WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth with little obstruction, cigar-smoking sources confirmed.
“There are only two things standing in our way right now. One of them is Kamala Harris and we are convinced we can get her to play ball if she’s elected, the other is that pesky Captain Planet and his love for all living things. His appreciation of nature’s majesty makes me physically ill and I can’t wait to capture him and burn him alive inside a stack of old tires,” said The Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts while dumping large pieces of styrofoam into a river. “I’m close friends with Hoggish Greedly and the way Captain Planet treats him is shameful. Hoggish is a titan of industry who creates jobs. Captain Planet and the Planeteers are just a bunch of radical liberals who hate the American way of life.”
Linka, the Planeteer who has the power of wind, says she is well aware that they are being targeted ahead of the 2024 election.
“All of us Planeteers were doxxed last year and ever since then we have these mouth-breathing goons outside our apartments fucking with our recycling bins and e-bikes,” said Linka. “Some of them are pretty aggressive. But thankfully they are all so out of shape they can never actually catch me. I just do a light jog down the block and then they get winded and scream some nonsense about personal liberties. I’ve been a Planeteer for over 30 years, I thought things would be better by now.”
Captain Planet himself issued a stern statement to The Heritage Foundation after being summoned by the Planeteers.
“All I want to do is spread a message of love and have all of humanity live in harmony within the beauty of nature, but these Project 2025 queefs are getting on my last nerve,” said the green-haired superhero. “You fuck with the Earth you fuck with me. Gaia has instructed me to start laying waste to anyone who continues to pollute our planet. The funny thing is I’m mother-fucking invincible, I can survive in fucking space. These people can’t destroy me. But I can cave their fucking faces in with one punch, and I might just have to start exploding some heads.”
At press time, The Heritage Foundation was thrilled to announce they received a sizable donation from billionaire Bruce Wayne.
Yes, the ninth installment was produced solely so Dimension Films could retain franchise rights. Yes, this was made in less than three weeks. Yes, this may be one of the worst horror films you’ve ever seen. Still, you absolutely love it. You’ve seen it umpteen times. You use the “found footage” aspect as justification to film more vacations together, even maybe in Mexico per the film. You mention that this is the first release of the franchise (unfortunately) without Doug Bradley as Pinhead, showing how we can change and grow past old attachments. You use it as an example of how powerful a shared vision can be: when you come together as a team, you can complete a project in record time (even if it is a hot mess, oddly comparable to your neglected marriage.)
“This one has a party train! Wouldn’t using public transportation be more fun? We could be a conscientious couple,” you plead, showing clips of the seventh installment. The dreary Romanian setting does you no favor. But there is an ambitious female journalist as a protagonist (a recurring theme of the series), one that you accidentally and condescendingly point to as a potential role model. “Please turn this off,” the therapist asks, especially during the unpleasant black and white flashbacks. Your wife mocks the title: “Deader? Really?” and for some reason, this makes you begin to cry. Not to worry, you’re able to dry your eyes with the collar of your official Pinhead flannel from Hot Topic.
“The tenth one isn’t that bad!” you find yourself saying. When has the tenth installment of anything been worthwhile? How fortuitous that you’re about to unpack ‘Hellraiser: Judgment’ in this cramped office. New characters! You’ve gotta love The Auditor. Also, this one has a sense of humor! Sharing jokes from this film with those stuffy executives is actually why you lost your old job. Significant as the last film in the series before it was all rebooted, the end of an era. You want to hold space and recognize how major this entry is, as personally significant as your marriage. If anything the ‘Hellraiser’ series teaches you to set expectations, be realistic, embrace “what is.” This backfires, as your wife doesn’t appreciate the comparison of your marriage to the “direct-to-video” tenth installment of a supernatural horror franchise.
The final film here to have a theatrical release, you use ‘Hellraiser’ entry number four to illustrate creativity and potential. The multiple time period plot device sees this film oscillate between the 1790s, current day and centuries into the future with scenes set aboard a space station. However, it’s Adam Scott’s presence that you use as an illustrative point. “Look where he started, and now look at him! He’s Adam Scott! Just like our marriage, we have potential to grow.” Both the therapist and your wife encourage moving away from vague meaningless metaphors. You at least point to the canine Cenobite as justification for potentially adopting a pet. Your wife vetoes the idea, citing every dead houseplant in your cramped one-bedroom apartment.
The sixth film has the best ending of the franchise, hands down. They bring back Ashley Laurence, an actress from the earliest roots of the franchise! What a fantastic return. The therapist’s patience is tried as you fast-forward to the finale, making an illustrative point on finishing strong, a.k.a. seeing this marriage through to the end. Your wife asks you to skip the acupuncture scenes as she has a fear of needles. You ask her “How could you have a fear of needles? I talk about Pinhead all the time!” She explains that this is exactly the kind of disconnect that brought you both here, how you aren’t ever listening to her. You try to comprehend what she’s saying but you’re too distracted by the appearance of Dean Winters in this film. Isn’t he the Allstate insurance “Mayhem” guy in those commercials? That is so cool!
Surely your wife is going to enjoy this one, the eighth ‘Hellraiser’ with retro “cyber” qualities. You cite the early web aesthetic, the RPG plot and 2000s computer software design as nostalgic reference points. “You had to have one of those Nokia brick phones at one point, right babe?” you ask, tenderly attempting any connection over shared life experience. You receive no response. Maybe it’s because Henry Cavill appears in this film. Huge trigger in your relationship. She once mentioned that she found his chiseled jawline attractive, which led to a 47 hour jealousy fit where you drove into the desert and wrecked her car. But surely, you’ve changed! Henry Cavill has aged and you’ve grown too: the entire episode would totally last under a day now.
You really insist on the fifth entry as one your wife will enjoy. You cite the influences and tone: it’s like ‘Se7en’ meets David Lynch meets ‘Law & Order,’ to which your wife reminds you that she isn’t interested in any of the above. “I like Christmas movies and documentaries. Where have you been during our marriage?” She says you ignore her interests, but your attention is pulled by how particularly dark and murky this ‘Hellraiser’ entry is. You love it. You remind the therapist, “This director Scott Derrickson went on to make one of those ‘Doctor Strange’ films! Maybe I can direct a film in the MCU one day.” The therapist asks how your work as a data entry clerk will manifest into this brand new, never-before-mentioned goal. She elaborates on a concept known as “delusions of grandeur” but you’re too busy drawing the Lament Configuration on old TGI Friday’s napkins you found crammed in your pocket.
You warn your wife and therapist ahead of time: this will be a controversial take. You reveal that you do not particularly enjoy the very first ‘Hellraiser’ film. Expecting a gasp or at least a raised eyebrow, your exhausted wife stares at you while the overly-patient therapist politely looks down. “It just isn’t for me!” you exclaim, diving into how the film makes you feel physically ill when you see The Chatterer, or how Butterball reminds you of being bullied during your obese youth. You wish something would cut through the silence. Light moves in a square along the carpet of the still office, an afternoon lost trying to translate your love for this franchise into a workable resolution to your marriage. Your wife gently sobs. Perhaps it is because she loves the first ‘Hellraiser’ movie too much and your lower ranking is so controversial. Yes, that must be it.
“Perhaps this is the most important entry because it’s the reboot, which is exactly what I’d like to do to our marriage: give it a reboot!” This line doesn’t go over as well as you thought it would. Never mind that you can barely see what is going on in this dimly lit installment. You appeal to your wife’s Croatian roots by reminding her that famed actor Goran Visnjic is in this film. Also you mention Hiam Abass from ‘Succession’ appearing here, citing happier times when you both watched the HBO series together. Or rather, she watched the series and you occasionally looked over while digesting other lengthy horror franchises. The therapist calmly explains that life isn’t like a film franchise, there are no “reboots” and that instead you should focus on being grateful for each individual day, one step at a time. She says something else but you don’t hear: you’re busy checking travel details after impulsively booking a second honeymoon to Thailand without informing your wife. It’s fine, her retirement savings can cover the trip.
Sequel number three reminds you of the early days in your relationship: meeting in the big city and being out all night. Those warehouse dance scenes remind you of partying past dawn, plus the rotating Pillar of Souls conjures the museums and art shows you used to frequent as a nascent couple. What happened? What changed? How much do people transform over the years? Suddenly, you are strangers in bed together, performing cosplay for a facsimile of a life that felt right years ago. The flashing sliver of insight poofs away like smoke, that burst of introspection quickly ameliorated by remembering the “epic kills” in this entry. “There’s a DJ that’s literally killed by flying CDs! And then he becomes a Cenobite that shoots lethal compact discs! Can you believe it? So wicked cool.” At this point, your wife is packing her belongings while the therapist is urging you to stop talking about ‘Hellraiser’ and perhaps book a solo session.
You save most of the presentation for the second film, your favorite in the series. What’s not to love about it? It’s surreal, it retains most of the original cast, it feels like an M.C. Escher painting mixed with ‘Alice in Wonderland’ – a great improvement on the first, in your humble opinion. “Progress is possible! We can move forward, like the transition from the first ‘Hellraiser’ to the second!” You say this to an empty room, your wife having left long ago while the therapist uses an adjoining office for the next patient. You wish rattling hooked chains would fly from another dimension to rip you apart, just like the victims in these films. Your heart feels strung up and tortured, a pain worse than anything those eternal Cenobites can inflict. Like all conflicts of your life, you squash any emotion down, only to somehow stumble through another day. You make a gameplan: if your wife is home upon your return, get ready to win her back by breaking down the ‘Hellraiser’ comic books instead. Yes indeed, that’s exactly the ticket. Use the graphic novels to get your point across! You genius. Pinhead can tear your soul apart, but not your marriage.