Look, I know that most of you only clicked on this ranking for the tits, it’s why I decided to write the dang thing. But if you look very closely, you might also notice that there are words in between those tits where I talk about the Dwarves albums which, for the past thirty-seven years, have also been largely sandwiched between tits – big, bountiful, blood-spattered tits. Here is our definitive ranking of every Dwarves album, perverts.
11. Toolin’ For a Warm Teabag (1988)
Just calling this one an album is generous in pretty much every way. Seven songs in just over seven minutes is short even by Dwarves standards. And the fact that all of them just sound like someone threw a bunch of aluminum tubes down an elevator shaft doesn’t make for a good record, and barely passes for a low budget “we made it shitty on purpose” punk record.
Play it again: Might as well be the whole fucking record considering it’ll take less time to listen to it than it does to take a piss.
Skip it: Skipping the whole thing is a good option as well, however.
10. Sugarfix (1993)
The first album not to feature HeWhoCannotBeNamed on guitar after his brutal murder by stabbing, “Sugarfix” really shows the loss his influence has with the band. At the very least we can all be grateful that HeWho dramatically rose from the grave shortly thereafter to take over the role again like a guitar-shredding satanic christ – at which point, SubPop promptly told the entire band to “fuck right off.”
Play it again: “Saturday Night”
Skip it: “Action Man”
9. Take Back the Night (2018)
“Take Back the Night” listens like a “previously on…” recap for the last episode of a TV show that hasn’t been any good for three seasons now. It hits on a lot of Dwarves staples but none with enough depth or fresh perspective to leave any lasting impression. Ultimately it just makes the listener feel like the band would just make the jump to a feature length format already (that TV show analogy is still holding up, right?).
Play it again: “Nowhere Fast”
Skip it: “Down and Dirty”
8. Horror Stories (1986)
I was gonna kick this review off with something like “it sure is… a horror story… I mean this album… is a horror story… eh?” But besides that joke being beyond any semblance of stupid the truth is this album isn’t all that bad. It’s not good by any stretch, especially when the Dwarves have done the same thing better so many other times. But if you’re a hardcore Dwarves-head (fuck, I hope that isn’t actually a thing) then this album with probably make you smile.
Play it again: “Sometimes Gay Boys Don’t Wear Pink”
Skip it: “Love Gestapo”
7. The Dwarves Are Born Again (2011)
Technically speaking, after twenty-five years of consistently putting out a diverse collection of albums, pretty much anything could be considered a return to form. All the same, “The Dwarves Are Born Again” births the band back to the early thrash umbilical cord they had long since cut themselves from. It may not have the same impact as those first records, but does what it sets out to do, and in this case that’s enough.
Play it again: “You’ll Never Take Us Alive”
Skip it: “Fake ID”
6. Thank Heaven For Little Girls (1991)
Listening to “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” has the same equivalent effect of taking a cattle prod jolt to the scrotum. It’s a quick burst of shock rock, intentional offense with no real subtext, but after it’s over you get to laugh and enjoy the experience like the low-rent “Jackass” crew of a person you are. No, THFLG isn’t gonna win any subtlety contests, but thank fuck for that because what the hell even is a “subtlety contest” – that sounds insane.
Play it again: “Fuck ‘Em All”
Skip it: “Three Seconds”
5. The Dwarves Must Die (2004)
After a few years hiatus and a “greatest hits” record which omitted some of the band’s best material, the Dwarves came back with incredibly creatively sprawling and energetically fierce “Must Die.” It ended up becoming the last album they would release for nearly eight years after. And while I’m glad it wasn’t, if “Must Die” turned out to be the final nail in the Dwarves dick-shaped coffin, I think I could have been alright with them going out like that.
Play it again: “The Dwarves Must Die”
Skip it: “Blast”
4. The Dwarves Invented Rock & Roll (2014)
With age can come great insight. And in the immortal words of Blag Dahlia, “We are the sluts of the USA, we are the sluts of the USA. And we can suck and we can fuck and we can bust a nut. We wouldn’t have it any other way.” The Dwarves may not have actually invented rock and roll, but as a band they certainly personify the spirit of the genre. And this album is a strong example of the energy and attitude that makes punk rock so compelling in the first place.
Play it again: “Trailer Trash”
Skip it: “Irresistible”
3. Come Clean (2000)
“Come Clean” is a weird album, and I totally get that some of you have already fled to the comments section to tell me what a jackass I am for ranking it this high. But much like the Dwarves when they recorded this album, I don’t give a fuck what you expect from me. It’s a bold choice for a band to spend years writing the most offensive shit they can think of (and believe me, there’s still plenty of that here), but then shift gears into what is basically angry dance-pop. And by that metric alone, “Come Clean” absolutely deserves the number three spot in this ranking.
Play it again: “Better Be Women”
Skip it: “Production Value”
2. Blood Guts & Pussy (1990)
SPIN magazine once called this record “the most offensive album ever made,” which is high praise when we’re talking about Dwarves albums. “Blood Guts & Pussy” is a thirteen-minute-long rail of cocaine that you don’t even realize you’ve done the whole thing until it’s three days later, you haven’t slept, and the garbled caterwauling of “Motherfucker” is still driving you to find another fix. You can be offended all you want at this record, but you can’t ever deny that it just plain fucking rocks
Play it again: “Drug Store”
Skip it: “Insect Whore”
1. The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking (1997)
Perfection has never been anything the Dwarves strove to achieve – you could even make the argument that they actively fought against perfection for their entire career. But, well, “The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking” is fucking perfect. It hits that sweet spot between the gnarled “fuck you!” that was “Blood Guts & Pussy” and the pop heavy danceability of “Come Clean.” It represents a band that is in its “we have the exact right amount of our shit together to make an amazing record but we still need a floor to crash on” phase of their existence. “The Dwarves Are Young and Good Looking” soundly solidifies that the band will, in truth, be young and good looking forever.
Play it again: “Everybodies Girl”
Skip it: I’m gonna say “Demonica.” I don’t actually think it’s a skip, but I kinda wanna see what everybody has to say about that choice.
Wu-Tang listeners know that the boys from Shaolin like their king Fu movies. Their songs are littered with samples and references to the Wuxia genre but it is still jarring to hear the hidden track on their debut album where each member of the clan reads out their favorite Kung Fu movies with no backing beat or emotion in their voice.
Released a month before Lennon’s murder the album features a hidden acoustic track in which Lennon dares someone to shoot him. The song is notable in that Lennon seems to imply that he wants Ringo Starr to be the one that pulls the trigger with the lines “Ringo you were shit on the drums/come and murder me ya bum.”
The Fall’s fourth album contains one of the longest hidden tracks on this list as a listener will find if they wait two minutes after the end of the final track “And This Day” they’ll hear another complete album that The Fall recorded and forgot to release. Tenacious fans will also be rewarded if they wait for the hidden album to end as that also has a hidden track which is an album-length rant from Mark E. Smith about how much he hates Morrisey.
Known for taking their music literally (while recording 1970’s “Sunflower” they ate nothing but sunflowers), the Beach Boys hid a track on their classic album with the vocals and instrumental work all performed by their own pets. While the vocals and guitar work is pretty rough, the drumming by Brian Wilson’s pet cat Leary is some of the best ever recorded.
During the Watergate affair, it was revealed that Richard Nixon was recording most of the conversations happening in the Oval Office. Strangely when the tapes were listened to, there was a missing 18 minutes that people believe were wiped to protect the president. How fortuitous then that those 18 minutes were found nestled in the end of Taylor Swift’s cottagecore masterpiece, “Folklore.” And while they don’t have the usual catchiness of a Taylor Swift bop, they do show the leader of the free world engaged in high treason in a way that shakes the very foundations of the country to its core.
The soundtrack for horny pre-2000s teens, “Hooray for Boobies” featured the classic tracks The Bad Touch, I Hope You Die, and A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying. What listeners might not realize is that after the final track, there is a little treat for listeners in the form of a complete 39 hour long audiobook of Simone de Beauvoir’s masterpiece of feminist philosophy, “The Second Sex.”
Patience rewards the listeners of Morrissey’s 1988 solo album because if they wait for twelve minutes of silence after “Margaret on the Guillotine” they get to hear Morrissey order 8 cheeseburgers with everything before proceeding to eat them one by one seemingly in a state of transcendental ecstasy. While Morrissey has never commented on the track, he has been known to drool uncontrollably when asked about it in interviews.
If you wait a few seconds after the end of “All Within My Hands,” you’ll be asked by the record for your name. If you answer, the album will then serve you a lawsuit from Lars Ulrich for any number of crimes be in peer to peer file sharing, not enjoying the flat drumming style of the album, or enjoying that episode of “South Park” that made fun of him. You’ll then need to appear in court within ten days.
Famously not a fan of rock and roll, Michael Jackson did make an exception for Iowa natives Slipknot. On his 2001 album, Jackson hid a cover of “Wait and Bleed” that returns the frantic anger of the original while still adding a dance breakdown and a guest appearance by Chris Tucker.
Slipknot never shied away from declaring that the main influence on their music, outlook, and appearance is the post-disco stylings of the Jackson 5. It is fitting then that they hid a track on their second album dedicated not just to their love of the Jacksons but also their love and peace and understanding. Their version of “Heal the World” may contain eight thousand separate drums but the emotions stay true to the original.
We can find something that we like about all eleven Foo Fighters albums, but this is the only one in the band’s discography that didn’t inspire a second listen. It’s quite forgettable when compared to the rest of the band’s lush body of work, but the band make(s) it right by featuring Shawn Stockman of Boyz II Men on the title/closing track. “La dee da.” Thankfully, the band’s next two releases were both more gold than concrete.
If you get the chance, watch the eight-part HBO documentary on the creation and recording of “Sonic Highways” before you listen to this record for a proper frame of reference. Or don’t; fuck you. This album has the smallest collection (eight) of songs of any Foos release but still feels a little long, as more than half of the LP contains compositions that clock over five minutes each. This congregation is all for epic feasts, but not at the expense of extraneous and unnecessary segments that should’ve caused multiple famines. Still, “Something from Nothing” is an epic banger.
Who would’ve thought that the band that wrote the blistering and screamy mosher “Monkey Wrench” would release a nine-track soulful and danceable record with a song called “Chasing Birds”? Not you! Easily the band’s most polarizing listen, this sleeper record successfully challenges its listeners to not tap their respective feet. Unlike “Sonic Highways,” there is little fat on this concise release that clocks at less than thirty-seven minutes. Ambition is a good thing and we implore you to check this one out if you haven’t done so already.
Fun fact: This album’s title track and several other of its songs were inspired by 2004 Presidential loser candidate (and plus one to the Heinz heiress), John Kerry. It’s true. Fun opinion: If the band made this a single LP instead of a double album, it would’ve ranked higher on this here list. Also, true. Still, another confession to make, the anthemic “Best of You” remains one of the band’s biggest (and most meme-able) songs. P.S. We’re still waiting for the Bernie LP.
All of the punk rock hearts love that this record is Chris Shiflett from No Use For A Name’s (reexamine their entire insanely catchy lengthy catalog) first release with the band, but overall, despite its 2004 Grammy Award win for “Best Rock Album,” it’s an uneven front-to-back listen. Still, “All My Life” may be the band’s best single not called “Everlong,” and the best opening track to ANY rock record. Seriously. Just watch a live video for “All My Life” right now. Another reason to bleed.
Apparently, the hook for “The Pretender,” “Echoes, Silence, Patience, & Grace’s” opening track, and one of the Foos’ most successful singles, which says a lot as they have quite a few (or foo), was unintentionally (doubtful) and subliminally (possibly) inspired by “Sesame Street.” Don’t quote us, but this may the first time that a Big Bird co-write won a Grammy for “Best Hard Rock Performance.” Happily, Germs’ Pat Smear (also formerly Dave Grohl’s bandmate in an early incarnation of the band and for the tail end of Nirvana) guested on this record for one song, being his first since “The Colour and the Shape,” before he joined the band full time again for all others moving forward. Stranger things have happened.
For those who lament that these lists typically only highlight each bands’ early releases, suck it. This LP is the band’s saddest release and serves as a memorial to Taylor Hawkins, who left us all way too soon in 2022. On a related note: find the video of Taylor’s teenage son Shane absolutely obliterating the drums for “My Hero” at the Taylor Hawkins Tribute Concert at London’s Wembley Stadium. What a tribute.
The readers on this site are likely going to bitch that this album isn’t ranked high enough in this article, so we’re beyond sorry about this “low” nearly bronze metal slot. Good grief, you’re all right and we’re all wrong. Still, we can all agree that this is quite a debut album. Three mega hit singles (“This Is a Call,” “I’ll Stick Around,” and ”Big Me”) that kick off the debut, self-titled record in a perfect one-two-three punch later, who would’ve thought that the band would be around to create ten more albums (and counting) and countless other mainstream singles. In closing, this is without question the first of all albums on this list to contain absolutely no fucking filler.
“Me, Myself & Irene” might be Jim Carrey’s most underrated film, and “There Is Nothing Left to Lose,” despite its commercial and critical success, is certainly the Foo Fighters’ most underrated album. Like the fun and funny music video for “Breakout” (which features various hilarious scenes in the movie and some new ones in the actual video itself), one can hear it in the songs that the band truly enjoyed the creation of this third (and coincidentally listed as this ranking’s third best) record. Sometimes one needs to go M.I.A., leave Los Angeles, and come home. Let’s close this mention with one more fun fact about “Me, Myself & Irene”: The Offspring cover AFI’s “Total Immortal” during the film’s closing credits. Oh!
“Back and Forth” is easily one of the best rock documentaries ever created and one of its most appealing components showcases the recording sessions for Foo Fighters’ seventh album, “Wasting Light.” Thank you, Butch Vig. You’re a good producer and shit. Like the aforementioned album “There Is Nothing Left to Lose,” one can hear elation coming through the speakers over the course of all of “Wasting Light’s” killer eleven tracks. These days that is hard to do.
We still feel bad for Sunny Day Real Estate’s William Goldsmith, but despite its pretentious-ass album title (from one of our favourite American bands), “The Colour and the Shape” is one of the best rock albums of all time. Period and no hyperbole here. The production on the LP is perfect, the songs are beautifully and flawlessly constructed, and the musicianship is so on point it’s scary. Not too bad for a sophomore slump! It would be beyond epic to see this album played front to back.
After Danny mentions that his wife actually died tragically in a car crash, Joey tries cheering him up by using one of his creepy hand puppets to say that at least she didn’t suffer like “those poor saps near nuclear reactor unit 4 whose skin melted off while their insides boiled,” which he delivered in his signature Popeye voice. WTF?
Danny tells his girls that they can have a puppy as long as they promise to clean up after it, to which Michelle combatively quips, “No way, Jose!” Upon hearing this, Aunt Becky bizarrely responds, “At least we didn’t rescue him from the Pripyat region of Ukraine, otherwise you’d be picking up glowing green turds!” Rumor has it Laurie Loughlin improvised this line and threatened to quit if she couldn’t say it.
Everyone visits Becky in the hospital after she gives birth to twins. Just as the family is enjoying a nice moment together, the precocious neighbor Kimmy Gibler rushes in and feverishly starts counting the fingers and toes on each baby, relieved that they didn’t get “Chernobyl-ed” as she put it. Stephanie then drops a well-timed, “Oh, puh-lease!” which the laugh track absolutely eats it up.
When Uncle Jesse’s grandfather visiting from Greece dies in his sleep, the adults must teach the youngsters about grief. But what most people forget is Jesse being embraced by everyone while proclaiming that the death of his patriarch will always be known as his family’s “Chernobyl,” before adding a lighthearted, “Watch the hair.”
The emotional series finale ends as Michelle finally comes out of her amnesia. As the credits roll for the last time, the words “Our Thanks, Our Love, Chernobyl was a hoax” appear on the screen for some reason, delivering one final unnecessary jab to the victims of the 1986 disaster. How rude!
