want folks like you and me using AI. See, I’ve always known I was destined to be a great artist. But I can’t draw, paint, sculpt, write, act, dance, make music, sing, or even sprinkle glitter without making a mess. And learning how to do these things is both costly and time-consuming. Ergo, the selfish “traditional artists” must also have a grudge against AI. Big Art wants to gatekeep AI art from you. Because they know how cool it looks. It looks really cool.

And I can already hear the shit talkers now: “AI doesn’t make realistic-looking humans. AI makes images that look like the nightmares of a meth-head in a German expressionist film.” That’s what they’ll say. Pearls before swine! The point of art is to be unrealistic. And I love this. Except for surrealist art, which is stupid and terrible and should be banned.

Look, I’ll admit it… the other tech ventures haven’t gone the way I thought they would. But that’s not because Crypto and NFTs are bad or stupid or fundamentally disastrous. No! It’s because the world is controlled by shadow bankers who didn’t want to see the little guy succeed. And that little guy was me. A guy who had his entire life savings taken away when someone screenshotted his apes.

Jerry Cantrell Reveals “Them Bones” Actually About Time He Saw Spooky Skeletons Playing Rib Cages Like Xylophones

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Matt Husser

SEATTLE — Jerry Cantrell reportedly revealed that 1992 Alice in Chains hit “Them Bones” was actually inspired by the time he saw spooky skeletons playing rib cages like xylophones as he was walking through a cemetery, sources close to Cantrell confirmed.

“Whenever I’d give interviews about this song I’d tell them it was about something deep like pondering the nature of my mortality, but really it was about the time I stumbled upon ‘Jammin’ Jimbone and his Marrow Band of Numbskulls’ playing some good ol’ fashioned bone jazz in the pale moonlight,” said Cantrell. “Of course I was frightened at first, but they invited me to play the jug because I was the only guy around with lips. The original title of the song was ‘Clickety Clack, Them Bones Are Back’ but Layne didn’t think we should kick off the album with a ragtime jam.”

Alice in Chains drummer Sean Kinney recalled that many of the band’s most famous songs were named after similar incidents.

“Jerry gets a reputation for being a tortured soul, but all the songs he wrote for the band were inspired by whimsical encounters. Fun fact: ‘Dam That River’ is about the time Jerry saw some industrious beavers wearing hard hats while clocking in for their shift at their construction site,” said Kinney, leafing through an old photo album. “And ‘Down in a Hole’ was about the time me and Layne buried Jerry in sand at the beach and a hermit crab wearing a beer can pinched his ear. Boy he got so mad that he threw that crab’s can in the ocean, but then he felt bad about it—and that’s where ‘Sea of Sorrow’ came from.”

Despite the legendary jam session, Marrow Band of Numbskulls frontman Jammin’ Jimbone recounted his disappointment the first time he heard “Them Bones.”

“I was jazzed when I found out that kid we jammed with made it big, but then I heard the song on the cemetery groundskeeper’s radio — ‘I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol’ pile of them bones.’ Really? I don’t come to your concerts and rag on your saggy bag of flesh,” said Jimbone, examining the stained liner notes of a discarded “Dirt” CD. “But what really ground my bones was when I saw their MTV Unplugged show—Kurt brought out the Meat Puppets for Nirvana’s Unplugged, but you can’t break off a little spotlight for your ol’ pal Jimbone?”

At press time, Jimbone later revealed that he and his band had also jammed with a young Rob Zombie in the ‘80s, but quickly noted that “White Zombie” was not their preferred nomenclature.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Probably Would Have Been Good Enough For Dr. Ruth’s Sex Playlist

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by and you have no new music to show for it. We don’t feel like we need to tell you how depressing that is, but here we are saving you from the brink once again. Here are six new tracks that have been hand picked by our staff to help you maintain even a shred of relevancy. You can thank us when you start feeling like yourself again.

Cursive ‘Botch Job’

Cursive’s highly anticipated follow-up to 2019’s excellent ‘Get Fixed’ ’ is set to drop in less than two months. From what we’ve heard, the new record, ‘Destructor,’ is set to continue the band’s creative renaissance. The latest single, ‘Botch Job,’ is a whirling journey through walls of dissonant guitars and anxiety inducing rhythms. It’s a white knuckle ride that culminates in a sound that is unequivocally Cursive at their peak.

Tim Heidecker ‘Well’s Running Dry’

When actor and comedian Tim Heidecker isn’t spinning up confounding surrealist satire, he’s crafting woozy, nostalgic, and vulnerable tunes. His new album, ‘Slipping Away,’ is set to release in October, and its lead single ‘Well’s Running Dry’ promises a continuation of the introspective material that has become Heidecker’s trademark since 2020’s ‘Fear of Death.’ It will still make you laugh, but in that awkward way you do when you are trying to brush off your feelings.

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard ‘Le Risque’

Mr. Gizzo and the Lizzy Wiz, as the kids like to call them, have just released their 1,843,506th single by our count. ‘Le Risque’ finds the band somehow continuing to broaden their palate, this time tapping into a sound that can only be described as a honky tonk band unknowingly dropping acid before their dive bar set. The single comes with the announcement of the band’s 26th studio album, ‘Flight B741.’ Jesus Christ.

Fake Fruit ‘Más O Menos’

Next month, Fake Fruit will release their sophomore LP, ‘Mucho Distrust.’ It follows their widely heralded 2021 self-titled debut album. Whereas that record was cut with multiple lineups across several cities, their latest marks the first with a stable and consistent lineup. While that first collection was incredible, it appears that tightening up the lineup is proving to add a refreshing intensity and cohesion to Hannah D’Amato’s already flawless writing.

Laughter ‘The Wheel’

Because neither you or any of your friends are cool, there’s a good chance you have yet to hear South London’s indie outfit Laughter. This is a mistake you should rectify immediately before we lose all respect for you. Their latest single, ‘The Wheel,’ is a fuzz-drenched masterpiece dipped in ‘90s shoegaze revelry. It has more riffs than we even knew were legal to put in a song, and this is without even mentioning all the dreamy hooks.

The Get Up Kids ‘Holiday – Demo’

We don’t mean to put a damper on your typical youthful demeanor, but The Get Up Kids’ breakthrough album ‘Something To Write Home About’ is celebrating its 25th anniversary this year. That’s a quarter of a century, and further evidence that you are getting nothing but older. To help soothe the horrors of time, the band is releasing a deluxe edition of the record with a whole heap of demos and outtakes, including the recently released demo of album opener, ‘Holiday.’ We’ll be listening all day while trying not to think of our ex from college.

Look, we get it. You’re probably ‘too busy’ to click the play button on any of these songs. That’s why we’ve hand crafted a playlist for you. It doesn’t just have these songs on it, either. It has every song we’ve ever written about this year, and will continue to grow until it becomes so long and disorienting that we get banned from Spotify. You can click here to check it out unless you’d prefer to continue not expanding your musical repertoire.

Massive Pile of Crap In Trump’s Underwear Admits it Was There Before Assassination Attempt

Posted on July 13, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

BUTLER, Penn. — A loose, and utterly disgusting, accidental bowel movement inside former President Trump’s underwear admitted it was already stinking up the surrounding area before a would-be assassin took shots at the Republican nominee, grossed out sources confirmed.

“I want to make this perfectly clear before the rumors start flying. I’m not one of those cowardly piles of shit that fly out of an anus when someone gets scared. I’m the result of a terrible diet and weakened control due to advanced age like the hundreds of my brothers and sisters before me that soiled Mr. Trump’s undergarments,” said the stool made up mainly of McDonald’s burgers, cheap steak, and french fries. “Sure, a little bit more leaked out after he hit the ground, but I want nothing to do with that waste. I sprayed out on my own terms at least 15 minutes before the shots were fired.”

A Secret Service Agent who chose to remain anonymous confirmed that the excrement is telling the truth.

“Unfortunately I was stationed down wind of President Trump at the rally and anytime there was a slight breeze I caught a whiff of it and nearly gagged. Thankfully we train for this. In order to be in President Trump’s protection circle you must be exposed to the most vile odors for hours at a time without wincing,” said the agent. “When I heard the shots I hesitated because I didn’t want to be the first one to pile on and have some of the crap leak onto my suit. I’ve had it happen before and we have to pay for that out of pocket. I had to cancel a family vacation to Disneyland because of the expense.”

Conservative pundits were quick to discredit the talkative scat and frame the former president as a hero.

“I don’t know why this pile of feces feels the need to center itself in the conversation. Every bit of that mixture of undigest food, bacterially altered bilirubin, and dead epithelial cells should consider itself lucky to be so close to the Mr. Trump,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity. “Personally I’d love to take a trip through his digestive system, and yeah I might come out before the former president could get to a toilet because I’d be so excited about the adventure I just went on. This literal piece of crap needs to fall in line.”

At press time, Trump supporters around the country announced plans to crap their pants in solidarity.