Top 15 Operation Ivy Songs That Would Be On Their Setlist if They Ever Got Their Shit Together and Reunited Already

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Operation Ivy broke up nearly 35 years ago, but ever since, their fanbase has been going through a “will they or won’t they” moment with rumors mildly swirling of them getting the band back together every few years. Since they can’t quite get their shit figured out and just continue to keep us all on the edge of our seats, we’ve decided to assemble a list of their top 15 songs that would definitely be on their setlist during a reunion tour, whenever they stop dragging their feet.

“Sound System”

Tim Armstrong and Jesse Michaels recently got together and performed this one live, which means they still know how to play it. A very good sign that they at least still think about us and consider our needs.

“Knowledge”

At one point, every third punk band in existence covered this song, including Green Day. Someone had to fill the Op Ivy-shaped hole in all of our hearts. But now it’s time for the boys to plug up the gaping wound themselves.

“The Crowd”

This one is a fan favorite, so they’re going to want to play it early and often as a way to say “sorry for taking so long to right this reunion ship, you guys.” Well, apology not accepted.

“Healthy Body”

There’s going to come a time when we’ll want to see the audience open up the pit to start skanking. That’s when they bust out this number and Tim showcases his upstroke guitar prowess and everyone realizes their bodies are no longer healthy, in fact most people at the show are near death.

“Hoboken”

Matt Freeman is an undeniable talent at bass, so naturally we’re going to want to tune him out in favor of the singer and guitarist. But Matt really shines on this one especially, if you’re into that sort of thing.

“Yellin’ In My Ear”

Not many ska punk bands are good at both ska and punk. Usually one or the other. Sometimes neither. But somehow the Ivy excels at every genre they touch, particularly this song. It’s a setlist no-brainer.

“Jaded”

Operation Ivy should at least consider doing that thing the Misfits do and reunite every so often at major festivals and Madison Square Garden. They don’t even have to ever write new music or anything. You can’t just compose a song like “Jaded” and never play it out loud ever again.

“Big City”

We’re already midway through the set and I already know it’ll be worth the hefty ticket price of $35, which includes the $18 Ticketmaster handling fee. Greedy bastards. In fact, Ticketmaster fees may be the reason they haven’t gotten back together. Damn you, capitalist hustlers.

“Take Warning”

To this point, we’ve been on a streak of several consecutive high-energy songs. However, a successful setlist needs to bring it down a notch every now and then. “Take Warning” seems to have been written for that exact purpose.

“Unity”

Once you become a legendary band, it’s not really up to you anymore when you decide to call it quits. As your fans, we do. You have an obligation to satiate the palates of your supporters. That’s what “Unity” is all about, I think.

“Bombshell”

The background vocals on this song hold almost equal weight to the foreground vocals. It’s going to make singing along as an audience member a real bitch, but ultimately a risk we’re willing to take if it means we’re hearing “Bombshell” in person.

“Bad Town”

This is the part of the show where the band brings out the saxophone player from the Toasters to play “Bad Town.” It’s going to be incredible. Then the singer of Reel Big Fish is going to come out for some reason. Then one of guys from Less Than Jake. And also every member of the Specials. No one will know why.

“Room Without a Window”

While other singers average 200 words a song, it feels like Jesse Michaels nearly quadruples that in his lyrics. That’s more bang for your buck and something that needs attention on a worldwide stage, like Riot Fest. That’s where all bands reunite at some point in their careers.

“Junkie’s Runnin’ Dry”

This almost feels like an early Rancid song so you know Tim’s going to want it in there. He was going by “Lint” when he was in Operation Ivy, of course. But now he just goes by Tim. Something we can’t fully get behind.

“Vulnerability”

If you’re reading this, Operation Ivy. Feel free to use this as a guide when curating your reunion setlist. It was carefully crafted over a 90-day period. I’ve already done the hard part for you. C’mon, reunite already.

Members of Artist Collective Officially Become Lifelong Enemies After Only 2 1/2 Weeks of Being an Artist Collective

Posted on by Peter Woods

DETROIT – Members of the 17-day-old Which Hunt Artist Collective have confirmed that they have not only disbanded but fully intend on “hating each other’s guts” for the rest of their lives following an explosive closed doors meeting, infuriated sources report.

“All 12 of us spent the past two years living together, being creative, and just having fun,” said collective member and “found object curator” Krystna Radona. “Like, the vibe was impeccable. But the moment we decided to get official and pick a name for the collective, everyone just got super annoying and tired looking and I hated everything everyone did after that. And when someone brought up a spreadsheet at the last meeting, I knew that I was done with those fuckers.”

According to those close to the collective, the announcement comes as a shock.

“It’s really sad–I thought they would have gone the whole nine yards, but I get it,” said friend and local musician Kieran Razavi. “I’ve been in my band for 11 years, so I know how hard it is having to see the same faces every week. Sometimes it just feels like you really want to start something new and exciting, but you made a commitment to this band so you just have to drag yourself to practice again and deal with Dave’s obnoxious inability to figure out his schedule if you want to play another show for the same six people that were at the last show. It just sucks that Which Hunt is going to miss out on that kind of healthy, productive partnership.”

Art historian Kalia Jarencio found the dissolution of the group unsurprising.

“If you look at the history of post-war art, this kind of thing is actually pretty common,” said Jarencio. “The Situationist International, The Brixton Artists Collective, the artists working out of The Factory…all of them split up and stopped speaking to each other pretty quickly. The only difference with Which Hunt that I can see is that no one in the collective actually made any art and, as far as I can tell, just tried to fuck each other constantly. ”

According to a dozen individual press releases, all former members have dedicated the next six years to making art about how much they hate each other.

Help! I Learned to Code but the Instructions Were From 2001 and Now I Only Know How To Make Farscape Fan Sites

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

I was feeling really frustrated with my career progression (or lack thereof). So, I decided to just do what every mouth breather said I should and learn how to code.

Someone should’ve mentioned the importance of finding an up-to-date guide, because the first-edition copy of HTML & CSS: Everything You Need to Know that I found at Goodwill was published in that fleeting window between Bush’s inauguration and 9/11. And while it taught me some web design, it’s not much good since all I’ve been able to make are “Farscape” sites.

Do you remember “Farscape?” I’ve never seen it. But I guess it aired on Sci-Fi (sorry, SyFy) back in the day? I thought maybe it was the show with the Cylons but that was “Battlestar Galactica.”

It all started when I finished my first “Coding Challenge.” I did what I thought were some basic inputs, and when I ran in, I was greeted with neon green text on a black background reading “FARSCAPE FAN CONNECT”, along with some low-res images and what I guess is the theme song playing on a loop? Oh, and a “Which character are you?” quiz that really hinges on knowing the difference between a Scarran and a Peacekeeper.

I don’t know what those are. I’ve never even seen Farscape.

I tried to just shrug it off and try again later. But the next day, I made it through another chapter. And what did I get? Another eyesore of a site, this time with a “Save Farscape” petition on the front page. I guess the show got canceled and people got mad? Again, I don’t know anything about this.

And it just doesn’t stop. Right before writing this, I somehow made another one, this time completely devoted to someone called “Pa’u Zotoh Zhaan.” I don’t even know how to begin to pronounce that.

I’d have stopped by now. But I’ve somehow already got 10 signatures in my guest book for my latest site. And I figured the next one could at least double that.

Also, in case anyone wants to know, I took the character quiz, and apparently, I’m “Xhalax Sun.” Cool name, at least.

Liberal Boomer Constantly Checking to Make Sure John Fogerty Not Suddenly Right Wing

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

CHAGRIN FALLS, Ohio — Leftist senior citizen Cyrus Novak is reportedly under round-the-clock duress from continuously having to make sure John Fogerty is not somehow suddenly conservative, hand-wringing sources confirmed.

“I can’t lose another one. They got Clapton, they got Van Morrison, I mean, they even got freakin’ Meat Loaf. MEAT LOAF! The bat out of hell! My CD collection is down to a husk of what it once was. If I get CCR taken away from me, I think I’ll just give up on rock altogether,” said the left-leaning, but undeniably old Novak, while performatively trying not to curse. “I’ll have nothing left to get at Best Buy. I’m constantly refreshing my iPad to make sure John hasn’t said something sideways about vaccines or climate change. I know all too well that it could happen any minute. I can’t give up the Fortunate Son, I just can’t.”

Public relations representatives for Fogerty report that he’s as liberal as ever, and has no intention to change sides.

“Believe us, we go to great lengths to ensure our older rockers don’t succumb to the scourge of conservatism. Dedication to their rock and roll roots are, and always will be, a top priority. We don’t want to disappoint all the dads out there, nor do we want to validate the uncles of the world,” said Fogerty representative Phyllis Jacobi. “Because, as we all know, uncles are the absolute worst. We’ve arranged for Mr. Fogerty to join a support group for elderly liberal musicians to keep each other in check. You can count on us.”

Support group captain and music legend Neil Young told us a bit more about the group.

“We get together a few times a month, just to make sure we haven’t slipped down a QAnon hole. Springsteen usually brings along a crate of Yoo-Hoos, we sit around my giant model train set in camping chairs and just spitball ways the current administration could be doing more for, say, the LGBTQIA+ community for a few hours,” said Young. “Hey, it ain’t Woodstock, but it’s something I’ve begun to look forward to. Next month we’re all hopping in Cher’s van and hucking crabapples at Ted Nugent’s ranch. Fogerty’s in good hands.”

At press time, Novak decided to do away with the stress of classic rock altogether, and listen to “more contemporary stuff, starting with this Morrissey fellow.”

Every Touchè Amorè Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Robert Butler

One of the more memorable bands to have come from the 2010s (even though they started just prior to 2010, but whatever.) is Touchè Amorè. They’re also one of the most annoying band names to type, so I’ll keep that to a minimum. Furthermore, the name is also difficult to get the pronunciation right. For me personally I didn’t get it right until 2019. I’ve been pronouncing it wrong longer than I’ve been pronouncing it correctly. I’m not even going to clarify the correct way to say it aloud, I’ll let you go out the same way I did on that for 8 or 9 years.

With that out of the way we can get into the reason you are here, the undeniably correct rankings of Touchè Amorè’s catalog – note this is just the official full-lengths in this list, not including any splits, singles, etc.

5. Is Survived By…(2013)

Why hello there “Loveless” inspired album art, we see you there. The blue is kinda cute. Kinda sets the tone even at a glance there. That’s right, you’re in for a fair amount of delay on the guitar with this one. It’s still a good album by all means, it’s just a lot like the album that came before it. Seemingly more of a focus on sweet jingly reverbed guitar and more of a dive towards the shoegaze side of the pool. Which makes sense because when this came out you were probably still listening to a lot of Title Fight and there was a bit of that going around back then. For a third album, they’ve at least shown consistency.

Play It Again: “Anyone/Anything”
Skip It: “Non Fiction”

4. To The Beat Of A Dead Horse/ Dead Horse X (2009/2019)

This one kinda breaks the rules, but not really. “Dead Horse” was the band’s first full-length debut back in the ancient days of 2009 when you were starting to realize you didn’t quite fit into your tight pants anymore. In the more recent but still distant past of 2019, the band decided to give the album one big birthday party and re-recorded the entire thing and called it “Dead Horse X.” It’s kinda like when they remastered the first few Resident Evil games, really. This album is pretty cool, even if the smell of debut full-length clings to it. The bass is way more thumpy and prominent than anything else they’ve released, so that really stands out about it overall. Besides that, you can really tell the seeds of something cool are planted, but there’s still something missing. (The secret ingredient is that special shoegazey sauce becoming spicier on everything else they do.)

Play It Again: “Throwing Copper”
Skip It: “Suckerfish”

3. Stage Four (2016)

Do you ever get this feeling like you want to be helpful to someone? Like you’d rather be the shoulder to cry on for a change and be that person for someone? Well here’s a real treat of an album for you. Next time that feeling hits you don’t bother reaching out to see if everyone is okay or if anyone needs to talk. Everyone is fine. But right now you need to sit down and listen to everything the lead singer of Touchè Amorè has to get out. It’s gonna get intense at times, but it’s okay – you’ve got this. Luckily you’re there for him and everything is going to be okay. This album is particularly filled with the saddies, so I don’t recommend playing it at parties or near any kind of vulnerable person. But on top of all that, how about some post-rock vibes, huh? That makes it a lot easier to process the painful gut-punching lyrics being shouted at you and taking the air out of your lungs.

Play It Again: “New Halloween”
Skip It: “Skyscraper”

Honorable Mention: 10 Years / 1000 Shows: Live at the Regent Theater (2018)

This is the only one of these I’ll bother doing. Simply because part of what makes this band is their live show. They don’t hold back ever, all gas – no brakes. So might as well stick this in there because as far as live albums go, this is as good as the next good one. There are a lot of people on this recording who like to show off that they know all the words. They sound like they’re having fun, you’ll have about a 1/8th of the amount of fun they seem to be having by listening to this record.

 

 

2. Lament (2020)

More of anything? How about just more of everything? The most recent release from this band is quite the showcase of every tool in their belt. A lot of work went into this one, and it shows when you hear all 7 minutes of “Limelight” and crash right into that wall of sound. Not many albums out there have this many hooks you’ll involuntarily sing along to with a bubble in your throat while getting all teary-eyed. It’s real, it’s relatable, the guitar work is best described with a chef’s kiss. Upon first listen it might catch you completely off guard, strap you down to the arms of a chair and give you one big shot in the arm – OF EMOTION. I imagine since this one was released, pits at their shows have a fair amount of sobbing and everyone’s bottom lip is doing the quivering thing with tears in their eyes.

Play It Again: “Limelight”
Skip It: “Savoring”

1. Parting The Sea Between Brightness And Me (2011)

The second full length seems to be where the band collectively had some sort of “a-ha!” Or “eureka” moment and really figured things out. The opening track with a title being a weird little symbol “~” just jumps out at you from around the corner with an obnoxious “HEY, CHECK OUT THIS DOUBLE KICK!” And we all fall for it every time. Wanna clap? Well, you’re gonna. It’s there, and it works. If you’re looking for that sweet spot of sounding sad and angry, you’ll find it here. There was a lot of tough guy stuff coming out around this time, PTSBBAM really stood out because it’s more or less the opposite of that. To say there’s a lack of chest-thumping mentality here is an understatement. If nostalgia plays any factor, you’ll hear this and go back to the olden days of owning an iPhone 4. All of Touchè’s albums are individually great, but this one earns the badge of “Instant Classic”.

Play It Again: “Pathfinder”
Skip It: “Crutch”

Top 10 Songs by Atom & His Package You Can Listen to Instead of Going to See “Oppenheimer”

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Adam Goren’s one-man band Atom & His Package played its last show in 2003 after a diagnosis of type-1 diabetes forced Goren offstage toward a growing family and what he’s called “Plan A”: a job teaching high-school science. (He holds an M.Ed. from Penn.) What can be said of his cut-short career in pop-punk? Atom was brilliant, as sarcastic as he was kind, as blistering as he was sweet. If you vaguely antagonized this underdog, he went after you with all his teeth. If he loved you, he went after you too. Sure, some science snuck into his songs, as in “(Lord It’s Hard to Be Happy When You’re Not) Using the Metric System.” But the real magic of Atom & His Package is how this “science guy” wrote such artful lyrics and compositions. Here are his ten best.

10. “Punk Rock Academy” 

Okay. Before you crucify me for putting “PRA” at number ten, allow me to say this song barely made the list. Yes, if you went to see Atom live, you’d want it to be the last song (as it is on the 2004 live album “Hair: Debatable”). And yes, he played out comedian Chris Gethard’s eponymous show with it in 2017. But I really think Atom has written better songs. Nine of them, in fact.

9. “Goalie” by The Zambonis (feat. Atom & His Package)

It’s a little startling to hear Atom backed by a real band, but it’s great too. The track features kid vocalists and interstitial making-of footage. Atom, a full-fledged dad at this point, sings lead and seems joyfully at peace with the stadium claps and wall-of-sound backing vocals. A jock-jam by Atom & His Package? Correct.

8. “Undercover Funny”

A “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode in song form: The singer’s disappointed that his coworker is “only funny when I’m not around.” It’s a really good poppy start to the band if you’re looking to get in. But be careful: You’ll find the lyrics on repeat in your head when you get up to pee at night.

6. “For Aliza Whenever She May Sleep”

A friend once told me this song is about Atom’s sister, Aliza, who was in medical school at the time. It’s a sort of prayer for her health and a stealthy rebuke of the med-school system: “Rite of passage / Healthwise amazing / Educational shroud hides amounted hazing.”

5. “Atari Track and Field / New Controller Conspiracy”

What a wonderfully odd pairing. The “Atari” intro resembles Madonna’s “Open Your Heart,” which Atom will “polka” later in the album. And like a lot of Atom’s music, “New Controller Conspiracy” trades violence and tenderness. Toward the end, a female voice appears seemingly out of nowhere:

What do you think is in store for us?
Is it living room furniture terminus?
I think that’s ninety-five percent acceptable and okay.

Yes, the guy can write, absolutely. At the same time he seems to be tempting mis- or self-interpretation. How many of us, in the chorus, hear “laughed at you” instead of “left that room”? And how “acceptable” would Atom find the error? Ninety-five percent?

4. “If You Own the Washington Redskins You’re a Cock”

Who would have guessed a Y2K punk singer could have forecasted the demise of Redskins-Commanders owner Dan Snyder? The song generally addresses the dehumanizing of racial groups — specifically within what Atom calls “Native American nicknamed teams,” which he rhymes with “awful and mean.”

3. “Upside Down from Here” 

The voice from “New Controller Conspiracy” is back — singing the entire opening verse. It turns out to be Goren’s sister, Aliza (remember Aliza?): “North is not up and East is not right / Except for Milwaukee Wisconsin that night.” What the hell happened in Milwaukee? What is Atom saying about geography and physics? Unclear. Doesn’t matter. Great song.

2. “I’m Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy with Just a Hammer” 

This is maybe Atom’s best song, lyrically, and maybe his best song ever. It glides through a litany of concrete objects and proper nouns, which few songwriters, Craig Finn aside, can really pull off. Like so many of Atom’s songs, it’s about the coexistence of love and physical destruction. He wants to love you. He wants to break things too.

1. “Does Anyone Else in This Room Want to Marry His or Her Own Grandmother?”

The sweetest punk song ever. You’ll love it. Your kids will love it. It’s about, well, the singer proposing marriage to his grandma — wait — because her husband died: “It breaks my heart to see you alone / Grandma, let’s elope.” Here we get Atom’s lyrical power on full display:

I’ll pay the bills, we’ll cross the words and watch Murdoch
We’ll dine on the samples at the grocery store
We’ll find a place and paint this whole town purple
Purple-ize the walls and purple-ize the floor

Sins of Omission:

“Mustache T.V.”: Instructions for Scotch-taping a mustache to your TV screen and watching it settle onto people’s faces.

“Hats Off to Halford”: A tribute to Judas Priest’s openly badass frontman Rob Halford.

“Trump”: Listen to Atom’s delightfully condescending whisper during a conjured game of Tripoli: “I see your bad hand.”

In 2021, Goren teamed up with his childhood friend Brian Sokel to release a self-titled album “Dead Best.” Their follow-up is due out this winter.

Photo by Markbellis

Plane Crash Survivor on Desert Island Shocked to Find His Five Favorite Albums Are There

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

UNINCORPORATED TERRITORY SOMEWHERE IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN — Plane crash survivor and avid music fan Chris Ackerman was pleasantly surprised to see his top five albums nestled in the remote palm tree grove where his Australia-bound Boeing 767 had exploded into flames, blood-spurting fellow passengers report.

“Oh sweet, they’re all here!” Ackerman confirmed, hopping across the sand on his severely wounded leg to flip through the top albums he had mentally picked out years ago. “I always went back and forth on ‘Nevermind’ vs. ‘In Utero.’ I felt a little weird about the 20th anniversary deluxe edition. But all those demos and bonus tracks are going to be clutch here because my phone got incinerated, so I don’t have Spotify or anything. Or food. Or a tourniquet. Or a record player, now that I think about it. Guess I’m just supposed to just look at these album covers and imagine what they sound like.”

Non-audiophile survivors on the island were confused by Ackerman’s ill-timed music discussion.

“We’re thousands of miles from civilization, we need water and medical care, and frankly we’re all going to die soon,” said fellow passenger Kara Montevarchi. “But this guy won’t shut up about how The Clash’s self-titled debut is superior to ‘London Calling’ and how amazing that the years he spent deciding on his ‘five desert island albums’ finally paid off. Did he get brain damage when the plane lost oxygen or something? Or is he just one of those insufferable music weirdos who will eventually die of dehydration one way or another? I need to go lie down.”

Music anthropologist Warren De Witt explained that “five desert island albums” may oftentimes appear mysteriously when island-bound disaster strikes.

“It’s true. We’ve seen it happen a few times now,” De Witt said. “You wind up on a desert island for whatever reason, and as long as you still have a heartbeat and ears and you picked out those five albums at some point, you’ll see them all there. Usually they’ll be in the preferred audio format, too. That’s why it’s so important to keep your top five mentally updated. We found a case where someone hadn’t thought about her desert island discs since middle school, and she wound up stuck with Smash Mouth and a few ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CDs 15 years later after a sailing accident. Tragic. And then she died, too.”

At press time, Ackerman had passed out from excitement and critical blood loss, prompting others to attempt to revive him by smacking him with a stack of liner notes.

All Dogs Go to Heaven: How To Exploit That Loophole by Impersonating a Dachshund at All Times

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Dogs aren’t just man’s best friend: canines are the Almighty’s most favored species by a goddamn mile. Alone among all created beings, dogs have been assured that each member of their slobbery kind will enter the gates of Heaven, no questions asked. Pretty good deal for a group that already gets to sniff crotches in public, if you ask us!

But we’re not here to debate whether all dogs should go to Heaven or if some deserve to roast in the depths of Hell, eternally distant from the ecstasy of proximity to God’s presence. Instead, we’re here to give you tips on how to live as a dachshund, so when death calls you to reckon for the many grotesque sins you crave, you’ll be a shoo-in to humping angel legs in Heaven!

DO: Stay Low to the Ground, Always: This might be intuitive, but in order to convince God that you’re actually a dog and that your life of disgusting hedonism should have no consequences, you have to get on all fours, all the time, like a short-legged little wiener dog. It might be difficult at first, but do you really want to rot in Hell, especially after that shit you pulled in Vegas?

DO: Purchase High-Quality Artificial Ears: One of the most distinctive things about the dachshund breed is their floppy “drop” ears, which protect them from getting dirt and debris stuck in there. Acquiring a pair of high-quality ears (preferably made from actual fur) is a must, especially if you are always getting any number of bodily fluids in your ear canal. Because of weird sex stuff.

DON’T: Accidentally Speak, Always Bark In German: One thing you must never do is accidentally speak like the human full of sin that you actually are. Always bark with the distinct Teutonic tonality that we all expect from dachshunds. You will likely find it helpful to hook up with a German puppy play polycule to get used to this, especially if you want to pass through the Pearly Gates while also committing rampant tax fraud.

DO: If You See A Badger, Fuck It Up: Dachshunds were originally bred to flush out badgers from their subterranean dens, hence their distinctive narrow body shape. In order to keep up the canine charade and escape eternal damnation for your wallowing in every perversion imaginable (we know about the ice cream), you’re going to need to bite some badgers to death.

DO: Have Ridiculously Soulful, Pleading Eyes: Everyone knows dachshunds have those big ol’ sad eyes that make you want to give them anything, from a puppy treat to unquestioned admission to eternity in paradise! Make sure you’ve got some of those.

DON’T: Make A Deal With Satan: At a certain point, keeping up the lifestyle of a dachshund is going to be tough, but don’t give in and make a quick deal with Satan Himself. It just doesn’t ever work out. Stick with the dog thing.

What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Friedrich Nietzsche once said that “Without music, life would be a mistake.” Reportedly, he uttered that famous quote years before he could see your Spotify playlist and retract the statement. We tend to believe in the power of learning from the error of our ways here, and we’d like to pass this knowledge along to you. With our help, your horrid musical taste of today can be drastically transformed into your passable-at-best musical taste of tomorrow. Take notes as we look at some of the freshest tracks to grace our ears this week, as well as a few classics approaching some notable anniversaries.

King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard “Gila Monster”

King Gizz and The Liz Wiz have just released what we’re pretty sure is their millionth record after a notably long eight-month dry spell. To make up for not releasing a new album every week this year, the band has filled this one to the brim with menacing guitar fuckery a la White Zombie. Metalheads are sure to fucking love it, and zoologists across the world will be thrilled to hear how much the guitar riff in the intro of “Gila Monster” evokes the image of the namesake’s reptilian tongue.

No Pressure “Say What You Mean”

Here at The Hard Times, we’ve always believed that Pop-Punk would never die. Now that legions of TikTok users have deemed it acceptable to enjoy the genre, we’re no longer afraid to admit it. Los Angeles’ No Pressure has been churning out hit after hit since their debut EP dropped in 2020. Their latest single, ‘Say What You Mean,’ is no exception. There is no shortage of hooks and Warped Tour nostalgia within its two-and-a-half-minute runtime, making it the perfect way to escape reality and feel fleeting moments of youth again on your lunch break.

boygenius “Stay Down, Man (Dan Reeder Cover)”

boygenius recently took a break from their massively successful tour to serenade satellite radio listeners with a rendition of Dan Reeder’s ‘Stay Down, Man.’ It’s a harrowing and beautiful cover complete with the boys’ trademark three-part harmonies. You might be thinking to yourself, ‘who the fuck listens to satellite radio?’ Fortunately for us, SiriusXM is aware that almost no one uses their services and has put the entire session up on YouTube so cheapskates like us can enjoy the track too. Grab a pillow to muffle your cries and sink into the dulcet tones featured on this track.

Faye Webster “But Not Kiss”

Indie wunderkind, Faye Webster, has been dazzling audiences nationwide since her amazing eponymous debut in 2017. Since then, she has released two critically acclaimed full-lengths and an EP featuring orchestral arrangements of her already classic catalog. After a short rest, Webster is back with her most arresting single to date, ‘But Not Kiss.’ If you’re making a playlist for your crush but don’t want to seem too eager or forthright, this track is basically designed to confuse the absolute shit out of prospective partners. Confoundment aside, they’ll probably appreciate your niche, yet expansive, musical palette.

Sigur Rós “Gold”

After a ten-year bout of silence, Sigur Rós have surprised the fuck out of everyone with the sudden drop of their new full-length ‘ÁTTA.’ Our in-house Hopelandic expert tells us that the new release displays a more introspective side of the band, marking a departure from their scathing diss tracks of the past. Lush orchestration atop minimal arrangements gives the album a somewhat understated feeling without sacrificing the anthemic power for which the group is known. Though the cherub-like vocals on tracks like ‘Gold’ might give listeners images of idyllic underpinnings, a quick translation reveals that ‘we all die, anyway.’ Yeesh.

Time continues to march on relentlessly, marking moment after meaningless moment of humanity’s banal existence. Just the thought of another year going by is enough to drive even the strongest mind to the brink of utter insanity… But hey, at least there are classic records to soothe our troubled souls. Here are a few of our favorite songs that are reaching significant calendar milestones this year.

Blink-182 “I Miss You”

None of us could score tickets to the Blink-182 tour this year, but fortunately we have their studio output to tide us over. In less than four months we’ll be celebrating the 20th anniversary of their 2003 self-titled masterwork. This means we’ll also be honoring two decades of doing our best Tom DeLonge impression in the chorus of ‘I Miss You.’ This song still feels so modern that you might not be able to comprehend such an anniversary, but try not to let it get to your ‘ead.

Refused “New Noise”

Holy fucking shit, ‘The Shape of Punk To Come’ is almost twenty-five years old, and we’ve been playing it like it came out yesterday. It’s hard to fathom what the true Shape of Punk would be today without this record. Refused broke up shortly after the album was released, and in just two years, we’ll be celebrating a decade of them ruining that legendary move by reuniting and putting out a much shittier record. We’ll always have the memories, though. Be sure to add this into your rotation if you want the attendees of your next party to think you’re not a fucking sell-out.

Iron Chic “Spooky Action At A Distance”

Notably ahead of its time, Iron Chic’s ‘The Constant One’ celebrated its tenth anniversary at the top of the year. Overlooked and underrated, it’s possible you’ve never heard of them and we’re totally not judging you at all for that, you fucking nerd. Now that the electronic-infused emo sound that the band helped propel is quickly garnering favor in the trendy halls of social media, you can easily pretend to be an elder statesman by saying you’ve liked this excellent cut since the day it came out. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you read it here. For all we or anyone else knows, you’ve always had a mind of your own and excellent taste to match.

boygenius Tour on Hiatus After Julien Baker Goes on Arm Wrestling Streak at Truck Stop

Posted on by Ben Friedman

HAMEL, Ill. — Indie supergroup boygenius announced their North American tour is on hold after Julien Baker found herself in an unstoppable arm wrestling streak during a layover at a Pilot truck stop, confirmed multiple bearded sources.

“I was just trying to buy some fucking chips, and this gross asshole behind me makes a comment if my ‘hard work’ tattoo applied to making sandwiches. I don’t know what came over me but I knew that I had to destroy this man. I said I’d do it if he could beat me in arm wrestling, and that was three days and 25 of his little trucker friends ago,” said Baker between opponents. “Doing this tour with my best friends is important for me and the fans, but humbling misogynistic hicks is what I need to be doing right now. You can’t imagine the staggering power you feel pinning a guy with 16-inch biceps and a shirt that says ‘If you can read this the bitch fell off.’”

While Baker’s win streak was quickly becoming something of a folk legend, the band’s tour manager was desperate to get the tour back on track.

“We were supposed to be in Chicago yesterday, and now I’ve had to postpone that show and four more. I thought Lucy and Phoebe would want to get the show on the road too but they’ve been hyping Julien up and egging on more opponents. At this rate we may as well cancel all the European dates unless I can find a fight promoter,” said tour coordinator Trevor Falk. “Fucking look at her, there’s no fear in her eyes and no fatigue in her arms. If these rednecks don’t swallow their pride and just walk away, this tour will be a financial disaster.”

Truck stop owner Herschel Clemmens was impressed by Baker’s athleticism even compared to other artists who’ve passed through.

“They say legends are made on the road, and this young lady is a regular Annie Oakley. Truth is though many women singers have passed through our small town on the way to Chicago and shellacked unsuspecting locals,” said Clemmens “I met Stevie Nicks here in 1978, but I wouldn’t know she was a singer the way she was hustling guys in five finger filet in the parking lot. We once had a young lady named Fiona Apple come through and she drank a whole convoy under the table before playing a show. These fellas never seem to learn not to mess with these alternative ladies.”

As of press time, the tour announced it would resume immediately after the band quickly got back into the road upon Baker snapping a trucker’s arm like a twig.