CHAGRIN FALLS, Ohio — Leftist senior citizen Cyrus Novak is reportedly under round-the-clock duress from continuously having to make sure John Fogerty is not somehow suddenly conservative, hand-wringing sources confirmed.
“I can’t lose another one. They got Clapton, they got Van Morrison, I mean, they even got freakin’ Meat Loaf. MEAT LOAF! The bat out of hell! My CD collection is down to a husk of what it once was. If I get CCR taken away from me, I think I’ll just give up on rock altogether,” said the left-leaning, but undeniably old Novak, while performatively trying not to curse. “I’ll have nothing left to get at Best Buy. I’m constantly refreshing my iPad to make sure John hasn’t said something sideways about vaccines or climate change. I know all too well that it could happen any minute. I can’t give up the Fortunate Son, I just can’t.”
Public relations representatives for Fogerty report that he’s as liberal as ever, and has no intention to change sides.
“Believe us, we go to great lengths to ensure our older rockers don’t succumb to the scourge of conservatism. Dedication to their rock and roll roots are, and always will be, a top priority. We don’t want to disappoint all the dads out there, nor do we want to validate the uncles of the world,” said Fogerty representative Phyllis Jacobi. “Because, as we all know, uncles are the absolute worst. We’ve arranged for Mr. Fogerty to join a support group for elderly liberal musicians to keep each other in check. You can count on us.”
Support group captain and music legend Neil Young told us a bit more about the group.
“We get together a few times a month, just to make sure we haven’t slipped down a QAnon hole. Springsteen usually brings along a crate of Yoo-Hoos, we sit around my giant model train set in camping chairs and just spitball ways the current administration could be doing more for, say, the LGBTQIA+ community for a few hours,” said Young. “Hey, it ain’t Woodstock, but it’s something I’ve begun to look forward to. Next month we’re all hopping in Cher’s van and hucking crabapples at Ted Nugent’s ranch. Fogerty’s in good hands.”
At press time, Novak decided to do away with the stress of classic rock altogether, and listen to “more contemporary stuff, starting with this Morrissey fellow.”