NEW YORK — The giant gorilla mascot for New York hardcore luminaries Gorilla Biscuits was finally released after being held in captivity on the corner of Avenue A and St. Mark’s in lower Manhattan, sources who are suckas with big mouths confirmed.
“I can’t believe it’s been 35 years — time flies! I know it was wrong to have him just stand still there but I had high hopes he was ok. I realize now these are just things we say,” said local aging hardcore scenester Trent Boggins. “Some people say there’s no reason to keep a huge ape on one tiny block while wearing a giant Champion sweatshirt and they might be right but there’s two sides because he did always have that grin on his face so it seems like he was kept there with good intentions. Kinda sad though when you think about how we treat apes and band mascots, I guess cats and dogs really do have all the luck.”
Newer residents to the area who don’t know of Gorilla Biscuits, or how to incorporate their lyrics into a sentence, say they are glad to see the enormous animal leave their neighborhood.
“Yes, I am so happy that big hairy thing is leaving this block. He would just stand there with his arms folded and have his elbows crushing the buildings around him causing damage to my new $2.5 million, 300-square-foot studio apartment,” said advertising executive Jennifer Costa. “I guess this all has something to do with some band? Is it that band Gorillaz? I don’t understand any of this. All I know is I’m a real New Yorker who moved here for the gritty culture in 2022 so I think I know enough to say it’s time for this monkey to go so that I can get to the Chiptotle around the corner.”
Primate expert Sandra Binghampton agrees that it is best for the large gorilla to be released from its urban captivity.
“This really is what’s best for the animal. Many people seem to be confused that the gorilla appeared to be smiling but really showing its teeth in that way is a sign of distress in primates,” said Binghampton. “Luckily we have been able to transport the gorilla to a sanctuary where it can spend its life with other mascots from the New York hardcore scene like the skinless guy on the Leeway album cover and that weird flaming Madball thing.”
At press time sources at the mascot sanctuary confirmed that Gorilla Biscuits had also released the caveman mascot who unfortunately still had a trumpet lodged up his nostril.
Trump falsely claimed that migrants crossing the border are responsible for the murders of every American citizen. The former president then claimed he had been murdered at least 3 or 4 times by “a mental patient from Mexico” but was brought back to life by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to St. Peter while standing at the Pearly Gates.
When asked how he would tackle inflation President Biden told a long rambling story about how he fully restored the V-8 engine on his 1932 Ford only using original parts. He claimed he has participated in at least 300 drag races and won every time. He would then treat his friends to root beers at the soda fountain. The story turned somber when he reminisced about how his best friend Slick was killed in a drag race against a rival street gang known as The Dirty Birds.
Trump asserted that he personally moderated discussions between Jerry Only and Glenn Danzig that allowed the two to finally play together again. “Both these men, great men, big muscles, not as big as mine though, they love me. I met with them. We made a deal, I’m the best at deals.”
The president repeatedly claimed that American bombs only explode people who hold impure thoughts. “If you don’t want to be blown up by an American bomb then just close your eyes, think of how much Jesus loves you, and you will be, um, uh, you will be, Medicare.”
While many people tuned in to see how heated it would get between the candidates, even more people tuned in to witness the sultry kiss that signals the end of presidential debates. However, viewers were left disappointed when the kiss lacked passion, with many political analysts describing it as wooden and incredibly dry.
When America was founded in 1776 nobody could have predicted it would grow to the greatest superpower in the world. Now, just under 250 years later it’s very clear that this great experiment is over. The phrase “How do I move out of this country?” was Googled so much after the debate that it caused multiple Google servers to self-destruct.
There are no bad Dead Milkmen albums. Actually I take that back – there is this one and maybe the next one on this list, but I’ll figure that out once I get to it. The point is that “Stoney’s Extra Stout (Pig)” just does not feel like anyone involved in its creation had any investment in its content and certainly didn’t enjoy working on it. But hey, for a band as prolific as Dead Milkmen, it’s probably acceptable to have one stinker on the roster. Now, let’s move on to the next one to see how it holds up.
No, never mind. This one’s bad too. In the band’s defense, it’s gotta be tough to come back 15 years later without your outstanding bass player ( R.I.P Dave Blood) and knock it out of the park on the first swing. So we’re gonna give this one a pass for quality, but all of you should probably give it a pass for listening.
“Metaphysical Graffiti” is a letdown for sure. After a string of A+ albums the band was bound to fumble at some point, and that point is this one. It follows the same path as many previous efforts but just doesn’t do it very well, sort of like being drunk on a camping trip and trying to find your way back to the tent after throwing up in the communal cooler. That’s the feeling of this whole record – a bad job cooler puke.
“Not Richard, But Dick” feels predominantly uninspired. It’s far from the worst the Dead Milkmen ever gave us but overall feels like the band were never able to make the record stand out in any way. Though the energy of a Dead Milkmen record is present, the normally satirical vision of the band is not. In other words, much like the record’s title it insists you call it by a name though it’s your natural inclination not to.
“Pretty Music For Pretty People” (or “PM For the PP” as we’ve just decided to start calling it) is a decent, if mostly forgettable record, so much so that we’re willing to bet that more than a few of you are only just now learning that it exists. But “PM For the PP” still does a fine job of taking the tried and true Dead Milkmen formula for writing satirical lyrics overtop of “what the fuck is this shit?” instrumentation to make for a relatively enjoyable listening experience which you will near-immediately put out of your mind.
Okay, so right around this point in the ranking is where we start to get some really great albums that seem to be far too low in the list for how good they are until you step back and consider that this band has just made a lot of really great records and that this in no way takes away from the quality and staying power of the ones ranked slightly lower and that if this record has some sort of special meaning to you then just remember that this is not a personal affront it’s just how we decided to rank them and you know fucking what just go ahead and reorder the next four or five however the fuck you would prefer for all we care cause it doesn’t change a goddamn thing. Anyways, “Eat Your Paisley”: pretty damn good record.
This is one of those records that, the first time you hear it, doesn’t feel like it makes a strong impression. But then you listen to it again… and again… and again… and again, and for some reason you can’t quite figure out why but it just keeps drawing you back in. And one day you just realize it’s your new favorite record and you kind of just have to accept that fact. Maybe it’s because this is a Joe Jack-heavy record or maybe it’s the more traditionally focused songwriting but “Soul Rotation” is a highly underrated Dead Milkmen album.
“Big Lizard In My Backyard” is an apt title for this record as the metaphor we’d most closely associate with it is that of the “big fish in a small pond.” The album shows great promise in the band’s songwriting capabilities and their drive to hone a unique voice, but so much of the record still lingers in the confines of three-chord punk rock structure. In other words, it’s impressive at a glance but the band doesn’t really hit their stride until that lizard busts the fuck outta that backyard.
No Dead Milkmen albums are great because they give you exactly what you expect from them. If you want to see how those albums fare we’d recommend scrolling back up to, oh, let’s say 9th place and be reminded of what we said about those. “Bucky Fellini” is certainly not what you would have expected from the band at the time, but that is a major part of why it makes you want to keep listening. With the inclusion of a Daniel Johnston cover and the satirically depressing yet catchy “Watching Scotty Die” this album more than deserves to be in the number 3 spot.
Maybe it’s because it’s fresh in our minds or maybe it’s the fistful of adderall we took after lunch but we absolutely love this record. Not as though we needed proof that the Dead Milkmen could still write a remarkably well crafted, satirically interesting and yet still danceable record in their later years, but all the same we have the artifact now regardless. “Quaker City Quiet Pills” blends some of the best elements of every era of Milkmen with a few new hooks thrown in for good measure.
It took the band a few years but they finally hit their apex with “Beelzebubba.” The exact right combination between snooty and intellectual, between thrashing punk chords and delicately written songs. Fuck, “Punk Rock Girl” is so good that you willingly bothered to learn things about the city of Philadelphia to enjoy it more. That’s a record with staying power. If you’re a fan of the Dead Milkmen but haven’t listened to them in a while, go back and put this record from front to back. We can pretty much guarantee you won’t skip a second of this album after you’ve started it.
Mac V2 is a cross between Miracle Alien Cookies and another strain of unknown origin. Though fairly potent, it is both uplifting and relaxing and doesn’t inhibit focus as much as most strains in its class, making MAC V2 Ideal for both daytime and nighttime use. Be warned, however—this strain is just too well-balanced and euphoric to truly maximize your anxiety while watching “The Bear.” While Carmy would approve of the strain’s tantalizing citrus and pepper notes, it won’t cause you so much stress that you have to remind yourself to breathe, separating you significantly from the main character and the overall spirit of “The Bear.”
It’s one of the most well-known strains in the world, so you would think the knowledge that you shouldn’t smoke a joint of this shit to your face before throwing on “The Bear” would have gotten around by now. Well if it did, we missed the memo. Wait, Lionel is still working on the donut? What is he doing?! Dude, they are going to MURDER you, are you serious? Lionel, come on man, snap out of it! No don’t show him now! Not now! Oh fuck. Oh fuck.
Runtz has skyrocketed in popularity over the last few years, and it’s not hard to see why! With its sugary fruit flavor profile and euphoric, uplifting high you’ll be saying “Yes chef!” to just about everything. While many users claim this strain helps manage their anxiety, the top reported negative effect is anxiety, so it’s a bit of a dice roll. There’s a chance you maintain enough of a good vibe to be entertained by the drama of Berzatto and co, or there’s a chance you wind up starting a kitchen fire in your sleep. Let it rip!
This classic sativa dominant’s balanced high, bringing both cerebral stimulation and deep body relaxation, will trick you into thinking you’re on solid enough ground to handle 30 minutes of Chicago kitchen stress. The sweet berry aroma gives way to a delightful pine after finish and oh fuck Richie is going for his gun what the fuck is going to happen?! When paired with the “Fishes” episode Blue Dream can produce a powerful feedback loop of every trauma you’ve experienced or embarrassing thing you’ve said at a family function from the age of 10 to the present, and you’ll spend hours wondering if it will ever be over. Users may also experience dry mouth.
This sweet yet tart indica is known for its powerful sedative effects, so why am I letting a 4th episode of “The Bear” play? It’s 2:30 in the morning, and this shit is making me insane. I’m starting to get too anxious about the stress dreams binging this show is going to give me, so I guess I’ll keep watching it to stay awake? This feels like the beginning of a terrible spiral Chef.
One of the most legendary sativa strains of all time, Jack Herer’s earthy pine-scented nugs will energize your synapses and prime you for some extremely triggering kitchen drama. You’ll be hearing those pre-order tickets print long after the credits roll when you watch “The Bear” with ole Jack.
Cousin, this strain is the real deal! Let me tell you, I really really did not need “the real deal” right now! They knocked down all the walls?! They have black mold?! And everyone is just like “Oh well let’s truck along”?! After everything that’s happened, this late in the game, they just throw “Let’s rebuild the building” on top of the heap, how is anyone functioning under these circumstances? They’re all about to pop right? They’re all just going to burst like balloons one by one, any second. Whoops, clenched my fist so hard it drew a little blood.
Is this the right move for Sydney? I’ve never really questioned it till now but yeah, this restaurant is a huge risk, and Carmy doesn’t really seem to be holding up his end right now. Like has this show actually been about her trusting the wrong people and burning out this whole time? Is that the kind of track my life is on? God my coworkers steal my energy so much, that’s why I’m so stressed just watching a TV show. What if I’m the one making things suck though? I gotta get my head straight. Start working out. I should write that down in my notes app, right now—”Start working out.” Oh, weird, it looks like I already did that two weeks ago. Jesus. Oh my god, that ravioli looks so fucking good!
Don’t let its classification as a hybrid fool you. Gorilla Glue derives its name from the fact that it can induce some of the most intense couch lock you’ve ever felt in your life, and, fuck, you left the remote over on the chair. Oh man, “The Bear” seemed like a good idea 2 bong rips ago but now you’re not so sure. Eh, screw it. You can handle this. It’s a hit TV show for God’s sake. It’s technically a comedy! Oh my god, it’s so stressful. Oh my fucking god I forgot what working in a kitchen is like oh my god it’s so fucking stressful oh my god oh my god oh my god…
Well, this is one of the most aptly named strains we’ve ever tried because our pulse has gone supersonic! Our budtender said this strain was good for anxiety, did they mean causing it? If you want the true feeling of being locked in that walk-in with Carmie, muttering away the only good thing in your life while helplessly listening to everything you’ve built descend into chaos, Gary is here to take you to the paint.