There are only so many ways to get out of a Thanksgiving dinner with your family, and since the lockdown ended 2 years ago and isn’t coming back anytime soon, the biggest one is out. But what if there was a way to show up, be present, and just not remember any of it? And what if that brought with it an opportunity for one helluva soundtrack to make it happen? Consider this list the order you should take them in as well, you’re going on a rollercoaster of a journey! It’s just one you might not remember all of. (Listen to the playlist)
25. “The Ecstasy of Gold”
A cover of an Ennio Morricone song might seem like an odd place to start, but what you’re doing is laying the groundwork. They like to open live concerts with this, and there’s a reason for that: it’s long, instrumental, and sets the stage for bigger, better things to come.
24. “Damage Inc.”
You should probably get used to the idea of property damage being inevitable as early as possible into this process.
23. “St. Anger”
Listen, I know. I know what you’re typing. Yeah: it’s a dissonant, childish, no-guitar-solo-having tantrum of a song, BUT…you’re getting blackout drunk at Thanksgiving dinner, maturity left with the sweet potato pie. There is something undeniably raw about this track, and it’s a great place to properly start.
22. “Fuel”
Largely considered one of their best to come out of the post-Black Album pivot to alt-rock, “Fuel” is a song that demands attention, and for this quick-and-dirty build to getting drunk, it has a nice double-meaning. Fuel up, you still got a long road ahead of you.
21. “Whiskey in the Jar”
I mean…right? Is it a perfect cover? No. Does it exactly fit the tone of what you’re going for? Yes. Is it actually a pretty great anthem before you’ve crossed officially into ‘tore up’? Yeah, yeah it is.
20. “Enter Sandman”
The one hardcore fans inexplicably love despite it heralding the big sound change that they all hated. Relive those heady ECW days by pretending you’re Sandman by chugging a beer and smacking someone with a stick. Then throw a pumpkin pie at them to mourn how it all turned out when WWE tried to revive the brand.
19. “For Whom the Bell Tolls”
It tolls for thee and thy liver. This one’s going to be the first “big drop” down the rollercoaster as it’s long, thrumming, impactful, has one helluva solo, and makes a handy way to keep drinking every time they say “For whom the bell tolls!”
18. “I Disappear”
Starting the next round of build toward another plummet, we have this little snapshot of the early 2000s. This was weird. It’s also great if you need a break because the fam just started bringing up all that shit going on in the Middle East, and not a ONE of them actually knows the first thing about it, so make like this mellow, unexpected jam and vanish for a bit.
17. “No Leaf Clover”
Symphony and metal go so well together that they’re now a genre. When this classic first came out, it was reviled by purists who viewed it as just another layer of Metallica selling out, but now it can be the one song where you actually socialize as the next round of drinking kicks in and you get to reveal it as a fun, secret hit that goes surprisingly hard.
16. “Nothing Else Matters”
No two ways about it: every playlist needs a song or two to slow things down and make people appreciate what they have and who they’re with. Make sure you drink some water that doesn’t have alcohol in it with this one, it’s the right thing to do.
15. “The Four Horsemen”
Metallica’s first album was never my favorite as it always sounded a little raw for my taste and prioritized a faster, more punk rock feel than the heavier, more bombastic metal sound they’d later pursue. That having been said: a classic’s a classic for a reason, and this is the perfect build to the crescendo coming up.
14. “Jump in the Fire”
Gonna need to make sure the latch on your fireplace is secure before this one comes on. Cause you’re just thrashed enough to do something TRULY stupid because the man in your headphones told you to, so be safe…while you’re drinking way too much to forget the debate you just overheard between two uncles about feminism.
13. “Ride the Lightning”
Did you know that “lightning” is another word for moonshine? You do now, and now this song REALLY fits with what you’re getting into! A quick, dirty dip before the last climb to the final 10, and probably the only way to hear about the death penalty around Thanksgiving without being drawn into some bullshit.
12. “Fade to Black”
A more dour, depressing track that many likely assume is a later release, but Metallica’s always had that stone heart that cracks for ballads. Relax, descend, have some more water, shit’s about to get real, but few things are more real than confronting one’s own mortality as frankly as this does. And by now, your short-term memory will probably be doing just that.
11. “Orion”
Just a great, weird, semi-cosmic instrumental track that I think plays perfectly after the depth of darkness the last one brings. The lights that prickle in the darkness, the last few neurons that still function properly as your father brings up how the turkey’s a little dry, and HERE WE GO! Time for the final 10.
10. “Until It Sleeps”
It’s weird, the video’s weird, and it’s way more introspective than songs that would later try to be deep. Playlists need wildcards, ‘Load’ and ‘ReLoad’ get a lot of crap, but there are some bangers on both.
9. “Bleeding Me”
A song that is indulgently long but changes up enough and has a dark kind of allure as it gets harder, faster, and more driving. Be the beast that feeds the beast and start a fight with whoever’s still awake. They probably won’t remember either, it’s fine.
8. “Thing That Should Not Be”
Late bassist Cliff Burton was apparently behind a lot of Metallica’s early “supernatural” songs, and this was the top of those. Glimpses of “A Shadow Over Innsmouth” will be all you’re getting as you drink like a fish to stave off the madness of the ripping guitar solo and the ocean of imagery conjured by the lyrics.
7. “Some Kind of Monster”
This fucking song. How can you not be nostalgic for the line drawn in the sand between members of the band AND their fans? Scoring a documentary that was a more startling snapshot of very damaged, famous men and also emblematic of what was going on at the time, it’s a good reminder: you did this to yourself, and that’s okay. Things can and will get better.
6. “The Unforgiven”
Say goodbye to your last lingering concrete thoughts, and say goodbye to Aunt Agnes’ godawful ambrosia salad, go ahead and tell her I said so, with thrumming, hardened sound and grim, sorrowful lyrics remind you of what you’ve done to yourself.
5. “One”
Nothing like a song about the horrors of war to send you soaring. Do NOT take a shot for every gunshot, you won’t make it through the night and you are already at the point where you might want to get your stomach pumped.
4. “Welcome Home (Sanitarium)”
Played later in the night, this will perfectly encapsulate how you feel at the moment. It’s eerie, isn’t it? How well it works played after 10 p.m. on Thanksgiving, people passed out on the sofa or in bed. Or even at the table, I don’t know how hard the rest of your family goes.
3. “Whiplash”
By this point, Thanksgiving is properly ruined and you’re likely the lightning rod for that, so you may as well do as the song says and act like a maniac. You won’t be acting by this point, let’s be frank.
2. “Master of Puppets”
Not only the apotheosis of the band’s early, aggressive sound, but when you wake up the next morning and your uncle tells you the only actual truth he’s ever said to you: “Only real hangover cure is a little hair of the dog,” the lyrics about cycles of addiction will take on a whole new meaning!
1. “Battery”
You didn’t think I was going to end on that dour note, didja? Nah, one more track, one more beer, one more goodnight argument you won’t remember anyway, this is simply a perfect song to end the night on.
Well, you managed to ruin Thanksgiving! But by being someone that everyone can talk about for the next month, instead of just rehashing old family beefs and politics, you also kinda SAVED Thanksgiving! Congratulations, that’ll hold them over til…Christmas?!
Since it’s one of the few places open on Thanksgiving, you might wind up grabbing some Starbucks on your way. Finish that shit in the car and ditch the cup in the neighbor’s trash. You don’t want to start things off by being lectured by a boomer about a cup, it’s just downhill from there.
Honestly, Thanksgiving or not, if we need to tell you to not bring up sports with your family unless you’re trying to throw down, congratulations, you live in a Hallmark movie. Even if your family all supports the same team (which never happens, there’s always one Cowboys fan,) there are draft decisions, management, coaches, and a plethora of other things for you all to get at each other’s throats about.
After “Hello” and a few quick passive-aggressive thinly veiled criticisms about your looks and/or how often you call, you’ll likely be asked how you’ve been—the first trap. Remember to V.E.N.T—Volunteer Entirely Nothing Tactfully.
Remember, no politics. In some circles even admitting you’ve had it, and that it therefore exists, makes you a globalist shill.
You might think this is a safe, fun, topical conversation prompt, but the speed at which your uncle can connect the dots between Unidentified Flying Objects and deep-state Democrats eating babies is blinding.
Keep it to “Everything is delicious” and change the subject immediately. You’re there to maintain the pretense that you all love each other, but some asshole always wants to use Thanksgiving as a chance to channel their inner Gordon Ramsey. “The Turkey is too dry, I prefer the the stuffing last year with the sausage in it, Aunt Judy did nothing with her library science degree.” Not sure how it gets there, but it does.
It could be the most apolitical thing in the world but if it’s been on the news someone in your family has a deeply upsetting polarizing take locked in the chamber.
If you’re asked how work is going any answer besides “Great!” is a one-way ticket to unsolicited advice town. Remember you’re not here to do a bunch of truth-telling and connecting, you’re here to keep appearances and keep your familial guilt down to manageable levels. One gripe to anyone of a certain generation and you’ll be getting an earful about pounding pavement, dressing better, and calling to follow up.
Another unsolicited advice minefield. Did you know that veganism is part of the globalist gay agenda? Or that keto supercharges the brain? Or that intermittent fasting can change your life, and it has nothing to do with the manic episode your aunt is having? Whatever your personal diet is, keep it to yourself as much as you can.
Hell no. Are you insane?
Whether it’s your craft beer snob cousin or your uncle who’s still not over Bud Lite going “woke,” beer is a surefire ticket to a conversation you want nothing to do with.
It’s impossible to explain to anyone over the age of 50 why an entire generation isn’t buying houses because of economic change and not “laziness” without one or both parties at least seriously considering drawing a knife.
Fucking boring to begin with, but modern technology and culture have made car talk a hotbed for arguing. We have seen grown adults resort to calling each other slurs over which app they used to get to a place they both arrived at within the same 10-minute window. There’s probably someone at your dinner table who thinks the Cybertruck is pretty cool, and by extension, Elon Musk, and that’s a whole thing. It can inspire debate about the American auto industry, which will lead to everyone sounding off about what they think is “Really wrong with this country” and, you know, game over.
Ever told a significant other to calm down when they need to take a breath and calm down? Didn’t really work out for you, did it? So why would it work for an entire family? If you notice tensions getting high just go to the bathroom and ride it out with some Wordle or something.
Thanksgiving isn’t all about bickering. It’s also full of moments where no one quite knows what to say or what to do. These can be awkward and uncomfortable, but trust us, it’s better than the alternative, so don’t address it.
1995 was a bipolar year for Rocket from the Crypt with this middling record and the incredible “Scream, Dracula, Scream!” being released just one short year after the year punk broke into the mainstream. Unfortunately “Hot Charity” was an experiment gone meh, and we here firmly agree guilt-free with ourselves that it should’ve never been released to anyone but a dude at a carnival correctly guessing a morbidly obese stranger’s weight to the pound. If the bird could fly, and then heard this LP, he/she/it would likely lose its wings, fall to the earth, get eaten by a snake that is likely hot, and cause robots to inhabit the earth whilst bleeding.
Easily the band’s best album cover, and we’re not taking any more questions on the shirtless matter, Rocket from the Crypt introduced itself to various listeners in audio form with their first LP “Paint as a Fragrance,” which is their only recording with their original lineup. RFTC made a good but not great album with this one but thankfully it set the stage for six others that, with the exception of the aforementioned “Hot Charity,” were fun, fulfilling, fantastic, and another positive adjective beginning with the letter “F.” Some of the tales are sloppy, but hey, that’s just rock and roll, and the band seemingly was more concerned with attitude than accuracy, so who could fault ‘em for that? Don’t answer that.
Rocket from the Crypt’s seventh and final album as of now was sort of doomed from the start because of its literal album title, which likely decreased its potential sales by a large margin as it wasn’t a concert performance CD, and live recordings not named “Live At Leeds” just don’t sell as well as full-length studio album efforts. We don’t make the rules, but maybe we should! Because it was not given a fair shake, we firmly believe that “Live from Camp X-Ray,” a radiation nurse’s wet dream soaked under a heavy blanket, is the band’s second most underrated effort, next to their sort of self-titled fifth LP. Sadly, the band split just three years after this LP came out, but happily they’re back!
A cult favorite amongst Rocket from the Crypt super fans, “Group Sounds” is the band’s first LP after leaving major label Interscope Records, and their first of two for Vagrant Records, then home to Alkaline Trio and Joey Lawrence’s powerviolence project. The band proved said reverential status with a wicked amount of cred by playing this album in its entirety with a healthy amount of savoir faire at 2022’s Riot Fest in Chicago for fans and eventual new ones, but of course without eating hot dogs with ketchup on ‘em because that ish is illegal in The Windy City for some reason like it is for Father’s Office in LA on ANYTHING; elitism is a hell of a drug for white and black belts alike.
This record truly, truly rips for both sturdy wrists and weak testicles alike, and is easily the band’s first truly solid effort front to back. We’ve never seen lambs for sale, just in shawarma form, so it’s good to know that Rocket from the Crypt always has farm animals in mind, just sans dicks on dogs a la the upcoming almost self-titled studio album. FYI: If you want to open your mouth larger than you possibly can in a WTF manner, google “LA riots” and “rocket from the crypt”; the tea here is over the rails.
We’ve got our eyes on you: Easily their coolest album cover, Rocket from the Crypt’s fifth studio album “RFTC” is by far their most underrated, and if we’re being honest, which we always are unless we’re not, is one of the more underappreciated LPs of the late-90s. Baby, this section hasn’t even started: Let’s get busy revisiting this record which was made for you, your touch, the Roman Empire, and Roman Roy, despite the fact that he is an evil, trust fund miscreant who was rude to that little boy on the baseball field that they helicoptered to with their evil more cruel father and an intense and evil panic scam, Logan “I Never Smile Unless A Homeless Person Is Cold” Roy. Also, Tom Wambsgans, deserves constant constipation but we digress. At just under forty-two minutes “RFTC” never lets up, and that’s exactly how we like it.
1995 is an underrated year for rock and roll for your colon with the release of this record, “Scream, Dracula, Scream!,” Radiohead’s “The Bends,” The Presidents of the United States of America not named Joe Biden OR Donald Trump, and Raekwon of En Vogue’s “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx…”. The instrumentals on “On A Rope,” the band’s biggest hit by far, especially in the UK, that also proved that America is filled with dumbos for its lackluster performance here, are enough to make ANYONE dance and/or turn the volume up louder than anyone with heater hands can muster. Last fun fact that truly is such: This record was meant to be one track like The Who’s 1991 masterpiece “Abbey Road,” but like they always do because they are essentially in music because they are too dumb to be investment bankers, the label heads in suit city kiboshed that one.