Everyone’s heard of Nostradamus, that famous old French dude who was an expert at predicting world events. But what if I told you that I know someone who’s just as good, if not better, at guessing the future? That someone is my inner voice, and he’s magically foreseeing that I’m gonna get drunk tonight, like I usually do, and cause embarrassment to myself like I always do. I should probably call the media and tell them about this amazing oracle because if he’s right again the world needs to hear about it!
Sure, everyone does dumb stuff in their life, and I’m certainly no different. But how does the little guy that talks to me inside my brain know that I’m going to pound back some Johnnie Walker, then call my manager and tell him to take his job–which I desperately need or I’ll be out on the streets and eating from dumpsters within a week–and to shove it up his stupid, fat ass? It’s almost as if he’s seen this movie and all its sequels before. Uncanny.
Last time, he correctly predicted that I’d get arrested for what the police called “property damage” and “criminal harassment” after I tore up my previous boss Ron’s front lawn with my F150, before totaling it into the side of his house. Not only that, but he also mystically foretold that I’d get even more wrecked the following weekend and have a fistfight with my Uber, after they refused to be my getaway driver when they caught wind of my revenge plan to ambush Ron outside of the animal shelter the do-gooder volunteers at, and give him a good old-fashioned beatdown.
I dunno. Maybe I should spend less time trying to understand how this fortune teller works, and more time just appreciating his supernatural ability to forecast with absolute accuracy what will happen to me after I consume copious amounts of alcohol, which I only do Mondays to Sundays every single week of the year.
Technically a side project band called Tony All as the songs were written by original Descendents bassist Tony Lomardo. The lyrical content of the Descendents/All catalog is certainly juvenile with songs about farting, and girls, and being a loser, and farting, and burritos, and being a nerd, and more farting but in general, it has all had its own charm. But on “New Girl, Old Story” the charm wears a little thin and at times you have that second-hand embarrassment feeling of reading someone’s high school diary.
The first and only album All would release on a major label and it shows. You can almost hear the notes from the Interscope Records execs about accessible song structure and four-quadrant demographic reach. Ironically, the one song that was obviously meant to be the big breakout hit “Million Bucks” is actually the highlight of the album.
Was it some kind of strategy for record labels in the early 2000s to have bands put as many songs as possible on an album? Like, did they think if the CD had 18 songs on it people would be less likely to download it? (Ah, the good ole Napster days. When music was free and politics was a thing no one gave a shit about.) In any case, the fact that there are so many songs on this that all (tee-hee) kind of sound the same knocks it down a bit.
The very definition of a mid-ranked album. Aside from All classics “Simple Things” and “Just Like Them” every other song is utterly forgettable. They even killed Allroy on the cover maybe as a way to show this was a new direction they were taking the band in. Remember that scene in Spinal Tap when they try to become a free jazz band and just wing it live? This album kinda feels like that at times.
The writing and recording of “Mass Nerder” happened at the same time as Milo returned for the Descendents reunion album “Everything Sux.” Apparently there were a bunch of songs written for both and Milo and Chad Price split them up with half going toward Descendents and the other half going toward All. It seems Milo may have a more discerning ear for the hits though because the songs on “Everything Sux” are great and these are… fine?
The last All album that would have Scott Reynolds on vocals and also the first album after the band relocated from L.A. to fucking Missouri. Maybe it was the fact that rent was cheaper and that there is fuck-all to do in Missouri that the band had more free time to write music but “Percolator” is a definite improvement over the previous release “Allroy Saves.”
The first album with Chad Price on vocals who arguably has the best singing voice in the revolving door of the All frontmen. Bill Stevenson’s quick-fill drumming sounds bigger than ever and Stephen Egerton is channeling his inner Eddie Van Halen at times with the hammer-ons. The songwriting takes a bit of a turn and this could almost be considered their most mature sounding record. Or at least as mature as an album can be that has an eleven-second song about getting thrown out of a strip club.
Not included on the official ranking since it is an EP that really just sounds like a continuation of “Allroy Sez.” This was the last release with Dave Smalley singing his wholesome straight edge lyrics. “I can replace all the drugs that you take with the smile on my face” I’ve never done any drugs myself, with the exception of the ocean of caffeine currently coursing through my veins, but is his smile really better than shrooms, or ecstasy? I highly doubt it.
So there’s a punk urban myth that bassist Karl Alvarez was neighbors at one point with Matt Groening and had shown Groening the cover for All’s debut album on which he had illustrated the new band’s yellow, spikey-haired mascot Allroy and that Groening liked it so much he stole it to create Bart Simpson. Is it true? ‘The Simpsons’ first appeared in 1987 a full year before “Allroy Sez” so the timeline isn’t in favor of this but I like to believe it anyway. In any case this is the debut album full of late ‘80s SoCal ding dong angst with Dave Smalley at the helm bringing his post-Dag Nasty earnestnest.
Sometimes things just fall into place for a band to make their best stuff. After Smalley left his singing duties the band found Scott Reynolds who was literally living in his car at the time and recruited him as the new frontman. A real rags to slightly fewer rags story. Their pop-punk chops are honed to perfection and the crisp Cruz Records production of the ‘80s will make you want to grab your board and do a fastplant off a curb to impress some girls (don’t actually do this, you are way too old and will be brought in for questioning.)