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All Dogs Go to Heaven: How To Exploit That Loophole by Impersonating a Dachshund at All Times

Dogs aren’t just man’s best friend: canines are the Almighty’s most favored species by a goddamn mile. Alone among all created beings, dogs have been assured that each member of their slobbery kind will enter the gates of Heaven, no questions asked. Pretty good deal for a group that already gets to sniff crotches in public, if you ask us!

But we’re not here to debate whether all dogs should go to Heaven or if some deserve to roast in the depths of Hell, eternally distant from the ecstasy of proximity to God’s presence. Instead, we’re here to give you tips on how to live as a dachshund, so when death calls you to reckon for the many grotesque sins you crave, you’ll be a shoo-in to humping angel legs in Heaven!

DO: Stay Low to the Ground, Always: This might be intuitive, but in order to convince God that you’re actually a dog and that your life of disgusting hedonism should have no consequences, you have to get on all fours, all the time, like a short-legged little wiener dog. It might be difficult at first, but do you really want to rot in Hell, especially after that shit you pulled in Vegas?

DO: Purchase High-Quality Artificial Ears:
One of the most distinctive things about the dachshund breed is their floppy “drop” ears, which protect them from getting dirt and debris stuck in there. Acquiring a pair of high-quality ears (preferably made from actual fur) is a must, especially if you are always getting any number of bodily fluids in your ear canal. Because of weird sex stuff.

DON’T: Accidentally Speak, Always Bark In German:
One thing you must never do is accidentally speak like the human full of sin that you actually are. Always bark with the distinct Teutonic tonality that we all expect from dachshunds. You will likely find it helpful to hook up with a German puppy play polycule to get used to this, especially if you want to pass through the Pearly Gates while also committing rampant tax fraud.

DO: If You See A Badger, Fuck It Up:
Dachshunds were originally bred to flush out badgers from their subterranean dens, hence their distinctive narrow body shape. In order to keep up the canine charade and escape eternal damnation for your wallowing in every perversion imaginable (we know about the ice cream), you’re going to need to bite some badgers to death.

DO: Have Ridiculously Soulful, Pleading Eyes: Everyone knows dachshunds have those big ol’ sad eyes that make you want to give them anything, from a puppy treat to unquestioned admission to eternity in paradise! Make sure you’ve got some of those.

DON’T: Make A Deal With Satan:
At a certain point, keeping up the lifestyle of a dachshund is going to be tough, but don’t give in and make a quick deal with Satan Himself. It just doesn’t ever work out. Stick with the dog thing.