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Opinion: Why Even Make the Funeral Open Casket If I’m Not Allowed To Smack the Corpse Up a Bit?

To begin with, I’d like to formally apologize to anyone I may have offended during the funeral of Lucas Hodge, the father of my current girlfriend Dawn. To be totally honest, we’ve only been together for like three months and it’s not that serious and I probably shouldn’t have been there to begin with, so some of the blame really should be on her.

But furthermore, and more to the point, what’s even the point of having the whole deal be open casket if I’m not supposed to get a few post-mortem haymakers in there? What kind of God would be into that?

Admittedly, I’ll say, I know I got a bit out of hand. I mean, you get those first few slaps in there and then suddenly you’re straddling the coffin like a bronco and screaming about how your own father never showed up to Little League practice. But I thought that was supposed to be the point of this – and I’d like to thank Dawn for pulling me off of the body, wherever she is now.

In my previous experiences, we keep those vampire containers closed so that exactly this sort of thing doesn’t happen. I would’ve loved to get a few final smacks in on my late aunt Rhonda, but the funeral directors had the foresight to close the lid on that judgemental asshole, so I was denied the opportunity.

Also, I want to apologize to Dawn’s aunt Carol for that wild elbow I threw that caught her right in the eye socket. I was just kinda in the zone at that point, but honestly Aunt Carol, why did you think you could stop me? I’m way more athletic than you.

Look, every culture has its own funerary rite. The Vikings sent their dead adrift and set them on fire. But I get a little bit violent with a blank cadaver and somehow I’m the asshole?! Let’s get some consistency in here already!

So what have I learned? First off, I’m probably not welcome in that church anymore. Second, just because the door is up, it’s not an invitation to go full “Roadhouse” on some unsuspecting stiff. Doesn’t matter how good it may feel in the moment – you just gotta stuff those feelings down and ignore the obvious brutality outlet at your disposal.

And Dawn, if I can get that suit jacket back I would appreciate it. Sorry about all the formaldehyde stains.