Satanic Panic? This Member of The Satanic Temple Has Anxiety

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Satanic panics are all the rage right now. Thanks to the concerned Facebook posts of Christian mothers, devilish imagery receives frequent engagement online and at any event with red lighting or a Party City devil costume. But this resurgence doesn’t faze local woman Allison Crane, a card-carrying member of The Satanic Temple whose severe anxiety makes every day a Satanic panic.

Pop stars like Sam Smith, Kim Petras, and Lil Nas X get a lot of credit for starting new Satanic panics, but they wouldn’t hold a ritualistic candle to Allison if she wasn’t afraid to leave her apartment. She even experiences Satanic panic inside her overpriced living space. That flickering burnt-out light in the kitchen? It’s pretty spooky but not as nerve-wracking as filing a maintenance request for someone to come over and fix it.

Allison’s rare public appearances spawn some pretty impressive Satanic panic attacks. Sure, people online are more concerned with finding subliminal messages in reversed music videos, but Allison’s still haunted by her last Trader Joe’s run. How is she supposed to sleep at night knowing she saw two of her former classmates in the produce aisle without greeting them?

The worst part of the situation? She specifically drove to this Trader Joe’s on the other side of town because she can’t go back to the one in her own neighborhood. She’s not outright banned or anything, but she said “You’re welcome” to a cashier who told her to have a great day. No way in hell is she showing her face in there after that debacle.

She’d sooner attend church with her parents again than be perceived by her neighbors one more time. Hell, she probably will. They want her to join them for Easter vigil and she doesn’t have the heart to tell them that her book club meets that afternoon. If they find out she’s in one book club, they’ll try to get her to join their book club which meets in front of an incredibly creepy Jesus statue — the one that she joined The Satanic Temple to protest, no less.

At least she has time to think it over while she drives across town to a third grocery store. Her Friday night pizza ritual can continue as planned so long as she doesn’t hyperventilate in this place’s frozen food section.

Goth Does Semi-Truck Fist Pump Thing as Hearse Drives By

Posted on by Chris Bowen

TRENTON, N.J. — Local goth Alex Stemens enthusiastically fist pumped a nearby hearse in hopes they would blow their giant air horn, several chalky white-faced sources report.

“I always like to let hearse drivers know that I appreciate everything they do, and show my solidarity with them,” Stemens explained. “Oftentimes, whenever I clench my fist and pump it in the air for an oncoming hearse, I can see their faces glow before looking away. And I’m sure it’s a tough job for them, what with all the having to go around cemeteries so often and not being able to take pictures and all. I know that would be pretty damn stressful for me. I’m still hoping one of them blows their horn and it plays ‘The Munsters’ theme or something cool like that.”

Richard Kulis, a hearse driver for the Kulis & Bushnell Funeral Home for over 40 years, is more than just confused over instances like this.

“In all my years in the business, I still have no idea what to do whenever I see the vampire types make that horn-thing gesture,” Kulis explained. “I mean, do they want me to lay on my horn during the funeral procession? Flash the lights? Do it back? Normally I just look at them then pretend to look at the road or my phone while driving. I guess it’s better than them asking me for autographs like they did in the ‘90s.”

Elder goth Tracy “Fangs” Romona used experiences from their decades-long presence in the scene to weigh in on the wholesome gesture.

“Goths as well as hearse operators know the universal game they play with each other,” Romona said while selling their prized two-headed fetus in a jar on eBay for money towards Sisters of Mercy tickets. “It’s also like when goths see any black cats in public. It’s ingrained in our psyche to immediately pet them on the head or do that ‘pspspsps’ noise to get them to come over. Or also like when goths see a picture of our lord and savior Robert Smith, you tap the tip of your nose for good luck. Goths love superstitions.”

At press time, Stemens was seen saluting a Home Depot employee for everything she does putting up the displays during Halloween season.

Gin Blossoms Finally Acknowledge White Privilege of Letting Cops Chase You Around and Facing Zero Repercussions

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TEMPE, Ariz. — ‘90s alt rockers Gin Blossoms finally acknowledged their white privilege that enabled them to “drive around this town” being chased by the cops without any repercussions, confused and old listeners of Sirius XM’s “Lithium” confirmed.

“Anyone who’s heard our music is well aware of our extreme level of whiteness. Heck, we’re routinely ranked between Savage Garden and Toad the Wet Sprocket as the ‘most likely to sunburn indoors’ rock groups of the ‘90s. But we didn’t learn until recently about the privilege that comes along with being the alt rock equivalent of mayonnaise on Wonder Bread,” explained bassist Bill Leen. “It’s important now that we recognize that not every band could spend the day letting the cops chase them without facing arrest, or worse. Let’s just say if it was Living Colour in that situation, the song ‘Hey Jealousy’ would have ended very differently.”

Random Tempe woman commuting to work Shawna Howard described a related run-in with Leen.

“I saw this middle-aged white guy walking down the street and briefly stopping and speaking to every person of color. When he reached me, he said ‘I’m sorry.’ I asked for what and then he explained he’s in the Gin Blossoms. I got excited thinking they were the guys who wrote that song from ‘The Babysitters Club’ movie but apparently that was Better Than Ezra?” said Howard. “I suppose I appreciate what he’s trying to do, even if it may negatively affect his career. Because let’s face it, bands like his mostly play midwestern state fairs, and those places are teeming with corn dog-eating, anti-woke white people.”

Former MTV VJ and ‘90s rock scene staple Matt Pinfield elaborated on this emerging trend among aging rock bands.

“The one consistent throughline in the story of grunge and alternative rock is white privilege. I mean, how else could a band like Matchbox Twenty receive a record contract and radio play without it,” said Pinfield. “But Zoomers that are now discovering this music are viewing these lyrics through a different lens than their parents. First, consider the so-called ‘dark secret’ behind the boathouse in The Toadies’ ‘Possum Kingdom.’ And it’s probably best to just avoid the thorny issue that is King Missile’s ‘Detachable Penis.’”

In response to Gin Blossom’s newly found empathy and atonement, Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind has vowed to continue being the biggest asshole of ‘90s rock.

Review: Radiohead “Kid A”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review an album that we probably should have when it came out. This week we’re looking at Radiohead’s iconic “Kid A.”

Ah, yes. Radiohead. The Reel Big Fish of electronica. The Limp Bizkit of experimental music. The Taylor Swift of art rock. A lot of things could be said about this band. Especially this critically acclaimed record.

I remember the first time I ever heard “Kid A” way back in the early 2000s. I had just downloaded a copy from the file-sharing behemoth known as LimeWire. If you don’t remember, LimeWire was like Spotify but totally illegal because artists didn’t get any money from it. Unlike Spotify where they at least get spare change here and there.

Anyway, this album was my very first introduction to the ‘Head, and boy was I floored. The first “Kid A” track I downloaded was an MP3 of their song “Creep.” Simply incredible vibes. Next, I got M4As of “Karma Police” and “High and Dry.” I’m telling you, it was such a mind-blowing start to a piece of work that it almost sounded like it could be a greatest hits album.

From there, “Kid A” kind of took a turn. The next songs that I downloaded were “MmmBop,” “Enter Sandman,” and “Mambo No. 5.” I had heard this band got pretty experimental but I was not expecting this kind of range.

At one point it sounded like I was listening to seven or eight different bands on one album. That being said, I think my favorite Radiohead song of all time is definitely “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing to F’ With.” That’s track 24 on the album. Not enough experimental art rock bands incorporate hip-hop into their sound.

This album is an absolute classic and quite possibly the most experimental record of all time. If you’re a Radiohead fan, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. It’s just too bad LimeWire had to shut down due to the rampant copyright infringement because I never would’ve found the classic song “Smells_Like_TeenSpirit” by Third Eye Blind without them.

Score: Kid A+

/**/

White Jeans Attempted

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BRUNSWICK, Maine — Determined punk Leroy Ainsley decided to throw caution to the wind recently when he attempted to pull off wearing white jeans, sources confirmed amid derisive snickering.

“I’ll be the first to admit I was nervous to take such a big swing. Every pair of jeans I’ve ever worn has been a dark blue or black, so it was going to be jarring no matter what. But I figured I’d be able to make them work,” said Ainsley while holding his head in his hands for several consecutive minutes. “Let’s just say, I was ripped to shreds the minute I stepped outside. I thought I lived in a warm, supportive community, but apparently I live on the dais of a Comedy Central Roast. Never again.”

Brunswick residents of all walks were reportedly ruthless in their impromptu mockery.

“I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, you could tell the little weiner was on the fence in trying them out in the first place, you could practically smell it on him. The guy had no confidence whatsoever, so I had to let him have it,” said Ainsley’s postal worker Helena Radscombe. “Ugh, just picturing it turns my stomach…who does he think he is, fuckin’ Andrew W.K.? You know how people throw red paint on people in fur coats? We gotta start saving a few cans for timid bozos giving new pants a whirl. Yuck!”

Denim Depot salesperson Irv Gladstone revealed that white jeans are something of an inside joke in the apparel parlance.

“I’ll admit, I sold the young man the jeans in question, and I don’t regret it. The entire industry is corrupt when it comes to white dungarees, it’s an open secret,” said Gladstone, nervously puffing on a cigarette. “So when a rube comes in off the street wanting something fresh, we pounce. Let that be a lesson to your readers out there: never, ever try something new. Scientifically, no one can pull off white jeans unless they live in a tropical climate and are over the age of 55. But luckily for us denim salesmen, Florida exists.”

At press time, Ainsley lamented that he’ll never have to worry about wearing jeans of any variety ever again, as the local bullies won’t stop pantsing him as soon as he leaves his house.

How I Upgraded My Life by Committing a Crime in Sweden and Going to One of Their Nice Ass Prisons

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Like many of you, I used to sit in my drab apartment and dream of moving to Europe, the land of affordable train travel, relaxed attitudes towards casual nudity, and rampant alcoholism. Well, friends, I’ve cracked the code.

Keep reading to learn how I moved to Sweden for at least the next 3-5 years. Maybe longer if I play my cards right.

It was a simple trick really. I just committed a string of felonies, or grov förbrytelses as they’re known in these parts. All I had to do was fall in with a gang of Swedish criminals and embark on a crime wave that landed me right here in Gothenburg’s own Härlanda Park prison!

My cell features 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, a bespoke dining room set, and modern light fixtures. It also contains artwork crafted by local artisans. Furthermore, I was welcomed to the block by my neighbor, a famous bank robber named Henrik “The Swedish Swindler” Berg, who made me a wonderful dinner with fresh fish, dill potatoes, and lingonberry-coated meatballs.

Needless to say, this is a serious upgrade over my old apartment.

For starters, I would pay at least $2,500 a month for something like this in any major American City, and that’s not counting HOA fees. And since Sweden offers free higher education to all incarcerated (and non-incarcerated) residents I figure I might as well complete that marketing degree I never finished. I considered taking some Swedish classes too, but they speak better English here than anywhere else in the world, so why bother?

Sure I miss my friends and family back home, but you have to leave the nest sometime don’t you? Besides, my mom always dreamed that I would one day live in a safe neighborhood with no guns, promising career prospects, and low crime rates.

She just never thought that place would be a Swedish prison.

The Weekly Scene Report: March 4

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

You may have made it through another week, but have you made it through the most important news stories from the last seven days? If not, you’re in luck.

HOA Orders Danzig to Take Down Halloween Decorations

Read the full story here.

What the Fuck: This Guy Is Listening to the Mountain Goats While Lifting

Read the full story here.

We Sat Down With an Electric Skateboarder to Ask Why He Doesn’t Like Having Sex

Read the full story here.

“The Last of Us” VFX Artist Cites Uncle’s Fucked Up Toe as Inspiration

Read the full story here.

Crowd Suspicious of Folk Punk Band With Perfect Teeth

Read the full story here.

Dominatrix Makes Sub Break In Her Doc Martens

Read the full story here.

Matt Skiba Quickly Googles “How to Play Drums” After Travis Barker Surgery News

Read the full story here.

We Sat Down with a Rockabilly Band and Now We’re in the Middle of a High-Stakes Drag Race With Nothing to Lose Daddio

Read the full story here.

Punk Builds Time Machine To See Turnstile Before They Were Big

Read the full story here.

5 Worst Places To Remember You Ate an Edible an Hour Ago

Read the full story here.

Millennial Rewatches “MTV Cribs” to Live Vicariously Through Someone Who Owns a Home

Read the full story here.

Fender Recalls New Guitar That Moans While Being Tuned

Posted on by Jonah Nink

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Fender recalled a new line of guitars and basses that moan, grunt and scream while being tuned after weeks of constant complaints from customers, according to company officials.

“After careful analysis of recent feedback, we have gathered that customers don’t want to play a guitar that makes realistic moaning sounds,” said Fender spokesperson Eve Bax. “We wanted to add more positive feedback to the tuning process, but may have gone too far. Since the moment the guitars were launched customers have complained about the hauntingly realistic gasps of pain and pleasure they make have upset and disturbed guitarists of all experience levels. We’re also in the process of taking back all of the new guitars we donated to school programs.”

Along with a wave of complaints, Fender’s moaning guitars saw record-low sales numbers through Guitar Center and other music retailers.

“I walked into the music store and saw this brand new cherry red strat sitting right at the front. It had a great tone and played like a dream,” said guitarist Mandy Simpkins. “Then I try to tune the fucker, and it immediately let out this guttural, almost animalistic moaning. Like, the sound a fully-grown Moose would make while it was both dying of stomach cancer and getting spectacular head at the same time. The store went dead silent and everyone turned to look at me. I ran out crying. I’ve had constant nightmares about the sound for a week now. Thanks, Fender.”

Fender has also received complaints from a number of high-profile musicians, including Wilco’s Jeff Tweedy.

“Normally I love weird instrument shit like this. I already own one of the infamous Nord ‘Slap Me, Daddy’ Keyboards and three pairs of Tama Drum Dicks,” said Tweedy. “But the monstrosity the Fender put out was too much. It only took a few seconds of tuning for my ears to start bleeding from the moans, which are so loud that neighbors on all sides of me called the cops. I think at one point the guitar even yelled the date I’m going to die, down to the exact second. I lent it to Nels Cline and after only a few days it made him completely sterile.”

At press time, Yamaha released a statement saying that its line of snare drums tuned to slurs will be released as planned.

Photo by James Knapp.

Beer Never Broke My Heart, but It Has Ruined All of My Relationships

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Like my idol and personal hero once said, a “long-neck ice-cold beer never broke my heart.” And it’s true. Nothing has ever been there for me more than a nice cold beer. It has been there for me through everything. Especially every breakup.

Remember Becky? She was a firecracker. She’d get mad at me for the smallest stuff. Like that time when I parked my car upside-down in the front yard, then crawled through the window because she changed the locks. Boy was she mad that night. Thank god I had my bedstand beer by my side to comfort me through all the yelling.

Then there was Sally. It was our first anniversary and I was pre-gaming a bit before we went out. The plan was that I’d meet her at the restaurant. Once I got there, apparently, she’d been waiting for an hour or so. I don’t know why she was so bent out of shape. If that were me, I would have just hung out at the bar and maybe ordered a beer. She broke up with me on the spot. Thank God I had some extra beers in the fridge to numb the pain of a broken heart.

And then there was the love of my life, Becky Jane, aka “New Becky.” It was our wedding day. Once I got to the altar (on time!) I started feeling a little sleepy. It’s just that her vows were so long, and I was nodding off a little. I woke up to her crying under her veil, saying something about how I don’t care or whatever. I know she was upset but I thought her knocking the beer out of my hand was a bit much. Anyway, she ran screaming down the aisle and I never saw her again.

Now that I think about it- actually, it’s probably best not to think about it too much or we might start to get sad. Instead, let’s think of something fun to do. What’s that, beer in my hand? Crack you open, you say? That’s not a bad idea, beer. Not a bad idea at all!

Man Hangs on to Social Media Just a Little Longer to See How Departure Announcement Does

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PORTLAND, Ore. – Local man Gerald Stephenson delayed his highly publicized departure from social media an extra few minutes to respond to a couple more comments and DMs, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“This is all about mental health and how social media has become a toxic force in my life, which it has. I need a break to get back to nature. Maybe I’ll even do some woodworking,” said Stephenson as he looked down at his phone. “But first, I think it’s important that I reply to some of these comments. I know most of my followers will be pretty upset to learn that they’ll be losing my daily musings, and I need to respect that and provide some comforting words. I swear I’ll be done with this by tomorrow at the latest.”

Stephenson’s long-time friend Maya Bogart was quick to recognize this sort of behavior.

“I know, I know. He’s doing it again. Gerald announced his grand departure at a dinner party this weekend. And yes, he announced that he was planning to post an announcement,” said Bogart while suppressing an eye roll. “Last time he made a proclamation like this, it was just that he was deleting the Twitter app from his phone. Not deleting his account, just the app. And he couldn’t even stick to it through the entire length of the party. Before the end of the night, I saw him hiding in a corner scrolling.”

Leona Ponce, a social media manager for Chipotle, sees this type of empty gesture on a daily basis.

“An unfortunate side effect of this job is that I encounter ‘the departure post’ a lot. I’d call it a classic at this point. And they’re always the same: a wall of text basically scolding the rest of us for not going on more hikes while explaining how awful social media is,” said Ponce. “They are definitely right that social media is terrible for humanity as a whole, but they all seem to think that buying a pair of L.L. Bean boots will solve all of their problems. But sadly, that’s not actually a cure for narcissistic personality disorder. I can guarantee you none of these people last more than 48 hours offline before crawling back to see how many of their friends hollowly congratulated them.”

At press time, Stephenson was working on an op-ed piece about his experience leaving social media and posing for a picture in his new Carhartt jacket for the header image.

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