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Supreme Court Justices Make Pact to Always Be Friends and Never Forget This Wild and Crazy Summer

WASHINGTON – Several members of the Supreme Court reportedly come together to form a pact, vowing to always be friends no matter what and to never, ever forget this crazy, epic summer, according to Chief Justice John Roberts.

“From totally dismantling affirmative action to blocking Biden’s student loan bill, to the time Alito jumped off the roof into Kavanaugh’s parents’ pool, it’s been a hell of a summer and an absolute blast to be with these guys,” said Roberts wistfully while sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck. “The other night, at Clarence’s kegger, we were laughing about that one time we blew up the Clean Water Act, and it hit me: I fucking love these dudes, and I never want to forget all the great times we’ve had together. So we all spit on the ground, did the secret handshake, put our hands on a Bible, and swore to always be there for each other, no matter where life takes us.”

Members of the court who did not participate in the pact expressed bewilderment at the conservative Justices’ decision.

“They keep going on and on about how much they are going to miss each other and saying their bonds will never be broken, as if they aren’t all serving lifetime appointments,” said Justice Sonya Sotomayor. “Yesterday, Clarence came into my office and said, thanks to ‘the Law Dawgs,’ he’s finally worked up the nerve to tell his dad he’s not going to law school and is instead going to follow his dreams and attend NYU for film. Honestly, I’ve watched these guys do so much blow over the years – I think they’re starting to lose it, mentally speaking.”

Though many political commentators have expressed surprise at the conservative justices’ behavior, it is not without precedent.

“Over the years, countless other Courts have made similar pacts. The Burger Court was basically formed after a wild weekend at Woodstock in ‘69.” said legal historian Nora Evans. “And The Warren Court allegedly made a secret blood oath to never tell anyone about a custodian they accidentally murdered. Of course, as any student of history knows, in the ensuing months, a disembodied incarnation of Death killed off each judge through a series of violent, Rube Goldberg-like accidents.”

At press time, the Justices had reportedly formed an additional pact to help Justice Neil Gorsuch lose his virginity before spring break.