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Goth Does Semi-Truck Fist Pump Thing as Hearse Drives By

TRENTON, N.J. — Local goth Alex Stemens enthusiastically fist pumped a nearby hearse in hopes they would blow their giant air horn, several chalky white-faced sources report.

“I always like to let hearse drivers know that I appreciate everything they do, and show my solidarity with them,” Stemens explained. “Oftentimes, whenever I clench my fist and pump it in the air for an oncoming hearse, I can see their faces glow before looking away. And I’m sure it’s a tough job for them, what with all the having to go around cemeteries so often and not being able to take pictures and all. I know that would be pretty damn stressful for me. I’m still hoping one of them blows their horn and it plays ‘The Munsters’ theme or something cool like that.”

Richard Kulis, a hearse driver for the Kulis & Bushnell Funeral Home for over 40 years, is more than just confused over instances like this.

“In all my years in the business, I still have no idea what to do whenever I see the vampire types make that horn-thing gesture,” Kulis explained. “I mean, do they want me to lay on my horn during the funeral procession? Flash the lights? Do it back? Normally I just look at them then pretend to look at the road or my phone while driving. I guess it’s better than them asking me for autographs like they did in the ‘90s.”

Elder goth Tracy “Fangs” Romona used experiences from their decades-long presence in the scene to weigh in on the wholesome gesture.

“Goths as well as hearse operators know the universal game they play with each other,” Romona said while selling their prized two-headed fetus in a jar on eBay for money towards Sisters of Mercy tickets. “It’s also like when goths see any black cats in public. It’s ingrained in our psyche to immediately pet them on the head or do that ‘pspspsps’ noise to get them to come over. Or also like when goths see a picture of our lord and savior Robert Smith, you tap the tip of your nose for good luck. Goths love superstitions.”

At press time, Stemens was seen saluting a Home Depot employee for everything she does putting up the displays during Halloween season.