Like my idol and personal hero once said, a “long-neck ice-cold beer never broke my heart.” And it’s true. Nothing has ever been there for me more than a nice cold beer. It has been there for me through everything. Especially every breakup.
Remember Becky? She was a firecracker. She’d get mad at me for the smallest stuff. Like that time when I parked my car upside-down in the front yard, then crawled through the window because she changed the locks. Boy was she mad that night. Thank god I had my bedstand beer by my side to comfort me through all the yelling.
Then there was Sally. It was our first anniversary and I was pre-gaming a bit before we went out. The plan was that I’d meet her at the restaurant. Once I got there, apparently, she’d been waiting for an hour or so. I don’t know why she was so bent out of shape. If that were me, I would have just hung out at the bar and maybe ordered a beer. She broke up with me on the spot. Thank God I had some extra beers in the fridge to numb the pain of a broken heart.
And then there was the love of my life, Becky Jane, aka “New Becky.” It was our wedding day. Once I got to the altar (on time!) I started feeling a little sleepy. It’s just that her vows were so long, and I was nodding off a little. I woke up to her crying under her veil, saying something about how I don’t care or whatever. I know she was upset but I thought her knocking the beer out of my hand was a bit much. Anyway, she ran screaming down the aisle and I never saw her again.
Now that I think about it- actually, it’s probably best not to think about it too much or we might start to get sad. Instead, let’s think of something fun to do. What’s that, beer in my hand? Crack you open, you say? That’s not a bad idea, beer. Not a bad idea at all!