Trump Says Statue of Liberty Is “A Six, at Best”

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — President Trump commented on the appearance of the Statue of Liberty calling it a “six, at best” during a press conference on the Isareli-Palestinian conflict, sources who are surely trapped in a fever dream reported.

“Look at what the radical left has done to our once great country. You look at Lady Liberty who should be beautiful but is really like a six on a good day and it’s so sad,” said Trump to a bewildered press corps. “Perhaps we should look into making her beautiful again. We can give her a tremendous smile. Women always look better when they smile, don’t they? They love to smile, the women. But not so much anymore with what Crooked Joe did to the price of eggs. The women aren’t smiling anymore, you know? But you look and see that perhaps we’ll even give the statue a little more cleavage. I know Hegseth would like that, wouldn’t you?”

White House staffers say this is not the first time the president has commented on the Statue of Liberty’s physical appearance.

“He’s been talking about it for like a week. Cabinet members keep trying to get him to focus on these real issues but he just keeps interrupting and saying things like how ‘she would really look a lot better if we painted her gold, don’t you think?’ He also kept mentioning that she was an immigrant from France, perhaps undocumented. We’re all so confused,” said junior staffer Trent Lubbard. “He had me look up how to put eyeliner on the face of the statue somehow. He said they could probably do it from a helicopter. He’s a great man and I believe in his vision but even I sometimes wonder if this was all a huge mistake.”

Conservative pundit Karl Strungis says Trump has every right to change the appearance of the statue.

“As commander-in-chief with complete immunity, Trump is well within his constitutional right to modify in any way the Statue of Liberty, or really any national landmark for that matter,” said Strungis. “He can go ahead and make the statue look like Ivanka, or have his own face engraved onto the Vietnam Memorial for all I care as long as he distracts the general public long enough for the adults in the room to push through our agenda.”

At press time, Trump said to reporters that he was looking into doing something about “that real haggy-looking lady” on the Susan B. Anthony coin.

The Next Siskel & Ebert? These Two Buddies Watch a Lot of Porn Together

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

Nearly forty years ago, “Siskel & Ebert at the Movies” debuted on ABC, changing the face of film criticism forever. The program not only gave the moviegoing public guidelines on what was good, but it also offered millions of film nerds across the country the chance to identify with one of two middle-aged white men—portly and lovable populist Roger Ebert or the tall, dark, and handsome curmudgeon Gene Siskel.

Now, over 25 years after Gene Siskel’s death, Wyatt Camp and Ben Conn of Glencoe, Illinois, hope to bring that magic back. These two buddies keep the legacy alive through their favorite shared pastime: watching a lot of porn together. You may ask, how is this honoring the legacy of the two late Chicago legends? Not only do Wyatt and Ben watch at least twenty full porn scenes together a day, but after each viewing, they discuss every scene at length.

“At first, we just needed to find a shared activity to save our dying friendship,” Wyatt stated. “But we realized we both watch a lot of porn, so we might as well bond over it.”

When asked if the pair have any plans to showcase their discussions for the public, Ben said, “Like many things in my life, I’ve been wrong, but as of now, we have no plans to share our love of discussing porno with the world. We did develop our own system, though—a hard-on is our thumbs up, and flaccid is thumbs down.”

When asked if their dynamic was as antagonistic as that of Siskel and Ebert, Ben simply replied “It’s hard to argue with someone when you’re both fully erect.”

After seven years of uninterrupted porn-watching bliss, the boys had a falling out during the pandemic over diverging interests. Wyatt always had a preference for MILF and age-play videos. Ben was cool with it—they had an understanding. However, during the pandemic, Wyatt refused to watch anything other than lesbian videos featuring Hungarian grannies seducing Spanish college girls.

At the same time, Ben shifted from his usual preferred meat-and-potatoes anal and cuckold videos to foisting unwelcome triple-anal cuckold videos with racist undertones onto Wyatt.

After alienating the rest of their mutual friend group, Wyatt and Ben realized they had to mend things and find common ground again. They only had each other, after all. Nowadays, you’ll find the boys cracking open a couple of brewskis to the latest milking table fetish videos. Real friendship always endures hardship!

Man Caught Lying to Blind Date About His Band’s Font Size on Festival Poster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Frontman Dale Leinert humiliated himself after his blind date discovered the font size of his band on a local festival poster was nowhere near as big as he told her, sources close to the band have confirmed.

“No, no, no. See, what she needs to realize is the size of a band’s billing varies by what kind of paper the promoters use and if you’re looking at the flyer on your phone. I mean, is there really that much of a difference between 6 and 14 points? It’s a perfectly normal size in smaller entertainment markets,” said Leinert. “Doesn’t everyone exaggerate on the first date? If anything, the reason it seems smaller on the poster is because ‘Neutral Milk Hotel California’ is too long of a band name to fit in the middle of the bill. This is clearly a formatting issue and not a performance problem.”

Leinert’s date admitted she would not have cared so much about his band’s billing had he not made multiple attempts to gaslight her.

“I know some singers get self-conscious about their bill placement, but I’m not fucking stupid. He spent the entire night bragging how his band was on the same tier as Bouncing Souls, and when I pulled the flyer out of his pocket I saw they’re almost dead last next to some DJ I’ve never heard of,” said Emily Jones. “He was freaking out, so I told him lots of small bands actually sound bigger once they’re on stage but he kept trying to trick me into believing the problem was that women see fonts differently from men. Have fun with your 10 am time slot, asshole.”

The festival’s promoter acknowledged he’s relentlessly badgered by bands regarding their placement and size on the posters.

“It’s more than just politics and posturing, it’s one hundred percent about ego. Any promoter can tell you the very second festival lineups are announced, smaller bands start coming after our graphic designers to ‘enhance’ their names by putting it in Impact font or some bullshit,” said promoter Daniel Berry. “I don’t want to blow up anyone’s spot, but if someone you know sends you an unsolicited picture of the festival lineup they’re playing, chances are it’s been Photoshopped to look bigger. Just saying.”

At press time, Jones left in the middle of the date after Leinert relentlessly insisted to her that 200 streams a month is actually a lot for Spotify artists.

Devoted Christian Donald Trump Asks Priest “What’s That Black Shit on Everyone’s Forehead?”

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attended Ash Wednesday service at St. John’s Episcopal Church, Lafayette Square, where he reportedly asked the reverend performing the service why he was applying “black shit” to everyone’s forehead, confirmed sources.

“I love Ash Wednesday. Such a beautiful day of the week. As many know, I am a devout Christian and frankly the most religious President to ever hold the office, but I don’t understand why the reverend was drawing on everyone’s forehead with chimney soot. Maybe it’s a new thing they do,” Trump said. “I said, who am I, Bert from Mary Poppins? Remember Mary Poppins? You can watch it now on—they call it Disney Plus. I liked it better when it was called Netflix, but now they call it Disney Plus. Maybe they’ll change it back. Who knows.”

Witnesses claim the President’s confusion didn’t stop at the receiving of ashes.

“He thought the reverend was making a lowercase ‘t’ on everyone’s forehead for ‘Trump,’” said Sadie Wilkes, a congregation member at St. John’s. “When the reverend told him it was a cross he just said ‘oh’ and his face fell like a kid whose parents told him no more screen time. Trump immediately tried wiping it off after he said it was itchy. As a MAGA supporter and Christian, I’ll give him a pass.”

Reverend Robert W. Fisher confirmed the President was ignorant of the church’s Ash Wednesday ritual but quickly added that God loves all his children equally, even the “challenging ones.”

“I welcome President Trump’s curiosity,” said Reverend Fisher. “Any day I get to introduce someone to a facet of Christianity they’re not familiar with is a good day, as far as I’m concerned. That’s not to say that the service wasn’t a little bumpy. I could have done without Eric and Don Jr. making WOOSH noises and swinging around their palm leaves like lightsabers during my sermon, and, yes, I was taken aback when the President asked me to put some of the ashes in his Diet Coke so he would get ‘Jesus powers.’ But you know, love thy neighbor and whatnot.”

At press time, Trump asked the reverend if Easter will be in July or August this year.

I Remember When This Chippendales Job Wasn’t Just About Money — It Was About the Dick

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Back in my day, being a Chippendales dancer meant something. It wasn’t just a paycheck, a gig to pay for acting classes, or an easy way to rack up some extra drink tickets. No, it was about passion. It was about the dick.

And not just any dick — the essence of the dick. The commitment to the craft. The pursuit of perfection in every pelvic thrust, every body roll, every moment of intense, sweat-drenched eye contact with the screaming masses. We weren’t just dancing. We were serving.

These new guys? They don’t have the fire. They waltz in with their fake tans, their pre-choreographed routines, their airbrushed abs, and their overly manicured beards, treating this sacred art form like some high-production Vegas residency. Back in the golden age, you didn’t need a glow-up. You needed presence. You needed confidence. In a nutshell, you needed two things:

1. A mustache thick enough to make Tom Selleck nod in approval.
2. A schlong that filled a male G-string like a sausage casing at max capacity.

That was it. No gimmicks. No unnecessary flair. Just pure, unfiltered man musk.

I remember when the crowd didn’t care about spray tans or symmetry. They wanted non-stop gyration. They wanted a man so oiled up he was practically flammable. They wanted raw, untamed masculinity — an avalanche of chest hair, tight pants that left nothing to the imagination, and a body that looked like it had been sculpted by drinking straight whiskey and wrestling bears.

And we knew exactly why we were there. Not for Instagram followers. Not for “brand deals.” No, we were there for the bachelorette parties, the groups of schoolteachers cutting loose on summer break, the bored Midwestern housewives who needed some new dick gyrated in their faces before going back to their thankless, dickless marriages. We were there to restore faith, to remind them that passion still existed — even if only for three minutes at a time.

It was a time when a Chippendales dancer didn’t need a social media presence, just a commanding stage presence. When you didn’t have to worry about your “skin routine,” just whether or not you could keep up with You Can Leave Your Hat On without tearing a hamstring.

But now? Everything feels sanitized. Polished. Manufactured. The little bowties don’t even feel earned anymore.

Maybe I’ll see what’s happening over at Thunder From Down Under. Those dudes still understand what it means to put it all on the line. And by “it,” I mean their dicks.

Beautiful: Band and Audience Connect Over Desire for Gig to Be Over

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

PLANO, Texas — An incredible meeting of souls occurred last night as Christian punk band The Chastity Pistols and their audience forged a bond over their desperate need for the performance to end, confirmed sources who had better things to do.

“It was the kind of thing you think only happens to other people,” said showgoer Shenade Moore. “We were just like totally simpatico. The lack of energy in the room was incredible. We all felt it. Too often it can feel like there’s an impenetrable wall stopping us from connecting—really connecting—with the people around us, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth last night. It was impossible to tell where my indifference ended and the band’s began. All I know is we got 45 minutes of our time back to do what we wanted. I, for instance, went to Taco Bell. Perfect way to enhance an already beautiful evening.”

Band drummer Axe Blurn couldn’t agree more.

“So often you find yourself on a totally different wavelength from the audience and it sucks, but last night we felt each other completely. It was a really moving experience,” he said, wiping away a tear. “The opening few songs were total duds, I was tired, Dave the frontman was tired, the bassist, I forget his name, was tired, the crowd was tired. Hell, not even the rats in the bathroom were out in the open. No one was feeling it, and that was ok. In fact, it was transcendent. It was a great moment when Dave said we have one more song and everyone cheered.”

Part-time music scholar and full-time bouncer Clay Smith attributed this moment of synergy, akin to Radiohead at Glastonbury 1997 or Talking Heads’ performance for “Stop Making Sense,” to the openness of all present to feel bad at gigs as well as good.

“At the end of the day we go to concerts to unite,” said Smith. “Sometimes the spark for that is a great performance or a solo that expresses something that we never could with words. And sometimes it’s a shared sense of the night having run its course. Whatever form it takes, it’s a sacred and beautiful thing. There’s nothing more uplifting than hearing a crowd chant ‘no more songs’ after you end your set on an otherwise mediocre night.”

At press time, all involved had further bonded over a desire to never see each other again.

Tradwife Had No Idea There’d Be This Much Anal Involved

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND — Devoted tradwife Becky Johanson was reportedly shocked with the amount of anal involved with the lifestyle, reported wide-eyed neighbors and friends.

“I was looking to connect with my husband, Trevor, on a deeper level, personally and spiritually. Honestly, I thought a tradwife just meant adhering to traditional gender roles in marriage, like doing laundry and washing dishes. I had no idea it also meant getting railed night after night from behind,” said Johanson while holding several unusually large homegrown eggplants. “After meeting with other tradwives in the area and getting to know their husbands very deeply, it was clear this was rampant in the community. It’s been three months and he thinks it’s really pulling us closer together, but I just wish I could have a couple weeks to let my anus recover from the constant cornholing.”

Johanson’s husband Trevor seemed unsure about the lifestyle, but appeared to have adjusted to the level of control he’s expected to levy on his wife.

“I didn’t really know what the fuck a tradewife was, and honestly I still don’t care what all the details are,” said Mr. Johanson while browsing the wives in the neighborhood directory. “Becky was going on and on about some shit she read online and suddenly I heard the phrase ‘she shall submit’ in the description and just thought, ‘hey, whatever my wife wants, she’s gonna fucking get it.’ I bust my ass down at the Home Depot and the least she can do is cook the meals, clean the house, raise the kids, and yes, three and half hours of butt stuff on a nightly basis. This is traditionally how couples did things according to the Bible, when men were men and women were women. At least that’s how I think they did it. I’ve never read that thing.”

Gregory Adams of the Family Foundation says the tradwife movement truly captures the essence of the Christian American family structure.

“This is about making communities stronger. It’s not just about the bond between a husband and his wife. It’s about strengthening the bond between a husband, his wife, her friends, her sisters, maybe the babysitter if everyone else is out of town,” said Adams while blacking out all the “F” curse words in his copy of ‘“The Handmaid’s Tale.” “It’s also important for men to connect with their friends on a higher level; too many men end up without a place to share feelings, but in the tradwife movement, they’ll have plenty to talk about with their buddies.

At press time, Mrs. Johanson also revealed that she had no idea that she’d have to post so much content about being a tradwife on Instagram and TikTok constantly as part of the stipulations.

Here’s the Best Sports Gear You’ll Need To Prepare for the Mad Max Apocalypse Six Months From Now

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Let’s face it: when it comes to athletic competition, you’ll take every advantage you can get. The race doesn’t always have to go to the quickest of feet or the golf round to the whitest of WASP; the right sports gear makes all the difference in the world.

The sports equipment and apparel industry is currently experiencing a boom like never before, which is great because pretty soon their products will be all that you have to survive in the brutal, “Mad Max” apocalypse that’s coming in six months. While guzzaline and aqua cola may be scarce and death lurks around every corner, the real key to survival will be your athletic equipment.

That’s why we’ve broken down the best pieces of sports gear to survive six months from now, when your comfortable office job seems like a dream as you eat dog food from a can and cower from the hordes of the great warlord Vivisectus!

Football Shoulder Pads: As we all know, surviving in the devastation of human civilization that will occur right around your next birthday is a contact sport. You’re going to need some high-quality shock absorption for your upper body, which is why now is the time to invest in a good set of NFL-endorsed shoulder pads to protect you in the Thunderdome. Bonus: they look great festooned with spikes and human bones!

Soccer Shin Guards: These may not be the most glamorous piece of sports equipment out there, but in less than half a year when the country has been burnt to a cinder by fire and drowned in water, you’ll be glad your shins are protected! Guard your soft, moist, delicious flesh and shin bones, lest you be slowed by injury and fall behind the rest of Holy Vivisectus’s horde.

You know what happens to easy prey in the wake of the horde. Or at least you will by late summer, at most.

Lacrosse Transparent Full Body Armor: Some people call lacrosse a “niche sport” or “for asshole preppies,” but one thing is certain: the transparent, vacuum-molded full body that is standard issue for midfield and defense will be very handy in the atomic wasteland you’ll be living in before your latest job is even worth putting on your resume. Not only does it protect you from opposing lacrosse attackmen, but it hides the horror of your irradiated flesh from the world!

Steel Hockey Mask: We won’t even get into why this will help in the Future Times, because we’re sure you already have one hanging in your closet for sex reasons.

Eye Black: When you’re out in the Blasted Lands, just cruising for any wanderers you can cannibalize, you’re going to want to protect your eyes. Look like the cool guys in the former NFL from when times were better and green vegetation still existed by coating your undereye area in light-deflecting eye black, though nothing will protect you the memories of all you’ve done to survive in the last few months.

Razor Boomerang: While most people think of a razor-sharp chrome boomerang as a toy for kids, it actually can have multiple uses in the waking nightmare that you will live in far sooner than you could possibly imagine! You can dig with it! Cut sandwiches! Throw it into the heads of rival marauders from a great distance!

When you’ve got a boomerang and all rules of humanity are out the window, the world’s your oyster. Which also won’t exist anymore in six months, by the way.

Man’s Party Trick Successfully Listing All Black Flag Vocalists in Order

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.

“We were celebrating finding out that whatever my buddy Horst had wasn’t scabies,” Ragnar said. “Just when it seemed like things were winding down, I got everyone’s attention and just said ‘Keith Morris, Ron Reyes, Dez Cadena, Henry Rollins, Mike Vallely, Ron Reyes, Mike Vallely.’ As usual, people were mouthing ‘motherfucker’ not only from the fact that I knew the name of ‘the other one’ but also that I remembered the ‘My War’ shows he did with them in ‘03. I swear, even Cronus, in his Wild Turkey-and-Hawaiian Punch-induced blackout seemed to process it long enough to applaud before puking into the freezer.”

Kurt Lawton, a long-time friend of Ragnar’s, admitted to feelings of envy regarding his incredible ability.

“I love Randy, but I know to not even bother with my standby of putting out a cigarette on that one part of my gums that had gone completely numb due to nerve damage,” Lawton said while fact-checking him online. “I could cut off my tongue and swallow it whole and it wouldn’t be half as impressive as what he pulls off. He’s like a modern day Nostradamus. And don’t think you can trip him up by asking him about ‘Flag,’ either. Just take it from me.”

Black Flag founder and only consistent member Greg Ginn was also in awe of Ragnar’s skill.

“I know that people expect that I, the guy who started Black Flag, would be able to at least know the first names of every guy who’s handled vocals for us,” Ginn said. “Let’s see, we had Keith, Henry, and that guy…Rick, is that it? There’s a couple others, aren’t there? Honestly, when the new guy joined, I tried my best to remember but eventually, I just called him ‘Champ’ and ultimately kinda stuck with that. I can’t, however, name a single one of our drummers. Probably doesn’t matter anyway.”

At press time, Ragnar had further stunned guests when he revealed he had listened to Black Flag’s 2013 album “What The…” “at least five or six times.”

Democrats Give Book of the Year Award to “The Let Them Theory”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party announced their plans to respond to recent political upheaval by awarding the Book of the Year prize to bestselling pop-psychology book “The Let Them Theory,” which prioritizes self-care over conflict, sources confirmed while rubbing their temples.

“‘The Let Them Theory’ united us around the idea that there are many situations that the Democratic Party simply cannot control, and chief among them is the fate of the country,” said New York Senator Chuck Schumer. “If we tried to stop the Republicans, it would show them that we care, which is tantamount to giving away our power. At the end of the day, and possibly at the end of democracy, playing hardball is not a productive use of our energy. In fact, to cope with the ultimate demise of democracy, we recommend everyone read ‘The Art of Letting Go.’”

Mel Robbins, who wrote “The Let Them Theory” by lifting its major tenets from a poem written by Cassie Phillips, felt honored that her message had reached Capitol Hill.

“The elected and unelected leaders of this country are absolutely toxic, and as I write in my book, toxic people don’t change,” Robbins explained. “The healthiest thing the Democrats can do to respond to this illegal power grab is draw boundaries, disengage, and protect themselves — and their seats in congress. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is fight fascism for your constituents.”

While the book may be all the rage in the current moment, it’s far from a new idea, according to World War II scholar Gila Pfefferman, PhD.

“Many elected officials throughout history have decided to ‘let them,’ such as the Vichy government in France,” said Pfefferman. “They made the decision to work with the Nazis instead of getting their hands dirty and mounting a resistance, and we’re seeing Democrats practicing the same kind of radical acceptance now. Let’s be real, if ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ doesn’t make their way onto their bookshelves some time soon, they may never hold power again.”

At press time, the Trump administration was hard at work reestablishing diplomatic relations with Russia, while the Democrats were reaching across the aisle to hand copies of “The Let Them Theory” to their Republican colleagues.