BRUNSWICK, Maine — Determined punk Leroy Ainsley decided to throw caution to the wind recently when he attempted to pull off wearing white jeans, sources confirmed amid derisive snickering.
“I’ll be the first to admit I was nervous to take such a big swing. Every pair of jeans I’ve ever worn has been a dark blue or black, so it was going to be jarring no matter what. But I figured I’d be able to make them work,” said Ainsley while holding his head in his hands for several consecutive minutes. “Let’s just say, I was ripped to shreds the minute I stepped outside. I thought I lived in a warm, supportive community, but apparently I live on the dais of a Comedy Central Roast. Never again.”
Brunswick residents of all walks were reportedly ruthless in their impromptu mockery.
“I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, you could tell the little weiner was on the fence in trying them out in the first place, you could practically smell it on him. The guy had no confidence whatsoever, so I had to let him have it,” said Ainsley’s postal worker Helena Radscombe. “Ugh, just picturing it turns my stomach…who does he think he is, fuckin’ Andrew W.K.? You know how people throw red paint on people in fur coats? We gotta start saving a few cans for timid bozos giving new pants a whirl. Yuck!”
Denim Depot salesperson Irv Gladstone revealed that white jeans are something of an inside joke in the apparel parlance.
“I’ll admit, I sold the young man the jeans in question, and I don’t regret it. The entire industry is corrupt when it comes to white dungarees, it’s an open secret,” said Gladstone, nervously puffing on a cigarette. “So when a rube comes in off the street wanting something fresh, we pounce. Let that be a lesson to your readers out there: never, ever try something new. Scientifically, no one can pull off white jeans unless they live in a tropical climate and are over the age of 55. But luckily for us denim salesmen, Florida exists.”
At press time, Ainsley lamented that he’ll never have to worry about wearing jeans of any variety ever again, as the local bullies won’t stop pantsing him as soon as he leaves his house.