Every Character From “The Matrix” Ranked by How Likely They Would Try to Get You to Invest in Crypto

Posted on by Trevor Graham

The world of “The Matrix” is a confusing apocalyptic hellscape built on technology inhabited by weirdos in cringey sunglasses who listen to terrible techno music and wield katanas while having a god complex about taking the red pill. So basically it’s exactly like the world of cryptocurrency in our present-day real-world dystopia.

The characters from “The Matrix” may be fictional, but so is the value of crypto. So we spooned up a bowl of protein mush and jacked into this world to rank every one of these characters based on how likely they would tell you to spend your money in the fake world of cryptocurrency.

Welcome to the desert of the real… insufferable assholes.

27. Spoon Boy

This self-righteous little twerp is probably too busy being all arrogant about his spoon-bending parlor tricks to pay attention to crypto. Although when asked what the value of Bitcoin is he would probably say “The truth is… there is no value.” And in this regard, he’s actually right.

26. Councilor Hamann

A boomer who has used his privilege to rise to a high level of power and is enamored by the water filtration system of Zion without understanding how any of it works. He’s not really the type to fully grasp what crypto is and is also probably too busy forwarding an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris eating a baby he saw on Facebook to get you to invest in anything.

25. Neo

Even though he is The Chosen One, ol’ Copper Top over here is too confused about what is happening in his surroundings to even know what a blockchain is. Sure, he can fly and bend reality and dodge bullets but can he make any sense of the crypto market?

24. Switch

She’s the only one out of Morpheus’ little cybergoth social club to wear white which means she’s at least contrarian enough to not go along with the crowd. She also is the only one who has no time for Neo’s nonsense. And since crypto is all nonsense, she’s not she’s not going anywhere near it.

23. Trinity

She’s already dealing with a reality where every action is controlled by a glitchy algorithm and doesn’t need another one promising her instant wealth. She’d probably rather jump out of a high-rise building than navigate the rollercoaster of crypto markets, where even Neo’s superpowers wouldn’t guarantee you won’t lose your shirt.

22. Dozer

He seems to be the only one in the scorched-Earth armageddon of 2199 to find time to hit the gym. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be into crypto but short-term investment wins don’t seem like the kind of gains he’s interested in.

21. Tank

Just because he is able to read the Matrix and see what’s happening doesn’t mean he’d be able to understand the crypto market. He’s already knee-deep in this technological nightmare and doesn’t need another complex system to debug—especially one with more crashes than his software.

20. Mouse

He’s got that lonely “nice guy” kind of energy that is usually attracted to crypto. But honestly, he doesn’t need wealth as a means to attract attention from the opposite sex when he probably spends all his time “jacking in” with the woman in red. Let’s just hope he cleans up those dentist chairs when he’s done.

19. Apoc

Apoc got killed because he was spending too much time online trying to be a hero and finding others who took the red pill. He may or may not be into crypto but we bet he probably stormed the Capitol on January 6.

18. Niobe

Hard to say if she’s into crypto or not but you should probably just go along with whatever she says otherwise her husband might just smack the shit out of you on live television.

17. Link

He’s already spent enough time unplugging people from shady simulations, and he’s not about to plug you into a financial black hole. He’s seen enough dodgy code in the Matrix to know that convincing you to invest in crypto might be just another elaborate trap set by the machines.

16. The Keymaker

A blue-collar tradesman with a job that gives him access to pretty much everything. Kind of like the janitor in “The Breakfast Club” he is the eyes and ears of this institution. So he doesn’t need some bullshit crytpo when he could just make a key and open up whatever you have locked up and take it. You know, like that Beanie Baby collection you keep holding onto in the hopes that it might be worth something again someday.

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Hot Topic Immediately Opens New Location Next To Tim Burton’s Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES — A brand new Hot Topic franchise opened for business on Hollywood Boulevard mere moments after acclaimed director Tim Burton received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, inoffensively spooky sources confirmed.

“Tim Burton has been this company’s bread and butter ever since emo music became irrelevant around 2007,” explained Hot Topic CEO Steve Vranes. “It only makes sense that anybody willing to journey all the way out here just to see their idol’s name etched into stone is naturally going to want to pick up some Jack Skellington fishnets and a ‘Coraline’ strobe light while they’re here. Plus there’s a Sbarro right across the street so they’ll nostalgically feel like they’re right back in the malls of their youth.”

Hollywood resident Arlo Snedder believes that the addition of the Hot Topic is in contrast to the neighborhood’s obvious cultural value.

“The Walk of Fame is an institution in the recognition of artistic accomplishment! This new store is just some cheap gimmick to rob hapless tourists of their disposable income,” bemoaned Snedder while selling hand-drawn maps to Zendaya’s house for forty dollars apiece. “It figures that these greedy corporations would try to cash in on a true artist’s achievement like this. This neighborhood used to be cool, but now it’s so commercial that it’s like having your name scribbled into a piece of concrete doesn’t even have any meaning anymore.”

Filmmaker Tim Burton expressed his appreciation for the honor he recently received.

“I just want to quickly say, to everyone who made this possible, that all ‘Corpse Bride’ sleeping bags are currently 15% off for a limited time! Oh yeah, and I guess the star thing is pretty cool too,” said Burton, who has thus far won three separate ‘Best Costume’ awards simply for walking into various Horror-Cons in his street clothes. “But seriously, I just want to say that we filmmakers don’t choose to make art because of awards or honors – we do it because when we see the smiling faces of the young creatives who spent all of their birthday check on an Ed Wood ventriloquist’s dummy, well that makes it all worthwhile.”

At press time, it was reported that a Spencer’s Gifts location had also recently opened directly next to the Walk of Fame star for Bob Marley.

Hike Put On Hold After Cool Stick Found

Posted on by Charles Bill

PORTLAND, Ore. — A local couple’s hike was put on hold after a really neat stick was found on the trail, blown away sources confirmed.

“Man this stick rules,” said chemical engineer and small branch enthusiast Greg Ware. “It was perfectly straight, no bumps or knots on it. It was about five feet tall, so it was perfect as a walking stick. I started spinning it around my head, pretending it was a sword. When my girlfriend Jenna told me to put it down so we could keep moving, I couldn’t hear her because I was too busy making lightsaber whooshing sounds and cutting down invisible stormtroopers. Sadly, while I was hitting it against a tree to get rid of the bark on it, the all-time great stick broke. Jenna didn’t understand why I had to take 15 minutes to mourn its loss.”

Although the stick provided Ware with a pleasant distraction, it was a source of great confusion for his girlfriend.

“This dipshit is always looking for sticks and I don’t get it,” said exasperated computer scientist Jenna Melman. “We were doing this long, exhausting hike, and it’s hot as hell. Greg just stops like he’s hit with a bolt of lightning and points at something in the distance before running off the trail to collect it. He was obsessed over it, he even called over guys who were hiking the other way, and they would take a full minute to gush over how cool the stick was. I shared a lot of annoyed looks with their girlfriends. It’s just a dead part of nature. Who cares? He kept talking about how he wanted to tie his pocket knife to the end in case a bear attacked us. Ugh.”

The desire for cool twigs and stems seems to be innate within men since time immemorial.

“For most of human history, survival was predicated on finding cool sticks,” explained evolutionary biologist Dr. Sandra Ryfield. “Ancient cavemen who found a good one were able to hunt with it. That hunting allowed them to find a mate and pass down their cool-stick-finding genes. The more cool sticks someone had, the greater their wealth was. Nowadays we don’t have such a need for sticks, but it is deeply ingrained in the human psyche to search for them. Also check out this one I found, it’s like a fuckin’ wizard’s staff.”

At press time, the hike was paused once again following the discovery of a really freaky bug.

Why I Smoke Weed Instead of Drinking and Also in Addition To Drinking

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Some people relax at the end of the day with a cold beer or a glass of wine, but not me, I prefer to smoke some weed! We all know the harmful effects of alcohol—liver disease, increased risk of cancer, bloating, hangovers—that’s just not for me. I prefer the natural, relaxing, and medicinal effects of marijuana. And then, yeah, sure, sometimes that buzz pairs nicely with a glass or two of merlot or a couple high-octane IPA’s but I’d much rather smoke weed than drink these days.

Ever since I stopped drinking and started using cannabis instead, I’ve really noticed a change in my mental state. I’m so much more chill. I don’t NEED a beer after a day of work. I need to smoke a bowl, and then maybe I WANT a refreshing beer afterward but that’s more, like, an appetizer for the Doritos Flamas tacos I’m making. I’ve gotten really into the culinary arts now that I’ve given up drinking in favor of cannabis.

Another great thing about weed is you can get high any time of day and there’s no social stigma attached to it. Drinking before 5 pm is a problem but wake-and-bake is a lifestyle. Smoke some weed before brunch. Get a couple of mimosas (those don’t count) or bloody Marys (basically a salad) and get down on some French toast!

The great thing about weed is it actually helps me focus where alcohol would just make me super unproductive. I like to smoke a joint and enjoy nature or do something creative like write poetry or paint. Sometimes I’ll walk to that pub on the corner and grab a drink while I doodle on a soggy napkin and look for faces in the patterns of grain of the wood barstools. It’s really a much more cerebral experience than drinking alcohol.

Ok, so every once in a while I get a bit TOO stoned and start to freak out a little. But it’s not like getting too drunk because when you’re too stoned you can just have a drink to knock the edge off the anxiety and it kinda brings you back to ground level.

So yeah, I basically don’t drink anymore. Except for after I smoke. Which I do every day.

Scene Elder Passes Down Oral History of Who Hates Who and Why

Posted on by Tim Graham

CHULA VISTA, Calif. — The patriarch of the local scene assembled the area’s young punks to hear an oral history of longstanding beefs, according to gossipy sources.

“So many of the O.G. crew have gone straight, died or left the area, so I’m the only one left that knows the full history of the scene. I’m not getting any younger, either,” said 43-year-old Henry “Oldhead” McIntyre. “I figured it was time to pass down my knowledge to the next generation. I brought together all the young bloods and regaled them with tales of the scene’s rich history. I covered everything from the origin of the feud between Rad Maggot and Pus Patrol to the saga of Eddie Scuzz, who cheated on Syd Silver with Maggie Kane only to end up with Phoebe from The Blank Czechs.”

Some members of the rapt audience expressed concern about who would take over stewardship of the scene should McIntyre die or get a real job.

“If something happens to Oldie, there’s gonna be a massive power vacuum,” said Marsha Skinner as she worked on a zine collecting McIntyre’s tales. “There are some guys waiting in the wings for their chance to become the area’s alpha punk, and it might get ugly. I’ve heard that Tex Hinton has been honing his gatekeeping skills in anticipation of being in a position to dictate to all of us what’s good and what’s shit. Gordie Floyd and Speck Stinson recently came to blows over who has the more comprehensive local seven inch collection. The scene is a pot ready to boil over.”

UCLA anthropology professor Adrian Conley says there are parallels between the way punk scenes function and how primitive societies operated.

“In both cases, we see small clans ruled over by an individual who has asserted their dominance either by cunning or a show of strength,” explained Conley while handling a Crass buttflap with forceps. “Usually there will be a group of weaker members beneath the chieftain who vie for the patriarch’s attention and contend among themselves in ritualistic competitions. In early societies, these challenges were resolved with violence. In punk scenes, they more often involve bouts where rivals try to outdo one another with their deep knowledge of obscure bands.”

At press time, the Chula Vista scene was reeling as McIntyre announced he would be leaving the area after inheriting his father’s Tallahassee, Florida condo.

Every Bolt Thrower Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Within the genre of extreme metal, there are bands that have cemented their places in history, and then there’s Bolt Thrower. For almost three decades, this five-piece from Coventry ensured their rightful seat amongst the all-time greats by using a Stokes mortar to pummel rabid metalheads to death and ground their corpses to smoldering ash. While other bands have tarnished their legacy by dabbling in nu-metal, far-right politics, or whatever the fuck Morbid Angel was doing in 2011, Bolt Thrower stuck to their roots and never released anything less than stellar. Ranking their audial minefield of albums can easily become a metaphorical minefield of angry comments, but after blasting their music nonstop for a week, we feel like we can withstand an artillery barrage. So don your Power Armour and assume command, fellow keyboard warriors, and get ready to unleash a vicious counter-assault of complaints our way.

8. Honour — Valour — Pride (2001)

Simply put, this album fucking rules. Rife with groovy riffs over driving double-bass that would make Maggie Smith throw down in the pit, its placement on this list is by no means an indicator that you should steer clear. The only issue here is the power kind of fading out towards the last couple songs (you’d better believe you’d be seeing this further down the list had the intensity of “Inside the Wire” been matched throughout every song.) Max out the volume on this bad boy and appreciate Dave Ingram’s sole contribution to the band, as he’s able to provide some Benediction-ass vocal work that’ll have you cowering in the nearest foxhole. No need to fret the absence of Karl Willetts’ apocalyptic roar, fellow death metal maniacs, as there’s plenty of him below.

Play it again: “7th Offensive”
Skip it: “Pride”

7. Mercenary (1998)

And the grooves keep coming. This effort sees a heavier focus on melody (we hear you, “Powder Burns”) without sacrificing the heaviness that fans at this point had come to expect. Throw in some really killer leads by guitarist Baz Thomson, and you’ve got a recipe for a musical onslaught that any other death metal band would renounce Satan to replicate. Our only beef with this album is similar to that of “Honour — Valour — Pride” in that the ceiling reached in its opening isn’t really matched through every subsequent song. With that being said, you haven’t really experienced a death metal show until you’ve seen the band perform the title track live. Oh, you never had the opportunity to see them live, and now likely never will because they called it quits in 2015? Suck it up, crybaby, and grab your helmet and mess tin. We have more albums to cover.

Play it again: “Laid to Waste”
Skip it: “To the Last…”

6. In Battle There Is No Law! (1988)

Good God! If you reach the end of this 30-minute attack and realize you haven’t taken a single breath, welcome to the club. While the frenetic, grind-heavy sound on the band’s debut would absolutely be refined in later offerings, there’s a definite charm to its crusty-ass production that we just can’t deny. The levels on the vocals aren’t really consistent throughout, but who gives a shit? This isn’t fucking math class. Slayer’s “Reign in Blood” had been fresh on everybody’s mind at the time, and you can detect the influence from the speed to the short, hellish guitar solos. If you don’t find yourself playing air guitar to the power chords in “Attack in the Aftermath,” you might as well just label yourself a conscientious objector to death metal.

Play it again: “Forgotten Existence”
Skip it: “Nuclear Annihilation” (but only because you’ve likely keeled over from cardiac arrest at this point)

5. The IVth Crusade (1992)

This one’s definitely a slow-down from their previous releases, which leads more doom-oriented death metalers to top their lists with it. The chaos is still very much there, but quite balanced with some nicely mid-paced portions. It’s thick and meaty, so you’d best come to the table hungry. Listen to “Ritual” enough times and you will permanently have a grimace of awed appreciation plastered on your face. Bonus points for the album cover, which probably caused the deaths of countless Romantic-era art fans who cluelessly purchased it out of curiosity. R.I.P. nerds.

Play it again: “This Time It’s War”
Skip it: “Through the Ages” (what is this, Hardcore History?)

4. War Master (1991)

HELL yes. 1991 was arguably the best year for old school death metal, and “War Master” is a shining exemplar amongst a class of shining exemplars. Crushing and frenzied while somehow maintaining a brooding atmosphere, this album toned down the speed just a hair to achieve a balance that’s as unsettling as it is driving. That opening riff of “What Dwells Within” is up there with the title track of “The IVth Crusade” in terms of recognizable Bolt Thrower moments. The fact that it’s only Number 4 on this list serves as a testament to how otherworldly this band is. Tuck those acid-washed Z. Cavaricci jeans under the tongues of your Reeboks and blast this from your boombox as you strut about the streets. We promise you’ll earn the respect of every metalhead you encounter.

Play it again: “Afterlife”
Skip it: The first 1:02 of “Unleashed (Upon Mankind)”

3. …For Victory (1994)

From the second riff of “War” you know you’re in for something special with this one, and that seamless transition into “Remembrance” will throw you into the battlefield whether you’re ready or not. It simply does not let up from start to finish, and the unbelievable hooks somehow only serve to make the songs more crushing. Add “When Glory Beckons” to your workout playlist and you’ll end up winning Mr. Olympia by default. The half-assed cover makes this album even better. A stock photo that looks like a screenshot from the opening theme of M*A*S*H will have to suffice if you’ve spent all your time and effort on writing winners. Fuck yes.

Play it again: “Lest We Forget”
Skip it: The 30 seconds or so of generic war sounds after “Armageddon Bound”

2. Those Once Loyal (2005)

The band chose to focus the subject matter of its swansong exclusively on World War I, and the end result is flawless. Bass badass (and only member to play on every album) Jo Bench maintains a mud-crunching tone that will give you trench foot, and the late, great Martin Kearns keeps a reserved pace that accentuates the heaviness of the riffs. The atmosphere on the title track is absolutely palpable, and the breakdown on “Salvo’ will leave you eager to storm the Saint-Mihiel salient. We may not have deserved an absolutely perfect final album from Bolt Thrower, but they made good and goddamn sure we got one.

Play it again: “The Killchain”
Skip it: LOL

1. Realm of Chaos: Slaves to Darkness (1989)

This album coupled its predecessor’s speed and energy with such a potent layer of groovy heaviness that the 1980s didn’t just end; they fled in terror. It’s the real deal, folks, and will get your entire Warhammer 40K meetup kicked out of Panera Bread when you toss it on for ambience. The cavernous, thundering sound matches the thematics perfectly, and your entire world will collapse upon you when the double-bass on the title track kicks in. If we ever have access to a time machine, traveling back to 1989 to watch unwitting metalheads get their skulls bludgeoned with this album when they first put it on will be top priority. No other historical alteration will take precedence.

Play it again: The entire album, in perpetuity
Skip it: “World Eater” (just kidding)

Donald Trump Promises To Bring Fruitopia Vending Machines Back to Public Schools if Elected in Latest Unhinged Rant

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — Former president Donald Trump told attendees at an outdoor rally that he would bring Fruitopia vending machines back to public schools within the first 100 days of his presidency if elected, puzzled sources confirmed.

“We will reinstall every Fruitopia vending machine, and those were beautiful machines, that were so cruelly and unfairly taken from us by the communists, Marxists, perverts, and radical left thugs who so desperately want to destroy our country and install Aquafina vending machines in their place,” Trump said as rallygoers behind him languished noticeably in the 104-degree heat. “They cheated you out of your cold and refreshing Fruitopia just as they cheated me out of the 2020 election, which everybody knows I won. They live like vermin within the confines of our beloved country, and only by voting for me will we be able to root them out and end their radical hydration-based agenda.”

Audience member Alex Burnside was initially confused by the former president, but soon found himself on board with the message.

“At first, I had no idea what he was talking about,” said Burnside just after bringing water to a nearby attendee who was suffering from heatstroke within full view of Trump. “Then I started to vaguely remember those colorful vending machines that had been in my high school in the late ‘90s. This is an outrage! I can’t believe Killary and the lying Democrats stole those from us, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They’ll stop at nothing to ruin the American way of life.”

Betina Pereira, Market Research Consultant at RTP Concepts in Atlanta, had serious doubts about the chances of Trump’s promise being carried out.

“Fruitopia was discontinued in the United States over two decades ago, after years of declining popularity and successful efforts by health experts based on the negative effects of high fructose corn syrup water being so readily available to students,” Pereira sighed. “It makes sense to me that Trump is nostalgic for it, but it really shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point that this is just another empty promise he’s making. It’s patently obvious that he’s just running for president to stay out of prison, so he’ll say anything at this point.”

At press time, Trump also promised to return the Supersize option back to McDonald’s, but by then he was in his third hour of speaking and most of the crowd had either fallen asleep or filtered out of the venue.

Malpractice? This Doctor Has Terrible Yelp Reviews but Still Won’t Sell Me Fentanyl

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I don’t know all of my legal rights as a patient, but what I do know is that for a guy with one star on Yelp, Dr. Jeremy Hanson sure is tight-ass when it comes to prescriptions. Look I’ve seen that John Mulaney special, so I know how this is supposed to go. I found the worst-reviewed doctor on Yelp and asked him point blank for highly addictive and dangerous drugs I don’t need. Dude has one star for a reason.

But this guy just looked at me and said “Opioid addiction is a serious problem in this country.” Thanks for the PSA, dork. If I wanted an analysis of the socio-economic issues plaguing the US, I would’ve asked Jake Tapper to be my plug.

He clearly doesn’t know who I am. Nobody doesn’t sell me illegal drugs. I’m not totally sure what “malpractice” means, but my dad’s lawyer friends do, and that’s what counts. Dr. Hanson will definitely be hearing from one of those guys as soon as I can figure out a way to make it seem like he’s the bad guy. I’m self aware enough to realize that on the surface I just seem like a self-entitled jerk with pretty serious addiction issues that I don’t want to address.

What’s even more ridiculous, is this quack tried to act like this was a really medical appointment. Saying things like, I have “high blood pressure” and “probably should eat less red meat” and “show signs of anxiety and depression”. Is this dork serious? If I wanted medical advice, I’d watch a video on YouTube that just confirms the viewpoint I already have. Nobody goes to a doctor for medical advice unless they have at least a million subscribers or have done a collab with Rogan.

Thankfully he did have the hookup on some nose candy, so at least I got to do a rail. It was some new stuff from the streets, that you apply topically. I mean he called it “hydrocortisone cream” and said it was for my “rash. But c’mon, with one star and reviews THAT low, we all know this ain’t rash cream. On an entirely unrelated note, my dermatitis has gone away, and my arthritis flare-ups have calmed down. Cocaine fucking rules.

Millennial’s Alcoholism Traced Back to Prolonged Exposure to Attitude-Era WWE as a Child

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PHILADELPHIA — Local 36-year-old Dennis Waller’s out-of-control alcohol problem can evidently be traced back to the large amount of mid-to-late ‘90s professional wrestling he watched religiously in his formative years, several “rudy-poo candy-ass” sources report.

“I don’t need to hear a bunch of jabronis pissin’ n’ moanin’ about how many cold ones I wanna knock back seven nights a week,” Waller explained while wearing a leather vest over his shirtless body. “If some soft sumbitch comes at me spoutin’ some nonsense about how I can’t drive because I drank beer from a firehouse for six hours, or wants to kick me out for stunnerin’ some jackass unconscious, I’ll open up a can of ass whoopin’ on um’ and that’s the bottom line. Also, if alcohol is so bad, why did Stone Cold Steve Austin make it look so damn cool?”

Wallers’ parents share a strong concern for the wellbeing of their son and those around him.

“If we had known he would turn out to be such an out of control drunk, we would have made him watch WCW instead,” Cindy Waller explained. “Dennis’ father and I completely forbade him from any WCW out of a fear that Eric Bischoff would make an impression on him. In that aspect, sure, we lucked out. But now he constantly gets hammered and gives people the middle finger before putting them in a headlock and trouncing them to the ground. If only we could turn back time and have him only watch ‘American Gladiators’ or ‘Reading Rainbow’ instead!”

Drug and alcohol counselor Dr. Martha Ellenstein says the correlation between 1990s programming and destructive behavior in adult life is quite alarming.

“If you’re in your mid or late 30s right now, chances are you were exposed to some traumatizing, habit-influencing television in your adolescent years and it has sadly ruined your chances at leading a happy life,” Dr. Ellensein explained. “I have one 34-year-old patient whose life was ruined by watching too much ‘Biker Mice from Mars’ as a child. It influenced him to become one of those people who owns rodents as pets. Clearly, his chances at friendship, love, or family bonding are impossible. That’s almost as bad as my patient who insists on living in a van like Cody from ‘Step by Step.’”

At press time, Waller’s current job as an undertaker was somehow traced back to his fandom of professional wrestler Undertaker.

Arms Dealer Makes Everyone Hang Out With Him Before They Buy Weapons

Posted on by Travis Tack

TOLLAND, Mass. — Local arms dealer Alex Corman made a reputation for himself by forcing his clients to hang out with him before they purchase any deadly weapons, confirmed sources who were in a hurry to leave.

“My clients range from governments, revolutionaries, private security firms, and guys who want to defend their studio apartments from danger — and I make them all hang out in my living room so I can have someone to talk to. Being an arms dealer can be quite lonely,” Corman explained. “It’s a simple system: If you want high-quality, reliable weaponry, you need to sit on my couch and watch me play Xbox for two to three hours. And, frankly, I think it’s working because, when those people finally leave my house? I’ve never seen anyone look happier.”

But while the practice has earned Corman quite the reputation, not everyone finds it entertaining.

“I don’t have time for this. I just want to buy a bunch of semiautomatic rifles so we can arm a South American militant group and stage a coup, but this guy won’t stop talking about how lizards smell by using their tongues to capture air particles. Sure, it’s a fun fact, but at what cost?” bemoaned an anonymous guerilla fighter. “I’ve started making up emergencies so I can get out of there quicker. Last week, I told him my grandmother was in the hospital. I shouldn’t have to do that. No one should be held hostage like that just because they need anti-tank weapons.”

In fact, Corman’s practices are so controversial, that it’s become a topic of discussion among federal law enforcement.

“It’s incredibly boring to monitor. Some people showed up the other week trying to buy uranium and he made them all listen to his new lo-fi trip hop album. It’s unbearable. You can almost hear the terrorists losing the will to live,” said Special Agent Harvey Wiggins of the ATF. “We’ve collected tons of evidence at this point, but no one wants to arrest the guy because they’d have to drive all the way out there and listen to his drawn-out anecdotes.”

At press time, Corman wondered if he should rethink his business model after seeing he had a two-star rating on Yelp and Google.