Trad Husband? I Cheated On My Wife, Got Violent With My Kids, and Failed Upwards at My Job

Posted on by Tim Sheard

With all these women making serious bank on social media sharing their lives as “Trad Wives” it got me thinking: I’m a traditional husband; why not me?

First off, I believe in the traditional family. And like everyone else who says that I pick and choose which traditions I’m talking about, based entirely on what suits my needs in the moment.

As a Trad husband, I know that a woman’s place is at home. And a man’s place is in several homes with several women, none of whom know about each other. And sure my wife probably knows about the other ones, but that’s just motivation to keep her looking fit and trim. Plus where else will she find someone who won’t ever help with dinner, but always complains about it?

As a dad who is Trad, I let the kids know who’s boss. I practice corporal punishment with my sons, letting them know that they get the belt if they ever talk back, show emotion, or do better than me in sports. As for my daughters, they are chaste angel princesses whose virginity I will protect with violence, regardless of whether or not they want me to. I will NOT let anyone sexualize my daughters, and refuse to acknowledge that my obsession with their virginity is, in and of itself, sexualizing them. You’re creepy, not me.

I’m entirely unqualified for my job, but I’m tall. That, along with the fact that I’m classically handsome and white, makes stupid people feel safe. Therefore my inadequacies are overlooked, so as to hold up the appearance of the status quo. What’s more traditional than that?

On top of that, my inability to follow through on projects at work has been misinterpreted as confidence, which in turn has actually given me more confidence. But because I did nothing to earn this confidence, underneath this frail shell, my whole personality is built on a fragile foundation of insecurity and defensiveness, that will lash out, violently, to protect my ego. You know, guy shit.

I know I’m no saint. Look, nobody’s perfect. Or as the t-shirt one of my kids bought me says, “pobody’s nerfect!” At least I think it was one of my kids. It might’ve been one of the young women from my congregation I’m sleeping with. Did I mention I’m a youth pastor? Because obviously I’m a youth pastor. TikTok here I come!

“Snowperson” and Other Updated Holiday Terminologies That Are Guaranteed To Incite Pointless Rage in Your Shitty Uncle

Posted on by Violet Cowdin

It’s the holidays, which means it’s time to go home an delicately navigate social interaction with the right-wing bigots you have nothing in common with you call “family.” Your clan has a clear “No politics on holidays” rule (which your uncle loves to repeat while wearing his MAGA hat) but they can’t control your language! Here are 10 updated holiday terms that will enrage your uncle into an early grave faster than “He is a convicted felon who is mentally unfit to hold the office of the presidency” ever could.

1) Snowman = Snowperson
The perfect term to slip into conversation over some Irish coffee with the uncle. Wait for him to take a sip, then ask if he’s made a snowperson with the kids this year. I dare you. He’ll turn a shade of red you didn’t know was possible for the human skin organ to create.

2) Mrs. Clause = Gertrude Clause
She has a name, asshole.

3) Italian Rainbow Cookies = Luigi’s Cookies
Because in this house? Luigi is a hero. And, as respectfully as possible, a sex symbol. By “house” I mean whatever building I’m physically in when I see Italian Rainbow Cookies.

4) Gingerbread Men = Gingerbread Them
“Does everything have to adhere to such rigid heterosexual gender norms??? Are you really that insecure?”

5) Snowflake = Cold Rain
“That just is exactly what it is. Believe science. And while you’re at it? Believe women.”

6) Gay = Gay
This is the only non-updated holiday terminology on the list. It means cheerful, jolly, full of mirth. It also happens to be the word your uncle is probably most afraid of being called because his masculinity is as fragile as a hand-blown glass ornament. Might I suggest sending him a nice holiday text? Something like…”gr8 seeing u and cuz so gay while watching football together. I hope 2 b as gay as u 1 day! Happy HOLIDAYS”

7) Snow Angel = Snow Plasma
Again, science is important. Aliens are in New Jersey, and soon some of us will be beamed up. Anyways – The closest thing to what people describe as “angels” are amorphous masses that are more accurately described as plasma. Sorry to burst your bubble, unc.

8) Shortbread = Averageheightbread
Do we have to point out everything’s physical stature? Even when it comes to something I dip into my tea? This year I’ll be leaving a plate of averageheightbread by the fire for Santa.

9) Rudolph = “The Twink”
I said what I said. I believe this to be true, and if you took one second to think about it you would agree. Maybe this is an opportunity to teach your shitty uncle some new terminology that he’ll think over in his pea brain for the rest of the evening. Cheers!

10) Happy New Year = Billionaires Should Not Exist, Revolt
We will never truly have a happy new year until the financial ruling class is overthrown and made to pay for their crimes against the species. This year, makes your ressolution a revolution.

Opinion: Jokes on You, I Wanted to Spend Christmas in This Disneyland Holding Cell

Posted on by Matt Husser

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the inside of this subterranean Disneyland prison complex is so delightful. That’s right, I might be the one behind bars but it’s actually you who has been caught in my cunning little “Home Alone” trap, cause jokes on you: I actually wanted to spend Christmas in this Disneyland holding cell.

You think it was an accident that I ended up here? A mere coincidence that I got so drunk off twelve ‘Genie and Juice’ cocktails that I decided to hit Goofy with the Stone Cold Stunner in front of all those families during the Christmas Fantasy Parade? Au contraire my friend, this is all going according to my master plan.

You see, money can buy you all sorts of things at Disneyland. A Magic Key Pass to skip the lines. Membership at the exclusive Club 33 where you can rub elbows with the elite class of Disney Adults. Hell, you go down the wrong alley at Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge and flash credits to the right Hutt you can get a lapdance from Jar Jar Binks himself and ooh, mooey mooey, heesa be bussin’ it down. But the most exclusive attraction of all is Scar’s Slammer, and all it costs to get in is your dignity—and I already lost that when I tore my pants after the security guards dressed like Buzz and Woody tackled me.

While all these pathetic families are above ground pretending to be happy while gawkin’ at the Christmas lights, these suckers are missing out on the best part of the whole park. Shit, so what if my kids don’t talk to me anymore, I got three hots and a cot in the happiest holding cell on Earth! I’m making prison eggnog with some non-dairy creamer I swiped from TinkerBucks and ‘Mickey’s Moonshine’ I hid in the wall when I was in here last Christmas. Best of all, I get to spend the holidays with my chosen family: a bunch of minimum wage security guards who aren’t spending Christmas with their families either—and unlike my ungrateful kids, their little handbook says they gotta call me ‘Sir’.

So I’m gonna kick up my feet and enjoy my Christmas in here, and you better not let me out early either, cause you know what I’m gonna do the minute you open that cell? I’m gonna find Goofy and ring in the New Year with another Stone Cold Stunner, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Guy Wishing for Class War This Christmas Will Settle for a Decent Panini Press

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will settle for a nice hot sandwich maker instead if need be, fed-up sources report.

“Given the fact that the whole country is fixated on the killing of that United Healthcare CEO and since it has opened the eyes of so many working-class folks to how the disgustingly wealthy oppress us in every facet of our lives, I just know this is our year,” Karnes said. “I’ve dropped hints to all my friends, my mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, and I even sent an email to the CEO of Orkin saying that this year, he and all his other bloodsucking, rich cronies are toast. It’ll be a real Christmas miracle! But, um, in the event of government interference, I have a few other ideas.”

Audrey Karnes, Jullian’s mother, feels guilty her son may not get his wish, but believes he’ll be more than happy with the alternative. 

“Oh, I just hate to see Jullian get his hopes up like this. He’s done nothing but listen to Angelic Upstarts and go on Reddit to talk about working-class oppression with his internet friends for weeks,” Mrs. Karnes stated. “When I typed ‘class war’ into Amazon, I didn’t find anything remotely close to waging war on rich oligarchs. I did however find him a really nice panini press that burns the Crass logo into the bread. That’s just going to have to do until more Americans open their eyes to the bastards that grind us down.”

Working-class historian and scholar Jada Munson explains how many holiday stories originally had strong pro working-class messaging. 

“For a holiday that has become a cesspool of capitalist consumerism giving the illusion of happiness while bosses rake in record profits across the world, it’s pretty ironic stories like ‘Frosty the Snowman’ were originally set out to be the very antithesis of those things,” Munson stated. “Very few people know Jack Rollins was a staunch working-class activist, and he came up with the song while dodging the bullets of company finks when he wasn’t slaving away in the coal mines. But CBS thought it would be more marketable if it were about a snowman and not killing coal bosses. It’s a real shame.”

At press time, Audrey Karnes was seen wrapping her family’s gifts with

Hot Topic Employee Traded to Ann Taylor After 25th Birthday

Posted on by Cory Cousins

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local angsty teen goth hang and ironic t-shirt purveyor Hot Topic traded one of their employees to the more age-appropriate Ann Taylor this week after celebrating her 25th birthday.

“My shift started out pretty great,” noted recently released employee, Anna Gonzales. “My co-workers were really sweet and got me a cake to celebrate my 25th birthday. They even got me a few presents, but I knew something was up when I opened them. It was all pantsuits, cardigans, and blazers. I was expecting something along the lines of a denim Hello Kitty skirt, fuzzy platform boots, and a My Chemical Romance hoodie. It’s like they wanted me to cosplay as an old boring person or something. Then they started shepherding me out the door chanting ‘LOFT’ and I knew it was all over.”

Hot Topic manager and “Nightmare Before Christmas” Funko collectible enthusiast Draven Ravenscroft provided an insider look.

“We at Hot Topic believe that all of our employees should be able to explore new horizons at other retailers after their 25th birthday. Plus, they’re just fucking old,” replied the 19-year-old Ravenscroft. “We really have to consider our clientele. I mean, who would want to buy their Grinch mini-backpacks and spiked eyebrow barbells from some decrepit ghoul in their mid-twenties? No thank you. So we send our aged-out employees to Ann Taylor and in return they set us up with a case of unused safety pins. We go through those things like crazy.”

Further investigation into the little-known rite of passage of mall employees from Hot Topic to more age-suitable retailers revealed that there have been some rocky transitions in the past.

“Oh yes, I remember it quite well,” regaled local Hot Topic historian Luna Thornsberry. “About twenty years ago, an elderly employee refused to move on, so mall security sedated her with a goblet of absinth, put a lavender cashmere sweater on her, and assisted her to Ann Taylor. Next thing she knew, she was selling leather tote bags and plaid blanket scarves to suburban moms. You really hate to see things go down that way so publicly.”

At press time, corporate lawyers successfully made a deal with Talbot’s and Lane Bryant to help displace the abundant rapidly-aging Hot Topic workforce.

Opinion: There Are Dozens of Songs About Wanting to Fuck Santa But I Write One Song About Getting Snowplowed by Frosty and Suddenly I’m Banned From Caroling

Posted on by Matt Husser

Go through the Christmas carol canon and there are dozens of songs about wanting to to fuck Santa Claus. “Santa Baby.” “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I only hear snippets of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ in the background at shopping malls, but I imagine it’s probably about Santa spreading his festive seed all over town in one carnal night. Based on the sheer number of songs celebrating Santa’s fanciful fornication, his reindeer should be getting bonus pay for dragging his big ol’ yule hog around the world. Point is, Christmas songs are full of lyrics about getting dicked down by jolly ol’ St. Nick. I just find it a little hypocritical that if you write one song about getting snow plowed by Frosty the Snowman, suddenly you’re on the naughty list and get banned from caroling at the local old folks’ homes.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Frosty? That’s right, his powdery-soft badonkadonk that puts the ‘ass’ in ‘Christmass.’ I know nothing gets me into the holiday spirit like a festive jingle about Frosty busting it down snow-angel style on some freak shit, but apparently the Puritan brigade at my choir found the title ‘Frosted by the Snowman’ in poor taste. These old bastards survived the Great Depression and a World War, you think they can’t handle a song about getting blizzed on by the world’s sexiest snowman? Ageist if you ask me.

Just look at the original lyrics to 1950s Frosty the Snowman: ‘Thumpety thump thump,
thumpety thump thump, look at Frosty go!’. The subtext is clearly about Frosty taking someone’s mom to plow town while the kids are busy outside playing in the snow, they just couldn’t come out and say it back then or they’d only play your songs in underground jazz clubs in New Orleans. Only difference between that song and mine is I have the snowballs to come out and sing about Frosty’s voluptuous curves in great detail.

We haven’t added a new classic Christmas carol since Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, and I think it’s because we’ve pumped both that well and Santa dry. It’s time we added a little spice to caroling, stopped censoring brave artists, and finally celebrated Frosty’s sexual prowess with a tasteful five-minute power ballad about the legendary round mound of pound.

Black Metal Christmas Carolers Only Reach Three Houses Before Murdering Each Other

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SEATTLE – Christmas carolers and members of local black metal band Kirkeråte only reached three houses before succumbing to the urge to kill one another, mystified sources reported.

“It was our mission to invert the perverse faith of the Christians and convince them that they are helpless to the evil that pervades this dying planet,” gasped lead singer Tom Brafton as he was dying of multiple stab wounds at the hands of his drummer. “Such evil is channeled perfectly in our music, which provides the filth necessary to corrupt the purity of the Christ child that infects this neighborhood every holiday season. It’s unfortunate that the infighting over which of us is more ‘kvlt’ really came to a head while we were caroling. Our bassist Erik couldn’t get out of his shift at Wingstop to join us, so I at least hope he makes a necklace out of bits of my skull.”

Neighborhood resident Lisa Derlione was baffled at what she had witnessed.

“I could hear them from down at the end of my street, which is apparently where they had begun,” Derlione reported. “It was this really high-pitched shrieking that I found extremely unpleasant. In between the shrieking I could hear these guys audibly bickering about which of them ‘harbored more hatred for the Nazarene.’ I have no idea what that was about, but by the time they were next door their arguing had clearly devolved into violence. What’s crazy is the sound of them dying is the exact same as the sound of them singing.”

HOA Board Member Jamal Stelnick offered his insight on the situation.

“The minutes from our last meeting made it explicitly clear that all metal bands were forbidden from caroling this Christmas,” Stelnick said angrily. “After all the chaos that resulted in past years, we decided on an ‘only clean singing’ rule that would preclude all of the baggage that comes with extreme caroling. We only just finished cleaning up all the beer and vomit littering the sidewalks after the thrash metal caroling debacle from last year. And I thought I had my hands full with all these decorations that aren’t up to specifications.”

At press time, a new group of pop punk frontmen decided to resume the caroling, seeing as how they had to travel door-to-door to notify residents of their presence in the neighborhood anyway.

Nation’s Pop Punk Violinists Still Holding Out for Post-“Ocean Avenue” Boom

Posted on by Matt Oriente

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Pop punk violinists around the nation are still patiently waiting for their instrument’s popularity in the scene to explode following the “Ocean Avenue” boom in the early 2000s, sources confirmed.

“A lot of people feel the violin is this very prim and proper orchestral instrument, but when you think about it, isn’t it just like a tiny guitar you put on your shoulder and play with a bow?” said Rory Flinn, a still-aspiring punk violinist. “When ‘Ocean Avenue’ was released in 2003, I really thought this was our moment and that so many doors would open. The most it amounted to, though, was some guest spots on various projects, but even then it was mostly playing a moody violin intro. Yet here I am, still playing the same old ‘Violin Concerto No. 2 in B Minor.’ Or worse yet, I’m asked to be in a Dave Matthews cover band. I really picked the wrong instrument to learn in fourth grade.”

Sean Mackin, current violinist for Yellowcard, is just as surprised the string instrument hasn’t caught on.

“I think we can all agree that Black Flag would be greatly improved with a few fiddle parts sprinkled in here and there,” explained Mackin. “Just think, violins don’t have frets—unlike guitars—how punk rock is that? I mean, sure, it can be complex—proper bow speed, pressure, and angle make the margin of error so great that it takes years of practice to lower that margin even just a little. I can’t quite explain why it hasn’t been more popular among pop punk bands.”

Brad Selle, who has made a life’s work of documenting niche instruments in punk bands, isn’t all that shocked at the violin being effectively left out of the genre.

“You really only have to go so far as Yellowcard themselves, or Motion City Soundtrack and their Moog, or every ska band and their horn sections,” said Selle. “These instruments were cool at first, but eventually, they became boondoggles—a logistical nightmare. Imagine getting pretty far into the songwriting process only to realize, ‘Oh, crap. We didn’t account for the violin.’ All of these bands go through a time where, if they aren’t completely nixing the instrument, they’re certainly mixing them down on the records.”

At press time, the rest of the members of Yellowcard had to be reminded they still have a violin player in their band.

Help! I Snuck Into My Parent’s Closet to Peek at Christmas Presents and Found a Fursuit

Posted on by Tim Sheard

So far, winter break has been pretty cool. I was really excited for Christmas, and I know Mom and Dad hide presents in their closet. When they were out on date night and the babysitter was distracted by the TV, I decided to sneak in to take a peek at what they got me.

When I first saw what was in the closet, I was so confused. Why would they get me this for Christmas? I already have a lot of stuffed animals, and my Zootopia phase was a few years ago. I also thought it was weird that the big tiger was wearing a “Furapalooza 2022 at the Long Beach Convention Center” t-shirt.

When I asked Mom and Dad about the big tiger in their closet later that night, they sat me down and tried to explain. They kept saying over and over that despite what some people say online, it’s not always a “weird sex thing.” So I asked, “What’s sex?” Then we had another uncomfortable conversation.

Once they finished explaining where babies come from, I asked about the oddly voluptuous husky that was next to the big tiger. Mom and Dad looked at each other, and quickly said, “Wouldn’t you rather open the gifts Santa brought?” I asked, “Wait, how did Santa’s gifts get here before Christmas? And why are they coming out of your closet?” Then we had a third, difficult conversation. I learned a lot that night.

After I finished crying, I decided I’m okay with my parents dressing up as animals. To show them, I drew a family picture with them in their fursuits. They said it was the best fan art of their fursonas they’d ever seen. I don’t know what that means and I’m scared to ask, but I think they liked it.

So, I had a pretty chill winter break other than that. Mom and Dad said that if I don’t tell my friends that they’re furries, next year they’ll get me twice the presents! How cool is that? So after I read this essay aloud to the class at show and tell, my lips are sealed!