By Day We’re Just The Faculty For A Community College History Department. But By Night We’re The Best They Might Be Giants Tribute Band In The Tri-state Area

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay class, may I have your attention for a moment? We know that there are some rumors going around about the school’s faculty and we like to confirm at this present time that, yes, they are all true. That’s right, class. Though you will mostly only see us as your humble and handsome educators, we, this community college history department, are collectively known as Constantinople (Not Istanbul) – the preeminent They Might Be Giants tribute band in the area.

We aren’t entirely sure how word got out about this undeniably hip side project of ours as we all use rock and roll pseudonyms to play under. You kids all know “Dr. Worm” right? Well instead on drums for us we have “Dr. Weevil” – specifically Dr. Thaddeus Kinsey Weevil who heads the department’s medieval cartography curriculum.

They Might Be Giants have played a large role in our academic work. In fact we’ve quoted lyrics from their songs in several research papers which every scholarly journal and Rolling Stone have refused to publish.

I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that you kids found out. You’ve sure got yourself in on everything that’s “slaps” and “rizz” these days. And what’s really more “gagged” than songs about James K. Polk, mammalian biology, or the various Mesopotamian rulers? Yes, it would only be a matter of time before you all found us out.

But don’t think that just because you all now know that we’re secretly an educational alterna-rock cover band on the side doesn’t mean things are going to be any different in the classroom. We keep our professional and our hardcore personal lives separate, and we will not be grading on a curve. We’re still the boss of you.

That being said, if anyone wants to come to our next show at the Whittleman Science Center Imax theater stage we have plenty of tickets still available. Tickets are half off to anyone who brings a used textbook to donate to Little Free Library.

Punk Attempting to Free Climb 6’4” Man Blocking His View of Stage

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.

“Some people think I have a death wish, but I’ve had my eyes on the peak of this jackass since he planted himself in front of me during the opener. I knew the only way I was going to make it to the pit would be to kill my beer, tighten up my boots, and get climbing,” said McCutchen, clinging to the towering man’s hips. “He’s a bit bigger than the bouncers and cops I’ve vaulted over in the past, but at this pace I should be at the summit just before the headliner, and then I’ll punch this guy in the back of the fucking head.”

Onlookers couldn’t pay attention to the show out of fear and awe of McCutchen’s climb.

“Mike is fucking crazy! Even he must realize nobody has ever attempted to scale this dude. This guy is a straight six-foot, four-inch sheer drop who just plants himself near the front like an asshole and we all just have to watch bands in his shadow. Mike must be running on pure willpower and liquid courage,” said scene veteran Eric Wray. “Everyone’s buttcheeks have been clenched this entire time. It would be a symbolic victory for all of us, but free soloing a guy this tall without equipment? I guess if he dies, he’ll die a legend.”

Bouldering experts said that what McCutchen was attempting was extremely dangerous but not impossible.

“Punk mountaineering is far from easy, but trying to free solo it makes the likelihood of survival drop significantly. We all remember Bill ‘Scabies’ Johnson’s tragic fall from Joey Ramone’s shoulders at the Richard Hell show in ‘82. They had to peel him off the floor,” said Clive Calloway. “If Mike wants to make it back alive, he has to get a good hold on the pins and patches of this behemoth’s battle jacket and pray there’s enough dirt on it for some good footing. One can only hope Mike did the recommended amount of whippets in order to keep going.”

Later, McCutchen was dealt a demoralizing blow after he thought he’d reached the top and saw he still had to climb the man’s liberty spikes.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending Our ‘Seasonal’ Depression Isn’t Full Blown Depression

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by, you’ve been enjoying the warmer weather, and you’ve listened to almost no music. That’s a crime in several states if you didn’t already know. Especially during springtime. Because your rap sheet is already pretty lengthy, we want to make sure you’re in the clear. Here are six songs we listened to this week that should help you avoid those costly court fees. Click here to listen while you read. We know your attention span is shot.

Cursive ‘Up And Away’

In case your saddest, most literary friend didn’t already tell you, Cursive has announced the follow-up to 2019’s excellent ‘Get Fixed.’ ‘Devourer,’ which is set to release in September, will be the band’s first effort in nearly half a decade, and it seemingly will be worth the wait. The deliriously dissonant and catchy lead single ‘Up And Away,’ marks a dazzling return to form while continuing to push the ever growing envelope of the group’s sound.

The Hope Conspiracy ‘Live In Fear’

Our office is currently being renovated. No, we didn’t really need an upgrade, it’s just that ever since Boston’s hardcore legends, The Hope Conspiracy, announced their first album in nearly two decades, at least half of our writers have been launching each other into the drywall. We would be angrier if the record didn’t fucking rip so hard. Welcome back, The Hope Conspiracy. We’ll send you the repair bill.

Petey ‘Home Alone House 2 feat. Owen’

As if last year’s stunner of an album, ‘USA,’ wasn’t enough to hold us over, singer-songwriter and internet sensation Petey is refusing to slow his roll. His latest, ‘Home Alone House 2,’ is a somber stroll through the trappings of youth that ultimately ends in hoping for some form of early onset dementia to ease the journey through adulthood and old age. When you get done being depressed as fuck, play it again to peep those harmonies.

Osees ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas’

At this point, we’re pretty sure John Dwyer is part of some weird government experiment that makes it impossible for him to not be recording a new album every second of every day. Less than a year after releasing the excellent ‘Intercepted Message,’ Osees have announced their 29th – yeah, you read that right – album, ‘SORCS 80.’ Along with the new announcement, they have dropped the disorienting ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas.’ The band is as chaotic as ever, and we are genuinely concerned. John, blink twice if you need assistance.

Illuminati Hotties ‘Didn’t’

Sarah Tudzin has had a busy couple of years offering production assistance to boygenius, Cloud Nothings, Speedy Ortiz, and likely way more than we’ve heard about. This frenetic schedule clearly hasn’t stopped her from crafting what we assume will be another masterpiece of an album under the Illuminati Hotties moniker. ‘Power,’ the follow-up album to 2022’s epic ‘Let Me Do One More’ promises to be another powerhouse with each single that is released. The latest, ‘Didn’t,’ features an assist from Cavetown, as well as truly gigantic guitars and even bigger earworm hooks. Try not to listen to it all day, you have work to do, probably.

The Offspring ‘Make It All Right’

There’s a hot new band making the rounds. The kids are calling them ‘The Spring’ which is short for ‘The Offspring.’ Perhaps we’re more out of touch than we previously thought, because this is the first we’re hearing of the California quintet. We doubt it’s the last however, because their latest single ‘Make It All Right’ is destined to be the song of the summer. Make sure to keep an eye out for these guys, because we have a feeling shit’s about to blow up for them!

Even though you just said ‘sick, I’ll check it out later,’ we know you better at this point. You have no intention of listening to any of these songs. Admit it. That’s why we created a playlist for you, so all you need to do is click here, and let the tunes roll. We update it every week too, so there’s no excuse not to have better taste from this point forward.

Five Tips To Make Your Adult League Teammates Be as Competitive and Angry as You

Posted on by Charles Bill

So you’ve signed up for an adult league of a sport. Maybe you played it in high school, maybe you are a big fan of the professional sport. All that you know is that you signed up to win, but your dumbass teammates want to have ‘fun’. Here are five tips to make your adult league teammates as competitive and angry as you.

Give a Patton-esque Pep-talk

The first thing you want to try with your complacent, weak teammates, is to motivate them the old-fashioned way: standing in front of a giant flag with a riding crop. The flag doesn’t necessarily need to be an American one, but if it isn’t, it definitely won’t work as well. Try to evoke a feeling of patriotism and good duty to your teammates, let it be known that the way to win a rec soccer game is by making that other son of a bitch die. You’ll come out of your presentation with a group of ravenous, blood-hungry patriots, ready to destroy some kickball.

Remind Them That They Joined An Adult Recreational League To Win, Not Have Fun

It’s very important that your teammates are in the same frame of mind as you: furious and obsessed with winning to a dangerous degree. You need to go to each and every teammate and remind them that they didn’t join to have a good time with friends, they joined to get irrationally pissed off over small calls that won’t matter in fifteen minutes. Implore them to remember that they’re here for victory, not the simple-minded concepts of bonding and entertainment.

Put A Ten-Thousand Dollar Bounty On Scoring

Admittedly to do this one, you must be quite wealthy. This tip is really quite simple: you tell your teammates that for every point they score they’ll receive a cashier’s check good for ten-thousand American dollars, or fifty-thousand Brazilian real. You’ll have to prove that you have the wealth to do it by sending it to one of your teammates. From then on, it’s a feeding frenzy. Your teammates will be fighting, throwing elbows, everything you ever wanted to see from your Quidditch teammates. Your approval is now an economy.

Frame The Opposing Team For Murder

You’re a competitive person. You play every game as if you’re avenging the death of your brother, so all you have to do is make your teammates play the same way. Kidnap one of your teammate’s loved ones, “Prisoners” style, and put them in a big pit in your backyard. Place the ‘murder’ weapon in one of the opposing team member’s home, and voila! Suddenly your team is fighting tooth and nail for the dub, and you’re loving it. After the fact, you can even release the person from your death pit. You will of course have to murder someone, but big deal, you’ve killed before.

Put Trace Amounts Of PCP In Their Water Bottles

Probably the most practical, and simple to pull off. Simply take a solution of 5% PCP 95% water, and fill a bunch of medical syringes with them. Go around to everyone’s water bottles, injecting the good stuff into them. At your pre-game huddle you suggest a toast of water to stay hydrated. Everyone drinks and next thing you know they’re ripping face and screaming at the opponents that they need to crawl back into their mother’s.

9-Year-Old That Won Local Skateboarding Contest Unsure of What to Do with Case of PBR

Posted on by Drew Gigis

CLEVELAND — Local elementary school student Chase Farmer recently found himself in a predicament after winning a skateboarding contest at his local skatepark and being awarded the top prize, a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, concerned sources report.

“I was super stoked when they announced that I had won the contest. I had been practicing that run for weeks, but I was very confused when they handed me a full case of beer,” said Farmer. “I mean don’t get me wrong it felt pretty cool to be nine and pushing beer down the sidewalk on my board, because it was way too heavy to carry, but I have no idea what to do with it. I already kickflipped over it, so what else is there? Honestly, I would have much rather have won third place prize which was a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.”

Many participants who competed in the contest were also surprised when Farmer was given the beer, including 2nd place winner, 20-year-old Logan Ellington.

“Chase killed it out there, but I do think it was pretty irresponsible to not change the prize for him. Even I know that he’s too young for beer, it would have been better if maybe they had a bucket of fireworks or something as a back up prize for the kid,” explained Ellington. “I wish they would have just given him the bearings I won and the beer to me. I know I’m underage too but I’m like right there, in 8 months I’ll be able to drink legally. Plus I was kind of counting on that case to impress this goth chick, Lilith, who works nights over at Arby’s.”

Farmers’s mother expressed her anger and disgust when he came into the house lugging the 30-pack of beers.

“I couldn’t believe anyone would think that is an appropriate prize. I was beside myself, to allow a child to bring that piss water into my home,” said Mrs. Farmer. “I am ashamed and disappointed that I didn’t raise my son to know better than to accept such an atrocious beer. He should know damn well that this is a Busch Light household, and if he didn’t, he does now. He’s grounded until he learns about quality brewing. I just hope the liquor store will let me exchange it or give me store credit.”

At press time, Farmer’s stepdad, Terry Morse, promised to scrap the aluminum cans and buy him some stickers or something after he crushes them all while watching reruns of “Pawn Stars.”

Missed Connection: You Were Flashing Steel Panther at The Viper Room, I Was Puking In the Trash Can by the Merch Table

Posted on by Ben Friedman

This is a longshot, but you were at the Steel Panther show at the Viper Room last Saturday. You had blonde hair (real or bleached?), wearing cutoff jean shorts and a Dale Earnhart Jr. tank top. We locked eyes a few times during the set and I feel like we had an ethereal, unspoken connection one can only have during a comedy metal show after several hours of day drinking.

Actually, now that I think about it I’ve just described 80% of the crowd. If it helps to narrow it down further, you were flashing your boobs at the band while I was puking in the trash can next to the merch table.

I think you whipped your tits out during “Poontang Boomerang” or “Asain Hooker” and even though I was seeing double, they looked fantastic. All four of them were perfect. I think one of them was pierced, or that could’ve been my vision blending your ears with your nips as I was sticking my head in the bin. I think you were admiring my party animal aesthetic.

I don’t remember what I was wearing (my pants were missing when I got home) but I know you definitely saw me because I was clinging to the garbage can directly next to the merch table for dear life as the nine Jaegerbombs I had earlier evacuated my stomach. I was forced to buy three shirts because the backsplash from my puke landed on them. But they’re clean now, so if you want we could wear matching tour shirts on our first date.

When I regained the strength to stand on my own again, you were already walking away after the band invited you backstage. I tried complimenting another four other women who looked identical to you with a “show me your tits” chant, but they all told me they had boyfriends. All the more reason you were definitely the one that got away.

I’ll be back at the Viper Room next weekend for the Nikki Sixx show. I’d love to see you and your boobs again, and I’ll try to only drink six Bud Lights, max.

Parents Force Teenage Son to Listen to Entire Red Hot Chili Peppers Discography as Punishment for Adding “Dani California” to Family Playlist

Posted on by Robert Butler

SEATTLE — Local parents Chris and Maggie Nelson forced their teenage son to listen to the entire Red Hot Chili Peppers discography as punishment for adding “Dani California” to the family Spotify playlist, sources confirmed.

“I know this is an unorthodox way of parenting but if you’re living in this household, you will not be a fan of any Chili Peppers. Not even the Dave Navarro era,” said the father of three. “He tried to hide a copy of ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ under his mattress but we found it. We always do. We’ll see how he feels about this band after he’s listened to everything the band has released, including the greatest hits compilations, B-sides, and demos. Then we’ll move onto movies that Flea has appeared in. After this, he’ll never be drawn in by those mesmerizing bass hooks ever again.”

The 14-year-old admits the habit may have been difficult to break at first.

“All my other friends were doing it and I thought I looked cool when listening to this band,” said Travis Nelson. “Needless to say, it felt harmless at first, but after eight straight hours of this RHCP onslaught, I’m ready to avoid them entirely. Or at least only listen to them when I’m not home. I heard addiction was bad but I didn’t know it could be like this. ”

Julia Moores, family therapist and author of the best-selling book “Your Gen Z And You,” defended the parents.

“One afternoon when I was a teen I made the mistake of recording ‘It’s My Life’ by Bon Jovi onto the mixtape we kept in our minivan. My father was so upset, he turned the van around and raced home. I was not to leave the table until I had listened to every single one of their albums, beginning to end,” says Moores. “As upset as I was at the time, I know it worked. Ever since then I can’t even be in the same room when Bon Jovi is playing. If I’m at a party and it happens to come on, I just step outside. I can’t even experience second-hand Bon Jovi.”

At press time, the parents’ method worked so well that their teenage son doesn’t even have the urge to visit the state of California anymore.

We Sit Down With Emily the Strange Because She’s Running the Haunted Bed and Breakfast We Booked

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Emily the Strange, the ingenious young girl with a fascination for all things macabre and one time unofficial Hot Topic mascot, is as synonymous with goth as Siouxsie Sioux and the color black. It’s been a hot minute since we’ve seen her around, so you could only imagine our surprise running into her on our vacation in Blandindulle, mostly because she’s the owner of the haunted B&B we’re trying to escape.

The Hard Times: Wow, you’re the last person we expected to see working the front desk at 1 a.m. Is your mom around? We’d like to chat with her about some issues we’ve been having with our stay.

EMILY: Patti isn’t here. You can talk to me, I own the place. Hotel entrepreneurship is my specialty after molecular biology and skateboarding.

Oh uh, that’s cool. Well listen, when we spoke to the guy on the phone last week he said there’d be activities like gardening and yoga, and it looks like the backyard is just a freshly dug up graveyard.

Not sure who you spoke to, I’m the only person within twenty miles – oh, wait that was probably Raven. He’s the cybernetic golem I made out of reanimated bird parts and he’s also the head chef. But yeah, we’re replanting the coffins tonight if that’s your thing. Any other dumb crap you want to bug me about?

Uhhhh well it’s just that last night we were woken up by some weird noises. It was back and forth between guttural screams and moans of anguish. Are there some escaped mental patients staying here or something?

No, those guys checked out a few days ago. You’re the only guest staying here, but you’re not the only souls, if you catch my drift. They can be noisy but they came with the house and keep better company than the living. Speaking of which, any interest in helping me test out this brain-scanning machine I’ve been working on? I’ve run out of test subjects.

We’ll take a raincheck on that. Listen now that we think about it, the La Quinta Inn by the airport might be more our style. Could we check out?

Technically yes, but the doors lock from the outside so you might as well get comfortable. Besides, I’m giving a lecture on theoretical physics and contacting the dead so I’m going to need your undivided attention. Plus it’ll give the cats time to tidy up the room.

So the cats are-

The cleaning staff, yes. Just so you know Mystery and NeeChee will bite you and whisper ancient languages from before recorded time to drive you insane if you left wet towels on the floor on top of a $25 fee.

Fine, but we’re not making the bed! But seriously, we ought to be going and I’m sure it’s past your bedtime. WAIT WHY ARE THE WALLS MOVING?

Look,I don’t walk into your job and slap the piss out of your mouth, don’t tell me how to run a hotel where all the paintings come to life. Relax and let the poltergeists do their thing. It’s not like you’re going to die. Yet. Man, if there’s one thing that spoils running an unlicensed B&B from hell, it’s other people!

Neo-Liberal Mayor Paints Anti-Homeless Spikes For Pride

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

STAMFORD, Conn. — Mayor Shannon Still reiterated her city’s commitment to celebrating lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people by hiring a local artist to paint the area’s hostile architecture in a rainbow pattern, sources currently calling the cops confirmed.

“After seeing all the attacks on this marginalized group, we are making it clear that all people, no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity, are welcome here,” said Mayor Still as she supervised the hanging of a “Love Is Love” banner on a gate covering a shady spot under an outdoor staircase. “We’ve painted rainbow flags on the sleeping deterrents on our public benches and increased funding for law enforcement to look out for vagrants and drifters who might incite violence. And we’ve gone all out for the parade. We cut down the trees along the route to increase visibility and put in planters, so there will be plenty of spots to stand without the ‘unhoused’ tents getting in the way.”

Local community groups welcomed Mayor Still’s support of their ongoing inclusion efforts.

“The pursuit of acceptance and equality is a 24/7 job, but we appreciate the city’s commitment and support, especially during Pride,” said Gray Parker, President of the Stamford Chapter of UnVisible LGBTQIA+. “They stepped up in a big way, stationing security guards at our libraries to suss out suspicious people who look like they might challenge books, and ordered St. Luke’s African Methodist Episcopal Soup Kitchen to pause operations so it can be used as a safe space/reading room/vendor marketplace.”

As expected, these measures have been criticized by conservative groups, but there has been pushback from those in the queer community as well.

“While the mission is certainly admirable, the execution raises concerns of political pinkwashing,” said activist Elie Trumaneas as they unpacked boxes of apparel. “The City Council is using Pride as an empty gesture for political goodwill without any lasting forward movement. And frankly, if you know a single queer person, you know that many of us are committed to providing for those in need, instead of punishing them for simply existing. You can read about it in our latest print edition newsletter, thanks to a generous donation from Exxon-Mobil.”

Mayor Stills insists these will be lasting changes and that they intend to celebrate cultures and communities throughout the year, mentioning that for Hispanic Heritage Month they will be “blasting” Salsa music in the all-weather gazebos in Commons Park.