PALM BEACH, Fla. — East coast Floridians are excited about a new Spirit Halloween opening up at the “old Mar-a-Lago” following supposedly false rumors that former President Trump sold his longtime home, sources report.
“The timing of Trump’s arrest and legal debts couldn’t have been any better,” said Steven Silverstein, CEO of Spirit Halloween. “We’ve been looking for a prime location right next to a golf course for quite some time. The square footage of the estate alone should be more than enough to serve the entire South Eastern region of the state, maybe even all of it. Not to mention the overhead we can save on the gaudy props that are already on site. And we even hired Rudy Giuliani to wander around the place aimlessly and he’s absolutely scaring the crap out of customers.”
The CEO of Spirit Halloween wasn’t the only one excited about how big a space it was.
“It will be the biggest, the best. It will be the greatest Spirit Halloween the country has ever seen,” said former President and quadruply-indicted Trump. “Seriously, folks. It’s gonna be the spookiest Halloween of all time in America, ever, and it’s all thanks to my beautiful estate of Mar-A-Lago, all the work I’ve put into it over the years, including but not limited to all the actual horrors of my own brain that have been instilled in the walls of the place, that affect the atmosphere of the club enough to make it the most fantastic platform to ever host all America’s Halloween decorating and costuming needs.”
The installation of the horror-laden retail outlet is going to create hundreds of jobs, even some in unexpected areas.
“I was thrilled that Spirit came to me for consulting the layout of the store,” said Special Agent Joe Welch, FBI, who was tasked with repossessing severely critical classified documents that contain information about US defense systems and nuclear capabilities hidden at the estate. “I’ve been there for months already, so at this point, I know Mar-a-Lago like the back of my hand. And with what they’re paying me, I’ll finally be able to take my family on a little vacation. It’s such a relief to be able to alleviate some of my bills that have since only been supported by my government paycheck. Thanks, Spirit!”
At press time, Spirit Staff employees were placing “Former President” costumes on the shelf, the contents of the costume being an orange jumpsuit.
If we would’ve left this gruff, pop punk adjacent 1998 release off the list, we would’ve gotten an amplitude of hate from your literally bitter tongues, as this selection is one of the most underrated of the bunch. It’s so underrated you probably haven’t even heard of it, which makes it cooler. Furthermore, you don’t have to read on if you don’t want more fuel sprayed on your ever-growing metaphorical fire, but we know that you and your masochistic and spiteful selves will!
Days Away’s truly excellent 2005 LP “Mapping An Invisible World” is truly the one that truly got away. After releasing several EPs, Langhorne, Pennsylvania’s own favorite sons signed to Fueled by Ramen Records, and was poised to become huge like several labelmates before them. Sadly for the world, things just never panned out that way; it happens. Despite selling tens of copies, a lot of your favorite bands revered and took great influence from this particular full-length, and if you had a chance to catch the band two years prior on tour with Something Corporate, RX Bandits, and Mae, you’re much more than an analog boy in a digital world. FYI: Check out Good Old War if you haven’t done so, but knowing you punk rock princesses, you spin at least one of their LPs every morning.
The difficult-to-pin-down-in-the-best-way band known as Forgive Durden justifiably gets a lot of flowers critically for their ambitious and final LP “Razia’s Shadow: A Musical.” However, the band’s debut studio album “Wonderland” deserves much, much more ears and much, much less words in its song titles, but we digress. Basically, if you’re in the mood for a combination of a Gatsby’s American Dream influence and a hearty dose of French Woods theater camp, this record is for you. In closing, like the first monkey shot into space, “Fight Club” jokes are knowingly and admittedly low hanging fruit, but maybe self-destruction is the answer.
Easily the worst band name on this list, Fairfax, Virginia’s The Friday Night Boys somehow defied the odds of said moniker and made a banger of a full-length known as 2009’s “Off The Deep End.” If catchiness is your forte, the album is filled with hit after hit. If it isn’t, you probably don’t like Smash Mouth, and should stop listening to music altogether. Furthermore, lead vocalist/guitarist/songwriter Andrew Goldstein the Easter Egger has been writing and producing bangers from bangable artists since the band went defunct for such huge acts MGK, Katy Perry, and even the greatest of all time, Celine Dion.!
Technology must be very far behind here, so we don’t have another answer as to why the hell this perfect ska-punk/third-wave LP from The Hippos called “Forget the World” isn’t on DSPs. PLEASE fix that John Janick and/or Vinnie Fiorello… Despite this release being the oldest mentioned here, 1997 wasn’t THAT long ago! Also, the alumni from this band is quite prodigious, so this particular album deserves so much more notoriety; Google the ninety-seven piece if you know how to do so, rudeboy/rudegirl. Anyway, the band eventually signed to a major label and added about 1999 keyboards to their lineup as ska was becoming less en vogue than a Salt-N-Pepa feature.
You should know that sadly passion isn’t always rewarded, and somehow Powerspace got lost in the shuffle with their more successful label peers Cobra Starship and Trace Cyrus’ not-so-surprisingly popular non-FBR band Public Transportation Stopping Place. Pity. As evidenced by our listings above and below, FBR had the power-pop/pop-rock/danceable but not like The BeeGees market covered in the late-90s/aughts, and 2007’s “The Kicks Of Passion” is somehow both the paradox of no exception and the only exception. Weird. Chicago is so two-plus years ago, and Powerspace certainly and unquestionably got the Windy City shaft.
Easily the most frenetic and heavy studio album mentioned here, Austin, Texas’ Recover released their debut LP “Rodeo And Picasso” via Fueled by Ramen Records in 2001 to a flurry of livejournal entries and at least one absoluteunk.net post from your mother’s deceptively heavy computer. Eventually signing with Strummer Recordings/Universal Records one full-length album later, the band sadly never rose to the heights of former tour mates My Chemical Romance and AFI, and imploded shortly after. Still, “Rodeo And Picasso” doesn’t get as much love as its Fiddler Records follow-up 2002 EP “Ceci N’est Pas Recover,” perhaps because of a combination of bad timing and its extremely pretentious-in-the-best-way album title. Young love is now old, so dust off your Kazaa mp3s for “Rodeo And Picasso,” and relisten twenty-two years later with noticeably hairier ears!
Imagine an early-aughts Patrick Stump (or Stumph if you’re feeling sinister and/or a stickler for accuracy) sang for Weezer for a song on the “Mallrats” soundtrack, and you’ve got The Stereo’s smart and succinct 1999 full-length “Three Hundred.” To add further credence to the Weezer love, this record opens with a song called “Devotion.” Mic drop for that deep cut and for us being smart enough to reference it. Yeah. Fun fact: This band formed in the wake of two ska-core bands Animal Chin and The Impossibles, and in an act of defiance against your acidic yet dulled senses, neither of which is mentioned any other time in this piece. You hate us so much everyday, so we might as well keep our priorities intact.
Flint, Michigan’s The Swellers’ 2011 studio album “Good For Me” is the most recent FBR record listed, and had a minor hit in “The Best I Ever Had” (just look at its lofty amount of YouTube views and even larger Spotify stream count), but sadly the band only recorded one more full-length afterwards before hanging their hats, and it wasn’t for FBR. Bummer, but they’d do it all again. Produced by Bill Stevenson of Black Flag/Descendents/ ALL and Jason Livermore of Wretch Like Me, “Good For Me” sounds like it was made by four kids who grew up loving Fat Wreck Chords’ compilations in the best way and saved a bundle on insurance by switching to Geico. Like Days Away, a lot of bands you likely dig privately dug this band publicly. Bummer: The Sequel.
Along with the also-underrated-but-sadly-non-Fueled-By-Ramen band Gob, Port St. Lucie, Florida’s VersaEmerge is one of the better acts to record the oft-covered song “Paint It Black”. While the band’s lone studio LP “Fixed at Zero” does not contain said Stones cover, it is a front-to-back lush cinematic masterpiece that will appeal to fans of the two-part conflict of interest conundrum of both Circa Survive and Saosin; bury your head and act appalled.
We heard that Juggalos are deceptively nice, but we know that Slipknot has influenced more bands than said ICP fans can count. One album legally had to be ranked last, and this 2008 Slipknot LP had to take the cold black cupcake. Still, even a “bad” Slipknot LP is good sans quotes, and “All Hope Is Gone,” despite being a disjointed listen with more figurative misses than literal hits contains one of their most beloved singles, “Psychosocial.” If you don’t know what psychosocial means, read on: According to Wikipedia, the gospel of truth, the psychosocial approach looks at individuals in the context of the combined influence that psychological factors and the surrounding social environment have on their physical and mental wellness and their ability to function. Say that three times fast; Slipknot = smart.
At first glance, “The End, So Far” reads like it is going to be a combination of a farewell/hiatus/cash grab LP and a greatest hits/rarities/B-sides album. Once one views the actual track listing, the fact that the band ended the twelve-track record and their shortest LP altogether with a song “Finale” may confirm the initial first half of our posit but cancels out the second half. Still, regardless of what’s next for the band 2023-beyond, this acidic release is ambitious with a capital “A” for Adderall, but isn’t as memorable as the following five for fighting. We hear that “The End, So Far” is the band’s last for Roadrunner, but something tells us that Wile E. Coyote may have something else up his sleeve.
Self-awareness alert: Album number five for the band is listed at number five here. Whoa. Hot take alert: If entries #7 or #6 contained the band’s best single of their career (this album’s “The Devil in I”) then our ranking list would’ve been different, and that’s NOT us being sarcastic. Yep. Furthermore, the gap between “.5: The Gray Chapter” and its predecessor “All Hope Is Gone” is the band’s longest between releases, and said delay was for the best, as heard in the songs here. However, we will likely be a devil to all of you skeptics and negative ones with this far-too-high or way-too-low ranking, as even if we listed these seven disasterpieces in the order that you agreed with, you’d still try to override and bitch, bitch, bitch. Tell us we’re wrong, but that will prove us right.
Despite being the only Slipknot release to come out during the critical darling/cum dump/surprising-also-not-surpising-hero-to-Christians/former game show host known as Donald Trump’s first and hopefully only presidential term, 2019’s “We Are Not Your Kind” is the band’s best album to come out after 2004, and truly deserves more praise as an entity. We know that old-school phonies who claim to be Slipknot heads will likely scoff at this modern record’s high placement because what is new always sucks. Always.
Welcome: The famous or infamous trilogy starts now, and we’re kicking it off with its end, the bronze-medalist known as Slipknot’s monster LP “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses). Self-awareness alert part deux: Album number three for the band is listed at number three here. Valid. Whoa and hot take alert part deux: Albums 3-1 have NO “skip it” section. Nil. Before we get into the specifics of “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses), we’d like to remark that we’re still unsure why the “subliminal verses” verbiage in the (actual) album title is in parentheses. Anyway, the legendary Rick Rubin produced this specific Slipknot record, and his epic beard shows such brilliance in the songs! So, so good and so, so brutal. We’re likely going to shock/disappoint/cause a double take next, but that’s just par for the course.
The whole thing WE think is sick, the whole thing WE think is sick: We’ve been not-so-casually waiting to perish by bleeding out for this specific placement since the start of this article since none of you Slipknot-obsessed readers reading this surprisingly/unsurprisingly readable piece has a life. Still, this record is one of the finest metal/metal-adjacent. Slipknot stormed the gates of the aggressive music community with their self-titled debut LP in 1999 and twenty-four years later is still rocking your faces and masks off. All nine members of the band infected your ears from this album’s beginning at second one to the ending at sixty minutes and fifteen seconds, and it still holds up today. Wear your t-shirts with pride and get ready to scream “Are you reeeeeady” like the band’s peers in Trust Company.
Last hot take here as there is no room for any more plague-inducing scorchers that will forever cause us to be hated: “Iowa,” as an album title but not as a state, should get slightly more love than “Slipknot,” as an album title but not as the band itself. That was truly a mouthful, but speaking of that region, we don’t envy Corey Taylor’s throat after recording this guttural, guttural studio album. Since 2001, the vocalist for Stone Sour’s voice has never sounded the same, and while we rightfully praise his pain and effort, we can’t legally vouch for others trying to do the same to their respective voices: Sing gently, singers, as everything ends. In closing, “Iowa” is the polar opposite of a sophomore slump and deserves a revisit twenty-two years later.
All the best dreamers, from Jay Gatsby to Don Draper to Robert Zimmerman to Michael Jackson, got their start in the Midwest. You’ll do well to have been born here.
Holy shit, it will inspire you—and get your ass on that no-other-option bus to Tinseltown. Of course, when you make it, you won’t cite “Oprah” as the reason you dropped forensic accounting to make it big in L.A. But that’s the reason. That’s the reason.
So many talents have squandered their shot to make it big because their ticket said “Albany” and not “Los Angeles.” Yes, they smashed the Albany scene, but have you heard of them?
Studies show that odds of making it in Hollywood decrease exponentially after failing to find Slash within the first 48 hours.
Pretty simple when you get right down to it. This town rewards talent, so if you have 30 chart toppers ready to go then everyone will welcome you with open arms.
You’ll need Uncle Ned and Aunt Sheila’s house on weekends when you’re out of laundry and money for CVS-brand Zoloft. Jeez, dude. Ten dollars really was a pretty silly idea, wasn’t it? You can’t even buy a sandwich for 10 fucking dollars.
At least while you get back on your feet. A lot of record moguls will hire you, and it’s not impolite to slip them a demo on your way out.
Sure, you can afford better with your new gig as a high end escort. But come on, dude! All your faves roughed it like this before they cut a deal with Geffen.
Badass, right? Plus, whoever sticks with you through this vagabond stage—that’s your band. Shuffle instruments accordingly.
Shit—this probably shoulda been number 1. If you’re ugly you’re going to want to stay away from L.A. altogether. Consider staying in the midwest, all the ugliest people on the world already live there so you might even be considered somewhat attractive there.