Birds. They’re majestic, they’re symbolic, they’re entirely made up. As anyone in the know knows, all birds were eradicated by the early ’70s and replaced with surveillance drones, but are they any good at it?
We took a close look at every official state “bird” (Bipedal Intelligence Reconnaissance Drone,) and ranked them by their efficiency as a spy for the shadow government.
(Note: Some unoriginal states decided sharing the same state bird was fine, we disagree.)
32. California Gull: Utah
Well, the deep state really dropped the ball on this one. Not only is this gull patrolling the wrong state (it’s right in the name!) but we have it on good authority that half of these guys are still actual birds.
31. Delaware Blue Hen: Delaware
It scores over the California Gull because it exists in the place that’s in its name. It’s not actually much of a spy, but then it wasn’t designed for spying. Like the bird it impersonates, the blue hen is a fighter, essentially an army of sleeper agents ready and waiting to eviscerate the citizens of Delaware should the need arise. While real blue hens relied on their razor-sharp talons, the drone model is equipped with detailed files on the human anatomy and an expert-level proficiency in Krav Maga.
30. Greater Roadrunner: New Mexico
Don’t let the cartoons fool you, a coyote is twice as fast as a roadrunner and can eat them easily. In fact, just about all they’re good for is filling coyote guts with valuable robot parts. They’re an obsolete model and will soon be replaced.
29. Mountain Bluebird: Idaho, Nevada
There’s not a ton of espionage/potato crossover honestly, and Nevada has its own non-bird robot means of constant surveillance.
28. Rhode Island Red: Rhode Island
Another not-quite-spy drone, but certainly no spring chicken (get it?) when it comes to disenfranchising American chickens. This game “bird’s” robotic endoskeleton synthesizes cornmeal into a complex protein that resembles flesh but is actually designed to reduce testosterone in alpha males when consumed.
27. Hermit Thrush: Vermont
This chunky little drone keeps our government abreast on Vermont’s production of craft beer, weed, and syrup allowing for up-to-the-minute stock price fixing.
26. American Robin: Connecticut, Michigan, Wisconsin
Harbinger of Spring, or collector of data?! Well, birds are fake, so obviously it’s the second one, the data one. Most people think that robins fly south for the winter, but they’re there, up in the trees, watching and waiting. The government named these drones “robins” after the popular D.C. comics character Robin since their orange bellies resemble his costume. They are efficient spies, though the unnatural blue tint to their “eggs” (Encased Growth Globulal,) is kind of a dead giveaway.
25. Baltimore Oriole: Maryland
The Baltimore Oriole is known for its pleasant whistling song, but the history of that song is darker than you would ever guess. It was designed by the CIA MK-Ultra program to manipulate brainwaves and keep the citizens of Baltimore docile. That same song can change frequency, forcing undesirables to drive their car into the nearest body of water. If you’ve made enemies in the deep state, beware the oriole.
24. Bananaquit: Virgin Islands
These yellow white and gray robots prefer congregating in parks and gardens, the type of places people exchanging secrets like to meet, coincidence?! Well, obviously not. Birds are spies.
23. Purple Finch: New Hampshire
This pretty little imposter’s conical choad-like beak was originally designed to fit perfectly into ethernet ports allowing for high-speed data uplink. They will be replaced with a more wi-fi friendly model by 2030.
22. Black-Capped Chickadee: Massachusetts
You won’t read this in any history book, but before 1959 everyone in Massachusetts talked normal. Massachusetts was one of the first states to have its bird population fully eradicated and replaced with drones. Unfortunately, the coms signals used to control the birds still had some kinks to be worked out. As a result, the Black-capped Chickadee emits low-level radiation that impairs the speech center of every human brain in the ol’ Bay State.
21. Brown Pelican: Louisiana
Of the 7 “species” of “Pelicans” (lies!) only the brown pelican dives from the sky to catch its prey in the water. That’s the official government line anyway. In truth, the brown pelican is one of the government’s few captured drones hiding amongst so-called birds. Unruly Cajuns are collected in the drone’s large pouches and brought to black-site facilities for interrogation and eventual murder.
20. Brown Thrasher: Georgia
With a brown hugh that blends perfectly into Georgia shrubbery, the brown thrasher is indeed an efficient spy. They’ve been known to protect their “nests” (Nanobot Egg Static Trajectory Sites,) very aggressively, pecking humans hard enough to draw blood. In the event of an uprising, however, the birds are authorized to target lethal pressure points.
19. Cactus Wren: Arizona
Even cactus thorns can’t stop this little guy from doing their job: spying on drug cartels in the desert and making sure the meth gets to the right neighborhoods.
18. California Quail: California
For the golden state, where the liberal elite propaganda machine never sleeps, the government employs one of its top surveillance drones. The tracking devices embedded in their “droppings” (Droneborn Remote Operating Poop Pin Intelligence Network GPS,) are state of the art, and the trademark topknot of feathers conceals a specialty antenna designed to stop the birds from losing their signal in even the least convenient terrain.
17. Carolina Wren: South Carolina, Maine
The Carolina Wren is sensitive to cold weather, but sometime in the mid-1900s, right around the time the government started replacing all the birds with drones, they started becoming more popular in the north. Coincidence?! Well, no. Clearly, they can survive cold now because they’re robots. People who believe in global warming think that’s the reason, but it’s robots.
Yeah so right off the bat I’m breaking the rules and including what is technically an EP of Led Zeppelin covers in the album rankings. It did originally come out on 12” though so fuck it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with doing a cover song. It can help pad the time on a set and might even be the only time you get an audience to move around a bit because they actually know a song you’re playing. But recording an entire album (or EP) of covers reeks of self-indulgence. If you really want to listen to a whole album of cover songs just go listen to any actual Led Zeppelin since it’s all old blues songs that they stole* anyway.
“This next one is a new one” might be one of the most feared sentences to be uttered by a band. Everyone loves a reunion, and getting the band back together is almost always a good idea. It’s when the decision to make new music comes into play that things get sketchy. Luckily this reunion release mostly came with the goods but at 14 songs it starts to lose the plot a little bit. Points awarded though for the cover design. The geometric shapes that have the word “Ox” hidden in them are a nice departure from the Photoshop vomit that was on their earlier work and that plagued almost every band in the late ‘90s.
If you are friends with someone who is of a certain age and is into this era of hardcore go text them right now “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME.” No seriously go do it, we’ll wait. If they don’t immediately reply with “SOME SORT OF APOLOGY” block them forever because they are frauds. A couple guitar riffs here come dangerously close to being nu-metal but I’ll let it slide since there were no Adidas tracksuits or white guy dreadlocks involved.
Maybe the only good thing to happen with Coalesce covering all those Zeppelin songs is that they came out the other end of it with some grooviness added to their repertoire. James Dewees must’ve gotten all the jokiness out of his system after doing his first Reggie and the Full Effect album because he is throwing down some serious ass drumming. I’m guessing they had a few extra dollars for the recording budget since this was on Relapse because it is their best-sounding album. Sometimes selling out is waking up.
This album starts off at full speed from the first second. No feedback, no intro, no quiet whisper talking, or a creepy sample from an old violent movie. Just straight into dirty, blistering anger that doesn’t let up for a moment. Lyrically it gets a little iffy at times. Like in “Have Patience” Ingram seems to be mad about Charles Darwin for some reason? But honestly, just turn the little mic icon off on Spotify and enjoy because you can’t understand what he’s saying anyway.
Personally, I find this to be the least likely scenario, but that’s exactly why God, if he does exist, is probably pissed. If I’m gonna get smote I don’t wanna be wearing a lame shirt with buttons on it.
I don’t wanna be all “You ever think about that man?!” but like, you ever think about that, man? If our entire existence is a computer-generated lie how would we know? And it stands to reason that if this is a simulation it could all end at a keystroke or pulling of a plug in the real world. It’s just like “The Matrix,” or that TV movie “World on a Wire” from the ‘70s. Oh, you’ve never seen “World on a Wire?” I have. Then again, I don’t have a job.
For all we know they’ve already found their Caesar and are amassing their forces as we speak. I’m pretty sure the Lawgiver isn’t gonna give a crap whether or not I can use Microsoft Excel.
What if the building blocks of the universe have an expiration date? How would we know until every solid thing starts to erode and crumble? When that happens do you want to be trying to impress some dork who manages a shipping warehouse, or do you wanna be beating Donkey Kong Country again loaded on bong hits and Utz cheeseballs?
It’s just floating up there, a giant rock the size of our country, and we’re just supposed to trust that it stays put? If the moon falls down, which could theoretically happen at any second, we’re all pretty much toast. It would be like that movie “Moonfall!” I think. Gotta be honest even with unlimited time on my hands I never found time to watch “Moonfall.”
That’s right, there are volcanoes on the earth so big that if they blow up we would all die. How any living person can sit with that knowledge in their head and still muster the will to say “Thank you for calling Verizon customer support, how can I help you today?” is beyond me.
At one point all matter in the universe was condensed into one object the size of a thimble and then exploded in an event known as the big bang. We still don’t really know how matter got condensed like that in the first place, so why are we so certain that it won’t happen again? Maybe that’s all the universe does, just contracts and explodes like waves on a cosmic beach. But I digress. You asked where I see myself in 5 years?
At any given moment the polarity of the earth could switch, literally turning our world upside down and flinging us all into space in the process. The only reason they haven’t made a movie about it is because the movie would be over in like two seconds.
It’s the hottest year on record, so you gotta wonder how much longer those polar ice caps can really hold. Sure some of us might survive in some “Waterworld” type scenario (you’ve never seen “Waterworld?”) but those survivors will just succumb to ancient bacteria that’s been trapped in the ice for thousands of years. Long story short, Costco won’t survive, even if they do start at $15 an hour.
Sort of like the simulation scenario but with a trippy “St. Elsewhere” twist. Wait, you’ve never seen “St. Elsewhere?” Wow, I’ve watched so many more things than you, weird.
Ten years ago this seemed a lot more far-fetched, but between the recent uptick in sightings, declassified Navy videos, and government whistleblowers coming out of the woodwork, the prospect of Earth being invaded by extraterrestrials seems more when than if. For all we know my video game skills could be what saves us, like in the movie “The Last Starfighter.” You haven’t seen it? Man, what do you do all day?
It’s pretty obvious that people are getting crazier out there. Every mass shooting, vehicular slaughter, and celebrity Presidential nomination brings us closer and closer to the tipping point. Take it from a guy who has had the free time to watch every Purge movie and every season of “The Walking Dead” at least twice, the greatest threat is man.
We all saw what a piss-poor job the world’s governments did at handling Covid, imagine how hard they’ll drop the ball if a zombie outbreak happens. Diseases are mutating all the time, and all it would take is some version of rabies that works a teensy bit faster to wipe us all out. Surely you’ve seen some of the many, many movies that illustrate my point. Not as many as me, an unemployed leech living it up in his mom’s basement, but some.
The sun is unpredictable, coma, man. At any given moment old man Apollo could just up and shoot an ark of fire right at us powerful enough to burn our world to a cinder. Even if it’s not big enough to kill us, it could wipe out all of our satellites, destroying our technology in an instant and hurtling the world into chaos. Plus like, references? I barely know anyone.
With all those scientists messing around with all those large hadron colliders and whatnot, it’s pretty much only a matter of time before they start some chain reaction that destroys the world. We’re just one chaotic neutral egghead going “I wonder what this button does” away from a man-made black hole sucking us all into oblivion. Plus this personality assessment is super long and boring. It’s a grocery store, is this really necessary?
First off: This album is really, really good front-to-back. Second off/the dark side: We can’t rank ‘em all last, first, or even fifth, as there are no ties here, and no crying in baseball. Sorry. 2018’s “Simulation Theory” and its subsequent grandiose tour both feature a lot of diversity, positive ‘80s throwbacks that musically shout out “Tron,” general rockage that would make Tom Morello smile, and catchy-ass melodies for the most bitter of bitter bitter bitters. Still, this album had and has the least amount of replay value of the bunch. If you disagree, and we know that at least some or all you will, get up and fight, just not anyone that you’re stronger than. Fun footnote: Once you make it through the full record, dig down, and check out the alternate reality, UCLA Bruin Marching Band, and even acoustic gospel version of these eleven songs; no pressure.
Even though the title track of this potentially overlooked album in the age of oversaturation echoes the now canceled svengali/cult leader/fashion icon/author Marilyn Manson’s biggest hit “A Beautiful Mind,” “Will of the People,” Muse’s most recent and ridiculously, ridiculously diverse full-length album, is NOT their worst album by a one shot. Fact? Opinion! It’s slightly better than its predecessor, and a tad bit worse than the band’s debut. Fact? Liberation! Anyway, two of Muse’s best song titles, and it must be said on record, not best songs, are featured here: the dark like the day “You Make Me Feel Like It’s Halloween,” and the light like the night “We Are Fucking Fucked.” The album cover showcasing both an homage to “Planet of the Apes” and a bastardized version of Mount Rushmore would make a good t-shirt at the La Brea Tar Pits gift shop as well.
Prove yourself: “Showbiz” haters will say that it sounds exactly like Radiohead, especially the band’s earlier, more rocking, and less hipster-y stuff, and its lovers will likely say exactly the same, but will still have an affinity for it… Despite being partially optimistic and in limbo, what a freaking let down with no surprises! Still, regardless of whether you’re in lust, faith, or dreams with Muse’s lone studio album from Prince’s favorite year AND last century, you can’t deny that it’s their first one! Well, you can, and many of you plebs will, but you shouldn’t. There’s something in the water (does not compute) and we’re not optimistic. Back to 1999’s “Showbiz”: Musicians and “musicians” reading here, just check out the intro from the tune in our “play it again” section; it’s nasty in a WWF way and not in a spoiled and crusty one.
Panic station in the form of a caps-lock inquiry sans grammar: “HOW DID THIS ALBUM GET RANKED HIGHER THAN SHOWBIZ WTF AM I DUMB WA WA WA?” To that, we respond with normal syntax because we have at least a second-grade reading ability and/or a bachelor’s degree in English from an accredited university that we didn’t get into because of our parents’ connections: Make your own damn list, animals. Another opinion worth mentioning that may inspire violence on your end: “Survival,” the band’s song from the fucking Olympics, is the band’s catchiest and most aurally pleasing single, and you can find it at track number five on 2012’s “The 2nd Law.” We will hopefully not perish on that hill. While haters will say that Muse made a shitty EDM album, true fans know that the band blends genres better than most, and that this album is stadium worthy.
“Drones,” another Muse album that you likely missed due to you being a dumbass, is their best album post-2009, and it is easily the band’s hardest rocking effort in their expansive and expensive catalog. You may not think that that is much of a compliment, but the band released four full-lengths after 2009, and all of them were good in their own way, and better than you in all. Don’t @ us if you disagree, but also please @ us if you do. Also, drill sergeants are scary, and Hoobastank also let us know the same on their oft-undiscussed 2006 LP “Every Man For Himself;” at least we’re moving forward. In a random seemingly pretentious but not really random or pretentious annotation to end this section, Muse singer/guitarist/pianist/deity Matt Bellamy shares a co-write with composer Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina on this album’s closing/title track. (Have) mercy!
WE could be wrong, we CAN’T be wrong: 2009’s “The Resistance” is Muse’s most successful album, and it truly shows in its eleven fantastic songs that take each listener on a Space Mountain-esque peak-and-valley adventure minus the vomit. The band started this LP with a high-quality one-two-three punch featuring three of its four singles and also pulled a Coheed and Cambria comic book-worthy one-two-three kick in sonic AF glory with the closers. Like C&C lead singer Zach de la Rocha once sang/screamed/rapped/alluded to on Circa Survive’s “Vheissu,” one literally needs an overture to cross-pollinate, and will subsequently beg the bugs for redemption. Back to “The Resistance:” The band self-produced this effort, and sometimes when groups do such, the production suffers in the egotistical worst way, but not here! No, no, no. In closing and opening, the following three albums have zero “skip it” tracks!
Revelation sans a black hole: This 2006 LP is definitely the one that shot Muse into the stratosphere stateside in a then-modern form of The British Invasion, and we U.S. Americans will take it with an extra side of saturated fats! Recorded at FIVE different studios, which at first glance makes it look like an ‘80s hair metal record without the lobster, cocaine, escargot, and champagne budget, “Black Holes and Revelations” is the band’s first full-length to be put into the famous-even-to-famous-people Queen category, and you can take that smart posit however you want, just tip your bartender and stop drooling. Also, it’s difficult to find an album closer as revered, hummable, powerful and grandiose as “Knights of Cydonia,” which the band also epically starts some shows with as well. In closing, the drumming on this album from Dominic Howard needs far more fanfare; it’s utterly supermassive here.
Muse’s second album “Origin of Symmetry” is in second place here, and you know we’re right whilst feeling good about this placement even if you don’t; if you don’t, don’t. Hot take alert: If tracks 1-5, five of the best sequential songs of all time, were repeated as tracks 6-10, citizen erased the original 6-11, and then the album just stopped, it would’ve been the winner here. Yep! Anyway, 2001 was a great year for mainstream rock with Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American,” Incubus’ “Morning View,” and System of a Down’s “Toxicity” and Muse’s sophomore effort here can effortlessly hang with all of the above in a non-awkward manner. Still, we still can’t figure out why “Origin of Symmetry” connected with SO many outside of America, yet didn’t here when it came out. Basically, it was a futurism grower-not-a-shower in the states. Better late than never, eh? Don’t answer that!
This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world: Bass guitar fans in the know bow down to Chris Wolstenholme in every way, and especially on his work on “Absolution,” but rock heads should make this 2003 LP their protective blanket for the upcoming apocalypse, which Muse politely asked for in typical European fashion. Absolutely. Absolution-ly. Absolut Vodka. Anyway, If Muse released just one album as is, this one should be it. The small print that should be larger, bolded and italicized: There is not a second wasted on Muse’s third LP, which normally is strictly given to those with a hairy tummy, but this one somehow appeals to the bare-chested! In fact, it does so endlessly! To close this piece out, we like it when bands have “Intro” and “Interlude” tracks. Dive into “Absolution,” and give us your heart and your soul!