Con Artist Gives Up On Dream and Becomes Con Accountant

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local man Vincent Metcalf quit his longtime dream of becoming a con artist to become a con accountant, confirmed sources who were sad to see someone with that much talent go to waste.

“Let’s be honest, in today’s economy, I have to be a bit more practical if I want to get by and the money you make from con artistry is just too unpredictable,” said Metcalf. “Plus, there aren’t any benefits. If someone was to beat the ever-living shit out of me after they caught me scamming them, I’d be in big trouble financially. I need something more stable. Con accounting seems to be just that. All I need to do is fudge a few numbers on an Excel file and cook a few books, and I’ll still get a similar thrill. On top of that I’ll get a 401(k) that I will funnel right into my side hustle of con woodworking where I will sell my stuff on Etsy and only use pics that aren’t representative of the amateur product.”

Peer con artist Jenn Pilster was disappointed to see her friend give up on his dreams.

“Vinny had a real knack for swindling unsuspecting rubes,” said Pilster before conning 20 bucks off of a nearby 85-year-old woman. “Sure, he was a struggling con artist, but we do this for the love of the craft, not the monetary compensation. Hell, even the most famous con artist Vincent ‘Scam’ Gogh didn’t get financially rewarded for his work until after he passed away. It’s rough out there con artisans. From time to time, I even think of selling out and becoming one of those MLM pyramid scheme people. At least that way, I’d have some dignity.”

Kevin Metcalf was proud to see his son be a bit more level-headed in his career.

“After he attended con artist school in the streets of Iowa, I always tried to drill into him that he needs a backup plan,” said the father of three. “We wanted him to be a con doctor or a con firefighter, but we’ll settle for a con accountant, if it means he can afford a roof over his head. His grandfather was one of the greatest con lawyers the court system had ever seen, so we are happy to see him kind of following in his footsteps.”

At press time, Metcalf felt extremely scammed himself after seeing his student loan payment balance from attending accounting school.

Yes, I Used the Money From My Parents’ Death To Buy a House, but I’d Give It All Back for One More Chance To Scream at Them for Ruining My Life

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In the quiet aftermath of loss, when the world seems to grind to a halt and grief hangs heavy in the air, there’s a stark, biting realization that often follows. For me, that realization came with the cash purchase of my new home—a place of my own, bought entirely with the money from the estate, savings accounts, and life insurance policies from my parents’ untimely demise. Sure, it’s a lavish escape from the daily grind, a token of their final gift to me, but I would trade it all just to be able to scream at them one final time about what terrible people they were.

The initial mourning period was just that – initial. Now, with the dust settled and the paperwork completed, I’m left with a 3,000 square feet of livable space and profound sense of regret—not for the financial windfall, but for the missed opportunity to let my parents have it one last time, like really let them know what I think of them. To scream at them, to let them know exactly how they scarred my life. To blame my dad for not letting me go to Allen Tucker’s house party when I was 15 and to remind my mom what a bitch she is, for no particular reason.

I’ll never again be able to throw a tantrum over the times they’d made me go to family gatherings when I clearly wanted to stay home. The endless critiques of my career choices, which they never hesitated to remind me were subpar compared to their lofty expectations. And who could forget the incessant nagging about my lifestyle, or their inability to remember my friends’ names, or their obsession with the men I dated? All of these were little wounds that festered over time, each one a reminder of how they fell short in their parental duties.

Every corner of my new mansion holds a haunting echo of what might have been. A grandiose living room where I could have flung my frustrations about the time they forgot my birthday. A spacious kitchen where I could have thrown a pot of spaghetti against the wall when my mother critiqued my cooking skills. I could have turned the home theater into a shrine of grievances, with a rotating photo collage of failed expectations and unmet promises.

I would gladly trade every square foot of this luxury and comfort it affords, for just one more opportunity to scream at them about the countless ways they let me down. The walls of this new home may be adorned with my success, but they are haunted by the echoes of pent up rage.

So here I sit, in my expansive new abode, surrounded by opulence that was once intended to comfort me. But the real comfort would have been to face them, to unleash a torrent of frustration, and to let them know how deeply they had ruined my life. I’d trade this entire house in a heartbeat for that one more chance—to yell at the ghosts of my past and demand they answer for not buying me AppleBottoms in 2006.

Elon Musk Has Bright Vision of Future Where Humanity Thinks He’s Worst Person on Multiple Planets

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confirmed sources who just assumed extraterrestrials despised him already.

“This is one of the main reasons I bought Twitter. I wanted to soft launch this vision digitally where I had a platform to test my dream,” said Musk before discovering that nearly three-quarters of his children blocked him on X and the rest didn’t even have an account. “Intergalactic notoriety has been a goal of mine since I was a little boy from the minute I stared directly into the sun for 35 consecutive seconds. First, SpaceX will establish a civilization on Mars where citizens will probably not understand my message of free speech, and that I only ban people on X because I just don’t like their vibe. Next, we’re coming for Saturn. I mean, not only is that ring badass as hell, but I’m sure it won’t cost that much to buy from NASA. After all, the universe is my oyster.”

Musk fans were thrilled to hear about his plan of cosmic infamy.

“As the proud owner of a Cybertruck picture that I took last week, I couldn’t be more excited for Elon’s planetary dominance,” said David Kelenic. “This man has literally done no wrong, if you don’t count the COVID misinformation, right-wing conspiracy theory amplification, antisemitism, and his atrocious appearance on Saturday Night Live. Can’t we just give the man a break? He’s just trying his best as a billionaire, who could easily solve world hunger but chooses to purchase dying social media platforms instead.”

According to experts, this type of behavior in powerful men isn’t exclusive to Musk.

“Businessmen with that amount of net worth are always 100% pieces of shit to begin with,” said pundit Grace Johannson. “But for some reason, Elon likes to have that be his thing and make it front and center for all that he does. Of course, others have attempted this feat as well. For instance, Jeff Bezos once tried interdimensional douchebaggery. Even Mark Zuckerburg wanted someone to figure out how to travel back in time so that he can be hated during the Renaissance too. Luckily, they’ve all failed. As of now.”

At press time, Musk expanded on this bright vision of the future by outlining his dream of becoming hated among the sea life in the depths of the Pacific Ocean.

30 Death Cab for Cutie Songs That Might Just Be the Cause and Not Solution to Your Seasonal Depression

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s that time of year again. The sun starts setting before lunch, you exchange your summer beanie for your cold weather beanie, and the Death Cab for Cutie-induced depression starts creeping in. Some hypothesize that the change to colder temperatures and less daylight can result in temporary mental drear. But in reality, it is the sole cause of singer/songwriter Ben Gibbard’s music.

To prevent four to six months of depression, here are the 30 Death Cab songs you should absolutely avoid at all costs to maintain a healthy mental state this season. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. “Your New Twin Sized Bed” (2008)

Ben Gibbard is an exceptionally talented lyricist who writes beautiful songs that resonate with Millennials of all ages, and he simply must be stopped for the sake of everyone’s collective mental wellness.

29. “Tiny Vessels” (2003)

For every Death Cab song you listen to this autumn, you have to hear a good four or five ska tracks to undo the psychological damage. So if you want to avoid Reel Big Fish, stick with something more neutral. Like Cannibal Corpse.

28. “Asphalt Meadows” (2022)

At one point, Ben Gibbard started ultra running, including 50k and 100k races. Clearly this man’s level of depression has reached the “running 50 miles at a time” stage. So when doctors tell you that exercise alleviates the symptoms of depression, just show them any Death Cab for Cutie album post-2015 and Ben’s race times, and prove them all wrong.

27. “Brothers on a Hotel Bed” (2005)

Hope you have one of those therapeutic mood lights because that’s the only thing that will combat the effects of “Brothers on a Hotel Bed.” If that doesn’t work, you could try industrial grade fog lights on your bedside table. Otherwise, there’s no hope this season.

26. “Transatlanticism” (2003)

Once you’ve reached isolated piano note levels of Death Cab depression, your best bet is to wait it out until the weather gets above 65 degrees and you can finally leave your home. This too shall pass, as long as you turn off the “Transatlanticism” once and for all.

25. “Bixby Canyon Bridge” (2008)

If you’re looking for solutions to your seasonal depression, look way further than Ben Gibbard-fronted bands. Unfortunately, not even the Postal Service will save you, like it theoretically should.

24. “We Laugh Indoors” (2001)

Have we as a society tried straight up pausing all sad indie music from October through March and replacing it with “Who Let the Dogs Out”? If SSRIs don’t work, Baha Men might.

23. “Your Heart Is an Empty Room” (2005)

“Your Heart Is an Empty Room” is the official song of walking outside alone during a light drizzle while dead leaves smack you in the face and you don’t look up from your blink-less gaze at the sidewalk the whole time. It’s that good.

22. “No Sunlight” (2008)

Even this song title highlights one of the major causes for depression. A lack of sunlight and its healing vitamin D properties will only make you want to lie face down on your living room floor every night until the sunshine comes back next year. Death Cab may have inadvertently endorsed vitamin deficiencies.

21. “Marching Bands of Manhattan” (2005)

If you want to avoid Death Cab-induced seasonal depression, you’re going to have to wait until the summer to play this band. More specifically, wait until it’s 80 degrees in July to play “Marching Bands of Manhattan” for everyone at your pool party. They’ll all thank you later.

20. “Amputations” (1998)

Please be careful this fall when choosing music from a Death Cab for Cutie era. ’90s Death Cab can be almost as dangerous as their 2000s work. If only they didn’t write such beautiful music, so we can avoid them year-round.

19. “A Movie Script Ending” (2001)

Being drawn to music with jangly guitars is typically the first sign of mental despondency. The next sign is craving a track with a song structure that could instantly induce depression in Disney adults at Disney. There’s a reason they don’t play 2000s Death Cab on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

18. “Meet Me on the Equinox” (2009)

This one landed on the “Twilight” soundtrack and Robert Pattinson hasn’t been the same since. I mean, even his Batman was somber as hell instead of badass as shit. Ben, look what have you done to Bruce Wayne.

17. “Title and Registration” (2003)

Scientists have theorized that Death Cab for Cutie’s discography could reverse the positive effects of exercise and a good night’s sleep, which reverses the negative effects of depression. This never-ending cycle can be averted by avoiding Death Cab music and working out altogether.

16. “I Dreamt We Spoke Again” (2018)

Listen, it’s not Ben’s fault that he’s been blessed with the ability to induce a low mood mental state through the magic of song. He’s just embracing his destiny and we must all experience a sudden loss of interest in our hobbies as a result of his gift.

15. “What Sarah Said” (2005)

As the official band of seasonal depression, Death Cab for Cutie excels at making us subconsciously stare at a blank wall for an hour before getting out of bed and forget to eat lunch even though it’s our favorite meal of the day. They can’t keep getting away with this. Our pre-made sandwiches simply cannot expire in our refrigerators any longer.

Pages: 1 2

Former Band Members Have to Pretend They Don’t Know Each Other At AA Meeting

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

NEW ORLEANS — A weekly Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting was recently attended by all three former members of the band Cyanide Churro, who individually arrived hoping to address their drinking problems brought on by working with the other two.

“This is supposed to be anonymous,” said vocalist and bassist Kate Bernard. “So I guess I need to pretend I haven’t passed out naked with two other people here. I know that John has a kidney-shaped birthmark on his left buttcheek, for God’s sake. At one point, I stood up and threatened to bitch-slap Dave over an incident we had at this bar called Genteman Rodney’s. And then I had to immediately sit back down and say: ‘No. I do not know this person. We have never met.’ But I have met Dave I see him three times a week at least. And he knows what he did.”

The band, whose sound was described as “lo-fi-dixieland-space-swamp-cow-punk,” sent shockwaves of moderate disappointment through the hearts of a few online fans when it dissolved earlier this year.

“If you’d been there, you’d be a drunk too,” said lead guitarist John Corbeau. “It was all this constant bickering of ‘whose apartment do we rehearse in today?’ And ‘whose spouse is gonna man the merch table at the coffee shop tonight?’ Or ‘who begs their parents to fund our music video?’ It was exhausting. And when we weren’t fighting or working our day jobs, we were competing sexually. I don’t think any of us had a choice but to get shit-faced twenty-four-seven. Music’s hard. And frankly, not worth it.”

Though tensions were high between the Cyanide Churro members, perhaps no one suffered more than the regularly attending AA members who were just trying to get a hold on their sobriety.

“I’ve noticed that John, Dave and Kate bring a certain energy to the room when they attend meetings,” said group chair Matt Zubrowski. “A lot of cold glances and angry mutterings. A lot of snide laughter and throat clearings when one of them is sharing their stories. I know it’s redundant to say this here, but it’s a real buzz-kill. Some of us actually fell into alcoholism for reasons other than being trust fund kids in some sort of throuple.”

At press time, the former members of Cyanide Churro were avoiding eye contact as they walked to their cars, each blissfully unaware they will also run into each other at the same Sexaholics and Debtors Anonymous meetings later this week.

We’re Doomed: This Bank Heist Crew Said They’d Let All Hostages Go if You Can Name Every Member of Bowling for Soup and Specify if They’re Alive or Dead Without Googling

Posted on by Eric Farwell

Former cover band and current heist team, Joe G. Whiz and the Egg Heads, are saying they’ll release every hostage in this PNC Bank if they can name each founding member of pop-punk group Bowling For Soup, and correctly identify if they’re alive or dead without looking it up. I don’t know if we’re going to make it out of here alive.

Initially, everyone was worried about not even knowing what Bowling For Soup was, but Jon Wag, an aging millennial in a Reel Big Fish t-shirt, was able to help everyone remember the group was maybe a novelty act, or at least had songs featuring a nasal singer and inoffensive guitar riffs that could easily be confused with ten other bands releasing music at the time. Optimistic, the nine other people in the bank asked Wag if they were a fan and might know the requested information. However, the millennial shared “I was more of a Sugarcult fan.”

The group set about trying to jog their memories for any information that might help them leave the bank safely. Things stalled when Anne Pretz, a realtor, suggested the band was featured on the 2002 Spider-Man movie soundtrack, and Ken Tellorico, a drunk, rolled up the leg of his pants to show off his tattoo of the artists on that soundtrack and pointed to each one as he explained who they were and what their contribution was. After a lengthy diatribe on Saliva and Josey Scott, Karen and Dane Bergabogen, two parents in their 60s, recalled that the bassist was fat or used to be fat, or maybe had a big beard. Pretz suggested everyone try and guess what someone fitting that description might be named. Realizing the task was impossible, one person, Jerrod Tilins, a producer, mentioned he played bass, which prompted three others to mention that they play bass in some group. Hope rose that one of them played in Bowling for Soup, but the musicians were in local bands only.

Some ground was gained when Savvi Saturoaka, a barista, realized she remembered a cover song called “1985,” prompting everyone to remember and say, inexplicably, “something Madonna/ Way before Nirvana” in a half-singing, half-speaking voice. A singalong broke out, lifting spirits in the process. However, an issue arose when some people sang “Girl All the Bad Guys Want,” instead of “1985.” One lone voice, Kevin Marble, an architect, sang “Life After Lisa,” further confusing everyone as to who exactly Bowling for Soup were.

Apparently my fellow hostages have agreed their best course of action is to try and goad Joe G. Whiz or one of the Egg Heads to order a pizza, at which point they will shout their question in the hopes that the teen taking their order will have nothing but time to look up how alive a very early 00s pop band is.

When Mr. Whiz opened a window to do some lemon-flavored vaping, he was asked by a reporter about how one comes up with such a demand. “When you play the VFW, jam at weddings, or get the bar mitzvah hopping for over 20 years, you remember a lot of one-hit wonders. Bowling for Soup might be the onest of one-hit wonders.”

Rumor has it Mr. Whiz and company are rethinking their plan after being exhausted by how obvious everyone is being in their attempt to order a pizza and ask about the members of a US band that now plays mostly in the UK.

HR Rep Already Knows Who’s Going to Get Fired for Wearing Blackface for Halloween

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween season, nervous employees report.

“When you work in corporate HR for as long as I do, you develop a skill to suss out who in the office is going to throw common sense out the window and wear blackface for an ill-conceived topical Halloween costume. And since this has become an ongoing issue thanks to these idiots popping up on social media, I started the termination paperwork now so they’re gone before the public finds out these idiots worked here,” said Annie Washington. “I’ve developed my own algorithm to narrow them down. If they’re between the ages of 24 to 29, were active in Greek life at a Southern college, and pay for a blue checkmark on X, then there’s a 99% they’re dressing up as Mark Robinson, Simone Biles, or a ‘Haitian Pet Eater.’”

The mood in the office has become tense after employees discovered HR had their eyes on specific individuals.

“Well don’t look at me, I’d never do a thing like that, even though I don’t understand why anyone would be offended over a costume. Someone else, I mean! Anyway, last time I checked this was America and we have a little something called freedom of expression,” said Junior Sales Associate Mark Donahue. “Annie can’t prove anything just because she overheard me at lunch talking about where to find grease paint and ‘Blacks for Trump’ merch. It absolutely doesn’t prove I’m going to do something to get canceled at my cousin’s Halloween party. Allegedly!”

Job coaches and recruiters have changed their tactics due to inevitable yearly occurrences of blackface costumes.

“Racist costumes were bad enough before social media captured everything, but anyone who does it now is a walking PR nightmare waiting to happen. Before we send any of our candidates to a work site, they have to watch a four-hour video introducing the concept of negative consequences and how dressing up as racial caricatures is bad. It sounds like common sense, but some folks need it beaten into them,” said Jenny Lanning. “We’ve lost clients because of multiple temps not knowing dressing up as OJ Simpson and posting it on Instagram was a bad thing.”

After some consideration, Washington had the employees she’d suspected fired preemptively after confirming their group costume would be based on the film “Cool Runnings.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because We Didn’t See the Northern Lights, Again

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Do you guys also feel like there is just way too much music coming out nowadays? Lucky for you, we’re here to pick a handful of new releases every week and spoon-feed them to you in a handy-dandy playlist. Now you have no excuse for listening to the same dozen songs since 2004.

The Linda Lindas “No Obligation”

Sometimes some angry garage punk about being fucking pissed off at some idiot just really does the trick. The Linda Lindas are here to deliver that exact order with the title track from their second full length album “No Obligation.” Coming in at just two minutes long, this song is the perfect rager (with all-around impressive musical performances) to play while screaming into a pillow and burning a bunch of old photos because, as they so aptly note, who cares ‘bout their validation?

Chat Pile “Frownland”

Self-described “slacker Okies” Chat Pile is making some of the most exciting music in the underground scene right now, though it’s hard to call them “underground” still when their previous release got them on a Pitchfork best-of list. We’re here to put them on a much less reputable but also less annoying list of our own with their new LP “Cool World.” “Frownland” offers an oppressively heavy soundscape that never ventures into plodding or cliché and has us donning our official Hard Times stank faces.

Zeta “Privilege”

If you have not heard of Venezuelan post-rock outfit Zeta, this needs to be remedied immediately. Their most recent single “Privilege” is an intoxicating mix of atmospheric vocals and production, their signature polyrhythmic drums, and an undeniable angst that make it irresistible to any sad fucks out there who want to spice up their old playlist. Blast this one when you and your significant other are having an argument on the balcony during a lightning storm.

Thirdface “Midian”

One of our contributors described Nashville outfit Thirdface as the “most underrated group in hardcore” and after listening to “Midian,” we are inclined to agree. Do you like Botch but wish the vocals were somehow more insane? Are you going to the SPY/Full of Hell/Better Lovers tour? Then you need to be making yourself infinitely cooler and listening to Thirdface’s next album when it drops in November. That’s an order.

The Barbarians of California “Dopamine Prophecy”

A new heavy metal side project by AWOLNATION frontman Aaron Bruno, called The Barbarians of California, recently released their debut LP and holy cow, it’s really good. “Dopamine Prophecy” alternates between frantic, tortured, and wrathful vocals, with the backing instrumentation expertly oscillating tempos as well. This whole album has us very excited about what utterly panicked, brutal shit they will cook up next.

Gacharic Spin “SPEED GAME”

Japanese pop-rock group Gacharic Spin has been cranking out crazy jazzy fusion jams since the early Obama administration, and they show no signs of stopping with their newest album “Feast.” Think of “SPEED GAME” as a CASIOPEA track on salvia. When you eventually wind up in purgatory for writing Primus fanfiction, this is what the soundtrack to Mario Kart is gonna sound like down there. Sold yet?

If you liked these selections and want dozens more, check out the full playlist with more songs added every week:

Opinion: Show Me in the HOA Laws and Regulations Guide Where It Says I Can’t Hang “Audition” Themed Halloween Decorations Outside My House

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, when I decided to buy a home in this community, I thought I’d enjoy a little bit of freedom in how I express myself on my own goddamn property. However, this ever-present policing over the decisions I make has gotten a little ridiculous, and since you’re holding the HOA Laws and Regulations in your hands right now, why don’t you show me the rule that specifically prohibits me from hanging “Audition” themed Halloween decorations outside my house? I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now why don’t you be a good little board member and kindly excuse yourself from my front yard?

What do you mean by “gratuitous and needlessly violent imagery” anyway? I’ve noticed you haven’t been pestering Bill Holdsworth over his headless horseman display, so why should you have a problem with my footless, near-naked man on all fours eagerly lapping up a bowl of fresh vomit? Talk about a double standard. And feel free to measure the height and width; I was pretty meticulous about staying within regulation there.

Oh, you’re not even going to bother? So you’re here to harass me about the rules you think I’ve violated and you’re not even willing to part with a single word of praise for the ones I’ve followed? You know what? I think you just have it out for me. Well, I’m not budging. Sue me.
Actually, please don’t sue me.

Don’t touch that Gigli saw! If you were on my lawn to admire and not admonish, I’d let you inspect more closely, but you’re clearly here in bad faith. And yes, it’s very sharp and hanging directly in the path of oncoming trick-or-treaters. Halloween is supposed to be scary. That’s the point! Haven’t you ever been to a haunted house?

OK, I’ll concede that the pre-recorded sounds of somebody groaning in impotent agony as needles are inserted under his eyes don’t need to stay on after 11PM. I’m big enough to admit that I didn’t think that one through, so we can find a compromise there. The bloody, detached foot stays, though. I don’t care how “shockingly vile and utterly lacking in taste” you think it is. That’s just your opinion, and it’s a poor one that’s been expressed rather rudely, at that.

And yes, not like it’s any of your business, but the dead dog is real. At least it’s taxidermied. I learned my lesson from last year’s “Gummo” display. Are we done here? You appear pretty determined to continue this absurd witch hunt, and I need to finish tweaking the flapping mechanism on this severed tongue. I guess we can continue this discussion at my disciplinary hearing. Same time and place as last year?

JNCO Warns US Strategic Denim Reserve Could Be Depleted If Nu Metal Revival Intensifies

Posted on by Tim Graham

LOS ANGELES — Garment company JNCO says renewed interest in their extra-wide legged jeans could result in a devastating shortage of denim, wallet-chain wearing sources confirm.

“We haven’t seen orders like this since the late ‘90s,” said JNCO VP of sales Richard Turnbull. “There was a time when it looked like we’d have to close our doors, but suddenly Gen Z discovered System of a Down and we’ve been going gangbusters ever since. Now we’re on the verge of running out of material as our signature pants require 20 times the amount of denim per unit as a regular pair of jeans. The federal government has complied with our request to tap into the Strategic Denim Reserve, which was established to mitigate such disruptions or shortages. It’s certainly helping, but will it be enough to satisfy demand?”

22-year old nu metal fan Alexis Domingo says she’ll be devastated if JNCOs become impossible to get.

“I’m not going to buy Temu knock-offs—I want the real thing,” said Domingo while binge-watching camcorder videos of ‘90s skaters in huge jeans. “I see some chumps buying Kevin Smith pants from big and tall stores and cinching their belts super tight, but it’s not the same. It looks like shit and comes off as desperate. I’m saving up to get my first JNCOs soon. But now I’m hearing rumors about shortages and denim rationing. I just can’t show up to a Korn show in skinny jeans.”

Department of Commerce Press Secretary Charlie Andrews stresses the importance of the US maintaining primacy in the global denim market.

“Since the invention of the humble blue jean, domestic denim manufacturing has been intrinsically linked to the United States’ identity as the vanguard of freedom itself,” said Andrews. “Jeans are an indelible symbol of America’s spirit of individualism and liberty. While the federal government does not condone the attitudes expressed in so-called ‘nu metal’ music, we cannot deny the genre’s uniquely American expression of fierce independence. Rest assured, we will be subsidizing increased denim production to ensure the reserve is not exhausted. God help us all if China steps in and gets a foothold in the giant jeans market. ”

At press time, Domingo had finally acquired a pair of JNCOs, but was reportedly ejected from a Limp Bizkit concert after using the pants to smuggle several cartoonishly-long hoagies and a three-foot bong into the venue.