Before we begin, The Story So Far, State Champs, Four Year Strong, and Chicago are all way too big to be considered underrated for the sake of this top ten most underrated Pure Noise Records LPs piece. Disagree? It’s cool. There’s more than brain pain here, but we guess you have to learn to love the lie whilst your mouth is full of dirt/soil. Anyway, Pure Noise Records was founded by Jake Round in the year of our lord known as 2008, which also epically showcased the brilliance of Sarah Palin and her Alaskan backyard. PNR has been going quite strong since then, and currently has quite a, uh, stronghold on the scene and even formerly The (literal) American Scene. We know in advance that you hate this piece, Pure Noise Records, yourself, and the idea of a happy existence. Enjoy this alphabetical list piece, or all shall perish.
Action/Adventure “Imposter Syndrome” (2022)
Let’s start with a really, really new release: Chicago, Illinois’ Action/Adventure puts the Slash in Guns N’ Roses, and the adventure in “Adventures in Babysitting” in the best, albeit not comedic, or, wait for it, without levity. Yeah. Anyway, that new fangled Tiktok may have assisted the band in getting to where they are now, but their killer live show and even better songs are what keeps ‘em here. Chicago may be so two years ago, but 2023 belongs to A/A, regardless of whether the band has imposter syndrome or not. Spoiler alert: They shouldn’t.
Born Without Bones “Dancer” (2022)
Fans of mid-’90s alternative like Jellyfish, Superdrag, Fountains Of Wayne, and Gloria Gaynor would jump all over Born Without Bones’ fantastic LP “Dancer,” but we doubt that most of you punks heard of this record, let alone the bodacious band. Like Action/Adventure and the yet-to-be-mentioned Moon Tooth, Born Without Bones released a fantastic album in 2022, countering your lie that there haven’t been any good albums since 1997’s The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ breakout “Let’s Face It” record, containing the hit, “The Impression That I Get” and several alcoholic bugs whose days are numbered because they’re stuck in regal oil. Milford, Massachusetts is so much more than freaking Milford pink granite, and Born Without Bones substitutes the “pink” for “punk” when describing said coarse-grained rock. If you dig this one, check out BWB’s “Baby” album despite the fact that it isn’t a PNR release.
Can’t Swim “Fail You Again” (2017)
Hey, Amy, but not Amy Fisher, this act is easily the best band name here, or even in the “scene” as a whole, and Keansburg, New Jersey’s Can’t Swim deserves your clothes, more than fifty million dollars, Amy, and your love, which never fails to be loving for lovers of loving love. If you’re reading this, you likely know about this rad band already, and you’re not a kid who is a hater of hating hate; you’re truly stranger than fiction and you won’t sleep until a big idea is placed right beside Molly’s desk, or inside her kiss kissable lips that are soaked in incesticide. Like the band we just alluded to, the two-thousand-and-seventeen piece Them Crooked Vultures, Can’t Swim is a grungy powerhouse in a life jacket world. Thankfully they’re still going strong, even if all of the moves they make are in the dark.
Forever Came Calling “Contender” (2012)
We’re up to the oldest entry here, and we’re still shocked that Forever Came Calling’s short, short LP “Contender” is not only a decade old, but that it didn’t cause the band to get to heights that non-label pop-punk peers Neck Deep, Man Overboard, We Are The In Crowd, and The Make-Up climbed to around this time. Debuting for many during 2010s very telling documentary on Warped Tour’s “No Room For Rockstars,” FCC showed that bands from regions that aren’t populated near “A” markets can still succeed or “succeed” as long as they hustle hard, and Pure Noise Records quickly nabbed the act after this feature came out. Moral of the story: Don’t kill yourself at all, or especially to shock your friends, read Charles Bukowski’s controversial book “Women,” never stop learning, regardless of how difficult life gets, and you’ll be better, we promise, unless you’re not.
Gnarwolves “Gnarwolves” (2014)
Gnarwolves’ self-titled debut is a perfect LP for those who like their punk rock with a slice of gruff/a plate of dirty melody. Sadly, the band only made one record after this and split up just one year after “Outsiders” was released. We still think that the band was doomed from the start because of their goofy name, which worked in Hoobastank’s favor, but the British wolves sadly had to stay at the gate, and the reason is you; bad name, everybody’s fault. Still, we love power trios, and you should revisit this tight/concise record, which turns ten next year, if you haven’t spun it in a bit. If not, please check out this ten-song studio album. In closing, if you want to hear what it would be like if A Wilhelm Scream covered Microwave, listen to track four, “Bottle to Bottle,” right this very minute.
Just Friends “Nothing but Love” (2019)
And now for something completely different: The first ever “Sad Summer Tour” was populated by pop-punk/pop-rock bands such as The Maine, Stand Atlantic, Mayday Parade, and so many more. Surprisingly said festival also included the funky AF party band with a killer song horn section to end and/or start all bashes known as Just Friends. Opening their LP “Nothing But Love” with a phone with some Wackadoodle sounds called “1-800-Chop-City,” the JF crew let its listeners know that Daniel LaRusso endorsed this band way before we all learned that he is a dick in “Cobra Kai”; sick flex, Johnny Lawrence and Terry Silver. Originally released in 2017 through Counter Intuitive Records, current home to Retirement Party, Origami Angel, Skatune Network, and The Kinks, Pure Noise Records snagged JF, and re-released “Nothing but Love” one year later; Dublin is not just in Ireland, y’all!
Moon Tooth “Phototroph” (2022)
Long Island technical legends Moon Tooth made lunar objects appropriate benchmarks for a band’s proficiency, prowess, positivity and insert adjective starting with “P” here. Originally on Modern Static Records, the label that launched The (insane in the most glorious way) Callous Daoboys, PNR picked up the band, gripped the ridge, carried us home, and here we are today, gentle people without any blues, death wishes, back pain, or Allen Ginsberg’s original edition of “Howl at the Moon(tooth)”. “Phototroph” will appeal to both fans of Annie Leibovitz’s work and nutrient dense edibles from Manhasset’s Whole Foods Market, also home to North Shore University Hospital and obnoxious, deplorable, unforgivable, and silly accents. Inferior publications worldwide agree with us regarding this particular record, and whatever esteemed music critics write is gospel and you should be ashamed if you disagree in any way, shape, form, or sun.
Seaway “Big Vibe” (2020)
We can’t really blame Canada and its provinces as a whole if you missed this record, but can certainly spout vitriol towards your lack of brains. Anyway, Oakville, Ontario’s Seaway is one of the more underrated bands in the rock and roll for your soul world, and have three other LPs to speak of that aren’t “Big Vibe,” and ALL of ‘em deserve your affinity and loyalty towards. Formed twelve years ago, Seaway bonded through friendship in the face of adversity, severity, strife, and disappointment in the form of going through high school that felt more to them like a jail cell, or even a penitentiary, together, and such bond shows in the giant aura of “Big Vibe”. We hope and long for a follow-up sooner than later, as 2020 is forever still blue, and 2024 is going to be a wild thing in the form of Ricky Vaughn.
Spanish Love Songs “Brave Faces Everyone” (2020)
Originally on Southern California’s Wiretap Records, and the now-canceled A-F Records, LA’s Spanish Love Songs released their third LP “Brave Faces Everyone” via Pure Noise Records to much critical acclaim, but its sales should be much, much higher, and if said mention here gets them at least one more stream, then our job is done or just starting. The fact that an indie AF record spawned THREE singles is quite an accomplishment whether or not you enjoy Latin lustful tunes, and honestly, said album could’ve had one or two more songs highlighted here. Fun fact: This album spawned a more electronic rendition just two years later called “Brave Faces, Etc.” two years later and said reimagining should entice many ardent/future SLS fans.
UnityTX “Ferality” (2023)
Let’s end with the newest release from this very year of our lord: Operation Ivy said it best, “Unity, as one stands together. Unity, evolution’s gonna come to Texas in the form of a ruckus!” Yeah, knowledge. UnityTX’s debut LP “Ferality” hit DSPs just one month ago, and successfully quenched the band’s fans’ thirst for a full-length studio album after several sick, sick, sick singles and EPs. For those that like their metal music with a cacophonic combination of hip-hop, solid grooves, impassioned screams, and the AEW by way of WCW grappler Sting, “Ferality” is for you and the IWC. Speaking of wrestling, Dallas isn’t just a Page, but it’s a city that rocks quite hard, and UnityTX proudly rep their state in their band name like pop-punk forefathers Fenix TX, but not NYC legends Texas is the Reason. No fake luv here, just roc sh!t.
Even though “America,” is the band’s fifth and highest charting record on the Billboard 200, and by far their most “pop” effort, it didn’t, err, pop with critics and longtime fans of the band. Furthermore, “America” inspired many negative and bitter social media comments from basements in Kentucky on the Letos’ pages, and all waters such as oceans, lakes, rivers, and bathtubs. Still, features from such underground metalheads as Halsey, A$AP Rocky, Hurley International clothing, and Rocky Balboa, successfully break the monotony in Journey’s “Africa”.
The band’s newest release “It’s the End of the World but It’s a Beautiful Day” isn’t Thirty Seconds to Mars’ worst album by a shortshot, but echoes the meh vibe of its predecessor, just with slightly better songs. This is likely accomplished via this LP being released with the largest gap between albums of the band’s career as Mr. Leto da frontman was quite busy playing the part of The Joker, the midnight toker, yelling Trapt’s critically praised ninth studio album “Requiem,” started a kombucha/sea cruise cult with Andrew Keegan of “Camp Nowhere”; Google it it’s weird. In closing, “Stuck” is a powerhouse opening track, and our/your boi Tomo is missed.
The first and last time that the word “thirty” is listed numerically for 30STM is on this debut record and its literal title, and the band subsequently removed such branding for all five albums moving forward to avoid blink-182, 22 Jacks, Against Me! 41, and Eiffel 65 comparisons, despite sonically sounding identical in every which way to all of the above. The band started far from the edge of the earth and/or oblivion with notable from Danny Lohner of Nine Inch Nails, Maynard James Keenan of every band of all time including Tool, A Perfect Circle, Children of the Anachronistic Dynasty, and Randall “Tex” Cobb, and Cher’s son with the now disgraced Eric Clapton. The songs here are great, but the band altered missions for the next three LPs that flew ‘em higher than 93 million miles.
“This Is War” would’ve been difficult for any band to follow-up, but “Love, Lust, Faith and Dreams,” despite having an album title worse than the lyrics in “Hollaback Girl,” is Thirty Seconds To Mars’ best album before 2005 and after 2009. Genre wise the album slightly deviated from symphonic alt-rock territory into a more experiential fashion, and ardently blindly faithful Leto-heads all over Varanasi, the City of Angels, France, and the hot and blinding sun rejoiced like conquistadors.
As we said and alluded to earlier, the next two albums from alt-J that we highlight below will once again spout a band name sans justification. This one belongs to My Chemical Romance in every Way from yesterday/today. Honestly, if the four singles from “A Beautiful Mind,” “Attack,” “The Kill,” “From Yesterday,” and the literal title track was a four-song EP called “A Beautiful Mind Because Of An Omission Of Six Songs,” Thirty Seconds to Mars would’ve trumped Ugly Kid Joe’s classic extended play “As Ugly as They Wanna Be.” Sadly, this album contains a tad bit of filler, and thus, pisses you off in the silver medal slot.
Let’s start this gold medal-winning 30STM album with a bold posit: Thirty Seconds to Mars’ third album “This Is War” has ZERO legally obligated “skip it” tracks here because there are ZERO songs worth omitting, and, in a lack of proof for such, The Smashing Pumpkins’ epically symphonic orchestral influence from “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.” “This Is War” as an entity is truly a well-read rainbow, and supplies its many fans with green M&Ms that don’t make you gassy and have antioxidants that Erewhon would smile at. Let’s end/escape this piece with one more band name/Jeff Goldblum reference: T. Rex.
Krug Stillo represents the absolute worst parts of humanity. He’s a murdering, drug dealing, child abusing, sexual predator who bullies his own son into suicide. There’s absolutely no way this man is supporting therapy and he probably thinks people who go are weak.
This character is disgusting in every possible sense of the word. He’s a sexual predator, a murderer and a foot fetishist. Yet somehow, he still managed to be made of the same genetic ingredients as his much more charming and attractive brother. There’s no way Richie Gecko is seeking therapy.
The patriarch of our favorite messed-up little backwoods family, the nameless gas station owner, simply credited as “The Old Man” would never be caught dead in therapy. And he would disown his own children seven ways from Sunday if he caught them in one. He really is a bastard too. A cannibal, a murderer, a child abuser. The old man’s motto is: “There’s just some things you have to do in life. Don’t mean you gotta like it.” That sounds pretty close to: “Toughen up, snowflake” to us.
Forget about God-complexes, what do you do when you’re literally the personification of God? He isn’t a villain in the technical sense of the word. More just a deeply negligent gaslighter (who may have engaged in some light cannibalism). Still, He’s an artsy poet, living in seclusion with His much younger wife, who he steamrolls. He’s every bit as villainous as the average liberal arts college English professor. And only slightly more likely to seek therapy.
Speaking of God, you just know this man doesn’t believe in therapy. If “Night of the Hunter” were set in the modern day, Harry Powell would be an uber right wing evangelical who posts on Facebook about how “Back in my day, we didn’t go to therapy. Back in my day we drank from the garden hose, said yes sir to the garden hose and got beaten by the garden hose when we were bad.” He also probably would’ve probably convinced a ton of people to go to the Capitol on January 6th, but wouldn’t have dared go himself.
This one’s a trick entry. Art the Clown would more than happily go to a therapist’s office. At the end of the day. While the therapist is closing up. Why? Simple. To eat the therapist’s face and rub feces on his walls.
You gotta hand it to Michael Myers. That man was dedicated to not working on himself. Even as a child. He was six years old when he whacked his sister. That’s stage two of Piaget’s Stages of Development. He barely had object permanence down. But the minute he got to Smith’s Grove, Michael Myers went quiet, and then proceeded to spend a decade and a half ignoring every therapist that tried to talk to him before escaping again.
It’s odd that Freddy is “the funny one” of all the classic slashers. The one with personality. Really, he is the most despicable of all of them, considering most of his victims when he was still alive were young children. Freddy clearly never went to therapy for the plethora of violent mental illnesses plaguing him. Now, he’s a vengeful, knife-fingered ghost. And worse… a guy who won’t stop doing bits.
The science officer on the Nostromo, secret android and annoying-ass Nietzsche guy, Ash isn’t going to therapy. For one thing, he’s a robot. He doesn’t have authentic human emotions. But more than that, he’s the type of scientist who discredits psychology outright because he thinks it’s a “soft science” with no value.
Similar to Him in “mother!,” Jack Torrance isn’t a fan of asking for help. He’s a troubled playwright who thinks that in order to be artistically valid you need to misuse substances. And admittedly… he’s right. The combined bloodstreams of the writers here at the Hard Times could probably fill a CVS.
Men would literally rather completely populate an idyllic English village and then give birth to identical copies of themselves out of improvised wombs for about three straight minutes than go to therapy.
Margaret White is a truly horrifying (and tragic) human being. A religious fanatic, a child abuser and someone deeply unskilled at chopping carrots. Margaret definitely needs therapy, since she’s carrying around some heavy-duty trauma from her husband, but she probably thinks that therapy is sinful, so we really highly doubt that she’d go.
Ellen is from that generation that would rather become a literal queen of Hell, by wedding the living spirit of the demon Paimon in the form of her granddaughter in the body of her grandson than go to therapy. It’s tragic as we know she suffers from mental illnesses, but as anyone who’s ever talked to their grandparents knows, she’s not going.
Lord Summerisle doesn’t go to therapy. Lord Summerisle buys candles from Gwyneth Paltrow. Lord Summerisle goes for a walk in the woods because it’s “better than antidepressants.” Lord Summerisle is excited to tell you how promising LSD and psilocybin have been in treating depression and anxiety and doesn’t want to hear a word about THC-induced schizophrenia. Our bodies come from the earth. So we should try herbal remedies.
We realize we’ve used this one before, but men would also rather invent complicated scientific potions that render them completely invisible, hatch a scheme to take over the world and derail a train just for shits and giggles than go to therapy. Real talk, though, the original Invisible Man’s outfit is pretty amazing. The overcoat, the top hat, and those four-lensed sunglasses. Those sunglasses are so iconic, they’re actually now commonly called Griffin Sunglasses because of this man. Ten points for being a fashion pioneer. No points for mental health. But who needs good mental health when you’ve got style for days?
Close your eyes. Well, actually don’t. You need them to read this. Imagine you’ve closed your eyes. Now with your eyes not closed, imagine the world if Dads went to therapy. It’s pretty nice, right? Ah well. Not to be in this case, sadly. Nathan Grantham is a crusty old fucker with one thing on his mind. Father’s Day Cake.
A titan of Wall Street, the only killer in the ‘80s with a more sadistic agenda than Patrick Bateman was Ronald Reagan himself. That being said, it does actually seem like that Patrick would go to therapy. He has those male manipulator vibes. He’d go because his girlfriend forced him to, but he’d go to one session, spend it talking about how much she drives him crazy and then use therapy buzzwords to more effectively gaslight the people around him.
Like “Rick and Morty” fans on the prowl for Szechuan Sauce, Annie Wilkes is one bad parasocial interaction away from having a total and complete meltdown. The difference is, while “Rick and Morty” fans throw outrageous temper tantrums and walls of angry, ranting text online when they don’t get their way, Annie proceeds with simple homicidal intention. More power to her, I say.
Listen, we’ve talked a lot about men over the course of this list. Now, let’s discuss Moms. Moms would rather set up an elaborate city-wide maze of deception and gruesome violence before taking you to meet your penis-monster Dad and then having you symbolically re-inserted into the womb via drowning than go to therapy. Real talk, I do think Mona would go to one session with a therapist, but the minute the therapist tried to tell her that her attachment to her son was unhealthy, she’d storm out. Also, she owns a pharmaceutical company, so there’s no way she’s getting hooked on her own supply.
Everyone dreams of that special day. That special day that comes only once in a lifetime. That day, of course, is the day you see your step-parents cry. Sadly for Kevin and Kaylee, the Entity in Kyle Edward Ball’s “Skinamarink” that serves as their de facto wicked step-parent is made of sterner stuff than that. The Entity believes that TV is the best babysitter a child can have, in corporal punishment (knives in eyes, loss of mouth privileges, and a good old fashioned no toilet day). It’s not going to go to therapy. It probably believes all medical services are just wastes of money.
Mr. Mommy Issues himself, Norman Bates is a soul badly in need of some therapy to deal with his complicated and manifold issues with women and sex. It would be hard to get him to go, though. He’s from that era where the stigma around therapy is just too great. Plus, he’d have to see if his mother would let him go.