For those that don’t know, H2O is synonymous ‘90s New York Hardcore. The Lower East Side of Manhattan band, home of the late, great venue Coney Island High named themselves after the most popular and name-dropped beverage of all time, and released their powerful, concise, and aggressive self-titled debut just two years later in 1996. Since then the band released six more full-length albums and bridged the gap between Gorilla Biscuits and Madball in a catchy, catchy fashion. Also, three-fourths of the now four-piece have been in the band since 1996, and half of them have been in the lineup since the band began, proving that water is thicker than blood, and that steadfast strident loyalty is still a thing, even in 2023. Go! figure.
7. Go (2001)
Speaking of the word “Go,” go may be the last two letters in a popular H2O cry, but this major label release was their first and last LP with such a conglomerate, accidentally succeeded at making many longtime fans whimper. The songs here aren’t that bad but the band sounds sterile, and that isn’t typically how water tastes. Fun opinion: The band’s Madonna cover here, which is a hidden track on “Go,” is enjoyable for fans of any genre, and said tune truly deserves your attention. Sadly this album was their last full-length from the band for just over seven years, as H2O released an EP called “All We Want” in 2002, and nothing else until 2008.
Play it again: “Role Model”
Skip it: “Forest King”
6. Don’t Forget Your Roots (2011)
Todd Morse, brother of H2O vocalist Toby, still joins the band on stage on guitar and backing vocals for select shows/tours, but this cover LP is his last with the band… For now! Todd currently moonlights as the full-time bassist in a little-known punk band from Southern California known as The Offspring. Anyway, the group’s sixth album “Don’t Forget Your Roots,” an obvious nod to getting old whilst still listening to Warzone, is fun front-to-back and serves as a solid introduction to many of the band’s influences including Bad Brains, Embrace, and early Tony Bennett, but falls short of the rest of what’s yet to be listed. Still, someday we’re more than down for another studio album like this, at least we suppose, as times are changing… We wanna live!
Play it again: “Journey To The End Of The East Bay” by Rancid
Skip it: “Scared” by Verbal Assault
5. Use Your Voice (2015)
It’s been almost eight years since the last H2O album “Use Your Voice” hit cool indie rocker stores, and from the heart, we’d like another one STAT! The black sheep father figure of hardcore known as Chad What’s Eating Gilbert of Shai Hulud, New Found Glory, Hazen Street, and Bang Tango produced this one and its former that wasn’t a cover LP, “Nothing to Prove,” and Gilbert must still be dreaming about recording such a credible, noteworthy, and legendary band in the fun, fun, fun world of punk rock; honestly, we think that everyone wishes that they were from New York, especially Floridians who have a true romance for anything outside of a swamp except for your grandma. Through thick and thin, NYHC, which means New York Happy Club, skate punk, aggressive music, and doo-wop all owe a lot to H2O and their mantra: “Little. Yellow. Different.”
Play it again: “Black Sheep”
Skip it: “Still Dreaming”
4. Nothing to Prove (2008)
At just under twenty-four minutes over the course of ten tracks, it isn’t much of a time investment to listen to “Nothing to Prove” from its Bamm-Bamm Rubble beginning to the critically charged end, but this record STILL isn’t the band’s shortest album, which is nutty in the best way; the aforementioned newest H2O record “Use Your Voice” is slightly shorter and thus, slightly better, obviously. Anyway, “Nothing to Prove” is the band’s fifth studio album, and it served as a sort of return to form to showcase that the band is aware of what happened and that they’re still here whilst unconditionally loving hardcore punk. We know that we’re wearing our hearts on our sleeves by saying this, but we feel that without hesitation this is the best H2O album from this century. What happened? Well, they were quite inspired after the blowback regarding their previous LP, “Go”. Maybe?
Play it again: “What Happened?”
Skip it: “Mitts”
3. F.T.T.W. (1999)
You may want to flip this ranking with what is listed below at number two, but you’re wrong day by day, chance by chance, life by life, in every which way, hey hey hey, that’s what I say. Can you overcome? Yep. “F.T.T.W.,” the last H2O LP to be released before the new millennium, and also the band’s final of two records for Epitaph Records, is a hard-hitting nearly twenty-track set of songs that almost knock you off your feet as quickly as “Thicker Than Water” did before it… Almost. Still, by the time this record came out, H2O went from a side-stage Warped Tour band to a main-stage headliner powerhouse group literally moving so much faster than many in their world… And deservedly so! The band were road warriors at this point, showing that the five-piece’s forcefield helped much more than it hoped for in the late nineties.
Play it again: “Guilty by Association”
Skip it: “Reputation Calls”
2. Thicker Than Water (1997)
H2O signed with rock powerhouse Epitaph Records after their Blackout! Records album debut, and released “Thicker Than Water” shortly afterwards, which was a part of hardcore punk briefly affecting American aggressive mainstream culture, with peers like CIV leading the charge two years before. H2O provided a transition from that sound into the eventual aughts Drive-Thru Records blend of pop-punk/mall punk which combined the aggression of H2O with saccharine choruses. Also, “Thicker Than Water” definitely had a part in making cargo camo shorts a mainstay of a band’s stage show whilst angry audience members joined a circle pit pointing their supportive index fingers at the stage while screaming particular lyrics and crowd killing those that couldn’t sing along to hardcore’s now universal language. In closing, T-shirts with a specifically badass hard-hitting lyric on the back, and a black and white live band shot were popular in this world as well.
Play it again: “I See It In Us”
Skip it: “Innocent Kid”
1. Self-Titled (1996)
Our curse, but we know why: There are no “skip it” tracks on this super self-titled debut from H2O, which, like all of the band’s albums, consists of a beyond killer opening song; we love chants, being surrounded by Gen-Eric, well-cited book reports, family trees, and Jim Carrey’s “The Mask.” In addition, the album features here are noteworthy in that Dicky Barrett of ska-core, the devil, and plaid suit-wearing eight-hundred piece, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Armand Majidi and Pete Koller of the like-minded Sick of it All, Tim Shaw of New Jersey’s hardcore punk act Ensign, and Buddy Holly of the metalcore act of all metalcore acts, The Crickets, all appear prominently on “H2O.” Recorded at Brielle Studios in NYC, this record was made quickly, and even mixed in a rapid timeframe, at just three days. Anyway, we are confident that you like this ranking, unless you don’t.
Play it again: “5 Yr. Plan” till the end
Skip it: 6 Yr. Plan
The Golden God’s road rage knows no bounds. He also claims to drive women to the airport all the time “because of the implication.” Can’t quite figure out what that means, and somehow the car ride over would be more stressful than the airport security line. That’s not the kind of untethered energy I want to kick off my semiannual vacation to Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Liam wears a flesh-tone eye patch with a drawing of an eyeball on it so no one notices. While it’s effective in more ways than one, he keeps complaining about his depth perception. I generally want someone who can see all three dimensions on my ride to the airport. Two dimensions at minimum.
Duncan runs around with a wild crowd who all hang out under some bridge and listen to underground Hawaiian trip hop while hosting a luau. While I won’t judge anyone on who they hang out with, I will come down hard on the location. Untrustworthy.
Gail the Snail wouldn’t be able to get off from her shift at the Wawa to drive me. Good thing too. I don’t want to be packing extra salt on the ride just in case. You never know.
The gang destroyed Dee’s last four or five vehicles, so she’s between cars right now. That pretty much disqualifies her.
The gang destroyed this guy’s vehicle too (see Dee Reynolds).
Brad is a little too into revenge. That sort of personality quirk doesn’t translate well into favors. However, if I needed to enact vengeance on someone for refusing to drive me by sending them, say, a box full of hornets, I know exactly who to call first.
I have never seen this man blink. While that’s probably a good thing when you’re driving because it allows you to see the entire road ahead of you and give it an ocular pat down, it just makes for an uneasy car ride.
Ingrid has her own clothing line. That means she’s going to talk about entrepreneurship the whole time, and I’m just not up on buzzwords like “ROI.” I need someone less ambitious for this task.
As a Mets fan, I simply cannot get behind this one out of principle.
Hwang would only drive me to the airport if I paid him handsomely because he’s a landlord and those types of people have a documented history of exploiting basic needs for their financial gain. Not cool.
Cats can’t drive. At least that’s the excuse she is going to use. I really can’t argue with that thought process.
Ryan would somehow be drinking milk in the car the entire way. Not from a carton. Not from a hydro flask. A glass from his kitchen. What disturbs me most is that he rests it in the center console’s cup holder as if it’s not going to spill everywhere.
Uncle Jack would try to pass off comically large fake hands as his own, one of which would be one of those giant foam fingers from a sporting event. It’d be hard to watch, especially since I have the same exact anxiety, and his fake hands are larger than my fake hands.
Anyone who believes shushing is an acceptable form of communication in a functioning society shouldn’t be allowed to be in public. We all know that it’s much healthier to keep your interpersonal grievances to yourself and only address them when you’re no less than eight beers deep.
While Cricket has a lot of stories about his days living in a crawl space and he “brought enough PCP for all of us,” there’s just something about him that I don’t trust behind the wheel. Can’t put my finger on it.
Jackie is part of the mainstream media, so it’d be like getting a ride from Wolf Blitzer. I don’t know if that’d be a good thing or a bad thing, but I don’t want to be the one who finds out.
This man would bring various small woodland creatures along with him on the ride. While I’m normally fine with that, he wouldn’t address it in the slightest. Are they even his? Am I the only one seeing them? Does he think I’m taking them with me on my flight? I don’t think they’ll let me have a dozen emotional support animals with me.
I don’t trust anyone who owns an establishment that would have a door marked “pirate” on it. Just can’t get passed that.
Sometimes you just want to prank the person who agreed to drive you to the airport by tying their shoelaces together when they aren’t looking. Only the waiter would find that “reckless” because he “has to focus on the road.” Man, can’t anyone take a joke that puts our lives in immediate danger anymore?
I’d likely be coming in too hot for this guy. He was hoping for a more relaxed ride while I’m more like a “have an unsheathed sword in the passenger seat in case we need to defend ourselves from other vehicles” kind of guy. Our energies probably wouldn’t mix well.
There’s an interesting sort of thing that happens whenever baby boomer rockers make comeback albums. Because on these albums, they’re not just reckoning with their own sound, but reckoning with the groups that have come after them and taken influence. Much like how Christopher Nolan made “Oppenheimer” to reckon with the legions of douchebags that gravitated towards “Joker” for surrogate personalities. That’s the feel of “Drama of Exile,” a faster goth-rock and punk-forward record that feels touched by groups like Siouxsie and the Banshees, while also taking on a more ‘80s flavor. The result here, much like guacamole made by a depressive… is sadly mixed.
There is a really excellent scene in the biopic “Nico, 1988” (probably one of the only music biopics that does anything remotely creative or interesting) in which Nico (Trine Dyrholm) performs the song “My Heart is Empty” at an underground venue in Soviet East-Berlin, while her management flees from armed guards. That’s the flavor of Nico’s jazz-infused final album. It’s a record that doesn’t give up its secrets easily and seems to have the head-up-assness of some of the most pretentious new-wave acts. But there are some genuinely great moments in this one if one has the patience to look.
Speaking of excellent movie scenes, who can forget that moment in “The Royal Tenenbaums” when Gwyneth Paltrow’s Margot steps off the bus only to be greeted by her incest-driven adopted brother (Luke Wilson) and “These Days” starts to play? We certainly didn’t. “Chelsea Girl” is a classic. But maybe… just maybe, it’s a classic for some of the wrong reasons. The songs on here seem to showcase how others felt Nico’s career should go, with songs penned by folk icons like Jackson Brown and Bob Dylan and even some more avant-garde tracks by former V.U. bandmates. It’s a great album, it sounds good, it’s cozy. But there are deeper places Nico could go.
The last of Nico’s great gothic trilogy (and the darkest of them by far), “The End…” is a collection of moanings, wailings, tortures, hauntings, and banshee keenings. And you know something? I love it. Essentially a eulogy for Nico’s songwriting mentor Jim Morrison, this album features a creepy truly, creepy cover of “The End” by the Doors and “You Forgot to Answer” an account of Nico trying to reach Morrison just before she was informed of his death. This album is probably Nico’s most ambitious work, but much like a lasagna with a weird extra ingredient (probably zucchini or some shit) it’s too messy to be perfect. But then again, Nico is a V.U. vet. And what’s more Velvet Underground than a mess?
The launchpad to the Nico we know best, “The Marble Index” is, without doubt, one of the creepiest albums ever written. And its best song “Evening of Light” is so psychologically unnerving (with droning mandolins and monotone singing) that it’s honestly inadvisable to listen to it if you’re alone after dark. Still, many of Nico’s greatest… hits?… are on this record, including “Frozen Warnings” and “No One is There.” Ah yes. Nico’s greatest hits. You know how you always hear them on the radio? Those songs with the dissonant violins and the singing about demons? Songs of the summer here, folks.
As every middle-aged man points out before trying either Hims or truck-stop dick pills… it’s not the size that counts. It’s how you use it. In this case, Nico uses a not-quite-29-minute record to make her greatest cultural footprint. So much so that the English group Throbbing Gristle launched “The Desertshore Collective” a multi-day live performance of songs on this album. Which is perfect, both as an artistic vision and as a version of the Bad Place for the people who got trapped at Burning Man this year.
Kyle is a good friend and a virtuous person, which is exactly why he’s the last person you want to confide in with this. His strong moral compass will lead him to encourage you to report it to the police. And if you don’t, he probably will. Tattletale.
Of course Terrance would NEVER condone the cover-up of a death! How could you not know that?!
This morally strong son of a “Lord of the Rings” fan would not assist you in the burying of a body. If you sought his help, he’d open the door, take one look at the mess you got yourself into, wordlessly shake his head, and close the door. Hey, at least he wouldn’t tattle on you like Kyle.
Even at her most Cartmanette-esque, Heidi wouldn’t get herself involved. But don’t worry, she won’t be babbling about it on social media any time soon. You should probably just get out of here before her jacked dad hears you.
No way. Gobbles is too pure.
Timmy is one of the most morally-fortified characters in South Park. If you told him you needed help hiding a body, he’d be shocked. He’d sit you down and have a long talk with you about taking responsibility for your actions and calmly hand you a phone with “911” already dialed. He could never snitch either, but for different reasons than some of the other people on this list.
This private school snob wouldn’t deign to lift a finger and help another person unless it got him lots of clout for his politics. Disgusting. We bet he’s definitely had a few bodies buried for him though.
Baby Fark McGeezax (or “McG” for short) would absolutely tell you he’ll help you hide a body. That is, until he reveals that it was all part of a long con to see your true nature and what you’re capable of. Because of you, humanity will never get to join the intergalactic federation of planets. Thanks a lot.
Liane has a strict moral code so she would never cross such a line. Unless you’re her little poopsie-kins. In that case, she’ll do the killing, the burying, and the jail time if necessary.
Despite the alarming amount of firesetting and laughing at others’ misery, Kenny actually lives a pretty moral life and would be likely to talk you through your problems. He’d encourage you to go to the authorities but he’d also give you a few good ideas for hiding spots.
Funnybot is the best comedian to come out of Germany since Michael Mittermeier. Sure, he’s no Olaf Schubert, but Funnybot can make any crowd uber-lachen. Unfortunately, he won’t help you hide a body. Who do you think he is, Bülent Ceylan?!
You all know the song! “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo. He loves me and I love you. Therefore he’ll help you hide a body.” With lyrics like that, you’d think this choo-choo riding poo-poo would be the first one with a shovel at the ready. But Mr. Hankey is more talk than walk. Besides, he’s always working. He’s the type to say yes to something he knows damn well he can’t fully commit to.
This cluster of deus-ex-crustaceans will stop at nothing to take over the human race, assuming we can’t think of who else it might be. They will happily hide any human body, but pretty soon they’ll be hiding yours too.
Sea-Man is a superhero bound by the code of the Super Best Friends. A defender of truth and virtue, Sea-Man would never agree to take on your load. Heh. Along with his life partner, Swallow, Sea-Man would instead cleanse you with his salty seafoam and blow you dry with the force of Neptune himself. Swallow would help you out though.
We’re not saying Captain Hindsight wouldn’t help hide a body. We’re just saying he’d get too caught up on how we should have done things differently so that we didn’t end up in this situation to begin with.
Always one to stand up for what’s right, Wendy Testaburger would not sit idly by as a crime went unreported. She’d tell you she’s gonna help out, but that’s just luring you into a trap for law enforcement. However, if she believed law enforcement was corrupt and that you were just a patsy, taking the fall for a corrupt mayor, cop, or hall monitor, then she’d at least keep lookout.
All jokes aside—which may be tough for the hilarious Jimmy Valmer—Jimmy is a stand-up guy. He’d keep your secret but he’s not helping you hide that body unless it’s gonna help him either win a comedy award or get some strange.
While his best friend Kyle may be iron-clad in his belief system, Stan Marsh is more of a blank page when it comes to morality. Sometimes his decisions are based on self-interest. But often, they are for the greater good, even if it means making a personal sacrifice. Stan might help you hide a dead body, but you better have a good reason for it being dead.
With few exceptions, Chef is the only adult in South Park who’s looking out for the children’s best interest. This one’s simple. If you’re a kid, Chef will do anything to keep you protected even if it means breaking a few laws. But if you’re an adult, you can go fudge yourself now.
Linda has proven her willingness and ability to cover up capital offenses on several occasions. However, these were all instances of self-interest. She’d definitely help you hide her piece of shit husband’s body though. Hell, she might even provide the body.
Bebe is yet another South Park resident who has gone to dangerous and illegal lengths to keep a conspiracy secret. So unless you’re hiding the body of some busybody elementary schooler who can’t keep their trap shut, Bebe’s not the one.